4. Couples and Sex Therapy with Dr. Carly Deremo

 Couples and Sex Therapy with Dr. Carly Deremo 

In this episode, Dr. Carly Deremo discusses her passion for working with people, the challenges and rewards of being a therapist, and her specialized focus on couples and sex therapy. Dive deep into her methods, including feminist therapy principles, communication skills, and addressing intimacy issues. Whether it's working through communication or enhancing physical intimacy, Carly's insights offer valuable takeaways for both therapists and those seeking therapy. Don't miss out on this candid discussion about the complexities and honors of helping people navigate their relationships. 

Where to find Carly: 

Website or Psychology Today 

To learn more about Bethany Valenti, PsyD:

Bethany's Website

Say Hello to Your Therapist Podcast Instagram

Bethany's Instagram

Bethany's Facebook Page

Things we talked about/mentioned: 

Masters and Johnson 

Esther Perel 

My Favorite Murder Podcast

Maintenance Phase Podcast

If Books Could Kill Podcast

00:00 Introduction and Warm Welcome 

00:24 Carly's Journey to Becoming a Therapist 

02:26 Specialties and Niches in Therapy 

03:18 Diving into Couples and Sex Therapy 

06:02 Therapeutic Approaches and Techniques 

09:52 Challenges in Couples Therapy 

21:51 Political Climate and Relationship Dynamics 

39:51 Effective Communication: Using 'I Feel' Statements 

41:22 Transition to Sex Therapy: Non-Demand Touching 

43:43 Building Intimacy Without Sex 

48:06 Understanding Desire: Responsive vs. Spontaneous 

52:31 Navigating Relationship Dynamics and Agreements 

58:17 The Importance of Emotional and Sexual Intimacy 

01:05:12 Wrap-Up and Final Thoughts 

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the Say Hello to your therapist podcast. I'm Dr. Bethany Valenti. Join me as we say hello to Dr. Carly Deremo, a psychologist who, while trained as a generalist, specializes in sex therapy and couples therapy She is also a friend and close colleague who attended the same graduate program that I did Today, we chat about all that. What does it look like to work with a couple's therapist? What is sex therapy in couple's work? What does it mean to have a feminist therapist, as you will likely be able to tell? I was also hoping to ask more about sex therapy in general, but that was a big topic and we decided to save it for another time. Carly joined me on the tail end of her maternity leave while her baby napped with Grandma. We managed to cover a lot in the time that we had, so I'm grateful to Carly her mom, and her little one for giving us this great conversation. I hope you enjoy don't forget to check out the show notes for where to find out more about Carly and the things we talked about.

Bethany Valenti 1:07

Hello. Welcome Carly.

Carly Deremo-1 1:08

Hi.

Bethany Valenti 1:09

I'm so happy to have you here. If anyone picks up on any bias, like you're not wrong, Carly is just like one of my favorite people. so we're just gonna jump in. Carly, can you tell us a little bit about what made you be wanna become a therapist?

Carly Deremo-1 1:21

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 1:22

even though we went to the same program, so

Carly Deremo-1 1:24

Actually, I do think it started out as like a super cheesy, idealistic thing of like, I wanna help people.

Bethany Valenti 1:31

Yay.

Carly Deremo-1 1:31

So, but I did always think that was gonna be a medical doctor. So I did start out in college as pre-med and turns out I'm really bad at chemistry. I can't pass, so that's not where my intelligence lies. so met with an advisor and she was like, what do you, what did you kind of envision with pre-med? I was like, I love the idea of just like meeting with patients and helping them and I love people and she and I just kind of chatted a little and she was like, yeah, you've got good social skills. If you thought of, 'cause like with me, any conversation can turn into hours long and, uh, yes.

Bethany Valenti 2:06

social skills. We're both very chatty, very extroverted.

Carly Deremo-1 2:09

Yeah, so she recommended psychology. I took an intro course and just loved it immediately. I thought it was so fascinating, I was excited to go to classes again. Homework didn't feel like the worst thing ever. I truly just find people fascinating, the farther I went along, the more I learned about different disorders. And then into grad school when I got working with clients, I was like, oh my gosh, yes, this is totally where I wanna be.

Bethany Valenti 2:35

this

Carly Deremo-1 2:35

I do wanna help people. That's still the same.

Bethany Valenti 2:38

that hasn't changed.

Carly Deremo-1 2:38

yes. I think the more I've practiced, I realized that's a lot easier said than done because some things that the people need to help them are things outside of our control. And so it's more about weathering the storm than making the storm go away. But, Yeah, I still love people for the most part and enjoy spending time with them and ultimately like the more I've done this work, like I truly feel like it is one of the highest honors for people to let us into their lives. So that is very fueling even when the work is challenging.

Bethany Valenti 3:08

I totally echo that. it's challenging work that we do, but it's also such an honor and a privilege to be able to do it.

Carly Deremo-1 3:14

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 3:14

I love it so much. fun fact about Carly is that we were both trained as generalists in our program. which means we work with all sorts of things, like not any major niches. our specialties and niches have kind of, we have some overlap and then we have some, like Carly's specialties are totally outside of my wheelhouse. And so, I am super excited to talk about both couples and sex therapy because those are some of your main areas of work, right?

Carly Deremo-1 3:42

Yes, and I would say vice versa because I tend to shy away from grief work. I don't think it's where I shine, and I know that's where you absolutely have specialty and expertise. So we're good compliments to each other.

Bethany Valenti 3:54

that's why we don't all need to be great at everything.

Carly Deremo-1 3:56

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 3:56

know, we just need to like know who to talk to and who to refer to

Carly Deremo-1 4:00

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 4:01

good stuff.

Carly Deremo-1 4:02

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 4:02

how did you end up being drawn? 'cause it started out as I wanna help people. How did we draw the next steps to couples and sex therapy? 'cause when, you and I knew of each other, I think when you first entered the program, but we didn't really start spending a lot of time together until your internship year.

Carly Deremo-1 4:20

Right?

Bethany Valenti 4:20

but you knew, I remember at your internship interview that you were interested in sex therapy at that time.

Carly Deremo-1 4:27

Yeah. my interest first really started, it was in my master's program, but I ran a group therapy for sexual assault survivors

Bethany Valenti 4:36

Mm.

Carly Deremo-1 4:36

And I was drawn to that group mainly because like that group had a lot of fun. And I know that doesn't sound like a very fun group. and it would certainly had very serious content, but like the use of like humor and fun and like bonding and that group process

Bethany Valenti 4:52

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 4:53

like drew me to that population.

Bethany Valenti 4:55

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 4:55

really, like my interest started primarily with sexual assault survivors, female sexual assault survivors. And when I was trying to decide what to do for a dissertation, I just saw a gap in the literature around how to get those folks back into better sex after having really bad sex. With combat veterans who have trauma, we have so many therapies out there to get them reintegrated back into combat and their lives and all these things. And like for sexual assault survivors to get back to good, healthy, pleasurable sex was like I kind of had to dig to find stuff out there for that, which I'm like, wait, that's a part of our lives. Just like anything else.

Bethany Valenti 5:33

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 5:34

that's really where it kind of started. And so then doing more research for my dissertation got me more and more excited about sex therapy and sex interventions for folks. So it started first with individuals. Then of course, with doing sex therapy, there's a lot of interventions geared towards couples. and so one of my practicum sites was at a private practice, and that's where I started getting some exposure to working with couples. And it's a lot more energy working with couples in a room than just an individual.

Bethany Valenti 6:02

More than one person in there!

Carly Deremo-1 6:03

Yes. but I like that energy and I got to play with a different style of therapy with couples. So I feel like with couples I have a much more active role and with individuals, if people need that individually, I can do that too. But I find that that's probably a slightly more passive role. So I also kind of liked that. I don't know, every day wasn't feeling the same. I got to play with different styles and interventions, and I liked the energy. I am an extrovert, so the more people there are, the more I fuel.

Bethany Valenti 6:34

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 6:35

so that's kind of how then it transitioned into loving couples work. And then sex therapy you can do with individuals and with couples that I can share more about if folks wanna know about,

Bethany Valenti 6:46

Yeah. Absolutely. So my thinking was let's chat about kind of your couples work and then chat about what sex therapy looks like with couples work and then sex therapy with your individuals.

Carly Deremo-1 6:56

okay.

Bethany Valenti 6:57

So, okay. There are a couple different approaches to couples

Carly Deremo-1 7:00

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 7:01

Are you like a Gottman trained person, or are you

Carly Deremo-1 7:04

So I'm not formally Gottman trained, so I do know Gottman techniques just through my own study and all of that. But I have not done like the formal Gottman training.

Bethany Valenti 7:13

Training.

Carly Deremo-1 7:14

so I would say my general approach to individuals and couples is the same as far as like theoretically I'm a feminist therapist, so that is always gonna be like my home base theory, which I kind of say that's like the accent with which I speak. So just like I have a Cincinnati accent, I also have a feminist accent. So any intervention I pull from other theories is going to have a feminist theoretical accent to it. so with that is like egalitarianism, making sure there's equal footing in the room, in the relationship. I try to have a very power down approach. I'll power up if I have to kind of. Gain control of the room. And that happens probably a little more with couples because

Bethany Valenti 7:56

redirection sometimes.

Carly Deremo-1 7:57

Yeah. And like power dynamics are a lot more intense, I think, when couples are arguing versus when it's me and a client individually. so that's always gonna be like my general framework. but with couples it's a lot of coaching, and a lot with like, communication. most people are needing to improve their communication. Most couples, when they're coming. but also most couples are just not very good at emotional understanding and validation. So we get into these power struggles of who's right and wrong

Bethany Valenti 8:26

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 8:27

versus, I wanna understand you better without anybody having to admit right or wrong. so it's a lot of like emotion focused work. Definitely still a lot of feminist type stuff as far as like having equal footing, having equal say, defining even what equity in the relationship looks like. That's different for everybody.

Bethany Valenti 8:45

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 8:46

and then, yeah, some of that active coaching was skills, learning how to have conflict and talk to each other.

Bethany Valenti 8:52

goes hand in hand with the empowerment element

Carly Deremo-1 8:54

mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 8:54

feminist work.

Carly Deremo-1 8:55

Yes.

Bethany Valenti 8:56

who don't know about feminist therapy, it really has a lot to do with because Carly and I are both super into feminist work, so it's like less about what the stereotype feminist term is and more about like the school of thought of like every individual brings like their identities with them and there's power dynamics in any relationship.

Carly Deremo-1 9:20

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 9:21

as like the experts want to try and minimize that and create as much of an equal footing as possible.

Carly Deremo-1 9:26

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 9:27

while also not, oh, like telling them per se what exactly to do. Like you can make recommendations or whatever. It's very like empowering in terms of like,

Carly Deremo-1 9:36

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 9:37

allowing the client to steer the way.

Carly Deremo-1 9:38

Yeah. I think too, the piece of feminist theory of like consciousness raising is a huge part of work I do with individuals and couples. So like raising our awareness and our consciousness around what we're doing, why we're doing it, which systems have kind of maybe even pigeonholed us into doing things a certain way and then examining, is that working for me or not? And if it's not, let's like broaden the choices there. So like a lot about like choice, a lot about consciousness raising, awareness raising, like raising awareness as to what's happening, why is it happening? Is this working for me? What other options do I have? And like the, I think kind of part of feminist theory, but also just maybe in general, my approach to well, this is probably more about like cultural competence and all that, but even just like. There is so much that goes into couples work about like increasing our humility as well and being able to be humble and admit when we have messed up or have hurt somebody. And to be able to apologize without it being a dig to the ego. Like something most of us can agree on is apologizing sucks. I hate apologizing. I hate when I have to apologize to my husband. And it's like, even though as I'm a couple's therapist and I know that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Good people apologize if we wanna use that binary, but it's like. It just feels so vulnerable to have to admit when you've done wrong and hurt somebody and then to not feel like absolute garbage afterwards. It's like that's what happens when you're close with people is you hurt them sometimes.

Bethany Valenti 11:11

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 11:12

So that's another huge piece of couples therapy that I'm trying to infuse is like, Hey, we're gonna mess up. We're gonna hurt each other. Let's just try to figure out how to apologize and try and minimize it in the future and like improve our ability to be humble and admit when we've messed up.

Bethany Valenti 11:29

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 11:29

people can endure a lot.

Bethany Valenti 11:31

Yes. That's such a powerful thing to be able

Carly Deremo-1 11:33

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 11:33

we're not striving for perfection.

Carly Deremo-1 11:36

No.

Bethany Valenti 11:36

We're trying to strive for some progress and improvement, and that is often even just being able to admit or acknowledge what we messed up, or at least acknowledge when our actions affected somebody else.

Carly Deremo-1 11:47

And that's, that actually is another way, like back to the feminist piece, how I try and manage power in the room. 'cause like, as you know, the doctor in the room,

Bethany Valenti 11:55

It's

Carly Deremo-1 11:56

might hold more power then, but a lot of feminist therapists will use self-disclosure to try and power down.

Bethany Valenti 12:02

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 12:03

like, so I will give the example of like me and my husband and I'll say to my clients like, I fucking hate when I have to apologize. that totally sucks. and I'll say like, oh yeah, I completely did this the other day and it bulldozed my husband that wasn't cool or he did this and it was hard for him to admit that he invalidated me. And most of my clients know that. My husband is a therapist too.

Bethany Valenti 12:25

share these adds

Carly Deremo-1 12:26

So it's like, okay, if you've got two therapists who are married to each other and we're allowed to mess it up and we do mess it up,

Bethany Valenti 12:33

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 12:33

you can too. So that's another way of like, I'm not modeling perfection because it doesn't exist. I'll use self-disclosure to also just build comfort in the room and help it feel as friendly as possible and like, hey, I'll give examples of my husband messing up and of me messing up because I don't want, if I'm working with a heterosexual couple, I don't want them to assume that I'm always gonna side with the female partner or

Bethany Valenti 12:56

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 12:56

I also try to give examples of me being in the wrong and my husband being in the wrong, to kind of try and manage the power as best I can and just like be authentic. 'cause like that's typically how people talk to each other.

Bethany Valenti 13:09

Yes.

Carly Deremo-1 13:10

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 13:10

what we want.

Carly Deremo-1 13:11

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 13:12

Yeah. And so if someone comes to you for couples, what does it usually look like? if I were, to be working with a client, dealing with some stuff with their partner and looking at couple's therapy, I would be like, I know a really good one. I'd love to send you to her, but here's what you could expect from that. what could I tell them?

Carly Deremo-1 13:29

so I mean, an intake looks pretty similar with couples as it does individuals. So the first session I try to just tell folks Hey, it's a lot of info gathering. We're not gonna be doing a bunch of super intense, deep stuff. You're not gonna be, you don't have homework or anything right off the bat. I'm just gonna have you come in. I'm gonna be getting individual histories from both people so I can understand individually what has brought you here. For better, for worse. I'm gonna ask what you're doing really well as a couple because we usually forget to ask about what people are doing. Well, I'm gonna ask what are we struggling with and what's the history or the timeline of that struggle. So it's usually like, oh, we did really well and then our communication just really fell apart when we had kids or when I went back to work or, you know, after my mom got sick or so getting that timeline of okay, when were things really good when they go off the rails, just to kind of get the historical piece there. so first session is truly just a lot of info gathering and just trying to get a general sense of their style, how they're arguing, disagreeing, agreeing, and just trying to get a general sense of style when I first meet them. I offer to couples, we can do intake a couple ways. I tell every couple, we can do it, all three of us together the whole time. If it is helpful at all, we can break it up a little bit where I meet with one partner for maybe 20 minutes, the other partner for maybe 20 minutes. And then the last 20 minutes we all come together. sometimes that can be helpful for folks to just speak freely without having to

Bethany Valenti 15:02

Edit.

Carly Deremo-1 15:03

edit and I can just get a slightly more forthright

Bethany Valenti 15:05

think that's, yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 15:06

a forthright version of things. But what I always tell folks, I tell this with all couples, whether they decide to do intake that way or not, is that I am not a secret keeper though. So if we are doing this, it's 'cause we are choosing to bring all things into the openness here. So, you know, yes, it's not like I'm taking a recording device and putting it back to the other, this is what your husband said, or this is what your wife said. but it's more like when your wife comes back in, I'm gonna say, Hey, here's the gist that I got from him, is to the issue. You know, let me get your gist and then we're gonna bring it all together.

Bethany Valenti 15:40

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 15:40

you can't tell me something and then say, oh, but don't tell my wife that. Don't tell my husband that. 'cause that's just not in the spirit of good therapy period. To have secrets like that in couples therapy. I have had couples saying, nah, I don't need alone time, and that's fine. and I have had couples say, yeah, I think that would be helpful to just have a little time alone. and we do that too. it doesn't really say anything in particular about the couple. I'm not interpreting that. it's just a comfort thing I think for people. And then we set goals at the end. What are our goals? and then that kind of

Bethany Valenti 16:09

as

Carly Deremo-1 16:09

lays our framework for moving forward,

Bethany Valenti 16:11

Do you have an example? Like what? What tends to be the main, most typical goals? Most common?

Carly Deremo-1 16:16

Improve communication, improve

Bethany Valenti 16:18

Okay.

Carly Deremo-1 16:19

without fail is a goal for, I think every single couple I have ever met with.

Bethany Valenti 16:25

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 16:26

And frankly, that's no knock to couples who end up in therapy. We aren't trained on how to communicate well, period. That it's not something that. We typically get, I did not learn certain communication things until I went to a doctorate program in psychology. So I improved communication. I number one goal, and it's a goal for just about every couple I work with, I guess to address the sex therapy piece. Not all couples who come to couples therapy need sex therapy. Some couples are doing just fine in their physical intimacy and that is not a goal of theirs.

Bethany Valenti 17:02

right

Carly Deremo-1 17:02

I do ask all my couples about their physical intimacy at intake. 'cause we know if you don't ask clients about sex, they're not gonna talk about it typically. 'cause it still has a lot of taboo and, doesn't seem polite. Which I could give a whatever about politeness.

Bethany Valenti 17:18

Yeah. So I have that happen so often. the two things that I see with clients, especially, and I probably could do a better job of like trying to normalize or ask more about it in the future, but the amount, the two big things that I've had clients kind of shy away from sharing about the most one is oh, can I talk about drugs? But that's back like we

Carly Deremo-1 17:36

Oh yeah, definitely.

Bethany Valenti 17:38

like, you know,

Carly Deremo-1 17:39

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 17:40

and, sex,

Carly Deremo-1 17:42

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 17:42

like, oh, you know, like talk

Carly Deremo-1 17:44

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 17:44

you know?

Carly Deremo-1 17:45

Yes. And I get a lot of euphemisms.

Bethany Valenti 17:47

here.

Carly Deremo-1 17:48

Yes.

Bethany Valenti 17:49

Yeah. The euphemisms

Carly Deremo-1 17:50

well, and I feel like physically we maybe could use some help. I'm like, oh, okay. Like with sex intimacy, like how are we doing with those things? So I get a lot of euphemisms for sex and

Bethany Valenti 18:02

amount of

Carly Deremo-1 18:03

parts and pieces.

Bethany Valenti 18:04

I'll be like, are we talking about oral sex right now?

Carly Deremo-1 18:06

Yes,

Bethany Valenti 18:07

yes. I'm like, okay.

Carly Deremo-1 18:09

yes. And I have to be kind of blunt. So like sometimes when I can tell someone's a little more uncomfortable, I will go ahead and embrace some euphemisms with them of okay, like what about individually? Do you feel like you individually struggle with intimacy? They're like, what do you mean? And I'm like, I mean masturbation, but I figured you'd be uncomfortable if I said the word masturbation.

Bethany Valenti 18:27

I was also, my brain was like, are we talking about finishing, are we talking about orgasm now?

Carly Deremo-1 18:31

Yes.

Bethany Valenti 18:32

are we working on here?

Carly Deremo-1 18:33

But, with my individual clients, when I ask about relationship history in the intake, I usually include a question about, are you having any concerns sexually with your partner or with partners in general, if you don't have anyone serious.

Bethany Valenti 18:46

Yeah,

Carly Deremo-1 18:46

because if I don't ask, people generally won't talk about it. And also I need to demonstrate the comfort so they can join me in that space to know, oh, I can talk to her about that one nightstand, or I can talk to her about how I can't orgasm and I never have. but not all couples who come for therapy need sex therapy.

Bethany Valenti 19:05

right.

Carly Deremo-1 19:05

but I do ask, and I would say pretty frequently they say that they could benefit from some help in that department.

Bethany Valenti 19:12

a little bit.

Carly Deremo-1 19:13

and then,

Bethany Valenti 19:13

have people who don't disclose anything and then it comes up later? Like, so let's say for example, someone who. Hasn't ever been able to reach orgasm from like traditional, like partnered sex. they may not disclose oh, like this has been the same with everybody. So I'm

Carly Deremo-1 19:27

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 19:28

write down on the intake form. Yes, I would like to work on this, but it comes up later maybe.

Carly Deremo-1 19:33

Yeah. yes, definitely. Now I will say I do. Open up again to individual and to couples clients. If there's anything that is hard for you to share to my face, you can message me about it privately. but again, with that couples piece, I usually say I'm happy to talk about something privately. It is always with the goal of bringing it back to the group though.

Bethany Valenti 19:55

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 19:56

with that, if it's a partner saying like, Hey, I've actually never achieved orgasm with this partner, but then we figure out, okay, how do we share that in a way that now your partner can hear that without

Bethany Valenti 20:07

about it.

Carly Deremo-1 20:08

Yes. so that absolutely has happened actually, semi-recently a couple that I was working with, I worked with them for a couple months and one did not disclose that they had had an affair. And so the other partner found out about it and then they came to therapy and then I found out about it.

Bethany Valenti 20:24

it wasn't like they disclosed it to you

Carly Deremo-1 20:27

The couple disclosed it to me once the person who had been cheated on, found out.

Bethany Valenti 20:31

Thank you

Carly Deremo-1 20:32

And so that was really challenging. and just to be transparent, and I was transparent about this with the client too, I had feelings about that too. I'm like, Hey, we've been doing this work for months and there's been this thing that's been lingering that probably is impacting you all, and I didn't know about it, so how can I help if I don't know about some of these things?

Bethany Valenti 20:50

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 20:50

And also, that's not to just knock on the person who had the affair. They wanted to build up more safety in the couples therapy space so that they could feel courageous enough to share it there in time. So I have understanding as much as I had feelings of like, Ugh, I feel like we've been wasting some time. Like that was stuff we should be working on. so yeah, I mean, it, it happens. It was challenging. It was challenging for the couple, it was challenging for me,

Bethany Valenti 21:13

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 21:14

we navigated it pretty smoothly together and we are all still working together and we're able to jointly heal from what that did to the couples therapy space as well as what it did in their relationship.

Bethany Valenti 21:26

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 21:27

So, yeah, I think it can be hard for so many reasons to bring things up, but, that's our job as therapists to create that safety so that anything and everything is on the table now. Again, honesty has to have kindness with it. So I think that's what's helpful about, focusing on communication early on in couples therapy, is that we can say the hard things without being harsh. 'cause I think that's something that's really challenging for a lot of folks is to say hard things with enough kindness and empathy that it's not harder than it has to be to hear.

Bethany Valenti 22:00

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 22:01

Yeah,

Bethany Valenti 22:01

There's not a great way to say it, but there's some better than others. Right,

Carly Deremo-1 22:05

for sure. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 22:07

I, if you don't mind me, like asking about this before we kind of transition more into sex therapy, like primarily is, I remember when, gosh, what year was it? we, someone was posing a question about whether, like any like challenges with the political climate was coming up with, I think it was before the election last year, like a

Carly Deremo-1 22:28

Mm.

Bethany Valenti 22:29

probably.

Carly Deremo-1 22:29

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 22:30

How that might be coming up in the room with our clients. And I remember you commenting, I'm kind of across the board with all of them. Some of it's not coming up, but then I remember you distinctly saying, I have one couple I'm working with, is in one camp, one is in the other.

Carly Deremo-1 22:44

Mm.

Bethany Valenti 22:44

one of the main things that we are trying to work on.

Carly Deremo-1 22:47

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 22:48

is does that happen much or do you find that like communication really does sort of trump that? Even where it's well maybe you guys talked about it better or figured out how to, to like what?

Carly Deremo-1 22:59

Yeah,

Bethany Valenti 22:59

I'm just curious.

Carly Deremo-1 23:01

yeah. I'm pretty certain, I know what couple I was referencing when I made that comment. 'cause I remember that was a big divide with them for a while. Like the divorce word was thrown out, the D word of, if you don't vote this way, I am gonna divorce you.

Bethany Valenti 23:13

Oh, oh,

Carly Deremo-1 23:14

couple service we do not like ultimatums. I was

Bethany Valenti 23:17

We don't like

Carly Deremo-1 23:17

like,

Bethany Valenti 23:18

and I know that like. out divorce it like regularly in arguments is, is frowned upon,

Carly Deremo-1 23:24

yes.

Bethany Valenti 23:24

right?

Carly Deremo-1 23:25

Yeah. And that's something that I pretty explicitly, if both people are coming to couples therapy, like I really wanna give this my best faith effort. I am committed to working on this marriage or this relationship, whatever the status of it is. That is something usually I explicitly ask for at a time is that we then are not throwing out divorce as an option. It always is. One, we know that it's legal. Okay.

Bethany Valenti 23:47

It's,

Carly Deremo-1 23:48

As long as we are in this couples therapy process right now, it's off the table. 'cause you both are two feet in right now. so, and when that person said that, I was like, Hey, we know that's not a helpful way to communicate. And also that person had already talked a lot about their political beliefs and I know they care a lot about equity and all of that and choice. And I said, by doing that, you're taking away some of his choice. And isn't that the beautiful thing about voting is that everybody gets a choice?

Bethany Valenti 24:16

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 24:16

but just said like, Hey, that that shuts down a lot of good communication. We can be having It shuts down some choice and you would not like if he did that to you. You do this or I do this. That's just not, that's not fair in a relationship. so, I tried to shut that down as best I could and direct the communication otherwise. But since then, I probably have two or three couples that have very different political beliefs and it is coming up more and more.

Bethany Valenti 24:45

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 24:46

or even just like one partner is a little more apathetic about politics and one is very passionate about politics and they want the other person to be more passionate,

Bethany Valenti 24:55

yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 24:55

or they want the other person to chill out a little bit.

Bethany Valenti 24:58

Can we

Carly Deremo-1 24:58

and it is about like, again, if that's not a deal breaker for someone, there are plenty.

Bethany Valenti 25:04

question about that

Carly Deremo-1 25:05

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 25:05

Like what if, what if she's saying that because it is a deal breaker to her, like

Carly Deremo-1 25:09

Right. and if that's the case, then we have to talk about like. So then what does that mean for the relationship? I would probably say for me personally, having a partner that is also a feminist is a deal breaker for me. I'm glad I knew that about me before I got married and about myself when I was dating. my partner is a feminist. He is very aggressively feminist and thank goodness, 'cause that probably is a deal breaker for me.

Bethany Valenti 25:33

Yeah. And like, it's, it just again, 'cause I know transparency,

Carly Deremo-1 25:37

mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 25:38

one of the things that my husband talks about is some of the things that like we're running into just in our relationship with, is I didn't know when I got married that I was gonna feel this strongly about this till I had kids. we grow and we develop in different

Carly Deremo-1 25:52

Yep.

Bethany Valenti 25:52

And what if it does start to diverge? What if it starts to turn into a deal breaker Instead? Right?

Carly Deremo-1 25:58

And we can't predict those things

Bethany Valenti 26:00

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 26:01

I am, glad I didn't marry when I was younger because I was not as feminist when I was younger, and then I grew into more feminism, and then it's like, oh shoot. That would've become a deal breaker for me. And that is why some relationships run their course and end because we haven't grown in the same ways,

Bethany Valenti 26:17

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 26:18

that's okay. We can't predict how our whole lifespans are gonna go when we're in our twenties and thirties, or even forties and fifties. changes happen, growth happens. They don't always happen together.

Bethany Valenti 26:29

predict,

Carly Deremo-1 26:30

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 26:30

happen. diagnoses happen? addiction happens, like

Carly Deremo-1 26:33

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 26:34

when I was in my second year of practicum training I had a client that came in talking about an ex-husband and everything was fine until he had an accident and then got opiates

Carly Deremo-1 26:48

Mm.

Bethany Valenti 26:48

like, for treatment and then it totally switched. And

Carly Deremo-1 26:52

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 26:53

you can't predict that going into a relationship. Y'know? I think that I see in social media a lot of conversations about oh, this was a red flag, or I should have seen these red flags much sooner. And I think.

Carly Deremo-1 27:03

yeah.

Bethany Valenti 27:04

You can only see the flags that like you have awareness about at the time You

Carly Deremo-1 27:09

I think that's a great way of putting it.

Bethany Valenti 27:11

up like mirrors to you like, oh, I don't know if I love this. And maybe that's you could be receptive to that or not, but

Carly Deremo-1 27:16

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 27:17

some flags are different flags to other people. Like

Carly Deremo-1 27:20

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 27:20

feminist for you is a big green flag, you know what I mean? Like, not feminist big red flag. So like,

Carly Deremo-1 27:26

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 27:26

not everybody's gonna say that. Some people are gonna be like, it's a red flag if they have kids or if they want kids because I do not want them.

Carly Deremo-1 27:33

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 27:34

some flags are totally subjective versus this person's spoke to me in this way.

Carly Deremo-1 27:38

Yes. and again, like I think the kids example is a great one that you offered up and that happens very, very frequently with couples I work with is like, we didn't have these issues until we had kids.

Bethany Valenti 27:50

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 27:51

is like stuff that wasn't as important to you is now all of a sudden more important to you, or there's so much more stress on the relationship now, so everything is harder or you have less time together and so what you would generally be able to work out with X amount of time, you now only have y amount of time, We can't predict what's gonna change. And I think, that's the lovely thing about couples therapy is if we can infuse more of what I would call the foundational skills, it gives us as many resources as possible to tackle the things that are becoming sticking points for folks. And if we can do that in a well communicated way, where we're also still bonded with each other, sharing interests and fun, and our goals are still aligned, our values are still aligned in the big values that you all decide is important to you. And it's like, yeah, then I think you can navigate the ways in which you all might not grow in the same ways. and then also like without those skills or even with it, sometimes folks still find that. The relationship is not sustainable. And again, that's okay. Not everything can last forever. But a lot of times, like if we can get all the skills there, then folks can really see okay, well if we have these supports, we got this great. And then the relationship can heal and y'all can keep growing together and all of that. But kids is a major a major shift for couples, no matter how prepared for it you are or not. so many things can shift with that. Just like loss is another thing. Like when a parent dies or as we're having to navigate some of those big, big stressors in life, like kids loss, financial changes. And then yes, I do think some of the political stuff

Bethany Valenti 29:27

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 29:28

can shake up a relationship really profoundly. And I think those are some key times when we see a lot of couples need more help and come to therapy, which I'm glad they do and there's no shame. Most of us need help at some point.

Bethany Valenti 29:39

literally, do you ever feel hmm. Okay. the things that are coming to mind for me as part of some of our studies was like one of our professors say that success at couples therapy isn't necessarily staying together, number one.

Carly Deremo-1 29:53

Agreed.

Bethany Valenti 29:53

also, I distinctly remember a professor when I was in undergrad talking about, working with couples and having some couples essentially, like one person is actually not in it. They're already done by the time they even got to couples therapy. Do you

Carly Deremo-1 30:07

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 30:07

comes up for you?

Carly Deremo-1 30:08

If I am, frankly, I'd like to be better about assessing that. a lot of couples.

Bethany Valenti 30:13

hard to read, you know,

Carly Deremo-1 30:14

Yeah, a lot of couples, therapists ask that question at every intake with couples. On a scale of zero to 10, what is your level of investment in the relationship right now? Zero being I'm pretty much two feet out the door and like I'm just doing this to check a box.

Bethany Valenti 30:31

Say

Carly Deremo-1 30:31

that we

Bethany Valenti 30:32

did.

Carly Deremo-1 30:32

yeah,

Bethany Valenti 30:32

oh, don't leave me, let's go do couples

Carly Deremo-1 30:34

yes.

Bethany Valenti 30:35

yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 30:36

And 10 is, I'm so in this, I'm willing to do anything and everything to make it work. a lot of couples therapists ask that question without fail at every intake, and sometimes they'll ask them to write it down and then share it with the therapist, or do you wanna share it together? Do you want some time to think and you tell me at the next appointment. So there's a couple different ways you can do that. I honestly, I'm not great about doing that every time. I certainly do it if I'm getting some energy. Sorry if you can hear my dog barking in the background.

Bethany Valenti 31:05

Oh, as my cat crawls all over me. No, no problem.

Carly Deremo-1 31:08

The beauty of working at home,

Bethany Valenti 31:09

was that?

Carly Deremo-1 31:09

that's mech going. If I'm kind of getting a sense that the energies are different between the two partners or one is seeming a little more tapped out, sometimes couples come in and they are fighting bitterly in the first appointment. Again, there's a lot of people where I can tell they're on their best manners at the first appointment.

Bethany Valenti 31:28

Yeah,

Carly Deremo-1 31:29

Are you picking up too much of that?

Bethany Valenti 31:30

it's fine. Don't worry about it. sure I could take care of it.

Carly Deremo-1 31:33

I can wait till they're done.

Bethany Valenti 31:34

Somebody must be walking by

Carly Deremo-1 31:36

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 31:36

No worries. You know, I have them too

Carly Deremo-1 31:39

Amazon delivery guy had the audacity to deliver something to our house.

Bethany Valenti 31:43

That's so incredibly rude.

Carly Deremo-1 31:44

I know. But yes. And if I'm getting those different vibes, different energy levels from the partners, that's definitely when I ask that question. the downside to asking them when they're both in the room is whoever goes first, the other person tends to base their answer off of what the first person said.

Bethany Valenti 32:01

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 32:03

so it can be helpful if they're doing that intake style of splitting up. I then ask that question separately. because when it's really, it's not, it's very normal for folks to have different answers on that. For one, to say, I'm at a level eight, I'm willing to do just about anything to make this marriage work, and someone else is like, I'm at like a four. Like I'm, I want it to work, but.

Bethany Valenti 32:26

Tired.

Carly Deremo-1 32:26

this has to get better or I don't know what we're gonna do. My hopelessness is a little higher

Bethany Valenti 32:32

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 32:32

and it, that's not a nail in the coffin for people to be in different places. It's actually very helpful as a couple's therapist to have that answer because now I know, okay, infusing hope might be something that I should focus on really early on with them because that person's at a four because of hopelessness.

Bethany Valenti 32:51

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 32:51

let me start with some strategies more focused on hope and optimism and excitement for the future to maybe that gets them a little more up to like a five or a six. And then with that, there's a little more energy then to be really honing in on building those skills and tackling some of those resentments that have maybe built up.

Bethany Valenti 33:12

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 33:13

so that can be a helpful question to start with, but frequently I can kind of get a sense for folks Where they might be on that spectrum based on what they're bringing to the first session, first couple sessions?

Bethany Valenti 33:23

Well, you ever get a sense of like when they're done,

Carly Deremo-1 33:26

yes, and frankly, I'm pretty honest with folks when I'm getting that sense of, you know, I don't say it really sounds like this isn't working anymore.

Bethany Valenti 33:35

mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 33:35

not how I put it. It's more like, Hey, I know we keep coming back to this argument and I feel like we've tried to use the skills and really like, apologize, forgive, try new things, but we keep coming back to it. What am I missing? What is left unsettled from this that we are having trouble moving on from it Do you think you're gonna be able to move on from it, or was that truly something just way too damaging to move on from? Because if that's the case, like we need to hear that. So sometimes that is that's just an example of what that might sound like. But that sometimes is the invitation needed for a person to say like, I don't think I can, move on from X, Y, or Z. or other times,

Bethany Valenti 34:18

Still sticking there that you need to talk about

Carly Deremo-1 34:20

yeah, sometimes it's like, oh, we really didn't talk about this piece, so like, let's dig into that so hopefully we can put this to bed. Or other times me asking that is enough of a, you know, a shocker or slap in the face or something to be like, Hey, you've forgiven this person and now you continue to bring it up. If you're truly gonna forgive this, then you need to allow them to make amends

Bethany Valenti 34:44

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 34:45

Not trying to put that onus on one person, but sometimes it is one person like holding us back a little and by me saying like, are you going to let this go because we've now done X, Y, and Z, that then they're like, you know what, I do wanna move forward with this person. So I do need to really let them do better and see the better that they're doing. Because lots of times the partner is making changes and improvements and the other one is having a hard time seeing it or letting it sink in.

Bethany Valenti 35:10

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 35:11

And sometimes that means that person just still needs a little more attention to their hurt. Sometimes it means yeah, I'm just being stubborn on this and I really need to let them do better. Then, I'm not being fair to them at this point. Now I'm just punishing 'em for punishment's sake. And so that question of like, Hey, are we gonna let this go? Are, is this something we can move forward from that sometimes can be the thing needed regardless of which way it's going.

Bethany Valenti 35:35

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 35:36

And then there have been times where I have suggested maybe like a trial separation with folks of like, hey, We're not able to have many positive periods at all, and we need positive interactions to fuel us to deal with the negative ones.

Bethany Valenti 35:49

I think what the science that Gottman, for instance, came up with is that you need like seven positive interactions to make up for one negative

Carly Deremo-1 35:55

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 35:55

something like that.

Carly Deremo-1 35:57

Yeah. and sometimes we're too close or it's too much in the same house, or it's too many stressors and like a little breathing room can be really helpful for people. So

Bethany Valenti 36:05

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 36:06

there are times where I'm like, Hey, what would that look like if we did have just a little bit more of a break from each other to breathe and we have our serious harder conversations here at couples therapy.

Bethany Valenti 36:17

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 36:17

have some scheduled dates with each other that are more focused on like fun and positivity. Excitement. You guys can miss each other again. Like sometimes that can be really helpful for folks to just let a little steam out of the pot, give a little bit of a break, and then again, like kind of come at it with different energy. Sometimes that separation proves to be really enjoyable for both folks, so much so that they are like, this is, this isn't working anymore. And then there are other times where they're like, that is exactly what we needed to let some steam out of the pot that was so helpful and it can like reenergize them to kind of come back together. that might be some of how that comes up for me if I'm really sensing like we are really getting stuck and need something a little more dramatic to shake things up.

Bethany Valenti 37:02

What type of homework, do you tend to give your clients In couples both like sex therapy and non-sex therapy type stuff to do. Because I know you I think you mentioned homework

Carly Deremo-1 37:11

a lot of times if there's a conversation that we, or an argument, a discussion we haven't been able to finish in session, a lot of times it's like, Hey, if you're still feeling energized for that, go sit out in your car and keep trying to do this. It's fresh in your mind. You're close to the office. You've got the skills top of mind. Like, why don't you keep trying to do that? Other times it's, I want y'all to drive home. Just listen to some music. Take some breaths, regulate and before going to bed, try and have this conversation again. So that's homework a lot of times is try to talk about this or practice this specific skill. So if things are really like hot with a couple, like hot meaning like very intense, lots of arguing, things like that, I might give them the homework assignment to talk about something relatively benign, but use the skills we're practicing so that way we're just building skills without talking about the hot topics yet.

Bethany Valenti 38:05

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 38:06

so I might say, Hey, I want you to talk about what you did at work, if that's a relatively benign topic for people, and I want you to practice reflective listening. So when she says, you know, my day was super annoying, like, my boss just continues to micromanage me, then I want the partner to practice reflective listening. I know you've been so frustrated at work. Your boss is always micromanaging you. Yes. Did I get that correct? Yes, you did get that correct. So again, it's a very easy conversation, but we're using the skills and it feels a little silly when we're using it on like, not an argument.

Bethany Valenti 38:40

like

Carly Deremo-1 38:41

it's easier to build skills when you're not exploding.

Bethany Valenti 38:43

Yeah. And also those skills we could benefit from that potentially improves the communication. Like it could prevent some of that stuff building up into a conflict,

Carly Deremo-1 38:52

Yes.

Bethany Valenti 38:53

Like some of that stuff, sometimes reflective listening is just, helpful anyway Like you said, we haven't

Carly Deremo-1 38:58

Yes.

Bethany Valenti 38:59

that

Carly Deremo-1 38:59

Yeah. So practicing reflective listening is a very popular homework assignment. Trying to finish conversations that we didn't get time for. the other big one is practicing I feel statements, and that one actually is. Really hard for people and I think it's because of how our communication it and people I think will know this as soon as I say it, we start so many sentences with I feel,

Bethany Valenti 39:25

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 39:25

say, I feel like you never listen to me. I feel like I just can't catch a break at work. I feel like

Bethany Valenti 39:33

a jerk,

Carly Deremo-1 39:33

yes. And none of those things are feeling words. So one of the most helpful formulas that we talk about in good communication is I feel emotion when situation. So I feel frustrated when my boss micromanages me.

Bethany Valenti 39:51

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 39:52

I feel dismissed when I'm not heard properly.

Bethany Valenti 39:57

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 39:58

and we try to avoid you language as much as possible in couples therapy. So I feel angry when you don't do the dishes. No, it would be, I feel angry when chores aren't completed.

Bethany Valenti 40:09

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 40:09

I feel. Frustrated when we don't stick to a plan or when we don't stick to our word. so we try to avoid you language as much as possible. 'cause it tends to make other folks defensive. and it's very easy for it to come off like an attack. practicing those I feel statements and that I feel has to be followed by an emotion word. So I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel happy, I feel dismissed, I feel invalidated. That has to be an emotion word. And then we describe a situation or a behavior. We don't like attack a person's character. so that is a formula that is super helpful, but really tricky because we will say, I feel like all the time, but never actually use the rest of that formula that's more helpful. So that's very common homework with sex therapy, I would say commonly. Actually, this will maybe just segue us more into sex therapy. one of the biggest things that comes up with couples. So,

Bethany Valenti 41:03

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 41:04

it folks are very bad typically at what's called non demand touching.

Bethany Valenti 41:10

Ooh.

Carly Deremo-1 41:11

or what was called sensate focused work with the OGs that came up with it.

Bethany Valenti 41:17

Yep.

Carly Deremo-1 41:17

which is Masters and Johnson, if folks are interested, but

Bethany Valenti 41:20

Johnson.

Carly Deremo-1 41:21

yes. but it is very easy, especially the longer relationship goes on, that intimacy does become more demand like, when I say demand, I'm not necessarily meaning that one person is coercing the other person. That's a separate thing, more just like. Oh, well, he only kisses me when he wants to have sex, or she only gives me attention if I do this or that. it becomes more transactional, I guess. And that's what we mean by demand. And or it's like, we never have time for sex, so we finally have time. Like, come on, let's have sex. And it's like, well, I'm not just like a microwave. I don't heat up in two seconds.

Bethany Valenti 41:57

Especially when the kids are involved, you

Carly Deremo-1 42:00

Yes, yes.

Bethany Valenti 42:01

time.

Carly Deremo-1 42:02

Yeah. And even, you know, my husband and I are in the throes of a new baby, only 10 weeks old. right now everything does feel like very tired. Like we're both just like physically very tired. It's not feeling very sexy or romantic.

Bethany Valenti 42:18

Not sexy times

Carly Deremo-1 42:18

Like, there's lots of cute moments. There's lots of like emotional intimacy of oh, this is so cool for us to be in this new role together. And like I love seeing him as a dad and like I do think that's very hot in a lot of ways. It is not translating physically though right now.

Bethany Valenti 42:34

you're like sexy for later.

Carly Deremo-1 42:36

Yes. So it's very like, how do we still like, and if we were able to find the time again, like it's so out of mind outta sight for me right now

Bethany Valenti 42:47

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 42:48

and we will do that work when that is where, the mindset we're in. But it's very easy then, like once couples have time for something or we did a date night or whatever, that it feels very like, oh, well we went out on a date, so of course we're gonna have sex when we go back and like that. It feels more. Obligatory or demand or like transactional routine. Yes. And those things tend to not be very like hot and sexy.

Bethany Valenti 43:13

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 43:14

what I do with a lot of couples who are beginning sex therapy, where there is that dynamic where one person is maybe more of an approach person, another person is more of an avoid, or their desire is a little lower and the other person's is a little higher,

Bethany Valenti 43:27

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 43:27

is we actually like, take sex off the table

Bethany Valenti 43:30

Okay.

Carly Deremo-1 43:30

it, we can't do it at all. anything else is on the table.

Bethany Valenti 43:34

Hmm

Carly Deremo-1 43:35

that is a way of like queuing folks into all the other things that are physically intimate besides sex, and by that I usually define that as like penetrative sex.

Bethany Valenti 43:45

mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 43:46

I define that as oral sex as well.

Bethany Valenti 43:48

Okay.

Carly Deremo-1 43:49

Everything else we can kiss, we can massage, we can touch, we can masturbate. We can mutually masturbate. We can do all the foreplay, we can do all the cuddles, all the things. But not that. And that way, like a lot of times the lower desire person like doesn't even wanna have kisses anymore because they know the other person then is gonna want sex. And they don't want sex tonight. They just want kisses. So that is like they can become,

Bethany Valenti 44:13

have some kisses.

Carly Deremo-1 44:14

they can become more open to kisses because they know it's just a kiss. I don't have to also create the bandwidth for sex.

Bethany Valenti 44:21

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 44:22

and it helps each person then get more creative, make sure we're doing all the things that go into intimacy. Not just sex. We're not just immediately getting on the highway. Gotta take some side streets first.

Bethany Valenti 44:32

Yeah. Take the

Carly Deremo-1 44:33

like,

Bethany Valenti 44:34

way.

Carly Deremo-1 44:34

can, yeah. And like, one of the best things for desire and for sexual satisfaction is positive anticipation. So usually with couples we have this negative anticipation, like, okay, like, yeah, I'm really tired, but we haven't in a while, she's gonna want to after we go on a date night. So, okay. And like, that doesn't feel super exciting.

Bethany Valenti 44:56

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 44:56

if we take sex off the table and then we do all these other things, and a lot of times it's oh, those kisses felt really good. Like, I kind of wish we could have had sex last night. And then there's a little bit more of that, like

Bethany Valenti 45:06

Yeah. Kind of sparky

Carly Deremo-1 45:07

anticipation being used.

Bethany Valenti 45:09

type stuff from

Carly Deremo-1 45:10

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 45:10

beginning of a relationship

Carly Deremo-1 45:11

Yeah. Yeah. And then again, like it's kind of funny homework because sometimes people fail at it and, and they end up having sex and I put fail in quotations. You can't really fail at it because it's like.

Bethany Valenti 45:23

it.

Carly Deremo-1 45:23

Oh, you, you did it. 'cause neither of you could even resist it. It was so exciting to finally have sex then. So I'm like, okay, ts tsk. You failed. or it's like, okay, you did it. What did you discover about yourselves? And you know, sometimes one person's like, oh, I found that, like I don't initiate any kind of touch. I really need to be better about that. 'cause I know that's important to my partner. or I realize like I don't really know what's physically intimate outside of sex. Like I really need to bone up on my skills there.

Bethany Valenti 45:53

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 45:53

so it, that is probably like the most popular homework I give as far as sex therapy is to do a lot of non demand touching and like increasing intimacy without having sex, to kind of build up that vocabulary, so to speak.

Bethany Valenti 46:07

do a lot of education around sex

Carly Deremo-1 46:09

a lot of education, even just like, again. Bringing these conversations to the table that we're too afraid to talk about.

Bethany Valenti 46:15

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 46:16

you both enjoying your sex? Does that mean orgasm for both of you? One of you? Is that something you both are able to achieve? Is it important that you achieve that? Not everybody cares about that. is frequency something that needs to be part of the conversation? What are the barriers to having good sex? how has sex changed for you all as a couple? Because like, there's aging effects that occur. Our bodies change. pregnancy changes things for so many couples. kids are changing things as far as just like, I mean right now our daughter is so young, so she's in the room with us. Yeah, not hot.

Bethany Valenti 46:49

Mm,

Carly Deremo-1 46:50

hot to hear a baby in the room.

Bethany Valenti 46:52

feeling of like, don't wake the baby.

Carly Deremo-1 46:54

Yeah. And that's never something we've had to encounter before.

Bethany Valenti 46:57

yeah,

Carly Deremo-1 46:57

it is completely normal for couples to not feel super hot towards each other at some point in their marriage, usually multiple points in their relationship. It is super normal for one person to be high desire and one person to be low desire. There are gender differences biologically as well as just how we're socialized around those things.

Bethany Valenti 47:17

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 47:18

so a lot of education around that.

Bethany Valenti 47:20

people, like what the gender differences and what if they fall in line with those, and what if they don't? And like the other, the opposite, like the partner feels a certain way about that maybe.

Carly Deremo-1 47:29

Yeah. Yeah. And even just, so women's stereotypically are far more likely to have what's called responsive desire, and men are much more likely to have what's called spontaneous desire. Now there are men who have responsive desire and there are women who have spontaneous desire. but spontaneous desire is like the wind could blow a certain way and a person's like, Hmm, I could go for that. Like, it's somebody brings it up or you see a scene or even just like a thought pops in your head randomly throughout the day where you're like, Hmm. I could go for some sex.

Bethany Valenti 48:01

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 48:02

then responsive desire is more like we could say the spontaneous desire is the microwave. The responsive desire is the crockpot. It's a slow hook. You need time, you need someone to set the scene. You need, you know, responsive desire is I'll use myself as an example. Like if the house is messy. I'm not gonna be super focused on intimacy. I hate mess and I'm gonna be thinking of this to-do list in my head instead of being present with my partner. So that's not hot for me to engage in that when in a super messy house or a baby being in the room, our dogs being in the room.

Bethany Valenti 48:40

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 48:41

Those things are all like big turnoffs to me. And so like part of my responsive desire is setting the scene. Let's get the dogs occupied with a toy in their beds in the other room. Let's, make sure baby is dead asleep. Let's, light a candle. Let's maybe have some time where we can just lay in bed and talk for a little bit. Like all those things kind of help my body and brain get a little more in the moment of oh yeah, this would be lovely. let's do this.

Bethany Valenti 49:08

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 49:09

if I'm using this example, my husband could be like. Hey, would you want some sexy time? He'd be like, yeah, I could go for that. it's about that quick. And some of that is our biological response cycles are different. most gender differences are because of socialization.

Bethany Valenti 49:22

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 49:23

is one that is,

Bethany Valenti 49:24

I was glad that you mentioned the two distinctions there, because I was thinking like high libido, low libido, like in terms of like gendered stuff, and so when you said the responsive versus like

Carly Deremo-1 49:34

yes.

Bethany Valenti 49:35

oh, okay. Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 49:35

Yeah. So some of this is biological and hormonal

Bethany Valenti 49:40

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 49:40

in that. Female sexual response cycle on average is like 45 minutes to an hour. And what that represents is like the first thought of sex to quote unquote completion or feeling done. That can be orgasm. It's not orgasm for everybody.

Bethany Valenti 49:54

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 49:55

and the male sexual response cycles about seven to 10 minutes. So there's a huge gap there. Yes. So from their first thought to completion can be as quick as seven minutes. These are also averages, so

Bethany Valenti 50:07

right.

Carly Deremo-1 50:08

not, I have no interest in people comparing how long they can last. but what we have to do then is we are doing our best to shorten a woman's cycle and lengthen a man's cycle if we have, you know, a

Bethany Valenti 50:21

of

Carly Deremo-1 50:22

male female dynamic.

Bethany Valenti 50:23

Yep.

Carly Deremo-1 50:24

and so even just like education around that can. Ease the conversations a lot for couples. 'cause these can become so contentious of, well he doesn't even want me, she doesn't even want me.

Bethany Valenti 50:35

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 50:35

and it's like she doesn't even care, or this is all he cares about, or whatever the examples are. And so even just education around that of Hey, this is typically how our bodies operate. We're already in this big gap. We need to find ways to close that gap. And that's all about discovering your own sexual style as a couple. just like that education alone goes a long way for couples, I think of okay, what are all the ways to turn off the offs for the person with the responsive desire so we can shorten their window a little bit and make it easier for them to access that part of themselves That person with the more responsive style, hey, how can you really try and take more initiative here of speaking your partner's language Then too, like what are all the things that get you going? How can you kinda work on that in your own, on your own, in your head as the day goes on? So like, if you need more warmup time, what are you doing to also help warm yourself up so that you're warming yourself up? That partner is warming you up. Okay. We have now shortened your cycle a little bit. We've maybe lengthened his a little bit and yeah, and again, I use those examples 'cause like stereotypically that's what you find more, but it, it can look different for each couple.

Bethany Valenti 51:46

Okay. you don't mind, I'm gonna have you back for like another just bigger picture sex therapy. Some, maybe some

Carly Deremo-1 51:53

Sure.

Bethany Valenti 51:54

like mostly like individually

Carly Deremo-1 51:56

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 51:56

stuff. 'cause I feel like there's so many more questions

Carly Deremo-1 51:59

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 52:00

things that we could get into, like

Carly Deremo-1 52:01

Totally.

Bethany Valenti 52:02

I don't, okay. This is where the first, you're just a field of knowledge all, all in one person. I was started to say you're a hotbed of knowledge,

Carly Deremo-1 52:09

Hey, in sex therapy, we always have double entendre, so I'll take it.

Bethany Valenti 52:12

Yes.

Carly Deremo-1 52:13

Yeah,

Bethany Valenti 52:13

You're a hotbed of knowledge and you explain things so well

Carly Deremo-1 52:16

thanks.

Bethany Valenti 52:16

I just wanna be mindful of your time and like what we can do with it. so I was just gonna ask if we can answer this question short.

Carly Deremo-1 52:26

Sure.

Bethany Valenti 52:26

No, then that's great. If it needs a longer answer, then we'll save it for next time. think that from your perspective as a couples and a sex therapist, that all couples have to have sex to be in a healthy relationship?

Carly Deremo-1 52:40

No, no, no.

Bethany Valenti 52:41

Okay.

Carly Deremo-1 52:42

No, I think again, it's, I guess my asterisk there is if one partner is saying that really is a big deal breaker for them,

Bethany Valenti 52:49

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 52:50

well then, like, again, it's not for me to decide what can and can't work for a couple, the couple has to decide what can and can't work for them.

Bethany Valenti 52:57

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 52:58

we absolutely, and actually currently I'm working with a couple where one has said like, I don't know if like penetrative sex is going to be back on the table for me at any point. Like it has been so long since I've enjoyed it. they're experiencing a lot of sexual pain, which is a big part of sex therapy is sexual pain.

Bethany Valenti 53:16

right?

Carly Deremo-1 53:17

Especially for female partners unfortunately.

Bethany Valenti 53:19

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 53:20

What if penetrative sex was never back on the table here? Like, is that something that feels. Reasonable for you all? Is that something that you all could navigate and that person's partner said yes. Like without pause? Yes. That's something we could navigate. Now they do wanna focus on like still having physical intimacy with each other and that partner who answered yes so quickly also is like, I don't wanna just be roommates. So that roommate phase is a big thing that comes up in couples therapy of like, we're really good at being roommates

Bethany Valenti 53:51

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 53:52

like maybe even co-parents, but we're not very good at being a romantic couple anymore. Most couples go through a couple roommate phases across their relationship span. So that is a very, very common, if anybody is in that, y'all are not doomed. A lot of people. I would say right now my husband and I are really good at being roommates 'cause we're in baby land. So,

Bethany Valenti 54:11

Same.

Carly Deremo-1 54:12

Having like a conscious agreement around things in a couple is far more important than like hard and fast rules.

Bethany Valenti 54:18

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 54:19

if both are aware that something is off the table for now or for always, and both are consenting and agreeable to that, then who am I to say that you must have sex for a relationship to be healthy? There's also a lot of asexual people in the world where like that's just not something for them, period.

Bethany Valenti 54:36

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 54:37

it's something for me in very small doses. but it always feels a little bit more like homework. But I'm willing to do homework sometimes 'cause it's good for my relationship.

Bethany Valenti 54:46

Because I also love this

Carly Deremo-1 54:46

yeah.

Bethany Valenti 54:47

and Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 54:48

So I don't think you have to have sex for a relationship to be healthy. I do think we have to have agreements and consent and conscious awareness around these things because If it's happening subconsciously or we're just not talking about it. I do think that's a lot of fodder for resentment to build up and resentment is really, really tricky to work on in a relationship. but yeah, I think just about anything is on the table as long as people are consenting to it. I mean, this is a whole other can of worms that we don't have to open. But even like, you know, for some folks, monogamy has to be the thing.

Bethany Valenti 55:24

mind. I was like,

Carly Deremo-1 55:25

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 55:26

other thing

Carly Deremo-1 55:26

Yeah. 'cause even most of this conversation I've been saying, couple or partners implying to,

Bethany Valenti 55:32

Yep.

Carly Deremo-1 55:32

there was debate and there probably still is. I just don't really bother myself with it all that much anymore about, oh well, can a healthy relationship have more than one partner or do you have to be a monogamous duo? I think there are so many ways to have a healthy relationship. It could be more than two partners. It could be sex, it could be no sex. It could be kink, it could be no kink, it could be kids, no kids, like whatever the prescriptions are out there for how to have like a healthy, happy marriage or relationship. I think anything is on the table as long as everybody is aware and consenting to it. So yes, I think there are ways absolutely to have healthy, a healthy marriage where maybe there's multiple partners or an open marriage Like again, as long as things are being discussed and consented to and agreed upon.

Bethany Valenti 56:23

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 56:24

Then I don't make the rules on what is healthy.

Bethany Valenti 56:26

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 56:27

tend to see. Yes,

Bethany Valenti 56:29

if people are on board,

Carly Deremo-1 56:31

yes.

Bethany Valenti 56:32

can

Carly Deremo-1 56:32

And

Bethany Valenti 56:32

rules.

Carly Deremo-1 56:33

I would say what goes across, you know, what we tend to see in the couple's literature at least is good communication, trust, and fidelity. shared values and interests tend to be things that predict satisfaction in a long-term relationship.

Bethany Valenti 56:49

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 56:50

trust and fidelity does not have to be monogamy.

Bethany Valenti 56:53

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 56:53

fidelity to the relationship agreement. If the relationship agreement is monogamy, then great if the relationship agreement is we swing every other weekend with other couples. Cool. but yes, good communication, trust and fidelity, and then shared interest goals and values. When folks have that, long-term relationships tend to be happier and healthier.

Bethany Valenti 57:16

Yeah. we were talking off mic before we got started, there was a discussion about, sexual attraction versus like emotional attraction.

Carly Deremo-1 57:24

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 57:26

and then we'll transition to our wrap up question so you can get back to bebe?

Carly Deremo-1 57:29

Yeah. so, we were discussing a client before we started recording, and yeah, it brings up kind of a age old question, I suppose. something that Esther Perel talks a lot about is, can we have that sexual, fire and passion and excitement and eroticism with emotional safety and comfort and that type of intimacy? And, my understanding from her book is a lot of times she's like, I don't know that you can really have both in equal measure.

Bethany Valenti 57:59

That doesn't mean you have to have a hundred percent of one or the other, right?

Carly Deremo-1 58:02

Right, right. So I would say a lot of relationships, certainly folks I work with, where that comes up. Like, this person is my best friend, I wanna spend so much time with them. nothing is more fun than hanging out with her But like, I don't know, like I feel like we're really having to work at the sex part and that was just an example, but

Bethany Valenti 58:20

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 58:20

that can almost feel like a trade off because if sexual eroticism is defined as like riskiness and play and newness and all of that, and if we have so much like comfort and safety and familiarity with someone, it makes sense that that kind of comes at the expense of the other. now again, like knowing that that's a common struggle in and of itself is something that helps a lot of couples, I think. And then again, it's, hey, like it's okay if that's not your strong suit. You guys are really good at this emotional intimacy piece. Let's use that. 'cause you got so much safety and comfort to talk with each other. So let's try and talk about some of that, like sexual riskiness or eroticism stuff. Let's use your strength to work on the weakness if we wanna use, again, the binary language. So, and again, like there, it's not for me to say if any of that is a deal breaker or not.

Bethany Valenti 59:14

right.

Carly Deremo-1 59:14

what I had said to you is, me personally,

Bethany Valenti 59:17

we agreed. I think we have this in common

Carly Deremo-1 59:19

yeah,

Bethany Valenti 59:19

go ahead.

Carly Deremo-1 59:20

I probably like it. And again, this is just me. This isn't the rule for all people.

Bethany Valenti 59:25

Yep.

Carly Deremo-1 59:26

I'm probably, it's probably better and healthier for me as a person to have more of that emotional intimacy and safety and comfort and familiarity. And I would rather work at that sexual piece if I have to. For, again, me personally working on that, like intimacy and safety piece feels harder, and so I'd rather work at the sexual stuff than the safety stuff. Now,

Bethany Valenti 59:49

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 59:50

are other people that would say they are the complete opposite, and that doesn't mean they're right, I'm wrong or any of that. It's just

Bethany Valenti 59:55

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 59:56

difference.

Bethany Valenti 59:56

And one of the things I've said to a client myself is you get to a point, especially when you, you're growing as a family. I will take someone who shows up as a father and parent, and a partner in that way, over somebody who. Just wants sex,

Carly Deremo-1 1:00:12

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 1:00:13

is not supportive in other ways that I need,

Carly Deremo-1 1:00:16

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 1:00:16

know,

Carly Deremo-1 1:00:16

Mm-hmm.

Bethany Valenti 1:00:17

that you can rely on someone who's reliable in that way.

Carly Deremo-1 1:00:20

Yeah, and like passion and excitement and like riskiness and fun, like those things are so important too. And so it, it's not that's not my way of saying oh no, safety is more important than hot fiery sex or anything like that. It's all important. It's all lovely. And again, it's just like, where do you feel comfortable channeling more of your energy?

Bethany Valenti 1:00:42

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 1:00:42

for some folks like, Hey, we can totally learn ways of shaking it up in the bedroom or trying new stuff or infusing more of that passion and excitement. Let's focus that there. 'cause you all are really good in this area, so let's leave that alone 'cause that's going well or we're gonna use that to work on this other area.

Bethany Valenti 1:00:59

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 1:01:00

so, I know it can be frustrating to not have the best of all worlds. but it again, and that's probably where. Feminist psychology, but also like positive psychology comes in a lot for me is

Bethany Valenti 1:01:11

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 1:01:12

use the strengths, let's use the stuff that's already working to focus on the things then that aren't working as much. 'cause again, the, and that's something that I come back to a lot with couples. You all fell in love. You all have so much good stuff here. Otherwise you never would've bothered to come to therapy. Why do all this hard stuff if it's not worth working on? Or you never would've gotten married or you never would've had kids together, whatever their markers are,

Bethany Valenti 1:01:37

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 1:01:37

you've got so much good stuff. Like what did you originally fall in love with? What does your partner still do so well for you? and I'd like to hear about those things a lot because that's the stuff that energizes us to do the harder things.

Bethany Valenti 1:01:50

Then it also gives you the warm fuzzies. It's like that's the gooey

Carly Deremo-1 1:01:53

Yeah. Yeah. That's always lovely to hear.

Bethany Valenti 1:01:55

that's not there, then it's like, then you don't even know what you're working toward. You

Carly Deremo-1 1:01:59

Yeah.

Bethany Valenti 1:02:00

therapist, let alone the couple, it's

Carly Deremo-1 1:02:02

Yeah. And I will say like a, a common myth. Then I guess I'll to, and then we can shift into the final questions you have. Common myth is that and this goes for individual therapy too, that it is all like hard, that it's scary, that it's depressing. People say that to me all the time when I tell them I'm a therapist. They're like, I don't know how you listen to people's problems all day long. That's gotta be the most depressing job. And I always dispel that myth. Whenever anybody says that to me, I'm like, yes, of course there are hard sessions or depressing days I was like, but therapy can be so fun and even with some of my couples, when they achieve a new skill or unlock something I also just like couples are really funny together. Like they have their own inside jokes and their unique little things and like. There's so much love in the room, even in couples therapy when we're angry and fighting at times. Like I laugh a ton with clients, even the ones that are going through super depressing shit.

Bethany Valenti 1:03:02

Yeah.

Carly Deremo-1 1:03:03

can find a place for like humor and fun and like

Bethany Valenti 1:03:07

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo-1 1:03:07

it with couples too, like it is not all just like angry arguments in couples therapy or contention. Like there are so many times where we are like laughing together or excitedly planning something or sharing a win or, actually right before I went on maternity leave, I had three different clients announce pregnancies to me and two of them were having fertility struggles and I'm like. Yeah, working with them through infertility was of course sad and challenging. And then you have a session like that where like I was crying, they were crying, like it was so happy. And I'm like, as many depressing sessions as you might have or arguments you might have in couples therapy. There's just as many like wins and excitements and, you know, points of optimism and all that. So that's probably one big myth about couples therapy is that you're just going in there and fighting week after week.

Bethany Valenti 1:04:00

Mm-hmm. Well, let's, we, I know when I'm gonna say what my husband always says, especially when we're at a restaurant with a kid. We're on borrowed time here, or we got a ticking time bomb or whatever. So let's do the quick wrap up stuff, but have loved, this conversation and hope to, have another one in the future. so the questions I like to ask, for instance, are, where are you licensed?

Carly Deremo 1:04:21

so I'm licensed in the state of Ohio, so I practice in person, in the South Dayton area.

Bethany Valenti 1:04:26

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:04:26

I can work telehealth with anybody in the state of Ohio.

Bethany Valenti 1:04:31

Good. do you have openings right now?

Carly Deremo 1:04:33

I think I do actually. so because I, just took 12 weeks off for maternity leave, a couple clients did just decide that they were doing well and have dropped off. So, I'm coming back November 3rd and I do believe I'll be able to open up to probably at least a small handful of individuals or couples.

Bethany Valenti 1:04:53

So if you wanna get in there, get in there. Do you take insurance?

Carly Deremo 1:04:57

do take insurance.

Bethany Valenti 1:04:58

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:04:58

so, I work with Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield

Bethany Valenti 1:05:02

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:02

which is under the Optum umbrella.

Bethany Valenti 1:05:04

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:05

bunch of companies that work

Bethany Valenti 1:05:06

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:05:07

So I always encourage folks to check, 'cause there's surest, there's UMR, there's UBH,

Bethany Valenti 1:05:15

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:16

Optum, and all of those are under, like the UnitedHealthcare umbrella.

Bethany Valenti 1:05:19

Right.

Carly Deremo 1:05:20

your insurance. if you're looking, you can ask them my name and they usually can tell you if I'm paneled with them or not. So Anthem UnitedHealthcare Medical Mutual. Custom design benefits is an open network, so

Bethany Valenti 1:05:31

Mm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:31

with them as well. And then I also do private pay rates. I do try to have a little bit of a sliding scale

Bethany Valenti 1:05:37

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:38

have an idea of what I would like to make per session

Bethany Valenti 1:05:41

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:42

if they can do that, can we please meet that?

Bethany Valenti 1:05:44

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:05:44

maybe flex it down, you know, 20/30 bucks, something like that.

Bethany Valenti 1:05:49

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:05:50

if people can't do it.

Bethany Valenti 1:05:51

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:05:52

but yes, I do work

Bethany Valenti 1:05:53

Okay.

Carly Deremo 1:05:54

and I would say majority of my clients are probably, using insurance.

Bethany Valenti 1:05:57

Yeah. And it's kind of rare to find a couple's therapist that takes insurance, correct?

Carly Deremo 1:06:01

insurance makes it a little harder to bill for couples.

Bethany Valenti 1:06:03

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:06:04

a lot of us don't wanna do it, but, I do try to stay available for that because

Bethany Valenti 1:06:09

you're excellent with that.

Carly Deremo 1:06:10

be hard these days.

Bethany Valenti 1:06:11

Yes. and what is your current fee that you'd like to stay at? Even if you are on a sliding scale,

Carly Deremo 1:06:15

150 for intake and then 125 for subsequent sessions. I may have to reevaluate that in 2026, just

Bethany Valenti 1:06:23

So that was very asterisk, current fee.

Carly Deremo 1:06:25

then for couples, typically 175 for intake and 150 for subsequent sessions.

Bethany Valenti 1:06:30

Yeah,

Carly Deremo 1:06:31

and then, yeah, usually each year I kind of evaluate, is that still an okay place for me to be? I skipped that evaluation in 2025 'cause I was

Bethany Valenti 1:06:39

yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:06:39

with family,

Bethany Valenti 1:06:40

And what do you like to nerd about out about?

Carly Deremo 1:06:43

oh, wasn't expecting that one.

Bethany Valenti 1:06:45

Quirkier ones.

Carly Deremo 1:06:46

I am a psychology nerd.

Bethany Valenti 1:06:48

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:06:48

good that my husband is a psychologist, so We both listen to a lot of mental health and psychology related podcasts. And so then he'll come home like, I was listening to this episode and like, so we

Bethany Valenti 1:06:59

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:06:59

out about a good of like psychology stuff.

Bethany Valenti 1:07:02

Yes.

Carly Deremo 1:07:03

haters on the self-help industry. So we do like, have some fun with just hating on those things.

Bethany Valenti 1:07:09

Oh, I wanna hear more about this off mic even.

Carly Deremo 1:07:11

I do love like media, so like movies shows.

Bethany Valenti 1:07:16

Yep.

Carly Deremo 1:07:17

could talk movies and shows all

Bethany Valenti 1:07:19

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:07:19

day. I have

Bethany Valenti 1:07:20

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:07:21

loved going to the movies and losing myself in a story

Bethany Valenti 1:07:24

Yes.

Carly Deremo 1:07:25

and like debating about fictional characters

Bethany Valenti 1:07:27

Same.

Carly Deremo 1:07:28

impact our lives in no way I could do that for hours.

Bethany Valenti 1:07:31

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:07:31

I definitely am loving some of the trash reality TV right now. Like the Netflix reality shows, those dating shows.

Bethany Valenti 1:07:39

Nice.

Carly Deremo 1:07:40

I like my husband and I'll watch him and then just be like, I can't believe she's talking to him like that. Like, it's so immature Um,

Bethany Valenti 1:07:47

the point of the show. That's what gets with me. Like that's one of the reasons I can't watch those shows. I take them too seriously. I get so invested.

Carly Deremo 1:07:53

we'll, debate

Bethany Valenti 1:07:53

yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:07:54

I'll start sweating watching something because I'm

Bethany Valenti 1:07:56

Ah,

Carly Deremo 1:07:57

getting so

Bethany Valenti 1:07:57

yeah. me.

Carly Deremo 1:07:58

love those things. And then I do also, I I, millennial woman that I do love me some true crime.

Bethany Valenti 1:08:04

True crime. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Do you still do my favorite murder

Carly Deremo 1:08:07

I do.

Bethany Valenti 1:08:08

podcast? Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:08:09

murder so much

Bethany Valenti 1:08:09

I need to get back on it.

Carly Deremo 1:08:11

which I love 'cause I'm listening to them like, it's like they're brand new

Bethany Valenti 1:08:14

I haven't listened to it in years, but I need to go back to it. I know that we also love, some maintenance phase podcast as well,

Carly Deremo 1:08:21

yes.

Bethany Valenti 1:08:21

think I'm a little behind, which I'm not ever mad about it.

Carly Deremo 1:08:24

If Books Could

Bethany Valenti 1:08:25

I, I'm behind on it, but Yeah. Yeah. They're so cute. I remember you're like,

Carly Deremo 1:08:28

such a

Bethany Valenti 1:08:29

Peter,

Carly Deremo 1:08:29

Yes. And those are podcasts that both my husband and I listen to, so he'll be like, did you listen to the new

Bethany Valenti 1:08:35

this one.

Carly Deremo 1:08:35

phase?

Bethany Valenti 1:08:35

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:08:36

I'll listen to it tomorrow on my drive to work. And then that way we can come home and talk about it at

Bethany Valenti 1:08:39

Chat about it. Yeah. I love it. I just, you just like want to talk with them in real life, like you feel like you're a part of the conversation. It's so,

Carly Deremo 1:08:46

fun if we all sat down

Bethany Valenti 1:08:47

I literally like, if only we could make that happen,

Carly Deremo 1:08:51

know.

Bethany Valenti 1:08:51

really. We weren't, you know, prone to a parasocial relationship.

Carly Deremo 1:08:54

Yeah,

Bethany Valenti 1:08:55

do you have any pets?

Carly Deremo 1:08:56

I do. I have two dogs. They're very poorly trained and I have to shout at them all the time. I don't understand why two therapists who are trained in behavior modification can't it.

Bethany Valenti 1:09:09

I have the same with my old pups as you know. Yes.

Carly Deremo 1:09:12

Yes, we got two

Bethany Valenti 1:09:13

They're so loud

Carly Deremo 1:09:14

Her name is Gemma, and then a pit bull named Meech. they hated each other when they first met and they now can peacefully coexist. they're

Bethany Valenti 1:09:22

They're good with baby. They're good with the baby. That's what we need.

Carly Deremo 1:09:25

We'll see how that continues to

Bethany Valenti 1:09:27

Yes.

Carly Deremo 1:09:28

toddlerhood

Bethany Valenti 1:09:28

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:09:29

we'll

Bethany Valenti 1:09:29

Yeah.

Carly Deremo 1:09:30

bridge

Bethany Valenti 1:09:30

I know. One step at a time. Coffee or tea.

Carly Deremo 1:09:33

coffee for sure.

Bethany Valenti 1:09:34

see. I thought so. and I think we can wrap it up there, but like, how about we touch really quickly on where, clients can find you.

Carly Deremo 1:09:43

so I'm on Psychology today,

Bethany Valenti 1:09:46

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:09:46

they type in my name I'm probably gonna show up.

Bethany Valenti 1:09:49

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:09:50

that's on Psychology today.com. And then my practice is called Life Psychology, LLC, and I believe that's my website is life psychology llc.com. so that is also where I have more written about my theoretical orientation, my approach, I always update that as to if I'm taking new clients, and that's where folks can fill out information about themselves if they're interested in becoming a client. either going to Psychology Today or to my website. Both come to the same place

Bethany Valenti 1:10:19

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:10:20

can express interest and we can see if we're a good fit.

Bethany Valenti 1:10:23

And just for fun LIFE, I remember it stands for something, right?

Carly Deremo 1:10:28

Yes, love, insight, freedom, and empowerment.

Bethany Valenti 1:10:31

Yes.

Carly Deremo 1:10:33

the major components that I focus on with clients is like building insight, finding self-love or rekindling love in a relationship. And then also finding freedom from the systems and structures that kind of hold us back

Bethany Valenti 1:10:47

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:10:48

folks to embrace the changes

Bethany Valenti 1:10:49

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:10:50

move them forward.

Bethany Valenti 1:10:51

Mm-hmm.

Carly Deremo 1:10:51

picking a business name is really hard. that took me a long time

Bethany Valenti 1:10:55

Mm-hmm. we made it I don't know how she's let us do this, but we're gonna let you tell you. Go hug your baby. And