A Promise That Didn't Happen

In this episode of Tantrum of the Week, Lynn McLean explores a powerful and emotional moment many families experience: a nine-year-old who melts down when a long-anticipated family dinner plan is canceled at the last minute because of work.

Even though older children can understand the reason intellectually, broken plans can feel like broken promises—and the disappointment can overwhelm their ability to stay regulated. This episode looks at what’s really happening in a child’s nervous system when plans fall apart and how parents can respond with empathy instead of defensiveness or over-explaining.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why children take promises so literally
• What to say (and what not to say) during moments of big disappointment
• Why justifying or fixing the problem in the moment often makes things worse
• How to repair trust after a plan changes
• How to help children cope with frustration and unexpected change

If your child has ever exploded when something they were looking forward to didn’t happen, this episode will help you feel more confident, more connected, and less alone.

This content is for educational purposes only and is not therapy.

Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.

New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.

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Transcript

The Canceled Plan And Meltdown[_NL_]

Why Logic Fails During Tantrums[_NL_]

Validation Over Explanations[_NL_]

Avoid Overpromising, Plan Repairs[_NL_]

Make A New Plan And Follow Through[_NL_]

Proactive Planning And Weather Examples[_NL_]

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to the Tantrum of the Week podcast, where we talk about the latest tantrum erupting at your house and give you quick ideas about what's happening and how to help them go away. I'm Lynn McLean. I'm a child therapist and parent coach, and I've helped lots of parents manage lots of tantrums. We talk about real tantrums every podcast and give you pro tips about how to manage them. I'm so glad you're here. This week's tantrum of the week comes from a nine-year-old, believe it or not. Nine-year-olds are not too old to throw tantrums. Dad has promised that the family is gonna go to the kids' favorite restaurant. It's a big plan. They've made it for more than a week. And at the last minute, dad ends up with a work obligation and cannot go and cannot take the family. Kids need to be at home with mom. And the nine-year-old had been looking forward to this so much and absolutely breaks down. When dad gets home from work, a nine-year-old absolutely launches and just is yelling. I did all the stuff I was supposed to do so we could go. And then you lied to me. You didn't take me. So angry at this parent, honestly, heartbroken, is crying about it and is having a hard time regaining control. And that's what makes it a tantrum. They're really not in control. Parent is absolutely guilt stricken and feels terrible, is a little mad also because I mean they had to work. It wasn't like they just decided not to go. So it's a very tense situation, and this child is um yelling, and everybody at home is really upset about the whole thing. So my heart goes out to everybody in this scenario. I mean, parents are doing their best. Honestly, I'm gonna tell you, there is no parent that doesn't want to do right by their child. I've been doing this a long time, and I know this without a doubt. Working, bringing home the money that they need to provide for the household is on the list of ways that parents take care of their kids. That logic is not gonna fly with a nine-year-old. And I think that even though intellectually they can understand it and they're old enough to get that, using that argument in the moment is not gonna help them. I also know that when a kid is looking forward to something so much and they prioritize that feeling of being with the family and going where that they love, it's really fun. And having that taken away at the last minute can feel absolutely overwhelming. That's what happens, right? Their nervous systems get absolutely overwhelmed and they can't handle it in any kind of age-appropriate way. And at nine, we do expect kids to be able to handle things with a little more um equilibrium, a little more regulation, but sometimes it just doesn't, it doesn't work. And at nine, you know what, their brains are still developing these abilities. So, like I said, you can tell my heart goes out to everybody in this situation. So it's important to remember that kids take promises absolutely literally. This little one was really looking forward to this on this day, and being sure that it happens even on another day is not gonna help the tantrum in the moment. It can be hard for parents. We really want to teach our kids that trust is an important thing for them to establish with us, and to do that, we need to let them trust us as well, and that adds to this parent's guilt and um maybe embarrassment and maybe irritation with this kid's reaction. It is important for them to be able to trust us, and I think that we can use this as a way to help kids understand some of the implications of circumstances out of our control. When everybody can be calm, when everybody is regulated, it absolutely can be a moment to repair that honestly breach of trust in the moment. So saying, I know you really wanted to go, and this feels so hard to you. This is not the time to justify what happened, but you know I had to work. I couldn't go. I couldn't, we couldn't go. I didn't do this on purpose. It's not the time to do that. It's just the time to be in the moment and say, I'm really sorry. This feels really hard. I'm disappointed too. Stick with that, say those words, stop talking, just be present with the child in that moment. It can really help everybody feel heard, it can help everybody calm down further, and it can go a long way to helping your child understand that you do mean it. The other thing that you can do is really don't over-defend yourself, like I mentioned. Don't, but you know what I did, or over-explain or try to distract. So I know, I know, I know we said we could, but look, we could order a pizza in. You don't have to do that in the moment. Just really stay in the moment about, I know this feels really hard. And you know, you're calm down and thank you for that. Here we are. You do want to be um mindful of um overpromising in the future, like this will never happen again. I will always be able to keep my promises to you. You don't have to do that. You know, things come up. This parent didn't do anything wrong, they had to go to work, they were not able to take their child to this planned pizza outing. You can't ever say, okay, it's never gonna happen again. You can say though, okay, you know what? I know this to happen today. I do know that I will have time on Saturday and we will make a plan to go. But what if you have to work? You know what? I understand you're worried about that. It did happen today. It probably won't happen. So we will be able to go on Saturday. If it does happen, I'm gonna let you know as soon as I know, and we'll make another plan. And that's one of the big keys to helping your child trust you and helping them learn what to do for you to trust them. Make a plan, follow up. If the plan falls apart because things do, you just address it. Okay, you know what happened? We're not gonna be able to keep that plan. Let's make another one. This is going on, or if you know something's coming, like, oh, let's say we had um an idea to go to the park, and something you can see something's gonna go on. Oh my gosh, it's gonna rain. You can go to them ahead of time and say, listen, it's supposed to rain Saturday. If we can, we will still go to the park. But what we could do instead is plan a movie day inside, and then Sunday it's looking like there's no rain, so we can make a plan to go to the park instead on Sunday. You're less likely to have a little one who blows up because at the last minute something happened and it derailed your whole idea. You can't always do this. Things happen, kids are gonna have to adapt, they're gonna be able to, um, they're gonna be able to adjust, but you're modeling in the moment. Listen, this was disappointing, this was really hard. You did calm down. We will make a different plan and not distract them, just help them be in the disappointment, and then proactively help see that there are other things that can happen that your child can count on you for, and then you'll be able to count on them. You're teaching them really important things, and you're expecting appropriate behavior in the meantime. You're not for yelling at because a plan changed. We do understand that they got upset, and in the future, you can hopefully counteract it by coming in earlier. All right, I hope that this helped, and here's to fun planning in your future. Let us know if you have any questions.