Sibling Bedtime Battles

Episode 8: Sibling Bedtime Battles

In this episode of Tantrum of the Week, Lynn McLean talks about a bedtime struggle many families face: a young child who melts down because an older sibling gets to stay up later.

What feels like a small difference to adults—just 30 minutes—can feel deeply unfair and overwhelming to a young child. When nightly tantrums take over bedtime, parents are often left exhausted, frustrated, and unsure how to respond without giving in.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why young children struggle so much with bedtime fairness
• What’s happening in your child’s nervous system during these meltdowns
• Why trying to teach “fairness” during a tantrum doesn’t work
• What to say (and what not to say) when your child is upset
• How to hold bedtime limits calmly while staying empathic

If bedtime has turned into a nightly battle because siblings have different rules, this episode will help you understand what’s really going on—and how to bring more calm and confidence back to your evenings.

Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.

New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.

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Transcript

Welcome And Episode Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Tantrum of the Week podcast, where we talk about the latest tantrum erupting at your house and give you quick ideas about what's happening and how to help them go away. I'm Lynn McLean. I'm a child therapist and parent coach, and I've helped lots of parents manage lots of tantrums. We talk about real tantrums every podcast and give you pro tips about how to manage them. I'm so glad you're here. This week's tantrum of the week is about a five-year-old who is absolutely furious that her seven-year-old brother gets to go to bed 30 minutes later than she does. It's only 30 minutes. Doesn't seem like much, but you know what? It is the world to this little one. Every time it happens, and just about every night, you're getting the tantrum. Even though you've already talked about it, explained how come, he gets to go to bed later, and you've ignored the behavior. At this point, you're really probably tired of it. Believe it or not, probably even your five-year-old is tired of it. And in the meantime, bedtime is far from the peaceful transition that, frankly, you need it to be. They need to rest, they need to get to bed, and you need some quiet. But your five-year-old is screaming, crying, refusing to go to bed, taking up all the attention that would be going to your other child and to your own evening wind-down routine, and it's causing havoc. You start to dread bedtime and you just don't know what to do. So I think it's important for us to talk about the importance of establishing fairness and the understanding that sometimes it doesn't all go our way. We want our kids to understand these things, but we know that trying to teach them this during a tantrum is not gonna work. So I want to tell you that first of all, know that you're doing a good job. Know that your child is gonna understand this, even though they're throwing down every night because they're so mad about it. It's important to understand what's happening in the moment. Her nervous system is absolutely dregulated and probably can't take a whole lot of words right now. Yours might be too, honestly. So take breath, try to get calm in the moment, just be chill and understand that at this age, five-year-olds don't have a lot of tolerance for an abstract concept like fairness. They can't tolerate this idea that somebody else is getting all the attention, somebody else is looking more important because they get to stay up later. They're really wishing they had all of those things, and they can't really delay their gratification enough to say, okay, I understand. When I get older, I'll be able to stay up later. They just can't do it yet. Does it mean that you should change the rule? Absolutely not. Stick to your guns. You can do this, they need to understand. But in the meantime, you want to take a beat, calm down. Maybe your child can calm down a little bit, and you can start to make some statements, even if they're not calm yet. Now, these things may land, they may not, they may help them calm down, they may not. But what you want to do is just really calmly, briefly state, I know, this really doesn't feel fair to you. Be sure you're empathic. Be sure that you might be feeling a little angrier than I want you to sound. Be sure that you're being very calm. I know this is really doesn't feel fair to you. You don't like it at all. And I'm not gonna change the plan. This is the plan. It's time for you to go to bed. And then you can offer them some kind of an alternative to help them get on their way to bed. So, um, do you want me or your dad to walk you in? Would you like this blanket or that one? You don't debate the fairness, you don't talk about it, you don't debate anything other than, gosh, it's time for you to get to bed, even though you really don't want to. When they can calm down and at a time that is not bedtime, you can start to talk about some other ideas for them. This can help ward off future tantrums, hopefully. You want to be sure that you're being clear that the limit is not going to change, they're still not gonna get to stay up later. One phrase I really love is you're a different kid. So you can say that. Why do I have to go to bed earlier? You know, you're different. He's older, he gets to stay up a little bit later. You are a different kid, and your bedtime is 7:30. So that can be a way that you can start to um establish this boundary. You definitely don't want to talk about, oh, well, you're gonna get this in two years when you're seven. You don't want to do that. The other thing that you can talk about is um fairness is not equal. So what you want to say, you know, is that yeah, you're you're a different kid, he has a different thing, he's older. Don't start to offer an explanation and a rationalization. I know, but you're littler and you get more privileges about me helping you tie your shoes. Don't do that. But you definitely want to talk about, yeah, I know, you're different kids, you get this, he gets that. I do this, your dad does this. These are these are ways that you are gonna teach your kids these really important lessons about fair is not always equal. And guess what? We're gonna help you through the times that it feels really, really hard. You do want to offer some ideas about when things are predictable. So, for example, in another area, everybody is always gonna get a turn. You might not always be first, but you're absolutely gonna get a plan to have a turn. That can be a way that your five-year-old can start to integrate this idea of, oh, okay, all right, okay. It's it doesn't mean always. When you're little, not right now, can feel like forever, and it's so hard. Hang in there. You got this with consistency, with repetition, with empathy. I think even this little five year old is gonna want to go to bed in a peaceful way and is gonna accept the inequity even if they don't love it. Hang in there, let us know if you have any questions, and catch us next time on Tantrum of the Week.