When Your Child Lies.

What do you do when your child clearly broke something—but insists they didn’t?

In this episode of Tantrum of the Week, Lynn talks about a common parenting moment: a seven-year-old who breaks something and then denies it, even when the evidence is right in front of everyone. Moments like this can feel especially upsetting for parents, because teaching honesty and trust is one of the most important values many families want to pass on to their children.

But when kids lie about mistakes, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t know right from wrong.

In this episode, Lynn explains what may actually be happening developmentally for kids in these moments and how parents can respond in ways that build honesty rather than escalating the conflict.

You’ll learn:

• Why children sometimes lie when they know they’re in trouble
• What’s happening in a child’s brain during these moments
• Why arguing about the details often makes things worse
• How to respond calmly without turning it into a power struggle
• Ways to help kids take responsibility and repair mistakes

Parenting moments like this can feel stressful and discour

Thanks for listening to *Tantrum of the Week* with Lynn McLean, LCSW-S, Registered Play Therapist–Supervisor™.

New episodes each week to help parents understand and respond to their child’s biggest feelings with calm, confidence, and connection.

Learn more about play therapy and parent coaching in Houston, Texas: https://www.houstonfamilytherapyassociates.com/

Follow us on Instagram: @lmcleanlcsw

Check us out on Facebook: Lynn M. McLean, LCSW

📩 Join our email list for parenting tips and updates: https://lynnmclean.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ If you found this helpful, please follow, rate, and share the podcast to help other parents find support.

Transcript

Broken Object And Flat Denial

Why Seven-Year-Olds Lie Fast

Stop Arguing Over What Happened

Make Repair Plans Without Shame

Teach Truth By Modeling Ownership

Calm Reassurance And Closing

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to the Tantrum of the Week podcast, where we talk about the latest tantrum erupting at your house and give you quick ideas about what's happening and how to help them go away. I'm Lynn McLean. I'm a child therapist and parent coach, and I've helped lots of parents manage lots of tantrums. We talk about real tantrums every podcast and give you pro tips about how to manage them. I'm so glad you're here. Today's tantrum comes from a seven-year-old who broke something. You can see they did it. They continue to tell you that they absolutely did not do what your eyes are what your eyes are telling you happened. It's such a worry, I think, as parents. We know that one of our most important jobs is to teach our kids right from wrong. And we sure don't want them to think that lying is okay. We want them to know that we need them to tell us the truth. It's a way to establish trust, it's a way for us to keep them safe. And I think that it is something that feels like a foundational value for most families. So when you are in the middle of a situation like this and it's back and forth, nah-uh, ya-hum, it's important to keep in mind some of the things that are happening for you and for your child. So inwardly, you might be so worried about them and wondering where it all went wrong. You've taught them these things, you've shared really good, important life lessons with them, and still they're lying about this. You can see it broken right in front of you, and they were the only one that was there. You know they did it, but they keep denying it. What happened? Why can't they do this? Remember that this one act doesn't equal everything in their development and in their life. This is just one time. So think about calming down, take a beat. If you have to, take a breath, help them take a breath, tell them you're gonna come back and talk to them about it, but step away if you need to. You might be so mad. It's okay. You can calm down, you can come back, you can talk to them about it in a minute. While you're calming down, consider seven-year-olds, even though they want us to think they're completely grown a lot of times, they're still pretty young and their brains are still developing an ability to reason things out, to plan things out. And I'm gonna tell you, lying when you know that you've done something, that you're gonna get in trouble, is often the very first knee-jerk response because they don't want to get in trouble. They really wish it hadn't happened, and that's the first thing that comes to their mind is no, just rewind and make it all go away. So it doesn't mean that they don't know right from wrong. It can often just mean it's an impulse decision they want to keep from getting in trouble. They're probably really sorry that it happened, and they don't want you to be mad at them. The other thing that's important for us to realize is right now your child's values are still very much relationship-based. They're not as much rule-based. They can't think about a rule to obey in the moment when their emotions are high. And again, if they really don't want to get in trouble, their emotions you know are at the top because yours might be too. So think about what you can do in the moment for them. Once you've had a chance to calm down, maybe they're calmed down. The first thing I would say is just don't argue about the details of it anymore. Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. So don't stand there and say, Did you break this? and wait for them to lie to you again. You can see that they broke it. You don't have to know the details. You're just gonna operate on the assumption that that's what happened, and you're gonna let them know that you know that's what happened. You might say something like, Yeah, I have a different idea. That's a phrase that lets them know, yeah, we have a fundamental disagreement here, but we're not gonna keep fighting about this same thing. So that's a way to tell them, yeah, no, I actually understand what happened. Um, what you can tell them too is, you know what, you're not gonna be in trouble for telling me what happened. We're gonna be able to figure this out together. That's again why you really need to be calm. You can let them know, you know, there are ways for you to make some reparations in this circumstance. You can figure out how to fix this thing that you broke, or we can make a plan for you figuring out how to replace it. You don't want to ask a whole lot of questions about what led up to anything. Again, we're not gonna ask the question, did you do it? Because we know they did. You do want to find out maybe if they needed any help, maybe you could do something in the future, maybe you can help them know to come to you to ask for some help with something if it happens again. You got so frustrated you were trying to make this work and it didn't work, and you grabbed it and threw it. Next time you can just come to me and ask me, and I'm not gonna get mad at you because you don't know how to work it or you need some help. In the meantime, remember that this seven-year-old is really learning, and even though you have tried and tried and talked about not lying, think about it as another point of reference for them and for you, honestly. This is a mistake. It doesn't mean that they think lying is okay. This was an impulse decision, they didn't want to get in trouble, they didn't want to disappoint you, they're sorry it happened. It doesn't mean that they don't understand right from wrong. And I think that you can also point out other ways that you see them taking ownership for things that they're responsible for. So, oh, you know what? Thanks for telling me about that. I think that might have been hard for you. Or you can model owning your own mistakes out loud. You know what? We were late because I was not ready on time. Shucks. Next time I'm gonna set a reminder on my phone to go off earlier so we can leave earlier. Those are the things that are gonna teach them how to manage these things in the moment and keep them on track to the place you know that they're gonna be. They're gonna know right from wrong. They're gonna tell the truth. It's gonna be okay.