EP 20 | Self-Love Without the Guilt: A Wake-Up Call for Overwhelmed Moms

It's the month of LOVE and Self-love gets praised on posters, but what does it look like on a hard Tuesday when your calendar is packed and your inner critic is loud??

 We dig into a practical, judgment-free approach that helps high-achieving moms shift from perfectionism and people-pleasing to steadier confidence, calmer boundaries, and real compassion you can feel by dinner time.

I walk through the difference between self-love and self-compassion.

You’ll hear why “speak to yourself like you would to your child” isn’t just cute advice, it’s a cognitive reset that changes your choices. 

We also reframe self-care beyond candles and trips, focusing on daily standards, kept promises, and nervous-system-friendly rituals that fit the real world.

You’ll get simple tools you can use today and connect these skills to something bigger: the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. When you stop abandoning yourself, you become easier to love and easier on yourself.

If you’re ready to trade constant self-judgment for practical self-respect, this conversation gives you the steps. Subscribe for more grounded coaching, share this with a mom who needs a permission slip, and leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts so more women can live with intention, ease, and joy.

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Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

Why Self-Love Feels So Hard

Redefining Self-Love Versus Self-Care

Boundaries, Standards, And Self-Talk

Perfectionism And Acceptance

Self-Love And Connection To Others

Self-Compassion Defined

Three Pillars Of Self-Compassion

Practical Tools: Shift Inner Dialogue

Practical Tools: One Loving Boundary

Practical Tools: Pattern Interrupts

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You are listening to the Rockstar Mom, a podcast for high achievers who are ready to get off of autopilot and live a life with more intention, peace of mind, and happiness. This is a space to expand, dig deep, get clear, and take action towards living your most authentic, aligned life. I'm Megan Caldwell. As a mom of three, two-time burnout survivor and empowerment coach and speaker, I've cracked the code on what it actually takes to thrive at work and home, ditch perfectionism and people pleasing, get your schedule under control, and live with more ease. So you've got more time and energy to do the things you love without the mom guilt. It's time to get out of your head and into action. Now is the time to live your most rock star life. Let's go. Hey friend, and welcome back to the Rockstar Mom podcast. I am so thrilled and just grateful that you are here with me today. You've got just me today. This is a solo episode, and I'm talking about a topic that is just, I feel so important. And after having been in the wellness and coaching space for over a dozen years now, I find oftentimes the struggles that we have when it comes to our own health and wellness come down to a couple really core components. And one of those components is really this whole concept of self-love. So I'm recording this episode for you in the month of love. It's February 2026. And I had this idea to share this episode with you. And then it was completely reconfirmed when I was on a coaching call with some of my beautiful group coaching clients yesterday, when one of the women shared, in this month of February, I really want to focus on self-love. So this episode is for my clients that I am supporting through this space, as well as everyone else out there listening who knows that this is an area that you want to improve in, who recognizes that despite our best intentions, sometimes we are our own worst critics, and that there is more space for us to just be kinder and love ourselves more. So I'm going to be sharing with you a handful of things today, why self-love is so hard, the difference between self-love and self-compassion, different strategies for how you can actually do this, and how when we tune into and learn to self-love ourselves best at those deepest levels, how that actually allows us deeper connection with others, which I know is something that so many of us really, really crave. So let's go ahead and dive in. So, first of all, if you're listening to this right now, I want you to know that if self-love, positive self-talk, treating yourself well is something that is hard for you, know that you are not alone. I think oftentimes when we think of self-love, it's often misunderstood as being indulgent or selfish or, you know, something that I'll just take care of later. I've got too many other things to do, or I've got to tend to my kids or show up for them first. Especially for high-achieving, driven moms who are really, really great at caring for everyone else, this can be really challenging. So if you're in that boat, know that you're not alone. And I hope that you can at least walk away with one or two golden nuggets, tidbits, next steps from today's episode. I want to start by saying that self-love is not another thing to do. So if you are already stressed out by your to-do list, this is not another thing that we are adding on or layering on, but rather it really is about the way that you are relating to and treating yourself, especially in the hard moments. I'm sure that you've heard this the saying before speak to yourself the way that you'd speak to your children or speak to your best friend. Now, even though we can easily hear that and know that that would make us often feel better, it doesn't mean that it's it's necessarily easy. And part of the reason is because most of us were actually never really taught how to love ourselves. Again, we grew up oftentimes where we were taught how to perform, achieve, push through, tend to other needs. And now you've got this opportunity in the season of life you're in where you can actually take the time to step into a deeper self-love, self-appreciation, self-compassion for yourself. So let's actually start by just talking about what exactly is self-love. I turned to one of my favorite books to gather some ideas for this podcast. And Vex King is an author, and one of his newest books is called Things No One Taught Us About Love: How to Build Healthy Relationships with Yourself and Others. I think that oftentimes as we come into February and we think about Valentine's Day and love, at least in the earlier seasons of my life, it was all about like, what are you doing on Valentine's Day, the day that you have, the special thing that you're doing with your partner or spouse? And as I've transitioned into the season that I'm currently in, which is a lot about personal growth and development, so I can deepen those connections with others. It really is about deepening that connection with yourself. So, some ideas that Vex shares in this book is really that self-love is about how you speak to yourself. So it's getting in tune with your own self-talk, which I know the clients that come through my doors oftentimes, the self-talk is something that they don't feel proud of. It doesn't feel good. They're aware of it, but don't necessarily know how to change it. Self-love is also about the boundaries that you keep. Boundaries can both be with other people, but self-love and boundaries is also about the boundaries that you keep with yourself, the promises that you keep with yourself. And it also comes down to the standards that you hold for how you are treated. Really, self-love is, again, an internal relationship with yourself, not just like an external reward, if you will. And so it really is about being able to tune inward and love and trust ourselves so fully. I know one of the things that so many of the women that I support struggle with is we have been raised as perfectionists and type A and get things right the first time. I am guilty of it myself. I 100% consider myself a recovering perfectionist and a recovering people pleaser. And self-love isn't about becoming perfect, it's about really accepting yourself where you are in the season of life that you're in with the experiences that you've had. It's about acceptance. And truthfully, the way that you love yourself also teaches others how to best love you. It's like like attracts like. So as we love ourselves more, we become more of a magnet and it opens up the possibility and we open up kind of our arms to allowing to receive love in from others as well. So I think self-love sometimes can be interchanged with that word self-care. And many of you know my view on self-care that self-care isn't necessarily bubble baths and massages and girls' trips away, though those things can be lovely. Self-care and self-love really is about taking what you need, getting a little bit selfish, giving yourself permission to tune inward, to listen to your desires, to listen to your needs. It might look like resting without guilt. And again, this could be a whole nother conversation about why taking time to rest and pause and slow down is so hard. But being able to do so, that's a way to love yourself. Or saying no without needing to overexplain. I know one thing that I've shared in my own journey is that one point I was actually taking an online course on confidence many, many years ago. And I remember one of the suggestions they had was stop apologizing for things that you don't need to apologize for, right? Is really acknowledging like when we can hold true to our needs. And again, we can say no without needing to explain. We can want something just because we want something. And really, self-love is about not abandoning ourselves when things feel messy or feel chaotic or don't feel necessarily grounded. So, quick question for you before I move on is what does self-love look like for you on a hard day? Not on your best day, on the days where things are challenging, what could this look like for you? What are some small ways that you could acknowledge praise yourself, love yourself a little bit more? When I think of self-love, the the term self-compassion also comes to mind. And Kristen Neff is the author of a book all about self-compassion. And so I just wanted to take a moment to kind of define the difference between these two because I think they go hand in hand. And as we're here in the quote, month of love, it is about love, but it's also about compassion. So she really shares that self-love is kind of more about like how you value yourself. Again, the stories you tell yourself, what you're saying to yourself, and the relationship you have with who you believe that you are. And this is a big chunk of the work that I support women on inside of our your Rockstar Life group coaching community is how do we actually shift some of those internal beliefs so we are stepping into the woman that we are wanting to become. Sorry, a little side tangent there. So again, that's self-love, how you value yourself, the relationship that you have with how you bel who you believe that you are. Whereas Kristen Neff, again, author of self-compassion, says that self-compassion is really how you treat yourself, especially when you're struggling, failing, or feeling not enough. I want to say that again. Self-compassion, and again, this is a practice, this is a learned skill, is how you treat yourself when things are hard, when you're struggling, when you're having those feelings of not being enough or doing enough. I think oftentimes as high achievers, again, we just put so much internal pressure on ourselves to be coupled with the external pressure that we feel from family members, from society, from other places, is that we it's it's hard for us to make mistakes. It's hard for us to not be the best because, again, so much of that has to do with our conditioning. And so I just want to quickly kind of paraphrase a couple of Kristen Neff's main points when it comes to self-compassion and what this actually looks like. And she says that there are three main components. And the first one really comes down to, and again, this is us pulling away from cultural nor norms and expectations and ingrained habits of perfectionism and people pleasing, is the first one is really learning about self-kindness versus so many of us are so harsh with our self-judgment. We are constantly criticizing ourselves. Again, I bring you back to that kind of quote of speak to yourself the way that you would speak to your kids. We would only speak to our kids, I hope, with kindness. So, what does it look like to speak to yourself with kindness? The second piece that she says in terms of self-compassion, and I think that this one is so powerful because oftentimes when we are struggling, we think that we're completely alone. We think we're on our own island. And especially in the world of social media and seeing everyone's highlight reels, we often think that it's just us. But her whole perspective with self-compassion is that we must also recognize that this is common humanity. I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only one who struggles with beating myself up. I'm not the only one who wants more love for myself and for others. So I think just again, her second point here is really just recognizing you're not alone in this. And the third piece, which, you know, comes back to one of the rock star practices that I preach and teach over and over again, is just the power of pause, really brings in this concept that Kristen Neff talks about of mindfulness. Is how are we slowing down and tuning inward and really being intentional with how we live, being more mindful. So we're not ignoring pain or we're not exaggerating it, but we're just again really being present with it so we can move through it. She cites again this quote that I've kind of paraphrased, which is just self-compassion is simply treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. I think some may argue that again, self-kindness or I'm sorry, self-compassion and self-love could maybe be interchangeable. Again, slightly different kind of takes on it in terms of self-love being how you value yourself and the relationship you have with who you believe you are, whereas self-compassion really comes down to and leads into self-love is how you are treating yourself. And, you know, I think like as high-achieving moms, we oftentimes don't struggle with loving others, loving our kids or loving our partners or loving our friends or our family. But we struggle with offering ourselves that same type of grace and that same type of self-love. So I want to go ahead now and just give you a couple just kind of tangible self-love practices, things that you could do today. They're simple, they're doable, they're nervous system friendly, and that they are gonna help you feel better. Number one is changing that inner dialogue. It is really all about helping you shift perspective. You might maybe refer to this, or I'm sorry, Kristen Neff kind of refers to this in her book as a self-compassion break, if you will. And so basically, it is the art and the practice of noticing when self-criticism comes in. So the first step always is to acknowledge it and to pause and tell yourself, this is hard. That is bringing in again that mindfulness component, reminding yourself, I'm not alone in this. Again, that brings in her whole perspective of kind of common humanity that we're not the only one in this. And then self-kindness comes into play by asking yourself, what do I need right now? Let me repeat those again. So, again, as we work to shift that inner dialogue, first you need to notice when you are self-criticizing or speaking to yourself poorly, or that demon on your shoulder is saying something unkind. Pause and say, This is hard. I'm not alone in this. And then ask yourself, what do I need right now? Friendly reminder, this only takes 30 seconds. You don't have to pull out a pen and paper to journal on this. It really is, again, practicing the power of pause and giving yourself permission to really feel a little bit as to what's going on. The second practice, which I'm going to call kind of one loving boundary this week, is really thinking about what is one small boundary that you can set for yourself right now, either for later for today or sometime this week, to help you feel better. One way to give yourself a little bit more love. You might start to acknowledge what this small boundary might be by asking yourself the question, what is draining you the most right now? Oftentimes when we are having those energy leaks or those energy drains, that's when we oftentimes need boundaries, again, either with ourselves or towards others. So some examples of small boundaries are maybe going to bed 15 minutes earlier tonight, or maybe it's saying no to an invitation that you got. And I do want to give you permission as well. You can also, even if there's an invitation or event that you've already said yes to, you can actually go back and say no and change your RSVP if you need, if that is what you are actually needing and feeling. Another idea for a small boundary is, you know, asking for what you need and then not explaining yourself. Just telling it as it is and not feeling like you have to explain why or go deeper into it. A friendly reminder that boundaries aren't walls. They actually are acts of self-respect and self-love. And even though we oftentimes fear that other people, especially when boundaries have to do with other people, that they may upset other people, really in the long run, boundaries are best for all of us because it keeps expectations clear. It helps us hold to our boundaries and our non-negotiables. But again, when I'm talking about small boundaries, these ones most likely might be ones that you are keeping with yourself. A boundary that I'm going to have my glass of water before I have my coffee in the morning. I totally made that up. I'm not a coffee drinker, if you didn't know. A third idea is just again bringing to light, starting to practice speaking to yourself like you would speak to your kids. Would you talk to your children the way that you sometimes talk to yourself internally? My guess is no. And if not, then why is that acceptable for you? The cool thing is, is you have the power to change this. We have the power to change our thinking habits, change our thoughts. And it starts with again, catching that thought, catching that demon, catching that negative self-talk, what I call a pattern interrupt, all right, which is just gonna, you're gonna shift the thought that was happening and replace it with something else. So for example, if the thought coming up is something like, oh man, I'm failing at this, I suck at this, you could replace it with one of my favorites, which is I'm doing the best I can with what I have today. That is one of my favorite pattern interrupts, one of my favorite mantras. I say it over and over again to myself. I share it with clients over and over again. I'm sharing it with you now. Is when you recognize negative self-talk coming in for any reason, interrupt it, speak to yourself as you would to your kids. I'm doing the best I can right now. And one last form, if you will, of self-love, simple self-love that I just want to share with you is just kind of body-based self-love, is really taking a moment to just tune into your tune into your body, tune into how you are actually doing. This could be just placing a hand on your heart when you're overwhelmed. It could be taking three just deep inhales and exhales before responding to something that maybe triggered you in some way. It could be inserting some type of very gentle movement, such as stretching or yoga, instead of something hard. These are just different ways that you can show yourself in your body self-love. One other thing I just want to share, and again, I kind of pulled this and was reminded from this from Vex King's book, Things No One Taught Us About Love, is just the power of how self-love and loving oneself truly at the core allows you deeper connections with others. You can't truly feel deeply connected to others if you're feeling disconnected from yourself. You just can't do it. Again, we we practice it with ourselves so we can share and feel with others. He said a quote that I loved, which is basically the relationship that you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. Let me say that again. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. And this, my friend, is why I'm such a big proponent for and cheerleader when it comes to personal development and self-care and moving yourself into the next evolution of yourself. Oftentimes we might get frustrated with other relationships, whether it be with our kids or with our spouses or with our coworkers. And oftentimes it can come down to and come back to how we are treating ourself. And when we lean into more self-love and self-acceptance and self-compassion and being able to sell boundaries, it allows us to better the relationships with everyone around us. So as I wrap up for today, I just want to remind you that self-love is a practice. It is a practice. So if you are beating yourself up right now that you're not good at self-related, stop. All right. Think about what is the one small thing that you can tell yourself with a little bit of kindness, a little bit of compassion today. Self-love is not a final destination. Again, it's a daily practice of really choosing to reconnect with yourself, not abandon yourself and know that this is your one precious life, your one precious body. And we can either choose to continue to go through it beating ourselves up and feeling crummy, or this is an invitation for you to really step into your own and start small, my friend. Start to acknowledge when those not so kind thoughts come in and choose to shift them. Again, if I can be of more support at a deeper level for you, please just reach out. As we come to a close here, I'm just gonna invite you to choose one thing, one MVA, one minimal viable action to practice this week. Start there and then see where it becomes. Give it a test run, see what works, see what doesn't work. Again, if you needed additional support, reach out to me or others. And if this episode resonated with you, I do invite you to share this with another mom or quote strong woman who needs permission to be kinder to herself. All right, my friends, I am sending you so, so much love. Continue to practice that self love for yourself, and I am cheering you on always. Take care. Thank you so much for tuning into the Rockstar Mom Podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, here's how we can keep this momentum going. First, be sure to subscribe to the show so you never miss an episode. Next, I'd be so grateful if you took a moment to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. Your feedback helps us reach even more women who are ready to live more intentional, fun-filled lives. Lastly, please share your insights on social media and be sure to tag me at Megan Caldwell PDX so we can connect and inspire other rock stars to live their best lives too. Again, I am so glad that you are here, and I'll see you next time.