You Don't Have an Anger Problem. You Have This Problem.

Why do loving, dedicated parents sometimes end up yelling at the people they love most?

In this episode of Real Life with RDU Therapy, therapist Sara Hudson turns the tables and interviews psychologist, speaker, and author Dr. Melanie McCabe. Together, they unpack why so many good parents lose their patience, what is actually happening in those heated moments, and the simple shifts that can help families move from constant conflict to stronger connection.

You'll learn:

• Why yelling is often a symptom, not the root problem.
• What is happening in your brain when emotions take over.
• The biggest parenting mistake Dr. Mel wishes families would stop making.
• Practical strategies you can start using today to create a calmer home.
• Why you're not failing, even if parenting feels incredibly hard right now.

Whether you're raising a child with big emotions, navigating daily power struggles, or simply trying to become the parent you want to be, this episode will leave you feeling understood, encouraged, and equipped with practical tools you can actually use.

Learn more about RDU Therapy's therapists, parenting resources, and services at RDUTherapy.com.

Follow us for more parenting tips:
Instagram: @RDUTherapy
Instagram: @DrMelanieMcCabe

Get a FREE sample chapter of Dr. Melanie McCabe's upcoming book Not Broken here:
dr-melanie-mccabe.kit.com/chapter1-2026

If this episode helped you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with another parent. Your support helps us reach more families and continue bringing practical, evidence based parenting advice to parents everywhere.

9/30/25

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:54

Welcome back to real life with RDU Therapy. I'm Sarah Hudson, therapist here at RDU Therapy, and today I get the fun job of interviewing our founder, Dr. Melanie McCabe. If you follow Dr. Mel for any amount of time, you know she's passionate about helping families move from surviving to actually enjoying each other again. She's a psychologist, speaker, author of Not Broken, and someone who has spent years helping children with big emotions and the parents who love them. Today, we're talking about something almost every parent has experienced at some point. Why do good parents end up yelling? More importantly, what can we do differently? Dr. Mel, thanks for letting me turn the tables on you today. My hands are starting to sweat.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

It's so much more comfortable being the one to ask questions, right? You and I do the same thing in our office. We get to ask all the questions. Now I'm in the hot seat. Thanks for having me, Sarah. Welcome.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

All right. So for someone who's never met you before, tell us a little. Sarah, tell us about you. Oh, okay. Sure. So I'm a therapist here at RDU Therapy. I work with teenagers and adults working with managing anxiety, healing from trauma, learning skills about how to live the life that they want to lead. So I work right alongside Dr. Mo.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Hey. And so I'm so lucky that I do. I'm so lucky to get to work with you.

SPEAKER_03 2:22

I feel the same way. It's pretty awesome. Hey. Yay.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

All right, I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?

SPEAKER_03 2:29

It's all good. All right. So for someone who's never met you before, tell us a little about yourself and what led you into this work.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

I grew up in a family of immigrants. And so I'm first generation American. And there is a huge culture clash if you move from another country here to the States and lots of stressors for parents. And I have parents that mean so, so well, and also hit some speed bumps in that process that I think impacted us as kids while we were also just trying to do the best we could, right? And so there were some early life experiences that uh made me want to get into this career. And I did not know that at the time. And in hindsight, like there is no mystery how I ended up in this field. So that is the real answer underneath the surface. I think the surface answer is that I actually thought I was gonna go be a medical doctor. And I ended up taking on a couple of different jobs along the way when I went to college. And I missed talking to people. And so I have a very vivid memory of calling my dad and saying, listen, I'm not going to med school. And then ensued about a year and a half of him trying to convince me to keep on going to med school, and it just never happened. So we definitely had some conflict around all of that. And yeah, ended up going into psychology instead. And I'm so glad I haven't looked back since. Awesome.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

Yeah. And you've been doing some really awesome things that we're going to talk about in a minute.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

But most of which, y'all, most of which I like accidentally fell into. So I want to bust anybody's thoughts that like there was any method method behind the madness. No, like this was just a series of life unfolding itself and me having to be in the right place in the right time and meeting some really cool people along the way.

SPEAKER_03 4:24

Awesome. Yeah. And so you also have a personal connection to parenting, right? Like, how do you feel like that's shaped you in the way that you work with families?

SPEAKER_02 4:33

Pure desperation. So I have 12-year-old twins and thought I was so ready to be a parent. And then reality showed up and definitely told me that I was wrong. I was so wrong. I had no idea what I was doing. And so I went on this mission of learning all of the parenting skills.

unknown 4:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:55

And I've used them every day, including right before this podcast.

SPEAKER_03 4:59

Wow. That's awesome. And I'm sure a lot of people out there can relate to that. I know I can. I'm a parent as well. Also thought I was prepared and then realized, well, nope, I don't got it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:11

Yeah. Parenting is like being thrown on a ninja course with no end in sight and not sure what the next obstacle is going to be.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

And it might be that you have to navigate three of them at the same time. Absolutely. You definitely need some skills and some training, and there's not a lot out there. You don't have a baby and then also get your you know manual along with it.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

You sure don't. I remember calling my mom asking her where the manual was, right? Like, where is this PDF? Where do I download this? I had to watch a two-hour video and not shaking my twins before I could take them home from the video. There was no script for how to handle a tantrum.

SPEAKER_03 5:42

Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. So what you're doing is really needed out there. I have a belief about that. So that's awesome. You spend your days working with parents who truly love their kids. Yes, so many of them tell you they feel like they're failing. Why do so many really good parents end up feeling that way?

SPEAKER_02 6:01

I think it's what we just talked about, right? There is no handbook. And I have yet to meet a parent that I'm like, wow, this person does not love their kids. Every single parent that I've ever met loves their kids so deeply, they don't always like them. And that's normal if you're listening. It is normal not to know if you like your kid. Because they go through phases and we go through phases and it's tough, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 6:26

Yeah. So I think the failure comes from trying so hard and not knowing what to do. And we also judge whether we should or not. We judge our success as parents based off how happy our kids are. Yes. And kids are inevitably gonna be unhappy at times. And when they are, it's so easy to feel like crap. They're not feeling happy because of something I've done, or I'm failing them and I'm failing as a parent.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

And that's not not the case. So a lot of parents believe yelling means they're a bad parent. Is that actually the prop?

SPEAKER_02 7:05

That is such a double-edged sword question. Because no, we don't want you yelling at your kid every single day. And if you're choosing to yell and you're really letting it fly, you probably got to look in the mirror and say, what I'm doing is not helping the cause. And is it a form of you retaliating against your kid? And we certainly don't want to see you feeling like you're allowed to do that, because that teaches kids all kinds of bad messages. And no, like we're human, we're gonna have emotion and it's gonna come out. And so for me, it's more of a, you know, how often is it happening? How big is it happening? What the heck are you saying when you're yelling? Right, it's a spectrum. Yeah, if you just like have the ah, that's not necessarily yelling at your child, it's not the same as name calling or being really demeaning. And I think we can all get to that point, right? Like we've yeah, I tell people all the time, like you catch me in target on a bad day, you might see me doing some really unskillful things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

And so it sounds like the problem is not so much the act of yelling, but what we're saying when we're yelling or you know, saying things to our kids and what might be coming out, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:15

And what we do after.

SPEAKER_03 8:17

Great, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Like sometimes we're gonna screw up in this life, and our kids are gonna screw up too. And I want them to see us know how to own it and bounce back and make what we call a repair, right? It's when you turn around and you say sorry to somebody and you really mean it because they're gonna need that life skill too.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

Absolutely. Yeah. So that's so mirroring, like how to recover from something when you yeah, that's great.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Absolutely. How do you make it right after you screw up? Because we're gonna screw up.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

And what's actually happening, you know, when we do have those times in Target where we're yelling at our kids or we're kind of use losing our patience. What's happening in our brains?

SPEAKER_02 8:57

Generally, when somebody loses their cool and they start yelling, they hit what we would call a skills breakdown. The situation is more stressful than they have skills to manage through. That means like your breathing skills or your patience, all of that is not lining up to that situation. And then you don't know what else to do. So words fall out. And you try to regain control of that situation by getting louder and getting bigger. And often that's the last thing the situation needs. That's great. There's also this part of your brain. This is where I'm guilty, y'all. This if I'm running five minutes late, you're gonna see me have closer to a skills breakdown than other times. We have this part of our brain that sets expectations. And when reality does not hit that expectation, we experience an emotion. So that expectation could be how quickly something gets done, if something gets done or not, how it gets done. When there's a mismatch in there, that's really hitting some nerves for us, at least for me.

SPEAKER_03 9:57

Yeah. And so it sounds like some of what you do with the parents is working on getting those two matched up, like the expectation piece and also the skills.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Yes, absolutely. And also seeing that the kid is doing the best that they can given where they are. Because some of these kiddos have structural changes in their brains because maybe they have a diagnosis like ADHD, or they're twice exceptional, meaning they're like the really bright kiddos in the world. And that makes you more susceptible to these big emotions.

SPEAKER_03 10:30

Yeah. So, what's one mistake that you wish parents would stop making?

SPEAKER_02 10:37

Maybe to make themselves. Ah, okay. Blaming themselves, right? Like, I think we've all been there where it's like three o'clock in the morning, we're up late, and we're like, oh crap. If only I would have done this differently. Or why did I say that? Or maybe I should have gone to the pediatrician earlier. All of that does is make you lose more sleep and carry that around the next day.

unknown 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:01

And then we're closer to our skills breakdown. We're more stressed.

SPEAKER_03 11:04

So parents put a lot of pressure on themselves.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Every single parent I've met, yes. Have you met parents that are like, ah, fuck it, it's good enough.

SPEAKER_03 11:12

Not no, not really.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

Right? Like by and large, parents want to do well by their kids.

SPEAKER_03 11:18

Absolutely. Yeah. So if somebody out there is listening now and they're thinking, that sounds exactly like me, what's the very first thing you tell them to do?

SPEAKER_02 11:27

Breathe. Look in the mirror, take a breath, and call a realistic friend who's gonna say, You think you did that bad? Listen to what I just did. Because we're not alone in this. And it's important to remember that we're all doing the best we can and we mess up sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

That doesn't give us permission to keep on doing it. And yeah, and get the skills you need, right? Like you learned how to parent from your parents candidly. Were they flawless parents?

SPEAKER_03 11:58

Nope. I didn't have flawless parents.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

I certainly didn't have flawless parents, and I certainly hope my kids don't turn around and think that I'm flawless either. Right. Because I'm sure there are things that I am doing that they can fine-tune in the next generation. And I hope they do if they decide to have kids.

SPEAKER_03 12:10

Yeah. So it's always sounds like it's about growth and progress, maybe from one generation to the next. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

And parenting, when we were growing up, you're roughly my age. When we were growing up, parenting was still a budding science. People weren't really diving into what makes an effective parent. Like we've just recently started looking at the styles of parenting to know what works or not. Are you familiar with oh gosh, gentle parenting? This notion that, like, hands off, do a lot of coddling, and like the kids will sort it out. We find out like now that actually that's not the most effective approach for a lot of kids. We're seeing more anxiety out of those kiddos and we're out of those kids. And we're also seeing more difficulty with our own emotional regulation and their ability to tolerate tough stuff.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

So we now know that it's more of a coaching-based thing. And if your parents didn't coach you when you were a kid, how would you know how to do it?

SPEAKER_03 13:11

Great question. Yeah, so there's a lot to be learned, it sounds like. And you've worked with families for a long time. So, what's the one thing that consistently surprises you about kids?

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Their resilience, their ability to bounce back. I would have, I think, been really careful about my conversations with kids. One thing that really surprises me is that kids really don't like the BS. At least the kiddos that I work with, they know what they struggle with and they're used to people tiptoeing around it, trying not to set them off. And kids really just value having direct conversation that isn't shaming and it links to their goals.

SPEAKER_03 13:56

So treating them like people, kids, of course, but kind of acknowledging what they're experiencing and how they can work around that or with it, have goals that they can achieve.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Absolutely. One thing that also surprises me, and maybe the parents more, I make it a habit to ask kids when I meet them the very first time, what do you hope to get out of our work together? And they say, I want to spend more time with my parents. And so I think a lot of parents think that their kid, by the time they get to our offices, that there's a this disturbance in their relationship where the kid might not even want to be with them anymore. Yeah. At least some of the kiddos with the really big behaviors, and the kid ultimately, even like 17, 22, it doesn't matter the age of the kid, wants more quality time with their parent. I think that is so sweet.

SPEAKER_03 14:47

Absolutely. Yeah, our kids want to be with us. They want to like hang out with their parents even when they maybe are acting like they don't. Yeah. Right, 100%. Yeah. And what about parents? What's something you think parents don't give themselves enough credit for?

SPEAKER_02 15:31

Something that I hear early on in my work is I feel like nothing we did mattered up until now. Yeah. And so there's a lot of grief and there's a lot of sadness around that.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

And they judge themselves for that. A conversation I have a lot is. Dude, you don't know that. Like all of those things helped get you here.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

And you put in hard work for years. That's really impressive. Really, really impressive. Like, be proud of the dedication. Be proud of your ability to put one foot in front of the other and keep on showing up for your kid.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Because that is a lot of love invested there.

unknown 16:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

And your kids will see that. They might not like it right now and they might not like it along the way. And if that's what they needed, that's what they needed. And you're just doing the best you can.

SPEAKER_03 16:26

That's so validating. So we're gonna switch a little bit and talk about advice. And I know social media is full of it, right? Full of parenting advice and there's all kinds of stuff out there.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

Did you know that something like 72% of parents go to social media for advice?

SPEAKER_03 16:44

I feel like I heard that, and I'm also not surprised. Oh my gosh. No, I mean, when are we supposed to get together with our friends?

SPEAKER_02 16:49

And you know, yeah. And who's got access to a parenting coach or parenting expert?

SPEAKER_03 16:54

Exactly. Yeah, just put a little question out there in the world, and then you've got all this stuff at you. Yeah. So what out of all the stuff that's out there, what is a trend or a piece of advice that makes you kind of cringe in terms of parenting?

SPEAKER_02 17:11

There's a lot of advice out there, and this isn't necessarily advice, but one of the things that drives me nuts is the thought that a gadget will fix your parent your parenting problems. Just buy this calendar, just get this credit card, just get this thing. That drives me nuts because there is no tangible item you can buy that's going to be a substitute for learning how to interact with your kid.

SPEAKER_03 17:39

Yeah. Yeah. Is there a place where parents can go that's maybe more validated parenting advice? If they are, you know, on social media, there are certain things that you feel like maybe would be helpful and not a gadget.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

I am on social media, partially to water down the noise because I think there is so much out there that is just bananas. I fell down a bunny hole and I started looking for parenting gurus when I first got on social media to do this. And I was floored by how many people I found who have zero training in parenting. Now, listen, my grandmama had some great suggestions for parenting that worked with her one kid, right? But like experts who have read the research based off of hundreds of thousands of children. Yes. Like, make sure you're finding a person who knows what the heck they're talking about. So you can definitely look me up if you would like. There are other great credible folks out there. I'm a fan of things like the Mayo Clinic and other evidence-based places. So you're not going to hear me say, like, follow so-and-so, because they might not be providing evidence-based information. And the credible sources are there. Go find them, go hunt them before you decide to put these things to work because it can blow up in your face if you are not doing that. I have people come in my office, I'd say a couple times a year, or more often, they're like, Well, I saw this thing on social media, so I tried to do it. And I was like, I'm guessing that didn't end up well. And I hear a tough story about how it did not go well. So, you know, whether that's a kid having an outburst or making bad, you know, problem behaviors, even worse. Yeah. And we work with the kids who have dangerous behaviors, right, Sarah? Like you and I are not working. We do see kids with anxiety, but we also see the kiddos who are engaging in like cutting behavior or are thinking about ending their lives. So this matters. Be wise about where you get your information.

SPEAKER_03 19:39

Yeah. Yeah. And some of this stuff is literally like life and death.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Literally. Absolutely. Yeah. So if you hear us on a soapbox as the listener, just know it's because we've seen this go really, really poorly. And we don't want anybody else ending up there.

SPEAKER_03 19:55

So if we're not going to buy the gadgets, we're not going to do those things as parents, what's one thing that we should do more often that costs nothing?

SPEAKER_04 20:10

Oh, this is a tough question.

SPEAKER_02 20:13

This one costs something. So I don't want to sugarcoat that. I have a few things here. So the first one, get your kid checked out by their pediatrician. Okay. Make sure their blood work is up to date. You'd be floored by how many kids have what looks like an emotional or behavioral problem. That's really like a vitamin deficiency or a thyroid issue or a hormone imbalance, or maybe they have a toothache, legit. I can tell you about a kiddo that I knew years ago who would throw things, heavy things, at their teachers. It was not in the therapy setting. So I can tell this story. They would literally go outside, and this was not a small person, and push an adult over who was not allowed to put their hands on a kid. And so, or you know, could try to protect themselves anyway. They would end up falling over and getting hurt because this person was a bigger size and just had a cavity. Behavior changed so much after they had their dental hygiene looked at.

SPEAKER_03 21:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Get your eyes checked, right? Like if you can't see the boards, it's gonna cause you stress. You might not do so well in school, get nervous about school. Like the small, small stuff, start there.

SPEAKER_03 21:21

Okay. So ruling out or addressing any medical physical things.

SPEAKER_02 21:25

100%. 100%. So that's that's in one category. The next thing is if your kid storms off, this one's free. If your kid storms off and they're not doing anything harmful, do not follow them. Okay. Yep. They have hit a point where they don't want to talk anymore. Yeah. And they get to have that, right? Like let them go to their room, let them go sit on the stairs, let them go sit in the other room. And when they come back, then have the conversation. Do not insist on having the conversation right then and there. Cause they might be doing something other than making the problem worse in that one moment. Right. Like they might know that they're about to throw something at you. They might know that they're gonna yell and say something that they're gonna regret.

SPEAKER_03 22:06

Yeah. So they may be regulating themselves, actually, naturally.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Okay. Awesome. 100%. 100%. The next one's free too. If your kid likes hugs and they're in a tough time, ask them if you can give them more hugs and always ask before the hug. It doesn't have to be a verbal question, but you know, like we can nonverbally communicate to a kid too. Like, is this a time? Yeah. Great.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

Those are some awesome, very helpful pointers.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:34

So thinking about like our culture and the way that our culture approaches parenting, if you could magically change one, you have a magic wand, you're gonna wave. You're gonna change one thing about the way that our culture approaches parenting. What would it be?

SPEAKER_02 22:50

I think we naturally the sign of the times is that we are. In a maximizing society. Do more. Sign your kid up for more. Make sure that they are the best athlete, musician, mathematician, reader, and debate club team member ever. While they're also doing, I don't know, volunteer work, right? Do less. Do so much less. Kids need unstructured time. Once upon a time, heard a story about or a way of describing that we all need the margins in our books. You know, like the words don't go all the way to the edge of the page in a book. We need the white space because that's where our brain digests the words. The downtime is where we go back and we think through the day. We think about our tough interactions and we can decide how we want to act moving forward. So many people end up in my office and say, my kid just like melts down at the end of the day. Yeah. Or like they sob at the end of the day. I'm like, all right, well, tell me about the rest of the day. Do they have any downtime in the middle of the day? Nope. And we don't want our kids doing all their heavy processing at the very, very end of the day because they're already exhausted. Their brains are tired, their bodies are tired, and their emotions are tired too. So we're more likely to see a higher level of sadness and worry at the end of the day than we would in the middle of the day.

SPEAKER_03 24:11

Yeah. So this is sort of similar, but like I know I have my kids sometimes, my older one will say, Oh, I'm bored. So it sounds kind of similar. Like, how do you respond if your kid's like, oh, you know, I'm bored, I don't have anything to do, you know, I need something to do. What's a way to, you know, help your kid kind of be comfortable with having downtime or feeling bored?

SPEAKER_02 24:31

Totally depends on the age. Yep. And what you've already talked to your kid about having as being available. So I really like the thought of having a zone or a bucket or something set up with that's your boredom space. If you're bored, all the options are in that bucket.

SPEAKER_04 24:47

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

And so the first three times, day one, you're like, hey, I know you're bored sometimes. Let's go make a bucket full of things you can do. The next three times, did you check your bucket? And the after that, it's I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you sort something out.

SPEAKER_03 25:02

Love you. Yeah. Boredom can be really that's where creativity happens. You know, I've seen I've heard that and I've seen, you know, sort of all of a sudden they're playing a game and they're going outside and they're discovering something else. So absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

I can't tell you how many made-up games I played as a kid because we were bored. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 25:23

Yeah. All right. So before we wrap up, if every parent listening could remember just one sentence from today's conversation. What would you want that sentence to be?

SPEAKER_02 25:42

Skills matter. Yep, skills matter. If you don't have the skills, you can't use them. So you gotta learn them somewhere. Learn the skills and use them.

SPEAKER_03 25:53

Awesome. So we're gonna do a couple of little like fun rapid fire questions. Alright, I'm ready. I'm here for it. Okay. Coffee or tea.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

Macha tea. Well I'm drinking coffee. Macha tea. Beat your mountains. Mountains hiking all the way. All the way.

SPEAKER_03 26:16

Yes. Okay. Morning person or night owl?

SPEAKER_02 26:20

Morning person. I hit the ground running. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

SPEAKER_03 26:25

Alright. Favorite way to recharge.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

Alone watching a TV show uninterrupted. That's such a luxury item right now.

unknown 26:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:38

When's the last time you sat on the couch for an hour and nobody asked you anything? I don't know. This is why moms like to get a hotel room for Mother's Day, right?

SPEAKER_03 26:48

Absolutely. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 26:49

I've never done that, by the way. I've never done that. I did it for finals in my PhD.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Was it finals?

SPEAKER_02 26:56

No, I think I was studying for something for a continuing education thing or something. Yeah, a training. But I got a hotel for two nights. It was glorious. I didn't know what to do with myself.

SPEAKER_03 27:05

Yeah, I wouldn't know what to do there. One parenting myth you wished would disappear forever.

SPEAKER_02 27:13

If they're not crying, you didn't punish hard enough. Oh we want kids to accept our punishment if we have to give one.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

And we want it to meet the match the crime and learning to happen over time. I think a lot of parents think that like kids should learn the because they've said it, the kids should learn the lesson the first time.

SPEAKER_03 27:34

Okay. Yeah. So how about how long does it take? Like what's a totally depends on the kid.

SPEAKER_02 27:38

Totally depends on the developmental age. Totally depends on if it's a behavior they're doing when they're cool and calm and collected, or if they are like totally emotional of an emotional level 10 out of 10. Okay. Also, do they want to do the thing you've taught them? Parents who speed, I'm looking at you. You know the law. Do you want to follow the speed limit? It's choice.

SPEAKER_03 28:03

Okay. One word you hope parents leave today's episode feeling.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

Hopefully.

SPEAKER_03 28:12

Where might people be able to go to get some support from you from RDU therapy in general?

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Ooh, check out our Instagram, check out our website, listen to the other podcasts. And if you feel like you still want to learn more, we have blogs on our website written by us and also and some other guest authors. And we also do offer therapy. So if anybody feels like, hey, you know, this Sarah lady, she seems real cool. Let's hang out with her. I hope they check it out.

SPEAKER_03 28:40

Okay. Anything else that you want to tell to the parents out there who might be listening? Anything you feel like, you know, you want to expand on from the previous questions or, you know, things that you want to share.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

It is not your fault you don't know how to parent your kid. It is not your fault. It is not a flaw in you if you don't know how the heck to help your kid when their emotions get big or to navigate a situation if nobody taught you how. And most of the kids that Sarah and I work with are the kids who have really big feelings. They go from cool as a cucumber to all emotions blaring all at once. In a split second, you do not learn how to manage that and to respond to that as a parent anywhere unless somebody's explicitly taught you. And that is not a flaw.

SPEAKER_03 29:39

Yeah. That's so validating and very hopeful. And it sounds like what I'm hearing you say is that you know, parents are not responsible for the ways that they have learned to parent, but they are maybe able to learn how to parent better.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

They are definitely learning learning. Yeah, they can definitely learn. These are skills that can be taught. There's literally curriculum out there that you and I can teach parents. And so for sure, this is a thing you can learn. Also, if you get pulled into that like emotional hurricane of your child, that's normal. Emotions are designed to suck you in. Our society needs us to have that because it's linked to our survival from way back when.

SPEAKER_03 30:31

So, how can we as parents manage ourselves? What skills are out there for us, you know, for like, oh, I really need to like get some skills to manage my own self, you know, and then maybe my kid will learn from that.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

Yeah, that's a complicated question because it's so different from parent to parent. You know, like what gets one parent yelling might not be the same thing that causes somebody else to yell. The first thing is like, do you notice the urge to yell? Are you willing to do something different? Do you know what to do instead of yelling?

unknown 31:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

And do you know what you're trying to accomplish with yelling? And can you do it in a different way? If you don't know how to accomplish what you're trying to do without yelling, there's a reason you're going to keep on yelling. It's because it works. It's harmful and it works. You're going to keep on going to that skill. It's like if you only have a hammer in your toolkit and you're trying to open a window and you keep on knocking out the glass, like that window's still open. That window is still open, even if you didn't get it open the way you wanted to open it. Yeah, you might need a key to unlock the window so you can get through it.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

So there are tools out there that can help us to be more effective parents.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

100%. And if you're a data dork like me, you're going to get into the research and you're going to figure out that most or a lot of the therapeutic interventions now for kids are really about teaching parents. So it that's the time, it's signs of the times changing, right? Long gone are the days of a therapist saying, Yes, I'll hold on to your kid, and yes, they are the problem. And no, you don't need to work on anything. We know it's the whole family unit.

SPEAKER_03 32:02

Right. So I'm gonna switch gears a little bit. Yeah, go ahead. I know that you've been writing a book.

SPEAKER_02 32:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 32:10

Slightly finished. Yes. Would you be interested in sharing a little bit about what you've been writing?

SPEAKER_02 32:16

Yes, about all of the things we've been talking about. So, parents, it is not your fault if you don't know what to do. I share some personal experiences with me and my twins from way back when, and even more recent, about where I got it all wrong. Like, right? Like I knew what to do and I still did it wrong. Or I didn't know. And so it talks about that journey a little bit. Mostly it is a how-to. That PDF that I was looking for for my mama when I first had my twins. This is it. This is the explicitly, here is what you do when and why. And here's how you teach your kid to. So it really hopefully will be useful to people who don't have the time to be in the therapy office as a let's try this before we go to therapy.

SPEAKER_03 33:05

That sounds like such a valuable resource. I hope it will be.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

I really, really hope it will be.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

Yeah, it'll be on Amazon here soon. So I'll go looking for it. Or email me if you want the first chapter. I'm happy to send it to you for free. Awesome. That's great. I was looking at the ebook of it earlier today, it blows my mind. Like I single-tier moment of seeing it.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

Like when I open it, it's like, oh my gosh, it looks like a real book.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

I've just seen it right typed up in my Word documents. Yeah. Wow. What an accomplishment. I can't wait to read it. It's still bananas to say it out loud. Like, I still can't believe it. Like, holy smokes.

SPEAKER_03 33:41

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Awesome. All right. Well, Dr. Mo, thank you so much for sharing everything, your wisdom and your experience with all of us. I know so many parents out there are going to walk away feeling encouraged and a little bit less alone, validated and supportive. If today's conversation resonated with you, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with another parent who could use it. If you'd like to learn more about Dr. Mel or her book that we just spoke about, it's called Not Broken, their speaking events, or if you want to learn about any of the therapists here at RDU Therapy, you can find everything in the show notes. Thanks so much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Thanks so much, Sarah.