EP 30 | We Don’t Understand Ourselves Anymore

People keep saying communication is broken. 

But maybe the real problem is that people are disconnected from themselves first.

This episode of Rebuilt Different breaks down self-alienation, performative identity, validation culture, and why so many people struggle to show up authentically in relationships and everyday life.

Because when you lose touch with yourself, you stop connecting and start performing.

Transcript

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Everybody keeps saying that communication is off right now. That people don't understand each other anymore. That connection feels harder. That things are just disconnected. And honestly, I don't disagree. There is a communication problem. But I don't think that's really where it starts. I think the real issue is a lot of people don't understand themselves. And if you're not clear on who you are, you can't expect anybody else to read you clearly either. Let's get into it. And today we're getting into what's actually underneath this disconnect. Because it's not just about how people communicate, it's how they show up in the first place. There's a concept in psychology called self-alienation where you're disconnected from your own thoughts, your own emotions, and your own needs. So instead of showing up as yourself, you show up as what's expected, what's rewarded, what gets attention. And when that becomes normal, you're no longer interacting as you. You're interacting as a version that you've learned to perform. We see this in adulthood, obviously, but we also see this in childhood too. And you see this really clearly with child celebrities. People who grow up being told what to do, who to be, how to act, how to show up, how to perform. Before they even have a chance to figure out who they are on their own. So their identity actually becomes what's expected, what's marketable, and what people respond to. Not what's real. And then people look at them later and say, why are they spiraling? Why are they all over the place? But it's not random. It's what happens when you've spent your entire life being shaped by external expectations without ever forming a stable internal sense of self. And of course, most people are not child celebrities, but a lot of people are living a lighter version of that same dynamic. And sometimes it starts way earlier than people actually realize. With things like helicopter parenting, where everything is monitored, decided, or approved. Which I've experienced firsthand. Because when your environment is built around always asking for permission, you don't just learn to be careful, you learn to doubt yourself. You learn to second guess your instincts, look to someone else before you decide. You might feel uncomfortable moving forward without someone else's approval. And over time, you start outsourcing your decision making. Not because you can't think for yourself, but because you were never really given the space to trust your own thinking. And I know that some of you just might have gotten a little spark of like spark of realization when I just said that, because yeah. Probably sounds familiar to a lot of people. I've also seen this personally in another way. Working with influencers, and I've worked with a lot of them. You'll have people walk into a room, not say hi to anybody, not acknowledge anybody, straight to their phone. Filming, hosting, performing, like the room doesn't even exist. And at first it looks like that's rude. Because it is, and maybe I grew up a little bit old school, but like when I walk into a room, I greet people. I don't know, just me. But back to what I was saying, it's actually deeper than that. That person, they're not acting as a person in that moment. They're acting as a brand. Because when your identity is tied to engagement, attention, perception, likes, you stop prioritizing your presence and you prioritize how you're being seen. So whether it's growing up in that kind of environment, being shaped by attention, or constantly adapting to what gets validated, the outcome is similar. You end up disconnected from yourself. And if you're disconnected from yourself, how can you show up clearly for anyone else? And then let's add constant stimulation on top of that. Always on your phone, always consuming. It numbs you. Not dramatically, but in a way where you're just not fully present. And if you're not present, then you might not be picking up on energy, social cues, or how you're affecting other people. And of course, all of this is reinforced by the culture that we're living in right now. Where being seen matters more than being real, where attention feels like connection. So a lot of people have learned to optimize for reaction instead of truth. And that's why a lot of these interactions feel off. Because they're not grounded in reality, they're grounded in perception. I've also had to check myself on this too, because it's really easy to get caught up in how something lands, how something looks, how something is received. Of course, you know, case in point, I'm doing this podcast. Of course, I want it to be well received, but there's a difference between being aware of perception and being driven by it. And once you notice that shift, you realize how easy it is to lose yourself in it. So what I've learned in my old years, presence is a skill. Self-awareness is responsibility. And if you don't take the time to understand how you think, how you feel, how you personally operate, you are going to keep showing up in ways that don't reflect the real you. And your relationships will reflect that too. So when you look at all of this, the performance, the distraction, the projections, it makes sense why things feel off. Because people aren't really interacting from a clear place. We don't just have a communication problem. We have a self-awareness problem. And if you're performing more than you're present, you're not being misunderstood. You're just not being seen. Okay, guys, that's been another episode of Rebuild Different. Thanks again for watching. If this resonated with you, send it to someone who might need it. Or sit with it yourself. Because the more clearly we understand ourselves, and that's what I'm trying to help you guys with, the more clearly you'll actually be able to show up in every room that you walk into. I'll see you guys next week.