EP 36 | Stop Negotiating With Yourself

Sometimes the hardest person to stop negotiating with... is yourself.

In this episode of Rebuilt Different, I explore why we ignore our intuition, mistake inconsistency for hope, and convince ourselves to stay in places we've already outgrown.

We talk about intermittent reinforcement, boundaries, self-trust, and why your life begins to change the moment you stop negotiating with what you already know.

If you've ever ignored your gut, settled for potential, or waited for someone—or something—to become who you hoped it would be, this episode is for you.

🎙️ Watch the full episode and let me know what resonated most.

Transcript

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I think one of the easiest ways to lose yourself isn't through one big decision. It's through a thousand tiny negotiations with yourself. Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I'll be happier after the next promotion. Maybe they'll change. Little by little, you start talking yourself out of what you already know. And eventually you stop asking, is this right for me? And start asking, how do I make this fit? And I think that's one of the most dangerous questions that we can ask ourselves. Because it sounds like compromise, but sometimes it's self-abandonment. I think most of us know a lot sooner than we would like to admit when something doesn't feel right. We just spend a lot of time hoping reality changes before we have to. Let's get into it. Welcome back to Rebuilt Different. I'm Pivony Page, and I've been watching Love Island lately. And every episode I am yelling at my TV, like, girl, stand up! He embarrassed you. He kissed someone else. He brought that bitch back from Casa. He literally told you he likes someone else. At what point is enough enough? But hindsight is undefeated. It's so much easier to watch someone else's life and think the answer is obvious. It's a lot harder when you're the one who's living it. And that's when it kind of hit me. This isn't really a dating problem. This is a human problem. Because if we're being honest with each other, most of us have had at least one situation where we stayed longer than we should have. Or where we gave one more chance or excuse. Maybe it wasn't on reality TV, but somewhere in our lives we have all negotiated with ourselves. I started thinking about all the times that I've done this in my own life. Not just in relationships, but in jobs, in friendships, and opportunities, even in dreams that I had outgrown. And I noticed the same pattern every single time. The hardest conversations usually weren't with someone else. They were with me. Because I wasn't trying to convince the other person. I was trying to convince myself. And that's what negotiation looks like. It's the conversation that you have when your intuition has already spoken. The part of you that says, I know, immediately followed by, yeah, but. Sound familiar? And that's the moment that hope starts arguing with what you already know. Over the years, I think my intuition has rarely been wrong, but my negotiations with it have been. Because every time I look back on a situation that I stayed in way too long, there was always almost a moment where I already knew. I just didn't want the answer to be true. And that's why I think this is so hard because hope has terrible, terrible timing. Usually shows up right when reality has already given you the answer. Part of this is called intermittent reinforcement. It's one of the strongest reward systems that we know. Someone's consistently kind, your nervous system relaxes. If they're constantly awful, eventually you leave. But inconsistency, that's where people get stuck. They're amazing, then they're distant, then they're present, then unavailable, then they disappear, then come back just long enough to make you question everything. And your brain starts thinking, maybe this time. Again, intermittent reinforcement. It's the same reason why slot machines are so addictive. You don't know when the reward is coming, so you keep pulling the lever. I don't think that most people are addicted to bad relationships. I think a lot of us are addicted to possibility, holding on to what or who this situation or person could become. I know we've talked about this before. Instead of accepting what we're actually seeing in front of us. I think this lesson applies to so much more than dating. One of the hardest things that I've had to accept is that you cannot expect you from anyone else. We assume that people think the way that we do, that they have the same internal conversations that we have, that they'll eventually say, hey, stop, you're giving too much. Whether that's a relationship, a friendship, a job, or even your family. But then I had a realization, why would they? If your boss knows that you will answer emails at 10 o'clock at night, why would they tell you to stop? If your friend knows that you're always the one to make plans, why would they suddenly start? If you are always available to someone you are casually dating, why would they ask for less access? And this isn't about assuming the worst of people. Some people will absolutely protect you. Some people will notice that you're overextending yourself and tell you to slow down. But not everybody. Some people are perfectly comfortable accepting whatever you are willing to give. Now, when something doesn't feel right, I ask myself one question. Am I negotiating with myself? Because I've realized that's usually where, or about where I lose clarity. Not when I don't know, when I keep trying to talk myself out of what I already do know. If I said creativity mattered, am I negotiating? If I say peace and honesty matter to me, am I negotiating? If I said consistency and communication mattered, am I negotiating? Wrong doesn't always mean something bad. Sometimes it just means it's not aligned with who you are. And I think we forget that. Because compatibility is not just about dating. It's about life. A job can be a bad fit without being a bad job. A friendship can be a bad fit without someone being a bad person. Not because they're wrong, but because they're wrong for you. And that's okay. I think self-negotiation is one of those things that happens so quietly that you don't even realize that it's changing you. Because you tell yourself, it's fine. I can live with it. It's not that big of a deal. Until it is. Until one day you look around and your life doesn't really feel like yours anymore. Because little by little you kept talking yourself out of yourself. And again, the ironic part is looking back on my own life, I have always, I've almost always known. My intuition has rarely been wrong. My negotiations all fucked up. So maybe next time, if you find yourself trying to convince yourself of something or you're trying to fit a circle into a square, maybe pause and ask, what am I trying so hard to make fit? And then ask that question that changed everything for me. Am I negotiating with myself? Or am I honoring myself? Because I don't think life is asking us to become someone else. I think it's asking us to become more of ourselves. The more we negotiate away the parts of us that matter, the harder it becomes to hear the person that we're trying to become in the first place. Alright, guys, that's been another episode of Rebuilt Different. Thanks so much for watching. If you know someone who needs this conversation, please send it to them. And if you needed this conversation, I'm glad you were here. I'll see you guys next week.