Back from my break :)

Helloooo and welcome back :) I'm so excited to be recording episodes again. In this episode I talk about what has been going on in my life the past couple of months and 5 things that the Lord has taught me during that time. I missed you guys <3

(00:00) Little life update

(04:06) Faith is not a feeling

(05:20) God works through our imperfections 

(10:54) Approaching scripture differently

(12:39) Everything that God does is out of love

(17:26) My experience with the Rosary

(25:51) Thinking ahead and closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Okay. Test. Hello, everybody. Long time no see. I'm actually really excited to be back. Oh, here come the girls. I don't know if they'll come up, but oh yeah, it's really good to be back. I honestly really miss this a lot and have been thinking about it a lot the past few weeks. Um, but yeah. Yeah, I'm just glad to be back. So wanted to give you guys just kind of a little update on what's been going on. Um gosh, how long has it been? Like two months? Yeah. Because it's like mid-April now. And I stopped like mid-February. So yeah, it's been about two months. Um, so yeah. Honestly, okay, so if you guys, if you guys remember, I told you that I was like, oh yeah, during this break, I'm going to upload, you know, just the audio only of all my other episodes to YouTube, blah blah blah blah blah. If you watch on YouTube, you'll see that that did not happen. Um, that was my plan, and the Lord had other plans um during that two-month period. Um, so one of those being, I'm not gonna get into like super details about it yet, just because it's kind of a work, it's well not kind of, it still is a work in progress. Um, but I'm gonna be starting my own business. Um as you guys kind of know, that was not the plan moving out here at all. Um, yeah, I mean, I told you guys like I was applying to jobs that I thought I really wanted. I ended up getting an interview with one of those jobs. I can't remember if that was going on, I don't know, when I was recorded my last episode. But anyways, I had a job interview that just like did not go good. And just with everything, with like grief and burnout, and really thinking about like, okay, what do I want in you know, in a job now? And the biggest things were like work-life balance and flexibility, and um yeah, running my own business kind of gives me that because I can make my own schedule, pick pick like how many clients I want to take on, all that kind of stuff. So in the midst of getting that going right now, um, but yeah, which is like kind of crazy because I I mean, I don't know, my family and I when I was in school would talk about like, oh, maybe you could start your own business one day. But I don't know. I just always thought that would be something when I was like way later in my career, but yeah, the Lord, the Lord had other plans, but yeah, so for this episode, I just kind of want to talk about a few points um of well more than points, but a few things that I've learned that the Lord has taught me over these last two months. Um so yeah, I made a little, I just kind of like sat down and thought about it this morning and made a little list. Um, here, let me grab it. Of five things. So the first one is faith is not a feeling. Which I feel like, you know, when we hear that, we're like, well, yeah, faith is not a feeling. And that's something that like, yeah, I've known and that I've experienced, but especially like in a season of really having to trust the Lord, just with like I mean, I'm still unemployed, you know. Um just with so many unknowns and so many things up in the air, and a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of just uncomfortable feelings. And yeah, yeah, I've just really learned that what matters is just continue really matters is just continuing to go to the Lord in those times where even like you don't you might not feel like it, or you might not feel you know, those good feelings of peace and comfort that he gives us. Um but yeah, that's something I've really learned. I would say more like the last few weeks. Um I'll kind of come back to that point a little bit later. But the second one is that God works through our imperfections. So I think I told you guys, because it was the beginning of Lent, um, that I was giving up social media for Lent, which I did. Was I perfect at it? No. And there was like once or twice throughout Lent where I had like briefly gotten on to be like, not just to sit and scroll, but be like, oh, I I want to look this like brand up or like something like that. And um, anyways, yeah, so I like not done the best, but then I would try to go back and be like, okay, well, I'm not just like gonna give up, you know. Um, but come the last week of Lent, um, it was like, yeah, like a week or two right before Easter, I just like I don't know what happened, but I was like back on social media. But the thing was, even though I didn't do the fast like perfectly and to a T, I feel like this was the most changed I'd been from a fast. So usually, honestly, usually what I give up for Lent, or at least the past few years that I've actually participated in Lent has been social media. Actually, I think it was like social media my first year. No, TikTok my first year, social media the second year, and then this year was all social media again. And um yeah, but like whenever I did it before, I was better during better during the fast, but then I felt like I just kind of like binged when the when Lent was over, and I would just get right back on to social media and like nothing really changed, you know? And like the point of Lent isn't just to Hi Clem. The point of Lent isn't just to give up something and then to like go totally back to what we were doing before. Like the purpose of Lent is to grow closer with the Lord and hopefully like continue that, um, at least in some capacity or some extent, um, you know, after Lent. And I've noticed, even though like I didn't do my fast as well this year, that I have been more changed through it, which is interesting. Like, it almost feels like something happened in my brain where almost like a rewiring almost it feels like, of not like I'm not, yes, I've gotten back on social media, but I'm not feeling as like doom scrolly, if that makes sense. Like I can like look at Instagram, see what like people have posted, but then I'll notice in my brain, like, okay, now I'm just scrolling to scroll, and then I can stop. Or like, same on Facebook. Like, I'll like look at what you know my friends and stuff like that have posted. Hi, Clem. But um, yeah, and then I can notice when I it starts to become like you know what I mean, just like those random suggested posts. And I notice when I'm like, okay, that's all this is, this is, like, I'm gonna get off now. Like, I can just feel more self-control with it. And um, even with TikTok too, I have barely been on TikTok, honestly, um, out of all of them. Just because like I feel like TikTok's easier to fall into that like loop of doom scrolling, but I just feel like my brain isn't like craving that same, I guess like dopamine hit, you know what I mean? And I almost know that like TikTok is worse for me in that, and it's not even like I've been actively avoiding it, it's I just haven't really felt like going on it. Or if I do get on it, I can I'll like start watching some, and I'm just like this isn't like hitting the same like it used to. Um so I don't know, I'm just feeling kind of different about social media. I mean, granted, we're still pretty fresh after Lent. Um, so I hope this continues, but just like coming out of it and after a kind of imperfect um fast. Those are just some things I've noticed. And it's just like just a reminder of the Lord of like he's still working. I mean, we're imperfect human beings and we're going to be imperfect as long as we're on this earth, you know. Um, but it just shows that the Lord can still work through and will work through our imperfections. Um, so yeah. The third thing that I have learned over the past couple of months is how I approach scripture. So, and I'm still this is still a work in progress for sure. Um, but approaching scripture for like what it is and reading it and just digesting it and picking it apart and really trying to understand it rather than going at it from like a self-centered view of like, okay, what can I take from this? Well, yes, that's important. That's like all I was doing. What I would go to scriptures, like, okay, how can I apply this to my life? How can I apply this to my life? Just like take, take, take, which, like, it was just, I don't know, kind of my heart posture around it in a way. Like, like I'm saying, that's not a bad thing. Like, it's a good thing. We want to take what the Bible says and apply it to our life. But I wasn't just sitting and trying to just understand what it said and understand the stories and connections from old test the old testament to like New Testament and things like that. I was very much of just like, okay, I'm gonna take and apply, take and apply, take and apply. I wouldn't just sit and digest it and like soak in it, if that makes sense. Um, but yeah, that is still a work in progress, though, because I have for so long been like, okay, how can I apply this to my life? And yeah, it's definitely like I'm it's kind of like retraining my brain in a way with that. But yeah. Um my fourth thing that I have learned is everything that God does is out of love and his goodness, even if it doesn't always feel like it. And that's something I've really learned just in the season of uncertainty and things with the business. And when I talk to other people about it, they're like, oh my gosh, like you're moving really good with this and stuff like that. But then, you know, it's coming from someone who like doesn't have income right now and is living off my savings, and yeah, it's just it time kind of feels like it's moving slower, and it's just like, God, like, what are you doing? Like, come on, but even like and like I've said, these things are still work in progress. Like, I'm gonna be honest, like, the past up until like a two days ago, I was down really, really bad and really struggling. Um, just in my faith, I was feeling really far from God. I wasn't feeling connected to him. I knew he was there, but I my mind was just like literally just like all over the place. I couldn't get my mind to calm down. It was really like days of this. It was just like it was almost like it sounds kind of bad, but it's just also a mix of like my anxiety and stuff too. But like I would just I was overthinking everything with God then too, and I almost just had to like I knew he was still there, but I just had to step back from like that sounds really bad to say, but I had to step back for a couple days of just like really diving in with like intentional time with him, if that makes sense. That sounds really bad, but it's true. I just I don't know, usually I spend a lot of my time like journaling or like I'm gonna get into this later too, but I've also been like praying the rosary every night, and just like I don't know, I was just feeling a lot of anxiety every time I would like go to sit down with God. It was like my mind would just like not shut up. So it was like, okay, God, I acknowledge you're here, but it almost feels like just right now, like coming to you and trying to talk to you and trying to hear your voice. That was a big part of it, like trying to hear his voice like I normally do, which is causing me anxiety, and it didn't usually. And yeah, I just kind of had to like step back, um, and like it was okay, you know, and like I've slowly getting back into my routine with him. Um but yeah, and I've just always I've also learned that like everything he does is out of love for us. So like for example, like even though I'm like in the season, like, God, why are why are things moving so slow? Yada yada yada, I have realized like he is giving me this season. It's like a blessing in disguise because of just how exhausted I was in my last season with again the burnout and grief. I mean, I it was really, really, really bad. And um, yeah, like he's giving me an opportunity to just rest in him and trust in him and like heal essentially. Um, but yeah, or even like during Holy Week, I would have never had this opportunity before if I was working. Um, but I was able to like go to every daily mass every day that week um and just like really participate in Holy Week and like really spend that time with him. Um, which is funny that I was in a funk. That funk I was telling you about was like literally right after Easter, which kind of sucked, and just like the timing was blah, but um, anyways, so yeah, it was just like really good intentional, intimate time that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to have with the Lord if I wasn't in this season right now. But it just is showing that like even when we're in the moment and it might feel like it sucks, like when you're on the other side, you can have a clearer picture of what God was doing during that time. Um okay, and then my fifth point of what I have learned over the last two months is the power of the rosary, which I've kind of been surprised about. So I started this a little bit before Lent, and this kind of trickled into after Lent too, because I did a 54-day rosary novena. And it honestly, like what got my attention is I had saw it on TikTok, and I was like, what is this? And this girl was talking about like she was praying for this specific thing, and um I was like, dang, that just seems like it would be a really good thing for me to do to like build intimacy with the Lord, and um, you know, just a different way to spend time with him. And my intention during that rosary, it wasn't like for anything like super, super specific, but more just like an overall thing of was my intention. Um my overall intention was just to trust him more with my future, especially just like with what I'm going through right now, with like my career and work, but also even more long-term stuff, too. Um so the whole point of it was just really to learn to trust the Lord and be present with him. Um, and the rosary I've learned is like really an anchor um to being present in the moment and spending time with the Lord as you meditate on different aspects of Jesus' life. And yeah, it was it's literally been life-changing, which is like, I don't know, I just never thought I would really be like into the rosary. Like, yeah, I've prayed it here and there and stuff like that. But I don't know, when I saw that TikTok, I could just feel God being like, yeah, like try it. And now I honestly love it, and I've been continuing to do it. Well, I guess my 54-day novena just ended less than a week ago, but yeah. Um anyways, so yeah, it's just like it's like an anchor because I feel like especially with my anxiety and trying to hear God's voice, and I think I might have some undiagnosed ADHD because I swear, even if I'm not anxious about it, my mind is like literally all over the place. It's like this thought, this thought, this thought, just distracted. Like it's just like literally all over the place, like boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I felt during the rosary, like that anchor of the repetitive prayer just like helped to calm those thoughts and calm that noise and loudness. And then also allowed me the opportunity to like really go into um like the different scenes and aspects that we meditate on in the rosary. So sometimes that would look like um me imagining myself in the scene with Jesus. Sometimes that would be imagining the scene from Mary's point of view. Sometimes that would be imagining the scene from an outsider's point of view. Sometimes my mind would still be so distracted that it was even too much for me to like put myself in the scene. And I could feel the Lord being like, You're still here, you're still spending time with me, you're still showing up. And that's what's important, and that what's that's what matters, even if it's just you know, not putting yourself in the scene, just being here with me is meaningful. Um so yeah, it's not like it looked the same every day. Um but yeah, and kind of tying that back to the first point of faith is not a feeling. That was something I like really learned with the rosary, I feel like. Um it's kind of hard to describe. But yeah, there was just something deeper about it where like even though I wouldn't feel all those, I almost want to say that they're like kind of like I don't know. I feel like it's like if I have to, if you can see me, if you're watching, like happiness, joy, peace. And then there was just like something deeper. It's just like this knowledge of like God is here and with me. Even though all these things are good, it was just something deeper of like, even when I can't feel these things or I might not feel these things, he is still here. He is with me. He still loves me. And he is in this moment with me. Um, but yeah, kind of going back to what I was saying too, about like every time I'd pray, it would be a little different, just depending on like the day and my mindset and kind of like what was going on or whatever. Um, sometimes it would just be as simple as like just sitting and listening to the words. Like, oh my gosh. I don't know, it was just so relaxing. And then like the physical action of the beads, too. Like, it almost is like feels like a heartbeat in a way. It's like, I don't know, it's really soothing. Sometimes I'll fall asleep in the middle of it. Like, it's almost just like puts you in this really relaxing lull. And I think sometimes with the rosary, at least like, I don't know, we never prayed the rosary growing up, but like I remember one time in like religious education when I was in middle school, we went around and prayed the rosary, and I just like I don't know, I didn't understand it or like the point of it, or I was just like, why would we repeat this prior? And like, I mean, even in the beginning of my walk with faith, walk of faith, it wasn't like I was like, okay, let me do the rosary. Like it it's all just been like little baby steps. Um, and like now I can feel the Lord is wanting to um, you know, this was something he has brought me brought me to, brought to me, whichever both. Um, but like really understanding more about it and how it's just another way to build intimacy intimacy with him, and it's just another tool to get closer with him and another way to spend time with him. And um, you know, now that I'm doing the rosary doesn't mean I don't just talk to him. Honestly, even sometimes during the rosary, I just talk to him like this. Like it's just really cool because it's like I don't know, it just it really matches with the way I connect with God because it's meditation-based, and I spend a lot of time with the Lord just sitting, meditating on scripture, meditating on just being in the present and talking to him. And this was just like an expansion of that, and took that just even to another level almost. Um, but yeah, it's just been it's been really cool. Um, just to like learn more about and just learn more about Catholicism. Um, because I think I might have told you guys I was raised Catholic, but just very lax Catholic. Um like going to Mass. Sometimes we'd go every Sunday in a row, sometimes it was just on holidays. I knew your basics of like Father, Son, Holy Spirit, some very basic Bible stories, and that was about it. Um, but yeah, I just feel like the closer I'm getting to the Lord and the deeper our relationship is, the more I've been learning about the Catholic Church and just how deep and rich and historic it is. And it just, I don't know, it just allows for many more avenues um for intimacy in different ways with the Lord. And it's just, I don't know, it's really cool, and I'm really appreciating it. And yeah. Um, but yeah, that's about all I have for today. Um just wanted to guide give you guys like a little update on kind of what's been going on and some things that the Lord has taught me the past couple of months. But speaking of rosary, I think I if you guys want to be a post, I think I would like to do an episode of me just praying the rosary. Shout out to the Hallow App again. I always use the Hallow App for my rosary because I can just follow along with it. Um, but I think I would like to just kind of like be the guide for you, kind of like how I listen to a guide and uh a guide through the Hallow app. Um, but yeah, my mom gave me this little like rosary book and it goes through all the different ones. But anyways, I'm kind of thinking ahead here. But yeah. Well, I'm excited to be back, and just like honestly, too, with um everything with just like everything has been very baby steps. Um it's just been like literally one step at a time with this whole starting my own business thing, and like I was saying, things are moving slower than I've expected, and there's a lot of waiting periods, and I'm especially in a big waiting period right now where I'm waiting on like two more things, and then I can kind of start get to get going with it. Um but now that I'm in this waiting period and I've done a lot of all that other work, I can feel myself. I think that was also probably why I was feeling a little bit more anxious too, like I was saying, and really disconnected from God was like I would didn't really have things to like fill my time with, if that makes sense. Of like, it's not like I was like, okay, I need to do this for the business or this or whatever it was. And um, yeah, yeah. And then also I was back home for Easter, and I think also just like when I'm in, you know, my space and my routine with God doing my thing, it's like I can feel a little bit more confident and like talking to like my friends about it here and stuff. But then when I went home and you know, my dad was asking questions about it, and I'm telling him, it's like I don't know, it's almost like bringing it more to the surface, and especially like, I don't know, something with it being at home and just I don't want to say out of my element, but like I don't know, it was just different. It wasn't in the routine I've been in, and um, you know, it had me question like, oh my gosh, am I actually okay? Like, yeah, just thinking my anxiety just kind of like was taking all of that and running with it. Um but yeah, feeling better now, and yeah, like I was saying, I think I just needed to start to integrate some routine back into my life, like just with being in um like this in between period. So this is part of that routine is getting back to the podcast, and honestly, I'm really excited about it. I miss you guys. Um, but yeah, I will talk to you guys next week. Love you, bye.