Recent body image setback

Talking about a recent setback with my body image over the last few weeks and how it all really came to a head this past weekend. So so grateful for this space 

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Okay. Test. Hello, everybody. So I've had this happen before in a previous episode. But I already recorded this episode, and when I went to go listen back, I realized my mic wasn't on. So this is part two of the same thing. Oh my goodness. But yeah. Also, we're up a little bit close and personal. I am just starting to get used to bringing my camera a little bit closer. And um yeah, just trying to optimize like how this looks. And yeah, just continuing to still get comfortable with seeing myself on camera. Because as you guys know, I've only been adding video to my podcast since January when I moved. So it's still been a process of just getting my getting used to seeing myself on camera. And you kind of got you guys kind of get to see the progression of that. Because at first it was way back. The lighting was not good. Um now I've like changed the lighting a little bit, bringing you guys closer. Like it's just like if you look at the YouTube, you can see it's like inching closer and closer and closer. Um, but I'm also upgrading my setup next week to make it look a little bit more polished and just having something consistent and something um more sustainable. Cause right now I just have you guys on my laptop stacked on top of mancala, a board game, and a puzzle. So we need something that's like better for some long-term things, you know? Um, but yeah. So what I wanted to talk about this episode was something I've been struggling with the past, it's been a few weeks, but it really came to a head this weekend. And just wanted to share it with you guys. Um, and I kind of touched on this a little bit in an episode back in Virginia, um, where I talk about my relationship with exercise. Um, but I feel like I've really been struggling with my body image the last few weeks, and yeah, it really just came to a head this weekend where old patterns were really starting to become noticeable, like really bad. Um so yeah, so I'll start back a few weeks ago. Um actually no, I'll start with when I moved here because last time I talked to you guys about like this area of my life, I was really honed in on like cycle syncing, um, which is the idea of matching up your diet and how you're exercising with your menstrual cycle. And cycle syncing really helped me to learn to meet my body where it was at. Um, but then once I kind of was getting into a rhythm with the cycle syncing, the move ended up happening. And I felt like even cycle syncing was hard for me to sustain when I was in the midst of quitting my job, planning a move, actually moving, figuring out what I was gonna do work-wise, and just going through a really, even though it was exciting, a really stressfully emotional time. Um it's just, I mean, it's a big transition. And I was just having a hard time even keeping up with cycle syncing, and I was needing to meet my body where it was at, even more so than cycle syncing even was. And what that looks like during the time of like actively preparing to move and moving, and even first getting here, was walking and stretching, and that's it. Um, which is a big change from what I used to do. I mean, I was heavy lifting, like really heavy lifting, four to five times a week and doing cardio pretty much running, I would say, um, one to two times a week. It was really intense, really rigid. I would feel a lot of guilt if I missed a day. My diet was also really rigid, where I was there was a period where I was even like tracking everything I was eating, um, you know, counting calories, and oh, that was just no way to live. It took all the enjoyment out of everything. Um and I was just that it you guys have heard me talk about that 2018-2019 period, that really dark period in my life. That's when all the that really obsessive, rigid lifestyle period was. Um, but yeah, but yeah, even though I was doing less and giving myself more grace when it came to my diet, um, I noticed I just kind of felt better, even though I was in this huge transitional period. But by just listening to my body and what it needed, I noticed I was feeling better, even though I was technically like doing less. And I found myself during that time too, just not even really worrying about what my body looked like because I knew as long as I was overall still staying active in a way, and overall keeping a healthy foundation with food, um, for the most part, that I was it was still overall healthy, and it was just more of listening to my body and meeting myself where I was at. Um, but I will say over the last, I don't know, four to six weeks, I have felt old patterns coming up. Um, those really rigid patterns starting to pop up. And they started off kind of slow and they really came to a head this weekend. Um, so a few weeks ago, they kind of started with just some comments about my lifestyle and that I really need to get back into lifting like I was and things like that. And those were just seeds of doubt that were starting to be planted in me. Like, oh my gosh, like, do I really need to get back into doing that? Is what I'm doing right now by listening to my body just not enough? Is this really not healthy? Um, yeah, and that kind of really started that overanalyzing mindset of like what I was doing and how I was um exercising and eating and stuff like that. I also just started to become more critical of myself, like when I would look at myself in the mirror, where before when I was really just truly meeting myself where I was at and being gentle with myself, but overall still being healthy, even though it looked different than what I was doing before. I started to like pick myself apart when I would look in the in the mirror and you know, looking at my arms, being like they're not as toned, or my stomach, not being able to see my abs, or even my hips starting to get wider, or looking at my thighs and just noticing that I wasn't as toned, I wasn't as fit looking. I'm doing like quotations because even though I was those things of looking very toned and muscly, I wasn't really healthy because everything was ego-based and everything was just rooted in how I looked, not truly living a healthy lifestyle, even though I thought at the time it was, it was not. It was all rooted in how I looked, and then this is diving into a whole nother area and opening a whole new can of worms that we could talk about in another episode. But I was like, okay, why was I even so concerned about why I looked, how I looked, and it was all coming from a place of feeling like I needed to look good in order to be accepted by others, especially in like the context of like dating, but also the physical changes that I was seeing, even though I was being critical and critiquing them, weren't only because of my lifestyle changes and my habits not being as rigid, but also just because I'm maturing and getting older and my body's starting to look more womanly, especially like in my hips and stuff like that. Like my hips are just getting bigger, and when I look in the mirror, I'm like, oh wow, like that's a woman's body. So the changes I'm seeing aren't just because of lifestyle changes, but also because of just natural aging and maturity, and just having to accept that this is natural and normal and expected, and that aging and maturing is a gift, and yeah, just starting to get comfortable with the idea of that. But yeah, this weekend everything really came to a head. I was visiting my sister, she was graduating, and you know, just naturally when you're celebrating, you know, we were eating out at least once a day, if not multiple times a day. Um, you know, I was treating myself a lot, and I just found myself especially being critical when I looked in the mirror. Like I would look in the mirror and just pick myself apart thinking that I looked huge, especially compared to like how I used to look. And asking my sister, like, do I look big? And yeah, just feeling like I needed lots of like reassurance on how I was looking. But yeah, when I first got there, it started more with just kind of getting whatever I wanted, which is how I feel like my mindset has started to change around eating out. Where before, when I was more rigid, it was very much of like you just have to get the healthiest thing on the menu. Um, where now it's just like I'm gonna enjoy what I want when I'm going out to eat, um, and then that social setting. And yeah, I was getting food that, you know, I just wanted, not necessarily based on like the ingredients. And I noticed, especially like towards the end of the trip, I found myself falling back into those old patterns of, okay, I need to get the healthiest thing on the menu because I've been eating bad. But yeah, I noticed my body image was really keeping me in my head rather than being present in the moment this weekend. Like, even in pictures, I would want to look at the pictures to, you know, see, okay, like how do I actually look? Do I actually really look bigger and like I'm putting on weight? And yeah, it was just really keeping me from being present in the moment, and it kept me all up here in my head. Um, but yeah, I'm just kind of learning that even though this was something I thought I had mastered, I'm putting up quotations. I don't even know if I want to say I mastered it, but something I felt a lot of growth and progress with. That I this was my first like really hard dip and difficulty with this area in a while. Um, we're not robots and our bodies are gonna need different things at different times. Like when I think about that season of grief, like when my mom died, my lifestyle in regards to this area looked a lot different. Another example is the move, you know, and preparing for the move and then actually moving. You know, things are gonna look different in seasons of life like that compared to, you know, when you have your more day-to-day normalcy and more of a routine. Um, and just accepting that and knowing that, and being able to practice flexibility with ourselves and meeting ourselves and meeting our bodies where they're at, and giving ourselves that grace because that is the grace that the Lord gives us. He always meets us where we're at, and we need to do the same thing with ourselves and show ourselves that same love. And I will say something that's been kind of triggering for me is um I've come across some things in books and online um from a faith-based perspective, talking about like the discipline of you know, working out and taking care of your body. And I can find myself being like, oh my gosh, I need to go back down to that, you know, being really rigid with it, where I can feel the Lord being like, no, that's not what that means. Everyone's life is different. And you don't know, they could have been at the other extreme of that, you know. Um, finding that balance of our bodies are a gift given from the Lord, and we need to take care of them, but also life is a gift, and life is meant to be enjoyed, and being able to intertwine those two of living an overall healthy lifestyle, but not being afraid to treat yourself or you know, break away from routine if that's what your body is needing or wanting at that time, and yeah, just overall being gentle and gracious with ourselves because that's exactly how the Lord is with us, and it just shows his kind of love, and we should so show that same love to ourselves. But yeah, yeah, it's just something that has really just been kind of like bubbling and really came to the surface um recently, and just having to remind myself that our bodies are always gonna be changing, um, giving myself the grace to just meet my body where it's at, listen to what it's asking for, because when we're in tune with our bodies, it it'll tell us exactly what we need. I mean, our bodies are always telling us exactly what we need. We just have to be in tune with it and listen. Um, you know, and that's kind of how I figured out like the lifestyle that I was living before wasn't good for me because I wasn't happy. I was constantly up here in my head worrying about, oh, I need to go to the gym, or oh, I ate that, that's not good, you know, reading the ingredients, which I still read the ingredients because it's important to live that overall healthy lifestyle. But I was obsessing about it before, like obsessing. Like if it has this, I won't eat it. Where now it's like, okay, that might not be something I buy on the regular, but if I want to treat myself, like I'm gonna have it and not feel guilty about it. I think that's a big thing too, is like allowing yourself to treat yourself and enjoy those foods that are like good for the soul. Um, but then not feeling guilty about it afterwards. And that was something I was falling into this weekend was because I was eating a lot of those foods that are good for the soul, I was starting to be like, oh my gosh, the effect that this is gonna have on my body. And I think that also shows though, too, the importance of overall having that healthy foundation because when I was eating those things regularly, back to back to back, multiple meals, snacks, days in a row, I noticed that my body didn't feel good though, either. Um, so yeah, just finding that balance of overall living that healthy lifestyle, but not falling into the guilt and the pressure. But yeah, it's hard. I think you know, social media makes things even harder, you know, with comparison. And I know this has always been a thing, but body trends, like, why is that even a thing? That should not be a thing. Um, but yeah, I've just kind of accepted that by finding that balance in my lifestyle, it's not like I'm completely letting myself go. Because I think that's been a fear of mine is that by, you know, oh my gosh, not living this l super rigid lifestyle and doing all these things, that it meant that I was gonna go completely to the other end of like not taking care of my body at all. When it's more we gotta find that middle and find that balance by living, like I was saying, that overall healthy lifestyle, your body's gonna reflect that. Um, and that was something too that even though my body look might look different, it doesn't mean that my body is unhealthy. Oh, yeah, that was something I needed to hear. But yeah, but yeah, just give yourself grace, but yeah, just wanted to share that with you guys. But that's all I've got. So I will talk to you guys next week. All right, love you, bye.