Little intro ep pt.2

A second little intro episode talking about some recent upgrades to the pod and what to expect from the pod. Spoiler alert: lots of authenticity and vulnerability. 

I love this space and am so thankful for those of you here.

Transcript

Pod revamp

0:00

Hello, everybody. I am so excited, a little nervous, but also really excited because we're just getting a little revamp. Um, if you're watching, you can see that I've changed my setup a little bit. Um and I've also changed the cover of the podcast. I don't know, I just wanted to feel a little bit more like me and what I was ultimately envisioning for the podcast because honestly, when like first thinking about the podcast and like the setup, and especially when it came to moving out here to Chicago, and yeah, just thinking about it in that way, I envisioned like a corner unit, me sitting like in the corner and recording like this. Like honestly, like this is exactly what I envisioned when it came to the podcast and then moving out here. So I feel like I'm like really starting to see this podcast come to fruition with what I envisioned for it. And yeah, I mean, even just like this setup with it being what I envisioned is honestly what helped me pick this apartment because I knew I was like, okay, the Lord is putting this vision in my head, and I was not gonna settle for anything less for that. So I knew I wanted a corner unit. Um, and yeah, this was just exactly what I envisioned in my head, and it's just really cool to finally be here and see what I had envisioned months and months ago, even back in Virginia, finally happen. Like I envisioned this setup of me podcasting in a corner in a city with floor-to-ceiling windows back in Virginia before I knew like what I wanted this what I before I knew anything, honestly. Um yeah, yeah, it's just so cool and so crazy at the same time. Um, and like even right now, like it's not a big thing, but like it's a step up where like before I was recording on, as you guys know, my laptop camera, where now, I mean, I'm recording on my phone, so still not super fancy, but now I have a ring light, and it's just like I don't know. I'm just really starting to see it evolve into what I've imagined it to be. And yeah, it's just really cool. It's really, really cool.

Why I didn't post last week

2:55

Um, but I also wanted to apologize because I was supposed to release an episode yesterday, um, but honestly, things got a little crazy. So last week I was supposed to record and it just didn't end up happening. I was giving myself last week to like play around with the new setup and the ring light and figuring out positioning and all that kind of stuff. And then the first half of the week, I was feeling really good. I was feeling like so confident about everything, and um, and I was just feeling so confident about honestly, like everything in my life. Like, I feel like the beginning of last week, this is probably gonna sound a little crazy, but I really feel like it was the best I have ever managed my OCD. Like I could feel like a negative thought and recognize that negative thought right away, and was able to like brush it off or like turn it into a positive thought. Um, I was just able to recognize it right away and knew like what to do and to use my strategies. And it literally just felt like like the negative thought would come and I'd be like boop, boop, boop, boop, like just kind of like brushing them away, and like they would actually go away. And like I knew I'm like, okay, it's just a negative thought. And then Thursday last week, oh my gosh, I literally feel like I just hit a wall, like a wall of anxiety and doubt, and yeah, it was literally like one extreme to the other in such a short amount of time, and all this anxiety started to come up of oh my gosh, like, is God actually gonna take care of me? Is he actually gonna provide for me? Like, I this business thing, doors are opening, but still very, very slowly. Like, I'm still not making income. And I was feeling so confident about that at the beginning of the week. Like, God, you're you've got me, you're gonna take care of me. Like, you can literally do anything, and I trust you, and I have so much peace about it, and I feel calm and confident. And then, like I said, it was literally just hitting a wall of just anxiety and doubt of like, oh my gosh, is he actually gonna do this? Have I been wrong about this? Did I make a mistake moving out here? Did I make all this up in my head? Just like all these negative thoughts that kept me sitting on the couch or in my bed, just ruminating on those thoughts, thinking about them, looking my thoughts up online. Because honestly, a big um like compulsion for me with my OCD is like looking up thoughts, my thoughts or my experiences, or like what's going through my head, like on Reddit or even on Chat GBT to just find some sort of relief. But the thing with a compulsion is you'll feel that relief for a second, but it's not like lasting relief. Um, so I can easily spend hours at a time doing that when I let it control me, honestly. And yeah, that is what was going on. Um, the end of the week and through the weekend, which sucked because the weather is finally starting to get nice here. Um, like consistently nice, I would say. And, you know, I mean, being in Chicago, everyone's so excited for the warm weather now, and then I spent it inside, so then I was feeling guilt about that, and uh, yeah. Yeah, it was just just a little crazy.

Keeping the pod authentic

6:49

Oh, also jumping back to the beginning with like the new setup and stuff. A big thing for me is even though, like, yes, I have the ring light and stuff now, um, just to make it look a little bit more polished. Something that I have never wanted to steer away from is just authenticity and the coziness. Like, this is literally just in my living room. Like, this is literally just my living room. And the fact that I get to do this for my living room in the comfort of my own home is just such a blessing. And oh my gosh, it's just so it's so cool. But yeah, that's like just a big thing, even though like I'm doing like upgrades. I I feel like these upgrades are allowing me to just honestly shape it into the most authentic vision that I had for it. Um, so it's just really cool. I'm really excited. At first, I was feeling a little nervous, like I was like, oh my gosh, like I don't know, like it's kind of starting to get this is like a little crazy. Like, I don't know, I don't know how I feel about it. And like even as I was, you know, getting ready to get on here, I was feeling a little nervous. But like once I sat down and started talking, I was like, oh my gosh, wait, this is so cool and so fun, just like always, just with a little revamp, you know.

Continuing to trust God with no income

8:16

But jumping back to the income thing, sorry, I'm like bebopping all over all over the place this episode. I hope you guys are following, um, is just continuing to trust God with it. And like today, definitely feeling anxious, but not like debilitating like it was over the weekend and the end of last week. So, for example, I ended up breaking my glasses earlier this week, and um, I took them into Costco today, and you know, they said they weren't gonna be able to fix them, um, and that I would have to get a new pair. And, you know, that's just, I mean, I need I need new glasses if my other ones broke, but there it's also just this feeling of oh my gosh, like just more money to spend when I don't have money right now, like I don't have income. And and I can feel this peace and this calm from the Lord where he's like, I've got you, I'm taking care of you, you're gonna be fine, everything's gonna be okay. But my mind just goes to worst case scenario. Like, my worst case scenario, my mind is literally jumping to I'm gonna run out of money and I'm gonna end up on the street and I'm gonna lose everything. And that's where just that worst case scenario mindset that I've been going to, and and honestly, I brought that up to my therapist this week when I saw her. We were talking about like, you know, my anxiety about the whole situation that I'm in right now. And um, you know, I told her what that worst case scenario is, and we, you know, talked through it, and she was like, based on everything you've told me, like, I'm not seeing any proof that you are gonna end up homeless and lose everything, even though things might be moving a little bit slower than you anticipated. That doesn't mean worst-case scenario is going to happen. Um, so yeah, just trying to shift that mindset and really trust the Lord through it, but it's been hard. It's been hard.

Putting myself and God inside a box

10:45

Okay, jumping back again, just about the podcast and the little revamp. Um, something that I noticed and have been noticing, especially since I've started incorporating video, has been putting more pressure on myself. I don't know. I think in my head I'm like, oh, it's starting to feel a little bit more serious and like having to like present myself on camera and that kind of stuff. Like, I I don't know, I I just with the introduction of the camera started to feel more pressure on myself. And I was also noticing too, with like the introduction of the camera and putting that pressure on myself, I noticed that I was trying to put myself into this box. Because as you guys know, my faith is a huge part of my life, and it's naturally gonna be a huge part of this podcast. But I'm like, I don't know if I necessarily would call this like a Christian podcast because I'm not teaching, you know, I'm just talking about my life, and then faith is deeply integrated in that. And, you know, I was when people ask me like, oh, what's your podcast about? I tell them, I'm like, it's a podcast just about my life, but my faith is such a big part of my life that it's just naturally integrated into it. And I, especially now with this revamp that I'm doing and just like really making this to be what I want it to be, is not to feel like I have to put myself into some sort of box where I'm just gonna talk about whatever I want. And most of that is gonna be like voice memo diary style and me just talking about my life and um what the Lord is doing in my life, and um, you know, giving him the glory through what he's doing through my life, and you guys get to hear about it. But that doesn't mean that sometimes, like, for example, like I have the episode of like praying the rosary, like that doesn't mean there aren't gonna be episodes kind of like that either. And um yeah, I've just accepted now where we're doing this little revamp that it's my podcast, and I don't have to try to fit it into this box, and it's gonna find the right people. Whoever wants to listen to this and likes it is going to listen to it. And you know, I want people to because I'm showing up and sharing my life with you guys authentically, I want authentic listeners too. I don't want to try to make myself into something to attract people. I just want to show up, be myself, talk about whatever, and the people I want the people who are naturally attracted to that to be here. You know what I mean? I just want it to be very natural and authentic and yeah, not feeling like I'm being put in this box. And that also just makes me think that I feel like throughout my relationship with the Lord, that I've learned that He we cannot put him in a box. And I feel like that's something our society has done is really put God into this box where he no and I feel like a lot of that has to do with like strictly religion versus like having true faith and knowing the Lord. Um, I think that's where that difference is, where religion really try is very rigid and tries to put God in this box. If you think about it, freedom, the freedom that comes with Christ, that cannot be put into a box. Like, what? Yeah, like the freedom that comes with the Lord and with knowing Him, like when I think of that freedom, I just think of like endless opportunities and openness, like just endless openness is what I think of. Um, where with religion, like I think of this very rigid box, and when I think of the Lord, I just think of like vast openness. Um, so this episode

Closing thoughts

15:45

wasn't super long, but it was just kind of an introduction, like a second introduction in a way of the podcast, I feel like. But I'm just really excited now. I just I don't know, I feel like we've kind of like turned a page and we're like in a new chapter of the podcast, and I'm just really excited for it and excited to see what the Lord does with it. And yeah, I'm just really excited, and I'm happy you guys are here. But yeah, thank you for being here, and I will talk to you guys next week. Love you, bye.