Leaning into creativity

My whole life I believed I wasn't creative. I struggled with coming up with ideas on my own out of fear of how I would be perceived by others. In this episode, I talk about how I have learned to lean into my creative side and what that has looked like. 

Transcript

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Difficulties with recording today

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody. Okay, so I'm just gonna come straight out and be honest with you guys. I was so excited to record this episode because I was I knew I just had a lot to say. And I sat down and started recording, and I just was like stopping after like every sentence I was saying. I was just so getting in my head, and yeah, I could just feel all these negative thoughts coming in of like, why are you even doing this? Yada yada yada. Yeah, I think I think I also have a tendency to kind of get in my head about this because I'm taking such a different approach to this podcast. Like, like I'm just talking to you guys, like I would talk to my friends, or like I mean, the whole point of this is to sound like a voice memo, you know? Um, and it's just supposed to sound very personal and authentic, and I feel like from podcasts that I have seen before, that can be missing and it feels very polished and put together and not as authentic, but now because I'm doing something different from what is out there, a lot of what is out there, I am just like really I'm just comparing myself to it, and I'm getting in my head about it, and it's making me doubt myself and just not feel good about this, and that's not what this is supposed to be, you know. This is supposed to be it's supposed to be like a voice memo, like me just talking to my friends and just sharing and being open and honest and just talking to you guys, and yeah, like it's not supposed to have all this pressure, and I think also now that I'm like looking at a ring light, I'm like, oh it like feels like more. I don't know. I just I need to just quit putting so much pressure on myself, honestly, and just enjoy this. And yeah, it that

Leaning into my own creative side

SPEAKER_00 2:28

it all kind of ties into what this episode, what I've had planned for this episode, and what I wanted to talk about anyways, which is um creativity, and I just wanted to share with you guys um just what it's been look like what it's been looking like in my life to really lean more into my creative side, like truly lean into it, because I've always thought that I was someone who wasn't really creative, but I am now learning it's actually the opposite. Um yeah, so I guess where do I want to start? I guess I'll start back at the beginning of when I started, I don't know, I guess leaning into creativity, I guess. So I grew up dancing, doing all the different genres tap, jazz, hip-hop, ballet, lyrical, modern, musical stage, all of them. Um, tap has been my favorite though. Tap was the one that I started with. That was like my step into dance. And then after I graduated high school and when I got into college, tap was the only one that stuck, and that I still do sometimes. I haven't done it since moving out to Chicago, and I've oh, I've been having such an itch for it. I just want to get back into dance so bad. I miss it. Um, but yeah, so I feel like dance was the first like creative thing that I've done. And well, it I did it for a long time. I mean, I did it literally from I mean, I started ballet when I was three, I think I took a break for a little bit, started tap when I was seven, so started tap when I was seven, and then was dancing up until I was a senior in high school, and then I was in a dance club in undergrad, then I took a break for a couple years, so then I was in grad school, and then I took classes when I got my first job, but I haven't taken them since I've moved out here. But, anyways, so that's like the realm of creativity that I have been in for most of my life, but it was always learning somebody else's choreography. I was always so uncomfortable with improv. And for those of you that don't know, improv is just doing whatever, whatever you want to do. Um, I always felt like I struggled with like improv or like creating my own choreography. I just would get so in my head about it. And honestly, since I've come to know the Lord and find my true authentic self and who he created me to be through knowing him, I have come to enjoy dance even more just because I'm feeling more comfortable in my own body and leaning more into that creative side of myself. It's something that's still a work in progress. Um, I actually am like, I've never really had this itch before of like wanting to choreograph my own dance. I think I did once when I was in college where I was like, oh, I would love to just be able to choreograph something. And I went to, you know, the dance studio I grew up in, and I just like I was getting stone my head. And yeah, I can just I have this urge to get back into dance, but just I mean, I have all the foundational steps, but just let my body do whatever it wants to the music with that foundational knowledge that I have of the steps and stuff like that. Um, so yeah, that's something I've been wanting to get back into really bad, actually. But yeah, I need to. I really need to. I feel like another way since I've come to know the Lord, that I've really like leaned into my creativity is also just like my style, just both with like decor and also like clothing, too, like just leaning into what do I actually like? What do I like? What do I want to get? Not what's trending, not what's popular. I mean, I'm sure there's a little bit of that tied in there, but mostly like I'm not buying something because it's like, oh, this is what's in right now. It's mostly because, like, wait, I like that. I genuinely like that, and then I trust that because I like it, everything is gonna have kind of like a similar feel, and it's all gonna come together, but in a unique way, and yeah, it honestly, and like when you lean into that, you just love your space more, you love what you wear more, you feel more comfortable and confident in yourself, and that's what the Lord wants, He wants you to feel comfortable and confident. Another thing, too, has been singing. Um, I'm very shy about it, which is crazy because I've sang on an episode before, but looking back, there's been times I'm like, should I delete that video or video, that episode? Um, but I'm just gonna leave it because I know the Lord has a plan. I don't know what that plan is, but I know he has something he wants to do. That's all I know. But um yeah, like I have always loved singing. I remember my mom saying that I loved singing as a little girl. Like before I even remember having some of those memories, she was like, Oh my gosh, you love singing. Especially I remember she said um to somewhere over the rainbow from The Wizard of Oz. But, anyways, yeah, and I've always liked singing in the car. I did musical one year in high school. Like, I've always liked it, but I've never thought that I was good at it. Again, it all kind of comes back to not being comfortable and confident in myself because I didn't know who I was because I wasn't leaning into my identity in Christ. And now that I know him and am feeling more comfortable and confident in myself, I am feeling like more confident to try things and to sing around the house and try different things with my voice. And yeah, it's just it's so enjoyable, it's so fun, and it's literally just like doing it with God. Um, but yeah, that's another one, and then the podcast is a big one. I mean, that's a creative outlet and like shaping it to what I want to be. I mean, the fact that I want this to be different from any other podcast that's out there, it shows creativity, and the setup is showing my creativity and the way that I'm presenting myself and talking to you guys is showing my creativity, even though, like, in my head I'm like, how is this being creative? Like, it's just me talking. How is this being creative? I am creating something through this podcast that wasn't there before, so it's it's exercising that creative muscle. But then that also ties into like designing the cover for the podcast, picking out the logo and making, well, not picking out making the logo for my business. Um, like that's all exercising my creative muscle. And I've needed some pointers along the way. Like, my first website was oh, it's so bad. It was so bad. I mean, like the general content and wording was good, but like it was not good. It was not good, and like my dad had to help me with it because he I which I didn't know. He uh told me when he was at work he like did a lot of presentations and stuff like that. Um so he was able to help me with like contrast and that kind of stuff, and you know what's gonna get people's attention based on like your service and what you're selling and things like that. So I I don't know why I did quotations for selling. I just like I don't know, sales makes me feel weird. Like I just when it gets into that slimy, inauthentic business stuff, I just ugh, I don't like it, and it makes me really uncomfortable. So I even like just the fact of like having to sell myself for my business, like it's really been something I've had to uncomfortably lean into. I'm not used to it. I'm trying to do it as authentically as possible and think about what it looks like on the receiving end, and yeah, but anyways, yeah,

Creativity in unexpected places

SPEAKER_00 12:13

just even like the way I'm running my business and um like that's a way that's a way I'm exercising my creative muscle, and then same with now that I'm doing content creation for my business. I just started doing that this week, but it's actually been a lot of fun. Um I started off with just like calling places and taking handouts places and stuff like that, and I was getting kind of stuck. I wasn't like really, I don't know, I haven't heard back from any families who would want my services yet. And I was kind of stuck in a rut for a little bit, and I was just like, oh, I don't know what to do. And I made social media accounts for my business like right when I figured out the name of it. That way I could go ahead and get the usernames and stuff like that. But I didn't really do too too much. I made a few posts at the beginning, but they were like just things that I had made on Canva, like they weren't videos or anything like that. And then honestly, it was the Lord. I could feel him nudging me to stop calling places for now, stop taking physical handouts and focus on marketing like digitally and on social media. So I've started making videos for that, and even that is like really exercising my creative muscle of like, how do you want this to look? What do you want it to be? Like, what kind of content do you want to post? Like, it's all very much of like there's so much freedom in it of like what do I want to do? Like, I get to decide, I call the shots. Like, it's actually so fun and so freeing. And having this podcast has helped so much with already have experience talking to a camera, and now that I have the ring light and the tripod, being familiar with that, so I've been using that, and being familiar with editing and stuff like that, like it's just been so perfect because jumping back to like September when I first started the put the podcast, I never would have thought that these skills would have been something that I was using for another thing, you know? It's just he's he's so crazy in a good way. I always say that, but he is. Yeah, yeah. So I just I really feel like I am truly learning through creativity, like who I am, what I like, and God

God is the author of creativity

SPEAKER_00 14:50

just gets the glory through it all because he is the one that gives us creativity. I mean, think about God and look at our world around us. He loves creativity and like he's creative himself. I mean, just look at our world. I mean, the sky, the stars, the ocean, the grass, the desert, uh animals, all the different animals, humans, how we're all so different and how we're all so unique. Like, that is all just a testament to God's creativity, and we're creative beings just like that. Oh, another thing is even like photography, which is so cute because my mom liked photography. But like, even that, like, as I'm out, I feel like I can see as I'm like out in the world, and I take pictures of things that were I'm like, oh, I really like it's like almost like it catches my eye, and I'm like, oh, I really just that I really like the way that looks. I want to take a picture of it, and like even that, that is creativity. It's been so, like I said, it's been so fun and freeing leaning into my creative side and not worrying about what other people are thinking or not worrying about like, is it good enough? Like, blah blah all those thoughts, you know, and just doing it because I like it and it's unique because there's no one else like me. Oh,

Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin

SPEAKER_00 16:16

but it's just it's so it makes me sad because growing up, like I was just so uncomfortable with myself and like so afraid to like truly lean into myself. Like I didn't even know like what that would look like. And like essentially being told, like, there's no point in doing things unless you're good at them, which like really kept me from leaning into trying new things and exploring different creative outlets, and I think there's also this idea that like to be creative means you paint or you do some sort of like physical art like that, but just like creativity in itself, like it's so there's so much you can do to be creative. Like I was saying, like even the way I'm running my business is showing creativity, you know, like yeah, it just makes me it makes me sad to think about like how uncomfortable and how afraid I was to like lean into this side of myself because like it's always been here like this is the way that God created me to be and yeah, I was letting fear, like fear of what others would think, keep me from leaning into my true authentic self, which is just like so sad to think about. So, to anybody who's listening and watching, if there's something you've been like really wanting to try, but like fear has been holding you back, fear of what other people would think, fear of like, are people even gonna like this? It doesn't matter. Just do what you want to do. That desire is there for a reason, and it's not just random. God has put that desire there, and he would not put a desire there unless he wanted to fulfill it with you. And that's the sweet

Trying new things

SPEAKER_00 18:45

that's the part of this that's also so sweet too, is like as like I'm not exploring this creative side of myself by myself, like I'm doing it with God the whole time, and it's just it's so fun, and it's just so freeing. And kind of like I've mentioned on the last episode, it just feels like endless opportunities and endless, endless things to do, endless new things to try. Like, there's just so much that I still want to do and try, like who knows if it'll be in this lifetime or if it'll be in heaven, but like I'm like, oh, like there are things I wanted to do as a kid that like I or even as a young adult, or things that I still want to do now that I haven't. Like, I'm like, oh, like ice skating would be cool, or like gymnastics would be cool, or like um, I've always thought like making clay pots would be cool. Like, there's so many like things that I want to try and want to do, and like they're all just creative things, and uh yeah, yeah. So, yeah, if there's something you have been wanting to do, wanting to try, this is your sign to do it, and don't put any expectations on yourself, like this podcast really doesn't have that many people listening to it, and that's okay, and that's fine, and honestly, that's kind of a good thing right now because if there were a lot of people watching, I'd be freezing up more and putting even more of that pressure that I was talking about at the beginning on myself.

Feeling more creative as I lean into my femininity

SPEAKER_00 20:28

And I talked about this in the body image episode a few back, but um, I feel like even just leaning into my femininity and really leaning into the woman that the Lord has created me to be, that is like really tied in with like my creative side a lot. I mean, this and what I'm about to say isn't like black or white thinking, but if like I wish you guys could see, I think of like women, it makes me think like women are out of men and women, that women are more of like the creative and the soft and like wavy, and like I don't know, does that make sense? And that that men are more of like the analytical, logical, and neither one is better than the other, but they're different and they need each other and they complement each other perfectly, like you you need both of that, you know, and not to say that girls can't be analytical and logical, and that guys can't be creative, but just like I'm just noticing the more that I lean into my femininity, I feel more creative. I

Being creative without pressure

SPEAKER_00 21:45

just want to reiterate anything, any creative thing that you are doing or want to explore, or whatever it is, just do it for enjoyment. Like, don't put all this pressure. That this has to get big, or this has to happen with it. Just do it because you enjoy it and you want to do it. And if it's supposed to get big, it will. God's gonna do whatever he wants with it. And you know, I think that also goes with like not everything is supposed to be big. Like I a few months ago bought some acrylic paints, literally just on Amazon and Canvas. And I I don't know, I've seen videos on TikTok of acrylic. What are they? They're like um the they're like acrylic paint sticks, is what they are. And I've just I don't know, I've always been so drawn to them. Like any art that uh like really grabs my attention when I've seen it in the art museum, when I look what it is, it's usually acrylic. I've seen it on TikTok, and I'm just always so like fascinated, and I think it looks so beautiful and so bold. And I ordered some off Amazon just to try it. I have no experience with it, none. I have two, I have two pictures, two pieces that I've made, and they're literally just me exploring using acrylic paints and using that as a creative outlet to express whatever for me, for myself. No one's seen them except for me, and it was fun and I liked it, and I really should do that again because that was a few months ago, and I spent good money on it. Kind of going back to like the femininity and masculinity thing, I also feel like creativity will look different for both men and women, you know? That's it's not something I have totally mastered, or I don't even want to I don't even I don't even want to say like what I'm saying is with the masculinity and femininity thing is like completely true. It's just my observations that I've made so far, and granted those are very broad general observations, but I'm just I'm just giving you my experience of what I have experienced by leaning into my femininity and just my creative side, and those two go hand in hand very much so. And I feel like by leaning into my creative side, I feel like I'm also like truly living life. It's like there's so much to do, and I get to pick what I want to do, and there's no pressure, and it's just fun and enjoyable. And God wants your life to be enjoyable, he wants you to have fun, he doesn't want you to be miserable. That doesn't mean bad things are gonna happen, aren't gonna happen because we live in a fallen world, but he wants good for you, he wants you to have fun, he wants you to relax, he wants you to enjoy the life he's gifted you. He doesn't want you to be miserable and suffering the whole time. That is not what he wants for you, but yeah, yeah. Go out there, do whatever you feel like is on your heart to do. I'm serious. Like whatever you feel that pull towards, go do it. And I feel like that's a pretty good note to end on. Okay, well, I will talk to you guys next week. I love you. Bye.