Feeling discouraged

A little emotional in this episode as I talk about my recent daily struggles as I continue to trust the Lord through lots of uncertainty and unexpected delays. 

Transcript

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The truth of living a countercultural life

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody! Welcome back. I'm already feeling a little teary-eyed today. More I should just say like this evening. I don't know. I go like so back and forth with my emotions. My emotions have just been back and forth so much. I feel like over these last few months. And I'm just getting at the uh yeah. It's just hard. This is so hard. Like what I'm doing with my life is just really hard. Like, and it's really lonely. Because it's so against like what the world tells you to do and what everyone else is pretty much doing. Like quitting my job and moving hundreds of miles away from home and deciding to start my own business where I don't know anybody. And then the podcast. And like when I think about things, it's like okay, wow, we're going on like almost five months of me being out here, over five months of like not working, which is like crazy. Even the like the podcast, I'm like, is any of this even worth it? Because I'm not seeing like anything happen. And like I'm putting so much work and effort and pouring my heart into both this and what I'm doing for my business. And like, I don't know, like, and I'm not doing this for reviews, like, I'm doing this because I just want people to feel like they're not alone. And honestly, like, this podcast is like exactly the type of podcast that I have always probably needed. And like, I think that's why this is all so hard. Because like it all truly means so much to me. I also have to like make a livelihood at the same time, and there's this pressure of like you're on this timeline, like you only have so much money to live off of, and yeah, it's just hard. It's a different type of hard than what I was going through before when I was back in Virginia, and like even though I'm crying right now, like I will take this hard over the other hard, but a hundred percent I will take this hard over the other hard, but it doesn't mean it's still not hard, it's just a different type of hard. And like, it's very lonely. I mean, I've got a couple people in my life that by the great literally by the grace of God, like, he's put in my life for going through similar things, but like it's still so lonely and just against like what everyone else is doing, and it's so counter-cultural. A lot of people just can't relate to to what I'm going through right now, and it's just really lonely, and yeah, it's just so hard for months and months on end to be putting so much of your heart and work and effort into something, and like not see any like feedback from it essentially. Like, I still don't have any patients who are interested in my services, or like I know I talked about this a little bit last time, like I'm not doing this for numbers, but like it's when I am being so vulnerable and authentic, and like my heart behind this is I want to be reaching other people so they don't feel alone, and who I know I know so many people are struggling with the same same things that I struggle with, and I know I've talked about this before, like, thank goodness not a lot of people are seeing this right now just because I'd be freezing a lot more, and like it if there were more people, it'd be harder for me to be authentic. But then at the same time, I'm like, am I even like making a difference to anybody? You know, like am I even doing what am I even accomplishing what my heart has wanted through this podcast, you know? And I think it's also different too, because like it's not like I've been working, I've been working for months, but it's like I'm working without getting paid, and I'm putting so much work into it. I mean, yeah, even just like the money piece, like putting so much work into something and like essentially getting no return. It's really hard. Then I think like, oh my gosh, is this podcast just so like negative Nelly? Like, is it just too negative? Like, I don't know. I know it's relatable, but I'm also I don't know. I don't know. It just all ties back to is this even worth doing? But yeah, it's just it's not like a normal nine to five what I'm doing right now, where you go to work, you see X amount of patients, and you do the same thing the next day. And like you're like, okay, yeah, I was productive today because I saw this many patients. And I just know too that like to the rest of the world who is in that like nine to five mindset, that I probably it probably comes across as like I'm not doing enough. I mean, that's something I always ask myself, like, is there always more I like it always just feels like there's more that I could be doing. Yeah, it's just like it's just a different type of fatigue where I don't know if I want to say it's like it's definitely doesn't feel like burnout that I was in that I was experiencing before, but it's like I'm doing less because I'm like making some phone calls or like making a video and that kind of stuff, and like it yes, it's taking less time, but it's almost like there's so much more like emotion behind what I'm doing that it's like there's this fatigue of like feeling like I can't do any more than what I'm already doing, or then I would actually like get burnt out, and I just I refuse to to fall back into that burnout that I was experiencing before, and then I'm also still trying to find the balance and everything. Like today, because the weather was nice this afternoon, I went down to the beach, then I came home and I took a quick nap. It just always feels like there's more that I could be doing, but I'm also trying so hard to like listen to my body and what it's needing and what it's asking for in order to prevent the type of burnout that I was experiencing before. Persisting without any feedback or results is just it's it's really hard and it's a lot emotionally, but at the same time, it's like I I don't have any other option other than to keep persisting and keep pushing through. And I

My two biggest fears right now

SPEAKER_00 8:50

was talking to my therapist this week, and you know, I told her just like what my two biggest fears are having to leave Chicago and ending up homeless. Like those are my two biggest fears with everything. And I mean, she was just so real and honest about it, but she was like, you need to spend your time focusing on the best case scenario rather than the worst case scenario, which is a lot easier said than done. And I feel like my persistence is kind of a testament to that, but also like at the same time, there's just this doubt, this little seed of doubt in my head that's like constantly there at the same time. And like, I feel like I'm at the point now where I'm like, I know none of this is a mistake, like I didn't make a mistake coming out here and doing what I'm doing, but it's very much of like to God, it's just like how long? Like, how long is it gonna be like this? How far are you gonna take this? How long are you gonna take this? And like I saw this on TikTok, but like someone was saying, like, our God is a god of suddenlies, and it's so true, but all that time before that suddenly is hard, and

Less is more

SPEAKER_00 10:25

I can honestly feel the Lord being like less is more right now, which is hard because it that just goes against my flesh. But for example, when it comes to like doing outreach for my business, like there were a couple weeks where I was focused on like calling and then dropping off handouts, and then I feel like right now it's been focusing on like social media, but my flesh is like there's always more you could be doing, like you should be making videos every day, but like that's just not sustainable. But even like with this podcast, like my episodes, I feel like a lot of podcast episodes are 45 minutes to two hours, and mine are what like 15 to 30 usually. But yeah, I can just feel that I'm like, I need to be doing more, I need to be need to be posting more, I need to be making more content, I need my episodes to be longer, I need to be making more calls, I need to be making more handouts, like there's always more that I can be doing, but the Lord is telling me you're doing enough. And I just actually have to believe that and trust in him and trust that it is enough because in the perspective of like the world, it I know it doesn't look like enough, you know, like it just goes against everything we're taught growing up, you know what I mean, and in our society and just the overall like work culture, what I'm doing just goes against everything that we've been taught, and I think that's also why this makes it so hard and feel so lonely, even though like I know deep down, deep, deep down, everything is going to be fine and everything will work out, and like I know God is on my side and God only wants good for us, and I'm opening my heart and my life to him and allowing him to work. I had

God works with what we give Him

SPEAKER_00 12:44

a little like revelation this week where I was just like thinking with God, and I was like thinking about just like people who don't know him, but how I know he's still working in their lives as much as he can because God isn't pushy, but he pursues, but I could feel him being like, I can only work with whatever somebody gives me, and I mean what I'm doing is literally giving him like my livelihood with like my career and my income and like being able to support myself, like I'm giving that to him, so I know he's working in that, and I know he's going to bless me in that. But this period of just uncertainty is uh it's just hard, it's really hard. But yeah, even like the relaxing times, like when I went down to the beach, like it could feel like okay about it, and that God was like, No, go, like you're fine, go. But it's just so like your mind is very much of like, you shouldn't do that. Like, you need to be doing this, you need to be doing that. I don't know, I don't know. I who knows what he has planned, but I feel like right now

Quality over quantity

SPEAKER_00 14:10

he's definitely like I was saying, like that less is more. I feel like he's really having me lean into like having more of that balance of like, yes, obviously put your time and energy into these things, give your all, but that also doesn't mean you have to be doing them for hours and hours and hours each and every day. Like it's like it's like the idea of quality over quantity by resting and giving myself that time to by taking that time to rest and recharge and relax, I'm able then to show up with better quality work, effort, content. I won't be as exhausted and it won't feel like dreadful because when I show up, it doesn't, even though like I can feel I'll feel emotional about things like I did at the beginning of this episode. Like I don't necessarily dread coming and recording the podcast or editing the podcast or you know, calling places or taking handouts. Like I don't, I don't dread any of that stuff, and I don't want it to ever get to a place of that, and I think that's where God is like, well, then we really need to lean into resting, relaxing, taking that time for yourself so you can show up better when you do show up. But yeah, it's just hard because we're just taught you gotta grind and grind and grind, and that's the way that the world works, but that's not the way that God works.

Unlearning what the world has taught us

SPEAKER_00 15:40

And while like I know this is all so good, and like it's all gonna be worth it, it's just working out so many of these things that we've been taught our whole lives. It's going against everything we've known our whole lives. And as good as it sounds, because I know what it will be worth, it doesn't mean it's easy to work through what we've been taught that's wrong. I feel like this episode was a little all over the place, but hopefully you guys were able to like keep up and like connect the dots and stuff like that. But yeah, that's all I have for today, and I'll talk to you guys next week. Love you. Bye.