The grief is getting heavier

A griefy and emotional episode as I talk about how I've been feeling with my mom's 2 year anniversary coming up next week. 

Transcript

The new Meta glasses

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody. Okay, so today is my first time recording now that I have the ring light with my glasses on. So I'm kind of curious to see how this ends up looking and how it turns out. I guess we'll see after I record because I'm just leaving them on today. So it is what it is. But yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. Speaking of glasses, I don't know if anybody else has seen, but Kylie Jenner just came out with the meta AI glasses in like her style. And not necessarily her style that I want, but I am finding myself really wanting a pair of those. Which I I don't know if I ever would have, I don't know. I just don't know if I would have thought that before that I would want those. And I feel like they're not super popular, at least not yet. Um I tried them on months ago. This was back when I was still in Virginia. I tried them on, they had some at a Target, and I remember feeling kind of disoriented when I put them on. I remember it felt really weird. Um and I didn't like the way it made me feel. But I don't know. That was also just like less than five minutes of me trying them on. And I don't know. The more that I've like looked into them, I really think I would like a pair. Just because I'm like so over like experiencing life through my phone. And especially now that I'm starting to make content. I mean, I couldn't use it for here for the podcast, but like when I'm out and about, I'm very much of like I like to take pictures in the moment type thing of just like whatever I'm experiencing. I was talking about the glasses. Oh yeah. Just because like I'm very much of someone who likes to take pictures like in the moment of what I'm doing. And like even yesterday and today, I went down. Well, yesterday was actually my first time officially jumping in the lake and swimming in the lake since moving here. Um, so that was a little bucket list item that got to be checked off. Now I don't think I could wear them in the lake, like to jump in and like submerge in the lake. But after I jumped in, I went down to like the beach part and like went in and like went up to my neck. Um, and I remember just like being in the water and turning around and just seeing, like being in the water, seeing the water, seeing the beach and seeing the skyline behind me. And I was like, oh, like this is just one of those moments where I would be like, Hey Meta, take a picture. But it's so true though. Like that was one of those moments where I knew I would have like used something like that. Like, there's plenty of times where I would want to use something like that. And even like when I think of like future things that I want to do, like content-wise, especially for like my business and stuff like that, like it would be so much easier than my phone. And yeah, I mean, I think it would also just help. I mean, granted, just like with any technology, there's a line, but I feel like it might help to be in the moment. Like, for example, like at a concert, like I'm thinking, like, you just be like, Hey Meta, take a video. Hey Meta, take a picture, rather than like taking your phone out and watching through your phone. Like, I'm just so over that, you know. Um, yeah, I don't know. I like I really want a pair. They also just give cookie from Nuds to classified. Like that is what they make me think of. They're just cookies glasses, which that was like 15 years ago. 15, 20 years ago, so 15, 20 years later, cookies glasses are kind of becoming a thing. But speaking of metaglasses, I was, you know, as I've been thinking, I mean, I can't get them right now, just as I still don't have income. But um I was like, I don't think I've ever seen someone out and about just wearing these meta glasses. So I was volunteering on Friday, and I heard one of the other volunteers behind me say, Hey Meta. And I was like, is someone actually using these right now? And I don't know if it was like for math. I didn't hear like what he ended up asking it, but he was doing something in the fridge, and I'm like, hmm, interesting. It was just my first time seeing them out and about and in the wild. So yeah, I don't know. I guess they're maybe they're becoming more popular. I don't know, but anyways, I kind of want to pair.

I wish my mom knew me now

SPEAKER_00 4:47

So I feel like today's episode is mostly gonna be just talking about grief. I feel like next week's episode is gonna be too. Um, just with my mom's anniversary coming up, like the grief is definitely starting to feel heavier, and then I'm sure I'm gonna want to tell you guys about like how her actual anniversary was and how I was feel how I was feeling and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, yeah, we're just getting closer to two years, and it's just so weird and crazy to think about. I know I said this last episode, but just how much has changed in two years, and how she isn't here to see all this, and like, and I know people mean so well when they say this so well. And like, because I know it's true to an extent when they're like, no, but she does know you though, like, she's still watching and she's still seeing, and it's like, I know that, but it's it's not nearly the same. It doesn't really bring a whole lot of comfort, you know. And I don't want to say it's like I know it's trying to bring comfort in the moment, but like when I say mom doesn't know this version of me, she's not here to know this version of me. And like, that's a fact and that's the truth. I think also, you know, seeing how much has changed in the last two years, too, it's just showing that like

The world doesn't stop for grief

SPEAKER_00 6:24

life still goes on, even when something so big and tragic happens in your life. Like, my world stopped those first two weeks that she passed, where I was just at home laying on the couch every day. Like, literally, life stopped, and it was weird to think about like life is still going on outside of this right now, as I'm in the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with emotionally, but then it was like, okay, I have to get back, go back to work, and now we're here, like, life doesn't stop for grief. I do think the world needs to be better about making space for grief, though. Because while, yes, like still life still goes on, and like I'm so happy to be where I'm at now, in those early stages, that first whole year, I had to intentionally myself make space for it and allow myself to experience it and feel it and let myself cry because nowhere else in the world was giving me that space. I feel like emotions and difficulties and struggles are becoming more normalized to talk about and stuff like that, and I'm very open about my grief. Um, just because I know I'm not the only one who's gone through it or who's experiencing it, but because I feel so comfortable and okay with being open about it and talking about it. I look at all the people in my life who had experienced grief before I did of losing a parent. And I'm like, how did you do this? This is what you were going through? This is what you were going through, and just having to push it down and hide it, and this is the pain you were experiencing. It just is like really put things into perspective for me, too, of like what other people are experiencing, like deep down underneath, and just having to go through the motions.

Different types of grief

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Another thing, too, that I've kind of been thinking about and reflecting on through grief is like as I've been talking to people who have experienced loss in their own ways, whether that's like a breakup or a grandparent or a pet or like something like that, like that's still a loss, but it's different from you know losing a parent. I know I've seen like people on TikTok will say, like, you know, I don't like when people, you know, try to compare like losing their grandmother to me losing my parent. And I had the thought of like, yeah, I mean I understand, like they're too, they're two totally different things, but it's also like thank goodness that other person hasn't experienced this pain because the pain of losing a parent hurts so bad, and the only way that other person knows how to relate to the depth of the pain of losing a parent is through that lot that other type of loss that they've experienced in their life. Like, like I said, like a breakup or a pet or a grandparent or something

Mom made her presence known

SPEAKER_00 9:56

like that. Oh my gosh. Speaking of grief, I had it was like one of those little moments where I could just feel it was my mom in combination with God, like it's like they tag team and work together, um, giving me a little like sign in a way. But I was meeting with one of the girls from my Bible study, and we were getting coffee, and I was just sharing with her like how my mom had passed and the whole story be behind it all. And as I'm in the midst of telling her this story, Pearl Jam starts playing in the coffee shop. And I like stopped and I was like, Oh, like Pearl Jam is just so my mom. Like Pearl Jam was her ringtone at one point, or was it the ringtone? It was like the Verizon, like what ring backs, is that what they were called? Like when you'd call and you would hear music play. Hers was Pearl Jam. Um, so Pearl Jam always makes me think of her, and it was just one of those moments where I could feel the emotions and the grief coming up, but it was also like, I know that you are looking down on me, you know, and like kind of going back to that first point of you know, when people say, like, but your mom does know you, and it's like, I know she does, but I just miss that direct interaction with her. Of being to call her and visit her, and hug her, and spend time with her, I just never thought that I would be in my 20s without my mom. Like, I never would have thought that I would be experiencing grief like this at my age. Even

Grief TikTok

SPEAKER_00 12:00

today, this TikTok came up, and it was talking about like being the long-distance daughter, being away from your family, and how you wish you could show them all the things you're experiencing. And it was like specifically based in Chicago, and I sent it to my dad and my sister, and I said, This is how I feel about you guys and mom, because it is kind of like it feels long distance. For those of you that follow me on TikTok, you might have seen that I reposted a TikTok about this. It was this girl who was talking about the grief of losing her mom, and um, she was like, I know my mom's in heaven. She was like, but I just it makes me so curious about heaven. Like, what is my mom doing? Is she talking? Is she thinking about me as much as I think about her? And just like all these questions that come with losing a loved one. And it's just so relatable because dad, Faith, and I, especially when she first passed, but even now, like we would say, like, I wonder what mom's doing right now. And we would always say, like, she's probably at the pool, just like relaxing. But yeah, like it just makes me think, like, what is she what is she doing? I mean, something I feel like I can be is kind of somewhat sure of is that she is being a mom up there. I am pretty sure of that. And like I was telling the the

A little bit about my mom

SPEAKER_00 13:41

girl from my Bible study when I met with her, I feel like my mom's purpose almost was like just to be a mom. Like she was seriously the best mom. I mean, just like any mom and daughter relationship, like we would argue and we would fight, and I would get annoyed with her, but especially now, I mean, even before she passed, I was starting to really appreciate her for like who she was and how she raised Faith and I. But I mean, that's even more so after she's passed, and just with me getting older. But I just feel so grateful that my mom is my mom, and that I got the time I had with her because honestly, like I might have not because my mom had open heart surgery after shortly after Faith was born. So I was three, and this was like, you know, when my first memories are starting to develop, and I mean, she was literally a walking miracle. She had open heart surgery, she her aorta had torn. This was Easter morning of 2002, and it wasn't this big, just like event of like falling to the ground or anything. I mean, granted, this this is just from her telling me and my dad telling me from them being there because I don't remember. But she said she had pain going across her chest, around her back, and down her arm, and it ended up taking months and months and months for doctors to figure out what it was. So she was just walking around with a torn aorta, which to my under of to my understanding, like that's not really a thing. Usually it's like a pretty immediate thing when your aorta tore tears. Um so the fact that she was just walking around, I think it was for like six months with a torn aorta, and you know, survived open heart surgery and was able to recover, and we were to have her growing up. I mean, even that in itself is a miracle in its own. And I'm just so thankful that God let me have her for that time. And like, I remember dad when she first passed would make those comments a lot of like, you're lucky to have her for the time that you did, because you might not have based on like everything she went through. And like I understood what she was he was saying, and I was like, Yeah, you're right, but I don't know, just as more time passes, I'm like, oh my gosh, like no, like I we really could have lost her then, and like yeah, like my life and Faith's life would have been so different, but yeah, she was just the best,

And the type of person she was

SPEAKER_00 16:56

she was so supportive out of everything we did. She was so involved in dan in our dance. She l if we were there for class at the studio, she was there too just because she wanted to be there. She just took so much pride and joy in just watching us and being there with us, and like she was a big part of making that dance studio a home for not just me and my sister, but I know for so many other girls at that studio too. Like, she just took everybody under her wing. In a way that, like, she was not employed by that dance studio, but she would just do things because she wanted to help and because she enjoyed it, like, she would send music playlists, she would make music playlists and send them to dance team our dance teachers for inspo. And there's a bumper sticker she made for our dance studio, and she did a fundraiser one year, she did photography, like, and this was all just because she wanted to, she wasn't getting paid for any of this, like she just enjoyed it and she just loved it. And then some of my favorite memories with her are every summer, gosh, it was literally all freaking day. We would be there from the afternoon until the pool closed, and then we'd have swim team practice afterwards. But like that was the routine of like knowing we were going up to the pool and gonna be there all day, and like just doing and like doing that with mom and like spending all of our days with her. Like mom was just always my comfort growing up. I did not think I was gonna be crying, if I'm honest. Like, I knew we were gonna be talking about grief, but I've been feeling the grief a lot. But I don't know. Like, I've been thinking about it and feeling it, but I haven't necessarily like cried, I'd say the last week or so. Um but I was telling Faith, which if if you guys don't know, Faith is my sister. I don't I can't remember if I've been referring to her as my sister or Faith on here, but from going forward, Faith is my sister. So I was talking to Faith and I was telling her, like, gosh, it sucks that like mom had to pass, you know, in the summer because that's when everyone's out and having fun and like going to the pool and stuff like that. But I was like, you know, at least like we can celebrate mom with our favorite memories of her by going to a pool or like going to get ice cream. She loved Klein's ice cream for people from Harrisonburg, you know. But it was just like those small, it was like just those everyday things, not necessarily these big, extravagant things that remind me of her, but just her showing up and being there consistently in the everyday. As I got older and was learning more about like OCD and my anxiety. Like my mom was such a big support with that. So now I've been learning to like not have her as that support in my life. I could just go to mom about it. She wouldn't judge me, she would just support me, and she just made me feel so not alone. And she told me, I remember this was I don't know, less than a year before she passed. I called her when I was having a panic attack, and she told me that there was never a thought that I have that she hadn't had. Like she just got it and she just understood. But yeah, she had passed literally two weeks after my sister moved away for school. So it was sort of like once both of us had left home and like left our hometown. It was kind of like my job here is done. Like that's kind of what it felt like. Actually, that is what it feels like. But yeah, I

The soul ache that comes with grief

SPEAKER_00 21:40

just get so curious as to what her experience is now, like what her life looks like, what heaven is like. It's just like it's like a soul ache. That's the only way you know how to describe it. It's like the soul aches for more, I feel like, and like to be reunited with those we love, and like like we're not created to experience this. Like, death was never God's original plan. Death is the result of sin. We were not made to experience this, and that's why it hurts so much because death was not in the Garden of Eden, and then that just makes me appreciate God even more for coming down in our humanness and brokenness and sin and literally meeting us where we're at, and then experiencing that himself. Like, oh, that's just a whole nother can of worms that I don't think I don't think I can get into right now, but yeah, it just makes me appreciate him and just so thankful for his love, and just that we've got a good God, and yeah, like we have got such a good God, like better than we can even imagine, truly. Like, oh yeah, he's just so good. I think that's a pretty good note to end on that God is good, but yeah, yeah, so I'll talk to you guys next week. It already been officially two years, so I'll let you guys know how that day is and even the days leading up to it and stuff like that. But yeah. Alright, well, I'll talk to you guys next week. Love you. Bye.