Episode 22: Parenting that Builds Resilient Kids - Part 2

Raising resilient kids isn’t about making life easier—it’s about preparing them for it. In this episode, we take the next step in our parenting conversation and explore what it really looks like to build resilience in the hard, everyday moments. Because when we stop removing obstacles, we start raising kids who can rise.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome to the Become Unshaken Podcast, where we journey through the hard together. We're so glad you're here. Hello and welcome to the Become Unshaken Podcast. I'm Stephanie Rodriguez.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

And I am Michael Rodriguez.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

And today we are back with part two of raising resilient kids. Today we're focused on how strong kids don't come from easy lives. So we're going to continue the conversation that we first started. And I want to start by saying every parent wants to make life easier for their kids. I know I do. We want to protect them, help them step in before they struggle. But here's the truth we've had to learn, sometimes the hard way. If we remove every obstacle, we also remove the opportunity for them to grow. Because resilience isn't something we can give our kids. It's something they have to build. At Become Unshaken, the idea of fall, rise, repeat, one of our favorite sayings, doesn't start in adulthood. It starts in childhood. It starts in the moments when they don't get what they want, when things don't go their way, when they feel frustrated or disappointed or even uncomfortable. So today we're talking about what it really looks like to raise resilient kids, not perfectly, but intentionally. And disclaimer, we said this last time. We're not done raising our kids. No, we are. We are far from it. But we do think it's an important conversation to have with all of you because we're right in it with you, right? We're in the journey, we're in the middle of it, and we're we're learning as we go. And we've already learned a lot of important lessons that we think start some great conversations with other parents. And so we see it in our community here. So we wanted to bring it to the podcast today and can continue what we started. So are you ready to dive in, get vulnerable, talk about your childhood and talk about all that we've learned so far in parenting?

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Absolutely. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Okay, let's dive in. So let's start first with a question and reflection about where we started, right? Our childhood, because a lot of that did frame, you know, how we kind of considered our approach to parenting and even differently for both of us. So we're we're going to talk about that. But when you think about your own childhood, Michael, what experiences built your resilience the most?

SPEAKER_00 2:20

Yeah, I like your your opening to that, right? I mean, everybody listening has had parents, right? The the good, the bad, the ugly, the whatever it was. And I think it is undeniable that we are shaped and built one as individuals, who we are as a result of our parents. And we also then look at the way in which we parent through their same lens. Now, I've heard through friends and and, you know, they either want to do things just like their parents, or they'll say, I hated when my parents did this, and as a result, I'm going the totally different direction. I'll never do it the way that they did. And then you've got, you know, all of the unfortunate parenting stories of neglect or absence or loss and all of those things, right? So first and foremost, it's undeniable that we are shaped by our parents. And I think knowing that, I think it would be very short-sighted for us to not parent, recognizing that our children will be shaped by the way in which we parent. And so one thing I always say is we get into conversations with other parents and friends and family, and and as we begin to really bring some of this to light and to the world, is at the end of the day, I know that the way in which I parent, I very much have resilience at the forefront of my mind. I, you know, my kids are being raised in a significantly different, you know, economic background and household than I was, and then my parents were, and I'll be honest, that makes me incredibly scared for who they will become as adults, not having the everyday resilience building opportunity. And so it's something that I have always struggled with and always considered, which is how do I, in all of my love for my children and wanting to help their future best I can, how do I also build resilience without making life hard on purpose, almost in a like a vindictive way, right? Because they will not be raised the way I was in the in the household with some of the struggles that I did. And so much of my resilience, especially early on, was built by family trauma and you know, substance abuse uh by my father and all kinds of other abuse. And so without that childhood, right, which which was hard for me, but I also credit so many things about my resilience and my capacity and perspective on life, how do I then build that resilience in kiddos who know where their next meal is coming from and hear that I love them and get at least a hug, if not a kiss, three times a day? I mean, we pour our love out, and that is what we want. How do we look for opportunities to build resilience when they have more than I or we had as kiddos, right? And so that is the perspective, and that is kind of the viewpoint that I have when I consider parenting. And so I know we're gonna talk about strategies and you know, real-world applications and things like that. I also think it's important that the kids know that everything that we do is out of love. I mean, we have the direct conversation, you need to have resilience because mommy and daddy are not always going to be able to fix your problems. You are not the center of the universe, and other people are not going to bend over backwards to give you what you want and the manner in which and the time in which you want it. And so I always think it's important to preface these conversations with that perspective, right? We are hypothesizing and doing the very best we can. Our goal is to raise good adults, not good kids. And no matter what decisions we make, we always ensure that the children know this is only out of love, and this is only out of preparation for you to be a successful adult in the future. And so I think that's an important caveat to always have, no matter what you think or do, if you agree with the things that we're gonna talk about today or you don't. Whatever it is that you do believe, whatever it is that you are going to do at home, I always believe that it's important that we explain, yeah, this is not fun or this isn't comfortable, or the answer is no. But I'm doing that to build you up because you're gonna be going at 18. Yeah, you're gonna be on your own, and you're gonna have to start making these decisions yourself. And I'm telling you from experience, life isn't all about you and it's gonna get tough.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

Interesting. So if I had to reflect too on my childhood, and again, we've we've shared this before, right? We were we were raised in very different households, right? I didn't have the same pressures and and obstacles that you had, but I had a very, very demanding, I would say, oh my goodness, I don't know. I don't want to label my mother in any way, other than the most amazing life force and um role model of just anything is possible, strong, determined, ambitious, driven, just endless will to succeed. And I was able to observe that. So, no labels here, right? My my mother was the most amazing role model I could have asked for and taught me everything I needed to learn about work ethic. My father as well. But I think there's just this gravity, this pull that I have towards my mother. Again, that female connection, right? This nurturer, this really empowered woman and leader that I was able to kind of see as I as I would rise up. But but that bar that she set for me so, so, so, so high. So I would say I learned about perseverance, about drive, about and about resilience, I think, through this idea of you had to kind of give everything your all. And it didn't matter how hard it was, you got right back up and you tried again because you were going to succeed. There was no failure as an option offered to me in childhood. It was, it was win and succeed or nothing. So I do think that I learned a lot of those skills, but I did learn them through a lot of comfort and through a lot, I would say, of like grace and opportunity. I I think that I wasn't a child that wanted and didn't receive. So I'm very grateful for that and humbled by that. But it also, to your point about how it then like feeds into your mindset and your approach towards life and towards towards parenting, I can see the need to create the opportunities because my kids are even more comfortable than I was, right? And that a lot of that has to do with just how the world works today, right? So you have an iPhone or an iPad or, you know, anything is searchable and findable right now at a moment's notice, just by the touch of a screen, you can get anything you want. And that does feed into the mindset of I want it and I can have it now and I will have it now. But that's not how we want them to learn about life. So we have to create those moments. And so we we want to dive into how we create those moments and when to create those moments versus, you know, when to kind of step back. But but that's just a little reflection I have. It's not out of struggle, but I would say out of a high standard that in sometimes, in some ways, almost seemed unachievable. Just my perspective on life and how that that shaped me. But so we naturally want to step in and help our kids, right? We we talk about this all the time, but how do we know when to step in versus step back versus you know us help them solve something versus letting them solve it themselves, all in the hopes, right, of getting them to a place where they really do embrace fall, rise, repeat. So what do you think about that? And then I'll I'll offer my thoughts too.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Yeah, I I mean, first and foremost, you know, the time to step in is when they are in actual trouble, right? Physical trouble, you know, they're gonna get hurt or they have gotten hurt. Obviously, we're jumping in there immediately to either check or to protect or to stop or to calm down or whatever it is. And then you also have the moments where kids will just lose their minds emotionally and really cannot self-regulate and are are are needing just some kind of intervention, a hug, yes, some breathing, right? Just okay, we're not going to address this this very moment. Right now, we're gonna first soothe and calm, and then we will talk, right? I think that's the time for direct and immediate intervention and protection as a parent. Uh, but the reality is I think we really subscribe to in the heat of the moment, look, look me in the eyes. It's gonna be okay, figure it out. And you know, when I think about all the sports that our kiddos play, right? I mean, you know, we've got a pitcher, and if he gives up a couple of runs, his face lets you know exactly what he's thinking, right? And as a younger kiddo, his mouth would, right? And his tears would. And you know, when those moments occur, it wasn't, hey, time out, ref, or time out on let me go out here and give hugs and do all those things. It was maybe a quick trot out there and say, I understand you're upset. Now is not the time. You still got a job to do. We gotta get it done. Let's do it, bud. And you know, that then doesn't mean that it gets swept under the rug, right? It means at this very moment, we're gonna calm down, we're gonna regulate because we still need to get outs, we still need to make a shot, we still need to hit, we still need to do something. You're still in the game, you're still in the game. The game is not over.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

The game. Oh my gosh. Sorry, you just sparked a I feel like a metaphor for life, right? It is a constant, infinite, you know, series of matches and games. I think Simon Sinek actually wrote a book, The Infinite Game. I read a a while back that that speaks to this. It doesn't ever end.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

No, it never does. I mean, until our final day, yeah, you are playing the game. And, you know, that is a mentality I think that everyone should have. And the reality is this life will make you cry, games will make you cry, things will hurt, things are difficult. It is never over. Right. And and in these instances and in sporting events, yeah, the game can be over, but not the season. And if the season's over, well then there's next season, right? And and it's only another opportunity. And so, you know, there's intervention where we stop, and then there's a kind of intervention where you teach and then let go, right? And you stabilize and then you walk away. And I think the more that we do that, the better, right? And you know, it's it's funny. And just talking about this, we we you brought up this story, and you know, my dad was never an athlete. He didn't know much about sports, didn't care much about sports. But there was a moment I was playing, I think it was a third or fourth grade all-star game, maybe fifth grade even. And I'm in this all-star basketball game, and I didn't score a point. And I had been taken out of the game, and I thought I wasn't gonna get back in, and I began to cry. And my dad, again, who knows nothing about sports, he still saw you crying. He saw me crying. He got up from the sidelines, walked across the court in the middle of the game, looked me in the eye, and said, Cut it out. And, you know, now, if I would have done that, I would have followed up after the game with some support and understanding. You know, my dad just told me that was the expectation, you better cut that out of my nose.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

That's acceptable. Yeah, we're not doing that.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

But you know, even then, it was knowing nothing about the sport, the knowing that something was going on with me that was unnecessary, right? This huge emotion over a game, over an all-star game, over a showcase. He knew, okay, that's not an appropriate response or reaction right here, right now. Let me go address it, right? And and so I think you do those things as a parent. Again, always out of love. And we are very good, and we would always suggest that when you parent in the heat of a moment, to always follow up when tensions and emotions are now more relaxed, right? But a lot of times, as we're teaching these kiddos, you stop bad behavior when you see bad behavior, you stop behavior that can spiral and snowball in the wrong direction. And then you teach when everyone's more calm, right? And so, you know, you step in to protect safety, physical safety, and any other kind of safety and the heat when necessary. But other times I think our job is really to come in, change the the tempo or change the the feel, and then walk away. It's not, let me come in here, intervene, hold your hand the whole way through this, and here we are. It's hey, boom, do this. This is what we're working on. We'll talk about it later. Figure it out. You're not done, you got it, move away.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

You're keeping them in the game. Yeah, that's what you're doing. So you you brought up a couple of things.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

I'm sorry. Yeah. Without playing the game for them.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

Exactly. I think well said, you're never actually taking that ball from them. They they are still in full control. You're just helping them stay mindset-wise in the game. I think that's a really, really important distinction. So, a couple things I want to reflect on. You mentioned love. And so I want to start there. I think when our our kiddos tie our love and our affection to their ability to succeed or win, there's a problem. Right. So my my parents will show me love and appreciation if or when I win the game or if I win the championship, or, you know, if I get max playing time. Like, no, if I get a hundred on my test, right? If I look amazing, right? And I, you know, for this event that we have as a family, like, you know, if I if I put on the the right outfit and I and I and I show up the right way, if if our love is tied to something in their minds, we have failed. That's something that I I learned in my in my childhood. It's absolutely something I bring into parenting today. And it's something that I keep where you keep resilience very much at the forefront, and I do too. I think that's the other thing that's right there next to it, side by side.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Is the difference between conditional and unconditional love?

SPEAKER_01 17:46

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Or conditional praise.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

We can say we love them unconditionally, but they also learn from our behavior. So if if more is given and more is earned when that achievement is there, right? When that championship has been won, or when that great grade has come home, or straight A's is what's rewarded and and not the effort behind it, then to me there's there's a there's a challenge and there's a problem. And I think the way that you you measure whether that's true is if is if they failed, if they, in a way, right, quote unquote, if on paper they didn't win, but they come out of that saying, I'm pretty proud of myself for this, or I'm pretty proud of myself for that, for for how I showed up or how I led my team or something like that. And they can they can distinguish between that outcome and their effort or the impact they had as a team member or, you know, uh an individual participating in something. And they know you're gonna be proud of them too. I do think that that matters. I think that's a measure of of whether or not they know that that's gonna be acceptable in your eyes. So that's that's one thing from a perspective of love, since you brought that up that I wanted to touch on. I also want to bring up maybe a different perspective outside of sports. What I have learned, the lessons I have learned through parenting is in academics, right? Because I didn't play a lot of sports growing up, but I did apply myself at school and always had a very high bar for myself, set first by, of course, my parents, but but definitely embraced by me. And I will, I would say when the kids wake up in the morning and they say, I forgot to do my homework, or I didn't realize this paper was due or something is due, I don't scramble to try and help them fix it. They have to own it. At that point, I don't step in, I absolutely step back, where I think my natural inclination would be to help them figure it out. That's something I force myself to step away from as a parent to say, nope, you have to own your decisions. If you chose to play or do something, you know, that wasn't the objective and you miss this opportunity to show up the right way with your responsibilities. You need to own that, right? Your uniform wasn't taken out of your bag and to be able to be clean. You're gonna have to own that. That's right.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

You're gonna stink on this next BMW.

SPEAKER_01 20:07

I'm not gonna scramble. Now, have there been times where I've left the field to go back and get the bat or the mitt that was left behind? Yes, yep, I have. But as they get older, that's gonna be less and less common because it will be a more learned, a better experience for them that will be ingrained in their minds if they were forced to deal with that situation as they chose to show up versus if I go and fix it for them every time.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

100%. And, you know, in those scenarios, right? Uh I I left my glove at home and I've got a baseball game in nine minutes. Okay, I'm gonna fix this for you, but also there's a repercussion for failing to show up prepared and ready to do what you need to do, right? And so that's the other thing is it's not even about punishment, it's about teaching the real world response to being unprepared for whatever it is you need to be. You don't bring your wallet to the store or the restaurant, you're in trouble. Yeah, you don't get groceries, we're not just gonna give you food because you left your money at home. Now you gotta go get it yourself, right? I mean, there are penalties for not fulfilling your obligations or or being prepared or whatever it is. And so, again, it's also about when when there's a mistake made, it is recognized, not drilled on, not hammered over the head, but as a result, this is the repercussion of that of that decision or lack thereof.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

I didn't I didn't want to cut you off earlier. Did you use the example of bringing your money to the grocery store? I just want to make sure everyone knows that our kids don't have to pay for their own grocery.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

Yeah, no, no, I'm talking about as an adult, right? So, so us as an adult, if if we go somewhere without our money, no one's giving us Food, right? Yeah. We're not we can do those things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Just clarifying for the the listening audience here.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Yeah, no. If if uh child number five, if the six-year-old wants honey nut Cheerios, he better pony up.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

If he didn't bring his coupon, that's not gonna no, definitely not. That's funny. You brought up something else that I wanted to dive into a little bit deeper, which is about managing emotions, right? And so I do think this is such an important skill as parents that we talk about and we we reflect on often is how do we teach our kids to manage their emotions without shutting them down? Because the the last thing we want in the spirit of building resilience is to then create a completely different problem where they feel like their emotions and their feelings don't matter, right? Because then they get into troublesome, you know, relationships as an adult, right? Where they become more passive or accepting of a partner's behavior and and minimize their own needs and feelings. And we don't want that either. So, so how do we, if you wanna, if you want to start first and I'll I'll jump in, how do we teach our kids to manage emotions without shutting them down?

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Yeah, again, I'm a huge fan of you need to explain so much. I'm a huge fan of explaining to the kids what I am seeing, what I am thinking, the reason that I make the decisions or say or do the things that I do. And and so I explain it. But then when it comes to, you know, we've said it on this podcast, a number of podcasts, we say it all the time. You are allowed to feel all of the feelings. When you say that, you have to mean that. So when a kiddo is crying over something that is minute, I need to acknowledge that, okay, they are sad about it. Get it. I acknowledge that you are sad. Let's talk about this in the grand scheme of things, but you're still allowed to be sad. You're still allowed to cry. And I think, you know, I'm the resilience guy, I'm I'm pretty tough. I don't know that the kids see that side of me a lot. And so if I don't go out of my way to say it's okay to cry, I don't want them to inadvertently think that uh if you're a grown-up or if you're a daddy or husband or a grown man that you don't get to cry, right? You know, you get to, you get to be sad. Daddy is sad. I get sad, right? That happens.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

That's I can't watch a movie without crying, so yeah. Right. 100% exactly.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

And so, you know, when we say those things to them, you have to mean it.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Because if you don't mean it, they will pick up on it and whatever you say won't matter, right? I I very much am a big proponent or big fan and believer in walk the walk, right? But but I'm also a huge fan of first talk about it. And so you get to feel all the feelings, but now let's talk about why you felt that way. We had a kiddle come have a tough game just this last week, very upset. And I did not say don't cry, I did not say don't be sad. I said, let's calm down, look at me, talk to me. What what are you feeling? Why are you crying? And that in and of itself got them to really think about not just I don't like that this happened. We got into what they thought it meant for their future ability to perform or future opportunities within this team, right? And all of a sudden you recognize, okay, it wasn't just this one moment. We're not worried about how this is gonna play out long term, right? And you begin to address those things, but then they learn to not just see what they feel on the surface, but to dive deep, right? What do we say? Take time and silence. Now we can't tell the kids, kiddos, please take time and silence. Yeah, but we can say I see you're sad, I see you're mad, I see you're frustrated. And we use those words, right? Because they're they're different and they mean different things. Why? And let's talk about it, right? So the intervention we have is not removing the problem, right? More than anything, it's helping them diagnose the issue that is generating these emotions. Because again, the emotions are not the problem. No, we want to address what it is that's bringing those out. And and with kiddos, listen, guys, with kiddos, it's tough. And we've got six kiddos. One or two of them will say, you know, mommy, daddy, I would love to discuss how I'm feeling right now. And we just want to be so open and honest. And I've really been thinking about this for a long time, right? And then we got other ones who are like, is everything okay? And they're like, Yeah, I'm good. Right. And so when they're clearly not. When they're clearly not. And so you really need to pull it out and you need to take that time to be present and to be persistent, right? And and then we got other kiddos like, I feel like something's wrong. No, nothing's wrong. Why do you think something's wrong? Right. And then we're open and honest. Well, you seem rather combative. You've only said two words and they weren't nice, you know, like so. Let's talk.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

Normalizing the fact that we can talk about our emotions and reflect on them. I think, I think what you're also saying is there's a difference between emotions and behaviors. And that's the other thing is when we try to help kids at at different ages manage their emotions, it's making sure they understand that the emotions do vary. To your point, they're they are different and there's always a reason behind them, and they're all okay. All of them are feel all the feels. However, the behavior that that then follows isn't always acceptable. So you can be sad, mad, frustrated, or angry, but that does not mean that you can cry and slam the door in your brother's face or in mine, right? You can't throw something, you can't walk away, you can't do the things that then put others or yourself in any in any predicament or or you know, situation where it's it's not safe or downright disrespectful. So there is a standard in terms of behavior that does not change, but emotions are here and let's deal with them.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Yep, and they're allowed. And, you know, boy, you said something else there, and I wanted to jump in on that. Oh, that when it's in when you're in the heat, right? You take all this time outside of the heat of the issue, right? Outside of the game, outside of the event, outside of the moment, right? But you are building constantly this relationship of understanding, and you're constantly building so that you don't need to try and catch up to 10 years of non-conversation in a moment, right? When they go off to college and they get a D and they can't imagine it, and now all of a sudden you've got no foundation for conversation, right? And so I think that's something I always try to emphasize, especially to a lot of the men that I know and a lot of you know my buddies. Many men have the same story. Uh, my dad never really talked to me, and we didn't have a lot of conversation, we didn't, you know, really bond in that way, and so I really don't know what to do and how to do it, you know, and to the men, especially, there is something incredibly powerful about a daddy and husband who speaks and not just the weather and sports. Daddies ask your children how they're doing. Ask your wife how she's doing, right? And mean it and listen. So much in the resilience of our kids will come down to the everyday what feels mundane, repetitive, and at times seems pointless. Like, we're going on a second teenager. There are times where you actually feel like that teenager has regressed 15 years in what they're giving back and what they're willing to hear, and in the way in which, you know, 10, 11, 12, they're so sweet. Oh, we're really getting it. They're really, they're almost there. And then they take a 50% regression for I don't know how many years we'll see, right? And still love them to death. Those conversations don't stop because they feel one-sided. And listen, guys, you know, and uh everyone, listen, they will feel one-sided. Sometimes they will be. You do it so that whenever they come out of whatever's going on, they can always look back and say, Well, mom and dad, they're still trying.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

They were still there.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Consistency, right? And then that's what you learn about relationships is the importance of consistency. And that's what you then expect from everyone in your tribe, friends, right, co-workers, spouses, family members. You just become now aware of whether or not someone is consistent in your life. And that matters when you're trying to maintain that muscle of resilience. It matters who's around you, who's consistent, and uh, and what you expect from them.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

And it also matters in that, you know, and how this started was when you have that relationship and that experience and that practice outside of the heat of the moment, it's what allows you in the heat of the moment to get the trust from your kiddos for them to just look at you and understand, okay, we got to do this. The last episode we talked about the airport, and I kiddo falls on the conveyor belt. And my response isn't, oh, sweetie, honey pie, are you okay? It was get up. When you say get up and you mean it, or you say, We're gonna talk about this after the game, you need to go out there and just get it done. You're able to do that in heat to snap them out of it because there's that trust. And then you followed up, not with disappointment. I'm disappointed at you for crying in the game. No, it's tell me why. All right. And next time that situation comes about, this is how I want you to respond. This is what I want you to say to yourself. This is what I want you to think, this is what I want you to cheer on your teammates for, right? Those kinds of things. And it is all encompassing. This parenting is all-encompassing. You can't teach resilience without love. You can't seek opportunities to not make things easy, right? Which can be construed as by your kiddos, as making something harder than it needs to be. Dad, all you gotta do is get in the car and you can go get me an ice cream. I don't understand why you don't just hop in the car, stop whatever you're doing, go get me what I want, right? When I say no, they need to know I'm doing it because the world doesn't revolve around them. But no matter what, I love you, and I think this is what is best for you, and that's why I do it. But it's you can't teach hard lessons without the love and the support being a guaranteed. Stephanie just talked about it. Unconditional love. I will love you no matter what great thing you do or what you know unacceptable or disappointing or sad thing that you do. I love you no matter what. That is the anchor that allows us to parent and parent well and parent hard and teach resilience.

unknown 34:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

So we we've already talked about some really great real life parenting moments, right? So they don't make the team, they struggle with schoolwork, they even want to quit something hard, right? So instead of stepping in and fixing all of it, we help them manage their emotions and we let them feel the disappointment they might feel in that moment. It's okay to feel those feelings, but then we we encourage the problem solving, right? The next step, how they're gonna rise because it's gonna happen again, right? So the more they can learn that in how we role model ourselves and how we we kind of face life, but then help them face whatever challenge they're facing, that's how they're learning to build that muscle early. So we really do encourage you, let them let them struggle, obviously with safe boundaries. That's that's the tell. That's how you know whether or not I really need to step in here or not. Praise the effort and not just the results, right? Because we want to normalize effort over outcome. We want to make sure that they know that rising in the midst of failure or or the potential for failure is what's so important and what will separate them from others. And that emotional language is so important, right? So we're we're talking about normalizing the fact that emotions are okay. Sometimes, especially if they're young kiddos, they need help with that language. So that's why I love that you talked about the why and talked about the conversation. They might not actually know which emotion they're feeling, and we might help them figure that out because that's a way for them to get really healthy and safe and positive when they consider feeling all the feels as a young child, because then they they have a really, really, I think, positive relationship with their feelings then as adults.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

Well, and you know, we talk about we were talking about, you know, when do you step in and when do you not? The other reality is it's okay to let our kids feel disappointment. Right? So when a kiddo doesn't make the team, we had a kiddo try out for a team, didn't make it. My response was not, well, that coach doesn't know what he's talking about. Well, that's ridiculous. You should have. No, no, no. I I could have done that to soften the blow. I could have blamed everybody else. Oh, well, you know, maybe your shoes weren't good enough, or maybe maybe the gym temperature wasn't perfect, and the ball was this or that was too heavy or too light, or the the other players weren't playing well enough to showcase what you could do. You can make all those excuses. No, that's not what I said. I said, okay, I'm sorry you feel that way. I mean, we're talking heartbreak. What are we gonna do? How are we gonna respond? Right? My job as a daddy in that moment was not to make them feel better about it. It was to allow that kiddo to accept reality, which was you didn't get what you wanted, and now accept you have a choice. You will work harder, practice more, and try out again next year, and we'll see what happens, or you quit. Let's go with the first option, right? And so I think it's so important also, because we think about stepping in, physically stepping in. I think we can also really do a disservice to our kiddos if we soften every emotional blow. Jimmy on the playground was mean to me. It's not my job to go over to the playground and be mean to little Jimmy or Jimmy's parents, right? Kiddos have to accept that some people are not going to be kind, and you can seek to understand why little Jimmy had a bad day. You can say, hey, something might be going on in Jimmy's life that's got him upset. And so let's have a little understanding, a little grace. That little kiddo might be going through something.

unknown 38:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Bottom line is you just said something important too, which is about choice. Either way, whether Jimmy's going through something or not, our kiddo has a choice. So then the question back to them is, what do you think you should do? Right. So many parents, my myself included, would think to try to solve it in some way, shape, or form, tell them, well, don't talk to Jimmy. Go to another person and play, do go to another playground, read a book, whatever. But then we're problem solving for them and they don't learn how to rise instead of solving it or even giving them options and telling them to pick one. Again, I have to relearn this every single day because I always think I have an answer that that might help you. Doesn't matter if I have the answer when I'm not going to be with them the rest of their lives. They need to come up with options A, B, and C themselves. So the better question is what do you think you should do?

SPEAKER_00 38:53

That's right. And again, not shielding them from disappointment and heartache. And again, softening blows does not help. It cannot always be someone else's fault or someone else's mistake or something else. It's not going to be someone else's responsibility. When something terrible happens to me in life, I need to deal with it. Now I've got my tribe, right? And we hope everyone has their tribe. I've got you, I've got my mother, I've got a couple friends, you know, of people that I can go to and they can lift me up and help lift me up. But many times, those in my tribe don't have the answer or the capacity to fix the problem. And so just as you said it, whether the problem is a physical one or an emotional one, you're allowed to feel all the feels, you're allowed to experience all the things that you are. But we cannot, as parents, fix and protect and shield and make it soft and easy and happy all the time because eventually our ability to do that will stop.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

Do you know? Do you know where I do it though? I'm gonna be really honest. Please do. You are you actually already know this though. I do it at bedtime. That's where I get to just dive in and I'm no longer building resilience. I'm getting super close. I'm getting all the cuddles and I'm getting all the love, talking about how the day went, talking about their wins, talking about what didn't go so well, but that's where I'm getting the snuggles, and that's where I'm giving them like the sweet comfort that I can give them when I can, right? So I say that in jest, but but that's where I do it, right? I do it in those moments where I get the the the snuggles after school and the hugs and the this, all those things. But it's not at the time where I know they need to figure something out in their own head that will make them stronger in the end. Yeah. So you get those moments still. It's not that, it's not that we're taking all that way away and stripping all of that that joy and that those sweet moments away. It's it's in those moments where you think you're providing the value by fixing something that you're actually you're actually doing them an injustice because you're you're not letting them figure that out and have an amazing teachable moment.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Yep. And I don't remember, I I think it was just in the last episode or maybe two ago with Perseverance. The opportunity to love on your kiddos is endless.

SPEAKER_01 41:26

Endless. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:27

Right. So you know, you like to do it at bedtime. Whenever, whenever you feel like grabbing your kiddo and saying, Yeah, man, I love you. I love you, I love you with all my heart. And and I, you know, I will do anything for you. And and you do all those things, and and I'm always there for you. Those opportunities are endless. And so, really, what we're trying to encourage is when life deals our kiddos something hard in the relative sense or literal sense. You know, kiddos deal with a lot of things. If it is not going to seriously injure them in this very moment, resist the parental desire to just jump on that grenade or protect or bulldoze everything out of the way, and try to just help them acknowledge how they're feeling and work through it themselves.

SPEAKER_01 42:25

Okay, before we close, I I want you to tell one more story.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

Oh, okay. What story?

SPEAKER_01 42:31

You're not gonna know until I tell you, so I'm gonna tell you. You ready? Yeah. Okay. He has no idea. Yeah, I do this all the time. He has no idea. I would love for you to tell the story of when you were I don't know, I forget how old you were, but you were, we'll just say, coming home after a really rough night, and you left your car or your mom's car.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

Oh, this is the story you remember.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

And she she had you go get it. Tell tell that story. That's resilience. That's your mom not letting you off the hook easily.

SPEAKER_00 43:02

What an absolute bomb to drop on me to close this out.

SPEAKER_01 43:07

Close this out with that story.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

One of my finest life moments. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. So I had a rather long night with uh, I don't know, probably 200 of my closest buddies. And it resulted in me getting a ride home responsibly and leaving my mom's car, who whose car I borrowed to get to this uh great time. And the next morning, it must have been 6 15. I'd I'd woken my mom up in the middle of the night. She absolutely knew uh that I was up doing things I was not supposed to be doing. And so I I would almost imagine that she set an alarm, uh, walked into my room probably at 6 45 a.m. and said, So where's my car? And I was like, Well, it's where I left it. And she said, Better go get it. Yeah. This is pre Uber. I walked like five miles to go at 7 a.m. feeling absolutely awful to go get this car. And yeah, I mean, well done, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 44:13

That was a master class.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

Done.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Yes. Masterclass of building resilience in your kids that I thought would be a perfect way to end.

SPEAKER_00 44:22

Yeah, that is. Wow. I'm gonna think of some of your stories, and I'm gonna have you tell thousands of people those things. But but this is what I'll say too, right? Is I can look back at that and I can just nod my head and go, yeah, that's absolutely that's the least of what I should have had to have done, right? And the only way that you have the perspective like that is if that muscle of resilience has been built. And what we want is we want each one of our kiddos, each kiddo everywhere, to be dealt something that is tough, whether they did it to themselves or life, which it inevitably does, dole something out. And we want them to be able to look at it and go, This is terrible, this is sad, this is unfair, this is hard, whatever it is, and I'm allowed to feel those things. But I have become so resilient that I get to choose hope, that I get to choose joy, regardless. That is what we are seeking to build within our family. It's what we're seeking to build within our kids, right? Resilient kids. It is what we are aiming for every person that we come across now to know that no matter where you are and how you feel, whether you're two years old or you're 102 years old, you can make choices and decisions that are free and yours to make every single day to build resilience, that discipline, that patience, that perseverance, that hard work. You can make those choices and choose joy no matter what. That is what we're seeking to do. Let's give our kiddos the same opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 46:21

Well said. And way to close this out. That was perfect. So thank you all for joining us today. We are we are gonna close by just reminding you that our job as parents is not to remove every hardship, it is to prepare our kids to face it. Michael just said it beautifully. We want to help them understand that failing isn't failure, it's part of becoming stronger. And if they can learn that early, if they can learn to fall, rise, and try again, then we haven't just raised good kids, we've raised resilient ones. And that might be the greatest gift that we can leave our kiddos. So thank you again for joining us. We want to remind you to not just listen to these podcasts, but download them. Every time you download, it helps us reach more listeners. So please download, listen, and share. And don't forget to visit us on social. We'd love to hear from you. We'd love to start a conversation with you. And lastly, I'll say and remind you that we do have our book available, Become Unshaken. Joy Regardless is available now at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and even Target. Target just picked us up.

SPEAKER_00 47:31

Yes, they did.

SPEAKER_01 47:32

Fantastic. So go out and get a copy, not only for yourself, but for a friend. And we can't wait to have another conversation with you soon. Have a great day.

SPEAKER_00 47:41

Everybody, take care.

SPEAKER_01 47:43

We're so glad you joined us today. If you found inspiration through today's episode, share it with a friend and make sure to follow so you don't miss what's ahead. Until next time, choose joy, regardless, in whatever comes your way. See you next week.