Helping Red Feel Safe: A Story of Sacrifice and Joy with Melissa Bell

🎥 This episode is also available in video format on Spotify. 

What happens when the puppy you carefully prepared for enters the world already afraid?

In this episode, I’m joined by Melissa, guardian of Red, a Goldendoodle who showed intense sensitivity and fear almost immediately after coming home. Melissa had done everything she thought she was supposed to do: researched breeders, arranged professional training and prepared for thoughtful socialization. Still, Red struggled with ordinary sounds, changes in his environment, unfamiliar people and the constant feeling that something might go wrong.

Melissa shares the turning point that came when Red was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and she was told that she had become his “emotional support human.” That validation gave her permission to stop racing against an imaginary deadline and begin treating their life together as a marathon.

We talk openly about behavioral medication, separation anxiety, careful socialization, caregiver stress and the difficult decisions that come with protecting a dog whose needs may not be obvious to others. Melissa also explains how journaling helped her recognize two distinct sides of Red: “Security Guard Red,” who monitors the world for danger, and “Explorer Red,” who is curious, loose and ready to engage.

Through nose work, pattern games, predictable language, carefully chosen environments and a deep understanding of Red’s body language, Melissa has learned how to help the explorer appear more often.

This conversation is about much more than dog training. It is about grief, adaptation, advocacy and learning to build a meaningful life with the dog in front of you. Even while talking about the very real challenges of caring for deeply sensitive dogs, Melissa and I found plenty of moments to laugh at the strange, unexpected, and sometimes absurd parts of daily life with them.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Recognizing early signs of extreme fear in a puppy
• Generalized anxiety disorder in dogs
• Behavioral medication and veterinary behavior support
• Separation anxiety and safe caregiving arrangements
• Subtle canine stress and communication signals
• Nose work, pattern games, play and social referencing
• The value of talking to sensitive dogs
• Guardian burnout, physical health and emotional strain
• Releasing perfection and measuring progress differently

About Melissa Bell

Melissa Bell is an elementary educator and lifelong dog lover who has spent eighteen years living with and learning from two dogs with fear, anxiety, and aggression. Through years of working alongside veterinary behaviorists, trainers, and other canine professionals, she developed a passion for understanding generalized anxiety disorder in dogs and advocating for them.

Melissa loves connecting with other guardians who are walking the often messy, emotional, and rewarding path of raising dogs with special behavioral needs. She hopes that by sharing Red's story, the struggles, the lessons, the setbacks, and the moments of unexpected joy, other owners will feel supported and a little less alone.

If you want to connect with Melissa, you can email her at explorerdogcommunity@gmail.com

Connect with Shy Dog Diaries

Instagram: @shydogdiaries
Email: pod@shydogdiaries.com

Transcript

Red's Story

Melissa 0:00

And so I kind of discovered what I call security guard red, where he's monitoring the environment, you know, hyper-vigilant, maybe stuck, frozen. Is this dangerous? Is this safe? And then the other phase, when he's at the beach, he's like an explorer and he's happy. And so I've kind of used these two analogies to think, okay, which red am I seeing? Is this explorer red or is this security guard red? And if it's security guard red, what do I do to help him transition to explorer red?

Samara 0:39

Ever wonder what's really going on behind your dog's big feelings? And how to actually help them feel safe and thrive? Well, you're in the right place. This is Shy Dog Diaries.

Meet Melissa and Red

Samara 0:53

Today I'm joined by Melissa, who is here to share the story of her sensitive dog Red. Like so many of us, Melissa and her family had to learn, adapt, and change parts of their lives to help their dog feel safer in the world. Melissa, welcome to Shy Dog Diaries. Thank you. I'd love to just get right in there by getting to know Red a little bit. Can you tell us who he is, how he came to your family, and what you remember most about those early days with him?

Melissa 1:30

Yeah, sure.

Chance and Lessons Learned

Melissa 1:31

So Red's story actually sort of begins with my previous dog. I had a previous dog, his name was Chance. He was a Cava poo. Um and he lived 15 and a half years. He was a wonderful family dog, except he was aggressive with people and with other dogs. And when he was about nine months old, that's when his aggression surfaced. And at that time, I'd had previous dogs, and none of them had ever had any issues with aggression. Um, and it just really bowled me over. I didn't know what to do. This dog is just losing it with reactivity, snapping at people as we walk by, and um it's really stressful. So kind of fast forward, I got him help with a vet behaviorist, and we learned how to manage his life, and he lived 15 and a half beautiful years, um, but very a very small life, right? Very confined.

Choosing a Goldendoodle

Melissa 2:32

Um, my son, who is now 14, I think, at the time, wanted a fun dog. You know, my dog passes away, and he's like, Can we please get a big, goofy, drooling, swimming, fun dog mom? Um, and I remember like when he was little, he'd want to walk our dog, but he could never hold the leash, right? Because I always had to keep him under um tight control. So I really wanted this for him. I wanted him to have this opportunity to have just a fun dog. So he wanted a poodle, a retriever, or a lab. Um, and so my husband's not a big fan of shedding, so we decided to go with a golden doodle. Um, so we I researched breeders, I put a lot of work into this. I always felt like with my first dog, that that was my mistake, wasn't researching my breeder hard enough and thoroughly enough. So I really worked on that. Talked to the breeder extensively about my previous dog and what I was looking for in a puppy. Um, had really good conversation with her, and so then we got we got red,

Early Signs of Fear

Melissa 3:44

and when I picked him up, he was just very stoic, is the best word I use for to describe him, just very emotionless. Um, kind of his nickname, we call him his Eeyore because he just kind of stands there looking a little gloomy. There wasn't that normal, like puppy, wiggly body, exploratory behavior. It's just you're holding him and he's just still. Um, not necessarily cowering, which kind of made it hard to figure out what was going on with him. Uh, that does happen, and that came later, but at first it was just very stoic, emotionless, um, not knowing how to inter engage with the world. Um, so we brought him home, and you know, first day, I get it, you're tired. It's it's been a travel ordeal. But by the second day, he started to show extreme fear of like the environment, like he wouldn't explore the house. Um, TV sounds were terrifying to him, and it just didn't seem quite right to me. Um, I know that puppies can go, um, well, there's a lot of talk about fear periods, and people have different feelings about that, but this did not feel like a fear period. Um, it felt like something, something different.

Samara 5:10

And there's that moment where you say, gosh, please let this be a fear period, right? You're like, you're resting all your hopes on everything at that point because I know I was doing that too. Yeah.

Melissa 5:20

Yeah.

Socialization Pressure

Melissa 5:21

So we kind of went on, and luckily I'd set up um an appointment with a professional trainer before he came home. Like I was ready. This I read the puppy books, the socialization, I was I was so ready. I had my private lesson with my professional trainer because I wanted to make sure the socialization went well. Because with my previous dog, and this also happened with Red too, but there's a lot of talk and guilt that gets put on the owner of you under-socialize this dog. That's why you have your problems. You over-socialized your dog. That's and it's like you can't win. You've either under-socialized them or over-socialize them. And so from the get-go with red, I was like, I'm gonna bring in professional help to make sure this socialization goes well because I don't know what went wrong with my last dog and what happened exactly, but I didn't want a repeat of that experience. Um, so met with a professional trainer, we went over socialization, how to do it properly, not overdo it, not underdo it, trying to get it, you know, just just right.

First Big Reactivity

Melissa 6:29

And Red just started to have really big fear reactions. Um, 10 weeks old, he starts growling at um, I'm holding him, and a jogger just goes in front of my house and he growls. And I'm like, oh, okay, that doesn't feel good. Talk to the trainer. She's like, it's okay, like you just work on that, that thing with him. You know, the next week he he learns he finds his barking voice. It's huge. He has a big, scary, I call it a big, scary man bark. And you know, 12, 11, 12 weeks old, we heard him in the backyard. We're like, was that our dog? Um and so he finds that that voice. And um I actually the big meltdown where I really knew, okay, this this is not right. I had him in the parking lot with me, and just two people walked in the parking lot, and he lost it. Just terrified me. He terrified the people in the parking lot. They ran away. They didn't really realize it was a puppy or what was going on. Um and I just hauled them off and put him in the car, and and then I just my soul was crushed because I knew something, something wasn't right. And his reactions just continued to escalate from there on.

Samara 7:53

Okay. And he was 10 weeks there, and you really knew.

Melissa 7:57

That was that was 12 weeks, but 10 weeks is when he started growling at a jogger. Um, but I was like, you know, it's a one-off thing, right? Like, but then we got the fear of the house, the fear of the TV happening, like any sounds. Um, you know, when you're trying to countercondition sounds, uh, the trainer suggested I play like some sounds on an app to socialize him, just different sounds. And like even in like a crying baby, I had to have that the app on the lowest setting, um, as quiet as it would go, and otherwise he'd lose it. Uh so just a high, high sensitivity going on there.

Samara 8:38

High sensitivity. And with Nessie, I mean, definitely one of her things is fear of children. And we started with the sound, but I will say in this case, she um desensitized to the sound of them really well, but with her, it's the visual stimuli. She's not sound sensitive. She makes it. This is the third, fourth of July, and and multiple New Year's where we just buckle down, you know, the hatch and keep her in. Not even a response at all to sound, but the visual stimuli. It's like she's constantly on high alert, um, possibly because of the pointer

Sudden Environmental Change

Samara 9:15

breed. But I'm curious, do you see a lot of that too with red?

Melissa 9:19

Yes, that's one of his biggest issues. And I would like try to describe it. Like we would just be sitting out there and he's calm and okay, I I um outwardly calm. Not necessarily inwardly calm. Yes, okay. I want to be careful with that word, but he appears from the outward eye to be calm, and I know as soon as something shows up, he's just gonna explode. And so it doesn't matter what it is. If a person walks by, he just explode. And I just I didn't have the words to describe what was happening, and so I learned the term sudden environmental change or sudden environmental contrast, and it's where the environment is set a certain way, and then when something changes, then he that would just upset him and he'd just lose it. And that is still his hardest thing is um any change in the environment. He's actually gonna have a little, I call it a tantrum. Um, I back then I was kind of scared of it because it felt like out of control, something I didn't understand. Now I understand it, and I look at him more like you're my two-year-old over here, and you're having a little tantrum, and we're just gonna wait for this to like subside, and we're gonna work you through these big feelings, and you're gonna settle, and it's gonna be fine. But I didn't, I didn't have that confidence in initially, you know.

Samara 10:44

Yeah, wow. Nessie's so quiet about the way she does things, so it's all I don't know if there's any easier or harder, right? These dogs are just challenging no matter what.

Melissa 10:54

Yeah.

Samara 10:54

Uh she's not a vocal dog. In fact, the first time I heard her big bark, and I said, Wow, is that Nessie? It was nine months in in the backyard. The only time I had ever heard her up until then vocalized in any way was whining and howling when I learned she had separation anxiety. And you hear that one or two times and that's it, right? It's like, okay, well, I guess I'll never leave the house again. There was that.

Melissa 11:22

Yeah.

Samara 11:22

But it's interesting dealing with the environmental stimuli because um she kind of Nessie almost shuts down. She doesn't even respond. It's just a you know, it's so interesting how the the emotional aspects manifest in such different ways, even though the root cause is often, you know, very

Subtle Stress Signals

Samara 11:43

similar.

Melissa 11:43

Yeah, and I'll say that now Rhett is having fewer of those big emotional displays. Um, it's mostly when that environment changes quickly and we don't have time to acclimate. But he is doing a little bit more of that, what Nessie's doing, where it's like, yeah, I'm not outwardly reacting, but I'm not comfortable. And and that one is, I think, a little bit harder for people to learn to read and figure out, isn't it?

Samara 12:11

It is because I think that was why a lot of trainers, I think even the dog behaviorists at first thought, hmm, I don't know if there's necessarily a problem here. Uh or the veterinary behaviorist believed me, but I think the other people, they just they don't see it. And neighbors, they don't see it. She stands out front, she's fine, but every time we try to go parallel walk with somebody, hey, I'll I'll walk with you. I bet we can get her around the corner.

Melissa 12:38

Not working.

Samara 12:39

Even with behavioral meds, the Xanax helps. It gives her a little bit of courage to get her to walk. I I don't do it all the time because my goal isn't to just be able to take a dog for a walk every day medicated. I believe strongly in the medication, but I'm trying to use it to kind of desensitize her to the world. And so we throw it in a couple days a week. We've been getting further on walks, but boy, the walks are a tough thing because she just freezes. And I'm and you know, those early days, I'm not gonna lie, I pushed her a few times. I had never had that. I'd had three other dogs, never had anything like that. And so it's hard because you don't know, and and sometimes I don't know if you felt like this, is like, am I crazy? Am I like the only one? Is this dog really not having as many problems as I think? You know?

Melissa 13:31

Yes, for sure. And and they can to the untrained eye, they can look normal. But it once you kind of learn dog communication and calming signals and stress signals, you start to see the subtle changes that are there, and um that's been that's been key for red and eye. Like I can read him and absolutely adjust in an instant like what he needs based off those really subtle signals, so he no longer needs the big display, right? Because he knows, oh, I lip lick, you know, mom's gonna get me out of here. Um, and so he's got trust in that these lower level skills of communication are working for him to meet his needs, and that that's where the training really came in.

Samara 14:21

That's where, yeah, and that I want to get to that in a second because I know you have he has two personas that you've discovered with red, but I think do you think it'd be useful to get into the medication first? Because that's yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's because well, at a certain point you realized This is not right, yeah. This is not

Vet Behaviorist Turning Point

Samara 14:42

right, yeah, and you decided to go to a veterinary behaviorist.

Melissa 14:45

I did. I did training with a dog trainer for six months. Um, and so we I worked with her and and she kind of thought maybe he's gonna pull out of this, and we did puppy socialization classes, we did that for seven months, which I am so blessed that I found a program that ran that long. Um I credit them that he has any dog socialization skills whatsoever because I know without those he wouldn't have been able to learn those skills, but it was long enough that he did it, um, did it well. But at six months old, he started to show fear of people that he'd already met and met several times. And um, this was one of the really hard things about him as well is he is a roller coaster. I mean, two weeks we're doing great, and I'm thinking, okay, all this training, it's paid off. This dog is pulling it together, and then all of a sudden we turn the corner, and the next six weeks are awful, and you know, I'm sobbing, and he's gonna be a vicious dog, and I'm never gonna leave my house again because nobody will be able to handle him. You know, it was just this up and down and up and down roller coaster. He still does that, but with the medication we'll talk about in a second, that roller coaster has gotten more gentle, and I've gotten better at writing riding the waves with him. So, six months, he he's suddenly afraid of people he's met before. So I'm crying, and my trainer says, Enough, you need to go to the vet behaviorist.

Samara 16:22

And um, I didn't on that trainer, really.

Melissa 16:25

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd been hesitant just because I didn't think they would treat a puppy so young, right? That's so I was that's why I was working the training angle, and um they were so wonderful. Um, I went and took them to UC Davis. The vet behaviors there are amazing, they were so um validating and supportive, and I just it felt like Red and I just finally walked into like this safe space, you know? And um, yeah, they they were so amazing, so supportive. I say I just cry thinking about the relief that I felt when I walked into their their office.

Samara 17:03

Um because it was kind of a transition from feeling like you did something wrong, right? And and I think did the veterinarian said something to you about you were Red's emotional support human?

Melissa 17:16

Yeah, that that changed everything. When she said that, I was like, oh, like that makes sense. I've been running around here, you know, supporting him like a therapy dog would support a person. Um, and that's why he he became so dependent on me, and he, you know, social uses social referencing off of me, and um I was literally holding this dog together, and I also felt this pressure of knowing that I've got this puppy brain and I've got some neuroplasticity here, and from my previous dog, I knew that's gonna close, and that aggression may then like really cement and show up, and so I felt so much pressure to get all the training, all the socialization in before he reached maturity. Um so that was another factor that was just really I just felt so much pressure, you know, pressure to get every interaction completely positive for him, nothing negative.

Samara 18:18

I had what I've called myself the drill sergeant mentality with Nessie. We got to do X number of drills today, we got to do this one, this desensitization, that counter conditioning. And what I was doing was flooding her, even though I was trying to do the right methods, because I too thought, oh my gosh, if like this keeps going, we'll never, we'll never fix it, right? Yeah, and then when I started slowing down and all the guests on the show, there's become kind of a running theme about slowing down uh to move faster, and and that was what did it when I finally was like, okay, there's no rush. Let's just do this. We're in it now. So, you know.

Diagnosis and Permission

Melissa 19:00

Yeah, that's basically what happened when I went into their office and um got the support and the perm they gave me permission, permission to slow down, right? Permission that this dog was not a typical nervous system that I was dealing with. And permission to, you know, start doing the marathon rather than the race. Um, and and that was huge. Um, so he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, um, which means that the anxiety is just present, it doesn't need a trigger. And that's why when I would walk him, I would feel like he's just waiting to blow up. It could be a blue jay coming out of the tree and he's just gonna blow up over this thing because the anxiety, the nervous system was wound so so tightly.

Samara 19:54

Um anxiety is of is concern about something that's not happening, fear is something that is happening. And I never realized that I learned that too, because Nessie also has generalized anxiety disorder.

Melissa 20:08

Yes, and that's different than my previous dog because he had kind of social anxiety, it was triggered by unfamiliar people, um, and they would need to be kind of reaching at him, right? It's not just they're at the park, and uh and unfamiliar dogs, but outside of that, yeah, he had a normal, healthy nervous system, danced around the house, played normally, um, great with my kids. So that definitely was the contrast to with Red, where it was just this ever-pervasive, all-present, all hours of the day sort of a thing. Um, you know, for example, I'll say, Red, you want to go for a walk? My previous dog would start dancing, you know, let's get the leash on, it's gonna be good, you know. And Red's like, okay, do I want to go for a walk? You know, and he might like take two painful steps towards me and then like freeze while I put on his leash. And that's kind of the nervous system. So this moment of in the vet's office and learning, learning about this um condition, um, getting the permission to slow down, to take it as a marathon and not a race, um,

Medication Breakthrough

Melissa 21:24

was huge. So we got him on medication, and that has been huge for him. And I I can tell you, my last dog I also had on medication. That was not huge for him. I still don't know if that medication made much of a difference. The only thing I can say about that with him is that we got the training that he needed in him so that he could eventually go to a park and walk. And as long as you know his space was respected, he was fine.

Samara 21:55

Okay.

Melissa 21:56

So maybe the medication got that training in, right? But I never I just saw like a different dog. But with for red, literally from the first day he used to be reactive in the car to everything. Out the windows, people moving, every bark, bark, bark. Literally the first day he's on his anxiety meds, no more barking. He's gone.

Samara 22:18

Wow.

Melissa 22:18

Yeah, it was that significant of a change for him.

Samara 22:23

Okay.

Melissa 22:24

So it did take a little time to get the dosage right. Um, and I'm st I still kind of play with it, and I think that's also because remember that roller coaster I talked about, how he goes up and down. Um, I think I'm always kind of trying to tweak the meds, and I think it's just because his nervous system kind of is a little bit variable. So I'm still trying to get the meds right. So it takes a little bit maybe to find the right dosage for your dog, and if your dog's knocked out sleeping all day, you don't have the dosage right. What we're looking for is just a better version of the dog you have: a happier, more relaxed, more playful dog. And so if you've got a dog that's just drugged in the corner and sleeping, talk to the the vet behaviorist because then you don't quite have those meds just right. And that took a little bit of like figuring out.

Separation Anxiety Progress

Samara 23:16

Red has separation anxiety too, right? Yes, he does. I would say he's he's pretty recovered from it. Um, that's fantastic. Was that from the medication? Because that's why Nessie, Nessie's on two, one medication, maybe a few times a month. But for vets, for walks, that we're gonna do more training. But we're on another one that was for the separation anxiety. I literally could not get out of the house for a minute. And then within six weeks of doing that, I was able to get out of the house for an hour, an hour and a half.

Melissa 23:53

Yeah, I think it that about tracks for for him with starting the medication, and then you know, it was such a big deal that day I left for an hour.

Samara 24:02

I know. Well, it still is for me. See, we've had a little bit of a backslide because I've been home a lot more the last year, and so we're back. I I think we were up to four hours. See, I live alone too, so it's it's even a little more challenging. Yeah. Well, it that's different actually. Separation anxiety can be really different because if you have different people coming and going, that can also have problems, right? It can also cause problems in the the type of routine you use. But with Nessie, I would say in the beginning the separation anxiety was the big thing for her. And now we're we're building up again. I'm not even sure we had to build up, but I went back. There was there were a couple of moments in the last six weeks that I thought, uh, I caught something on camera. There was a howl. It wasn't an alert bark, there was a howl. And so it's funny how you're always just delicately, I never feel like I'm free of the camera. I'll tell you that. I you know, for a while I was, and then the and then I got the bark alert one day and I thought, what is that? So now we've gotten way back, but we're kind of building up again. Because that's what you do with these dogs. You don't want to go too far into the deep end. Anyway, not to interrupt you on that, but I was curious about the separation anxiety and if that and if you had if medication had helped you there.

Melissa 25:22

I do think that did. And I also, every time I leave the house, first thing I do, open up that camera app and check in, make sure that we're good before I like leave altogether.

Samara 25:33

Um the fact that you can leave, you can leave a full day now, right?

Melissa 25:39

Um, not that's sort of a complicated question. So Red does not have access to my backyard, so he cannot go potty and take care of his needs. So I recently, it was a big deal, went on my first vacation, and I had people check in every four hours with him.

Samara 25:57

Okay, yeah, because that's what I I why I had told you in emails with you, I was envious because I have not gone anywhere in three years, literally.

Melissa 26:06

Yeah, yeah, this was my first one. I felt like I was like training for it, you know.

Samara 26:11

It gives me hope, it really does. And she she's fine. I can leave dog sitters here with her.

Sitter Safety and Stakes

Samara 26:16

It's just finding the ones that'll stay long enough who really who really take what you're saying at face value and don't attempt to go off script. I had one go off script and she created a world of problems for us afterward. She was convinced she could take my dog across an intersection, not one, but multiple times, and then we had problems. And so that's the challenging part because then there's the the guardian, at least for me, the guardian fear of am I gonna find the right person that I can that I can leave her with?

Melissa 26:52

It's so hard. This has been haunting me for about two years of how do you walk away knowing this dog needs all this special handling, and if you hand them over to somebody, and in Red's case, uh he can become a dangerous dog. Um and I had a situation where I I did leave him with somebody uh as a uh overnight situation, and he did um take another dog and pin it to the ground on top of it with his teeth. Wow. And I just hit he could have had to be euthanized, you know, and that's the sort of stakes that we're playing with um with these sensitive dogs, that if they're not handled just right, then they could fall into a situation where they become a dangerous dog, and you have to be euthanized if they attack somebody, right?

Samara 27:51

Yeah, it's tough because Nessie's never shown any aggression, but I will never leave that up to chance.

Melissa 27:58

Right. You know that she's unstable.

Samara 28:01

That's right. That's right. And so yeah, I I watch, you know, I watch the camera. I've got some reliable dog sitters now, but she doesn't want to do anything with them when they're here. They'll do a little nosework with her, but then she's right back at that big floor-length window in the living room, which is actually where she just went a few minutes ago. She loves that window. So it's not a sign necessarily of of anxiety, it's the way she experiences the world at a distance because she can see everybody go by, doesn't bark, only barks at any of the delivery trucks because she's allowed to bring all the packages in. It's it's the most interesting thing. But I know that in the wrong hands something could happen. And at the very at the very worst, maybe there could be aggression, but there's the aspect of it could just change everything in our day-to-day again.

Melissa 28:51

It could set you back thousands of hours of training, right?

Samara 28:55

Exactly.

Melissa 28:57

And that that's really painful. Um, so what's working well for Red is I have a pet sitter. She does not leave the property with him. So they do no I've taught her how to do nosework. I've been teaching her how to do all this fun dog training stuff, and she's really enjoyed learning it.

Samara 29:15

The nosework is so much fun when you watch these dogs in action, and so that's one thing she's definitely given me is that like the nosework thing is just so much fun. And it's it's been that has changed both of our lives, you know, astronomically.

Melissa 29:33

Oh, yeah, it's a game changer because now you can get in the enrichment without having to go anywhere.

Samara 29:39

Exactly. So you're teaching, so you've taught some of the dog sitters that, so they do that, and then they stay overnight.

Melissa 29:47

No, no, that actually would be really hard for Red. Um, interesting. He has a social battery, and so he can be around somebody for an hour, and then he just really needs to be left alone and in his space and not have that stimulation of a new person, uncertainty. I have to predict what they're gonna do next. Are they gonna turn the TV up too loud? Um, and so it's better for him to have drop-ins where people come for short times and then they leave, and then he has the quiet house too.

Samara 30:22

That's incredible that you can leave him overnight. So you so you got red medication um through the veterinary behaviorist.

Melissa 30:30

Yeah.

Samara 30:31

And you saw some separation anxiety changes, but then you also saw the the intensity of those episodes where the the reactive barking was kind of diminishing.

Melissa 30:43

Yes, absolutely. And um just him just moving outside more fluidly, right? More relaxed, just a a nice movement on his walks versus this like stiff, vigilant posturing, right? He just kind of loosens up, and I love it when we have those days. I can walk him some days, and he will just prance and have a great time. And other days it's like, okay, the leaves crunching under your feet scared you. We're going home. It's not that day, so we're gonna pack up and go home. Um anyway, so yeah, he just is a little bit bit variable, but the medication helped, but at the same time, I I loaded him up with really good training. Um and so it's you know, it's the chicken and the egg thing, but eventually I did take him off of his meds, and so I did get to see what happens when he comes off the

GI Issues and Med Pause

Melissa 31:42

medication. He has he also developed GI issues, very severe diarrhea, um, nausea issues that I still quite don't have an answer as to what is happening there, but I have learned how to control it now. Um, so he was, you know, dropping weight, and um so his vet thought I think these behavior medications might be causing the GI issues. I didn't agree with her. The onset was like five months after he'd already started his meds, so there was a very big gap in the onset, but it was part of the treatment protocol to trying to get an answer to the GI issue. Um, and he got to where he wouldn't eat, and I couldn't even get him to take the medication. Um, he was so resistant to any food, like my tummy hurts, and so I said, Okay, I can't have you on this SSRI and just have you come crashing off of it. So I felt like it was more responsible to just wean them off and then kind of see what's going on with the GI system. Um so I did wean them off, and it's not it's not the medication. Um, but what happened was really sad when he went off those medications. He um all the anxiety, the barking returned with full force, and then he would also become very catatonic. I would try to take him out for a walk and he would just be frozen and can't move, can't move forward, can't move backwards, just frozen. None of his coping skills that we had trained for were able to work for him. It was really a sad time. Wow, and I just said enough, I'm putting him back on these medications. Um I I have feel like I've encountered in the vet, um I don't want to say industry. What's the right word? Community. Community, thank you.

Back on Meds

Melissa 33:51

Some of the same mental health stigmatism that we face with people, and some of them are more supportive of an understanding of the anxiety in the medication, and some of them are less supportive. And so I just at that point made my own judgment call, contacted vet behaviorist, we got him back on his medication, and it was a complete change once again. And so it it was helpful to know that for Red, these will probably be lifelong. Um, you know, we'll see as he gets older. Um, but I'm guessing that just because I say he was born with this, and what I mean by that is, you know, all behavior is a combination of genetics and environment together, right? But um he had just this really high predisposition towards fear, and so because it was there from the beginning, it wasn't like he wasn't attacked by a dog, and right, he didn't have a healthy nervous system from the get-go. And so these will probably be lifelong for for his case. But you know, I'm always open to seeing what the future holds. Um, but for right now, for a long time, we will not be making any changes there.

Samara 35:08

Uh yeah, I mean, I I think that's smart. I I know for us I've kind of accepted, and boy did I. It was my general vet who actually recommended them in the beginning because she had a dog that was going on 16, who she lived with for 16 years, who had aggression. It couldn't even be with the dog, the same dog, or the dog in the house, the other dog in the house. They had to separate those dogs for years, and you know, she told me, Are you sure you want to go here, Samara? I would not with the medication. She said, I recommend the medication. Like the medication is almost not even the question, it's like, do you want to go here? You know how long you're gonna be in for this. And she painted such a stark picture of my life was gonna be a living hell. And it kind of was for a while, right? But I don't know what it was, Melissa, and I'm I'm curious to know with you too. I just thought I cannot let this dog down. So I was like, fine, I'll do the medication. I was so I did not, I thought it was a crutch at first as well. And I've never thought human medication was a crutch, but for some reason I think because in a dog, you can't ask them, Do you think this is helping you? I just I did it, and it was phenomenal. I am curious, what made you want to keep going?

Melissa 36:34

Yeah,

Choosing Red Again

Melissa 36:35

similar to what you said, that I just kept thinking about him and where else would he go? And you know, I'm simultaneously like grieving my son's this was gonna be his jogging dog, his swimming companion. Red does not swim, non-starter, you know, and I'm grieving what my son lost and what I lost, um, because I had been through all this hard work for 15 and a half years. I wanted to go to the dog bark and meet people, you know, and so I'm grieving that, but I'm also seeing like where else will he go? He landed in a house with somebody who already knew what a threshold was, already knew what counter conditioning, desensitization, all I knew what all that was. I knew what a vet behaviorist was. You know, with my first dog, I didn't even know they existed. It took a while to figure that out, and I just kept thinking um I have older teenager sons, so my house was kind of chill, and um they'd been trained to live with an aggressive dog their whole life, so they have really good dog manners. My my son is so gifted um at reading dog communication. I tell him all the time, like you should be a behaviorist, but he's like, it's too stressful. I don't know. So lovely though. Oh my gosh. But I just thought if he went anywhere else, he would just fall apart, he would become that vicious, dangerous dog, completely misunderstood. And my son just said, Mom, he's family. Because I said, you know, what do you want to do? And he just said, Mom, he's family.

Samara 38:19

Oh, that's so lovely. So for for a um a child to to think like that, and I can only imagine that going through it already the first time was hard enough, but then to for him to be able to say that, you know, let's keep going, it's that's amazing.

Melissa 38:42

Yeah, I just felt like my life had been so limited for 15 and a half years, and I was just staring down another 15 years of like this limited life.

Samara 38:53

Um so and I I look at it, I go, gosh, I had like 32 years. Because I had the first dog, the border collie, who lived to 16, then I had the second two, the cattle dog and the border collie terrier that lived together for 16, 15 years. I had no clue what dog behavior was, I don't think, when I got Nessie. I'm an engineer, but you know, I never had to think that. And then all of a sudden I was starting to engineer living in this house with this, you know, uh unique specimen of a dog in in every way, shape, or form. And it it's honestly phenomenal. Like you came into it, oh, I've got all the knowledge. I came in from the other side, I have no clue at all what is going on here. Um It's overwhelming. It's

Overwhelmed but Supported

Samara 39:52

overwhelming. So you now have this fabulous veterinary behaviorist who's supporting you, who's not making you feel like you've done something horribly wrong, that you failed, that you haven't done anything fast enough, and that you didn't socialize the dog. They're not, you know, they're they're telling you the exact opposite, right? You are their uh human support. What's the phrase the human emotional support? Emotional support person.

Melissa 40:18

Yeah.

Samara 40:18

So we've got the emotional support person. So you're getting it all dialed in with them. But while you're doing this, you're starting to become a master at reading dog body language, dog behavior signals before they're at threshold, and you discover Red kind of has a split personality. And I'm curious to know, like the mastery, how you got to that point, what you discovered about him, and how that those two personalities have helped you bring him even further along to feeling safe.

Melissa 40:58

Yeah,

Learning Dog Language

Melissa 40:59

I think anytime we can put language to what we're observing, it's just become so powerful in being able to better understand what's going on and then being able to advocate, right? So one of the things that I did to get to that point, I mean, I did tons and tons of learning, right? And and that was the hard thing, is it wasn't like this. I didn't say, gee, let me go adopt a really high needs dog. I have, you know, I'm retired and I have can do this. Like I was a a full-time working mom of two teenagers at the time, and so you know, I'm working by day and by night I'm logging in to uh like Richia Stewart Academy, um, which she does videos for like professional dog trainers, and I'm watching everything there. And um, Suzanne Clothier joined hers and watched everything I could watch there, and so I'm you know studying by night, and then I'm like, you know, reading the book on dog commu body language, and then I'm studying Red's ears, you know. Yeah, did the ears flick this way or that way? Yeah, and it it at first it was really hard because I would have to focus so hard to read the the communication signals, but now I feel really fluent in it, and so that was it. I felt like I was learning a foreign language, and so at first I'm like, nobody talk to me. I'm I'm studying red, and especially if there's a second dog interacting, then you've got to like look at both of them, right? And then that's a lot.

Samara 42:36

Oh, definitely, yeah.

Melissa 42:38

Yeah, so um, so just lots of study.

AI Journaling Patterns

Melissa 42:42

So I so I I had all these ideas and things swimming in my mind from my study, and then the second thing I did is I journal about red, and I have started journaling like the past I've journaled off and odd, but like the past year pretty much journal every night. Um and I know like people have complex feelings about this, but I use AI, and it has been incredibly powerful because the journal talks back to me, so I'm like, okay, this is Red's Day, here's what's going on, and then it will kind of talk back to me. And where AI is really good is at noticing patterns, and so I use it for the the pattern recognition because I forget things, right? Over weeks and months, I forget. Um, but the AI will remind me of of the patterns.

Security Guard vs Explorer

Melissa 43:36

So over time I just started to say, okay, why is it I took Red to the beach? He's so happy there. The beach is his favorite place, as long as there's no people or dogs getting in his space, right? And then yet I take him to my neighborhood park and he's frozen and I can't get him to move. Like, what's happening? And so I kind of discovered what I call. Like security guard red, where he's monitoring the environment, you know, hyper-vigilant, maybe stuck, frozen. Um, he gets kind of stuck in like assessing mode, like he can't get out of like, is this dangerous? Is this safe? Um, that's kind of like where he's in it when he's frozen. Um, and then the other phase when he's at the beach, he's like an explorer and he's happy. And so I've kind of used these two analogies to sort of um kind of think, okay, which red am I seeing? Is this explorer red or is this security guard red? And if it's security guard red, what do I do to help him transition to explorer red? So that's where um behavior adjustment training, bat training, yeah. Um Amy Cook um does something called the playway, where it's using play, the the nosework training. Um, I think it's Leslie McDevitt has pattern games.

Samara 45:02

Yeah, pattern games.

Melissa 45:04

So all of these things kind of take that more like security guard dog who's watching everything, and then help his brain flip over to more of the seeking system, the explorer. And that's been really powerful to be able to identify, okay, like which which brain am I working with and how do I transition it?

Samara 45:25

It's funny because while we're sitting here talking, I think Nessie's definitely got the security guard. But the other side she has, she doesn't have the explorer. There are places she loves to go, but it always has to involve nosework and and treats. There's we're still except on the beach when she was going with some friends, dog friends that she liked to play with, and she was starting to explore.

Melissa 45:47

So that's also um having companions like another dog can transition the brain. Yes. That's it. I've found that as well.

Samara 45:57

Yes, and because that and you led right into what I was gonna say, the other personality that Nessie has, if we say she has kind of split personalities, she is the I don't want to call it life of the party, but she is the pro-social party dog. She lives to play with other dogs. And so I spend you know, an hour every day organizing my schedule so that she can have play dates here. I'm watching other people's dogs. Because those those are the two that is the way to her heart. And we were starting to make progress now in getting um a pro-social dog with her, and she was starting to go to the beach. Unfortunately, that dog's no longer in the the area anymore, so we're kind of starting again. But isn't that interesting? Those are Nessie's two. So you've got a dog who's an explorer and who likes to go out in the world. How do you keep the other persona from creeping in? Because that that means a little bit of management, right? Maybe going places that you know are gonna have fewer triggers. Okay, yeah.

Melissa 47:01

The first thing I wanted to say too is Red is this why I wanted to talk about him is he is this case of, you know, we sometimes people get their challenging dogs later on, like you did, right? And as he's unfolding before me, I'm thinking, okay, I have the chance to like correct this course, right? I can intervene. I I know what's happening, I have access to the professional support that I need, and I can correct this course, right? Um, so I think there's a little bit of um privilege here with Red in that because I had him at the very beginning, his capacity is no doubt expanded from where it would be. Whereas where Nessie is, she didn't get that early socialization, right?

Samara 47:54

That's right.

Melissa 47:55

And Red's host sociation was very high quality. And I just I'm thankful every day because I know he would have no skills, uh probably similar to Nessie, if I hadn't gotten that professional trainer on board with me.

Samara 48:11

I mean, I met with her every week for months, like and and you know, well, as far as the story goes, we don't know how much socialization, but I will tell you, she had a tremendous amount of socialization to other dogs, and that is our saving grace. Because I can be out on the street and she will meet any new dog. She'll be a little in security mode. But, you know, and we were very careful with those introductions because I don't need one bad introduction to turn her. So that the pro-social Nessie with dogs has always been there. And I can also, she can meet a person once on the street. It may take a while, and then every time she sees them again, she loves that person. So there had to have been some kind of socialization or something there. Again, we don't know, right? Genetics socialization. But the part that is just so hard with her, Melissa, is I call it urban anxiety, but it's not even the sound. She can stand right near a garbage truck and and be fine. It is the I mean I I I keep going back to the security thing because it's exactly what it is. It's a hypervigilance, particularly the stimuli that are blocks, two blocks away. Nothing right here. She's fine right here. Look down the block, and it goes back to what anxiety is. It's it's the concern over something that hasn't happened. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's where we're really um working to kind of unfold. And I she's that's unfolding in front of my eyes too. So yeah. It's funny, we've had very similar situations or similar um reactions in the dogs, but different same story, but different story. Yeah. I don't know how better to say it. It's so interesting.

Melissa 49:53

So

Management and Safe Walks

Melissa 49:54

did you do ever do any bat training with her?

Samara 49:58

Well, that's really loose leash.

Melissa 50:01

Uh so you put the dog on a long line and they they notice the the trigger, and as soon as they notice it, you've got to pay attention to what they do. So if if they notice and they look away, you mark and praise or reward that. We've done that.

Samara 50:19

Yeah. We do that. That's that is probably she's always on a long lead, by the way. Or she's always just dragging her lead. Uh unless we're somewhere where it's not safe to do so, but that's just not the case because you know, we go to kind of remote locations. But yes, we did bat without directly studying bat, but so many of the other trainers now have integrated it.

Melissa 50:41

Yes, I'll say, and uh, you know, because I'm doing all this under pressure of working my full-time job, taking care of my kids, I would kind of read about training and then we'd adapt it, right? Yeah, and make it kind of make it our own, just because I didn't have time to like really get into the the super detail. So there's a lot of things I do with him that are kind of adaptions of of things. But I have to, yeah. That that worked for Red. I also um very careful about where I walk him, so he cannot do parks, which just breaks my heart because I have a beautiful park 10 minutes from my house. We just can't do it. There's too much uncertainty of moving people, dogs, he just freezes, can't move. So I have a nature park that I take him to, whose location I will never give out because it's so quiet. Um, you have to pay for parking there, so I don't get all the people and the dog walkers coming, and so it's just him, me, and the squirrels.

Samara 51:41

Um I am in the this is where we went yesterday. There's a Theosophy Center up in Oi, and I'm always afraid to tell people too, but they're not gonna go there. And the librarian had specifically told me I'd called her. She goes, Yes, you can have your dog come and visit all the gardens. No one is ever there. Lo and behold, three weeks ago, there was a whole group of people there. Nessie handled it, and I could not believe it. But it is exactly that. It is a remote nature area. All we do is sniff. So it's interesting to hear that Rhett is getting a lot of enjoyment from the hikes, but you are managing, you're still managing the hikes. It's not like you're going out the back door and saying, Let's take a walk, buddy.

Melissa 52:22

No, and I'm very careful about like which hikes. There's some that are high traffic that we just, you know, we won't go to the other thing. And how is he with bikes? How is he with bikes? Oh, this is an interesting thing. Um let me tell you this though.

Social Referencing and Talking

Melissa 52:37

The other thing I do is he walks with my mom's dog, and that is a very powerful anti-anxiety pill for him, even more than medication, because now he doesn't have to make the decisions about what's okay or not. He just looks at her. It's again that social referencing, right? And he lets me.

Samara 52:57

That's right, and it works really great if the other dog is socially confident.

Melissa 53:00

Yes, I just lucked out my mom has one of those socially confident, she's a little terrier rescue, and and she's a maid. Yeah, so I use her when I want to go somewhere that's more adventurous, and then he just he goes into explorer mode with her because she's exploring, he's like, This is what we're doing, we're exploring. Um, yeah, but you asked about bikes. So one of the things that has really helped Red that has shocked me is talking to him. He knows so many words at this point, and I tell so this is the other thing about you're asking about how to get him into explore mode. I tell him people are walking. That's a dog. Uh, the dog's on a leash, you know, that dog's playing fetch. These are all words that he knows, and then he's like, Oh, I know what a dog playing fetch means, and I don't really want to be around it, but it's okay, we're just gonna go the other way. Uh so same thing with bikes. I see a bike coming, I always tell him before it comes, Brad, there's a bike. He looks up, yep, there's a bike. I had no idea when I started to do this, how powerful because it gives him that predictability over his environment. Now he can anticipate there's people coming, there's a bike. Um, the squeals of children, you know. He understands what children are. I can say red, that's just the kids. He's moves on.

Samara 54:29

So yeah.

Melissa 54:30

Talking to him has helped a ton.

Samara 54:33

Talking to him is the big thing because a lot of what these modern dog trainers talk about now is it is the connection between the human and the dog that is more important than the training skills. Right? Yes, yeah. And some dogs, you can just almost ignore that connection because it seems like it's already there. But with dogs like ours, who are kind of like social misfits in a way, that social connection part is the part we have to work really hard on. At least I know that I've I've had to. She and I bonded very closely, but it's still the everyday thinking about talking with her like she's almost well, she is my best friend.

Melissa 55:12

Mm-hmm.

Samara 55:12

Yeah.

Melissa 55:13

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Um, and just using really simple words, high repe repeating it over and over and pairing it with the stimulus, and eventually whether it they truly understand all the words or it's social referencing, I don't know. I do think he does know the words, but um either way.

Samara 55:33

And the tone, definitely the tone, and maybe just a oh, you know, you you gave me a heads up on something, thank you. Might not even be the word, right? It's probably just the okay. You know, it's the same thing. What I've been learning about the only thing she barks at, I told you earlier, is um UPS, FedEx, and Amazon, and she will bark at the trucks. She recognizes them, and so now instead of trying to shut them down from that, you go in and say, Great, you observe it with them. I love that. That's your package, your package is coming. And then all of a sudden she's quiet, she goes, stands at the door, and she goes and collects the package, and I have endless amounts of footage on my phone of her fetching packages. It is but but the truth is if you were to just try to quiet the dog down by saying, Hosh, stop marking, that's not what works for them. And that's that's kind of what we're talking about here is we're communicating the I notice. It's fine. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know. I notice, and all is good.

Melissa 56:34

Mm-hmm.

Samara 56:35

Yes.

Melissa 56:36

So power so so powerful. I have we use the word package too.

Samara 56:41

Do you? Yeah. I think she just came in when I said Oh, she's in her crate. She went into her crate when um I was talking.

Neutering Decision Factors

Melissa 56:50

I do have one other thing I think would be really helpful for some people to hear. Um neutering. Oh, that's an interesting one. I stressed about this one a lot. A lot. Because I had heard and read some things that if you take an anxious dog and then you neuter it, you're taking away that testosterone that gives it the confidence boost, and you're gonna have a more anxious dog. And so I pan I panicked about this decision. Um, but at the same time, he was much more of a target for loose male dogs.

Samara 57:26

Yes.

Melissa 57:27

And I've had to wrestle dogs who were trying to attack him off of him, and you know, the people would say, Oh, it's because you have treats. And I was like, Well, then why didn't your dog come to me? They're going to my attack.

Samara 57:41

Ludicrous the things people I I my other dog was attacked multiple times, and I was just fed up after a while with the thick, you know, yeah.

Melissa 57:49

Yeah, so he was definitely being a target. The other thing is at the park, he would just sniff and couldn't disengage if I called his name. Like he couldn't, he was just, it was like he was just spacey, and I was just like, Oh, is this the anxiety? Is this the hormones? It was like too many variables to even work that out. So I did watch a presentation through I think it was Fenzie, it was a vet who gave a presentation all about neuter, and her conclusion was we just really don't know what the impact is. And her recommendation is if the dog's anxious, then maybe just don't do it. Um so after watching that, I felt like I had all finally had the best knowledge that we have currently about the neuter to make my decision, and I felt like there were pros and cons on either side for Red. You know, if I don't neuter him, he's got the hormones issues and the dogs running after him. And if I do, maybe he's gonna be worse than he is now. So I decided to go ahead and neuter him, and it I will say for Red, okay, this is his case, but it was really good for him. Um, he was suddenly able to disengage from smells in the environment and focus for his training. He has not been targeted nearly as much um by off-leash dogs as he was before, and so I'm really happy I did it. I did hear somewhere that maybe possibly the reason he did so well is because I did it when he was about two. And so he's done all his like a lot of social learning at that point.

Samara 59:32

That's right. Yeah, that's what I've heard. If you wait a little longer, but that's for a lot of things. The bone development. You know, Nestie was spayed very early, and she turned out to be 20 pounds larger than I ever thought she was gonna be. So I worry day in and day out, and I know I have to stop about her bone development now. She's a bigger dog, and is she gonna have joint things? But you know what? I had three smaller dogs, and they had that. So it's anxiety, worrying about something before it happens. But I think that's that's a really interesting point, though, that you bring up about the neutering, because that is such I I heard a podcast actually yesterday about they were talking about that very thing. And I think the conclusion they came to was uh if if you're gonna do it, wait a couple of years in.

Melissa 1:00:19

Yes, that way you get good training, get a s get the dog stable. Um, UC Davis did tell me to get him to a really stable place first.

Samara 1:00:28

Yeah.

Melissa 1:00:29

And that, you know, what does that look like for an anxious dog? But I did wait until he was two and he was in a better place at that time. So I'm glad I did it.

Samara 1:00:38

But all the micro decisions that go into something that you normally would have just taken care of right away or didn't think about. I believe for every dog moving forward in the future, I'll be like this too, just on high alert with every decision I make, you know. Um wow,

Caregiver Burden and Health

Samara 1:00:55

so we're we I could talk with you forever, Melissa, but I know you have to get back to your life too. And I want to it sounds like Red is pretty well managed now, largely because, well, between the medication, all the wonderful training and enrichment, and then the management that you put in. But I am curious, like how you're managing it, right? There is a I've been very open on this podcast that I had almost, I would say it was a mental health crisis, the first several months of having Nessie. And then unfortunate for me, it exploded into a physical, a medical issue that I'm still dealing with, you know, three years in, which makes everything even harder. So I'm curious how you got ahead or on top of the mental health component of this. I do it through a therapist who's actually going to come on the podcast soon and talk about it. But I'm just curious how you got through that and anything else you want to share around, you know, in that on that subject.

Melissa 1:01:59

No, the the the guardian self-care is huge. And you know, the healthier we are, the better we are for our dogs, right? Um, so I've had to come to terms with, you know, not every day has to be an amazing day for Red if I need some wellness and self-care, and just coming to terms with that, that this is a marathon. Um, but yeah, when he got his behavior meds, I I have an audioimmune disease, and I went into a full flare-up that it was worse than it's ever been in my entire life. Um, we tried medication after medication, and it took a year to get my health back um under control, and I still feel like I'm recovering from that ordeal. Um, and then yeah, the mental health, you know, it activated all my trauma from my previous dog and my sadness about my son, and you know, thinking my life was gonna be limited, and um, so the journaling just helped me get out my feelings about this as well, right? And that sometimes just feeling this the sadness.

Samara 1:03:12

Um you do the journaling, I do the podcasts.

Melissa 1:03:16

Yeah, exactly. You've got to talk to somebody, yeah. You cannot you cannot bear this alone. Um, you know, relying on my trainer a lot. She I think we spent a lot of our sessions in therapy with her supporting me through this this difficult um process. It's it's very real, the caregiver burden. And nobody understands what happens. Nobody outside your life. Like it's just a dog. I haven't seen my extended family hardly at all since I brought him home. And I they don't they have no idea that this special needs bomb went off in my life. And if you're not a dog person, you just really don't get it.

Samara 1:04:01

Well, and even if they understand it, well, uh it's not even they can't accept it. Like I've had so many people say, Oh, separation anxiety, my dog's had that for years. I just let 'em bark it out. I know people who've had dogs 15, 16 years. And all this time they've been barking it out, and I just can't, you know, I can't ever critique what someone else does for their animal. But that would have caused me more mental stress than uh trying to work on it. I thought, at least if I feel like I'm taking some steps. But yeah, the mental health component is so so hard, and and it is amazing how people don't understand. Even people who are work in the animal field or the dog training world, a lot of them did not understand.

Melissa 1:04:53

Absolutely. Like I would try to get help with a situation, and I'd be given something that was just overly simplistic and didn't get into the complicated factors of okay, that works if I was visiting the dog and doing a little training setup, but I'm living with this dog, and how do I manage this behavior when I need to wash my dishes, I need to cook my food, um, and meet my basic human needs. And and so that that's complicated, and that's why I wanted to talk to you. I just thought when I when I was doing all my research, I actually never found anybody who had a puppy like this from the very beginning, and I didn't I couldn't find a story that reflected this story.

Samara 1:05:38

Um I couldn't either. When you sent me all of the write up, I thought, how is this possible? And then we found out we had some similar things in our health journey too, a little bit as far as just everything kind of imploding.

Melissa 1:05:55

I will say he just had his third birthday, and I am really celebrating the This moment of I know it's a gentle transition to adulthood, but he's more of an adult dog. And the big thing is, I know how to read him, I know how to predict probably how he's gonna act, and I know what's gonna help him manage or work through that situation with confidence. And um that's huge.

Samara 1:06:22

That's amazing.

Joyful Moments

Samara 1:06:24

And that actually segues you know directly to I only have two questions for you, really, and left in one of them is what are some of the bright spots and joys that you get and your family get from living with Red now that you've kind of gotten a lot more management and control and you understand him better.

Melissa 1:06:46

Yeah, yeah. I think for for the whole family, we just really take such joy when we see happy Red come out. So we discovered he loves big stuffed soccer balls. That's almost exclusively his his ball, his toy of choice. And so we take him in the backyard and we just kick these big stuffed soccer balls, and he fetches them and he carries them around, and it's just fun to see that joy. The other thing he loves is when I turn on the pool filter, he loves to attack it as the bubbles come out of it. Oh my god, I don't know, it's just a really funny behavior, and several times a day he runs to the pool and looks at me like, please turn on the filter. Um, so when you see, you know, the dog that is like Eeyore the rest of the time, and you get these moments of joy, they're just so precious. Um the other thing that was really sweet is he had a hard time with petting and accepting petting at first. And so he slowly, I don't know why he chose my husband, but every night he'd get into bed and he's like, first, can I get on the bed? That was a big deal. And then it was, can I sit next to you on the bed? And then it was maybe I can get a little closer. And then it was maybe I put my paw on you and like maybe you'll pet me. And now it's like full-on cuddles at bedtime. And so just watching Red initiate that process was really fun.

Samara 1:08:14

That is that is wonderful. It is funny, the silly little things they do. Well, it because it boils it all down to kind of like enjoying the little things in life, and that that just translates right over to having a dog who's very complex. You have to enjoy the little things that they give you, and and just remember that they are experiencing that joy, and they're not. I always try to remind myself that Nessie's not saying, gee, I wish I was this big worldly dog who could go to coffee shops and just go anywhere. She's happy, and these dogs are happy if you just back the heck off and let them be in their comfort zone and gradually learn, and and that was so hard for me. It sounds like you did it masterfully.

Melissa 1:09:03

I don't know about that, but I called it uh happy stacking. You know, there's trigger stacking where you get too many triggers one after another. And so, you know, I write down the list of everything he loves, and then it's like, how do I stack those and just build on that positive energy?

Samara 1:09:19

Um I love that happy stacking. That's fantastic. So I only have one more question for you, and I I want to find out from you what you can do more than one thing. I usually say what would be one or the most important thing that you would want to share with a guardian of a sensitive dog. It could be a puppy, it could be an adult dog, a rescue. What would be one thing you would want to share with them to try to help make their lives a little easier? The dog and and them.

Marathon Mindset Advice

Melissa 1:09:50

Yeah. Give yourself permission that this is a marathon. This is not a sprint, it's not a race. We've talked about slowing down, give your employ management. And if you don't know what that is or how to do that, get a professional trainer to help you understand that concept. It's where you don't work on the things and you find a way to live kind of around those things until you can train and work on them. Um, and just give yourself permission to take this slowly and ask for help when you need it, when you don't know, and when you know better, do better. Don't feel guilty about it. We all feel so much guilt as guardians and um carry that inside. Like I should have done this better or that better, or you know, yeah, and um just progress over, you know, perfection.

Samara 1:10:45

I love it, beautiful. I just want to thank you so much for sharing Red's story with us, and honestly, for the incredible compassion and love that sounds like both you and your husband and your children have been able to provide him. And to our listeners, thanks for listening to Shy Dog Diaries. If you have a story about your own shy or sensitive dog, or if you work with dogs who see the world a little differently, I'd love to hear from you. Please reach out on Instagram at Shy Dog Diaries or through the contact info in the show notes. Until next time, please continue being your dog's best friend and advocate. And give them a little nose boot from me. Shy Dog Diaries is for education and entertainment only. It's not a substitute for working with your own trainer, behaviorist, or veterinarian.