Premiere

• No Edits: Women, Life and the Truth In Between
• Hosted by Rebecca Hartmann, a survivor, advocate, and storyteller, No Edits shines a light on the resilience of women who have walked through life’s hardest moments—domestic violence, loss, rebuilding, and the quiet battles that often go unseen.
• In this episode:  Unedited, raw and real.  Listen to Rebecca's story as she walks through and shares her personal childhood journey through sexual abuse and her later struggles with domestic violence in intimate relationships.  
• Subscribe to the No Edits podcast, follow us on Instagram and Facebook, stay tuned as more women share their stories of resilience and hope. 
• New episodes released bi-weekly.  
• https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61576247714854
• https://www.instagram.com/noedits.pod/

Transcript

No_Edits_Larra_1.mp3
00:00:00,000 >> >> Hi there and welcome to
00:00:06,920 the very first episode of no edits, women life and the truth in between
and here to help us
00:00:11,520 launch this whole podcast thing is my friend Lara. >> I am so excited to
be here and feel very, very honored to be on your first episode.
00:00:25,640 I'm actually really excited that this is how you've decided to kick off and
launch your entire platform and this podcast
00:00:35,800 and just going deeper into your story. Tell us a little bit more about what
inspired you and how you decided to create this podcast and what it
was going to be about.
00:00:49,200 >> Yeah, so I never intended on having a podcast, never did I ever.
First of all, but I've done some speaking through the years, sharing
some experiences that I had in childhood,
00:01:01,520 but more so, the experiences I had in an abusive marriage. The
purpose of speaking was always to help other people, sometimes I
speak at non-profit events for to help with fund raising, and to
00:01:12,920 share a story of hope. I was thinking, I had someone else ask me, "Hey,
can you share again?" I was like,
00:01:21,640 "Yeah, I started really thinking through it and I was like, what would be
an arena We're not just me, but other women could share?"
00:01:29,000 So we can inspire each other. I love podcasts. I listened to everything
from podcasts on Menopause,
00:01:37,600 to some of the big ones. Huberman Labs, is one of my favorites. Of
course, everybody listens to Joe Rogan.
00:01:44,720 I think a lot of people do, but there's a lot of women out there doing
some great podcasting too. But for me, it was really more so, not about
being known,
00:01:52,480 but just about if there was something that I could do to share my story
in a bigger arena where it would help others. That was really my
inspiration.
00:02:00,680 And then also to give other women a platform to share, like the raw
truth of, what is it to be a mom, whether you're raised your kids alone,
00:02:12,760 I raised my oldest three alone, whether you did it that way, or whether
you, just the things, the things that we all deal with as women.
00:02:20,760 And so I wanted a platform for that, a place where I could share to help
others, but also where other women could share their stories,
00:02:28,080 and we could inspire each other. I think he said expire, but I mean,
inspire. Inspire, and so we don't want to inspire people.
00:02:35,880 Right. But you are such an inspiration. So I love that you're going to be
facilitating these questions,
00:02:44,000 or these episodes with other women, because you have such an
incredible network of people, and you are so personable that people
just,
00:02:55,040 I feel like they're so comfortable in just in sharing with you and you
make everybody feel like, this is such a safe space.
00:03:02,440 You know what I mean? And so I appreciate that about you. Well, that's
so kind for you to say, I appreciate that,
00:03:07,360 and I'm glad that you feel that way, because that is definitely what I
want. Again, to let other people speak,
00:03:14,280 and for us to be able to support and help each other. Yeah, absolutely.
And so many people have so many different walks of life
00:03:22,240 and different stories, and we walk day to day, not knowing what those
stories are,
00:03:31,040 not knowing what people have overcome. And I think it's so important
for other people to share, so that other people don't feel alone.
00:03:41,360 Right. And so this platform is going to do that, and I'm so excited.
00:03:45,120 So let's get into your story. Why don't you share a little bit about
yourself now, and then maybe we'll talk more about where you grew up,
00:03:56,000 and what that was like. So now I work in sales and marketing, and
that's what I've done for 26 years in my life.
00:04:05,400 And I have four beautiful children, and very supportive family. And my
day to day is really just,
00:04:14,000 just like everybody else. The woes of, I have children that age from 22
to 10, which has in all of its own challenges.
00:04:23,240 There's moments where you're like, did I really give birth at 40? Was
that a conscious decision?
00:04:29,320 And I mean, I love them to pieces like, I would never have it any other
way, but it's just all those things that you're dealing with
00:04:35,960 at this part of life, and those are part of the things, I wanna go into, but
anyway.
00:04:41,520 So yeah, so you have some, you know, four beautiful children, and
they're all going off in their life,
00:04:47,040 and I'm like, so maybe this is like a three-quarter life crisis thing here.
(laughing)
00:04:51,440 'Cause I'm like, there's no way ever that I'm living to be like a hundred,
so. Do you want me to go into a three-quarter life crisis?
00:04:58,560 Yeah, I think so. (laughing) Yeah, so that's in a nutshell, me today.
00:05:03,800 You know, love people, always wanna connect with more people, you
know, and I love hearing people's stories. Yeah, I love to write, that's,
you know, some of my hobbies are,
00:05:12,400 you know, writing and gardening and I like to write bikes. I mean, we
live in Northwest Arkansas. You know, I think biking is kind of required,
you know,
00:05:20,240 I was telling someone in the airport, I think on clouds are like the official
shoe of Northwest Arkansas.
00:05:25,280 Yes, I agree. (laughing) You know, and then a mountain bike is like a
requirement as well,
00:05:30,600 so. Yeah, absolutely. So did you grow up here?
00:05:34,760 I did not. I grew up in a very small town. I think the population now
might be maybe just over a few thousand.
00:05:42,840 Oh my goodness. A very small town outside of Kansas City in Missouri.
Okay.
00:05:46,920 All right, and so tell us a little bit about your family. Yeah, so I mean, my
dad was a custom home builder. He was in that business with his dad
and my mom was a nurse.
00:05:57,880 And she stayed home with us and was a homemaker until I went into
school and I was the youngest of two. And so I have an older sister
who's my partner in crime.
00:06:08,200 Sure, I love that. Yeah. And so, so mom stayed home with us and it was
the typical like,
00:06:15,040 we always joked about having kind of this beaver, cleaver existence.
Yes. You know, very old school because it was a small town,
00:06:23,680 a very solid Christian family, but my folks, my dad was just the master
of fun. He loved to joke around and have fun, still does. You know, my
mom always says, he'll never grow up.
00:06:33,760 (laughing) I'm like, well, and I think that's a great thing. I think that is
longevity in life.
00:06:39,360 Yeah. But yeah, so very fortunate in that way, had both had to
grandparents around, you know, have very strong, again, Christian
family, type family,
00:06:49,640 you know, just all the things, you know, is the things that we did in that
generation. You know, I came from that generation where there was no
cell phones when I was growing up. There was no internet.
00:06:58,840 It was like, you know, stay out, tell dark and make sure you hit the
house, you know, at dinner time. And if you're allowed to play, you
know, be back in time.
00:07:07,400 And those kind of things, and it definitely was just kind of like that era of
this feeling of safety. You know, like there was things were safe and bad
things didn't happen. Yeah, absolutely.
00:07:19,600 So you did have this, you know, American dream of a family, a family,
right? But you led more into some things that did happen to your
childhood, in your childhood that impacted you later in life.
00:07:37,920 Can we get into that? Yeah, sure. Yeah, so, you know, you never realize
later in life when things happen.
00:07:44,360 You know, I tended to, when everything happened, you know, much
later in my marriage to my oldest three children's father, you know,
there was a period of time where I looked back and I thought, where did
that come from? Not in a blaming sense, but I think there's so much
power and understanding.
00:08:01,360 Yes. I had to dive way back. And so I actually, my parents were, like I
said, very great parents, not negligent,
00:08:11,200 and in fact, probably a little helicopterish at the moment. But in spite of
that, what I learned as an adult, and I understand even more so now is
that a parent just can't know what they don't know.
00:08:22,440 And so there was a cousin of my mother's that when I was 22, or he
was 22, excuse me, I was about five years old. And then we were
having a family gathering at my grandma's house and he lured me into
a basement essentially and molested me. And, you know, at that time,
it was like, it didn't come out immediately.
00:08:42,680 I kind of kept it under wraps, but there were some signs that now today
I know, you know, just from my experiences and adult with my own
children and looking back and educating myself. Like, there were signs.
00:08:55,640 Like, I went to, I remembered just being in school and my mom and I
had talked about this. Like, how old was I? Because, you know,
memories when you're that young, right?
00:09:03,560 Oh, absolutely. I do remember constantly having belly pain and my
stomach hurt all the time and being anxious and hiding in my closet.
And even one time hiding, I was really little as a child and hiding under
the bed.
00:09:17,000 And my parents couldn't find me and they searched the neighbors and
called the police and I was under the bed. And so there were some
things like that. And then, you know, like, my mom being a nurse, like,
she took me for my first upper GI.
00:09:29,560 I think it was like seven years old. Wow. Because they just didn't know.
00:09:32,840 Sure. And then it was a few years later at a family event that a, I think
she would have been my second or third cousin. She was like four
years old.
00:09:44,760 And by then, I was like, I think seven or so. And I was, I just remember
it so vividly, in today, like I was laying on the couch in the basement at
my grandma's and she was on my back.
00:09:55,320 And she starts like grinding on my back. And I'm like, what, what are
you doing? Yeah.
00:10:01,360 Well, I don't, I just remember, I'm sure that's not what I said at that age.
And now, but you're just like, whoa. And then she starts telling me
about how this man who had molested me was reaping her on a regular
basis.
00:10:12,040 Really? So it was kind of, you know, like I said, there was, there was a
lot of things around, you know. And so at that point, that's when it really
came out.
00:10:23,960 I went to my parents and I was like, you know, my cousin told me, you
know, she told me this. And oh my gosh. And, you know, of course, my
parents were young and it was the 80s, the early 80s,
00:10:37,280 where it was kind of like bad things were shoved into the rug.
Absolutely. And they just know what to do.
00:10:41,800 They were scared, you know. And so my parent, you know, at that time,
that's when I was like, well, I know that she's telling the truth because
he did it to me.
00:10:51,160 Wow. And then I think it was a state of shock. And I think too that I think
parents, you know, when a child is so young saying these things,
00:11:01,200 and again, in that time, there was no education. There was no
education around it whatsoever because it was happening, but nobody
is talking about it. So when it does happen, people are like, this, this
isn't normal, right?
00:11:14,080 This isn't, this isn't happening. This doesn't happen in our families. This
isn't happened to us.
00:11:18,800 Absolutely. It's so bad. It's like how, they can't wrap their minds around,
you know, how that could happen.
00:11:24,920 Yes. And sometimes. But so I remember their kind of solution was, well,
you know, you just, you'll never be around that person again.
00:11:33,440 And I wasn't. I was never, I mean, my knowledge was never around him
again. And he went on in his life to, to, I think, abuse several other little
girls.
00:11:48,480 And I don't know, no, no, the extent of it, I do know he had a drug
problem. I did find that out as an adult later on. He had a drug problem
and he ended up killing himself.
00:11:56,720 Wow. So it was, but looking back at that, like when I reflect on my story,
it set the stage for so many things because, you know, after that, it was
like probably a year that I had another
00:12:09,680 male and my family that was in my, you know, like, I don't know what
you call that. It's not me. You're immediate family.
00:12:16,480 It's like your parents tried to. I'm like, it's stupid. Thank you.
00:12:19,480 We're keeping distance now. And so he would kind of target me in
every time he had an opportunity. He would get me alone and just do
things to me.
00:12:32,560 And I, I just remember, like, those overwhelming feeling of, you know,
shame. But I also looking back, I don't think there was any awareness
of, like, clearly you had no boundaries, right?
00:12:44,680 Yeah. Today, I know it's so typical. Yes.
00:12:48,680 So typical, which I'll do has been abused. You know, you just don't
know. And when you have things happening at such a young age, it's
like your brain's overloaded.
00:12:56,840 I had a psychologist, I think that's a typically what you'd call her. She's a
psychologist, a doctor of psychology who described it as she's like the
brain gets like overloaded.
00:13:08,320 And you're having these feelings of fear and sensations and things that
you have never understood or felt before and you have no
understanding of anything, you know, sexual whatsoever. So the brain's
completely overloaded and it's, she said, it's like you just, you know,
00:13:23,360 you don't know what to do with all of that. That's true. A child doesn't
know what to do with all of that.
00:13:27,760 Absolutely. And it's trauma. And, and it also sets the stage for, you
know, kind of like, well, is this normal?
00:13:35,760 Like, and it's the wildest thing looking bad. I don't remember thinking,
oh, this is bad. Yeah.
00:13:42,640 I felt shame, and you so you keep the secret. Yes. Yes, absolutely.
00:13:48,240 And I do know my first abuser like he threatened me, and that was
another, you know, I kept the secret until I felt like, oh my gosh. You
know, something else is going to happen here.
00:13:57,720 Right. And you don't have to text someone else, too, though? Yeah.
00:14:00,720 I mean, I think so. I don't know. There's so many years ago.
00:14:03,720 I think there was probably just a lot of fear. And I was afraid, you know,
maybe, you know, who knows? Sure.
00:14:07,920 But yeah, so even this the second time around, you know, having, you
know, what made this happen the first time and you did tell your family,
knowing that they, that they did keep that distance when this came,
when this happened the second time, did you, did
00:14:23,720 you feel safe to go to your family this time? You know, it's so hard
because again, it was so long ago. I don't know what I felt in that
moment.
00:14:31,640 But for whatever reason, I did not. Sure. I didn't tell anyone.
00:14:35,440 Tell years later. It really opened up. During this period of time that this
was ongoing that came to town, never met him.
00:14:49,560 And I remember just one of my other family members and I were talking
about this a few years ago, like how odd it was because I would have
been like 10 years old and I think he was like 27 and he comes to town
for this.
00:15:00,360 I think was fourth of July family event and, you know, looking back, it's
like I remember him like holding my hand and very much like just kind
of almost like the grooming. Sure.
00:15:11,480 And then, you know, one night during this period of time, he's like, hey,
let's go to the pool. And I remember, you know, he pushing me over the
fence at the local community pool and, you
00:15:24,040 know, we came home and my clothes were dry, but my hair was wet
and nobody thought anything. Oh, interesting. And you know, I think it's
just, I blame a lot on the time, not necessarily blame, but I
00:15:38,280 think there's some understanding and understanding that time. Also
understanding that people were quite naive to sexual abuse. And they
just, I think it was also a time in our country where for the most part,
you just
00:15:52,160 looked at people and you thought most people were good. Yeah. We
think most people are good and have good intentions.
00:15:57,920 Yeah. So if you have that mindset that, you know, most people are good
and have good intentions, then you just think, oh, no big deal.
00:16:06,120 Maybe she, you know, maybe somebody threw water on her head, you
know, you just don't think through those things. Yeah, absolutely.
00:16:11,680 Thought process that goes on. So, you know, I will say in spite of it, like
I do think that for me personally, you know, the side effects of those
situations, the no boundaries, the things that I think attributed
00:16:27,040 to or contributed to, rather, my later getting into abusive situations and
adult relationships, you know, that, that those, that definitely was part of
it. But I do think too that my parents, having the foundation with them, I
definitely felt
00:16:43,720 safe with them. Okay. You know, I had that solid family foundation.
00:16:48,280 So I had a lot of joy in my childhood. Yeah. Absolutely.
00:16:52,480 I definitely did. I think that's where it was so hard for me because, you
know, most families have a sense of loyalty and we do for sure.
00:17:00,920 And it's not loyalty because it's secrets. We don't know anybody to
know because my parents are just common people. They're very loving
kind people.
00:17:08,960 But it's also like you don't want to put a taint on, you know, because
when I look back at childhood, I mean, it was such a blessing. Sure.
00:17:17,560 Absolutely. And I just have so many tremendous, you know, great, great
memories. Yeah.
00:17:24,040 So you don't want to like taint that and be like, oh, this is like the
overshadowed. Right. No.
00:17:28,760 There were instances. There were out, that were out of your control, but
your overall childhood was, right. It was wonderful.
00:17:36,440 And your family was amazing. That's perfect. For sure.
00:17:40,600 So, but again, you know, for the purposes of going back, you know, to
understand. Mm-hmm. So when you fast forward like many years later,
like my very first, really super serious relationship,
00:17:55,640 I was working in a fast food restaurant as a senior in high school. And
one of my managers who was like three years older than me, you
know, we started hanging out.
00:18:07,240 I was very intrigued with him. We got super serious. And he had a
problem with alcohol.
00:18:13,400 And his problem had developed, you know, his father had had a
problem and had actually died in a drunk driving accident. Oh, and so
he had all these things that he had dealt with.
00:18:24,720 Oh, absolutely. I come to the table with these things. And it was just a
mess.
00:18:28,040 Yeah. I mean, he was very abusive, physically and emotionally. It was
just a horrible situation.
00:18:35,240 And so it comes back to those lack of boundaries and knowing what
boundaries were. We're boundaries even talked about in the 80s. I don't
even think that they were.
00:18:43,920 I don't think that that was a thing then. So there's a really popular book
that was written, I think it was Townsend, don't quote me on this
because I don't remember one of the authors, I think it was Townsend.
00:18:52,600 There's like two authors and it's called boundaries. And I think it was
actually written in the 70s and it's been revised multiple times. It is a
great book.
00:19:00,120 I read it many times in my life. And yeah, the name of it was
boundaries. So I do think there was in the circle of like psychology,
psychiatry, sociology in those
00:19:13,200 fields, I think there was definitely an awareness. People who were in
counseling scenarios and were open to that. I definitely think it was
about that.
00:19:22,920 It wasn't an open thing though. Sure. You know, in society today, we
love tag words.
00:19:28,080 Yes. Narcissism, codependency, boundaries. Absolutely.
00:19:33,080 Absolutely. Yeah. We love that.
00:19:36,080 Yeah. Well, and we access that we have now to an entire world of
information compared to back then is so very different as well.
00:19:49,760 So I mean, people who aren't studying these things are going to school
for them and really getting in depth about them are just getting a brief
cliff notes version, right, of what things are and then thinking that they
understand it and are able to diagnose or you know, call
00:20:10,840 something that they see might be whatever they perceive the diagnosis
to be. And so it is just a different time like what we were talking about.
It's a different time.
00:20:22,760 And I think that unfortunately, fortunately, however you want to look at it,
we have a lot of educated therapists and we have a lot of faux
therapists. We have a lot of people that therapy is each other.
00:20:32,720 And I've been guilty of that too. I'm like, I try to, I don't always say that.
I'm not trying to therapy you.
00:20:39,760 But it's like it's for me personally because of the experiences I've had.
Sure. And it's particularly later on in life with going through abuse,
physical abuse in a
00:20:51,600 marriage and then my child being abused, my way of understanding or
coping I think was to read and educate myself. Absolutely.
00:21:00,320 I read anything and everything that people threw at me. And so I can
have a tendency at times because I do have an understanding, but I
just, you know, so you have that understanding you've seen, you've
read about things.
00:21:12,880 So I think I can have a tendency sometimes to be like, oh my gosh, that
seems like this or it seems like that or this. Yeah, which is sharing and
you are, it does come from, you know, a heart of just wanting
00:21:24,400 to help. But I'm sorry, totally got off on a tangent. Let's go back to senior
and high school working at a fast food restaurant and that relationship
00:21:34,200 there. So that relationship was super, super unhealthy. I don't think that
when I look back now, especially having other experiences in life, I
think
00:21:44,480 that it was a very injured person. Like I didn't, I still today see a kind
living individual who had an issue with alcohol and had some issues
that weren't dealt with.
00:21:56,240 And my understanding was that he had witnessed his father abuse his
mother physically. And so it was just kind of a continuation of that. And
so yeah, so I mean, we ended up living together and I left in the middle
of the night
00:22:14,480 when I was the typical things of a lifetime series movie where you show
up at your parents house and you've got like the bruise to face and, you
know, you're running. And that is probably how I would classify the
majority of my early 20s.
00:22:31,200 Really? Yeah. Okay.
00:22:34,200 Anytime anything, that was my whole thing. Anytime anything got
difficult, I ran. In fact, in that scenario, I had gone back and forth a few
times and then I actually left
00:22:42,960 the country. Really? Yeah.
00:22:45,960 Let's dive into that. Let's dive into that. So what do you think got you to
that point?
00:22:54,000 To leaving the country? Yes. I think that it was escape.
00:22:57,200 I think that it was like I said, an abusive situation. And, you know, I've
heard people talk about this, but I didn't realize until just now as we're
talking that I did feel this way in this situation too.
00:23:10,520 I've heard women in men talk about being in a relationship where they
feel trapped. Like and there's no logical reason why they're trapped.
Yeah.
00:23:19,800 Like, okay, I'm financially supporting myself. I'm this, this, this, this, this.
I mean, I don't even live with this person.
00:23:24,280 I don't even live with my own, my own home. I've heard women in men
talk about this all the time, but then they get themselves in a situation
where they feel trapped.
00:23:31,600 And it's like, it's definitely, you know, it's an emotional, it's like a logical
thing, right? I'm assuming is like, and I've had that.
00:23:37,880 And I realized like, for me, I don't think I really had that feeling of
trapped so much then, but I think I didn't because my way was to flee
and run. Sure.
00:23:50,840 There was definitely something there that was like, I have to, maybe
that's a fighter flight. I mean, I'm, you know, just kind of looking at it at
that, that need of like, oh my gosh, this is a horrible situation.
00:24:01,880 I just have to get out of here. Yes. And so I had actually went on a, I
was going to a travel college.
00:24:08,800 I had went to regular school, but then I thought I wanted to be a travel
agent. A true travel college. That's a fantastic.
00:24:14,480 I'm like, you know, the great thing about that is like, as I went through
my years, I didn't follow through that. Like, I do know most of the, you
know, the little short three letter things for most airports.
00:24:24,400 Yes. I love it. I was like, I know what that is.
00:24:27,920 That's so great. Yeah. But at that time, I remember they had this
opportunity where all of the students could go,
00:24:35,480 we, it was kind of not really requirement, but they wanted you to go and
kind of have that experience of how like travel agents go and they get
to go to resorts for a very minimal expense and you go and you review,
review the resort.
00:24:46,520 And at that time, that's how we did it. There was no like internet. Okay.
00:24:50,520 So, you know, you, you visited it and then you told other people about
how you like the resort. Whatever. Yeah.
00:24:55,480 So I went with this whole group of classmates to King Coon and it was
like, I think it was like $200 for a weekend. Well, that's fantastic.
00:25:05,760 That's fantastic. Signed me up. I know it was long time ago.
00:25:09,960 And, and while I was there, I met a lady who owned like a, it was kind of
like a condominium type resort thing, but they had group fitness classes
and I was a really big into group fitness. Yes.
00:25:21,400 And so she was like, hey, if you ever want to come back and I was
looking for an escape. And so one, one day after, you know, really
rough night and a bad, another bad, you know, instance and
circumstance, I snuck away and took all my stuff and I remember
driving
00:25:40,720 on, I think at the time, Tulsa was like the closest airport. I don't know
why I didn't go to it. It actually wasn't, but who cares?
00:25:47,640 But you need more distance, maybe. I just remember like calling from
the Tulsa airport, calling my parents. I'm like, I'm going to Mexico and
they're like, wow.
00:25:58,360 Wow. You know, wow. Yeah.
00:26:01,880 And so I left an escape and I was there for, I visited after, I think, I think
it was a solid year before I visited. So you were in Mexico for an entire
year before visiting back home.
00:26:16,280 Yeah. And I lived at this condominium resort and I met people from all
over the world, which was super cool and top fitness classes and, you
know, it was, you know, it was an experience
00:26:26,840 and pre-facebook. So, you know, it happens in Cancun, stays in
Cancun. So you were escaping the relationship.
00:26:39,480 You were escaping the abuse. Was there anything else that you were
escaping at that time? I looking back today definitely think that I spent
the majority of my life running.
00:26:52,560 I think I was running from all of it. I was running from, you know, the
memories, the not understanding what had happened. This feeling of
not wanting to be who I was.
00:27:06,000 I mean, you know, I was talking to somebody about this the other day
and I'm like, I look back at how lost I was. Yeah.
00:27:14,960 And in a such a good example that you can have those foundational
things. You can have a wonderful family, great parents, and be very
loved. I knew I was loved taking care of, but there was something in
me.
00:27:25,480 And I don't know. Maybe that would have been in me without those
circumstances, but I do think that contributed, you know, the abuse
contributed to a lot of it.
00:27:34,120 But there was something in me that I, and even at that age, like there
was always this message, one of the things I remember that I think
played in is, you know, the people who played part in abusing me as a
child, there was always, oh, you're such a pretty girl and all these
00:27:48,480 things. And so I think the message for me, even though I grew up with
parents are like, you can do anything.
00:27:54,240 You want to be an astronaut. Yeah. Who's here?
00:27:57,240 Who's here? But there was definitely the message that my value was
external. And I think that I was just running from all of it.
00:28:07,680 I was running from what did that mean about me? Who did this mean I
was? Why was I someone that was so worthless that some other
human being felt like they could
00:28:17,520 just do with me whatever they wanted to? Yeah, absolutely. And so I
remember getting down there and like people, you know, of course you
meet people
00:28:25,000 from, I mean, literally you meet people from all over the country. People
from Europe, it's a big vacation spot, right? And people would ask me,
so like, did you go to school?
00:28:34,720 And I'm like, yeah, I went to college. I did for a semester. I didn't tell
people I had a degree, but like I just remember painting this picture of
00:28:46,480 like this great, you know, like, oh, you know, this just great. Everything
was wonderful. And you know, all these things.
00:28:55,520 And you got to be whoever you want. And you wanted to be interesting.
Yeah.
00:29:02,400 And I was like, wow, I look back at that. And again, it's like, I don't think
I really took things, I don't remember taking things to an extent of like
just out and out lying.
00:29:11,560 Sure. But you do, I do remember just painting this picture. And it was so
easy to believe because here I was this fitness instructor.
00:29:19,240 Yeah, I was bubbly and I was super young and, you know, and it was
like, oh my gosh, she just seems like, you know, and I played that part.
And we've talked about that because we both taught fitness classes.
00:29:29,360 Like how when you step in front of a class, which I don't teach now, but
I did for over 30 years. So when you step in front of a class, it's like you
like, you know, this is the day where you,
00:29:39,360 this is the moment of the day where you're letting go. And I always
understood the responsibility of the time to when most people, this is
the moment in their day, they can finally relax and just focus on
something else.
00:29:49,360 And so you come at it not in a fake way, but it's like you want people to
enjoy, have the camaraderie with the class, but also with you and enjoy
the time that they're there with you.
00:30:00,360 Yeah, you're investing in them. And so, you know, I think that came
early for me. And that was definitely a, a nobility I had early on.
00:30:08,560 And so, you know, I just, I just played that. I mean, I played that part. I
was the, you know, the pleasing, pleasing one, the, you know, bubbly
one, the one who, you
00:30:20,560 know, this is who I am. And none of that other stuff existed. But it was
always this running, right?
00:30:27,160 Do you feel like that living this, I wouldn't, I don't, I guess, different
personality, different reality? Do you feel like that served you in the way
that you thought that it was going to or that
00:30:44,760 you needed it to during that time? Or I mean, sure, you know, I didn't
really get super close to anybody. I mean, of course, I got into, I mean, I
was there for a year and I had a boyfriend.
00:30:53,760 I mean, it's like that was one thing that was constant with me. I don't
think there was ever a time in my life until the last two years that I was
in a relationship and didn't have a, a boy or me in my life, you know, I
mean, it's just there
00:31:07,960 was always a relationship there. There was always something else. I
was searching to fill those holes and searching to, to kind of give me
the significance that
00:31:18,240 I felt like I lacked. Oh, absolutely. So what brought you back?
00:31:23,800 What got you back home? Yeah. I think I had visited home a few times
and went back and forth and then there was a moment
00:31:29,640 where I was like, I just missed my family. There was that. I think it was
missing family, missing out on family and just this need of feeling like
it's
00:31:39,640 time to go back and live again. Sure. You know, get back to reality
because let's just face it, getting up, living in a bikini
00:31:46,560 every day and teaching fitness classes and playing volleyball on the
beach, you know, it's fun, but you know, super fun, but maybe not your
lifetime career, right? I do it forever.
00:31:58,640 Yeah, unfortunately. I know. I know.
00:32:01,640 That's too bad. So what did life look like? Because I'm sure when you
were there, it was so easy to just stuff down everything that
00:32:10,280 had happened in all those feelings and so coming back to this like
different reality, what transpired in your life after that. Yeah, so it's crazy
because looking at it, I don't know that I really thought about this
00:32:22,520 until just now, but you know, having those experiences and then coming
back and the people that you, you know, re-engaging with people that
you know, they're like, hey, where you've been, what a great
opportunity to get again focused on another reality.
00:32:34,520 Oh, I live this great life in Mexico and I did this and it was great. Yes. I
did live a great time there.
00:32:41,160 I had a wonderful time. I met wonderful people. I was very fortunate.
00:32:44,160 I was very fortunate that I was safe and had a great group of friends,
but all that being said is like, so that was the whole focus, you know, it
was just like, that's what I did. And I came back.
00:32:54,840 I went back to school again. Okay. I did that a lot.
00:32:59,400 I did, I did eventually finish, but I did that a lot and got another group of
friends, got into another relationship and you know, it was just this
continuation, this continued cycle.
00:33:09,080 And I'm gotten to another relationship and which was somewhat again
with someone else who really had some issues, you know, I had
issues, they had issues. And that was kind of like the theme of my, like I
said, the theme of my 20s, the early 20s
00:33:26,080 for sure. And you know, it just was a continuation. I did have a healthy
relationship in my mid 20s with a great, you know, gentleman who
00:33:39,040 I can't handle it. It's so weird because when you're in like groups of
people who are domestic violence, people who've gone through
domestic violence or abuse, I find it really fascinating because at
00:33:51,720 some point I know when women are going around and talking, there's
going to be a point where the majority of women when they start
showing relationships are like, you know, I've had this abusive
relationship, but this one, this one and this one and then there was the
00:34:03,800 good one. Yes. And it's so common.
00:34:06,800 I mean, you read about it in books. And now we read about it on the
internet. I mean, it's so common and I'm not just trying to normalize,
you know, that that's what happened,
00:34:14,360 but it is what happened and you just can't handle it because I knew how
to deal with abuse. I knew how to deal with trying to control the situation
to keep myself safe and then trying to deal with it when it wasn't.
00:34:29,040 Sure. But I didn't know how to deal with someone who could just love
you. Yeah.
00:34:34,800 And I didn't think I deserved that. I didn't. I was so convinced that this
was because of who I was, that there was no way I could accept
00:34:44,480 that. Yes. So I just blew it up.
00:34:47,480 And that is a very common feeling for women in general, but especially
women who have been through some kind of abuse situations. Yeah.
00:34:59,080 I do think women in general struggle. And, you know, I think that, you
know, in society, you know, it's all the things. We're supposed to,
women are supposed to be beautiful and a certain size and even today,
00:35:14,760 even though we're blessed with the ability to speak our minds and have
more of a voice, which is, you know, a big piece of no edits, having a
voice. You know, there's still, I do think for the most part, the
overarching theme is women are
00:35:30,520 supposed to be a certain way and men are supposed to be a certain
way. It's both races, you know, not races, but genders. Genders, thank
you.
00:35:37,600 I'm like, wait, that wasn't it? Hold on. Wait, that wasn't it.
00:35:42,600 That's why we call it no way. Yes, exactly. So both genders, you know,
definitely struggle with that.
00:35:52,360 Absolutely. But yeah, so I mean, I came back and it was like, well, I had
all these great experiences. So I go on to have, you know, another
relationship, had a healthy one between and then at one point
00:36:03,120 moved to Dominican Republic. Oh, wow. I know.
00:36:07,360 Wow. So was this a running? Running again.
00:36:11,360 Again, again. Okay. Absolutely running.
00:36:14,360 Yeah. You know, I just continued to blow my world up. Yeah.
00:36:19,400 I mean, I would, I mean, I was a hard worker. And my parents definitely
instilled that in me. Yeah.
00:36:25,000 And then it would have a great job and work really hard and then
something to go wrong. I would, you know, miss me in a trinances or it
was always a random relationship for me. Yeah.
00:36:34,440 Nine out of 10, 99.99% of the time. It was a relationship thing. And you
know, and things would start to fall apart.
00:36:41,920 You know, it would have a relationship, things would start to fall apart.
And then I would rhyme. And I was gone.
00:36:46,560 And off trying to fix it again. Yes. And my way at that point in my life of
fixing it was to run.
00:36:53,640 I heard about new start, fresh start. Yeah. I hadn't met yet another and
that was the healthy relationship I had.
00:36:59,960 Someone who was doing, he was a, going to medical school, doing an
internship in the United States and, you know, happened to be in
Dominican Republic for working at a clinic and doing some schooling
and things there.
00:37:13,960 And so I left. Yeah. And I went down and, and that was the one that like
I said, a completely blew up because
00:37:21,600 I couldn't handle it. It was just, I didn't believe I was always waiting for
the shooted drop. Yeah.
00:37:28,400 I couldn't believe it. You know, it was like this, no way, no way was
somebody going to treat me this way. Yeah.
00:37:34,920 It was going to be okay. So once I blew that up, I stayed there, had a
roommate from another country and she and I shared an apartment and
I stayed.
00:37:41,120 I was there for about four and a half years and then once again, you
know, I had, during that period of time, I had another boyfriend and
things crumbled and I was like, you know, came home.
00:37:54,200 Yeah. Four and a half years you were there. Wow.
00:37:58,000 Came home and I remember just like culture shock. Mm-hmm. Oh, I
would love it.
00:38:03,040 Yes. I was like, how do I do this again? Yeah.
00:38:07,400 You know, it's just complete culture shock. But then once again, I had
this great story. Yeah.
00:38:11,240 Oh my gosh, you're doing it for four years. This is fun, they're beautiful.
Yeah.
00:38:17,240 And so it was really, you know, yet again. Yeah. But still had that
support of your family.
00:38:24,600 Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And my sister, she was just a gym.
00:38:28,840 I mean, she always has been and she's been like, we've had a lot of
joking over the years. I'm like, you know, being married in divorce more
than once in my life, I'm like, I should have been a attorney and I'm like,
you should have been a therapist.
00:38:43,040 Because with the hours, she's had an amazing, it's like, wow. You
know, we just like chose her own career path. Absolutely.
00:38:49,680 Yeah, she was great. She went back and stayed with her and her
husband was in the military and so they were in Colorado. And so I
went back and lived with them for a little bit, and then I stayed there in
Colorado.
00:39:02,280 And so that's where I met my oldest three children there. That's where I
met their father. Okay.
00:39:08,280 And so that was kind of the beginning. And it was interesting because
during that period of time, yeah, I always had like a relationship. It
seemed like it was always, and I just, you know, in my mind, it didn't
really, you
00:39:19,760 know, when you look back, now you're like, wow, yes. Yeah. Yeah.
00:39:24,600 So, you know, because I always thought, well, I would always, I was
like, I wasn't promiscuous. I wasn't one to sleep around. I wasn't, you
know, and so I just thought it was normal.
00:39:35,080 Yes. Like I had a boyfriend for three years and then, okay, well, we're
done. Now I've got another boyfriend for three years.
00:39:39,960 Yeah. And I see that he was like, you got attachment. Yes.
00:39:43,440 Having that attachment. Always forming an attachment, which today I
think we call it a trauma bond. Oh, okay.
00:39:50,480 Yeah. All right. With people who had their own traumas and things they
had it dealt with.
00:39:56,320 Interesting. And then within the toxicity of the relationship, you're
creating trauma and trauma for each other.
00:40:02,400 Yes. And so then there's that bond of working through, I mean, it's just
crazy. And then like, building of additional trauma.
00:40:08,720 Yeah. I don't want to try to be a therapist on this one because I've really
started to dive into some of the different, you know, bonding types just
for my own knowledge and just understanding
00:40:18,600 of things. And it's something that I ran across. So I'm still learning about
that.
00:40:22,160 But I was like, when I learned about a little bit about trauma bonding
and, you know, just anxious attachments and things like that, I was like,
Oh, man. You're interesting.
00:40:33,600 You're playing. This seems so familiar. Is this?
00:40:38,000 That could be a whole episode on itself. Me. Yeah.
00:40:44,000 I love that. Yeah. You know, yes, so coming back, you know, I met him
and he was nine years older and man,
00:40:53,600 that was had he been married before? No. No.
00:40:57,560 And that was the first time that I was like truly allowed myself to open
up and really attached to a person and not run. And back.
00:41:06,440 Interesting. I was so over the top and love with him. We had so many
things in common.
00:41:11,680 Like he really, he really was able to touch and speak to that part of that
foundational part of me, you know, the like group camping and love the
simple things in life. And, you know, it's like I learned to fly fish with him
and he was a big flyer fisherman.
00:41:27,600 And, you know, just those things that were like, you bonded on the best
of your childhood and growing up. Absolutely.
00:41:35,360 And you know, I have these parents that have been married 54 years
this year. And it's like, I saw this, did I see struggles? Sure I did.
00:41:44,160 I mean, they're human beings. Everybody has them. But one of the
coolest things was like, and we were talking about this either day, I was
00:41:49,960 at their visiting, like I have this fly away. I was at their visiting and we
are sitting on my parents' back porch and like the time for the boys, like
six hours and my mom, she's like, yeah, I remember when you guys
were
00:42:01,960 kids and your dad and I would be out here and fall asleep. We used to
have like this glider and then my mom would take a sleeping bag out
and lay on the porch.
00:42:10,000 They fall asleep and she's like, and when we got to be teenagers, you
know, she said, I'm a real girl, so come on, go, you come into bed. You
know, like you guys are going to go to bed.
00:42:18,600 They just had that. For all the struggle, there was, there's so much love
and a genuine, you know, they are best friends.
00:42:26,600 Yeah. And I wanted that. And I think that that relationship for me was,
that was the first time I ever felt anything
00:42:33,960 even close to that. Really? I really just pour out everything and be
vulnerable and have some, you know, what I thought was
00:42:43,320 trust. Sure. And so that's why when the abuse started happening, I
mean, we were dating and I just,
00:42:53,880 oh, so it happened during the dating season. It was, and even after
you're married. Yeah.
00:42:59,720 I mean, and you know, at that time, I would have never said it was
abuse because it was circumstances like we had went camping and we
got into an argument and like he, I mean, it's Colorado. Like there's
mountain lions.
00:43:13,200 Yeah. And we're driving, I think I just spit on the mic. I do.
00:43:17,200 I'm like, I see that flying. I'm like, oh gosh. Anyway, no, what it's.
00:43:22,600 But we're, you're going up camping, you know, in the mountains and we
got into an argument. I have no idea what it was about. And you know,
at this point, we're just dating and he's like pulls over the vehicle and it's
00:43:35,680 dark. He's like, get out. And I mean, we're in the middle of the
mountains again.
00:43:40,640 Wow. You know, mountain lions, there's all kinds of things. Yes.
00:43:44,120 Yes. And I remember just being shocked. And I got out and he drove off
and it was pitch black.
00:43:52,080 And I remember at that point, I was hysterical. I was terrified. I started
crying, you know, and then he comes back around and he's looking for
me.
00:44:00,160 And then he goes, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to be like, look at the
mountain lion. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:04,160 I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, what is
this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this?
00:44:08,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:11,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:14,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:31,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:34,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:37,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:40,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:43,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:46,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:49,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:52,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:55,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:44:58,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:01,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:18,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:21,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:24,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:27,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:30,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:33,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:36,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:39,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:42,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:45:45,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:02,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:05,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:08,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:11,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:14,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:17,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:20,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:23,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:26,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm
going to be like, what is this?
00:46:29,160 I'm going to be like, what is this? I'm going to be like, what is this? I was
like, let's do it.
00:46:47,160 This is the love of my life. Let's do this. I was pregnant with my first
child about five months pregnant.
00:46:51,160 The first time that he shoved his fist through a book, not through,
because it's all the way in. He shoved the bone out of his hand with a
boxer's fracture.
00:46:57,160 We ended up in the emergency room for that. I remember the
emergency room doctor basically was like, hey, I've been doing this for
a long time. You didn't slip on the ice.
00:47:08,160 And he looked at me and he said, she's in no condition. She doesn't
need this stress. So whatever happened, you need to get some help.
00:47:17,160 Wow. It was interesting because there was a few things I remember
about it. His family instantly was there, like his parents.
00:47:26,160 And they were there. And there was a lot of diminishing. There was a
lot of excuses.
00:47:30,160 There was a lot of questions always for me throughout that period of
time. Not just then, but I mean throughout the relationship. Like, what
did you do?
00:47:37,160 You know, because everything was kept secret. But the few things that
couldn't be kept secret, the question was always there. Sure.
00:47:44,160 And do you know, did he have that in his family? Was this like a scene,
not to my knowledge? Not to my knowledge.
00:47:52,160 Okay. So, but it's hard to say because his father had passed away from
terminal disease, like, you know, when he was an adolescent. Oh, wow.
00:48:05,160 So not to my knowledge, but I don't know. Sure. I know that there was
some speak of, you know, just like, there was some talk about, like, you
know, some very stringent, maybe crossing the line, disciplining at
times.
00:48:18,160 Okay. But, you know, I just don't, it's hard for me to, I don't want to point
fingers. You can't judge that.
00:48:24,160 What I experienced with them was they were really good people. Like, I
loved them. They were my family, too.
00:48:30,160 Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, let's just face it as parents. I don't
know very many parents who haven't lost their crap.
00:48:38,160 Absolutely. And crossed a line that they thought they would never
cross. No, we're not talking abuse.
00:48:43,160 I wouldn't never excuse that. But I just mean like, I certainly did. Yeah.
00:48:47,160 And, you know, it happens. Sure. So, again, not diminishing or
normalizing any sort of job abuse, but just saying, you know, I didn't see
it.
00:48:56,160 So, you know, it's hard for me to know. But, yeah, so there was just
this, you know, diminishing of things. And so, I remember after that
instance, though, that was when it was kind of like, you know, he
blamed me.
00:49:08,160 It was like, you know, you made me mad. This is your fault. You've
embarrassed me.
00:49:13,160 And, you know, and that's when I think that real abuse started. And, you
know, I was nine months pregnant the first time he punched me in the
face. And it was just a continuation.
00:49:24,160 And, I mean, there's some, we can stay at, we can sit here for hours
and hours and hours. I talk about the account. I talk about instances
that, through the period of time, I think, to the brushstroke of it was, is
that, you know, I, over time, believed everything.
00:49:40,160 I believed that he loved me. I believed that I was a level of his life and
that he was sorry and going to get help. I also believed the other things
he fed me. There was just a constant, especially in those moments of
the build up and the stress.
00:49:54,160 Like, there's just constant beat down, constantly berating, diminishing.
You know, it's, it was wild because if, if it wasn't you're the level of my
life, it was your, you know, a whole colorful list of profanities. And, you
know, I remember being pregnant and him saying, I feel so sorry for
that child.
00:50:12,160 It's going to have you as a mother. Wow. And I was like, I mean, there
was just so much to the point that by the time my third child was born,
by the time my third child was born, like, I believed it.
00:50:24,160 I was so beat down. I was like, I just thought I was just, and because of
the experiences I had in my childhood, I just thought, well, I'm just the
drugs of the earth. Yeah.
00:50:35,160 I'm not worth anything. And, you know, my whole goal in life was just
trying to do it right. Just trying not to upset him, trying to do it right.
00:50:43,160 You know, yeah. And I did, you know, I've always been a little spirited.
You know, I had some spirit to me.
00:50:49,160 It's not like, it's not like I was this just completely submissive. Not in the
beginning. Yeah.
00:50:56,160 Towards the end of us. Not in the beginning. You know, I remember one
time going to the grocery store and so random.
00:51:01,160 And I was so proud because we had been talking, I think, and I've been
talking about like, our childhood, how my mom made crab cakes. And
you kind of like those nostalgic things. Yeah.
00:51:11,160 And I definitely was a homemaker. And so I remember so proud I got
crab cakes on sale. And I don't know why.
00:51:20,160 I mean, even journal about this. I don't know why it sticks in my head,
but it's like just a glimpse of like, you know, he calls me and I'm on my
way. Home.
00:51:28,160 And, you know, I think he was coming back from work and it's like I got
crab cakes and I mean, he just blew up. And it was all the names and
all the things. And I'm like, and I remember just being like writing about
it.
00:51:40,160 Yeah. Because I didn't tell anybody. Sure.
00:51:43,160 But writing about it and even in the passive voice of, oh, gosh, you
would have thought I bought a flip and BMW. Sure. You know, I mean,
like, I just had come the way of being of diminishing.
00:51:54,160 Right. Right. Accepting diminishing.
00:51:57,160 And then also feeling like, well, I screwed up again. And I can't do, I
can't keep screwing up, you know, this keeps happening. Right.
00:52:06,160 Yeah, trying to hold it together and I so wanted to hold it together for my
kids. And, you know, I really felt like because the abuse was only
happening to me, that it was me until it wasn't. Wow.
00:52:17,160 Yeah. So your abuse came in different forms. You had the physical and
the emotional abuse.
00:52:28,160 Right. And when it sounds like when you did try to maybe share some
of it, you didn't share it maybe with more safe people like your family. It
was more his family would find out about scenarios, but then it's turned
back around on you.
00:52:44,160 And well, what did you do? I didn't really share with his family. There
was only a couple of instances when I was pregnant with my first.
00:52:54,160 I had made dinner one night and it was a scenario where, I don't know,
again, I don't know what the argument was or what happened, but it
ended up with him throwing his plate of food at me. And it hit me and it
came all the way down my shirt and about that time his mother ring the
doorbell. Oh, well.
00:53:11,160 And it was like, instead there was no hiding it. And she was like, what's
going on here? And I remember just like, well, what happened in him?
00:53:20,160 Of course, trying to explain, you know, of course, your adults too. And
then, you know, her asking me later on, like, what I had said to him.
And, you know, it was just like, I don't remember, you know, this point,
but the bottom line is is that nothing that you say or a person says gives
another person the right to abuse them.
00:53:40,160 Absolutely. And it's down no matter what. And, you know, again, I don't
blame them at all.
00:53:46,160 I think that it's dealing with a difficult situation with an ugly situation in a
way, I mean, you're not equipped in the only way that probably they
knew how. Sure. And, you know, but yeah, so, you know, little things
like that, you know, I didn't share though.
00:54:05,160 I mean, it was like little things that couldn't, you know, I didn't, the only
person I really shared anything with was my sister. And to this day, I
just looking back, you know, I would trickle little things out. But what I
would trickle out is when I was afraid for my life.
00:54:23,160 Wow. Oh my gosh. You know, this could have ended, this could have
ended in a different way.
00:54:32,160 Yeah, yeah. And, but then I swore her to secrecy. Right.
00:54:37,160 And that was just the worst. I mean, I look back today. I mean, I
remember after everything came out and came to a head and we're
going through court trials on this and she was helping me.
00:54:46,160 I had kept a diary always. I mean, I kept a diary since I was like a little,
little girl. And so that became court evidence.
00:54:54,160 And so we were tasked with going through. And one of us was typing
and the other one was, and I was typing and she was reading. And I
remember it was just so hard for her.
00:55:04,160 Oh, I can't imagine. And she was like, and I remember at one point, she
was like, you know, we've talked about it since then. And she's like, I
just felt so responsible.
00:55:13,160 And she felt like, and she's shared with me that, you know, she was
terrified. And she'd have nightmares of, oh my gosh, she's getting a
phone call and he'd skilled me. Wow.
00:55:22,160 And she never told. Sure. And so I know there was guilt there and,
gosh, you know, I hate that.
00:55:28,160 I wish I could take it back. You can't. Mm-hmm.
00:55:31,160 But all those things being said, you know, it's like that was the only
person that, and I shared very, very little. The majority of everything
came out when things came to a head. Sure.
00:55:39,160 So in this time, you, did you really just feel like you were staying in the
marriage for the kids, protecting the kids? What, what do you, what was
kind of going on in your mind now that you have three kids together at
this point? So what was there at that time?
00:56:01,160 You know, at that point in time, after my third child, I do think, you know,
because, other than the first pregnancy, during my other two
pregnancies, that would be a time generally of peace. Now, there would
be things like grabbing arms.
00:56:17,160 I'd have bruises in my arms and maybe legs. There would be things like
that, but there wasn't any, you know, there was no big violence. There
was no hitting.
00:56:25,160 There was no big hitting or anything like that, you know, I hate it
because I even hear myself diminishing it now. Sure. But all that being
said, so I think, I say that to say, I think that those times gave me hope.
00:56:36,160 Like I thought, maybe this could stop because if you can stop, you
know, during these nine months, right, or, you know, not, not do so
much, you know, during these nine months, then, you know, maybe
there is hope. And, you know, I wanted it to work.
00:56:49,160 I wanted it to be, you know, this was the father of my children. I was
madly in love with them. Yeah.
00:56:56,160 I really felt like that I was protecting the children. But there was a
moment after the birth of my third child that someone had given me a
book. And it was written by a Lundy Beancroft and it's called, why does
he do that?
00:57:08,160 Into the minds of angering, controlling men. And the interesting thing
about this is this is a, a female friend of mine who had lived through
domestic violence in her childhood. And she recognized some things.
00:57:19,160 Interesting. Yeah. She recognized some things, but we never talked
about it.
00:57:23,160 And so she said, hey, by mom and I were talking about you, and I
wanted to give you this book. And I just remember being shocked,
maybe a little, even offended. Uh-huh.
00:57:31,160 You know, because you're hiding it so well. Right. Yeah, you have this,
you give the persona of this perfect life.
00:57:37,160 Right. And so, um, so yeah, so I hid the book. Mm-hmm.
00:57:43,160 And I don't think I read it for maybe a year. Wow. Now it wasn't that
long.
00:57:47,160 It was a few months. Maybe a couple months. I started to read it at any
rate.
00:57:51,160 Right. I think, I think when I actually, now I'm backing up here, but I
think I started, got the book and started to read it. Right.
00:57:57,160 I was pregnant with my third and I know that factually now is I'm
thinking it through. Okay. Um, and so I started to come to this
awareness like, wow, when I started reading this book, I'm like, oh my
gosh.
00:58:09,160 This is who I'm married to. Wow. This is my life.
00:58:12,160 Yeah. And so as I started getting some awareness, um, I remember,
you know, internet was a thing then, it was dial up. And I remember like
searching out a few things and then finding this underground
organization for a domestic violence victim.
00:58:30,160 And so I started going to some counseling and it was wild. It was
everything you see in the movies. It was, you know, you call up.
00:58:36,160 It's all anonymous. They give you an address. You pull up.
00:58:39,160 There's no nothing on the window. It's just an address. You could take
the children.
00:58:42,160 If you had money because it doesn't matter. It's not a sense of how
much money, you know, your family makes. It's about they control, you
know, usually abusers control most of that.
00:58:53,160 Oh, absolutely. And so if you had any money, you could contribute
whatever a few bucks you had for the session. If not, it was fine.
00:59:02,160 There was a place for the children, you know, that was safe. And they,
they don't, you know, just kind of start talking you through like, um, your
life, what's going on and helping you see that, hey, this isn't normal.
00:59:15,160 Because remember, I thought it was normal. I thought it was just a
consequence of being me. Yes.
00:59:20,160 Yes. And so I did start to gain some awareness, which is ironic because
as things played out, you know, after the, it was after the birth of my
third child that the whole thing just fell apart.
00:59:36,160 And everything crumpled. And, um, yeah, I mean, it was just, it was, uh,
there was no explaining anymore. Sure.
00:59:50,160 I can take all the responsibility I wanted, but when the abuse steps
outside of you, when it's not just you anymore, then it's something
different. Sure. Then, then the excuses and the lies you've been fed,
they're still tight, but they start to unravel a little bit.
01:00:04,160 And you start to think this brainwashing, which essentially is what I
believe it kind of is, the brainwashing about who you are and your, you
know, worthiness or lack thereof, um, starts to unravel a little bit. And
you're like, no, wait a minute.
01:00:18,160 What about this innocent child? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
01:00:23,160 So when was it that you discovered that this had now moved beyond
just the abuse of you? Yeah. Well, um, it was a few months after my
youngest was born and one of my other children, um,
01:00:45,160 I had been bathing them all, you know, I always did the baby in
Pertabed and then I was bathing them and, um, went to get one of my
other children on the tub and my child was doing something that was
just to, to, um, themselves that was just, I'd never experienced anything
like that in my life.
01:01:04,160 And I remember just being like, "Oh my gosh, what are you doing?"
And, you know, wash your hands and do this and do that. And the
response was, "Well, daddy does this to me.
01:01:15,160 It's a funny game that we play." And I just remember feeling a sense of,
"Gawashot." Oh, I can't imagine.
01:01:25,160 And, um, I did everything wrong, because I didn't know, you know? You
know, I mean, I was like, "Oh, I should, you know, I should, what do you
mean? What do you mean?
01:01:34,160 I mean, what are you saying?" And my child was like, and I said, you
know, and I asked, "Did that happen?" And I said, "Well, what are you
talking about?"
01:01:42,160 You know, "Yes." No, I was kidding. Okay, so now I know this textbook.
01:01:47,160 Your reaction brought that out in your child of, "Oh, wait, this is wrong."
Right, right. And, you know, now I know from just reading books and
things years later that that's textbook.
01:02:00,160 You know, that is, it's very common that a child will take it back,
especially when they see the reaction. But I knew something and went
really wrong. And I know that evening, like, when I went to lay my child
to bed, I just remember laying there with my child,
01:02:23,160 who had a bunk bed, and looking up and I was like, "I just knew it." And
I was so upset and, and, and I said, you know, what you told me, like,
why would you say that?
01:02:39,160 You know that mommy will protect you, you know? Mommy's here and
like, mommy needs to know, like, I'm worried and mommy needs to
know that. And then my child said, "Yeah, it did happen."
01:02:51,160 And we said there in silence, and then the next thing that was said was,
is daddy gonna kill us now? Wow. And, you know, there are moments
in your life.
01:03:03,160 It's like that ripple effect, where things start and it will impact everything
from this day forward. Absolutely. And for me, everything changed in
that moment.
01:03:15,160 Every reality I knew about anything. All my, my lying, I did to myself
about the fact that I was protecting them. Sure.
01:03:24,160 Everything changed. Sure. And, and that was at the point where I really
knew, like, I had no control of this.
01:03:32,160 Yeah. And then you don't know what to do. Right.
01:03:37,160 I mean, at the time, my husband's downstairs watching sports and I'm
upstairs, like, and I remember staying with my child that night all night.
And then it was probably two o'clock in the morning, sneaking down to
our basement and looking at the internet. And I remember being afraid
because you hear that, "Eww, we do."
01:03:57,160 Yes, we do. So loud. So loud.
01:04:01,160 I remember being afraid and trying to, you know, and then looking at
the hotline and I got this chick and from, I don't remember what it was,
a sexual abuse, halting something. And I'll never forget because she
was like this, just, you know, foreign chick. And she said, "Why?" And I
told her and she said, "Oh, honey, she said, "This is, you've got to listen
to your child. Children don't make this kind of thing up."
01:04:26,160 And I started to explain, but you don't understand. Basically, he has this
great job and, you know, he's, you know, has this big job. President of a
company and we live in a gay community.
01:04:39,160 And, you know, and this is not my life. And she's like, "Look, she's like,
this is, this has happened. And you now need to think about protecting
your other children." But it was hard for me to accept that.
01:04:57,160 And it was, I hate to say, it was the weekend. And I was like, there was
nothing in my mind that was like, you call anybody. Sure. Like, there
was no reporting calling that, so you just don't, you know, I was like,
"But what she did convince me of is that she said, take your children to
the pediatrician.
01:05:13,160 Call them on Monday. Explain. Explain what's happened." And she said,
and just had them checked out. Yeah. Well, I was so naive. I had no
idea, like, what could happen. I had no idea whatsoever.
01:05:26,160 It had no experience with social services or any other-- In the end of the
reporting. No, none of it.
01:05:33,160 Yeah. And so, I remember that particular Monday, my husband was
going to an NFL game. So it wasn't going to be around. And so I called
in the pediatrician, I explained to her or the phone.
01:05:49,160 And I could tell she was upset, which made me nervous. And she said,
just bring them in. Bring them in. And at the time, you know, the kids
were six months old, two and four.
01:05:59,160 Wow. And I bring them in. And they separate us. They did cavity
checks. They, to look at my, I guess that's what you call just to see if
there was any evidence of damage.
01:06:10,160 And, but my child who had experience abuse disclosed during that
period of time. Okay. And so once that happened, then I was brought
into a room and social services was called.
01:06:22,160 And they basically told me, here's your choice. You need to go back to
your home, get whatever you need. You've got half an hour.
01:06:30,160 And then we need to know where you're going to go. And, and of
course, I was like, kind of explaining, I'm like, but she don't understand.
She's not coming home for a long time. She's like, you don't
understand.
01:06:41,160 I need to know that you're going to get your children and say, place, or
you won't be allowed to leave there. And we will come and we will take
your children. Wow.
01:06:49,160 And so by then I was terrified. And as a mother, you know, it's just, no,
we're doing this. I mean, at the, at that point is a mom. It's just like, I'm
protecting them.
01:06:59,160 That's what's going to happen here is I'm going to protect them. And,
but it was hard, you know, it's like I spent years after that, you know,
just, it was hard, you know, just feeling like, wow, you know, there was
a period of time where I thought, you see that happen even though. I
mean, my child was evaluated over and over and, you know, all the
reports, all the evidence, everything that was there, you know, there
was so much that was there for the things that weren't there.
01:07:30,160 You know, thing, and I think that's what made it hard because I have
come to understand now that like a child that hasn't experienced
something, you know, they can't lie over and over until the same story.
And they certainly, I think that the point that I didn't want to accept to is
like, my child was describing sensation. My child was describing pain
and sensation that a child would have no knowledge of.
01:07:53,160 And so, that being said is like that was really when I had a therapist set
down with me and she said, look, here's the reality of this situation as
we were going through court processes. It was about two years that we
were going through court process. Wow.
01:08:08,160 And she said, here's the situation. In this state, if we don't demue as a
parent that's going to protect them, then we have to remove them.
Yeah.
01:08:19,160 And she said, and that's what you're looking at. She's like, you have to
protect them or they're going to lose you too. Yeah, both parents.
01:08:26,160 Yeah. Sure. And so, it was, I mean, like I said, we can talk for hours
about that, but, you know, that that was a pivotal moment.
01:08:34,160 And so, I mean, in a broad stroke, you know, it's like, there's a lot to
unpack. There's hours and things to unpack. But, you know, there's a
lot of struggles along the way.
01:08:44,160 Sure. A lot of struggles along the way, but, you know, those three
children are not all adults. They're thriving. They're doing great.
01:08:49,160 Yeah. My child who's struggled, who was abused, still struggles. And
that's really hard.
01:08:56,160 Yeah. You know, still very thriving, great, successful, but struggles. Yes.
01:09:04,160 You know, and so, so, yeah, so, I mean, you know, just, you walk
through all those things and, again, it's one of those moments where,
you know, I'll always say, abuse is not an instance. And I remember
when we got out of the situation, when, you know, at that moment, I
went and lived in a, the children, I lived in a safe house. And, and it
wasn't for long, it was like a week and then we were back in our home,
but still that was traumatizing in itself.
01:09:34,160 Yeah, absolutely. And so, I just, I just look back and I think along the
way, I mean, like, God was so good to us. Like, we were so protected.
There were so many doors open to take care of us.
01:09:48,160 But you can never be prepared. Yeah. You never, ever are prepared for
something like that.
01:09:53,160 Absolutely. And I think you, you know, the whole entire world at that
point, oh, my whole world, the world is, I knew it, ripped out from under
you. Right.
01:10:02,160 It was definitely the world is, I knew it, and, and, you know, like I said, it
was like a long period of time. We stayed in the state for a year and
then I was allowed to move my children closer to my family for the
support. We're still going through the court process, but for the support.
01:10:19,160 And, you know, I'm, you know, people, people think, oh, well, you know,
as my neighbors and people started hearing about it like a lost
friendships, there were people who, that was just too, you know, Yeah.
Wow.
01:10:31,160 But then I had friends that have, you know, stayed behind me and by
me the whole time. But there is this misnomeral. Like, okay, we've
taken them out of the abusive situation.
01:10:40,160 Okay, we're going through this and everything is going to be fine. That's
the far from the truth. Yeah.
01:10:46,160 We've gone through abuse, you're struggling just to figure out what's
happened just as, you know, I felt like, like, this is something I never
thought was possible. Right. You know, I knew that I was being abused,
but I never, ever thought it was possible that what transpired, I thought
maybe someday he would lose it and hit the children.
01:11:05,160 But I mean, it's never crossed my mind. Right. It was just snuck me
completely off my feet for years.
01:11:12,160 And it's the one thing that, like I said, you know, people think you're out
of the situation and everything should be fine, but it's not true. I mean,
it's that what I call the ripple effect, like I, you know, alluded to earlier is
like, you know, it's like there, this has happened and it's a ripple effect.
It's a ripple effect in everyone's life.
01:11:30,160 Sure. It's been a ripple effect in my parents' lives and everyone who
loves us in my life and not feeling of grief that I mean, still surprises me
today. I'm still struggling with grief over it and guilt, you know, how can I
couldn't protect?
01:11:45,160 Yeah. How can that happen? If I lived earlier, would that may not have
happened?
01:11:51,160 And is that why my child struggles? Is that why, you know, it's just a, it's
just a continued effect. And that's why I think it's so important that as a
woman, we share our stories.
01:12:02,160 Yeah, absolutely. And we, we are vulnerable. You know, there was a lot
of fear for many years for me. You know, I don't know if that was
legitimate fear, but I think when someone physically abuses you,
whether they're capable of taking your life or not intentionally, you
always feel like, what's the consequence?
01:12:20,160 Oh, absolutely. And so it was easy to share in non-profit arenas arenas
with people, especially when we live in a different state now and arenas
where people where you're like, oh, that person's never going to even
know that you're sharing the story or anything like that. And it's easier
to share like that, but it's not right.
01:12:37,160 Right. You know, the fact of the matter is is I am a firm believer that we
go through things and there's a purpose in it. And I really, the older I
get, I think that the purpose, part of the purpose, I will never understand
the whole purpose because there's things that I think are just so beyond
understanding.
01:12:59,160 Absolutely. But I think for now at this point in my life, if what we, if our
struggles at that time, if our struggles today, if everything around that is,
is something that we can share and will help someone. And maybe
even help someone recognize a sign or recognize something so that
they will get out so that it won't happen or even just to help someone
else get some help that's enduring that.
01:13:30,160 And then I think that's what it's about. Yeah. We're people on the earth
together meant to be a community of people.
01:13:37,160 We're supposed to be loving and helping each other. Yes. Yes,
absolutely.
01:13:41,160 We can't do that if we hide. Absolutely. It's so important to share and
build community around it.
01:13:49,160 Right. For sure. Yeah.
01:13:52,160 So how do you feel like. If there's anything further that you want to
share, let's absolutely dive into it. How do you feel like your faith tied
into getting you to where you are now?
01:14:08,160 Well, that was everything for me. You know, in fact, I think that was
another thing for me personally. Look, I am under no illusion that I am
so all powerful.
01:14:21,160 I have no control. You know, I can control the few little things that I can
control and sometimes we don't even want me doing that. But I would
say that I'm not under those same illusions today.
01:14:34,160 I look back over time and I wrestled with it. I wrestled with it at times. I
was angry at God.
01:14:40,160 I was really angry. I just didn't understand why, why, why like this. Yes.
01:14:46,160 And there was a moment where I thought, you know, I don't want to
make it sound like it had to happen this way, but I wouldn't have
believed anything else. I would have excused about anything else.
01:14:56,160 Yeah. You would have lived in that. Yeah.
01:15:00,160 I mean, when it was just you. Yeah. I mean, look, this wasn't just a
smack here and there.
01:15:04,160 I mean, like, I, I mean, I didn't know it at the time because I never
sought medical help. But now, you know, I've had my back broken
twice. The only explanation I have for that is during that time.
01:15:13,160 I do remember being knocked out and having bruises all over my face
at one point. And hiding. Yeah.
01:15:21,160 And, you know, with, with the time with my back, one of the times I do
remember because I remember like just that feeling of not feeling like
you could put so much pain, feeling that you couldn't breathe. Yeah. But
you never sought medical attention, right?
01:15:34,160 Right. You could know because that would break the sod. Right.
01:15:38,160 Right. For sure. But going back to your question about, you know, my
faith, I mean, you know, God protected me.
01:15:43,160 He did in those instances. He protected me. The children needed me.
01:15:47,160 Yeah. And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't
want to be a child."
01:15:52,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:15:58,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:03,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:09,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:20,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:25,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:29,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:33,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:37,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:49,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:53,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:56,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:16:59,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:17:16,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:17:20,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:17:23,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." And he said, "I don't want to be a child."
01:17:26,160 And he said, "I don't want to be a child." And he said, "I don't want to be
a child." really shalt it was a safe house is a couple that had a safe
house that I got
01:17:32,240 connected with and took us in in you know my pastor coming and he
had just lost his teenage son a few days before to suicide so I mean it's
like and it is crazy like I said tremendous story we can get into another
time but and I remember
01:17:51,840 him saying to me and I remember like feeling like I couldn't get up I just
could not stop crying yeah and and he said you know he told me it's like
God will carry us through this he will carry you through this time and
you know
01:18:07,600 there will be a day which is ironic when I even think about it day kind of
gives me chills when he will give you a wisdom around this and that's
and you need to share that with others yeah and so it was an evolution
it was of faith
01:18:21,140 for sure and my faith has grown but I can tell you like it was not by me
yeah it's only been through the grace of God that I sit here and that
we've been you know we went on that there's success in that there's
struggles there's
01:18:33,380 always struggles in life but you know there's still gonna be struggles but
there's absolutely there's also grace yeah and you know and that's
where you know God showed up there's so many stories I could tell you
and you know you know
01:18:49,140 through all the show share through all the show through as other people
share you know just areas where he just showed up yeah and gave me
peace yeah and strength mm-hmm and you know because I didn't have
that strength of my own yeah if it had
01:19:04,140 been all just me all up to me sadly I'm ashamed to admit it we would
probably still be in that situation I don't even know that I'd be here who
knows what would have happened but I would have never left yeah
wow so that is
01:19:18,940 that is powerful for you to share I mean just your vulnerability is going to
help so many people and because I do feel like we are we are so
scared to even admit things like that right you know we know like what's
gonna happen yeah you
01:19:42,500 know somebody getting angry yeah and you know for me it's like I can't
be afraid mm-hmm look this is my story mm-hmm this is God's story
this is this is one of the stories this is you know my story this is my life
this is what I've lived to
01:19:59,180 through if I don't have the strength the ability the right to share it who
does yes and why not yes you know we're supposed to help each other
I think we stay in bad situations and people stay what I would call sick
and toxic mm-hmm by being
01:20:16,500 silent mm-hmm you know when we stay in silence you know it's just a
breeding ground for more toxicity for more abuse for all these situations
and I really believe one of the things we can do for each other is start to
be a little bit
01:20:29,340 more outspoken yeah we don't have to call be about by name that's
why I don't use you know we talked about that we won't use names and
yes we're not we try to be a little bit as discreet as possible yes
because it's not about calling
01:20:40,340 someone out it's about sharing an experience and letting people know
that doesn't have to be this way the more awareness we have around
these type of situations I believe the more legislators will make laws I
believe the more
01:20:52,220 we'll understand that hey when when the statistics say you know it's like
one in I believe the last time I looked at was one in three or one in four
children will experience sexual abuse and their lifetime one in it's you
know some of
01:21:06,580 the statistics went higher through after COVID one in three one in four
it's very similar that will experience domestic violence in their lifetime
yeah yes and it's like you know I don't want to be silent I don't want to
have this
01:21:20,700 conversation one day with one of my daughters yes I don't I want them
to understand that it's okay and I think the more that we can speak out
and have a voice then there's gonna there's gonna start to be some
intimidation behind
01:21:34,180 wow maybe I can't just get away with this yeah I think part of the
problem is that you know and I've spoken with groups of you know law
enforcement and judges and you know and I will say that you know
there's just this idea like oh it's the
01:21:48,100 same person going back I didn't call the police one time yeah and so
we have to get rid of these stereotypes we have to so that we can be
better as a society so that we can you know flourish better as a society
and in these
01:22:05,980 cycles absolutely we are kind of out of time but I am so I mean I guess
we'll in there but thank you so much for doing this and and we're gonna
share your story soon too yes I'm excited about that I'm sure so I guess
that's I guess
01:22:22,980 that's it I know this was a longer episode most of our episodes will be
about and 60 minutes please please in the comments you'll find
resources if there's somebody that you love or know a friend anyone
who you think might be experiencing
01:22:37,660 violence domestic violence sexual abuse or just not sure about what to
look for please check out the resources thank you so much for joining
us for this first episode of no edits women life and the truth in between
and I hope that you'll
01:22:51,740 watch as we dive into other women's stories some stories maybe not so
serious some stories there'll be stories of hope and I want to get into all
of the goodies like the Henri teenagers and then a pause and all the fun
and then and then the
01:23:04,700 serious stuff too and just the things that we how we live breathe and
thrive and just pour into each other so thank you very much and have a
great day