The Trial of Villainette de Eville

Interesting Fact: ‘Inescapable’ is a cursed word. No one knows who created the jinx, but the facts are undeniable to even the most skeptical scholars. Inescapable prisons see far more breakouts than the low-security penitentiaries designed to hold tax-evaders and jay-walkers. Inescapable death is an oxymoron, as death itself is often considered an escape. Inescapable magical-dampening shackles are practically begging to be broken during an evil monologue.

Mito and Rob wait to testify at the dramatic trial of Dolly. Tune into the CBW channel for the epic season finale as Mito attempts to clear Dolly’s name and Rob attempts maintain his sanity.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to The Crack. The Wound Between Worlds, the Rift Among the Stars, the only news network that brings you every story from every reality. You are watching the CBW Channel.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Welcome back to the CBW Channel. I'm Mito Kohadria, Powerhoose of Solaria, and Witness for the Accused.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

And I'm Rob Sky Thrust. We're recording live from the courtroom of the most highly anticipated trial since Orange Juice Samson murdered his wife.

SPEAKER_03 0:37

Accused of murdering. He was acquitted.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

You saw the same documentary I did. If he was innocent, why would he write a book called I Totally Did It?

SPEAKER_03 0:47

I'm not an expert on the twisted minds of murderous headball players. Regardless, the libel laws are really strict in Universe 286. Don't throw around accusations you can't prove.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

I guess that's fair. We're whispering out of respect for the courtroom. Although the media are usually banned, we've received special permission to be here.

SPEAKER_03 1:08

No, we haven't.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Meito, I don't want to be a sheep.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Don't be such a worry, Wart. The court subpoenaed us. We have a right to be here, and everyone knows the surgically implanted microphones can't come out.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

I'll rise.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

The judge is announcing all of Dolly's alleged monikers. Villainette de Evil. You know the one. The sorceress who shall not be mentioned. The evil sorceress. The wicked sorceress. The wickedly evil sorceress. That is a lot of names. I don't think I can relay them all. The judge is still going. I think he's listed over two dozen. Ooh, ooh, he's stopping. Shh, I think they're about to portal Dolly in.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

I wasn't speaking. You know what? Never mind.

SPEAKER_03 2:01

Dolly arrives in a shower of magenta light. She's wearing magic resistant shackles and a neon orange jumpsuit. It has only been a few days for us, but Dolly has been in prison for almost two standard months. She looks small. Clearly, the legal system has mistreated her.

SPEAKER_00 2:20

I don't know, Mido. I think she might be trying to look small. She's wearing that same look on her face when she's trying to get a day off for Mr. Stanton.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

She looks like she's had her whole life torn apart on the basis of false accusations and circumstantial evidence. Dolly is not Villainette de Evil.

SPEAKER_00 2:39

Ahem. There should be silence in my courtroom. Who is speaking? A law, person, bailiff. I don't know anything about the justice system in Universe 286. Someone official looking is whispering in one of the judges' eighteen ears.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

Eighteen visible ears. His species has a total of twenty two. The others are likely hidden under his towering hat.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Them? The reporters? Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Dolly spots me in a crowd and waves. Obviously, I wave back. Hello, dear!

SPEAKER_05 3:13

My lawyer said you agreed to be a character witness. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support. Prison is miserable. I haven't baked anything in months, and the boredom is gonna be my death. I never thought I'd miss the CBW channel. The pay may have been shit, but at least I was busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

The accused will remain silent.

SPEAKER_05 3:39

You're here too, Rob! Did you change your mind? I can always use another character witness.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

The accused will refrain from making statements.

SPEAKER_05 3:49

That was clearly a greeting. Didn't your mama teach you any manners? It's just plain rude to ignore your friends. If I was gonna make a statement, I'd say something like, Villanette de Evil is a ridiculous name created as a joke by a man with more audacity than sense. Everyone knows you shouldn't run around handing out monikers willy-nilly. You never know who'll take offense. Of course, if I was the villain y'all think I am, I'd probably toss in a few threats. Something like, I'm gonna curse every single person who participates in this legal charade. No, that's not quite right. A villain would be more descriptive. Giant boils, daily hemorrhoids, a plague to wipe out society. That sort of thing.

SPEAKER_00 4:43

How do you defend that, Mito? She's literally threatening the courtroom.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

Hypothetical threats? She said if.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

You CBW reporters, there is no filming in my courtroom.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

We apologize, but our boss, Mr. Stanton, refused to let us answer a court summons if we didn't broadcast the action.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

You are legally required to be here. Whether you film or not has no bearing on your presence. It does, however, affect your future.

SPEAKER_03 5:15

Mr. Stanton will make us leave if we stop broadcasting.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Mr. Stanton has no authority in my courtroom. If you cannot turn off the psychic broadcasters, then you will sit with the other witnesses. If you refuse to take either option, I will hold you in contempt of court. Not the sheep.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

Fine.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Mito, I know you're upset about Dolly, but you have got to calm down. What is that thing Fern always says? Take a chillax.

SPEAKER_03 5:54

It's take a chill pill, Rob. Chillax is a standalone phrase. Ugh, I don't know why I'm bothering to explain Fern's odd phrases. This is the first time I have ever been in agreement with Mr. Stanton. We have to broadcast that trial. If we don't, people might not know Dolly has been declared innocent.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

She isn't.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

People might think she's fillinette de evil.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

She is.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

They might think she'll curse them.

SPEAKER_00 6:20

She will.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

We can't let a few baseless accusations ruin Dolly's life.

SPEAKER_00 6:25

Look at the evidence. Look at all the details that never made sense. She cursed entire worlds. She killed Dr. Ravenwood. She would never. You know what? I am not having this conversation again. Let's just stand in the witness lineup.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

I glare at Rob, but I don't want to miss my chance to testify on Dolly's behalf. We join a long line of princesses, monsters, warriors with haunted eyes, and a single bulbous frog.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

Frances is right. I think you're in the wrong line. We're testifying against you, know the one. You two look too bright-eyed to have run afoul of her evil magic.

SPEAKER_03 7:04

I know you've been affected by Villinette to evil, but surely you can see that Dolly isn't the one who cursed you.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

I look around and see several familiar faces. Is that Taylor Quick?

SPEAKER_03 7:16

See? The prosecution is digging up Dolly's enemies in an attempt to smear her name.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Or they could have subpoenaed Taylor Quick because Dolly left her passed out in a library of carnivorous sperms. I'm shocked she's alive.

SPEAKER_05 7:31

Honey, I rose up from the dead. I do it all the time.

SPEAKER_03 7:34

You look great for a zombie. I didn't think anyone could look good in an orange jumpsuit. Don't I?

SPEAKER_05 7:41

The Interdimensional Travel Bureau offered to drop a few charges if I agreed to testify. It wasn't a hard choice. I had the adoration of billions, a record-breaking music career, and a room full of snow globe worlds I could visit whenever life seems stale. Dolly made me play the role of a fool. I don't like her little games. I don't like her perfect crimes. Why wouldn't I want to dig her grave?

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Dolly is definitely villainette to Evil, but she didn't destroy your life. You were the one who kidnapped hundreds and hundreds of people to force them to play out your fantasies. You were the one who thought it was a good idea to show off your prison on a live broadcast. Dolly might be a villain, but she was a hero that day.

SPEAKER_05 8:26

Careful, Rob. You're talking shit for the hell of it. Karma is a relaxing thought. For a guy like you, it's not.

SPEAKER_03 8:33

Taylor Quick is a powerful witch, but Dolly took her out with a twitch of her fingers. It doesn't surprise me that Taylor Quick would try to make her defeat less embarrassing by attributing it to one of the most powerful magic users in recorded history.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Taylor Quick seems to be on the verge of strangling us both, so I nudged Meatow to continue down the line. We might have a little luck with those ladies standing by the fire suppression system.

SPEAKER_03 8:59

The ones covered in boils or the ones wearing Harriet Pottery merchandise?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

I approached the young woman wearing hats bedazzled with Harriet Pottery's name. Hey, I'm Rob Skythrust.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

We aren't only wearing hats, you know. Don't you see our jerseys? She wore this exact jersey in her last headball tournament before.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

I'm Harmony, and this is Ronnie, and we're Harriet's best friends. I can't wait to see you know the one pay for what she did. I sense there is no point in trying to plead Dolly's case.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

What was your first clue? Mito, I know you don't want to believe it, but at least consider the possibility. I don't like the way the security robots are looking at us.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

I squint at the display screen. It wants us to move into the correct line. Apparently, the defense team is over there.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

I follow Mito's finger. While the prosecution line stretches out of the courthouse, the defense side is smaller. Much much smaller. There's nine people waiting to testify. Two of them are ancient, they radiate evil and dark magic, the rest are teenagers.

SPEAKER_03 10:12

Unlike the tattered cloaks of the ancients, the teens are wearing clothes they'd no doubt call stylish. To my discerning eye, they look like posers.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

Posers?

SPEAKER_03 10:24

They want to look more dangerous than they are. No true villain needs a studded belt and studded platform boots. Also, black is so overdone. Real villains wear bright colors to contrast with their malevolence.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Bright colors? Right, you mean like Dolly's pink tracksuit.

SPEAKER_03 10:44

Shut up, Rob. Concentrate. We're looking at a catastrophe. These people will make Dolly look awful.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Mito marches over to the robot and begins to interrogate it. After a moment, she stomps back.

SPEAKER_03 10:57

We're leaving.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Great.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

We're time travelers. Instead of waiting around uselessly, we'll go out and find witnesses that could testify on Dolly's behalf.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

I don't know why I let myself hope.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

I adjust my shiny silver lead reporter hat and brace for dematerialization.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Wait, let's cut the broadcast.

SPEAKER_03 11:19

Viewers, we are back in the courthouse. Put down your popcorn and brace yourselves as we alter the course of this momentous trial.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

We have a secret weapon that definitely won't backfire. Say hello, Andy.

SPEAKER_03 11:32

Hi. Loyal viewers may recognize Andy from a previous episode. Andy's entire town was cursed by Villainette de Evil after he egged her pink Corvette.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

That's me. I'm not even in the same universe as my town. How could the curse have followed me? Is there no escape?

SPEAKER_03 11:56

I'm sorry you're the butt of the joke in every universe, but you need to focus. You saw Villainette de Evil up close. You'll be able to swear Dolly had nothing to do with your curse.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Her face was covered by a hood, like in every reported sighting of the evil sorceress.

SPEAKER_03 12:16

I brought a cloak. Dolly can pull down the hood and then you'll know for certain.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Tell our viewers where you found the cloak, Mido.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

In Dolly's closet. But that means nothing. She has a lot of roommates. It could have been anyone's mysterious cloak. Besides, cloaks are very utilitarian. They're waterproof, warm, and they make you look at least twice as interesting.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Cloaks are good for aura farming. What?

SPEAKER_03 12:44

Never mind, I don't care. Hurry, get in line. They're about to call the next witness.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

Dolly's lawyer surveys the crowd of witnesses with dismay. She was sent by the Committee for Decency Among Prisoners, or CDAP. She's a clever android, but I think she knows her chances of winning the case shrink every time a new witness takes a stand. There's just too many people with an axe to grind. Even if Dolly was innocent, I doubt she could beat these charges.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

What do you mean by if? She is innocent, and Andy is going to help us prove it.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

As Mito hurries off to explain her plan to Dolly's lawyer, I look at Andy. So yeah, your friend isn't too bright, is she? She was smart enough to not egg the car of an evil sorceress, so I'd say she's doing better than you. As we wait, I decide now is the perfect time to talk about our sponsors. Neither Dolly nor Villainette to Evil is affiliated with Not a Perfume. Dolly is also not affiliated with Peeper's Peanuts, Fickle Fackel Emporium, or Invisa Soup. She is affiliated with Llama Cigarettes. Remember, viewers, llama cigarettes make your evil plans twenty-two percent cooler than the leading competitors. We're still waiting to hear from Finger Knives and a few other sponsors. Paperwork, you know. It takes time to check for legally dubious loopholes in the contracts. Mito signals frantically. I guess the lawyer agreed. Andy is pulled into the courtroom. Mito motions, and we sneak in as well.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

Shh but the lawyer calls Andy to the stand. He states his name and swears to tell the truth.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Dolly turns around. I think she's looking for us. She does not look pleased. As Andy explains his connections to Villainette de Evil, Dolly gives Andy a sweet smile. He blanches and briefly loses his train of thought. Hey, Mito, when this is over, do you think they'll call her Dolly de Evil?

SPEAKER_06 14:39

How can you be certain you were cursed by the evil sorceress and not a moderately evil copycat?

SPEAKER_00 14:47

A bunch of experts tried to break the curse. They all agreed it was the most powerful curse they'd ever seen. One of them, Gloria the Good, said the magical signature matched the one found at the Battle of Morrigan Magical Academy for Girls. We have heard extensive testimony from Harriet Pottery's surviving friends, as well as witnesses of the battle. Gloria the Good has also been called as an expert several times. As it is the third day of the trial, the court strongly encourages the defense to get to the point.

SPEAKER_06 15:23

Do you recognize Villena de Evil on the defendant's stand?

SPEAKER_00 15:29

I can't be too sure. She was wearing a cloak with the hood pulled over her face.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

This is it! The lawyer shows the cloak to the jury. Dolly appears to be arguing with her lawyer. She takes the cloak with sluggish movements and pulls it around her shoulders. Clearly, she is exhausted by these court proceedings. I shoot her a thumbs up. See, Rob, that doesn't look anything like Villainette de Evil.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

The defendant will pull up her hood. Dolly slowly pulls up her hood and Yup, that's the sorceress who cursed me.

SPEAKER_05 16:03

Now wait one pee-pickin' minute. I am being unfairly targeted for my age. Every humanoid woman in her golden years will look about the same when she pulls a dark hood over her face.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

The defendant will refrain from speaking unless asked. The defendant is correct.

SPEAKER_06 16:23

Approximately 76% of her face is concealed by fabric or otherwise shrouded in shadows. To prove the identification is in error, she will read the statement before her.

SPEAKER_05 16:41

Well now I don't want to. It is the 38th century and women are still being reduced to their body parts. Y'all oughta be ashamed of yourselves.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

Read the statement.

SPEAKER_04 16:54

Fine. I am the evil sorceress.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

That voice is obviously feigned. Do it correctly.

SPEAKER_05 17:01

You soil bruja malvada.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

This is your final warning. I will throw you in contempt of court.

SPEAKER_05 17:09

I don't care if you do. I have multiple charges of mass murder, cursing without a license, and general mayhem. One more itty-bitty charge won't make a difference.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

I am 1000% sure Dolly is Villainette de Evil. Traitor! I urge Mito to sit back down, but she points an accusing finger at Andy.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

This is just revenge for that time we refuse to take Andy back to the crack between worlds. He spent the whole episode talking with Dolly and never so much as accused her of jaywalking. He just wants to see someone else suffer as much as he has.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Order in the cart. Mitochondria, I will hold you in contempt if you speak again.

SPEAKER_03 17:55

Is that Dr. Ravenwood? A cloud of swirling static appears to be pulling itself into a shape that almost resembles the lanky scientist I once knew. He has the same skinny mustache and bronze glasses. I peer into the static. Is this the real Dr. Ravenwood or just another imposter?

SPEAKER_06 18:14

Your Honor, the temporal anomaly appears to be manifesting himself in the courtroom. Given the logistical difficulty with keeping a non-physical being in the waiting room, I move to dismiss the current witness.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Whose side are you on? Granted, the court calls doctor Ravenwood to the stand.

SPEAKER_03 18:39

Dr. Ravenwood floats in place, so the Android lawyer picks up the witness stand and plops it in front of him.

SPEAKER_06 18:47

Please state your identity to the court.

SPEAKER_07 18:52

Dolly killed me.

SPEAKER_06 18:55

Please state your identity to the court. Dolly killed me. Please state your identity to the court.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Oh stars, they're in a feedback loop. Already Dr. Ravenwood's form is beginning to lose shape. The lawyers will need to hurry the questioning along if they want to know anything useful. In the interest of time, the defense will ask an identifying question.

SPEAKER_06 19:22

What is something only Dr. Ravenwood could know?

SPEAKER_07 19:27

Meadow has a secret pet wolf bat.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

You have a secret pet wolf bat? Why didn't you tell me? I love wolves and bats.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

It wouldn't be a secret if I told everyone. Dr. Ravenwood was the only one who knew. He built Wolfie an automatic feeder.

SPEAKER_06 19:47

Identity confirmed. How is the anomalous being manifesting itself?

SPEAKER_07 19:55

When the nanites consumed me, an imprint was saved in their genetic processing hub.

SPEAKER_03 20:04

It isn't really him. The nanites saved an imprint of his consciousness when they obliterated him. Do you know what this means, Rob? He'll be purged in the next update. Dr. Ravenwood is truly, completely, and entirely dead.

SPEAKER_06 20:20

This scientific explanation is pending further review and may be amended by later experts. Did the anomalous being cause the temporal storms that repeatedly impacted the CBW reporting team? Yes. For what purpose?

SPEAKER_07 20:45

Dolly killed me. Dolly is dangerous to my team.

SPEAKER_06 20:51

Why do you believe Dolly killed Dr. Ravenwood? Research came too close.

unknown 21:03

Creator of the crack.

SPEAKER_05 21:05

That's a bald face lie. I killed him for working against me.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

Dr. Ravenwood fizzes out of the courtroom. Apparently his unfinished business is now finished.

SPEAKER_05 21:16

Dolly? Oh, don't give me those sad hound dog eyes. You aren't stupid, Princess Mitochondria. You had to have known this was coming. No. You two were friends. You played checkers all the time. That's exactly why I discouraged his research. I knew he was getting closer to connecting my magic to the crack between worlds. I did everything I could to stop him, but the fool just wouldn't listen. He could have just let bygones be bygones, but no. He just had to be the scientist to figure out the crack. Ravenwood left me no choice.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

It was you all along? You tore a rift in the multiverse when you were escaping prison?

SPEAKER_05 21:58

A little slower. On the uptake, as always, Rob.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

Why didn't you just leave? The Linetta evil is more than powerful enough to escape without a shiny silver lead reporter hat. You didn't have to kill anyone.

SPEAKER_05 22:13

You didn't have to murder Dr. Ravenwood. Dr. Ravenwood, Dr. Ravenwood, he's been dead for ages. Move on with your life.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Don't talk to her like that. Mito spent days trying to find people who can help beat these charges.

SPEAKER_05 22:27

Oh, I reckon you're right. The stress is getting to me. Dr. Ravenwood was on the verge of devising a way to track my magic across the multiverse. I tried destroying his research, but it barely slowed him down. I had no choice.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

The defendant is monologuing. As you have confessed, the trial will now move to closing statements. If you would like to make any apologies, now is the time.

SPEAKER_05 22:57

Apologize? Apologize? I ain't a big fan of apologies. While I do regret Dr. Ravenwood's death, I'd probably do it again. Truth be told, I don't recognize half the faces who have testified about all the ways I ruined their lives. Most of them just aren't that memorable. If I'm remembering the charges correctly, the sentencing will either be an eternity in prison or execution. I hate to rain on anyone's little parade, but neither of those options works for me. Hmm. How about this? Since most of you are so dang miserable, I'll just go ahead and put an end to your suffering. After I murder everyone here, I'll go on the run again and you all can keep chasing me. Sound good?

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Mito stares at Dolly. I think she's struggling to comprehend how her sweet pseudo-grandmother is also a mass murderer. Dolly was more of a favorite co-worker than a good friend, but I'm also struggling. I I knew the accusations were true as soon as I heard them, but it seemed so impossible.

SPEAKER_05 24:03

Meito, dear, I do like you quite a bit. And Rob, you're just too pretty to die. Why don't you start the music, and then you two can transport back to the crack? Don't forget, I have the same surgically implanted psychic broadcasters that you do. Mito fumbles with the controls on her hat. There it is. Go on now. Mito adjusts the settings. She seems in shock. I can't imagine why. Everyone and their mother tried telling her the truth. Will you look at the time? It's murder o'clock, and you all know I'm not one to miss an appointment. Most of the people have already fled, but it looks like a few are feeling brave. Heh heh! You think they know better than to try mustering a defense. I think I'll start with Gloria the Good. She ain't that good at anything. With the witch out of the way, the others won't stand a chance. Oh look! Half the fighters just left! If everyone else is determined to die, it would be cruel not to oblige them. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies!

SPEAKER_03 25:16

Hello, we're the voices of the Crack Between Worlds. I'm Louise Rainey. And I'm Dane Farron.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

And I'm Marvin the Mystery Man.

SPEAKER_03 25:24

We appreciate every one of our listeners. Thank you for coming with us on this journey.

SPEAKER_05 25:28

We'll be back for season two after a brief hiatus. In the meantime, we'll be uploading short segments about the CBW channel's Search for Dolly's replacement.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

If you can't get enough of the CBW channel, you can visit CrackbetweenWorlds.com for additional content.

SPEAKER_03 25:45

I also have a couple of books published. If you'd like to read as much as you like to listen, check out Benevolent Keepers or The Frog Eater.

SPEAKER_05 25:53

And my debut novel is coming out this summer. Visit my website at DaneFarron.com for details.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

Thanks for listening.