Conformity, Dopamine Hits, Being "Tuff," The Line Between Fitting In and Losing Yourself. And Yes, There's Also Bad Bunny in Madrid.

New school, new dynamics, middle vs side hair, snapchat streaks, dopamine hits, wanting to fit in and trying not to lose yourself in the process.

In this episode, Zeynep and Tara Khaleesi dive into the real psychology behind why people conform, especially during the middle school and teen years when fitting in can feel like survival.

Zeynep also opens up about how fear of Tara Khaleesi "losing" herself during the 6th grade transition to her new school made her initially misread conformity as something dangerous, instead of a normal part of identity development.

Together they unpack:

• Dopamine and social validation  
• Snapchat streak culture and digital pressure  
• Why trends feel emotionally powerful  
• The difference between healthy conformity and losing your identity
• Puberty, self-image, and the pressure to belong
• Why “just be yourself” is not always that simple  
• The positive and dangerous sides of conformity
• Parenting through identity changes without panic 

From middle parts to social media obsession to the need for acceptance, and being "tuff," this episode becomes a raw, funny, emotionally intelligent conversation about growing up in a world where fitting in is rewarded constantly.

And yes… there’s also Bad Bunny. In Madrid.

Stay UNFILTERED.

Transcript

Zeynep 0:13

Welcome back to Between Us, Mother Daughter Unfiltered. I'm Zeynep. And I'm Tara Khaleesi. We are back. And today we're talking about conformity and dopamine. Now I know words like dopamine and conformity may sound a little technical, but this episode is really about something every person goes through, especially in the teen years. Why we follow trends, why we care so much what people think, why it feels good when we're accepted, and once something makes us feel included, why we keep going back to it. So let's start with briefly defining what conformity and dopamine are. I'll take conformity.

Tara Khaleesi 0:51

So conformity is basically complying with rules or acting on how other people do for approval.

Zeynep 0:58

And they do it for dopamine without even realizing it. Dopamine is basically a feel-good sensation from feeling included by conforming. And after our last two episodes on hormones, you may think this is a hormone too, but dopamine is actually a neurotransmitter. It's like the chemical messenger in your brain that helps control feelings like reward, motivation, excitement, and pleasure. And dopamine is what makes conformity stick in this case. You fit in, you feel good, and your brain says, do it again.

Tara Khaleesi 1:31

Exactly. Not many people know what conformity is, but when they think about it, they just think there's one main thing. But there's actually three types. First is compliance, where people conform publicly to either seem cool or to be likable, but in private they keep their own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions, and they may seem like they have conformed, but they feel differently inside. The second is identification where people conform for a certain person's or group's approval. They start to dress or talk like the group so that they're accepted.

Zeynep 2:07

Yeah, they're changing some parts of themselves because they want to belong to that group. Exactly.

Tara Khaleesi 2:12

And then there's internalization where people absorb what the group's belief is and begin to believe it themselves. Which often stays with people even into their adulthood. The simplest way that I like to remember this is compliance, it's like acting, identification is like adapting, and internalization is like absorbing the belief system.

Zeynep 2:36

I feel like that's the most dangerous one if you're surrounded with the wrong company.

Tara Khaleesi 2:40

Exactly, because you will change yourself and kind of like the saying you are who you surround yourself with. Yeah. And if you're in the wrong group, that's exactly it.

Zeynep 2:51

And that's probably one of the top fears of any parents for their kids.

Tara Khaleesi 2:55

Yeah. Also, I found out that which I didn't know until we were recording that conformity can be a just one word. It's like you know how we have our gen alpha word of the week where we talk about a viral word. That can be conformity.

Zeynep 3:12

Oh, to the cool words like what's in right now is a conform.

Tara Khaleesi 3:15

It could be one word slang.

Zeynep 3:17

So conformity doesn't always have to be a behavior.

Tara Khaleesi 3:20

Exactly.

Zeynep 3:21

Very interesting.

Tara Khaleesi 3:22

Yep. And speaking of gen alpha word the week, I know we haven't done one in a while, but we actually have one for this week. And it's a tough one. Good one.

Zeynep 3:32

The word is tough, but it's not T-O-U-G-H tough. This is spelled as T-U-F-F.

Tara Khaleesi 3:39

Yes. Tough. And tough basically means it's cool or you're impressed. I say a lot, this is tough stuff. Yeah. And you call me tough a lot. Yes, I do, because you are.

Zeynep 3:51

Well, thank you. And honestly, that's a perfect example of dopamine and conformity working together. Because when Tarekalisi calls me tough, and I know it's a cool gen alpha word, I feel included and accepted. And that makes me happy. And that good feeling I get, that's dopamine. And that is exactly how dopamine connects to conformity. Yeah. And when you repeat this behavior, like when you follow a trend, or you know, start saying gen alpha words to fit in or act like the group that you're in, people respond positively, they accept you. And because those are good feelings, you repeat the behavior to get that dopamine, which then becomes the dopamine loop because you keep repeating it. And over time, your brain starts thinking, okay, fitting in and following trends is equal to feeling good, right? But standing out is equal to risk. Brain and dopamine, they don't like risks. They don't want to take risks because that could lead to not feeling good. So when conformity stops being like a choice, it starts feeling like something you have to do, which brings me to my point that I was afraid of you turning into someone else.

Tara Khaleesi 5:13

When I was conforming.

Zeynep 5:15

Yes, exactly. When we moved from New Jersey to Tampa, it's a huge step for you. Fifth grade, and the elementary school is over. Now you're in the middle school group, right? And uh you're in a new state, new city, brand new school, which is six times bigger than your old school. And when you first started, you liked certain things that defined the Torah. See I know and I love, of course. And I started realizing in you that for instance everyone had their hair middle parted. You didn't. You would when you wanted, but it wasn't a must for you. All of a sudden that became a must. And what my mistake was as a mom, well, I shouldn't say as a mom, as someone who knows psychology, I should have stepped back and realized this is conformity and it's okay, it's healthy as long as it's kept in check. Yeah. Instead of doing that, I kind of panicked as a mom because I didn't want you to lose what makes you you. And that makes total sense. Yeah, but I'm the adult here, so that was a mistake on my end. I should have not panicked, but I panicked. That's why we had a lot of not arguments, but discussions over hair. How dumb does that sound right now, right? But to me, it wasn't hair, it was it was more so you, exactly. And I know it's only a year and a half ago, but you being younger mentally, you can understand it better now that you wouldn't understand back then. I wanted you not become a follower.

Tara Khaleesi 7:04

Because you've always taught me be the leader, don't be the follower.

Zeynep 7:08

But then at the same time, I was annoying you by saying be yourself, because first off, you didn't even know who you were. You you are still trying to find. Guess what? I was 25, I was still trying to find who I was. You know what I mean? But because I kept saying that, I was annoying you, and then I was getting annoyed because you were being annoyed. Like it was just a whole another loop that we created last year.

Tara Khaleesi 7:35

Um I'm glad that you brought up the be yourself thing because I know we've talked about this before. You will never truly be yourself. There's types of yourself. There's yourself with your friends, yourself with your parents. Like, yes, I'm not gonna act the way I do with my friends, even though I see you as a friend. Like, but I'm your mother first.

Zeynep 7:55

Yeah. Yeah. And it's tough because we were in a new city, you're growing, you're gonna be a teen, you know, in seventh grade. And I was just scared that I was losing you, and that panicked me. So looking back, I'm sorry. Like I should have I should have been calmer and realized this is all normal and it's okay. And instead of doing that, I panicked.

Tara Khaleesi 8:19

So and it's okay because that's like the mama bearing you. I know.

Zeynep 8:23

It comes out in certain times, especially if it's about your character and who you are or who you want to be in life. But yeah, I'm learning too. So none of us are perfect. Back to conformity and dopamine. Now, dopamine is not a bad thing, it just makes you feel good and at the same time, if you're not careful with it, dopamine is what makes conformity stick. So depends on what you're doing, is where the danger lies, right?

Speaker 2 8:56

Mm-hmm.

Zeynep 8:56

And this ties into our episode six, social media. Yeah. Totally. Right? Like remember when you were so into Snapchat and you had to check your snap score or snap streaks.

Tara Khaleesi 9:11

Because that's what everybody else was doing, and I didn't want to remove myself from that and seem different.

Zeynep 9:17

Yeah. And every time you got a snap back, that's dopamine released in your brain.

Tara Khaleesi 9:23

Exactly. Like the light would light up in my brain.

Zeynep 9:26

I got a snap. Yeah, you feel good, you know. And if you're not personally on social media, however, I know you have friends who are. But if you step back and look at the behaviors, I'm sure you can see I don't want to say obsession because it's a strong word, but at the same time, it is obsession to see how many likes did they get? How many followers do they have? Did people like their latest story? How many people saw it? Those are all small dopamine hits they get.

Tara Khaleesi 10:00

Does it make sense? It does make sense. Because looking back on it, it and I still do this, even if I see a message pop up from one of my friends, I get excited. I get like, oh, what did they say? It's like a wave over me, and I'm just like, oh my gosh.

Zeynep 10:15

Yeah. Those are all small dopamine hits. And that's why we had to create these boundaries. Like you don't have an iPhone for a reason. And like we talked about, this is not to control you, but it's to guide you. And you grow up with the knowledge about your brain's development. Hey, my brain is not gonna fully develop until I'm 25 or 26. I give you a lot of credit because you do understand the reasoning. Do you like it? No. Do you get upset? Of course you do.

Tara Khaleesi 10:46

Do you get disrespectful? No. Because you taught me to not be disrespectful. Yeah. And of course I have slip-ups, but like Um, not I wouldn't, you really don't. Because like I'd be thrown out the window if I do stop. Like your eyes get all wide. You're like, what did you just say to me? Like you get this all of a sudden deep voice more deep than dad's, and you're like, What did you just say to me? I said, I love you, Mama.

Zeynep 11:13

Honestly, you haven't done that since you were like four.

Tara Khaleesi 11:18

But it still hurts.

Zeynep 11:19

Yeah, right.

Tara Khaleesi 11:20

It still hurts right here, mama.

Zeynep 11:21

She's pointing her heart. Okay, whatever. But do you remember how bad you were though? When you were four? Oh my gosh. I tell people all the time, because everybody's though scared of 13, 14s, and 15. I'm like, boy, I survived her when she was three and four.

Tara Khaleesi 11:40

And teenage years ain't gonna do crap.

Zeynep 11:42

Yeah, no, I'm fine. Like, I'm totally fine. Cause you were oh my gosh, you were just not a handful. Handful is not the word. You were something else. Do you remember our ZEYZANI photo shoots? Oh my big mommy move. Oh yeah. You literally would stop the photo shoot, which is my work, by the way. And our photographer, shout out to Biff from here. Oh, I love him. Yeah. Um, he was so good with you. He was so patient. And you would literally jump in the middle of the photo shoot, move the models out of the backdrop. And I walked in when you did that. Of course, you're three years old, cute as a button, and Biff is not gonna say no to you. And here I am. What is happening? We're in the middle of a photo shoot. You turn around and tell me, mommy, move. And in my defense, you were in my way of my moment. I and you're so into it. You're with your bedhead, different poses, hand on the hip. Yeah, I I survived. So teenagers is nothing.

Tara Khaleesi 12:51

And those pictures did turn out really cute. Yeah, maybe have to share it if you end that video. If you let me. Sure. It was really funny. I still watch it and laugh sometimes because I'm just so sassy.

Zeynep 13:03

I miss you being little, but then I remember and I'm like, nope, I'm good. I'm really good. Thank you.

Tara Khaleesi 13:12

Well, we kind of derailed.

Zeynep 13:14

Yeah, we kinda did, didn't we? But that's the beauty of having a mom with ADHD. You never know what you're gonna get and when you're gonna get it, right? Yep. But going back to our subject, I should have stepped back and remembered myself around your age. At some point in middle school, there were these Harley Davidson rider boots that were in. Looking at your mom, do you see me in Harley Davidson rider boots? I see you in ZEYZANI boots. But I so wanted a pair. Every girl, every boy, they all had those boots. My best friend got a pair, of course. Luckily, I tried them on and looked in the mirror and I was like, nah. But I should have remembered how badly I wanted those to fit in because everyone in my school, male or female, had them. I just wanted to fit in. So with your side versus middle part hair, I should have remembered, and it's so easy to forget. And that tells parents sometimes maybe we should just take a deep breath and step back and just try to remember how we were at your age, which is sometimes hard to do.

Tara Khaleesi 14:27

And honestly, like I remember walking in on the first day with my side part, and I would look around and I'd see all these people with middle parts, and then I just look in the mirror and I'm with the side part. And I know people would say stuff like, ooh, girl on the side part. So I was like, um, I don't really want this. So that's why I changed it. And honestly, like you that sixth grade TK is not the person I it is, but a whole different. You changed so I know I changed.

Zeynep 14:56

Sixth grade for you was you were trying to find yourself and find yourself in your surrounding there, not in life. But I remember you coming home after the first day of your middle part hair, and you were so happy. You were telling me how many people told you how beautiful your hair looked that day. And I rolled my eyes, not at you, but inside. Because how happy you were, I didn't say anything to you, and I just hated the middle part though, not the middle part itself, I just hated that you didn't. What it really meant. Yeah. Yeah. I just wanted you to stand up and say, I am who I am. This is me. You follow me. But I should have realized you were so little. That's not the age to say that, no matter how badly I may want it, I should have handled that a little better internally. I mean, you maybe you didn't even know many of this, but um mostly telling parents here. Yeah. Because I was only tying red flags to conformity. I wasn't focusing on the positive sides. Yeah. Because there are also good sides of conformity. Yeah. For instance, basic manners, taking turns, respecting boundaries. These are all some levels of conformity that people don't usually focus on. Conformity also helps groups function effectively. There are shared rules and values and clear structure. For instance, your basketball team. If there was no conformity, it would be a mess. Because then there's no structure. Exactly. For instance, classrooms. If there's no conformity, then people wouldn't know how to work together effectively.

Tara Khaleesi 16:40

And everybody would be like bouncing off the walls. But with conformity, like you said, it creates harmony. Yes.

Zeynep 16:46

And it also provides a sense of belonging and security as long as it's kept in check.

Tara Khaleesi 16:53

Yeah, and that's the whole point of conformity. To have that security.

Zeynep 16:56

I fit in here feeling like you have with your school.

Tara Khaleesi 17:00

Yeah. But there's also, of course, the bad sides of conformity. Well, yeah. I learned that there was a thing called the spiral of silence, an actual phrase that psychologists called it, which is where one opinion becomes dominant because of people not willing to speak up against it, but they don't agree to it. It's like the compliance conformity. Politics, religion, they all have that. And people don't speak up about it because they don't want to lose that sense of security, like you said.

Zeynep 17:33

And that's another reason when I say in our home, when we have guests or friends, we don't speak about politics and religion. Yes, that's exactly it. And also, like we mentioned, the social media aspect of it, you get addicted to it because of the dopamine release that it gives you.

Tara Khaleesi 17:51

Yeah. And the other bad sides of conformity can include like having an extreme diet just to fit in. I know back in your days, not trying to make it all go here. But it was a trend to be very skinny. Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. And that would make people go on extreme diets. Yeah. Even though your body just might not be built like that.

Zeynep 18:15

And and in puberty, this is where you're growing. Your body's changing, it's getting rounder, it's, you know, it these are normal body changes, but because it was so in in the late 90s, you know, early 2000s to look like stick-and bones, I used to think I was fat. And I know I hurt my body trying to get as skinny as those girls were. And it's not my body type.

Speaker 2 18:46

Yeah.

Zeynep 18:47

But you can say the same thing now. People do like rounder bodies now. Booties. Yeah. And just to get rounder shapes, people go under the knife and get plastic surgeries. Yeah. Yeah. And some people die from it. So today's world does not want you to be stick and bones, but now the trend is being rounder. And if it's not somebody's body shape, you're cooked socially. So not much changed really. Again, it's the conformity's bad side that forces people hey, I wanna look good with today's trends, so I should get this done or that done. Another thing, back then you wouldn't remember, but podcasts used to be huge. I was offered to have a podcast um in fashion. I was like, uh-uh, you know, we're we're not gonna do that. And so little I knew it was in my path in life. Here we are. That being said, I cannot believe this is our ninth episode, and our first season is over after the tenth episode. We're done with season one, and we are both alive. It's been a hell of a ride, bro. Oh my gosh, yes, it has been a lot of learning curves. And speaking of hell of a ride, to celebrate the successful season one and still being alive, I am taking this girl to Bad Bunny in Madrid, Spain. Funny story, I had no idea who Bad Bunny was up until the Super Bowl. Yeah, when you said, I want to watch the halftime show. And how glad I am, actually, how glad you must be. Yeah. That I did. First off, I don't know Spanish. I have no idea what the guy was saying, and it's not like he's my type, so I'm watching him because he's hot. It was just the music, and it made me so happy. And the performance, I don't know what it was, but I felt so hopeful. And I decided you and I are gonna go see Bad Bunny.

Tara Khaleesi 21:07

And that's you taking it to the next level. I know. Like, man, let's watch the Super Bowl. You wanna see him in person? Like, what?

Zeynep 21:15

And you're like, I don't think he has concerts in the US. And here I'm thinking it's like right here, Brazil, meaning, you know, not that America's. Yeah. And you're like, well, he's in Europe, and you gave me a bunch of dates and cities. I'm like, I've never seen Madrid. Let's do it. We will share a bunch of pictures and videos from our trip, awesome moments, and definitely bad bonnie on TikTok and Instagram. Make sure you guys follow us. So that's gonna be awesome. All right, before we wrap this up, Tara Khaleesi if there's one thing to take from this episode, what will it be?

Tara Khaleesi 21:53

I would say that conformity isn't always bad. The danger is when you stop thinking for yourself.

Zeynep 22:00

Yes. It's okay to want to fit in, just don't lose yourself trying to.

Tara Khaleesi 22:04

Exactly.

Zeynep 22:05

And now about our next episode, which is our last episode of the season. We are not ending it quietly. Oh no, we're not. We're going out with something big. Something that's already shaping how we think, how we act, and honestly, how this entire generation is growing up on. So yeah, we're going out with a bang. And until then, stay unfiltered.