My Son’s First Dick Joke - 2 Beers

Katie discusses the unluckiest family on earth—her own. She reprimands the autism community for bad branding and praises her autistic children’s budding comedy voices. Then it’s back to Old News, where she defends Brett Favre, mourns the cultural erasure of Eddie Murphy as a stand-up comic, and unmasks Master Splinter as a deadbeat dad.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I'm gonna try to not start every episode with a complaint, but not yet. Another hard thing about podcasting, besides the recording aspect, which I talked about last week, is your voice. It's winter right now. I have a sore throat. My voice sounds all fucked up, but there's nothing to do about it. And now I realize why you always see like Celine Dion and Brittany Spears drinking like hot tea and like lemon water because they're trying to preserve their voice. Yes, I have to start doing that. It'll be quite the change from Diet Coke, so I'm not excited about it. But um, I sound like Auntie Margaret right now, so something's gotta change.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

The Katie Galley Show.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Come to think of it, I should probably take this voice management pretty seriously because Lord knows I can't afford for my voice to get any deeper. And it's always been this deep. It was this deep when I was in elementary school. My brothers used to call me James Earl Jones and make me go around the house saying moonlight gram. Well, I feel like I should talk about my children. I don't think I've done that yet. I'm trying to think about the best way to describe my family. I'm thinking of the phrase born on third base. Do you know that phrase? If you're born on third base, you're right there, you're right about the score. So you've got all the luck, you've got all the privilege, everything is going right for you. That's a helpful way to understand my family because it's the exact opposite. We're not on third base, we're not on first base. We are battery gets drilled in face by fastball. That's my family. That's how we roll. We have the worst luck in the world. If we ever manage to get to third base in life, I bet you a million bucks, someone would pick up the base and beat the shit out of us with it. We do not catch a lot of breaks. There's three of us, and not one of us has it easy. I'm a single mom. Dad left to get a pack of cigarettes, must have gotten super turned around, hasn't been able to find his way back. That's a story for another day. Then my children come along and they're like, hold my beer. We're both gonna have autism. And I was like, oh shit, I didn't know this was a pissing contest. You guys really came to play. That is a lifelong disease. Damn your competitive. First of all, I'm gonna talk so much shit about autism on this podcast, so be ready for that. Everything you need to know about autism starts and ends with the logo. It's a puzzle piece, which is both accurate and misleading. Accurate in that it stands for a disease for which there are no answers. Misleading in that I always assumed it was something hopeful. A puzzle piece can mean a lot of things. But they wanted to be completely transparent. They should have done a straightforward question mark or that emoji of a person shrugging. Take that shrugging emoji, add a stethoscope, and a word bubble that says, I got nothing. There's your logo. Now everyone's on the same page. It's kind of amazing that someone got away with random a disorder as hard to solve. Messaging matters. What if the breast cancer symbol was crossed fingers and the slogan read, Here's hoping we find a cure before you find a lump? That would be terrible for business. Not the funeral business that would thrive, but the metaphorical business of living that would take a hit. What you need to understand is they have no idea what's going on. Hence the term spectrum. Talk about phoning in your work. I bet a doctor didn't even come up with that. I bet it was a dude who was friends with a doctor, saw his buddy stumbling around, and just said one day, hey, look, Steven, it's clear that you cannot nail down any hard facts. How about you cut your losses and just call it a spectrum? It's a fancy word, it's vague enough not to raise a lot of questions. Call it a spectrum, call it a day. Let's get out of here and grab a beer. Every autistic child is different. No two are the same. Enjoy the adventure of finding out what type of person your unique one-of-a-kind child is going to become. We don't want to get too crazy, but I think we might need to also change the name. Because there's way too many preconceived notions about autism that are just wrong. For example, when I first found out that my son had autism, the hardest part for me was I had heard that people with autism didn't have a sense of humor. Part of how their brains work is that they don't perceive things as humorous. I was so heartbroken. I thought I was never gonna laugh and joke around with my son. That's kind of all I wanted to do with him. Laughing is secretly my hobby. I hate when someone asks you what your hobbies are, because I really don't have any. I really don't need any. If you put me in a room with someone and we can talk and just joke and have a good time, that's really all I need. I'm pretty simple. And what is this obsession with always asking people about their hobbies? I was on a corporate retreat where I told a room full of people that my hobbies were karate and gardening. I'm usually not a liar, but these people really backed me into a corner. Back to the story. To find out my favorite thing was something that I wasn't going to be able to do with my son. I think I went into a damn fugue state. I think I was blacked out mentally for like three days. It was just too much for me to handle. And that didn't need to happen because that's not true. That's not true that autistic people don't have a sense of humor. That's just one of the stereotypes. Just like neurotypical people, some autistic people have a sense of humor, some don't. I'm gonna tell you about my favorite joke of his. We watch a channel on YouTube called Little Fox, and it has fairy tales, but different versions. One important distinction about the little fox version of Cinderella is it doesn't take place in one night. In this version, she goes to three separate balls and meets the prince on three separate occasions. And one night we're sitting on the couch, and Lennox goes, Hey, mom, and when I turn my head, my six-year-old is pointing at his groin area and says, Do you think Cinderella wants to go to these balls? The level of pride I felt for my son in that moment. There's no word for that. I'm gonna think of it. This might be a bad thing. I could get into Yale one day and I would not feel a quarter of the pride I felt when he made his first dick and ball joke. And this was a two for because I had long wondered about whether he was going to get into that type of comedy sense. It's just me in the house and there's no male presence. I always wonder how that will affect him. And I've actually kind of had thought about dick jokes. Is this something boys do when they get together at school or this starts in the locker room? How does one start making jokes about their dick? I wonder about this. It's nature, it's not nurture, it's nature. I don't make a lot of dick jokes around the house. In fact, I've made zero. On his own, that's another part of the pride. On his own, he made the connection of balls and balls. It's just beautiful. The timing and the and the intonation were perfect. I hope I kind of did it justice. But he, I mean, he nailed that joke. I was a proud mama. This could be as good as it gets for him. He might have peaked too soon. Could be a first-round draft pick one day, and I'd be at the press conference saying, We're very excited for Lennox, but as far as ball-related successes, this isn't his highest accomplishment. There was a joke in 2023 that can't be topped. However, we are very happy to be joining the Yankees. We love New York. Baba buoy. Now, my daughter is two and a half years younger. She's not the best communicator, not really a wordsmith, but she used what she had to absolutely have me dying. So we're going to bed, and our routine is that I lie down with her, close my eyes, and fake fall asleep so that she gets the hint that the day is over. Now I'm lying there and she says, Mommy, look at my eyes, which is something she's never said before. I was curious. So I stop fake sleeping and I open my eyes. And when I lock eyes with her, he rips two loud farts. This girl got me. An autistic five-year-old tricked me. I thought it was something serious, but really it was a bait and switch and she farted. Now again, I don't do a lot of fart jokes at home. So I couldn't believe that she did this because she came up with it on her own. And it was a brilliant take on a classic. Pull my finger. I actually think this is better than pull my finger, because nothing serious is ever going to happen after you pull someone's finger. But in this case, asking me to look her in the eyes wung my mind in a serious direction and then shattered my expectations by ripping two farts. Again, nature versus nurture. The most important point is that all autistic children are different. If you get a diagnosis, breathe, stay calm, and get to know your child for who they are. Every autistic child is different. No two are the same. Enjoy the adventure of finding out what type of person your unique one-of-a-kind child is going to become. The Katie Galley Show. Okay, next up, old news. Another documentary on Netflix. This one is about Brett Favre. This drove me crazy because it sucked so badly. Total smear campaign about him as a person. Why wouldn't you just make a movie about Brett Favre and football? I would have definitely watched that. I thought I was watching that. Insert on about a fumble right here. What was Netflix thinking? We need to make another documentary about the making of this documentary. Because I can't even begin to fathom how this got greenlit. I will pause to say that everybody makes mistakes. I once interviewed to be a nanny, and when I got back in the car, I noticed that I had a cigarette behind my ear. So I know what it's like to make a big mistake. I've been there. I'm not judging you. You're still good people. But it's been months and months since this came out, and I can't stop thinking about it. Have to talk about it and get it off my chest so that I can move on with my life. But since I have your ear right now, I do have one more comment. Would you please, for the love of God, move the continue watching section to the top? I don't want to scroll down through nine categories to find continue watching. There was a day I logged in and the continue watching section was just completely gone. And I didn't remember the name of the show I was watching. So I had to go to IMDB, look up one of the actors, find the name of the show, and then go back and search for it. Tisk. Tisk Netflix. Again, I do sympathize because reality has rough edges. During the last presidential election, I waited two hours outside the wrong polling location because I forgot that I had moved. We all make mistakes. Instead of his record-setting career, they chose to focus on his moral failings that quite frankly, there weren't a lot of. Certainly not enough, certainly not enough to warrant a documentary. I would go as far as to say it doesn't warrant a conversation. He did two things wrong. One, he sent a dick pic to a reporter. Two, he misallocated funds for a volleyball stadium. The stadium cost, I think they said one million dollars. Dude, get serious. That's not a lot of money. First, I'm surprised Brett didn't just pay out of pocket for this volleyball stadium, which side note was his daughter plays college volleyball, so he had it built for her. We all have such short memories. Bernie Madoff stole $65 billion. That's a crime. That's a documentary. And by the way, that was a great documentary. Brett took one million dollars in state funding. And it wasn't even for himself, it was for his daughter. He used it to make a stadium for female athletes. If you're gonna come for someone's legacy, you're gonna need a lot more juice than this. But this is the new standard. We're gonna see a documentary about Martin Luther King and how he never returned his library books on time. Speaking of juice, OJ earned it. That is someone who completely earned their dethroning. I wonder if kids today even know that he played football because his name is never ever mentioned in football discussions. Not that I'm part of any football discussions, but I will casually see a football game and hear the announcers say, like, oh, look, Joe Namath is here in the stands, and they've never been like, Oh, there's OJ. OJ's here, the legend, the king. This also reminds me of one of the saddest days of my life. I was talking with my nephew. He was super into Dane Cook. Remember that period of time where Dane Cook just like exploded and was everyone's favorite comedian? And my nephew was in like maybe sixth grade. So this was his intro to stand-up. He he only knew Dane Cook. He asked me, he's like, Oh, like, do you know any I shouldn't do a stupid voice? I don't know why I did that. So he asked me in a totally normal tone if I could recommend any stand-up comedians that he might like. Side note, I was just so excited because when you have nieces and nephews, there's so many years where you have nothing in common with them and they're just cute kids. This was the first time that we were like talking to each other and like kind of like adult to adult. So that was really nice for me. I was just all kinds of excited. So I said, I'm gonna show you a special. It's called Delirious by Eddie Murphy, and it's gonna be the funniest thing you've ever seen. And my nephew looks at me and says, Eddie Murphy does stand up. I was like, Yeah, he does stand up. He made he is stand-up, he he's one of the greats. He made two of the best specials that exist. What do you mean, does Eddie Murphy do stand-up? And he was like, I I thought he was just a movie actor. God punch. I don't want to live in a world where kids think Eddie Murphy is a movie actor. That's bullshit. Stand-up comedian first, actor, something he did for money later. I was very upset. The Katie Galley show. Let's not forget about Aaron Hernandez. He killed three people. That's a lot, that's way too much. And most notably, on separate occasions, you could make a case that OJ just had a bad night. However, killing people months or years apart, you've got a problem. I don't know about you, except I do, I do know that you feel this way because it's common sense. That at any given moment, moment, what's a moment? At any given moment, someone in the NFL is sending a girl a dick pic. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying that I'm sure it happens every single day. Professional athletes are fucking bitches be shopping, athletes be fucking. The documentary had it all wrong. The fact that Brett Favre only sent a dick pic to one woman, that's gotta be a record. The guy is the greatest QB because he's the only one that targeted one woman. I'm sure everybody else is 10, 20, 30, and up. The fact that he kept it to one, that's a big deal. And this is where it also gets confusing because the woman was offended. I don't know anyone that wouldn't want to receive a dick pic from Brett Favre. Are you kidding me? He's the best looking NFL person of all time. They put him in a Hollywood movie. Remember when he was in something about Mary? That's how hot he was. People were putting Brett Favre dick pic on their Christmas wish list. It was the need-to-have item. It's kind of a tragedy that the woman who received it didn't want it. A tragedy and a one in a billion shot. My question is, who is she waiting for? It doesn't get better than him. I sincerely hope that the reason she rejected him was something other than his opener was a dick. I fear that she doesn't understand. All men are perverts, some are just better at hiding it. If a guy doesn't send you a dick pic, he's just he's in camouflage, he's in hiding. He wants to, he just isn't. If she thinks she's turning down Brett Favre because she doesn't want to be with a pervert, surprise! You're gonna end up with a pervert if you marry a man. I will do a little point counterpoint with my own argument because a really, really surprising thing that happened to me was I used to live with this girl for anonymity's sake, and anonymity, finding Nemo. For her sake, let's say her name was Lauren. This girl was the baddest baby. Bitch that I've ever met. And she had done jail time. Put a pen in that. We're going to circle back. On my birthday one year, we were out at the bar. I'd been overserved. So I was acting a little rowdy. I didn't like the jacket she was wearing. She had it like over a chair or something. And I took it off and I kicked it. And I was like, your coat sucks. And I kicked it. And she's like, don't kick my coat again. I was like, this coat sucks. And I kicked it. She threw me up against a brick wall. It seemed extreme, but it was effective. I definitely did not kick her coat for a third time. My point is that I thought Lauren could handle anything. And then one day she comes home from work and she's extremely upset and shaken and not doing well, and proceeds to tell me that she was at the bus stop and a guy had exposed himself to her. I couldn't believe how upset she was. I thought that was something that upset children, not grown women who'd been to jail. So, in terms of this reporter being upset about the dick pic, I do have a history of underestimating how upsetting that type of thing can be to people. God, thinking about Lonica, excuse me, um, Lauren, has unlocked an abyss of thoughts, one of which is that I actually don't have a Me Too story. I've been tremendously lucky. Or no one wants to bang me because I have red hair. There was one incident on a subway in New York, but I don't think it really qualifies. It's less a story of sexual assault and more a story about how I saved a man's life. I was visiting my brother in New York, and he lived in Queens at the time. So we had to take a 30-minute subway ride to get into the city. Now the subway is packed, and I sit down in the last seat that is left, and my brother's standing, and there's a Chinese guy next to me, and there's something under me, like a bag or a newspaper, but I don't move it because everything is so packed and I'm already uncomfortable and the subway is disgusting. I was just gonna live with it. 30 minutes later, we get to our stop, and I stand up, and I see that I wasn't sitting on a newspaper. I was sitting on the Chinese guy's hand. This dude had groped me for 30 minutes without me knowing. That is a brave and brazen man. I was mostly impressed. He never flinched, he stared ahead the whole entire time. I had no idea. Now, if I had been on my own, I would have made a scene. I would have made a huge scene, but I was not on my own. I was with my brother. My brother is physically six foot four, historically no stranger to a fight, and insanely overprotective of me. I've seen repercussions for people who have been rude to me. He was going to annihilate this little Chinese guy, and he was little. I looked at him and I was like, you're dead. This is your last subway ride because my brother is going to put you into a wheelchair. This subway perv owes me big time. He basically molested me, and in return, I saved his life. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think that I did the wrong thing. I was trying to prevent a bloodbath, but accidentally, I think I just showed this guy that he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. This is a tough one. After Columbine, a very reasonable and intelligent friend of mine, told me that he wished the shooters hadn't killed themselves because someone who does something that atrocious should be wait for it, publicly executed to deter anyone from ever even thinking about doing something similar. And I was like, you're batshit, crazy. But I see the logic now. If you wake up in the morning and you're thinking about hopping on the subway and groping some women, but you pass a newsstand and the headline is subway pervert beaten to death, that might make you think twice about your plans for the day. Maybe craft a new agenda for your morning. But no, I'm anti-violence. That's why I did what I did. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, uh, Lauren. I gotta tell you the jail story. Back to jail. Lauren did like a week in jail. And when I asked her about it, the answer she gave was so perfect and so unexpected and so delightful. She said, it's a lot of shoots and ladders. Shoots and ladders, like the children's board game. The jail that she went to had one board game, and it was shoots and ladders, and she said they played it all day long. They played shoots and ladders all day long. That was the only thing to do. I fucking love that. I think that's the best thing I've ever heard.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

The Gabby Gally Show.

SPEAKER_00 28:07

You know who's at the top of my shit list right now? Who's not even a real person? He's a fictional character, but he's legitimately driving me nuts. And that person is Splinter. It's Master. I'm gonna do Master in quotation marks because he's the master of fucking nothing for my money, okay? But regardless of my opinion, he is known by the moniker, Master Splinter. If you're not in the know, Master Splinter is a cartoon rat who is the teacherslash father of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. He wears a shredded cape, he's old, he has a little cane, and they all live in the sewers of New York. He is supposed to be a big deal, a wise sage, a master ninja, all of which I bought lock stock and barrel as a kid. I thought Splinter was that guy, but now, watching it as an adult, I see what's really going on. We are not dealing with an enlightened man here, okay? This dude is shackled to his past. In almost every episode, he tells the same story about himself from 10 million years ago. Same story. When he was young, he lived in Japan. He fell in love and married a girl named Tang Shen. They had a daughter, Miwa. Everyone was happy for about 10 minutes. Then Shredder killed the wife and stole the baby. I'm a big enough person to admit that this is a deeply layered tale and hits on many valid points regarding cycles of violence and revenge and the responsibility and consequences involved in living the life of a ninja. But maybe don't tell it every episode. Maybe come up with a few other stories that highlight those same lessons. Mix it up. When you repeat the same story over and over again, some might start to think you're being overly self-indulgent. And maybe you're living in the past. Which brings me to the real issue. That was your old family. You have a new family now. You've got four kids, bro. Four turtles with no mother that are relying solely on you. I'm sorry your baby was stolen. But guess what? You have four new kids that you're supposed to be raising. How do you think they feel when you're always bringing up the baby that got stolen? Does that make them feel important? I don't think so. Not to mention their teenagers. If you were as wise as you pretend to be, you'd lock in and you'd lock in now. Michelangelo? All the joking and goofing around? Those are cries for help. I give it two years. Two years before he is selling Adderall, shoplifting, and getting someone pregnant. And we all know the girl will be April O'Neill and Donnie will flip out. And now your whole house is in chaos. You need to stop prattling on about your failed marriage and get Mikey a full-time tutor, ESAT classes, and maybe start the conversation about military school being an option. Man can't read a room. Grang just released a weather-making device in downtown New York. It's wreaking havoc on the city. But instead of jumping into action, he's got us walking down memory lane again. I don't want to hear it. I know the turtles don't want to hear it, but they have too much respect for Splinter to tell him to shut up. And that is the one thing I will give him. He raised those boys to be respectful. Unfortunately, that level of blind obedience created a toxic family ecosystem where Splinter operates completely unchecked, reliving old heartaches and ignoring the problems that are right in front of him. I watched a deleted scene the other day that absolutely broke my heart. Leo goes up to Splinter, who's kneeling in front of a candle and has his back to Leo. And Leo looks so timid and so scared. And he goes, Dad, hey, hey dad, um, I don't, uh I'm not trying to bother you. Um, I just and I'm not complaining. I just wanted to say that um, you know, it seems like all the other kids live in, I guess you'd call them like houses and like we live in a sewer, and I just wanna like I'm not complaining, but like do you think we could like do you think it we could get a home? Splinter didn't even turn around. He just said it was this very day, many years ago, that my Tang Shen was taken from me. We will spend the rest of the day in silence and remembrance. Leo's eyes started to water with tears, and then as he walked away, Splinter said BS Miwa never complained about her home. You piece of shit. I can't believe I ever looked up to this guy. I'm gonna stop now before things get too heavy. I'll see you next week. Let's do it again.