Magic Foreskin

On tap:

My toxic, narcissistic ex and the wake of destruction he left behind.

His obsession with conspiracy theories; from hospitals selling baby foreskin on the black market to NBC killing Bill Cosby’s son.

Starting over with my kids after their dad stole all our nursery furniture  and the remains of my dead cat.

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My ex was a big conspiracy theory guy. And after my son was born, when we were still in the hospital, and it was time for him to get circumcised, my ex says he can't get circumcised. The hospital is gonna sell the foreskin on the black market to people who are gonna use it for witchcraft. And I was like, dude, please, not today. I'm exhausted. I just delivered a baby. Can we not with the foreskin witchcraft right now? So I did a little quick thinking and I said, How about he gets circumcised, but we have them give us back the foreskin? And he was like, Okay, agreed. Now, this did not go over as smoothly as I had thought it would. When the nurse comes in to get my son to take him to be circumcised, I said, Hey, would you mind bringing me the foreskin afterwards? And she said, Yes, that's medical waste. It belongs in the trash. It's not a keepsake. This isn't a hallmarks. And this surprised me because you're always reading about people that take home the placenta and like eat it or put it in a garden. I thought you were allowed to just take home random body parts as you saw fit. Not the case. Not the case at all. So she is giving me pushback, and now I have to level with her. I was like, listen, it's not like I want to frame this thing. My child's father is insane and I need to pander to him. So can you get me the foreskin? And she did. And now it's in the freezer next to the ice cream sandwiches. The day has finally come that my son is asking questions about his dad. And while I have been quote unquote preparing for this day for six years, I find myself unprepared because I really don't know what happened either. I was with his dad, things were fine. And then when we had kids, he like lost his mind and became someone that I didn't recognize at all. And then I had to leave. The best way to describe this, and I've said this before, and I'll always say this, is the scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation when cousin Eddie shows up and he asks Clark if he's surprised. And Clark says, Eddie, if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now. That's me and oh, so I call my ex Hank. That's not his name, but that's what I call him because I don't believe in talking shit about your children's father in front of them. So whenever I talk about him with people when the kids are around, we just say Hank. So they think their dad is a good person, but they think I know someone named Hank who fucking sucks. Oh, I should mention I don't let my son see his dad. That's kind of the big one. Like if it was a straightforward divorce, you know, he'd still see his dad. But the fact that his dad became someone that I didn't think should be around children, that makes it super difficult. Because he's like, well, then why did you have kids with dad? And it's like, because he got crazy afterwards. I didn't know. Who changes personalities that drastically? I've never heard of that. But it happened. One day he was someone that I wanted to be the father of my children. And today I think it's probably dangerous for them to be around him. Same guy, different personality. Hence why I reference it being more surprising than waking up with my head sewn to the carpet. So I don't know what to say to my son. And I've Googled it too. Google doesn't know. The one thing they say, I think this is hysterical. They're like, yada, yada, yada. We don't know. But what we do know is you shouldn't say he's dead. And I was like, dead? Oh my God. Who would say that he's dead? And then guess what? That thought crossed my mind the other day. Because that would wrap everything up nicely. Your dad's awesome. He was the best. Total hero, charming man, unfortunately, deceased. So you can't see him. I can see how that would be murky. That could get murky real quick. Especially if they saw him like, oh my god, Dad. That would be funny. You know what's not funny? Running into him at Walgreens. Because he lives in our town. He's local. Every once in a while, we run into him. My kind of go-to answer for why don't we see dad is I always just say, he's working. He's just, he's really busy. He's working. My son will be like, he's not working. He's he's three feet away buying gum. And I'm like, well, he must be on a break right now. There's times he's driven by us in the car. Like we've been out for a walk, like a family walk, and he drives by. And Lennox is like, there, there's dad. And I'm like, on his way to work, no doubt. Full disclosure, Hank was never the top banana. He was a little bit of an asshole, pretty irresponsible, kind of a loser. But he was really good looking and really funny. So I thought we could make it work. He had a ton of unpaid parking tickets, but he was never emotionally abusive until he was. And that sucks. That's a real deal breaker. Living with someone who talks straight cash shit to you all day long, real downer. I think I only lasted like it was like three months of that. He started calling me the bag lady because I would take laundry out of the dryer, put it in the basket, and then it would never quite make it into the drawers. And I would just kind of like take clothes from the basket every day. So he started calling me the bag lady. And first of all, it it's basket lady. It's not a basket. I would be the basket lady, not a bag lady. So one, it didn't make sense. I think I was doing that, like that wasn't a new trick. I'd been doing that for years. So I'm like, why is this suddenly an issue? And more importantly, it's basket lady. It's not a laundry bag, it's a basket. It's all so strange because while he technically abandoned us, I was the one that left and just showed up at my parents' house. And I was like, I live here now, by the way. So that's how it ended. It ended with him being someone I didn't recognize and certainly didn't want to be around. And he didn't want to be around me either because once I left, he never came like back to get me. I remember one of my brothers said, if my wife left me and took the kids someplace else, I would be at that place every day outside begging her to come back. And I was like, yeah, Brian hasn't even called yet. I left and he did not try to get me back. It started with conspiracy theories. It started when I was pregnant with our first child and he started getting into conspiracy theories. Which I chalked up to three parenting jitters. Really, it was the beginning of the end. There was such a wild juxtaposition in our apartment during that time. Because people had started sending us gifts. So our apartment was filled with joy. Suddenly there was stuffed animals and cute little clothes and blankets and you know, just an eruption of joy. But Hank isn't acknowledging that or enjoying it at all. No baby talk for him. Exactly when he should have started only thinking about our baby and our son, he started only thinking about conspiracy theories. I would come home from work, ask him how his day was, hoping he'd say something like, Great, I put the crib together, that's all set. And instead he'd hit me with, I've been doing some research, and NBC had Bill Cosby's son murdered because Bill Cosby was gonna try to acquire NBC, and they had his son killed as a warning. I was like, a warning? Like, like the horse head and godfather? And he was like, yes, exactly like that. I'm so glad you understand. And I was like, oh no, no, no, no. I'm not agreeing with this at all. I'm just drawing a parallel between logics. This is single-handedly the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life, and there is no way that it's true. Oh my god. The Illuminati. I just remembered the Illuminati. The worst was the fucking Illuminati. If you knew how many conversations I've had about the Illuminati, I may have preferred the emotional abuse over the Illuminati talk. It is so endlessly aggravating to talk to another adult about a secret magical club that uses symbols and hand gestures and coded secret language. There are no symbols, there is no code. This isn't national treasure. We're not living inside a riddle. Things are straightforward. Then say it was real. I don't care. Jay-Z might be in the Illuminati, Jay-Z might not be in the Illuminati. Either way, it has nothing to do with my life. There's no reason we should be talking about this at dinner. And then it's nine months later, and I'm asking a nurse to put my son's foreskin in a Ziploc bag. I moved out and I moved to my parents. I was there for a little bit and then I got my own place. I went back for our stuff. And he was like, You can't have it. And I was like, I can't have our kids' nursery furniture? What are you gonna do with a changing table shaped like an owl? Why do you want that? I was like, this isn't your stuff. This is this is our son's stuff. Are you really gonna steal from him? That's bananas. Also, the furniture had special meaning to me. My grandmother, who is deceased, she left my mom some money. All the furniture that I'd registered for, my mom bought with the money that my grandmother left. And when she gave it to me, she said, you know, like this is from your grandmother. Like if she were here, she'd want you to have this. So practically, I need furniture. And then emotionally, it was like a gift from my dead grandmother. So I really wanted it back. Went nine rounds about this. That's our son's furniture gifted from my dead grandmother. You have to give it back to me. It's 100% mine. And he was like, no, the day you left this apartment, you forfeited your right to everything in here. Everything in here is now mine. Stole the shower curtain, which really pissed me off because in a moment of personal psychosis, I got a $100 shower curtain from Anthropology, which I had no business buying, but I really loved it. And I was like, well, I'll look at it every day. It's a shower curtain. And then Hank was like, no, I'll look at it every day. I do get to visit my stuff on FaceTime. I do let Hank FaceTime the kids. And sometimes I'll look over their shoulder and see my stuff and be like, oh, oh, the red vase. Oh, hi. Oh, my Chanel artwork. He has, I got this big canvas, this huge canvas art piece that says Chanel on it. It's white with gold lettering. And he has that over the bed. I was like, you look like an asshole. Any girl that you bring over is gonna see that and think you're fucking crazy. He still has all of my girly stuff up. It's it's it's really weird. Like I have this or had this like bird house made out of like sea glass or something. He still has that out. I was like, why do you have that out? You should have given it back to me or thrown it in the trash. The kitchen table was like a grand, and I was gonna die on that hill until he told me that he sold it on Craigslist. And I was like, all right, well, can I get half of the money that you got for it since it was mine? And he was like, no, you don't understand. It's not yours. None of this stuff is yours, Katie. You forfeited your right to all of this stuff when you left. All of this stuff is mine now. Your college yearbook, your photo albums, your golden girls DVDs, these are mine now. I own these things. You did let me back into the apartment one day. And I knew I had to act fast, and I knew I could only grab like a few things, and I knew exactly what I wanted, which was the remains of my cat, Betty. I've only had one pet. Her name was Betty. I loved her so much. She died quite young from cancer and it wrecked me. I remember I made a deal with God. I said, God, please do not take Betty from me. I will let you kill 10, 10 of my acquaintances, if you will keep Betty alive. And God did not go for it. So Betty is deceased. But I had her cremated and put in a beautiful urn, which I kept in my closet. So that day when I went back to the apartment, I was going back for Betty. I go to the closet where she had been sitting on the same shelf, same spot for six years, and she's gone. And I turned to Hank and I'm like, where's Betty? What are you talking about? Where's Betty? I don't know. I don't even go in this closet. I don't know what's in this closet. I don't know what you're talking about. I was like, did you throw my fucking cat away? Did you throw my fucking dead cat away? As I'm saying this, I look down and I see Gabby, another woman that I love. Gabby is short for Gabbiano. Gabby is a small carry-on suitcase that I have had forever, and we have been on many adventures together. And before that, she was my brother's, and he went on many adventures with her. Hence why she got her own name. She was old, she was shitty, she was falling apart, but she was family. So I said, fine, you want to lie about Betty? You didn't throw her out. Great. You live with that lie. Godspeed. But I'm taking Gabby and I'm getting out of here forever. And he goes, You can't take that. That's my favorite suitcase. I was like, this piece of shit with one wheel and a broken zipper, this is your favorite suitcase? And he goes, Yes, it is. That was a present from my mom. A bullshit. No, this is my this is Gabby. I have I have pictures of me and Gabby. I threw Gabby a birthday party. This is my suitcase. He was like, No, it's mine. I remember when my mom gave it to me. We were in Florida. So I said, Fine. Okay, fine. This is yours. I'm out of here. I came in with nothing. I'll leave with nothing. He said, Fine, show yourself out. And then he went into the kitchen. And then I grabbed Gabby and I showed myself out. So when I say my kids and I started over and started a new life, I mean an absolutely brand new life because I had zero belongings. Starting over from scratch sucks so much. Don't think anyone truly appreciates how much stuff you need until you have nothing. Because I was optimistic in the beginning. I was like, I can I'll start over. I'll start over from scratch. I can do this. Just buy a few more, you know, I'll just buy a couple things at home goods and I'll be fine. No. So many things go into making a home. The first day I got to the apartment, I was like, oh, there's no lights. Okay, I'll need to buy a lamp. Let me write that down. Oh, I don't have a notebook. Need one of those too. Oh, and I guess a pen. Like I hadn't, I had nothing. It's been years, and I'm still not whole yet. We had a babysitter come over the other night, and she was like, is it okay if I bring ice cream? I want to do make your own Sundays with the kids. And I was like, sure, but bring your own ice cream scoop because we don't have one. Because Brian has my ice cream scoop. I mean, Hank. It was really a BYO everything situation in the beginning. I had no chairs in the beginning. My brother came over to visit. We were going to like hang out and have some drinks. And I was like, gotta bring your own chair, brother. And he brought over two chairs meant for like a kid's soccer game. And we sat in them and drank beer. Some friends came over to have some wine. I was like, wine glasses and an opener. Whatever you think you might need tonight, it would be best that you pack it and bring it with you. All right. That's enough talk about Hank. I do thank you for listening. Come back next week, and I promise I'll make it lighter. No ill-fated love stories and broken homes. In fact, I've got a story about how my son shits like a 3D printer that I guarantee will make your day. Okay, see you next week. The GB Gali Show.