Elon Musk is Not a Scientist - Solo Episode #11

Oh boy, it's my first solo video episode! Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride. 

First up, I talk about how fat I have gotten lately and my snacking injury. Also, my insane eyebrows that were a result of some poor mircroblading. 

Then onto the main event: One of my daughter's teachers called Child Protective Services on me and I tell the story of the interview I had to do at my house. 

Then some News in Brief: Elon Musk is not a Scientist and the time I took a racist (but funny) diversity quiz. 

Last, I round things out with Old News: The P. Diddy documentary. I hate P. Diddy. Always have. Always will. 

Enjoy! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The Kitty Kelly Show. Alright, let's do this. If my throat sounds sore, it's because I have a sore throat. Everyone in my family is sick right now, even though it's summertime. People have the stomach bug, I had the stomach bug. I don't really know what's happening. Um more housekeeping. If my face looks fat, it's because I've gotten really fat recently. My eating is out of control. Out of control. Right in time for summer. I'm I'm up at least it's bad. I'm up like 15, maybe 20 pounds. Like a lot, like it's bad. And I know that it's bad, but because I'm fat, and also because I injured myself eating. I have a snacking injury, okay? That's what I'm trying to say. The other day I was lying in bed with my son watching TV, and he was like lying on my arm, and oh, this is gonna be hard to tell with a microphone, but essentially I'm lying in bed and I want a snack that's on this nightstand, and my son was on my arm, so I had to like reach over myself like this and be really still as to not wake him. He was asleep, I should mention that. And in the like trying to reach over, like I like pulled a muscle of my arm. I got for a couple of days, I couldn't really like lift my arm. Like here and here not here, not here so much, but right here. I've like pulled something, whatever muscle is there, I've pulled it. So I I think that's the universe telling me to slow down on the eating. So message received. Uh oh, second housekeeping. If my eyebrows look insane, it's because my eyebrows look insane. I'm on the recovery end of some bad microblading, which is I feel like most people probably don't know what microblading is, but it's like it's for people for people like me, if you don't have pigment in your skin and you're like the the kid from powder, you have to color in your eyebrows every morning. It's very annoying. So you can go and get like eyelad or not eyebrow like strokes like permanently put on, like the same way they tattoo, so that you don't have to do your makeup every morning. So, long story short, I'd gotten that twice and it looked phenomenal. But the last time I got it, it looked terrible. And I was trying to tell myself that it didn't look terrible. And then I went to my friend's house, and I hadn't brought up the microblading, but she sees me and says, Oh, I've I've always thought about microblading, but I've never done it because you know sometimes it can go wrong. And I was like, Are you talking about me? Are you talking about me? Obviously, you're talking about me. You just brought up microblading out of nowhere, and I'm over here looking like Uncle Leo, like you're passively talking shit about my eyebrows, which I know look bad. So I'm also I'm extra mad at myself because my gut told me not to get it done. Like three different times, and I just like sacheted in there into like a nightmare. First, scheduling the appointment, like all these weird things happened. That was sign number one, and then two, the woman, the makeup artist that did it the other two times was out. So they're like, oh, the owner can do it. Like, that's some good thing. Like the owner's like the business side. I don't want the owner working on me. I want someone who like just does this thing. So, but I plow through, and then so I'm at the appointment with the owner. We're walking back to the unbelievable. Okay, I'll be right there. Just finishing a story. Are you dressed? Oh, okay. My bad. I didn't think he'd be ready. Okay. We're walking back to the microblading room, and this woman goes, Oh, I'm so angry right now. I just got off the phone with my husband. We had the biggest argument. And I was like, are you about to tattoo my face while pissed off? And then I let her tattoo my face while she was pissed off. And it came out really badly. Go figure. So then I had to go get it removed, and that looks really shitty too. And guess who does the removals? Her husband. Scam, right? All right, I'm coming. Pause. Do you know what I hate? Everything. Do you know who I hate? Everyone. Because somebody called DCF on me this week, okay? DCF. Like the Department of Children. Children and family? Children and fine. Well, it wouldn't be finances, right? Anyways, the people that take your kids away. Hard to remember it, but she was like, this is DCF. There's been a report made, we want to talk to you. And I was like, which kid? Like, you've got to be way more specific. Like, I've got two kids. Which one am I being accused of like hurting? And she was like, Hazel. And I was like, not that I not that I not that I hurt Lennox, but I at least at least she's like eight and older. Hazel is a little tiny six-year-old girl that I would just never hurt under any circumstances. And again, I wouldn't hurt Lennox either, but it was just like it was bizarre. I feel like that last thought was super incriminating. So the woman on the phone says that she wants to talk to me. And I said, fine, when? And she says, I can be there in 10 minutes. And I was like, oh, you're trying to see how I live. Like, this isn't tomorrow. This isn't in an hour. Like you're you're 10 minutes away. Like you're you're popping in, right? While I was on the phone, I was arrogant, borderline, cocky because I was like, I didn't do it, right? I didn't do it. Then we hung up the phone and I started thinking about like this woman's coming over, and like she has the power to take my kids away. And I really don't want my kids taken away. So I started to freak out a little bit, right? So I look around the apartment, and it's it's as clean as it gets. It looks fantastic. But now I'm like spiraling because I don't know what they're looking for, and I don't, you know, people get blamed for doing things that they didn't do all the time. So, anyways, bug out, complete bug out. And the first thing I do is look down and I see that I'm wearing a Pap's blue ribbon t-shirt. And I was like, oh my God, she's gonna think I'm an alcoholic. So I like change my shirt, going around the apartment. I see like my tarot cards out. I was like, they're gonna think I'm a witch, put those away. And then I walk into my kids' room. Which is this room. The podcast studio is my kids' bedroom. So my children's bedroom is filled with recording equipment and cameras and lights and like tripods and stuff. And that had never looked weird to me before, like through the lens of I'm shooting a podcast, but now through my new like DCF lens, I was like, this looks weird as shit. All this camera equipment in the bedroom, like, what is she doing? And yes, the charges were sexual. She said that on the phone, which is crazy, right? Um, not to mention illogical, because I don't know how pedophiles work, but I am straight. So if I was gonna molest someone, wouldn't I molest my son? Like, I have no interest in Hazel. Say I were to molest, it wouldn't be her. Um so all across the board, it didn't quite make sense. So this lady comes over to my house and I say, All right, lay it on me. What have you got? And she reads me this report that's nothing more than my daughter saying the word vagina a lot at school that day. To which I said, and she replied, the teachers didn't think that was normal. Have you ever met a normal kindergartner? None of them are normal. They eat paste and believe in the tooth fairy. I think what it all boils down to is a generational gap. Because I grew up on Kindergarten Cup. Famous tagline is boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, said from a kindergartner. So to me, this was completely normal. But I guess the teachers at school thought it was crazy. I don't think I love retelling this story. I think that I want it to be funny and kind of light and jovial, but it was quite scarring and quite traumatic. It really is. I mean, what was that woman thinking when she like reported me or whatever? I don't know. I think the woman that reported me, I think she doesn't like me. Quite frankly. The teacher, I mean, it's all confidential, but the woman that reported me, I know who it is, please. And I've never thought she liked me. So confirmed. Now it's confirmed that she doesn't like me. There's no way she thinks I actually did this. I think this was a spite report. I think this was a spite call. Because even the DCF lady was saying that it was nonsense. She even made a comment like, this came across my desk, and I was like, what a waste of time. You know, I joke and I jest, but the truth is that this situation has been quite painful. Because it's actually a really serious allegation, and it's actually a really big deal and a serious matter. It's supposed to be a serious matter. I'm not supposed to be joking about it. But it's turned into a joke because it's so wildly far from the truth. But it does, it does weigh heavily on me. For example, I have I have like a tension headache every day now, every day, because I'm stressed out about this. To the point where I've gotten like the muscles in my head and my neck are so tight that there's little muscle knots that have like formed in them. And it actually got me thinking, like, what is a muscle knot? Like, what exactly is it? So I looked it up, and the definition of a muscle knot is a muscle that's caught in a spasm. Which I love. Because that would also be a great description for my life. Caught in a spasm. So the woman gets to my house, asks me a couple of questions, realizes that I didn't do it, and she's gonna close the case, except that she has to meet with Lennox. So she says, Can I come back tomorrow at 3 45? And I said, sure. Now the next day, I totally forget. I totally forget that she's coming over. Even though that's a really important thing that you wouldn't want to forget, I completely forgot. Also, Lennox gets off the bus at 2.15. Hazel gets out of school at 2.15. I can't be in two places at once. So for 10 minutes, Lennox is home alone. Guess what? That's the 10 minutes she showed up. I come back from picking up Hazel, and Lennox goes, Oh, there's a black lady waiting outside the door. And I was like, the Amazon lady? Why doesn't she just put it down? Why is she waiting? They never wait. And then I open up the door. It is the DCF lady. And I was like, oh my God, I forgot you were coming over. I'm so sorry. I don't molest or abuse kids. I'm just terrible with time. Uh so she comes back in and uh she meets with Lennox, and that's normal. And then she leaves. So the story's sorry, quite anticlimactic. The allegation is the worst part, and then everything kind of fizzes out. But it was super stressful. It's super stressful to be accused of something, even if this is what I realized, even if you didn't do it. And it made me think about a time that when I was growing up, there was a priest at our church that was accused of molesting children. And he got up during his homily and gave like a speech about how he didn't do it. And while he was talking, this man was so sad. He was so tremendously sad that the sadness was like emanating off of him, like how people say that they can see auras. I there was like a sadness aura around him. I kid you not. There was like kind of visible. And I was like, this guy didn't do it. This guy didn't do it. How it just broke his heart to be accused of that. That I was like, he didn't do it. Not because I am guilty, but because I don't want to be associated with this at all. Like, at I mean, obviously, I don't want to be associated with this. But yeah, it's very stressful and annoying, and there's got to be a better way. There's gotta be a better way. I want to introduce a new segment. It's called News in Brief, because sometimes I have something that I want to talk about desperately, but it's not like enough for a whole story. So this is how I'm gonna get that out. Did you know that Elon Musk didn't invent the Tesla? I thought he was like a scientist. I thought he like invented the battery-powered car. He did not. He's just like an investor. He just like put money into a company. Do you know who can do that? Me. I could do that. I can't invent a Tesla, but I could invest in a company. I mean, he's really not he's really not that special. I mean, businessman. Like, okay, so what's a good example? Um, who invented the light bulb? I'm gonna go with Thomas Edison. I was about to say everyone remembers his name. Um, but we all remember him, sort of, because he was the inventor. You remember the guy that invented it, not the person with like the capital. Like, we don't know who built or funded the first light bulb factory. Because no one cares, and it doesn't matter. Yet here we are talking about Elon Musk all the time. Like, all the time, right? It's so annoying. Oh, case in point. So my son and I are at a Taekwondo tournament, and you know, it's at a high school, and of course, there's like a mural on the wall in the hallway, and it's Elon Musk and Serena Williams and My Angelou and Martin Luther King. And my son just recognizes Elon Musk. So he goes, are those all rich people? And I was like, no, no. Well, I mean, Serena um Williams has to be loaded, but I was like, no, the poet, activist, like athlete, they're not, and then businessman. I don't get it. I don't get it. I'm not sure what the big deal is. Maybe there's something I don't know. But with the current set of facts, color me not impressed. Here's a quick story that I was thinking about the other day for whatever reason. At one of the first jobs that I got, they had me do a diversity quiz on like my first day, first or second day. And the questions were pretty easy and as they should be. And one of them was are it was like, are black people allowed to be late to work? I'm not joking. And so I put no, because they're not. And then I handed my test, and for whatever reason, I like asked about it later. I was like, how do I do on the test? And the woman was like, Good, you just got one wrong. And I was like, one wrong? Which one did I get wrong? And she's like, the one about black people. And I was like, how? And she was like, This can't, this can't be true, and yet it's true. And she was like, they're allowed to be late. And I was like, you mean colored people time? That's not real. That's actually it's an offensive remark about how they're like late, or it's a joke, and I think it's offensive, and it's certainly not real, and it's certainly the wrong answer on this test. But whatever, I still got it wrong, even though they're wrong. But I was thinking about that the other day. I wonder if whoever made the quiz was joking. Is that possible? Probably not. Or maybe. Maybe the person that made the test had an insane great sense of humor. Quite frankly, that makes more sense than someone thinking colored people time is a real thing. That's insane. That's crazy. Okay. Old news. I finally got around to watching the Diddy documentary. I know, it's been a while. I hate Diddy. I hate him. I didn't want to watch it when it came out. And quite frankly, I've been angry since his name has been back in the news. This whole trial has been a real thorn on my side because I can't stand him. And as soon as he got, as soon as he got hit with those charges, I was like, great! Now his name's gonna be in the news for a year. And of course it was, and he kept making it worse with like the baby oil and stuff. I've hated him since the beginning. I always thought he had something to do with Biggie's death. Go figure, I was correct. I remember being in high school, and Biggie was the big deal, and then Diddy was just some idiot in the hot tubs in the video. And then he didn't get famous until Biggie died. And it's like, who profits off their friend's death? Just his whole way of being never sat right with me. Also, I don't respect a man with a weak jaw. That's not nice, but it's true. One thing I did not know about, which is like just definitely the best part of the documentary, is the guy that Diddy and Cassie paid for sex for eight years. He was on the payroll for eight years. What a what a great job. What can you imagine being paid to have sex with? I mean, so he's a man, and she was really hot. He got paid to have sex with her for eight years. He's the luckiest man alive. But yeah, it was so hysterical that he was like, the first time I went over there, Diddy was like trying to like cover up and like be in costume, and he was like, Diddy, I see you. Okay, that's all I've got. I am sorry for how many times I say so like an um, the lack of continuity in background and lighting, and how I ended the Diddy story so abruptly. This is a new medium for me. It's gonna be rocky in the beginning, and we'll get better. Next week is guest friend week, and I'm having my brother Billy on. Billy is an interesting guy. He was in the army, he went to Notre Dame, he's never missed a Notre Dame football game, and once famously watched a Notre Dame football game during my sister's wedding while we were having our family photos taken. So he's a real maniac, it should be a good conversation. And then DCF lady's coming back tomorrow to wrap up the case, so I should have a bit more news on that front. And that's it. Thank you so much for listening. Goodbye. The Katie Kelly Show.