RAISING THE GIRL CHILD ft Maryam Lemu

What does it really take to raise a confident, grounded, and purpose driven girl in today’s world? In this insightful episode, Maryam Lemu shares timeless wisdom and practical guidance on nurturing the girl child with faith, values, strength, and compassion equipping parents, guardians, and communities to raise the next generation of impactful women.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hello my city people, welcome to another amazing episode of the Capital City podcast on Ray Power FM. My name is Sadit Anisha Sharif, and as I said earlier this month, we're celebrating the International Women's Month, and it's an International Women's Month special. We have amazing female guests that are going to open our minds, educate us about everything it means to be the woman that you want to be today. Stay tuned because I have an amazing guest today to cover the topic raising strong girls, nurturing confidence, character, and fit. Sit back, relax, and wait till I'm back. Her name is Mrs. Miriam Lemu. I'm so honored. I am so privileged to have her in my presence. Welcome to the studio, Ma. Thank you for having me. So Ma going straight into it. As we celebrate International Women's Month, why is it important to start conversations about raising strong girls who will become confident women or confident leaders?

SPEAKER_01 1:47

Well, obviously there is the old adage the mother is the first school and a mother, if she does her job right, she can build nations and she can nurture generations that outlive us, where they are molded in having good character, good qualities, good virtues from our beautiful traditions, but also from traditions of our faith as well. So I see a woman as someone who passes on the baton to the next generation of women who, if they get it right, society becomes right.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Absolutely. So my in your view, what qualities should parents nurture in girls today so they can grow into women who positively influence society?

SPEAKER_01 2:31

First for me, I think is self-worth. A lot of young girls um have a self-esteem issue, though it actually applies to both boys and girls. Um I've been with a college which my parents established for about twenty-four years since I joined the school. And I noticed that both boys and girls are suffering from a low self-esteem and uh they don't value themselves. They're cheapening themselves and shrinking to fit in to various circles, whether it's due to peer pressure, whether it's due to that yearning of belonging to a community. Unfortunately, the community may not be good. It could be good, bad, or ugly. So but if a girl has self-worth, she knows her value, she will not cheapen herself to fit in. She will not settle for someone who may treat her badly, disrespect her. Um I'm also a marriage counsellor and I see a lot of young women who, you know, accept abuse, accept being denigrated, accept someone treating them badly, because again, I feel they don't have enough self-worth. And so for me that I think is one of the most important things. I feel a young girl should feel enough. She should become into a woman who is confident, who appreciates that she's not here by accident, that you don't have to so-called catch space for her. If you don't catch space for her, she makes her own table and creates her own space. So I think that's one of the very important things that parents need to nurture in their daughters from a very young age.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Well said, Ma, because we already you know we've seen all these issues yes, yes, yes, time and time over again, trying to educate girls and women about self-worth. Well, many girls grow up hearing conflicting messages about what it means to be a woman. How can family help girls build a healthy and confident identity? Because you know you pay attention to saying low self-worth, and sometimes it's very hard for a girl to come across that or navigate that. So, how can they grow up without the conflicting messages?

SPEAKER_01 4:43

I was blessed to have a very intentional mother who from a very young age she raised my brother and I exactly the same way. Um as she was teaching my brother things that you would generally say are for men. Yes. Um she was teaching him how to farm, how to have a garden, um, how to drive. My mother was making sure that I got that same training and orientation. Um mine was very unique. My mother taught me how to drive at the age of 13 and I became a very confident driver. I was able to drive myself to Kano, Bauchi, I would go to Yankari, though we would do a convoy um with the family. But even today, my being here in Abuja, I drove myself from Minna, which is where I live. Um my mother taught my brother how to slaughter a ram, uh, slaughter pigeons, chickens, but she taught me the same. She taught me how to change attire. So for me, I really don't see clear defined roles um other than whatever God has said is the role of the mother versus the hus the father. But when it comes to gender roles, there is no divide. A woman can do and is doing um what men are doing. And um, as long as she has the strength and the ability and the capacity, I feel it's important that families nurture girls to understand that you belong wherever you want to be. Yes. My my mother's orientation for me has made me not picture, oh, that's a man's job. I get my hands dirty till today. I love to garden. When I go and see what's happening in my garden and the gardeners are there and I pick up, you know, the dirt and I move it and I put you know trees or plants in the ground, they want to take away the trowel or the you know, but I'm like, no, leave me, I need to do this. This is what I was raised to do. So I think it's important that families understand don't say, oh, um your daughter's job is to be cleaning, to be cooking. No, my brother can cook extremely well. My brother, he does so many things. My mother taught us how to sew, how to knit, how to crochet. And these were skills that both of us were taught. And you know, I was able to start sewing my own clothes from I think the age of twelve. Wow. And my brother did the same. So I don't believe in gender roles. If we go back to the scriptures, um, whether it's in the Bible or the Qur'an, we hear stories of women who even went to battle. Yes. Um, the Queen of Sheba, who was mentioned by God Himself in the Qur'an, led an army of over 20,000 men to battle. And of course, again, as a Muslim, I can use the Qur'an as a reference. We also saw um Aisha radiallahu anha, the wife of the Prophet, who went to battle and led men to battle. She was a general in the army. So if you say, you know, today a woman belongs in a certain place, then what was the use of the stories that were preserved through time and history, which were meant to inspire us to know that even during the time of revelation, women were allowed to go to battle. Women led men. In and this is where society has changed and diluted history so much. They have diluted the faith. Um you see it as well, even in the Christian faith, where you read the Bible and you find, you know, it's as if the woman is just meant to be subservient, a servant, a glorified housemaid. But even in Islam, the same thing has happened today. People make women look like, you know, they're weak. They are the weaker sex. And it's like, I am so sorry, that was not what my book says. Um, that's not what my Lord said, and that's not what my mother or father said or did. So I feel that's an area we need to make sure we strengthen women to understand that, you know, there are no borders, no brown boundaries. I think today more than ever, since we see technology replacing humans, we have to be careful before we know we are all becoming extinct because a robot is replacing us. So we need women in the force, we need women in every aspect, every sector of the economy and in society.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Well said, Ma, even in addition to what you're saying is with African history with the popular queen, I mean our observes of big sense. I mean, that's direct example should even show you the roles that women are supposed to. And I like the fact that you took it to leadership. So, as more women step into leadership globally, how can parents raise daughters who believe they too can contribute meaningfully to their communities and nation?

SPEAKER_01 9:18

I think they just need to instill the confidence in them. We are in a society today where many of us compare ourselves to others, especially because of the influence of social media. Uh, social media can make you feel discontent, can make you feel empty and not good enough. I think it's really important that parents instill confidence by making them understand stop looking over your shoulder, stay on your lane, and build yourself, build your capacity, um, learn skills. These are all things that help you become more confident because you know your abilities, you know your self-worth, and you understand from a very young age that you know you can decide and determine and write your story wherever it is. We need women in leadership. Um women have come from an angle where they are more emotional, but they have depth, they go deeper into picturing the human side of society because they are mothers, they feel the pain, they know what it means to nurture a beautiful family, and they are coming from another angle which I feel a lot of men don't even have. Um, that emotional side. Of course, we have a lot of great men who do think about the bigger picture of um the depth and the layers you need to peel when it comes to penetrating um into the home, what people are going through. Um but I think women come with that as their natural follow come from God, yeah. Ability to go deeper and see how they can nurture society, not just economies. Because society is a big picture. You have to look at the bigger picture, the larger scale of it. So for me, I think um it's just to make them understand, just go out there and become. Don't wait. Don't wait for somebody to say, oh now you are a leader. No. Just start giving them responsibility in the home and ask them for their opinions. Many think, or especially in African society, a child's voice doesn't count, doesn't matter. But I personally, when I was raising our two boys with my husband's support, I would say, what do you think about this? What what are your thoughts? And they start to develop from an early age the ability to analyze and to be critical. And instead of saying, No, you are wrong, I would say, how do you think this can be solved constructively that will bring the best outcome? So parents have a huge role to play in navigating, helping their children navigate um real life scenarios. So give them questions, give them challenges, allow them to analyze. And there are games as well, like chess. Chess helps you strategize. These are all things that build confidence and build the ability to be analytical, to look at a 360 of situations and scenarios which you do need in leadership. But give them the responsibility, tell them take charge of taking care of the house, clean the house. You know what needs to be done. Give them tasks, give them money, give them the ability to start budgeting. How are you going to spend this? Are you just gonna blow it on a video game or on data just to doom scroll on social media? Or how can you increase this money? You have to start, and then of course, the most important is you lead by example. Yes. You cannot tell your children what to do. You have to show them what to do. Kids learn from the example you set. So you can't tell them, oh, you are gonna be a leader, but you are not leading yourself. You have to show it in how you are conducting your affairs.

SPEAKER_00 12:57

Yeah. Well said, Ma, because you literally covered it all. I was gonna talk about social media, especially for the aspect of young mothers who now, for some reason, there's just this competition or sense of looking for validation outside. What would you say on that and how can people avoid going to social media for validation? Because you can see it some days now like motherhood or friendship is now on social media. Women are doing very extra to show oh, I'm a good mother at home. But all around that is content creation to some extent. So, what would you say about people seeking validation from social media?

SPEAKER_01 13:32

That is the tragedy of social media. Our self-worth is based on the th the likes, the thumbs up, um, and then we go into a depression if somebody writes a negative comment or and so on. Yeah, unfortunately, that is actually the big plan of those who are behind designing these social media apps. Um, they want to have you hooked, they want to make you continue to crave something, which if you that's that's why I so believe in saying you have to learn to be enough. You have to learn to be content. Have your own drive, yes, be driven. Um, but don't don't wait for others to give you the likes for you to feel good about yourself and what you do. Um so it's sad today to see mothers and fathers all hooked and addicted to social media. We're giving the unseen more priority and we make them more important than those who really matter, those who will be by your side when you're taking your last breath. Um we have these imaginary social media so-called friends, who don't care whether you win or lose. They actually don't care. Um they are not rooting for your success, but you're giving them more importance than those who are living with you, who didn't ask to be born, like your children. Um you're giving them more relevance. And unfortunately, that comparison is the thief of contentment. When you compare yourself to their lives, what they're doing, you won't be content. So if I'm following a social media influencer who is showing, you know, I went to this exotic destination, I my husband bought me this car, he just bought us this house, or I just got this designer, whatever, then you look at your life and you feel like a loser because you don't have it. Your children are also doing the same thing. They're looking at your posts on social media or somebody's posts on social media of their family, their children, they took them for Umrah, or they went here and there, this Dubai and so on. And then the kids start to feel, oh, my parents didn't do this, my father doesn't have this kind of car, my parents don't live in this kind of house. And you find they're discontent. They're never satisfied. And unfortunately, because social media is the image we have chosen to present to the world, it doesn't necessarily mean that's the true image. We choose to photoshop ourselves to make our put enough filters to make ourselves look beautiful, and then you look in the mirror and you are like, I don't look that good. And you find all these things are affecting contentment and satisfaction with yourself. So if you start off by making sure you plant seeds of self-worth, you build your children to be enough, to be content, um, to understand that they are the drivers of their lives. They cannot be the passengers of someone else's. They have to write their story intentionally, and they can achieve whatever their dreams are. You know, these are the things that parents have a huge responsibility to do with their children and nurture in them.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

Well said, man. So as we mentioned earlier, this is International Women's Month. So we often celebrate successful women. What everyday action can mothers and mentors take to empower the next generation of women?

SPEAKER_01 16:46

I believe in having certain um non-negotiables, um, certain boundaries that cannot be crossed, healthy boundaries, um, boundaries even for myself. So I create um a routine, for instance, around my life, I have some anchors. The first one is spirituality, my relationship with my God. If I'm to nurture the next generation, I would say start with God first in everything you do. Because He is my compass, He is my guide, He's my person, you know, He's the one who determines the direction. Because at the end of the day I came from Him and I'm going back to Him. So what does He want from me here while I'm on this earth? You need to teach that in children. The second anchor for me is what I call me myself and I. And I don't mean that from a selfish perspective. But if I'm not in order, I can't give the best of me to you. I can't give the best of me to my husband or my children. So me myself and I means I value my worth, I build my capacity, I build my health, my mental well-being, um, I set boundaries so people cannot wipe their feet over me. So if you disrespect me, I say, why did you do that? I didn't like it. Please don't do it again. So this is all part of me, myself, and I, preserving my dignity and my self-worth and being enough. Um then the next is my relationships. This is another anchor that is important. What's my relationship like with my family, my spouse, my children, my parents, my relatives, um, my friends, my colleagues. Let me make sure I have a healthy relationship with them. And then the next is my professional growth and financial independence. That's another anchor. I want to make sure I build my capacity and skills so that I can be I can perform at my peak in my professional field. So whatever it is I'm choosing to do, in my space, I'm a marriage relationship expert. I do motivational talks as well. I don't want to be average. I want to be exceptional. So I push myself to be better than ordinary because I believe we have enough ordinary out there. So I want wherever I go, whatever I'm doing, I stand out with excellence as the currency with which I interact with people with. So that makes me stand out of the crowd. My mother always said to me, be so good they can't ignore you. So I try to be so good that I stand out from the masses. Um my professional development is important, but my financial independence. I believe in learning multiple skills: public speaking, I do a lot of crafts, um, I do a lot of um experimenting, I do a lot of cooking, I explore so many different fields so that if something goes wrong, I have a backup plan and I can earn my own money without depending on someone else, like my husband or my parents' money to take care of me. So that's another anchor that is very solid. I think COVID-19 taught us a lot of things that if you don't have a plan B, Plan C, Plan Z, you're dispensable. Many people's businesses ran they ran out of business during COVID because they didn't have a backup plan. Whereas some, some new businesses emerged, some of their businesses thrived because they had a backup plan. So, like some food industries, before they had a restaurant, but when COVID came, they were able to get dispatched to take food to people's homes. So they were thriving during that time. In Nigeria, we didn't have dispatch riders the way we did during COVID. But it became a business that was booming. So we need to understand that we always have to have backup plans and multiple sources of income so that if one goes bust, the other one is working for us. And then the last anchor for me that my life revolves around is service. I want to leave something bigger than myself, a legacy, so that when I'm dead, um, you know, my chapter is closed, but my book remains open because I continue to do things that were of benefit to others. Many of us live selfishly and live for ourselves. We want to have the big name, we want to have everything revolving around us, our ego becoming bigger than ourselves, and we fall for our PR. I believe if we serve, if I build the capacity of others, if I uplift others, if I inspire others, they will continue to do good and I get blessed for it long after I'm gone. So for me, those are my biggest things that I try to make sure I instill in young girls that I'm also nurturing and mentoring. But I also do the same with boys, because if I ignore the boys, they may become monsters that will damage the girls that have nurtured and you know, inspired. So I try to see how I balance it all.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

Absolutely well said, man, especially how you divided them or should I say staged them one by one. That's a absolutely a great way to kind of like navigate through life. Yeah. Because, like you said, the first one is your relationship with God. Once you are very secure in your relationship with God, a lot of things are better. They mean myself and I absolutely, because you cannot pour from an empty cup. So when you learn to navigate all these things, life will even be sweet. Exactly. Life will actually be sweet because those that are not thinking about this or living life more than themselves, that's why you're sad, that's why you're depressed. But with the moment you remember that I have a purpose and I want history to remember me, then the mindset is absolutely different.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

It allows you to have daily goals. When you have these anchors, it allows you to say, okay, let me do my spiritual part. Chapter one, closed. Let me do me, myself, and I work on my health, do my fitness, um, watch what I eat, um, you know, take care of my mental space. Uh, make sure I don't hold malice. That's the second one. Then my relationship with people, make sure I call my mom. Of course, I've lost both my parents, but my relationship with people, make sure it's good, it's healthy. And so I need to set boundaries for myself and timelines so that one doesn't overstep the other. Like everything is given its equal time, but it gives you meaning, it gives you a reason to wake up in the morning because you have a plan and a life map for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

Yes. So Ma, let's talk about the fat the role of the fathers. What role do fathers and families play in shaping girls who grow up to become strong, compassionate, and purposeful women?

SPEAKER_01 23:12

Fathers have such a huge role to play. I don't have any girls, but I watch my husband, um, may Allah bless him. He has been such an intentional father. He has been very present and active in nurturing the boys. And I see how they are growing up to see what a real man is meant to be like. He is supportive of me. He watches the children are growing up watching how he's got my back. He's my biggest cheerleader. He is extremely supportive. He's always saying, Mariam, give it a shot. What have you got to lose? He builds my confidence by telling me words of affirmation. And they are seeing that. But the same thing applies to a father who has daughters or who has a daughter, to say, You are enough. You have got this. He becomes her biggest cheerleader. Their daughter grows up to see him honoring their mother, respecting the mother. She gets to see how a woman is meant to be treated. If the husband does not treat the wife properly, he is going to raise a daughter who may accept being dishonored and disrespected. And it's like, would you be happy that a man abuses your daughter because you taught her that this is what a man is meant to do, because that's how you treated your wife. It's so important that men understand that they can instill in their daughter so much self-worth, so much confidence to see you will not let a man disrespect you. This is how you behave when a man does not treat you well. This is how you set boundaries. It is extremely important because if you raise a woman or a young girl who grows up broken because that's what she grew up seeing, her dysfunction is going to affect her children, which is part of why society is the way it is today. It becomes almost a generational curse. And like you said, you can't give what you don't have. You can't pour from an empty cup. She can't raise the next generation to be confident if she didn't see a confident mother and a father who instilled and honored his wife, if the father didn't do the same with her. So we need to be very, very careful as we hand over the baton to the next generation that we do it right. Why? Because history is gonna judge us. Each time we do not raise a daughter to be enough, she does not raise her daughter to be enough or her sons to be enough. Unfortunately, this is gonna be literally a generational curse. And we can break this.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

It starts with us. Because I didn't even want to limit it only to the fathers, but the role of men in general, the men we have in our society, because we do have people that are listening, and like they said, be your brother's keeper or be your sister's keeper. What about the role of strangers, normal men, uncles, the man that's outside? What sort of duty do you think he's responsible for on a girl child? I think just be respectful.

SPEAKER_02 26:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:06

Be respectful. We talk down. You hear men make snide remarks like you know women or you women. And I'm like, I am so sorry, what do you mean by that? I actually call people out. I teach people to respect me by not accepting the disrespect. So if you say, you know, like in Hausa, they would say Kun Sanku Mata, um, you women, and I was like, I'm sorry, what do you mean? Um please explain what does that mean? Um, because at the end of the day, you disrespect me as stranger woman, you're disrespecting your mother as well. You have to understand that it's not isolated. We have to be so intentional in how we relate. And men who are out there, even if it's not your daughter, just show respect, show dignity to human beings. To me, my mother raised me to show respect to even animals, to treat everybody, every single creation of God, just treat them well, and they will grow up to be a positive contribution, make a positive contribution in society, not become a menace to society.

SPEAKER_00 27:09

Oh my well said. So as we celebrate International Women's Month, what message would you like to share with every young girl listening right now who may still be discovering her work and her purpose? Because so people sometimes feel like, what is this self-bought? What is this purpose? Is it a destination that I get to, or must I be perfect before I think I've I'm a successful woman? Like, what would you say to the young girl listening?

SPEAKER_01 27:32

I describe myself as a work in progress. But I live my life intentionally. I don't let my life happen accidentally. Um, I make plans, I make goals. God is the best of planners, so sometimes my goals don't go according to plan. But I don't just sit there and wait. I think for young girls, don't wait for anyone to suddenly give you permission to become. You need to work on yourself, you need to build your capacity. Nobody's coming to save you. You are responsible for your life. You need to wake up and understand. Don't wait for permission.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

Absolutely well said, Ma. Now, final question before you go. If you could leave one lasting piece of advice for mothers, mentors, and communities raising the next generation of girls, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 28:15

I think set the right example, walk the talk. Yes. Many just want to say, Oh, you need to be good, but go and see what they are doing. Yes. We need to be sincere when it comes to our own analysis of ourselves. I tell my children, I'm I'm a work in progress.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

I'm on a lifelong journey to continue to upgrade, evolve, and be the literally the best version of myself. But each day I will stumble, each day I will fall. But the most important thing, I will admit and own my truth, and I will pick myself up. So I think it's important that we show the human side of us that this is life. Sometimes we parents and adults try to present this perfect image. Are these your grades? Um, and so on. Oh, when I was in school, it's a big fat lie. When you were in school, you failed. But you then beat your child and expect them to be perfect. It's too much pressure. Let them be human and let them see the human in you. For me, I think that's what's mat well, that's what matters most. What would you like history to remember you for? That I served. I didn't just come for myself. I came to contribute, I came to upgrade my environment, the society to the best of my ability, my circle of influence, and that I showed how human I was. I admitted that I'm fallible, um, but they saw the struggle, they saw the strive, they saw the effort. But most importantly, whatever it was I did, I did it with excellence. And I did it to please my maker because I know I'm going back to him.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

That's a beautiful way to end the episode. Thank you so much, Mrs. Mariam Lemu. I wish I could have you here forever because there's so many things we can learn from you, but of course, time is of the essence. Where can our listeners find you? I'm on Instagram, uh Mariam Lemu Official. Yes, and my website is mariamlemo.com. Yes, well said, Ma, thank you so much, and there you have it. Happy Eid in Advance, my city people. See you next week when I have an amazing woman as we wrap up the International Women's Month. So then, love, love, love. Bye.