Crotch Stories

In this episode of Boomers on the Edge, Kenn and Ron dive headfirst into one of the most awkward—and hilarious—subjects known to mankind: the crotch. Because let’s face it… some of the funniest disasters in life seem to happen right there.

Ron kicks things off with the story of a poor guy who drops a hot cup of coffee straight into his lap and immediately performs what can only be described as the “scalded crotch shuffle” across the room. It’s the kind of dance nobody wants to do—but everyone in the room remembers forever.

He also flashes back to the 1980s, when a senior salesperson tries to help a young Ron impress a customer by proudly telling them he’d love to help with their “jewels.” Of course, he meant their most valuable projects… but the customer wasn’t entirely convinced and looked like he might bolt before anyone got too close.

Kenn piles on with the story of a coworker whose well-meaning mother washed his underwear along with some fiberglass-lined drapes. The result? A full day of mystery itching, panic, and a man who could not stop grabbing his crotch while trying to figure out what the heck was happening.

The buds once again prove that the 1980s workplace was a goldmine of ridiculous, unscripted comedy—especially when things went terribly wrong below the belt.

Another unapologetically funny episode from Boomers on the Edge.

• Adult humor.
• Boomer's rating: On the Edge.

https://www.boomersontheedge.com

boomers@boomersontheedge.com

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hey, and welcome to Boomers on the Edge. Some guys in their 60s who still think they're 60. Your hosts, Kat and Ron. Let's get started.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Hey Ron, this is an interesting selection of music. Yeah, it's kind of cool.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

What's it called? Crouch jumping in your wall. Crotch jumping? No, crouch. Oh. Well, talking about crotches. Isn't that the topic for today? Yes, it was. These stories are gonna be about we're gonna tell some stories about crotches.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Yeah, but not in your walls, probably in their pants. No, yeah, exactly. So you said something that pretty was pretty funny that happened at work with you. A couple of them.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

I've got a couple crotch stories. Crotch. Do tell. Do tell. All right. So as uh people know from listening to the show, uh, I was in uh sales in computers. Yes. And so I got a couple stories that kind of go along with the crotch, believe it or not. So the first one being uh I had a situation with uh one of my buddies, we'll call him Bob, uh sales guy and I. We had uh we had uh we won't get into the details because the audience isn't gonna care about why the customer got upset, but he was he was upset, and so he was concerned. So we're sitting there, I'll never forget, and and we're trying to calm him down. He's upset as it is, and uh, you know, we're we're gonna try to be as nice as we can to him. Well, he's getting more, and when he when he hears, what do you mean you went to the president of the company when he when he he got excited about his project? Yeah, because our management had pushed us into this, yeah. He gets so excited he's got a cup of coffee in it in his hand. Did you guys give him that coffee? No, okay, no, but it's steaming hot. Yeah, he's like, What do you mean? What do you mean? And he drops the coffee in his lap in his crotch. Very sensitive very sensitive, and stands up, this would probably be better on video, and he's screaming and he's grabbing it. And were there women in this room? No, just the three of us. And Bob and I are trying not to laugh, okay. Which was probably pretty hard. No, not with a guy jumping around, grabbing his crack and a big time customer.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Yeah. So time out, time out. Let me say something. So the reason why I asked if there was females present was because whenever I watch like America's Funniest Videos, yeah, with my wife.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Yeah, I think you said this on another episode.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Or my mother-in-law, they like they they take great delight every time some guy gets tripping or falling or getting or some guy gets whacked in the in the groin area with the baseball or a softball or whatever. They like that. They are laughing themselves off, practically crying. My mother-in-law is like 88, and she's laughing her butt off.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

She still thinks that's funny. Yeah, well, she would have really liked this. They would have been loving it. I mean, this man's bouncing all over the nurvant. The other crotch-related story that I have from work is we uh, when I was a young sales uh you know guy, you have a lot of senior guys around you. There was a guy that had been uh uh, I won't say the company, but he was uh a very experienced guy in the computer industry, and he was approaching his 60s and probably on the end of his rec his uh career, and this deal was so big with one of the auto companies that they had to assign him to another guy and I. We'll call that guy Bob too. Right. But Bob and I weren't, you know, we weren't good enough to know how to do this. So you could learn from this. Yeah, learn from the from the master. Okay. Right. So the master, when you're doing a prep for a deal and you're gonna present a big proposal to a customer, you go into a room and you do some you know, some planning. Even in those days, they'd have like cigarettes going in the room and you know, like talking about how we were gonna do it. So this this this expert, he uh he's saying, he keeps saying, Yeah, we need to talk about their jewels. And I'm like, the minute he said that word, I'm like, what? That's not a good choice of words. No, and what he meant in his defense was you know, we gotta uh we gotta play to the things that are important to that company, okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Like it was the crown jewel of the company, like the most important aspect.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

And what we're gonna sell them is gonna make you know, gonna make them better, okay? Yeah, so I kept saying, and you know, and like a little young, you know, I think I might I might barely have been 30. I'm like, uh, you know, he said he kept saying it. Yeah, he must have said it six times in this meeting. Not a good choice. And I said, in front of our VP, our VP, who told me I had to use this guy. So I said, you know, I don't think that's a good idea to use that word. I just don't I know this customer, and this customer, he was old school. This guy, uh, this story is an 80s story, and this guy had been, you know, doing this since the 50s. They literally would sit in those days smoking cigarettes in the room. And and this guy's a tough dude. He had started in plants, and and he he wasn't, I didn't think that was gonna go over big, you know. So anyway, we go to the important meeting, and of course, I'm too junior to do the presentation. Actual sales meeting, yes, to the propos to do the proposal to the customer, and we'll call him Jim. And uh Jim's sitting there, uh got you know the usual face, and our our master salesperson, uh, he's up at the board, you know, and he's got the screens going, he's got the slides going, and he's doing, and he says to him, and we want your jewels. And the guy looks at him like, What in the world are you talking about? Your jewels, we want your jewels. What was their reaction? And the guy's looking at him like his face is actually twisting. This is a high lever custom high-level customer. Yeah, yeah, I go, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. He's talking about you know, the important things on Project 601. Okay, yeah, he goes, he goes, Oh, Jesus God, he goes, I he stands up, he grabs his crotch, and he goes, I thought he wanted my gonads. Now that would have been embarrassing. Needless to say, the master, yeah, he wasn't too happy. Yeah, because I had called him out beforehand. And uh you called it outright, apparently. Yeah, well, yeah, Jim, my customer, was like, you know, and he wouldn't quit laughing about it. Like, like he like I'd see him like the next week and be like, hey, where's the go-dad guy? You know, so it's like now we left him at home.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

No, okay. Now, uh, did you make the sale? We did, yeah, we did once we got the master out of the way. And how long did he remain in the workforce, the master jewel guy?

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Uh these guys had come from another big computer company uh that uh I eventually did go and work for that has three letters. Uh but uh he was on his retirement pretty quickly after that. Oh, it sounds like he should have been put out the pasture.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Yeah. Well, I have a story about a crotch story? A crotch-related story, yeah. So I worked in the automotive industry as well, one of the big three. And I did cost reduction workshops. Like a cost reduction engineer, and so I ran these teams, work teams through a process trying to look for cost reductions without sacrificing quality. Well, we have a little small talk in the beginning, people introducing themselves and stuff like that. And I told them a story about something that had recently happened where it necessitated my wife and I to have to wash our curtains. Okay. And it had just happened like the day or two before. And uh some birds had gotten into the house.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Yeah, I think you might have told that story on a sort of thing. It wasn't another story. Some some bird was going around and doing his business.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Yeah, and when we washed those those curtains, I was quite shocked that they actually disintegrated in the washing machine pro in the washing machine and uh ended up throwing them away anyways. But that story prompted another story from one of the participants at the meeting. Okay. And he went on to say that uh his mother washed the curtains one time at his house, but she threw all these curtains into the washing machine with anything else that needed to be washed.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

And apparently including the guy's underwear. Okay. And uh, but what no one knew was that there were fiberglass um strands in the curtains. Probably in those days as best as but suffice to say that when the underwear were dried and he put them on the next day to go to school, he was getting all these poking sensations in his crotch area, and he was like jumping around. I know, it's better on if it was on tape, but uh he's jumping around and he's you know getting poked here and there in the nether region. And uh it was kind of funny the way he described it. Well, later on, like after lunch, midway through the afternoon, this same dude he starts looking like he's gonna fall asleep. Uh-huh. And um That's always good at one of these uh Yeah, you don't want that. And I actually take that as a personal challenge to get this guy to You were putting the customer to sleep. Is that what you're he wasn't a customer, he was a maybe an internal customer? Yeah, it wasn't an employee, but I consider them internal customers. So, anyways, in order to get this guy's attention, I see his eyes like kind of half closing, you know, opening back up and closing. I start jumping around and like grabbing my crotch a little bit, and um, and I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Well, did the rest of the room like they all saw they let you jump in? They all kind of thought it was kind of funny. Grabbing your crotch.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

But I had to explain to them that I was doing this as a result of this cat's story earlier in the day. And I go, but apparently it didn't work because it never did wake the dude up.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

So it was kind of so the point of the story is that you were jumping around the room, then you were grabbing your crotch.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

Kind of, but it was a crotch-related work story, which is what we were going for. Exactly. And um, and maybe the listeners can gain from that that maybe they should not put their curtains in with fiberglass curtains with their curtains. If you knew there was fiberglass in them to begin with, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

Yeah. So, anyways, that's so I I don't know if uh the audience can relate to the those crotch stories, but uh those are stories that we found that we had in common that uh involved the crotch at work. Yeah. So thanks for listening, everyone. Thanks. Hey, thanks for joining us here on Boomers on the Edge. We hope you'll join us again. And until then, have a great time. Thank you.