Drunken Cacti
Welcome to Drunken Cacti. Where everyday conversations flow a little smoother with a drink in hand.
Drunken Cacti
Uncle Daddy
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Welcome back everyone. A weird week here with your host Riley Purser. We were joined with Julian and Chloe. Making a Jungle juice and talking about a coming out story and Some wild early passings.
Drop a Confession or Secret
(480) 359-6426
New Episode out every Wednesday at 3PM MST
Follow us on Instagram: @Drunkencactipod
TikTok: @drunken.cacti.Pod
Youtube: @DrunkenCactiPod
[DISCLAIMER]
All comments made in this video are purely satirical and for comedic/entertainment purposes only. This is a comedy video. Do not take anything said in the video seriously. All people seen in this video are actors, this video was filmed on a film set with professionals. Comments made by actors are not to be confused with the real opinions of the actors. This is a staged comedic performance.
Welcome to the Joking Captain Podcast.
SPEAKER_07Arguments are dumb, the logic is slurred, and we are bound to make somebody upset to breathe the same air as us. I am your host, Riley Purser, joined here today with Julia. And Chloe.
SPEAKER_00Hi, Glen Lola?
SPEAKER_07Hi, everyone.
SPEAKER_03And Riley.
SPEAKER_07So we have something a little bit fun this week. Julian was here with us last time. Lola and Chloe were not.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, she wasn't.
SPEAKER_07Oh, it was Vivian that wasn't. Lola has not been with us for this.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
unknownWait.
SPEAKER_07Honest mistake. Oh, you mean the let him get to his thing and you'll find out what he's talking about. Talk about a pick me girl. Okay, so. Yeah, Vivian was there for the jungle juice. And it was gross because you weren't. So we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna do another jungle juice this week. So we're gonna go ahead and get started. We have a was that strawberry kiwi? We took the lake. Yeah, strawberry kiwi. Strawberry Kiwi is gonna be our base. So let me go ahead and toss that bad boy in there. Pork, pork, pork, pork, pork. Why are you calling me pork?
SPEAKER_08Pork, pork!
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Should we get some ASMR with the microphone? Alright. Okay. Julian, you want to go with your first one? Well, for for one, we got some candies. Oh, we want to put those in now? Yeah, we can red generic fish. They might be Swedish, I don't know. And some uh Sour Patch adults. Wait, should we say they could be kids, I don't know. They might be kids. And then we also have some uh gummy clusters. That might be nerd, I don't know. Smart gummy cards. So we're gonna throw those in.
SPEAKER_03Wait, shouldn't you do the warning?
SPEAKER_07What warning?
SPEAKER_03The one where it's like the Drinking Cacti podcast.
SPEAKER_07Someone says something racist.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_07Yep. But it might be useful.
SPEAKER_03Just say just in case.
SPEAKER_07That way I don't have to say we got our candies in there. Wait, no, we won't do that one first.
SPEAKER_08We gotta smear enough mango.
SPEAKER_07May or may not be smear enough. May or may not. Well, I thought you said we could say the No, we can't. I'm just messing with you. Wait, we can't? No, you can. Wait, we can't. I don't know. It's questioning you. Who am I? Dude, that stuff looks like straight urine.
SPEAKER_01It does have urine.
SPEAKER_07And it's my kid's gonna be that's what my urine looks like on the morning after. And it's gonna look like that in the morning.
SPEAKER_08Finish and all. And then Yeah, it's wild.
SPEAKER_07Okay. Well, no, we're gonna do one at a time. Put it down. Chloe, go in his with your first one. What do you got?
SPEAKER_03Rum. Don't remember what friend.
SPEAKER_07It was Picardi and it was coconut.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_07Picardi rum.
SPEAKER_03It smells like sunscreen.
SPEAKER_07Oh, it's up to you. You're the one pouring. Go for it, Nice guy. Looks like someone might have to stay this in the studio overnight. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Everyone.
SPEAKER_07Okay, Lola. I mean, that was straight rum. Yep. Not like a mixed rum. That was rum. This is Lola's. What is it?
SPEAKER_01And a a vodka with its gave infused.
SPEAKER_07Leave it to Lola to do something all fancy and shit. Oh my candy! The candy fell, bro. Okay, Julian. Wait, don't you use that? I don't have anything else. You don't have anything else? No, that's all I got. I've got a big thing.
SPEAKER_00He's got he has blue balls.
SPEAKER_07We're gonna throw in a chug jug. Yep. Our little splash potion or a little It's drunk proof.
SPEAKER_03I could have helped, but I mean just to help.
SPEAKER_07Well, you don't want to make all this drink.
SPEAKER_00Wait, maybe there was something that hit their ew. One shot of Julian.
SPEAKER_08It's a clean shirt, too. Does that make you feel better? That's all that, yeah. You feel better now. Yep.
SPEAKER_03Not really, but I'm kidding.
SPEAKER_04Fine, you know what?
SPEAKER_00I'm kidding. My candy!
SPEAKER_07Drunk and cacti podcast. Dude, why'd you put highlighter colors in that?
SPEAKER_08I won the f okay.
SPEAKER_03Honestly, it looks so pretty.
SPEAKER_07Chloe, your turn. What do you got for us?
SPEAKER_01This is lavender syrup.
SPEAKER_07Perfect. Your mic was only behind you.
SPEAKER_08Oh, lavender syrup.
SPEAKER_07There you go.
SPEAKER_08Should we do all of it?
SPEAKER_07Or such a couple of things. How big this fucking bot this thing is. Y'all got nothing else, Lola?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_07Talk about the contribution contribute.
SPEAKER_01Listen.
SPEAKER_07Contribution. Contribution.
SPEAKER_01Already is.
SPEAKER_07Hey, you're not you gotta get lower than that. There's fucking candy. What the hell?
SPEAKER_01Look how fishies are swimming. Give it a good stir.
SPEAKER_00The fishes are swimming finally. They're they've gone back home. To their natural habitat.
SPEAKER_04They're jungle juice.
SPEAKER_07Okay, Lola, would you be able to take that so you can pour from there?
SPEAKER_01Yes, hand it to me.
SPEAKER_07I feel like gotta use the big one in case someone gets candy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_07I want some candy. Yeah, like we actually try to get some candy in our drinks. The jungle juice has been created. Everyone ready? Cheers. Cheers.
SPEAKER_01That's actually really good. That's pricey shit. That's way better than the last one that you all had.
SPEAKER_05This is gonna be a headache.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_05But it's gonna be good, bro. This is actually good.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Okay, this is definitely I'm not gonna drink more than this.
SPEAKER_09This class.
SPEAKER_04You're not. I don't know. But it's that it's a it's but you think it's bad?
SPEAKER_03I I think No, no, not that it tastes bad.
SPEAKER_07I'm just the agave and the coconut.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_07That agave's gotta be strong because you didn't put much in there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know. I did a little bit.
SPEAKER_07Bartender, I might need a top off. Julian. How conscious are you about or not how conscious? How realistic are you about your uh future? I understand that I'm getting a 30-year home loan with my dad, and that by the end of the 30 years, my dad's probably gonna be dead. Okay. So then you might have a good answer to this question. How many wives do you think we're gonna have? None. I have a sneaking suspicion that my life is gonna live as the uncle. As that one uncle, the single uncle. I feel like I'm gonna live my life as the single uncle. And you know what?
SPEAKER_03And like all the kids are gonna let me be like, you know what? He's cool. Like he's gonna be like the favorite uncle.
SPEAKER_07And I'm gonna be the single uncle. I'm gonna be mad because I want to bang their mom. You're gonna want to bang your brother's wife?
SPEAKER_09That's what I'm gonna do. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_01For him to be that uncle, he needs to be a rank Easter nephew that he has and go to all the plate too.
SPEAKER_08When you're that uncle, when you're uh hanging around the kid a bunch, taking him out to you know, ride motorcycles and dirt bikes and shit. And there's the hick chicks all there with their kids too.
SPEAKER_03And then she hits you up and you're like my uncle, he taught me how to throw horseshoes and how to armkit fart and knee fart. Can I still armpit?
SPEAKER_08Hold on, hold on.
SPEAKER_09I want I want to know if I can't still I can do it. I ain't done it in years, bro. I can still do it, dude. What can you do with your kneecits?
SPEAKER_08He's gonna pull off his pants? I was gonna say I gotta like breeze it. I'm like, how am I gonna do this?
SPEAKER_03I have to like weigh down and like hey guys, I'm gonna do it.
SPEAKER_08Why are you touching it? It's hard. I'm gonna do this. I can't wait. I'm gonna do it, guys.
SPEAKER_07My my fing hand is stuck. Julian, if a family member were to ask you for a donation of your sperm, would you do it? Would they want a donation from him? Yeah. What do I have? But I'm asking you, would you donate your sperm to a family member who needed it because they couldn't like let's say someone wasn't fertile?
SPEAKER_01How close f well would there ever be a case that you would donate sperm?
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Probably not, because I'd be thinking of the fact that my fizz went into their wife. That's what you turkey based it.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_08And still they still put my jazz in their wife.
SPEAKER_07But what if it was like they went to a place and they did it surgically?
SPEAKER_08My sperm. Like still in his wife.
SPEAKER_07No, they take the egg out of the woman. And like that, they take the single sperm and they fertilize it, and then they put the egg back.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, they a bunch of them. My sperm still fertilize the egg that is inside that woman's womb. Your concern is that, not that it's your child growing in their womb.
SPEAKER_08It sounds like the same fing thing.
SPEAKER_07Chloe, where are you at on this?
SPEAKER_03Like, if I if I would like give up my uterus for someone, yeah. Uh I'd do it. It depends on the person, but I I'd do it. If um I was able to. Yeah. And if someone really needed it, I I would as long as I wouldn't be it wouldn't be like a random person giving me a f ton, then I'd do it for a random person. But if it's like, oh, like you think you would get attached though?
SPEAKER_07Or knowing that you're going into that for that purpose, you think you wouldn't get attached?
SPEAKER_03Um honestly, knowing my personality, if I'm going into it, like, oh, this is not like my baby, I wouldn't get attached. It's very easy for me to like, if I know right up the front, like this is not I know I've never been pregnant, so I can't say that for sure. I know there's like a bunch of hormones that goes into carrying the child and everything. And and I have heard of women getting attached to um the babies that they're being circused for. Yeah, yeah. Um, but I I don't know. I I I feel like I feel like I would enjoy it, honestly.
SPEAKER_07I've also heard of mothers murdering their children.
SPEAKER_03So too, like gypsy rose. Um, anyways, uh I was talking about Gypsy Rose is that too? No, I'm sure she killed her baby? No, not her baby, her mom.
SPEAKER_07Oh, okay. Okay. I thought you were saying Gypsy Rose killed her I was talking about post-parent depression.
SPEAKER_03No, I'm not lawling. I'm not the f friend thing.
SPEAKER_07Um Allegedly.
SPEAKER_03Allegedly. No, like yeah, like uh if I was able to, then I would I would do it.
SPEAKER_07Go. Julian, if you ever got cancer. Did you ask me if I have it? No, no. If you ever got cancer, oh my gosh. Would you go through the process to try and beat it, or would you just be like, eh, I'm eh.
SPEAKER_09I'm not doing that. I'm not a fighter.
SPEAKER_07I that's a tough one. Yeah. Because I've seen people fight it and win, and I've seen people fight it and win, and then it secretly come back later and kill them within three months of them finding out they had it again.
SPEAKER_03Or not even just like three months back, it could be like years later and it comes back.
SPEAKER_07That happened with one of with my uh one of my aunts. She uh she got cancer, she fought it. Uh, and if I remember correctly, she basically beat it, it went into remission, and then one day she found out that she had it, it was advanced, and she was gone like three months later.
SPEAKER_01Well, what was exactly span? Yeah. What was the time spanning for remission to relapse?
SPEAKER_07It was a couple years.
SPEAKER_01That's it.
SPEAKER_03So she still had ears with them had she not fought it. My aunt was like kind of similar. This was a but it was I think it was this was she had it, she got diagnosed before I was born, so like back in like the late 90s. She beat it before I was born, so before 2001, and then 10 years later, it came back and ultimately was her demise when I was like eight years old.
SPEAKER_07What do you guys think about death?
SPEAKER_03I think it could be fun.
SPEAKER_07I I have to think about it a lot. I'm scared of death.
SPEAKER_03I got I'm not afraid at all.
SPEAKER_07I got reminded by my dad today that I've experienced more death at 23 than most people ever do in their entire life. And I'm like, huh. What the f? Why me? Like I'm scared of death. And I think it's like it's definitely a uh a FOMO situation.
SPEAKER_08Well, you're like, damn, my family ain't died yet. What the f, dude? Well, it's just I'm missing out.
SPEAKER_07It's just more like if I were to die tomorrow in a car accident, that scares me, because then what am I missing out on that I could have had afterwards?
SPEAKER_03My main fear is like how I die. Like if I peacefully dying, dying, but if I'm like, I don't know, get kidnapped and I'm being tortured to death. It's the weight I die that I'm afraid of.
SPEAKER_07Call back, don't get into people's vans. We talked about that last week. Or are you?
SPEAKER_03Like going back to what you're saying, I don't know what exactly your experience was, but like short time frame. Like I've just experienced a lot of death in my life, unfortunately, very, very young. And so it doesn't appear. So like in a span of 10 years, I lost, not no particular order, lost my aunt, lost my cousin, lost my uncle, lost my grandma, and my grandpa. Um, and then that's not even counting pets. And it was yeah, it was like in a span of less 10 years.
SPEAKER_07I got a good uh topic changer. I want to do a little skip. This drink is so fing good. I'm gonna give both of you guys a character. This drink is so good. Okay. Am I about a beater? No.
SPEAKER_08I was a little bit, but now I'm not.
SPEAKER_07Chloe, here's your character.
SPEAKER_00I'm beating you up.
SPEAKER_07Okay. You're a white woman.
SPEAKER_00Easy. Oh my god, no starbucks.
SPEAKER_07Nope, older. In a white picket fence home. Okay. You're an old-fashioned white woman. So like a Karen? Is she supposed to play? Nope, nope, not a Karen. Not a Karen. Not a Karen. Like a trad wife. Okay. Okay, real religious.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_07You and your husband just adopted a child. But your husband is not around because he works too much.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_07And you're coming to meet the child for the first time. In comes Julian.
SPEAKER_08I'm meeting the child for the first time.
SPEAKER_07No, you're the child. I'm the child. You're the child. Okay, you're gonna get adopted, but you're severely gay, but you've been hiding it. So you have to come out to your new mother that is super against it.
SPEAKER_08Have I been their child for a while now?
SPEAKER_07No, she's meeting you for the first time. So paperwork signed, so now you can open up about your sexuality.
SPEAKER_03She can't get way back. Wait, let me get in my head real quick. Hold on, let me.
SPEAKER_07I'm trying to play the angsty teenager that's secretly gay.
SPEAKER_01You're doing great.
SPEAKER_07But you are cup, this is your coming out.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_07And you have to not accept him.
SPEAKER_03Alright, son. What are you gonna tell me? We gotta church to hear in about 30 minutes and make a quick.
SPEAKER_04Mom, I don't know if I should go to church, Mom. I don't know if I should go to church. Well, I don't love the devil, but it starts with a D.
SPEAKER_03This is Alabama. I can't I I don't know the alphabet past D. What do you mean it starts with a day?
SPEAKER_04Well, I mean, I'm not very good at spelling, but I can spell it out for you if you want to. I mean, you tell me. Do you not know what I'm trying to say?
SPEAKER_08Um I don't know, but you're acting like a queer son. So you so you know how like how like when a man and a woman love each other very much, they they they they they indulge in the holy sanctuary of sex. Yeah. If you don't do anything else other than that, then you say hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know how a man and a woman normally do that. Yeah, and only they should. Well, Ma. In this case, I don't know if I like it when it's a man and a woman. You know?
SPEAKER_03In all fairness, it was your cousin, so she's not that good looking either. So you just got to go. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you know? So you know?
SPEAKER_08Yeah, why do you think the cameras are for? Well, you just adopted me. How'd you know I fucked you my my my future cousin? How'd you know I fucked Jeremy?
SPEAKER_03Jeremy, I'm talking about Kara. She nut less than a five.
SPEAKER_04Well, Jay, let's just say Jeremy's been getting it.
SPEAKER_08Mom, I'm gay. Ma, I gotta come clear.
SPEAKER_03I'm gay, Mom. I'm gay. Son, I know I adopted you, but you know the whole saying about like I brought you into this world, I could take you out. Even though I didn't bring you in this world, I'm gonna take you out.
SPEAKER_08Not if Jeremy's here, he's gonna protect me. My man's got me. I'm here for you. Yeah, man. I'm here. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, hold my hand. Hold my hand, Jeremy. Okay. Jeremy, my mom does not support us, and I knew this was gonna happen. Why did you tell me I needed to be honest with that?
SPEAKER_06Because I wanted to tell you that your mother's a bigot.
SPEAKER_03Mom, why are you such a bigot? It's not so much I'm a bigot, it's just that's a cousin.
SPEAKER_06So it's okay that it's game.
SPEAKER_08No, that's worse. It's fourth generation. No, no, we're not fourth generation.
SPEAKER_06We're zero generation.
SPEAKER_08You got a fake box!
SPEAKER_06Now we came here.
SPEAKER_08It's my fucking take off date.
SPEAKER_06So we came here because we needed some kind of so I don't get pregnant. I thought you were the man. I am. Is that not how it works? If you love each other enough, that's what they told me.
SPEAKER_08Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot I was at 14. Are you a gender trans?
SPEAKER_06No, they said in health class, if you love each other very much, get a baby.
SPEAKER_08But they did say that was between a man and a woman. I don't know if they said it was between a man and a man. They didn't double bump upon that very much. No, not really. Well, you know what? You know what? When Jeremy finishes it, my mouth. I feel like a real man. Okay, man.
SPEAKER_00Okay. You know what? When Jeremy finishes it in my mouth, I feel like I'm mad, too.
SPEAKER_09Jeremy, what the fuck? Why'd you go on the fuck my mouth?
SPEAKER_00Why'd you go fuck my mouth? We're like, Jeremy, why'd you f with the fucking?
SPEAKER_06I wanted to hang out with you more. I got enough for the whole family.
SPEAKER_08I know I like to keep it in the family, but this time I'm about to want you to keep it in the family.
SPEAKER_09We family!
SPEAKER_03And scene.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, scene. That was great. That was good. That was good.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, we should start a show.
SPEAKER_07That was great. That was my southern accent. That was good.
SPEAKER_03That was my southern accent. That was perfect.
SPEAKER_08I feel like my matched uh angry southern accent pretty well.
SPEAKER_09Let's go fuck up all in the retardation.
SPEAKER_07If you want to book us, give us a call.
SPEAKER_03That's literally you, dude.
SPEAKER_07I love the crackhead kid. This kid's definitely on crack right now.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. I'm not sure. You know what's crazy? My like, so my oldest niece is 16, right? She doesn't know what Vine is. Isn't that sad?
SPEAKER_07You're still on iFunny.
SPEAKER_03What's wrong with iPhone?
SPEAKER_07Julian, what do you think about people still being on iFunny?
SPEAKER_08Strong with iFunny.
SPEAKER_07You do not have iFunny downloaded. You do not have it downloaded. I don't. I I haven't used iFunny since 2000. Left for Gegan, bro. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_03But can you at least acknowledge that you used it?
SPEAKER_07I used it. I had the iFunny watermark for a while whenever I posted to Instagram. Not actually, but like yes, I used iFunny.
SPEAKER_08Chef was the coolest motherfucker in the world, bro. They did him dirty. I think he's in jail.
SPEAKER_03I originally started going on iFunny because a guy in high school liked iFunny. And so I downloaded iFunny to You seem like kind of a follower. When it comes to guys, I definitely was. Like at one point, I had I got I got into Rick and Morty. I never liked the show. Okay. It's just it's not like a bad show. It's just not for me personally. But I acted like I was so into it. I had like my text tone was like the thing. Like I'm not just kidding. Because when I get text on it, the guy would be like, that's your text tone, and be like, yeah.
SPEAKER_07I got a cigarettes because of a female.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I got in a female because of a male. My reading tone is still type.
SPEAKER_03You know, there's nothing wrong with that. I just I don't think the show's bad. I just don't know. Did you play watch it as like a comfort?
SPEAKER_07No. The video game? It's so good. No. You would. No, it's not Rick and Morty, but it's from the creators. So it's all the same voices. Which video game? Um wait, you say it's the same voices. The voice was fing, what's it called? Justin Royland. And he can't do the voice anymore because he's not part of the team. It's not Rick, it's not a Rick and Morty video game. I understand that. But is it voice actor? Yeah, is it Justin Royland? It's called High On Life. Oh, you're talking oh, well, yeah. I mean, well, yeah. You're talking about the first one. You know how long that's been out for? There's a second one? Riley, you know how long High on Life has been out for? Yeah. Over seven years. Do you guys uh know I know, but they came out with a second one? I'm pretty sure they came out with the second one. Did you make you watch full movies on this? On which? On on High on Life? In like the base, there's a TV. You can literally sit down and just watch a full movie. What movies do they have? I'm curious about that.
SPEAKER_03Unrelated, but movies are unrelated to games. But if you guys have you guys ever played the game Peak?
SPEAKER_08I haven't played it, but I know of it. It's so fun.
SPEAKER_03It's very like it's not it's not like story-based or anything like that. It's still like, okay, keep climbing to the top of the mountain. But it's so fun. It's a lot of like teamwork stuff. My husband and I play it. And we play it with um our cousin. It's actually so fun, dude.
SPEAKER_07Vampire hookers, spookies, and blood harvest. What's that about? I have no idea. Wait, what?
SPEAKER_03I'm guessing it's about vampire hookers, uh, blood spatters or whatever you said, and whatever.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Oh, yeah, there is a second one. I might need to go buy an Xbox tomorrow. Nah, dude. Don't bother. I've heard it's like that. I still want to finish the first one. I never got around to it. The first one was fun for as long as I got into a PC is where it's out. I I wonder what happened with uh what's his name? I have a Mac you just can't really play games on it.
SPEAKER_03Well, you can make it. You can get like a Bluetooth um controller. That's what I use.
SPEAKER_07No, it's not that. It's that Macs can't really play games. They're just not it's not easy to set it up, basically. Most games are set up for one host.
SPEAKER_03Julian builds computers.
SPEAKER_07I build PCs to look. Oh sick! Julian, we can play Minecraft now because I can only play Java. I might play Minecraft with you sometime. Well, remember how you always got mad because I played Bedrock? Yeah. And we cannot play then because we were in my.
SPEAKER_03I also was like really into like the server. I forgot what the name of the server is, but it's like you have to be like accepted into it. But um but as if you want to play Minecraft, my husband can use some more friends.
SPEAKER_07Um did you hear that the onion bought InfoWars, bro? No, I didn't. Anyhow, welcome thank you for joining us on the Chokey Gag Type Podcast. I'm your host, Riley Player Purser, joined here today with Juliano. It got stuck. And Chloe. And Lola.
SPEAKER_01Bye everyone. Like, subscribe, comment.
SPEAKER_07Tell your grandpa's mistress about us. I know this sounds really awful, but I'm wiping the spit off because I deep throated it. That's why it's your mind. We're out of here every Wednesday, 3 p.m. and we're out by Bye.