Drunken Cacti
Welcome to Drunken Cacti. Where everyday conversations flow a little smoother with a drink in hand.
Drunken Cacti
Cafe Lady
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Welcome back everyone. A weird week here with your host Riley Purser. We were joined with Julian and Lola. Talking about Morman Wives, Bonding Rituals, and Knocked up cats.
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[DISCLAIMER]
All comments made in this video are purely satirical and for comedic/entertainment purposes only. This is a comedy video. Do not take anything said in the video seriously. All people seen in this video are actors, this video was filmed on a film set with professionals. Comments made by actors are not to be confused with the real opinions of the actors. This is a staged comedic performance.
Welcome to the Join the Taco Podcast. I'm your host, Riley Purser. Joined here today with Julian and Lola.
SPEAKER_00Hi everyone.
SPEAKER_02The story I wanted to tell before the podcast, so I started it so I could tell it. Last week. For those of you who are listening to this on Spotify, he was chewing on some sweetie or unnamed fish. Ukrainian fish. Yeah, Ukrainian fish. Wait a minute. That might actually be a bad thing to say. Oh, Russian fish. Pakistani fish. Anyways, so last week when uh we recorded the next morning, me and Jillian, because he stayed the night, we decided to go to a cafe. Yep. And we went there. And he could not get this waitress to laugh. I swear. He says he did. No, no, no, no, no, no. But but well, we should first, since we're talking about the cafe, talk about the fact that the waitress asked us for a lighter. That's what I was getting into. So we're we were the youngest dudes there. And it's a cafe of like imagine cracker bear, but more niche and old. Yeah. Smaller. Yeah. They come up to us. Motherfucker. All of these people probably smoke cigarettes on the daily. Okay. Why are you coming up to me like I have got a lighter? She said, You guys have a lighter? We were like, um, no. She's like, Oh, I thought you guys were gonna be the ones that have one. I was like, absolutely. What? I I I thought I was sent to her. We're probably the least likely in this room to have one. Yeah, that was crazy. But the other waitress, yeah. Nah, I made her laugh. No, you didn't. I thought it was she thought it was funny. I was like, you know what? It was a funny thing to say. But yeah, though, but you should see her tomorrow morning then. Well, she was smiling plenty when she was helping me out. Maybe that might be her job. She was also married, I'm sure. What? I don't know. I think I feel like if I looked at her hand, I would see a fucking ring finger. Oh we'll have to check tomorrow. Yeah, we'll see. But yeah, no, like right as we were about to leave, because the whole time I was sitting there, you know, like she looked normal height and everything. But when I went to check out after he had already left, I flat out said to her because I realized she was like five foot four. I was like, oh yeah, you're you're like way you look way taller when you're sitting in the seat. I don't know exactly how I said it, but for some reason she thought it was funny. But I was like, basically, I was like, so at least you felt tall for a minute, right? Or she was wanting a tip, and I'm not sure which one. But one of them. Twiless tip. Okay, we're gonna get into it because it's making me anxious. Last week we opened up some Pokemon cards. Well, I think we have them now. Yeah, I want to open them. Hold on. This freaking fee. Hang on, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Put them down.
SPEAKER_00But put them down.
SPEAKER_02Wait.
SPEAKER_00Patience.
SPEAKER_02Wait. Is Julie gonna do an intro? Wait. Well, you gotta train them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You gotta keep them trained, otherwise, they're gonna keep acting up like that. So we'll we'll keep talking about the cafe chicken. Oh my god. She was kind of cute. There's nothing else to say about her. Well, she was just kind of cute, but yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, so this Sunday, you need to get her number.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm good. I mean, no, he has a better chance with the chick at Dollar General. I don't need another job. Ah, yeah. The one that didn't want to sell you the Pokemon stuff. She was like, we don't have any Pokemon stuff. I said, I see a tin right behind you. I guess we have some Pokemon stuff. It was like underneath a piece of paper, too. They were hiding it for sure. It was for Shirsky. That might have been like them actually trying to save it for someone or something. Saving it for the kids. Maybe. Or maybe she was just saving it for her son or something who's like 30, trying to resell it too. You could still hit, bro. I'm good. Well, she was actually still probably hittable, but you know, we're in a small town. If I hit one, I gotta commit. I need the cafe. You don't live here. You don't have to commit to it. Yeah, you're right. You're right, you're right. Are you like Sir Nar? Could be the town whore. You're right. When are we gonna start throwing parties at the office? We should. Go ahead and DM us if you want to go to a party. Okay, so we're gonna open them now. Wait. Hold on, wait. Wait, don't tear the sleeve. Let me see it. No! No, let me see it. No! What do you think I'm gonna do? He's gonna not give them back to me. No, I'm gonna give him back.
SPEAKER_00He just wants you to wait. Oh I don't trust you for a second. Give a pinky promise. How cute. Oh my gosh. Oh jeez.
SPEAKER_02This was turning a little tensor. You're gonna put a metal detector on it? Ooh, that one had a good tone on it, but I don't know. This test might not be very accurate because this one sounded thunkier on the couch, but this one sounded thunkier on the table, dude. Way. Way.
SPEAKER_01Good boy.
SPEAKER_02Okay, you opened first last time, so I'm gonna open first. You are like a fucking dog. Like you get it after I tell you you can have it, you just immediately fucking tear it open. Okay. You think this time we should show on the uh Lola camera so you can get it a little bit closer so the chat can see better? I mean We got a Sligo. Oh yeah. Emulga? We forgot to do the intro for for the segment, bro. Juncan raps! Quailfish? Now we have a uh intro video snippet for that, so you're gonna edit that in, right? Lit Leo? Whoa. Great hall net? Whoa. Detox? Whoa.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02That's not even anything. Yeah, no. Oh my god. Vulpix? Oh my god. Do you think Vulpex is fuckable? Lovely energy. That's it. How are you gonna open yours from all the way over there? God bless it.
SPEAKER_01Prison tower. How did that happen? Okay, hold on. Hold on, okay, okay. Metagross. We got an art rare probat. Oh, why why is Owen behind it? Whoa, why wait, oh hold on.
SPEAKER_02How did that get out of order? Riley, Riley, Pokemon's done. Pokemon's done. Well, in case you were wondering, the lady that you messaged last week about breast milk, she messaged me back. It is still available. I know, I went over there. I saw the message. You got the Addy. That is hilarious, though, that I sent that just to fuck with you, and she actually responded, yes, it's available. Oh yeah, that kid uh that kid did ask his dad about the uh the the uh menstruation thing about whether or not husbands and wives eat period blood when they get married. Yeah, his dad kept going on with it too. Oh nice tricked him into thinking that, you know, you do that when you get married. So there might be a dude out there eating his wife's uh menstrual blood in two to three years in her sandwich, and it might be my dad's fault.
SPEAKER_01Drink of the wig.
SPEAKER_02Drink of the wig.
SPEAKER_00Alright, we're doing two ounces of tequila. Tequila! Tequila, tequila, tequila.
SPEAKER_02That was supposed to be like a Mexican song, but I don't know any. That was hot.
SPEAKER_00One ounce of triple sec.
SPEAKER_02Whoa. Triple sec!
SPEAKER_00Triple sec.
SPEAKER_02Where's the margarita mix come into this? Sex on the beach? No, thank you. I don't like sand. We don't do margarita mix around here. What? Sorry. I thought that was a good joke. I didn't get a single laugh for that. Let's miss it. Sex on the beach. No thanks. I don't want sand. You never had sand in your bowls. I have. It's unpleasant. Yeah, in them. You can't feel it when you're like rubbing around, you don't feel it. Just suggesting like in your ball. No, I'm not making it sound like I have testicular cancer. Oh yeah, me too.
SPEAKER_00Do you?
SPEAKER_02Are we part of the me too movement now? Oh, hang on, let me make sure.
SPEAKER_00Lime juice?
SPEAKER_02Okay, yeah, no, I don't have any lumps on my bowl. Do you want me to check? Yeah, you can check for a minute. Do you feel any lumps? We're not gonna kill the camera. Yeah, no, we're not. Well, we they can't see us.
SPEAKER_00Are you gonna do an exam right now?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he's doing an exam on me, but he doesn't want to tell me whether or not I've got any lumps in my balls. I mean, he's feeling it up pretty good right now, but he's not saying nothing. I'm starting to think like he's not a graduate. So I'm filling it up with my mouth.
SPEAKER_00You you think he's not a a doctor?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm starting to think he's not a real doctor.
SPEAKER_00Two ounces of coconut water.
SPEAKER_02You know, I should have questioned something when I felt both his hands touch my shoulders, but I felt his finger go. I'm starting to think it wasn't his finger.
SPEAKER_00That's rough. I'll beg her his fingers.
SPEAKER_02Well, it felt like he used at least three fingers. Come on, bro. That's so tired. No one's laughing, and I feel like this hurts. I'm ready to go fall asleep to Shrek the Musical.
SPEAKER_00You're hurting his feelings.
SPEAKER_02I know. Julian, are you gonna watch Shrek the Musical with me tonight?
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't mind watching pineapple juice to talk. Me and Julian are gonna have a movie tonight.
SPEAKER_01Pineapple juice, my d- This is gonna taste good later. I'm gonna fucking try that shit.
SPEAKER_02Gonna try it before and after. Hey, I told you to tell him I'm a doctor. I have to make sure it's good.
SPEAKER_00Alright, so we have our Hawaiian margarita. It was two ounces tequila, one ounce triple sec, and then we have two ounces of coconut water. We have a like a little bit of lime juice, and then you top it off with pineapple juice and a maraschino cherry.
SPEAKER_02So you know you tell us to shut up in between each uh fill-up, and we're back. She she she gave it a rim job. I love the salt. I'm like a fart. I'm just eating the salt. I don't even care about the drink.
SPEAKER_00You don't like the salt.
SPEAKER_02A lot of salt.
SPEAKER_00It is. It's margarita salt. You can wipe it off or mix it in.
SPEAKER_02If you're gonna wipe it off, you let me fucking use my finger.
SPEAKER_00He wants to wipe it off with his tongue.
SPEAKER_02I love margarita salt.
SPEAKER_00I do too.
SPEAKER_02Julian, I got a question for you. Why do you think you can't be a Disney adult? I think you could. No.
SPEAKER_00Wait, I have a question. When you say Disney adult, is it you don't like adults that like Disney movies? Or is it adults who talk constantly about Disney movies and dress for Disney movies and that kind of like Yeah, like the the type that you would expect to see at Disneyland.
SPEAKER_02Now not saying that necessarily as an adult, you can't go to Disneyland, whatever. Probably should go with a child though. But you probably yeah, well, I don't know. A child that you know, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Your own child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or your fret and mom.
SPEAKER_00No, um you should probably go with your own child to Disneyland.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think it's actually a rule, isn't it? Or or you're a homie and his child.
SPEAKER_00It's a rule that you have to have a child to go to Disneyland.
SPEAKER_02I thought so.
SPEAKER_00No, it's not. I've been in Disneyland without children. I took my grandma to Disneyland.
SPEAKER_02Oh. Yeah, I guess that counts as a child. Yeah. Anyways, what was your question?
SPEAKER_00That was my question. Were he's not listening? It was does he not like people adults that watch Disney movies, or does he not like the whole Disney adult where they're like talking about Disney, wearing Disney shirts, dressed up, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Well, it's like going to the Renaissance festival. You can either go there to look at knockers, or you can go there and be fat and dress like a witch. To be fair though, there there is also still like you don't necessarily also have to be the type that dresses and wears, you know, all that Disney stuff. If you're also the type where you exclusively only watch Disney, I also hate you too. Well, good thing Shrek the musical is not Disney. Riley? Streamworks. I know you like 90% Disney. No, I'm not. But man. I'm not. I watch a lot of Netflix originals.
SPEAKER_00I like Disney movies. I just can't go as far as being fully decked out Disney talking Disney all the time.
SPEAKER_02Do I do that?
SPEAKER_00No, but I do know some people. I do I know people where it's extreme. It's the only thing they talk about.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's how that Madison was.
SPEAKER_00Wait, are you gonna become like that with Pokemon? Are we gonna get it?
SPEAKER_02I've already been thinking about starting to watch the anime.
SPEAKER_00I think it's time he's gonna if he starts wearing a Pokemon backpack, we're that's Julian.
SPEAKER_02We should learn how to play. I can give you my Pokemon socks. Bro, we should learn how to play. They're well weightened so they smell nice. We should learn how to play. I don't even know how to play. Can you tell? It's a lot of work, man. Really? But it would be fun. What I want you to learn to play is Dungeons and Dragons, dude.
SPEAKER_00No, that I was just gonna say I feel like I would get sucked into it. No, I was just gonna say Pokemon worse or better than being a Pokemon or a Dungeons and Dragon kid. Like, what is going on? Fuck you, Lola. What is happening?
SPEAKER_02Fuck you, Lola.
SPEAKER_01Hey, I'm Dungeons and Dragons! I'm up dungeoning my dragons.
SPEAKER_02Have you seen the people where they have like the TVs on the table and that's like the game? But that's cool. Listen, so you would you be down to do a Dungeons and Dragons at some point, bro? Maybe. I've never tried it.
SPEAKER_00Can you give a quick, like, what is it?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't even know how to play.
SPEAKER_00So I've heard the term, everyone's like, oh, Dungeons and Dragons. What is it?
SPEAKER_02Think of it this way: every single game you've ever played is programmed and played, just like Dungeons and Dragons is set up. It's like Uno. You have classes. Sorry. No, not sorry either. No, not Monopoly. Well, actually, you know what? Yeah, they are. But uh in Dungeons and Dragons, just like every other game, you've got classes, subclasses, you've got races, you've got um abilities, and in each of those classes, and in each of those subclasses, you have different abilities and everything. I want to be an elf. So yeah, I know. I always play as a uh as a dragonborn, but I I play as a like 50-50 dragonborn that's like you know mostly dragon, basically, but like uh one of my or honestly, my favorite playthrough was as a uh giant uh Goliath uh bard. And it was funny because I couldn't play the Ute, so I would just bash people on the head with the fucking Ute. So well, here's my question though. Is there like uh you can just go and like like for like uh what are they called?
SPEAKER_00Tournaments?
SPEAKER_02No, like when you said that. Oh, campaigns? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are there like preset campaigns, or is it always somebody makes one up? So there are preset campaigns made by someone else you can always find. There's preset campaigns, I believe, even in the uh actual uh what's it called? Uh books that you can buy, the uh editions basically. But the majority of it is is it's supposed to be what's called homebrew, which is you come up with some of your own uh campaign stuff. Now they give you the base set, which is basically a book of all the monsters and everything, and you go based on that on everything you can do. So it's essentially like imagine you're on a uh game startup screen. Have you ever played uh Skyrim or any game like that? Have you played Fort or not Fortnite? Um uh Fallout. Oh yeah, you never played Fallout. Um, have you ever played any game where you had to pick pick a race? Uh-uh. Wow. We're starting with the blanks tonight here.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you said campaigns. Like, like what do you mean by that?
SPEAKER_02It's kind of like a still like a goal at the end of it. Basically, well, so essentially the campaign is the story. So the way it's set up, uh so let me try and I guess do a complete rundown on how you would set it up. So you would have your table, you would have multiple players. Everyone sits around a table, and at that center of the table, usually you'll have maybe a map if your guy is, you know, really wants to do that far. Most of the times they will, unless you have a good enough dungeon master who can do a really good job at describing the scenery that you don't even need anything to look at and reference off of. He can just describe it well enough that you're already in you know that room he just described. Like he would describe the wall down to whether or not it's got like you know, mildew dripping down it. Like good dungeon masters do a great job at describing everything. Um, but everyone sits around the table essentially, and you create your own character based on what's already in the editions, like the books, um, or homebrews that either someone else has made or that you're you as a campaign that you've talked to your dungeon master and he has agreed is works in the world that he's creating. Um as you do that, there's different races and classes that you can pick that are straight from there. Um so for example, there's uh races like Dragonborn, uh Barbarian, um Goliath, um, or not barbarian, barbarian is not a race as a class, uh, but uh Goliath is a uh race. You got elves, dark elves, wood elves, all that stuff. And then on inside of each of those, you can pick a subclass or something similar where it's essentially like what you uh decided to become, like whether you decided to become a wizard, you decided to become a bard, a warlock, um, a necromancer, all that kind of stuff. So you can set your character up like that, and through there, there's even more stuff like certain spells you can have for starting up. And if you have a good dungeon master, you uh can either uh unlock your own uh spells or uh like you know, unlock your own spells that are based on the original uh editions or based on what your Uh Dungeon Master says is a spell you can have or create in the world. So you all sit around there and you end up rolling dice to determine all of your health stats, your your uh uh intelligence stats, everything like that. So, like your charisma, everything in between to fully flesh out how your character will work in this world. Sometimes you can roll really low and have basically a really dumb character. And if you're good at immersing in it, you will play your character as he's set up, and it can be very fun. I'm surprised with all of this, and I'm sure there's more uh to describe it. Oh, there's so much more. I'm surprised that you didn't get more into if you've even seen it, I don't know, but Stranger Things. That's what the whole thing is based around. I liked Stranger Things during the first like season or two, but then it was like halfway through the second season, everything started to kind of shift and it just kind of fell off a little bit. It became less interesting as a show that was kind of like an homage to something I already kind of liked. Yeah, yeah. Became more of a uh we're just gonna play around, whatever. Yeah, well, I will tell you, after finishing the whole series, dude. It does seem like the last season was okay. Well, yes, but it actually explains a lot, and you can actually like go back and look at the references throughout the entire thing, even when it did kind of fall off, you can look at all the references and it'll reference to all the gameplay and stuff. So it actually gets pretty interesting once you actually finish it. Like because it opens up a lot of that. Like a lot of the stuff, like the Demogorgon that's trade out of Legends and Dragons. Um we can play it sometime. Um there are campaigns that you can go to sometimes um at card shops, but it's kinda I haven't done it. Um I've always kind of just done it with the homies because I feel like it's more fun that way, but at the same time, I haven't done it with someone, you know, in in a campaign group that I haven't met yet. Yeah, yeah. It might be fun. Or you can do that sometime.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I was I was gonna say two things. Um, one Stranger Things. I don't know about the Dungeon and Dragons aspect, but season four was my favorite season. That was by far the best.
SPEAKER_02Don't was scary. It was scary. It was our necks cracked.
SPEAKER_00It was scared me so much. Yeah, it was so good. And then um I was both my life. Yeah. If we were to play Dungeons and Dragons, wait, I've already forgot what you said the main person's name was, but would that be you since you know how to play uh the Dungeon Master.
SPEAKER_02Dungeon Master. Um I could do it, and I do have a couple campaigns that I've have kind of wanted to do for a while. Um and how about this? Because Julian's been trying to get me to do Dungeons Dragons just as about as long as he's been trying to get me to smoke weed. We'll play Dungeons and Dragons with you. We'll do a special episode.
SPEAKER_00Uh-oh, but you have to wait. He's got what is it?
SPEAKER_02But you have to watch Trager of Things with us. Not tonight, though. No, not tonight.
SPEAKER_00Oh, we can watch it all. No, it's so good though.
SPEAKER_02There is a couple The third season was we wait, which one was it where they went to California?
SPEAKER_00That was the weird one. Maybe that was four.
SPEAKER_02I think that was four.
SPEAKER_00So three is my favorite then. It was right before they this season, right before they go to California. It was when you meet Robin.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was season three or four. Yeah. Four was weird. People were getting their necks cracked, which is like fine. I honestly don't remember.
SPEAKER_00That one's huge, but it wasn't.
SPEAKER_02But just the fact that they like went off to California. No, I got one more subject. Okay. Epstein. Okay.
SPEAKER_00It's a new subject never been talked about before.
SPEAKER_02Never. Epstein. Okay. Did you know?
SPEAKER_01Thank you for joining us on the Drinking Catholic Talk.
SPEAKER_02I'm your host, Riley Purser. Join here. I am your host, Riley Purser. Join here today with Lola. Join here today with Julian and Lola.
SPEAKER_00Lola.
SPEAKER_02Sorry. Trump wanted to come out for a second.
SPEAKER_00Please like, subscribe, comment, subscribe to the OnlyFans.
SPEAKER_02Go to our Instagram. Go to our Facebook that we now have live. Hit up the link tree. We've got an OnlyFans now. Patreon. No, we don't.
SPEAKER_00Comment if you like Dungeons and Dragons. Poke Dunn and your single. Dorcas and Dorcas. Julian's looking.
SPEAKER_02And you're not crazy about Disney.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, don't you think that's the Disney Discord?
SPEAKER_02The gender can be okay either way. As long as you don't like Disney. If this gets 15 likes, we'll play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm gonna make 15 accounts on my joining us. It's every Wednesday, 3 p.m. We'll see you guys next week. We'll gang out. That was cringy. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry, I'm just swimming in his cheeks right now.
SPEAKER_00All things were cringy what just happened. And Rudyon. That's not that cringe.