Drunken Cacti

Crying Bedtime

Riley Season 1 Episode 35

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0:00 | 29:29

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Welcome back everyone. A weird week here with your host Riley Purser. We were joined with Julian and Lola. Talking about Men Fights, Car Genders, and Crying Babies.

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New Episode out every Wednesday at 3PM MST

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[DISCLAIMER] 
All comments made in this video are purely satirical and for comedic/entertainment purposes only. This is a comedy video. Do not take anything said in the video seriously. All people seen in this video are actors, this video was filmed on a film set with professionals. Comments made by actors are not to be confused with the real opinions of the actors. This is a staged comedic performance.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome to the Drunken Cacti Podcast, where the arguments are dumb, the logic is slurred, and we are bound to make somebody upset to breathe the same air as us. I'm your host, Riley Purser. Joined here today with Julian and Lola. Hi everyone. We're here again this week. When do you think we're not gonna be here anymore?

SPEAKER_03

I don't know. Ask Oliver Tree.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, so many nobody listened.

SPEAKER_03

No I I did some times.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yeah, no, I'm not talking about you specifically. I'm just talking about the mass majority right now.

SPEAKER_03

Everyone's like all over this dude's I well he was, I mean, he did just go to Coachella.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, that was actually a sick where they say exactly.

SPEAKER_03

So and you want to say most these people didn't listen to before? Um, I feel like most it I feel like he was st just starting to get even bigger. Yeah. Because of what happened, a lot of people are just hating for the sake of hating. Which I also, you know, I mean, you're gonna get that.

SPEAKER_02

Bro, I think maybe you just gotta stay away from helicopters at this point. Yeah. And a bad rap here.

SPEAKER_03

I I I was trying to look it up earlier. Like, I feel like there's more helicopter and plane related deaths in like the last five, ten years. Kobe Bryant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, apparently there was another one that died today.

SPEAKER_05

Um yeah, it was the founder of Assassin's Creed.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, the founder of Assassin's Creed, they died on a plane crash.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, in France. In France. Going to France.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah. A lot of famous people suddenly dying on planes and helicopters. Yeah. I don't understand it.

SPEAKER_02

I don't know either. People gotta figure out where their money's going or not going.

SPEAKER_03

Right. I wonder if those DEI hires actually were useful.

SPEAKER_05

Do you do you believe the conspiracy that's starting about Oliver Tree?

SPEAKER_03

Well, that it was his own uh record label company. I kinda I I'm kind of with it. Like, I don't know, I kind of buy it. Like, like he had just left the record company and it wasn't on the greatest of terms. He was very upset because they weren't putting out his music like he wanted them to. And so he leaves and then Quincy Dentalley goes on his own solo tour and then dies. Right away.

SPEAKER_02

A little fishy. You know, if only that uh little game we had played actually made it to the to the public. Which one? The one where the SD card was corrupted. One of the people you picked was Oliver Treaty.

SPEAKER_03

Oh yeah. Yeah. That is actually funny that it like literally just beforehand.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Have you seen the reflection pool in DC right now? No. Oh, yeah, how green it is. Well, it's green, but the the paint, the blue paint that they put down is peeling up. Now it's just floating.

SPEAKER_03

And you know they're like basically uh lack of better terms, bombing it, right? Like chemical bombing it. Oh, really? Yeah, apparently the chemical bombing it. But people are mad that they're chemical bombing it. They were mad that it was green, and then now they're I don't get it. But yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Like, how do two helicopters collide mid-air? I feel like if you're on a helicopter, you know, let like we can roleplay a little bit. It's like oh shit!

SPEAKER_01

Another helicopter!

SPEAKER_03

So all I've really been able to find in terms of info on it was just two helicopters hit each other. Oliver Tree was on it. I we think.

SPEAKER_05

And another YouTuber.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, another YouTuber? Oh yeah. Oh man.

SPEAKER_02

What are the YouTuber? Um, who died in the honor?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, it was a pilot, a co-pilot.

SPEAKER_02

Uh five other individuals. Oliver Tree, Gasper Prim Gaspi, Argentine YouTuber and content creator, Lucas Vignell, Argentine video director and internet personality. Lucas Brito Chaves, Brazilian music producer, and then the pilot, and then the co-pilot. Oh, the pilot. Oh, it was the pilot of the first helicopter. There was only one pilot.

SPEAKER_05

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

And then it was the pilot and sole occupant of the second helicopter.

SPEAKER_03

Oh, wow.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So it was a hit. One single guy and the other helicopter.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It was a hit. It was a hit. Like, okay. Because one single guy, another helicopter. You don't have anyone else in the helicopter to distract you. Yeah. You don't have anything, like, uh, that's literally like kind of all there really is to it. You don't have anyone else to distract you. How did you not see another helicopter right in front of you?

SPEAKER_02

Bro, did you hear about that guy? Um, it was one of the fighters. I don't know his name because I don't follow UFC. But when they did the uh the birthday bash for Trump at Washington, D.C., what he had said about Michelle Obama.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Big Dick Mike. What? Didn't he say that Michelle Obama was the man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're right. Remember we we did the whole big dick mic?

SPEAKER_02

You're right, you're right. I know. That's my bad. That's my bad. But you can watch your own podcast. He's been banned from the UFC.

SPEAKER_03

Ah, they banned him for over that? That's so dumb. That's ridiculous. That is so dumb.

SPEAKER_05

Oh no, you can't say that Michelle Obama has a dick. Isn't that freedom of speech? I just say what you're doing.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yes, so he's not getting arrested, but it still is a private entity. But would it be considered defamation?

SPEAKER_05

Wasn't that for Trump?

SPEAKER_02

But he works for the UFC. He has contracts with the UFC. I get that. UFC is a private entity.

SPEAKER_05

I didn't think it was funny, so I don't understand why.

SPEAKER_03

Protected by the Second Amendment help or First Amendment. Hey, you can always protect it with the Second Amendment. But protected by the First Amendment, but at the same time, would you would that be considered defamatory? I I don't think so. Because I don't think it's like truly defaming anyone. It's just a simple you know, me saying like if I say you have a b, I don't think that's defamatory. I mean, I think it's vulgar and rude and dumb, but defamatory.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's not like I'm trying to convince everyone that you've got uh. I'm just saying he has one. I still can't get over the UFC and Nitro Circus at the White House. Nitro Circus was uh was wild, bro. And then they you bring in UFC really. Yeah, you've seen the movie Idiocracy, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

That's exactly what it is.

SPEAKER_03

Every time I see it, all I think of is the president of Idiocracy, where he's from the WWE, or was it the UFC? I can never remember. But it's just it reminded me so much of it when I saw it. I was like, and then the Nitro Circus reminded me of the uh uh what what what was it that they called the uh trial when he was uh arrested and he had to like drive the little wiener mobile. Did I gotta watch this movie again? It's been a while. Oh, dude, I loved it. Oh, I love the time machine too in Costco. But yeah, we are literally I I never thought we were at I knew we were gonna get to idiocracy at some point. I did not expect it to be my lifetime.

SPEAKER_02

Dude, it's coming up quick. It happened, it's coming up quick.

SPEAKER_03

I think we're already there. It's insane. Like I just barely 10 years ago, I was watching idiocracy going. That's kind of what we could be like in like a hundred years, and now I'm like, holy shit.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Nitro circuits. Dude, you just think it's crazy right now. Like, on a real level, there's so much going on in this world that our government is either making bad decisions or just not even doing anything about. But we're gonna let's have some grown men fight each other on the front lawn.

SPEAKER_03

I like like, don't get me wrong. I'm all for it in a way, because like, you know what? Let's go! Oh men and I'm free. But at the same time, is now a good time to be repping America. Yeah, I think we got some bigger fish to fry right now. Yeah, yeah, bigger fish or bigger uh I can't. I won't say, but yeah. A certain, you know, country that we are like batting for, like, yeah, we shouldn't be. And like, you know, we should focus on that. Yeah, I think so. I think that should be the prime focus. But instead, no, no, no, look at these dirt bikes, jump the White House.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, but god damn it. It's like all the YouTubers when they first start out where they were like jumping their houses with their bikes. Yeah. But it's it, I I do have to admit, it is cool. It is. I just feel like it could have been a better time. Yeah, better timing.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I should have done it. Um you know what? As much as I didn't like Biden because he was just a sit-in, yeah, would have been a great time. That would have been the time to do it. But now it's more so like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I know, right? It's it's America. So what do you what do you got going on, Julian? How was your week?

SPEAKER_03

It was another week of bullshit. Yep. Um I don't know if I was here last time to talk about it, but I blew up my car transmission. Yeah, shredded the gears. The gears that would shift before, shift no more.

SPEAKER_02

So what is it? What does it identify as now? Um blown. Blown. Yeah, I I like to identify as that too.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I always identify as blown, but that doesn't mean I'm ever getting blown. It just means I identify as very real low parallels real life.

SPEAKER_02

Well, actually, let me bring this up. Hopefully, Julian will you're gonna have to commit to it now, or at least by the time I edit. But hopefully, we're gonna have a fun 4th of July episode for you guys. It'll come out a little bit afterwards. 250th year for America.

SPEAKER_04

Yep.

SPEAKER_02

We're gonna Jul we're gonna catch Julian on fire. Ooh, fun. You have nothing else to add to this this shout out? Why did I agree to that?

SPEAKER_05

We didn't need your permission.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So Julian, you're gonna have to let me know by Tuesday.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know if we're setting me on fire. Oh, okay. My hair could be. We can work that part out.

SPEAKER_05

We won't burn your hair.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

We'll protect the hair.

SPEAKER_02

No beats No, it's too much of a risk. You wanna drive the rhino or no?

SPEAKER_05

Huh? We're gonna get worms.

SPEAKER_02

That's nasty. How do you get worms from eating hair? Yeah, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_05

Look it up.

SPEAKER_02

I'm confused.

SPEAKER_03

Hold on, I'm talking about like that. It's not a worm. Can you get worms from eating your hair? I've ate my hair my whole life. No, you cannot get worms from eating your own hair. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

It's just a myth.

SPEAKER_02

So now Well is just making shit up.

SPEAKER_05

I am. Um last time I was here, somebody said you can't be too medical.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

That's true. Oh yeah. You can get worms from eating your hair. That's a fact.

SPEAKER_02

Did you know that your flip that you know your facial hair is the same type of hair as your pubes?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, you're all looking at my pubes right now. And I'm down with it. You guys like how my pubes look?

SPEAKER_05

That's why you're always rubbing his face.

SPEAKER_03

When are you rubbing my face? Well, hold on. When is he? I don't remember you rubbing my face. When is he? You sleep pretty when you're sleeping.

SPEAKER_05

He was sleeping hard.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Actually, it's really not possible. This dude is the weirdest sleeper I've ever known. Have you ever walked out while he's sleeping? And you can't find him?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Well, hold on. To be fair. Fuck, who was it? He sleeps with his blanket over his head. I saw someone. That's not even that weird. Yeah, I saw someone sleeping that way the other day. I can't remember. Who are you watching? I wasn't watching it with sleep. I just for some reason I remembered the other day, someone was sleeping and they did the same shit that I do. I was like, oh, I see, I'm not the only one. You are. If I'm cold, I sleep like that.

SPEAKER_05

Cover completely. It's wild.

SPEAKER_02

I know some other people who also sleep fully covered. I don't want to sleep and breathe in my dioxide.

SPEAKER_03

I like go and like wrap up like a bird.

SPEAKER_05

It's actually real. And then when I went out there, I was like, is he did he read? Because he's so he's so tiny, all curled up, but then he's like under it. Looks like a pile of blankets.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I know. It's weird. He's like, whenever we would like have like sleepovers back in high school, or this dude was like when we would like live together and stuff, he'd be like, okay, bro, good night.

SPEAKER_01

I'm like, where the hell did you go? Where'd you go?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it was wild. I mean, I guess it was a probably a perk for when you were a kid, you sneak out at night. Because if you put pillows underneath the blanket, it would look exactly the same.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I don't think my parents ever even noticed that I was sleeping like that, really. It's just comfortable, bro. It's like no matter what you think you're doing.

SPEAKER_02

I'm gonna talk to them.

SPEAKER_03

Sometimes I would just put a pillow over my face instead. Bring me in a Ouija board. What do we need? No. Yeah, you could try to ask her.

SPEAKER_02

I've only met your mom once. My lizard tried to eat her finger.

SPEAKER_03

I vaguely remember that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. She was probably drunk. It was the apartment on Dobson. She was drunk. Okay.

SPEAKER_03

I actually had to yell at her because she got in my car with a fucking open bottle of vodka. And I'm like, Mom, we I I we're in Arizona. I get it that you just flew down. Or no, it wasn't vodka. It was Jaeger. An open bottle of Jaeger. Gross. I know. And I'm like, Mom, you gotta, you gotta either finish that bottle now and throw it out or leave it at home. I I you I am barely 19. You are in a car with me with an open container in Arizona. This is no, I will be fucked.

SPEAKER_02

You know, we like to be very responsible with our drinking with responsible adults. I waited till I was 21 to drink and drive. Well I've only ever had my first sip of alcohol at the age of 21 in a day, just in case, you know.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I I never I never drank half a bottle of vodka when I was 17 and got so sick that I missed school for three days. Never and never drank again for a year and a half, and definitely never gagged every time I worked at a cell phone repair store and had to use the routing out. Oh well. Oh, it was horrible. I would be like, let me clean the screen square square.

SPEAKER_02

Sure, that was attractive. Dude, you like the most fruitiest things ever.

SPEAKER_00

He's like, oh, what kind of juice and different flavor mixers can we put in my alcohol drink?

SPEAKER_03

Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

My raspberry and my chocolate chip muffins and my zebra cakes.

SPEAKER_03

Tell you what, to be like, you can enjoy your bush light if you want.

SPEAKER_04

Go ahead. Enjoy your bush light filler time. Enjoy your fridge full of bush light.

SPEAKER_02

See, you need to go to actual bars or places so you can try actual cocktails, then your weird ass concoctions.

SPEAKER_05

The sad thing you can do. My weird ass concoctions are fucking great. Also serve the fruity concoctions. So and even then, my mystery.

SPEAKER_02

Which I understand that, but like drink regular fruity concoctions. Mine are. This dude's like, oh, they have an apple monster. Let me try that. In my Malibu and pineapple and no, I didn't try the apple doesn't go with tropical fruit.

SPEAKER_03

And I didn't even do it with that. It was the apple monster and whiskey.

SPEAKER_04

Oh, that sounds awful.

SPEAKER_03

Sounded good.

SPEAKER_04

It sounds awful.

SPEAKER_03

Apple cider.

SPEAKER_04

Was it delicious?

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_04

Okay then.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, apple cider mixed with uh whiskey sounds good in theory to me.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, but it has to be warm.

SPEAKER_03

No.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Have you ever had it warm?

unknown

No.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, then you don't know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, I do. Warm apple cider. I'm a man. I'm a man. So yes, that's a man's drink.

SPEAKER_05

So man up. It's warm apple cider with uh a little whiskey.

SPEAKER_02

You know, I won't be that mean.

SPEAKER_05

Thank you. I'm just saying this winner you should try it.

SPEAKER_02

She already finished her sentence. And we're gonna go ahead and get on into the drink of the week.

SPEAKER_05

Welcome to the drink of the week with Lola. This week we're going to do a it's a lemonade paradise. So we're going to start out with we have one ounce of coconut rum. It's just a real cheap and easy drink that you can make this summer. And it'll be pretty refreshing. That's actually really good. All right, please like, subscribe, comment, and let's get back to the show.

SPEAKER_00

And we're back.

SPEAKER_02

This one's perfect for Julian. I like that. I knew that was coming up. Oh, good. So good. Yeah. So are you. So am I. So are you. I'm glad we agree. How's your vision, Julian? Are you supposed to be wearing glasses? I I should be. I'm cross-eyed. Oh yeah, I forgot you told me. I have a lazy eye.

SPEAKER_05

We know this. We can see it.

SPEAKER_02

See, and I never knew that. There's a lot of things that I never noticed about Julian.

SPEAKER_05

It was very apparent. First time I met him is I was like this.

SPEAKER_03

You know what's funny? The ex that I never shut the fuck up about. Oh god. She didn't even know I had a lazy eye. And I and I had to sit back and be like, what the fuck do you mean you didn't know? Like it's in every single photo I'm in, it's in it. Every time you talk to me in person, if I start To get a little study, start to see where you just go. So will the glasses fix that? How does that work? Semi.

SPEAKER_05

A little bit. It'll help the muscles not have to.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Basically, it makes it so I don't know exactly. Basically, the muscle is not as strong as it should be, is my understanding of it. So glasses, when they help readjust the uh, you know, the focal or or you know, your you're doing great. What is it called when they change it like with the focal to make it so it's magnified or zoom out?

SPEAKER_05

It what it does is it makes your eyes focus so they work together so the muscles don't have to have to work as hard. Yes, they don't have to work as hard. So then they can kind of stay in the position they're supposed to be in, versus a weak muscle that isn't really doing its job that goes.

SPEAKER_02

See, I can't see anything at night. Like at all.

SPEAKER_03

Can you see the lazy?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, your wife has you drive everywhere at night, which is wild.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I would ride the motorcycle with the sunshade.

SPEAKER_03

I can't see at night or during the day. It kind of sucks. Yeah. During the day because of my blue eyes, the sun glare is so strong that I can't hardly like see at the smith the whole time. Like the I drive basically with one eye open. Like 90% of the time, I drive like this. That's a real thing. Yeah, and other problems. And apparently it's a really common thing, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Where would you want to travel to outside the United States? Like, I don't know where.

SPEAKER_03

Um I don't think we've ever talked about this. Germany. Yeah. Yeah. Germany, Sweden, Japan, or Ireland. Maybe Ireland. Ireland would be amazing. I'm not that interested in Ireland because how cool can a country be if half of its people almost died because they couldn't eat potatoes anymore when they lived next to an ocean of fish. Okay. Okay. It's for one, you're telling me they didn't catch fish and eat the fish, and they didn't catch fish and use the fish as fertilizer for the potatoes that weren't growing. Okay. Sorry. Ireland kind of pisses me off. Grease in there. It's not that cool. What about Israel? Would you want to go there? I just know you're talking at Benjamin Netanyahu behind my back. I just know and I can't prove it. No. You know, I have a signed jersey from him.

SPEAKER_02

I will kill you. See, and this is the problem in our society. They just want us divided. Yeah. Okay. And killing is not the answer. What do you think about annoying people? I love to annoy people. No, what do you think about people in your life or acquaintances that annoy you? How do you deal with that? I will say one thing about annoying people.

SPEAKER_03

As annoying as they are, memorable. That is true. You won't forget about them because it's like, you annoyed me. Yeah, but it's like. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

At least you weren't some boring ass schmuck, I guess. What do you think makes them annoying? Maybe they just didn't get enough attention as a child. Or did they get too much attention?

SPEAKER_05

Well, what kind of annoying are we talking about? Because there's good annoying and then there's not as bad annoying. And I don't know how to say it.

SPEAKER_02

What's good annoying?

SPEAKER_04

Well, I can name Drop Julian.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you can name drop Julian.

SPEAKER_05

Julian's a good annoying. He's annoying as fuck.

SPEAKER_02

At times.

SPEAKER_04

But he's also like very aware.

SPEAKER_03

I'm on the You are not aware.

SPEAKER_04

I would, I would anybody brings it up to you like, well.

SPEAKER_05

No, I disagree. I would say he is definitely aware. There have been other people that were 100% not aware of how annoying they are.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. When I'm annoying, it's because I kind of want to be annoying. Because I think it's fucking hilarious.

SPEAKER_02

At least to try to find excuses.

SPEAKER_03

It's I mean, yes, because it's fucking hilarious to me.

SPEAKER_05

Here's the difference, too. When someone is annoying, let's say Julian, and we can tell him, damn, you're being annoying. And he really thinks about it and takes that shit in and realizes, yeah, he's annoying.

SPEAKER_02

Then maybe when he annoys me, I need to tell you to tell him. Because he doesn't do it to me. I will cry.

SPEAKER_05

He does cry in the privacy of his home.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I will cry. Call me annoying. I w I will cry.

SPEAKER_02

When was the last time you had a good cry? Right now. Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Why?

SPEAKER_04

No, wait, wait, do that again. Do it again. You have to do that again.

SPEAKER_03

Why can't oh wrong?

SPEAKER_02

I just want you that's not very attractive.

SPEAKER_04

No, why is it so accurate to a crying baby? Like you're oh my god, you're gonna be the guy that lures people into crying babies.

SPEAKER_00

Do you like pizza? Is there a cat crying dying over there?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Come help it.

SPEAKER_04

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, no, I learned I could do that because I used to meow like a cat for fun sometimes to fuck with people. Do your do your best cat in heat.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, is it is that no in heat. I I agree. That was pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you for joining us this week on the Drunk Cactide Podcast. I'm your host, Riley Purser, joined here today with Julian. And Loa.

SPEAKER_05

Hi everyone. Bye.

SPEAKER_02

Please don't subscribe.

SPEAKER_05

Please do.

SPEAKER_03

Don't like, comment, cry.

SPEAKER_02

For you, Paige.

SPEAKER_05

Please message.

SPEAKER_03

Netflix. Riverdale.

SPEAKER_02

Every Wednesday, Arizona time, usually 3 p.m. Outer Banks, season seven. Oh, it's coming up. Very excited. And we're out of here. Bye.