18. Raw Dogging Life & Money Capacity

The most common money advice sounds responsible, but it can quietly train you to live in scarcity: cut the latte, stop buying clothes, restrict harder, repeat. We go after the deeper truth that usually gets skipped: spending is often a search for a feeling, and budgeting without emotional awareness can turn into a shame cycle that costs you more in the long run.

I break down three separate skills that change everything in your personal finance psychology: saving money, spending money, and having money. “Having” is the one most of us were never taught. We talk about money capacity, why extra cash can feel like it’s “burning a hole in your pocket,” and how your first impulses reveal your values. I also share a simple but confronting exercise: imagine winning $100 million and notice what you’d do immediately. The point isn’t judgment, it’s clarity.

Then we take it further with “raw dogging life,” my phrase for reducing the substances and distractions we use to avoid discomfort. When you stop numbing, you can finally hear your intuition and meet the real need underneath the impulse, whether that impulse looks like overspending, overeating, overdrinking, doom scrolling, or overworking. We also cover a practical tool for values-based spending to separate true desire from emotional avoidance.

If you want more grounded money mindset, emotional regulation tools, and a values-led way to build wealth, subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one “should” around money you’re ready to unsubscribe from?

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Transcript

Money Beliefs And Raw Dogging

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We're going to talk about some controversial issues that I see in the world and widely accepted ideas about money, the capacity to have it. And I'm also going to talk about this idea that I have about raw dogging life, because I really do think that it creates a life where you are so strongly in tune with how you feel and what's right for you. And I'm going to share some specific examples that I've been using in my life. But really being without substances is going to help you stay really crystal clear on your own intuition.

Magnetic Mindset Show Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Welcome to the Magnetic Mindset podcast where spirituality, psychology, and philosophy meet to make you your most magnetic self. If you feel like you have achieved success on paper, but are craving a deeper meaning and a life that feels alive, keep listening. This show is hosted by me, your coach, Holly Pendergast. Let's get into

The Budgeting Advice She Rejects

SPEAKER_00 0:51

it. So this is coming up because I've been going to a few mindset-like conferences or women-led business conferences and masterminds. And what I've heard over and over and over is this idea that, you know, you just need to learn how to save money better. And although, yes, that is a skill, and I'm extremely good at it, because you know, I do love thrifting, I do love finding a deal. I like, I really love finding the deal. I think it's an art. And I think it is, I'm going to talk about this later, but capacity to keep your money and have your money. But the wisdom that is spread across most platforms is this generic information about just stop buying the coffee, just stop buying clothes, just stop the impulse, clothes, clothing buying. And then what they recommend directly after, because people are like, but how do you do that? And I totally get that because all of those actions come from a feeling that you want to have. Like you want to feel a little dopamine, you want to feel a little excitement. And believe you me, I understand this fully. I used to be a sugar addict and I went off sugar and flour, and I have understood my addiction to sugar and sweets. So what I'm hearing, so this is a part of the raw dogging, but I will come back to that. But um, I say rob dogging so casually. So when I hear this about money, it's like make sure you're just budgeting perfectly. And to be clear, this is a part of my belief system. And this is why I have shattered so many paradigms in my own life and why I also, when I share with clients, ways to shatter their own paradigms that don't work anymore. It's like if you save more, you will be able to win the system in a way that has you keeping money. And that's the advice that's given. But that's not how it actually works. If you can hold the two of yes, you can save money and yes, you can spend money, and you can have money. Okay, there's having of money, saving of money, and spending of money, all completely different things. And we're going to dive into it today. But what I hear across these platforms and the general consensus is have a budget and focus on saving more of the money that you have. Rather than, hey, let's get really familiar and intimate with the money you have and why you're spending it, where is it going? Definitely that awareness is essential. But it's not really brought into the conversation a lot to figure out a way to make more money. And that's a place that I think a lot of us shy away from because that requires a whole different set of emotions. That requires not just looking at the money and understanding, okay, how much debt do I have, or how much am I overspending, or what's impulse buying, what's needs versus wants, blah, blah, blah. But rather, how would I need to expand in order to create and generate either value that I can exchange for money, like an offer in your business where you're offering something of valuable that somebody else wants, or what do I want to sell that is in my life that I don't actually appreciate? And people will say this in a way that's like, you need to cancel your extra subscriptions. And you're, yes, you should know where you are leaking money. And I define leaking money as money that you don't know that you're spending, that you don't value. Okay. If you had a leak in your gas tank in your car, that would be a big problem, right? Because you're leaking fuel that you number one pay for.

Money Leaks And Energy Leaks

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Number two, it's bad to leak gas onto, you know what I mean? So where are you leaking money? And I ask you too, where energetically are you leaking energy? What energy are you spending right now that is an energy leak? Are you checking your bank account 17 times a day? Even five, you know, even four. You know, where are you utilizing energy that could be used instead to generate more money? And that way the budget isn't something that's based completely on restriction. And restriction is something that we use out of scarcity. And notice the difference between the connotation around restriction and a boundary that's made for you with it with love in mind, with I want my future self to have more money, so I'm not going to spend it. That is so different than I need to deprive myself and restrict myself of this pleasure that I would get from buying this thing and do without in that way. Now, of course, use your discernment. If you do not want to be spending that money because you'd rather have the money or make more money, don't spend it. That's your work then. If you are living on the dopamine that you would get from buying a thing that you don't need, that is a whole different kind of issue that I'm not talking about right now. But what I'm hearing is these successful women or women who have money, or even if your partner is making the money, that is your money too. So I want you to just tap in and continue to ask yourself is this energy used to expand who I want to become? Or expand myself now to become the person that I

When Spending Creates More Value

SPEAKER_00 6:00

want to become? Because we can get lost in the weeds and we're given this advice, right? Like just stop buying the latte. But if the latte is the caffeine that gives you the brilliant ideas at the coffee shop to generate more money, that $7 latte might be way more valuable to you than depriving yourself of the latte, not having the energy, not having the beautiful environment of the coffee shop that inspires you and gets you out into the world where people are, because people exchange money. The only way you get paid is because people are deciding to exchange currency. Okay, if you're not inspired by the architecture, the beauty of a croissant that you're seeing, or the outfit that you're seeing somebody wear, or that new connection that you made. That is all such valuable, that is such a valuable experience to you that if you're trying to cut the latte, you're it's actually much more expensive to cut the latte than it is to go out and have yourself an experience where you're inspired, creating new ideas and meeting new people. I also hear this with clothes. And this is a trope that is so boring to me at this point. I just massively roll my eyes as soon as I hear a woman tell another woman not to buy clothes and to just cut back on spending on clothes. Okay. And again, have discernment. If you are buying $5,000 bags every other week or every week, whatever, that's a different kind of addiction. Okay. And we're gonna talk about that too. But when I hear this, I just buy clothes that you're gonna wear a lot and are really good and make sure you buy them on clearance. And listen, I am somebody who loves thrifting, high quality goods. I'm talking 100% cotton, 100% silk, 100% wool, cashmere, like beautiful things. And I'm picky about what I bring into my house and I'm picky about what I buy and why am I gonna get good wear out of it? But also, do I love it? Does this piece of clothing make me feel so hot when I put it on my body? Do I feel the feeling I want to feel? Is it luxury? Is it feeling pampered? Is it feeling chic? Is it feeling sexy? Am I feeling cozy? Whatever the desired feeling I want to have is in collaboration with that clothing item that I put on my body. And it's not just like having it up on a hanger. It's not just, oh, I bought this because it's this brand and it's on a hanger sitting in my closet. That gives me no dopamine. If it's in my closet and it's I'm not utilizing it, I'm not wearing it, it might as well be dead to me. I might as well not have it, it might as well not have ever introduced it into my life. The only way it actually gives me value is if I activate the clothing by putting it on my body. And when I put it on my body and I'm seeing myself in this piece of clothing, and I'm loving it, I'm feeling myself, the value of that item increasingly, exponentially elevates because of the power that me and the clothing are putting into each other that creates a whole new vibration. I'm up-leveling my vibration, I'm up-leveling how I'm feeling. That is what gives me the extra oomph and the magnetism that I want to be feeling on a daily basis so that I can generate more money. Now, if you're focusing on, okay, I need to not spend more money because if I spend more money, then I will have less money in my budget. So I shouldn't buy this activating piece of clothing that makes me feel so good about myself. That is something I want you to stop, drop, and let it decay into the earth. That belief system is gonna help you feel more scarcity. And when you're feeling more scarcity and you're not feeling good in your clothes, and you're not feeling good in your body, you're not feeling good about yourself, your identity, your self-esteem plummets. Okay. And when your self-esteem plummets, you do want to go be social. You do not want to go meet new people, you do not create more opportunities because your energy becomes repulsive. It becomes a little stinky, like, ew, I don't want those. Get away from that person, that person. I can tell in their body language when they don't like themselves. I can tell in the way they people please, in the tone of their voice, in the way that they're trying so hard to make a connection, but their energy isn't quite right. It's like they got this like doom cloud over their head, is how it feels when I see it. And I just I have so much compassion for them because I was that and I totally can see it now, now that I'm out of it. Now that I have a different perspective, I'm like, oh, I see them, I feel them, I can see that they're uncomfortable in their body or their clothes, or how they've been able to express themselves. Or if they are expressing themselves, wearing what they think they should wear to look the way they think they should look. And this could be a suit, this could be loafers, it could be flats, it could be heels, it could be so many different things. But I can tell in the way somebody moves and how they walk and how they speak and how they introduce themselves, how they are thinking and feeling about themselves. And not only that, and as I say this, you're probably like, mm-hmm, yeah, I could totally see it too, but recognize that you are giving off this too to the people that you are meeting because how you think and feel and what you're wearing is telling people is an outward projection, right? Everything's internal first. You have the thoughts, feelings, and then you put it on your body and it becomes an external expression. And that's what other people are observing and absorbing from you, whether you like it or not. And yes, we say things like, don't judge a book by its cover, but our human brains do this to a fault. We have not evolved out of this uh categorization of who someone is or not. And I don't think it's actually necessary to do that because our brains always taking in new information. Is this person safe? Is this person my comfort zone? Is this person fun? Is this person somebody that's modeling something that I want and I want to get to know them and I feel drawn to them and I want to introduce myself and ask them their name and what do they do? You have that power. You're actually already doing it. Whether you like it or not, you are either attracted to a certain kind of person or being a certain kind of person. And I want you to kind of just give yourself an audit.

Identity Signals And Client Attraction

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Do you have the community that you want right now? Are you attracting the kind of client relationship you want right now? And if not, know that it's because of your energy. I've experiences so much in my business where I was nervous to present myself online and to market my business. And then I would attract people who were not ready to receive the actual power and wisdom that I had to offer them. So it was a mixed match of energy that didn't go well together because they were expecting a more polished or like corporate-looking person that would follow the rules and be a good girl and teach them how to be an even more excellent girl instead of a powerful woman who is non-conformist, who doesn't do the things that she's taught she should do just because she's told to do them. I have made choices in my life that represent how nonconformist I am. I don't look at what other people are doing and be like, I'll do that. I don't really look at where I should be in my life based on my age. And of course, this isn't perfect. And of course, a brainwashing runs deep and everything affects me, like my upbringing, growing up in Catholicism and my socioeconomic background and living in Los Angeles, like everything does affect me. The people that I surround myself with, if they're living a traditional life, that's gonna rub off on me. If they're an artist and they're totally doing something different, that's also gonna affect me. I am human, of course. I am permeable, but I also definitely select people that I see and purposely surround myself with them or not. I'm always looking at what does this person help me feel? What kind of energy do they give off? Is that something I want to surround myself with? Do I see an equal exchange of value, of equal vibes that I want to feel? Is this person I'm gonna heal with? Is this the person that's going to nurture me and I nurture them? Is this person that we're gonna have so much fun on the weekends with? Is this the person that I want to um go shopping with? And do they have a really great sense of style? Like these are all things that I'm extremely picky about. And I encourage you to be picky too. And I encourage you to let go of the people and the friendships that do not serve you well, and not only that, but the belief systems that have kept you there. So anything that you're feeling out of obligation, out of should, out of, well, my family has taught me this. Well, I paid for my degree, and my degree says I should do this because the school gave me this categorization of how I should budget my life. Okay. So this is again coming back to the money conversation that we're having right now is around spending, and they give you all these percentages, right? Like you need to say this much percentage, and then this much goes into needs, and this much goes into housing. But if you don't want to live a traditional life, those rules don't apply to you. And you get to make your own system, your own way of living, and divide up your money how you want to, based on your values. What do you actually value? Maybe you're somebody who spends way more money on coffee than somebody who doesn't drink coffee. Okay, let that be fine. Let it be okay and give yourself permission to disregard rules that don't apply to you, belief systems that don't apply to

Unsubscribing From Other People’s Rules

SPEAKER_00 15:40

you. I will be in conversation with people and they will just nonchalantly say something like, You can't just be this age and be living like this. And I actively sometimes I say it to their face, sometimes I don't, but I'm actively like unsubscribe, unsubscribe to that belief system, or I will actively say that doesn't apply to me. And sometimes it triggers people. And you can start small if this is something that you're working on and do it daily. Finding good parking in Los Angeles, I am excellent at manifesting parking. Okay, I just did this with a friend. We were at the beach and we were right about to approach PCH and we were like right there. And um, she was like, Okay, you're gonna want to do this because we're gonna turn here and parking's gonna be hard. And I was like, nope, I manifest parking so easily. Right then and there, I see a car turn on their reverse lights, and I'm like, see? And I just reverse one car back. They pull out, I pull into this excellent parking spot, and guess what? It was free because the meters were broken. So I had a free day of parking, manifested it right there on the beach, and this happens to me all the time. And actually, the more I say it, because I used to be shy about saying it and just believe it secretly and silently, the more I say it, the easier and faster it occurs to me. So I will have a thought to like, I wanna, I want that, I want my mess up, I want to bring somebody in my life who's actually like really funny. I've been missing like having people who are really hilarious in my life. And I would like that. And then boom, I will meet somebody that is super funny, or I'll find somebody, even social media accounts. I'll find somebody like, oh my God, this tickles the itch that I needed to enjoy this kind of laughter that I've been missing in my life.

Capacity To Have Money

SPEAKER_00 17:22

Okay, so you need to actively use this with money too. Is there somebody in your life that's extra spendy and you're working on your capacity to have money without the burn in your pocket? You know how they say, um, this money is burning a hole in my pocket. It's like this money wants to go somewhere, wants to like, I want to buy something. And really, that's repelling money because you are sending it out unintentionally. It's not that you want something and you're like, oh my God, I would treasure this. This would bring me so much pleasure and joy, or this service would really help my life. This meal planning service would really help me like take dinner off of my to-do list every day. That's totally different. What I'm talking about is capacity to have the money. Having of the money is a skill. Think about holding sand in your hand, right? There's capacity to drop the sand, there's capacity to blow the sand out of your hand, there's capacity to squeeze the sand, and then the sand will slide through your fingers, right? But then there's the capacity to hold the sand in your palm and not only have it in one palm, but hold sand in two palms. That's double the sand. Okay. If you want to have double the money in your savings account, in your investments, whatever it is, and this is why it's sometimes so hard for us to receive more money. Like if a client's like, actually, I want your bigger package, or can we do this? I'll pay you twice as much. Or if somebody gifts you something and it feels really hard to receive it and to have it, to hold it, this is your capacity work. This isn't something that will happen overnight. And it takes acknowledgement and it takes actually expanding your ability to have it and delay your response to it. So delay your response to want to spend it or put it somewhere, or even the immediate urge to save and put it away from you, that's not having capacity to have money because you're putting it somewhere else immediately. Get it away from me because you don't trust yourself to have it to hold it and treat it responsibly. An extreme example is winning the lottery, because when you win the lottery, you don't change the person you are, you just increase the circumstance of how many dollars you have in your account or the points, basically, right? Money is points, it's uh and it fluctuates it fluctuates, right, with um inflation and the value

The Lottery Question That Exposes Values

SPEAKER_00 19:40

changes. When you win the lottery, okay. If I want you to ask yourself this question, if I won the lottery, if I won a hundred million dollars today, what would I do with it? What are the first feelings that come up? What are the first ideas that come up? Is it uh I would immediately go by a boat? I would immediately like pay off all my college debt, or I would give it to my parents, or I would, what would you do? I want you to like really identify what would you do and actually pen and paper, write out, okay, what would I do with this hundred million dollars? Would you split it up and be like, okay, some of it is gonna go here, some of it's going to a college fund for my kids, some of it will go to a new car or like where and what is your plan for this new money that has come into your life? Doing that alone will show you number one, your current values, and you get to re-decide, hmm, do I like these values? Are these values serving me the best? And especially if you have if you spend a lot, you might have judgment of how you're spending, for example, and you might have a lot of shame, like, oh my God, this money would go away like faster than I could let it land in my bank account. Like I would already give it a job. And I want you to stay with that part of you that has shame about how you would spend it, for example. Or maybe you're somebody who's like, oh my God, yes, you are a scarcity leaning person, and you're like, I would put it immediately into this account and I would I I know the first thing I would do. I would call my financial advisor and be like, okay, since I'm not used to having $100 million, what are the 25 ways I can handle this money? You know, I would ask how much goes to taxes? Okay, let's remove that. Okay, is this something that's released monthly, yearly? Is this something that's one lump sum? What are the pros and cons to doing it each way? I would say, you know, what's the best way to put this into my future, or maybe generational wealth, or making sure that I can set myself up in a way that would have me living a nice life. And how much can I put away for travel, for example, or there's so Many things I would think of to ask that I know I don't even know all the questions that ask to get me the best value aligned answer. So I would ask an expert, hey, what do you know about handling this much money? Because I haven't done that before. So those are the things that I would come up with. But again, I don't want you to judge yourself around what you would do with that money. If you're like, oh, I know immediately I would buy the biggest house with the three pools, and there's a pool and there's the jacuzzi in my master bedroom, whatever it is. Okay. Doesn't matter how you come to the conclusion of exposing your values to yourself, but I want you to really look at it. Okay. That's going to show you where your capacity to have lies. Where does that lie for you? How much are you willing to have without giving it something to do?

The Cookie Trap And Habit Swaps

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Another thing that I hear is when I'm hearing money being taught, especially to women, is instead of buying stuff, and you want dopamine, right? So instead, what you're going to do is, you know what, you're going to distract yourself. That's the first red flag. Distract yourself and go get a cookie. Go eat a cookie instead of spending the money, something that gives you warmth, something that gives you joy, or go give somebody a hug. And I'm like, yes, cookies are great. Yes, relationships are great. But if you decide to create a new habit to solve the old habit, let's say you are overspending, and overspending is just spending more than you would like to. There's no actual number that decides if you're overspending or underspending. It is only based on what you value. Okay. There's also under-earning. And under-earning money is just simply earning less than you would like to earn, money-wise. Okay. So that's my definition of those things. But let's say this advice is given to you. Okay, every time you want to buy a new pair of shoes, instead of doing that, you're going to save your money and you're going to eat a cookie instead. Guess what you're going to have now? You're going to have a cookie habit. And then when you have a cookie habit, you're going to get more cavities. Cavities cost you money at the dentist. Or you're going to eat so many cookies that you're going to gain a little bit of weight. And then what happens when you gain a little bit of weight? You're going to need new pants. And what do you need to do to buy new pants? You need to go shopping. So you're back at square one and you end up in this like infinite eight kind of spiral where you are starting at a problem, trying to replace it with a different problem. That's like saying instead of having alcohol, take up cigarettes. Okay. It will, instead of having a cigarette, have a glass of wine. Okay. It's the same kind of thing, except for cookies, sounds a little bit less harmful, right? And listen, I understand in actual really deep addictions that are affecting if you're going to live or die. Sometimes you need to jump from, okay, I am over drinking. I'm going to drink myself to death. So I'm going to take up cookies instead. And that's a less harmful addiction that is going to give you that stepping stone. Listen, sometimes that is essential. That's not what I'm talking about. And that's not who I'm talking to right now. Sometimes that's the best you got. And if that's the best you got, all the power to you, keep on munching on those cookies. Okay. But eventually you're going to need to get off of cookies, right? And you're going to need to bring yourself back down to okay, why am I needing this dopamine? Why am I needing to distract myself? And that is where I come into this idea of raw dogging life.

Raw Dogging Life Defined

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Raw dogging life to me is simply not having substances to cover up the feelings that you're wanting to avoid. And this might sound pretty extreme to you. And I've had taken this a little bit too extreme. And I found myself coming back to a more balanced way of living because I'm kind of an extreme person. I got to jump into the deep end and see what happens. And then I figure out, okay, that's a little bit too hard, too fast. That's how I personally learn. And I'm not saying that you need to live this way. And I'm not saying that you should not be on things like antidepressants that might be saving your life right now. Okay. Hear me when I say that. Listen, obviously, I'm not a doctor. Obviously, I'm not giving you medical advice. Obviously, I'm not telling you what to do. I am sharing a skill that might increase your quality of life, might help you be with your feelings enough to understand where they come from, how they're playing out in your life, so that you can heal them and you no longer need to act out that habit that you think is serving you. Because if you don't have the pain, you don't have the symptom of the pain that's causing you some chaos in your life. So we're healing at the root here. And when you heal at the root, you no longer have to keep putting the bandage over the broken bone that's bleeding everywhere. Okay. You we're not just like replacing the bandage and figuring out how to bleed less. We're looking at why are you bleeding? Let's solve this broken bone by having some surgery. And yes, it might hurt sometimes still in the future, but it won't nearly be creating as much chaos as it is right now. If you want a raw dog life with me, amazing. I'm pretty much raw dogging life right now. I'm not on any substances. I drink very modestly, socially, very infrequently, and I don't need it. That's the thing that I have loved around about being around people who are completely sober, is they know I've tried that. That demon is within me. So I don't drink. Okay. And these people that don't drink, sometimes they're on energy drinks or something that gets them a little bit, you know, excited about life. And sometimes that's the best you got, and that's amazing. Okay. Again, I'm not telling anybody what to do here, but I've noticed people who are completely sober don't need or crave the escape from their life because they're used to being with the demons and have made friends with them in a way that's peaceful and that can coexist. And these people can be with themselves in the present moment. They could admire the simple things in life that everybody who's dying says, you know, the big things are the little things. I'm imagining an 80-year-old grandma, right? Who's like, the big things are the little things. And yes, they absolutely are. And if you're numbing and your nervous system is hijacked by substances, man-made or drugs or alcohol, it's really hard to be in that moment where you are appreciating the little things, the sun on your skin, the sound of the waves, or the smell of coffee, right? But really being with yourself and being able to be in silence without needing the distraction of constant white noise of TV, or like always having music on, or always like picking up the phone to distract yourself, or have different apps that you use, right? Social media, of course, is a pacifier for so many of our emotions. And again, am I perfect? Absolutely fucking not. Do I doom scroll? Absolutely. It's something that's in our life, and yes, it's detrimental. And I want to encourage you to also have the skills to be with yourself and self-soothe those feelings that feel really hard to not act upon.

Boredom As A Real Signal

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Even boredom, okay. Boredom is something we want to like, oh, I want to do something else. Oh, I want to like watch something else to solve and cure the boredom. When really the boredom might be space in your life for a new hobby, for a new friendship that wants to emerge in your life. It's here to show you something and to start learning how to sew or something. That's me right now. I'm in a place where I'm like, okay, I have a little bit extra time. What do I want to do with this time? I kind of feel the urge to go to a sewing class or something. And I know that I have time where I am doom scrolling that I could actually put that in my calendar. Okay. There's being on a plane, no Wi-Fi. What are you going to do? Is looking out the window so bad? Is being with yourself so bad? Is writing with pen and paper so bad? Right? Can you be with yourself without the substances or awkward, feeling awkward at a social event or a networking event? I know that I can go somewhere and be at dinner with strangers, talk to somebody with no alcohol. And I'm so grateful for that skill that I have. And it's a habit that is so common, and so many people drink. And I'm not saying that I won't ever drink hello, don't be in black or white mentality paradigm shifting, is what we're talking about totally. Okay, so do not put me on a pedestal if you're wanting to do that, based on what I'm saying. What I am saying is I'm proud of the fact, I'm proud of past me, who started in yoga, in meditation, of like observing my thoughts, just starting with the practice. Like, okay, here's one hour class. I won't have my phone. It's just me and the poses and the yoga listening to the yoga teacher and being with myself and feeling my body. What am I thinking? What's coming up for me right now? That skill has significantly helped me in every area of my life, just observing my thoughts, right? And it led me to the coaching world where the entire point is to observe your thoughts and understand what are they creating in your life? How are your thoughts and beliefs manifesting into things, into relationships, into money or not money? The reason most people want to avoid their feelings and instead do something else, such as alcohol, such as overeating or overspending or porn or whatever escape you're going to is because they're avoiding something in themselves that's coming up. And usually things are coming up for a reason: either to look at it or to release it or to understand it

Inner Child Needs And Self-Soothing

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better. Or sometimes this is your inner child just asking for attention. And what do children do? They have big feelings all the time, constantly. They have needs, they have questions, they have desires, they want things from adults, right? Because they're little and they're kids. Your inner child is still living within you. So most of the time when we are sober, we're awkward. Whatever it is happening in that uncomfortable moment, it's our inner child saying, Hey, what do we do? Hey, what are we supposed to be doing, right? Mom, when are we gonna go home? Right? It's that same kind of feeling, except you're the mom and the child at the same time. So how you handle her is gonna decide what you do next. If inner child you is like, I want candy right now, right? And the candy could be the shopping, the candy could be the actual candy, it could be the cookies, it could be the drink, it could be relationships, all these things that we can get connected and addicted to, either capital A addicted or lowercase addicted. That's your inner child asking for something, a need that is unmet. And what it usually needs is something very simple. It's usually like, oh, we're actually thirsty for water. Actually, we need to eat a meal that's satiating. Actually, we need a little time out and we need to get destimulated because we're feeling a little overstimulated. So maybe we need a 20-minute nap. Okay. Or it's I need to cry. I need to have a huge, ridiculous tantrum right now and just fucking cry. Okay. Your inner child just needs to release the energy because it doesn't know what to do with it. And as adults, we are taught you need to not cry, you need to smile. Customer service, at least as a millennial, this is what I learned. Okay. And it's like, you need to smile, suck it up. You need to keep going. Even in dance, the show must go on. Oh, your foot is bleeding, get your point shoes on, you got his number to do. Like it's just very ignore your needs. And sometimes that's essential. That's a great skill to have when you're trying to survive. Absolutely. And notice and discern where am I overriding those things? And instead, telling my inner child to shut up, we got to move on, shut up, we got to distract ourselves. That I was gonna say ignoration, ignoring of your inner child. Inner child's gonna cause a mess in your mental. Okay, she's gonna make a mess in the house that is the attic of your brain. She's gonna make a mess. She's gonna make problems. She's gonna start breaking dishes, breaking dishes. Um okay, she's gonna make a mess up there if you don't pay attention to her. So the more you can stop, drop, tune in, ask your baby self, hey girl, what do you need? Oh, okay. Tell me what you really need. She's gonna probably say candy, and you're gonna be like, mmm, yeah. So since you already had a donut, since you already had chocolate today, I'm not gonna give you the lollipop because I see what you actually are having is a sugar crash, and you actually need a little nap. So let's get you into a cozy space where you could take a five minute, close your eyes, okay, get comfortable. There's always something you can give yourself in that moment. And it's your job as the observer to notice what does she actually need? Okay, now what is she demanding? She's might be demanding demanding new purse. Okay. She asked for what is she demanding? Why? Why is she demanding that? Oh, because the deeper need is this. What she actually needs is this, and giving yourself that is what eliminates the urge and the need to do something that's self-sabotaging, such as overspending, over-drinking, overeating, over-distracting, over-relationships, right? This is the thing that will have you living in a life where you have clear intuition, clear signs. The more you practice this, the better you're gonna get at it, of course. Is what do I actually need? Oh, I actually need some water. Oh, I actually need a timeout for myself. Oh, actually, I do need a loving conversation with a friend. Okay. There, it's very simple. You'll know when it's your inner child throwing a fit, when it's something like super hyper specific. And it's only that thing that can solve it. And it's very irrational. And sometimes speaking it out loud helps us be like, oh, that makes sense. That sounds like an inner child thing that she wants, she's demanding this thing so specific. It's usually grand and it's usually gonna solve everything. Like, haven't you heard a little kid negotiate that okay, if I just get this olipop, it will solve everything. Okay. Even though I've already had a donut and a chocolate bar, it's gonna solve everything if you just give me this thing. And it's like, boo, it's not. No, it won't. Buying that extra thing is not gonna solve your problem. Having one more drink is not gonna solve your problem. It never has in the past. So why would we believe it now? Okay. Negotiating is negotiating discomfort. And instead, I would offer to you to feel the discomfort instead and be with it. Be with it, love it, soothe it in the best way you can. Okay. And this is not to be telling you that you should be raw dogging life the way I am. I'm just sharing these examples with you to show you an alternative to the mainstream advice that we're given as women when it comes to things like money or what you actually need is this next thing to make yourself prettier, this extra thing that is gonna solve all your problems, that then you'll finally meet the beauty standard. No, because the beauty standard is a moving target, changes every day, every week based on which influencer is getting the most views, right? So, can you be with yourself first and then make those

The 48-Hour Rule For Desire

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decisions? And usually what I'll do if I'm like, but how do I know if I really need the purse? Because I do love the material things. And those things do bring me so much pleasure and they do help me feel the best I can feel, the vibration. Okay. What I will do is I will give myself 48 hours. Okay. If I still or give myself a time frame that's more than 24 hours, because our primitive brain, if we make decisions within 24 hours, it's very activated. The prefrontal cortex, if you're planning more than 24 hours into the future, we're activating the prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of planning goal orientation. It's very like future-loving planning and it's what separates us from animals. Animals aren't thinking long distance into the future the way humans can. That's why humans have innovated with technology and all the things. Okay. So if you really want something, it's actually a true desire, give yourself a time frame. It could be just more than 24 hours, okay? For example, with weight loss and overeating, I've done this so much with myself and with my clients too. Is if I still want the ice cream and I'm wanting really badly, I'm gonna plan it for in 24 hours. In 24 hours, if I still want it, I'm going to give it to myself. That's a true desire. I actually want it. It's not solving an emotional thing that I'm wanting to solve the emotion with the ice cream. Okay. Same thing with clothing and things that I love to buy. And usually I'll give myself like a week. Okay. If I still really love and want this in a week, I know what's meant to be. I know it's something that I truly actually desire versus it's just novel. It's just new and it spiked my delight and my interest. If I still want it in a week, that's a true desire. Then I'm going to give it to myself and giving myself permission. And that's how you know it's not depriving. I'm not depriving or restricting myself from joy. Because listen, if you have a Catholic background, you may have been taught that restricting joy and fun and play was a way to ultimately have this moral superiority that promises you a life that's better, whatever. Okay. And we'll get you into heaven. But delaying gratification and knowing not when to take it too far, right? Don't take this delayed gratification so far that you never give yourself what you want. Because listen, I have been there. I now have a better sense of discerning, okay, where is delaying gratification really serving me? And it's giving me the capacity to have this beautiful life, to have this money without having the urge to spend it. And sometimes this takes longer than you think. So if this is something you want to work on, I have personally gone through the throes of it and I have coached thousands of people on these same concepts of what is for me? What is something that I've been taught is a desire for me? And what are desires that are coming out of distracting myself? How am I self-pacifying with things that aren't serving me, such as the addictions that I mentioned before, like overeating, overspending, overdrinking, all those things that you know aren't serving you? This could be also overworking. I forgot to mention that one. Overworking is another huge, they call it workaholics, right? Are you distracting yourself with work to avoid maybe your significant other? And why is that? Are you avoiding intimacy, right? Or I have an amazing family gathering and I decided to work on that day because it's a really great excuse to not have to face my sibling issue, whatever,

Coaching Invite And Next Steps

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right? So if this is something you want to work on, one-to-one coaching would be the best place to process some of this with me. I recommend signing up for a free consultation. We can talk about what you're what's been coming up for you, what resonated with you, maybe in this podcast or habits you've been recognizing, and we could talk about what it would look like to work together. That's exactly why I have this one-to-one container for either three or six months, because it takes trial and error. It takes, I tried this and I failed, and then I failed again, and then I got a win. And then I had capacity to have, and I was able to have more money without or really understand the urge to spend it, for example. And these are all things that come up in our daily life, but week after week is where it's at. And that's why I offer longer-term one-to-one coaching. So start with a consult. The link is in the description, and I will see you there. So we covered capacity to have deconstructed some money beliefs that are actually more constricting, that will cost you more money. That's common advice in our world. We talked about impulse, shopping, overeating, over-drinking, those kinds of things, and being with your feelings and your inner child. Rawdogging life is something I highly recommend that you move towards in your life because, again, it's going to remove those things that distract you from your intuition. The clearer you are from distractions, the clearer you're going to hear your own intuition and it will guide you to what's next, clearer, faster, with less confusion, and to lead a more aligned life where your decisions feel like they're yours. This is how I live on a daily basis. This is what I do with my clients. And I want this for you too. So start with a console and I'll see you there. Thanks

Follow Share And Final Wrap

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for listening. And if you've enjoyed today's episode, hit the plus sign at the top of this podcast to follow the show and share an episode with a friend. For a daily touch point, follow me on Instagram at coach.with.holly or TikTok at coachwithholly. For more resources and offers, visit coachwithholly.com. And if you want to get coached by me, book a consult so we could talk about working together. Use a link in my podcast description below. Talk soon.