Perspective: The Story You Thought Was True… Isn’t the Whole Story

This episode came from a real moment this morning—one of those where something shifts inside and just clicks.

What started as a few negative thoughts led me back to childhood memories I didn’t realize were still shaping how I see myself today.

In this episode, we talk about perspective—how the past can quietly define our present, why our nervous system holds onto old stories, and how to expand your view without dismissing your pain.

Because yes… you were hurt.

But that’s not the whole story.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello. So good to have you back. So this episode wasn't necessarily planned. Some of my episodes are, some of them are not. Sometimes, if you listen closely, you might be able to tell which ones are and which ones aren't. Let me put it that way, is coming from a moment this morning. One of those moments where something really shifts on the inside. And you can feel it, just like maybe something clicking into place, right? And I just realized like this is what I need to talk about. I actually had a different podcast planned for today, and this one trumped it just because it was fresh and it's what I needed to talk about today. So I'm going to take you to that moment with me. All right. So this morning I woke up feeling kind of off, not terrible, not like I was in a crisis or anything, but just kind of low and off. I don't know how else to explain it, you know. It's kind of that feeling where your energy is a little heavier, your thoughts are a little bit harsher. I wasn't being very kind to myself this morning. And then you can kind of tell that something is there, but you can't name it just yet, right? I like that feeling just bubbling up. And I noticed that some thoughts coming in were not very kind. They weren't supportive. They were subtle, but pretty familiar. And instead of pushing them away, I slowed down. I I also yesterday had a reminder of oh, when you're trying to manifest things in your life, but you have negative thoughts about yourself, then it's really hard to do because they contradict each other. And I was so that was fresh in my mind this morning too. So that was helpful as in, oh, wait a second, there's stuff that I need to clear, right? So it told me I need to just spend some time on this. So I started doing a little bit of EMDR on myself, but just a little bit of tapping, trying to move whatever was there through my system. A lot of times I just kind of tap my shoulders bilaterally a little bit and then take a deep breath and just kind of help move whatever energy is in is held, right? So I start focusing on where that energy is. And then I just asked myself, where is this coming from? I don't understand. I've worked so hard on myself to be kind to myself, to love myself, to have all of these positive feelings, right? Towards myself. And I got the answer almost instantly. A bunch of images just started coming up. And they weren't random, they weren't vague, they were specific, they were clear, they were emotional. It was third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade. And all of a sudden, I was right back there. So when we moved to Paraguay, my siblings and I were homeschooled for about a year, or that's what my parents said that we were doing. And then through some of some of my connections, I guess, my siblings were able to go to an American school, but there was no room for me. So they went together, but I didn't. I have three siblings. Instead, my dad was able to get a teaching position at a different school. It was a Catholic school, it was bilingual, it was a great school. And that's where I went. And I remember being told, oh, you're special, you know, you get to go to this special school. Well, I the thing is, is that I guess I never really realized that I didn't actually feel that way. I realized that I didn't feel special. And over all of these years, so I'm in my 40s now, and all of these years, I think I've overridden that feeling of I felt left out. I have overridden it with, oh, but they said you were special and you went, you got to go to this really good school and you got different experience than your siblings, right? So all of those things just kind of trying to dismiss what was truly underneath the surface. So I really didn't feel that way. I felt separate. I felt like I didn't belong. And for the first time, all of us siblings were split up. So it makes sense. They were together and I was somewhere else. And considering trauma, right? I had such so much trauma in my background. I had experienced so much abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, you know, and now all of a sudden I'm being pulled away from the three people that were so familiar to me and being sent to a completely different place, right? And I was very shy too, very quiet. So as a child, you really don't have the language for that. It's it's especially when somebody doesn't talk to you about it, right? You sit there and think, I'm experiencing abandon. Or you don't sit there and think, I'm experiencing abandonment, right? You you just go along with it and just uh have your feelings or shove them deep down, right? So your system starts organizing around that feeling, right? And it wasn't just that. The thing is, is that I was bullied at that school a lot. There were boys who figured out that I was afraid of fire, and I have no idea where that came from, but somehow I was afraid of fire. So they would flick matches at me and jump when I left, or and laugh when I jumped, sorry. So every time that they do that, I would I would be afraid, you know, I was afraid to walk by them, I was afraid to be around them. And, you know, you would think, well, where are the teachers? Well, you know, it was a long time ago. It was a different country, you know, third world country, and not quite sure where the teachers were, to be honest. And, you know, there were also some girls that were just really, really mean to me, you know. I didn't have money for uniforms. Mine were donated, so my clothes outside of school were donated as well. And I was in this very preppy, very wealthy environment, feeling like I really didn't fit in anywhere. So there were also moments where I was forgotten, like literally forgotten. I remember one day sitting at the school after everyone had left. It was getting dark. I was eight years old, and my dad didn't come to get me. And I just sat there and I was waiting. And I kept trying to tell myself that my dad was gonna come and get me, trying not to panic, right? And the gardener was sitting there with me when he realized that I wasn't being picked up. He sat there with me. And he said, Lizzie, I don't think your parents are coming. Again, you might ask, you know, where were the teachers? Where was everybody else? But it was a different environment, different country, you know, it was a long time ago. So these things were were handled differently. And I, you know, when when he told me that my parents weren't coming to get me, I just, or my dad wasn't coming to get me. I was just kind of, I felt kind of shattered on the inside. I was scared, I was alone, I was in a country that still felt kind of unfamiliar. And he stayed with me. The gardener had stayed with me. He helped me. He put me on the right bus and told me exactly how to get home. He told me what to prevent. He told me everything I needed to know to get home safely. I was eight years old, a foreigner in this country, on a bus by myself, terrified. And I made it home. And no one even realized I had been missing. So, what which is sad in and of itself. So I gotta take a second to honor that part of me that wasn't even missed, right? And you know, just as I'm saying this, I'm putting a few things together that a lot of times we make things so, you know, what our experience is in our head, we think that everybody else has that experience too. And when that experience is so big, right? So think about where I was at. I was eight years old, I was terrified, I was alone, I I felt abandoned, I didn't really know what all was going on around me, you know. You can probably add to it that I my eyesight wasn't really good either. So, like I I had really, really probably like negative 3.5 or something. I had really bad eyesight since, you know, since I can remember and I didn't have glasses at the time. So you can add that to the mix too, you know, trying to like squint my eyes to be able to see. So all of these things, I think about this little girl who who went through all of this. And number one, I'm amazed that she made it, that she that she did all this on her own. Number two, I'm recognizing that when I walked into that house and nobody even realized that I was missing, how different my perspective was from theirs. Everybody was safe. Everybody else was nice and cozy and safe in their spaces, yet I was not. So I expected everybody to kind of be panicky with me, but nobody was because that wasn't their experience, right? So it's just really interesting how we perceive a certain thing and we expect other people to react in the same way that we react, but yet their experiences are completely different. So fast-forwarding, all of this came back to me this morning, right? All of it. And here's a part that really, really sunk in for me. I realized I have been judging myself as an adult through the lens of that version of me, right? And I know this, I've talked about it on the show. You know, I think a big part of this podcast is my own journey and what I am learning throughout it. So every time that I have a podcast on something, just so you all know, it's something that I have just recently learned or experienced in my life that I am really putting into words and really grounding, right? So this perspective thing, I mean, I've known this for a long time. I have worked on this, I have I have worked with my clients on this. I tell them all the time, perspective is everything, you know. However, with this situation, it's so interesting to me that just now it's landing, right? So it's so interesting that these things happen. No matter how much work we do on ourselves, sometimes things don't really, really land really deep until they do, right? And we don't know when that moment is going to come. So I am grateful for this moment and I'm grateful for a platform to be able to ground this. And I'm grateful to you, listeners, for being there and and receiving this, right? So I've been measuring my worth, my enoughness, my performance based on a time in my life where I felt unseen, unsupported, and out of place. And I didn't even realize that I was still there. Right? That's that's the crazy thing about it, you know. I didn't even realize I was there. I kept wondering, like, why am I thinking these things about myself? I'm way past that. I don't even believe that about myself anymore. But yet this little girl was still there. She she's still sitting there waiting for her dad to come pick her up. She's still at that house where nobody noticed she was missing, you know? She's still at that playground where the boys are flicking, flicking what now I can't think about what it's called. Matches at her, right? You know, so and that's the thing about this work is that sometimes we think we've already moved through something, but really we just weren't ready to feel it yet. So as I keep tapping, or as I kept tapping, I started shifting my perspective. I asked myself, what would it have been like if someone had been in my corner? What would it have been like if someone had said, you know what, you're doing great. This is hard. I see you. What if someone had advocated for me the way I advocated for my kids now? What if someone had stepped in when those boys were flicking matches at me? What would that have changed? You know, as I sat with that, something softened because I realized I do that now. I became that. I'm so proud of myself for that. You know, I became that for me, I became that for my kids, I became that for strangers, I became that for my clients, you know. And then another memory kind of came in when I was in fifth grade. That moment where something in me finally said, enough is enough. I'm I'm done. I remember one of the boys laughing and at me and picking at me or whatever. I had, I was, I don't remember exactly what was happening, but I had my back turned. Maybe he was like, you know, tapping me on the shoulder or poking me or something, you know. And and I just remember him with a group of other boys and they're just all laughing. And something just came through me, like some rage, you know, and I turned around and I shoved him so hard. I didn't even realize I was that strong, you know? And yes, I got in trouble. But I also remember the principal saying, Your response was not okay, but I understand, you know. I there there was another incident in my neighborhood that I was walking down the street and there was this little boy, and he was always bothering me. And he came up behind me and pulled, I had a skirt and he pulled my skirt down. Now I had shorts under my skirt, but he pulled my skirt down and I turned around and I grabbed his hair and just like, you know, kind of like just pulled his hair really hard, I guess, you know, and made him fall over. And I felt so bad about it in the moment, but I also felt so proud of myself. I I mean, I guess I was shocked at my reaction. I was shocked that I that I actually had that strength, you know. You know, to be fair, the little boy never did that to me again. You know, was my reaction a little excessive? Probably because it was all of my rage from the time I was born to that moment. So that wasn't okay, you know. I I needed to learn how to handle those situations a little bit better. But I did, I did defend myself and I defended my honor and and he didn't bother me again, right? So there again, multiple perspectives here, just even in that. So back to what the principal said to me, your response wasn't okay, but I understand that mattered because someone saw the full picture, someone besides me saw the full picture, not just what I did, but everything that led up to it. It's like that, you know, the poking, somebody just keeps poking, poking, poking, poking, poking, and eventually you snap. And then who's at fault? Typically you are, right? You know, it's it's not fair, it's not, it's not okay. But imagine if somebody sees you in that moment and says, you know what, I saw that person poking at you this whole time. And I saw, I saw why you snapped. I understood that, right? And that that means everything. So I remember that feeling proud, like there's something in me that protects me, right? And that was a good feeling because I wasn't used to being protected. I mean, other than my older brother, I wasn't really used to being protected. So this is really where perspective comes in, because I could stay in the perspective of I was wronged, I was alone, I was helpless, I didn't get what I needed. And all of that, yes, 100% is true. But if that's the only perspective that I allow, I stay there. I stay in that version of me, I stay in that identity. And over time, that turns into something way heavier. It turns into resentment, it turns into disconnection, it becomes the lens through which I start seeing everything. So if I wanted to stay in that place of you wronged me, I have this rage, I'm not letting it go. I can. We can. We can stay there if we want to. You know, it's our choice. Because that perspective protects something, it protects the part of you that says that mattered, that shouldn't have happened, that hurt me. And sometimes we have to stay there for a certain amount of time. We just don't want to live there, right? Because, you know, it you know, it becomes kind of our reality, right? So we're not necessarily dismissing it, we're not minimizing it, we're not pretending that it didn't happen, but if that's the only truth we told, we stay stuck inside of it. That's the truth we live in. That's the that's what we see. So the invitation isn't necessarily to let it go. The invitation is to expand it, to recognize it. There's more to the picture. There's always more to the picture. Because here's the other truth in my story. There was a teacher who saw me, there was a gardener who stayed with me, there was a principal who understood me, there was a part of me that protected me. And even through all of that, I made it. I made it. That's also true. And this doesn't just live in our past, this shows up in our relationships too. Those moments that you know, where you're talking to somebody and it feels kind of like there's no way they're seeing what I'm seeing, and they're just as convinced, and suddenly there's the wall between the two of you. There's no way to get to each other. You have your perspective, they have theirs, there's no bridge, right? But what if instead of trying to prove your perspective is the right one, what if you got curious? Not agreeing, not excusing, just plain curious. What if you stepped just for a moment into their perspective and allowed them even a little bit to step into yours? That's where the shift happens. That's where the wiggle room is. Let me give you a simple example. Someone cancels on you last minute, right? Your mind might go to they don't respect me. I'm not important. This always happens, right? And maybe that connects to something a lot deeper, something older within you. But their experience might be, I'm overwhelmed, I don't know how to say no, I'm barely holding things together. Does that excuse the behavior? No. Boundaries still matter, behavior still matters. But can you see how those are two completely different internal realities? And how staying locked in one keeps us disconnected. From a psychological perspective, our brains are wired to make meaning quickly, especially when something feels threatening. So when something in the present reminds us even slightly of something from the past, our system says, This is that again. This is what we call implicit memory, where our body remembers before the mind fully understands. And that's why something small can feel so, so big, because it's not just about now, it's layered, right? This is what I've been talking about this whole time on this podcast, right? And from a nervous system standpoint, when we feel wronged, we go into protection. We go into the fight, flight, or freeze. Rage is part of that fight response. And rage is not bad. Rage says, no more, you matter. This crossed a line, right? But rage is meant to move. It's not meant to be where we live. And then there's the bigger perspective, the one that asks us to zoom out just a little bit, not to bypass the pain, not to pretend everything happens for a reason, but to recognize that our experiences shape us. That little girl who felt alone, she grew into someone who sees others deeply, who advocates, who protects, who understands. Not in spite of what happened, but through it. Through it. So the work becomes: can I hold both? Can I say, yes, I was hurt? And there is more to my story than just hurt? Can I say the behavior isn't okay? And I'm willing to understand what might be underneath it. Can I say this mattered? And I'm not going to let it define all of who I am. And this is how we step out of victimhood, not by denying what happened, but by expanding our relationship to it. Victimhood says, this is where I am, and I can't move. Perspective says, this happened, and I get to decide what I do with it now. It's so empowering. Try it on, right? So if you're feeling stuck somewhere in anger, in hurt, in disconnection, I'm not going to tell you to just see it differently. That's not how this works. Because that's kind of like bypassing. But I will invite you. To gently ask what else might be true. So validate what's already happening for you. And when you're ready, you can ask what else might be true. Not instead of your truth, but alongside it. Because your story is not one-dimensional. It's not simple. And neither are you. We are complicated beings. There's more to us than just one path, one story, one narrative. And maybe the most powerful shift of all is realizing that the version of you who once felt unseen is now being seen by you. That, my friends, changes everything. So thank you for being here with me today, and I will see you next time.