When Fear Decides What Feels True: The Hidden Cost of Belonging

In this episode, Lizzi explores a theme that has followed her throughout much of her life—the deep curiosity around what is actually real, and how we come to believe what we believe.

Through her personal journey of moving through religion, stepping away, opening back up again, and encountering familiar patterns in unexpected places, she reflects on how fear can quietly shape belief. Not always in obvious ways, but in ways that influence what feels safe to question and what doesn’t.

She shares her experiences with belonging, disconnection, and the internal conflict that can arise when curiosity meets fear—especially when belief is tied to identity and community.

This is not a conversation about finding the “right” answers.

It’s an invitation to notice what feels true… and gently explore where that feeling might be coming from.

For anyone who has ever felt torn between curiosity and fear, or questioned what they’ve been taught while still wanting to feel connected, this episode offers space for reflection.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Hey everybody, welcome back to my podcast. So nice to have you here. So I have always had this incredible fascination with humans. And yes, I know that I'm one too. But I've always been so interested in the human brain, what makes us what makes us tick, what makes us function, hence the career that I chose. But, you know, I really always wanted to understand what's actually real, you know, which is really hard to determine in this world. I don't know if you've noticed, but, you know, for a long time we were guiding ourselves by scientific, you know, studies and so on and so forth. And I guess we still are, you know. But I think what we're finding at this stage is that some things that we've believed, you know, even in the scientific community, aren't necessarily things that are true anymore, or maybe there's a different perspective to it, or maybe there's more information, you know? So that leads to a lot of questions, right? And so what I've always had is a million questions. So I kind of want to talk about this today. You know, I I've thought about like, who are we really? What's this experience? Is there something really beyond what we see? Is there a spirit world? And if there is, what is it? Is it what we've been told, or is it something we interpret through our own minds? And I've gone through so many different phases with that, right? There was a time where I believed deeply, a time where I stepped away completely, a time where I opened back up again, and a time where I had to walk away all over again. And honestly, through all of that, one thing kept showing up. You want to guess what it is? It was fear. Fear. Not like the obvious fear, you know, it was fear woven into belief, fear shaping what feels true, fear shaping what feels safe to question and what doesn't. Because I remember being told growing up in the church that there would be people who would try to lead me astray, that not everything out there was safe, that I needed to be careful to who I listened to. And that really, really stayed with me, not just like a belief, but as a filter. Because honestly, every time I encounter something new, something different, there was a part of me that had these questions. Is it wrong? Is it dangerous? Is it something I shouldn't be exploring? And under that was something even deeper. There was this fear of losing people, this fear of being judged, this fear of being seen differently, this fear of being abandoned, alone, disconnected, right? Because when belief is tied to belonging, questioning doesn't feel like curiosity. It feels like it's a risk. And I guess I feel like this is really important to say this didn't really start there for me. I had already experienced being in a cult-like environment when I was younger. You know, I've spoken about that in previous podcasts. It wasn't just cult-like, it was a cult, right? Just to be clear. So somewhere in me, there was already this blueprint of, you know, stay loyal, don't question, give everything, belong at all costs, right? The loyal thing was such a big thing. You know, I never realized how big it was within me. But sometimes loyalty is based in fear as well. If I'm not loyal, I'm going to lose something, you know? And so, you know, we admire that as a human race, we admire loyalty. But is it always what's best for us? You know, what if we're loyal to the wrong thing? Or what if we're loyal to something that is not good for us? Anyways, so when I entered religious spaces and also later spiritual spaces, there was a part of me that knew how to do that, how to attach, how to commit, how to hand myself over. And please don't interpret any of this as me being against religions or me being against spirituality or anything like that. This is this is my journey and this is what I have learned. And and I believe that everybody has their own journey and what they need out of life. So be it religion, be it spirituality in a different sense, you know, be it atheism, you know, be it just just being, you know, agnosticism, whatever it is, right? Like all of that stuff, you know, it's it's really up to the individual. Wherever you're at in life, whatever you're experiencing, that's where you need to be at this moment. You know, that's what you're experiencing in this moment. It doesn't mean that it will be forever. Maybe things will change for you, maybe they won't, you know, maybe it will be forever. And there's nothing wrong with any of it, okay? So all I'm expressing is this is this is what I've experienced, and this is my journey, okay. So at the time, it didn't really feel like losing myself. It felt like connection. And there were some good things about it, you know. I learned some good things, and and every that's a that's the thing too, is like every single experience that I have had, I have had good experiences too, you know. So even in the cult, I have some good memories of being in the cult. It wasn't all darkness, you know. I mean, a lot of it was, but it wasn't all darkness. And uh, and that is something that's worth remembering too, is that even in the darkest of experiences, we can have some light and we can have positive things. I was really confused about this for a long time. You know, how could how could I have good experiences when I was in such a dark place? And it's because life isn't black and white, life is complicated, and we can be happy and sad and mad and hurt all at the same time, right? So over time I started noticing something that connection felt really good until it didn't. Because there were parts of me that didn't agree, parts of me that felt unsure, parts of me that wanted to question. But fear would step in. What if you're wrong? What if you're doing something bad? What if you lose everything? And then things started getting complicated because fear is not bad. Fear is actually protective, it activates our nervous system, it prepares us for danger. But the problem is our brain doesn't always know the difference between real danger and perceived danger. So when fear gets tied to belief, our body responds as if questioning equals threat, you know? Especially when that has been, you know, repeated so many times and embedded in you. And especially, you know, starting as a young child in certain atmospheres and certain religions and spaces that that really reinforce like don't question this or don't, you know, this is how it is, and there's no other way, right? You know, then it really becomes embedded in you. And then if you if you feel like you want to question something, it can feel really terrifying because, well, what if I again, what if I get abandoned? What if I'm disconnected? And for an adult, that's terrifying, but for a child, oh my goodness, that is that's the worst thing that you can possibly do, right? You know, because a child relies, their their livelihood relies on connection. So when we're in that state, we don't explore, we don't expand, we contract. I saw this play out in my own life. I remember being in church, feeling the music move through me, feeling something so powerful, so real in my body. And, you know, music was my thing. It was the thing that kept me alive. It was the thing that I just felt in in the depth of my soul, you know. And so I thought in these moments, I was like, I this is believing that that this is God, this is God moving through me, right? Because that's what I was told that it was God. And then I was asked by a colleague, you know, do you feel that same feeling at concerts as well? And I had to stop and think, and I was like, oh, like even concerts that weren't based on religion or what I believed, right? I was like, yeah, I do feel that with Guns N' Roses and Shakira, you know, and like all of these different bands that I was really into growing up, you know. And yeah, that kind of that kind of made me think, like, wait a second, but those are not, those are not religious, they're not Christian, but I feel the same way. I feel connected, I feel something running through my body, right? Like I feel electricity running through my body. I feel so alive and empowered and just full of love and and excitement, you know? And it was interesting, though, because it it was it was a turning point for me. It didn't really take anything away, but it really cracked something wide open. It showed me that our experiences are real. But maybe the meaning that we attach to them is shaped. It's shaped by belief, by culture, what we've been told. Also being in a room full of full of people who are all in tune with what you're singing and you're connecting through music, through something that's so alive, you know, it does feel it does feel like you're a part of something. It does feel like you are deeply connected. And I'm not, again, I'm not saying that this isn't God, you know, when if if you are experiencing, you know, those church environments that that of worship and you are really truly experiencing, you know, what you call the spirit move through you. I'm not saying that that's not it. You know, this was just something that like made me think, made me rethink a lot of things. And, you know, I still do experience when I listen to certain types of music, I might experience something different, right? I might experience more spiritual connection, you know, and then when I listen to others, I might experience more of a soul connection, you know. So what I what I'm saying is it's not necessarily about certain environments being wrong. It just depends on what is good for you, what is it that you need, and also, you know, the experience that you're having, just because this was an epiphany for me, doesn't mean that the experience that you're having if if you are in that environment is not real. Okay. So around the same time that I started questioning these things, I was actually going through my divorce. And honestly, that's another turning point. So that added a whole other layer to it because I didn't just feel confused, I felt judged by, you know, by the church. I I felt like I didn't belong anymore, like something had shifted and I wasn't on the right side of things. You know, I was being told that maybe I needed to stay and that that that, you know, I wasn't making the right choices, so on and so forth. So part of me felt shame, but a part of me knew that this is what I needed to do. I needed to step away. And sitting in that tension of stepping away was painful. I was lonely. I it was hard. But it also gave me space. So I did step away completely for a while. I chose not to believe in anything. I actually kept my mind pretty open. I did kind of call myself an agnostic because I just thought, well, I feel like there's something out there, but I just really don't know what it is, you know. And right now I'm not gonna, I'm I'm just gonna allow myself not to believe in anything. But for me, having come from, you know, having been born into a cult that was constantly telling me what to believe and like threatening me to tell me what to believe. And then going into a a church that, you know, leaving the cult and and going into a church that that also told me what to believe and also told me not to question and and all this, you know? And and also was was building around my shame, the shame that I already felt. Right. So all of this just felt so freeing that, wow, I actually I have a choice. I don't have to believe in hell, you know. I don't have to believe that that something's gonna happen to me when I die, you know. I can believe whatever I want to believe. And it it was just such a freeing feeling. And I knew I was gonna stay there forever, but I knew that in this moment I really needed to let myself feel that. Like I could finally just exist without fear guiding everything. But there was also this kind of quiet question in the background is there more? And many years later I opened back up again and I stepped into something that felt like connection. And again, it felt good until it didn't, right? Because slowly I started noticing the same patterns authority, certainty, subtle pressure. And honestly, I remember thinking, I feel like I owe her my whole life. It in and you know, to be fair, it felt like a very cultish environment, right? That moment really stopped me because that wasn't connection, that was control. And I had to face something honestly. I was predisposed to this. Not because something was wrong with me, but because my system had learned that belonging meant giving everything. And I've experienced that before, right? And leaving was hard, and I had such, such strong loyalties, and I felt like I would be betraying if I if I left, right? But it it wasn't like that. It was it was the environment, you know. The environment was also reinforcing what my child cult-like experiences were, right? It it was really messy leaving. It was really hard, it was really messy, it was emotional, it was overwhelming. I felt chastised, I felt like I lost everything. I felt like I lost a whole community, you know, something that I I also felt like I I lost something that I had so much faith in that I finally was starting to have faith in something again, and it just blew up in my face. And it was devastating. It was really devastating. I would probably say that, you know, I don't know if you've ever heard of the dark night of the soul, you know, but that's what it felt like. I felt like I was in the abyss, you know. I felt like I was falling into this black hole and nothing made sense anymore. I just remember crying for nights without end, you know, and feeling like I just don't know anymore. I every time I believe in something, it just turns out to not be helpful for me. It turns out to be hurtful, right? And that's a really hard place to be because I I needed connection. I need a deep, deep connection, which is why I kept falling for these different experiences, right? Because I was searching out of fear of not having connection. So I really had to just start rebuilding from the lowest point in my life, right? And what I learned through that process was this fear can guide you to safety, but it can also be used to control you. And there is a difference because helpful fear says something here is not safe for you. Controlling fear says you are not safe without this. Okay, so helpful fear says something here is not safe for you. Controlling fear says you are not safe without this. Those are not the same thing. And I see this now in so many spaces and religion and spirituality and conversations about the unknown, people sharing things in ways that create fear. And I find myself asking, what is the purpose of this? Because awareness is one thing, but fear-based messaging does not expand people, it limits them. It shuts down curiosity. Think about like if if you do have children or you've been around children, like when when you use fear with children, yes, it's very impactful, it can work. They will do what you say, you know. But what if if you use internal resources and remind them of their power and remind them how strong and amazing they are and how they can do this and not not be afraid of the outcome, but just do it, right? Do it because they believe in themselves. It makes such a difference and it shows up in such an amazing way compared to coming out of fear, right? So this limits them, it shuts down curiosity, it creates dependency, disconnects people from themselves. And honestly, I don't believe that's where true, where the truth lives, right? So where I've landed, at least for now, is here. I believe anything is possible. I believe there's more that we don't understand, and that's okay. I also believe that whatever is real does not need fear to be known. And I do keep coming back to this. I only know that I know nothing, as Socrates said, right? Very wise statement, and it keeps me open, it keeps me grounded, it keeps me from locking myself into something out of fear. And now I don't try to force answers, I listen, I observe, I feel, and I ask myself, is this helping me come back to myself or is this pulling me away from me? Maybe that's the real question. Not what's true, but what brings you closer to yourself? What takes you further away from yourself? Because honestly, at the end of the day, you can believe anything. But if that belief is rooted in fear, if it disconnects you from yourself, if it makes you feel like you have to give something up to stay safe, then you know, maybe it's worth questioning. Not you don't have to reject it, but you you know, it helps you understand it. Because maybe the goal isn't certainty, but maybe the goal is learning how to stay connected to yourself, even in the unknown, and trusting that whatever is real will not require your fear to find it. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to this and tuning in. I am in the process of writing a book about my spiritual journey and how I was able to, you know, navigate it and come out of certain spaces and refind who I am and redefine who I am, you know. So I will let you know when when I release that. I'm still working on it. I've been working on it for about two years now. So that tells you something, right? But anyway, so I hope this helped in any way, shape, or form. If you have any qu uh comments, questions, disagreements, you know, all of that. I am open to listening to all of it. So just send me a message and and I will do my best to get back to you. All right. Have a wonderful day, and I will see you and day and week, and I will talk to you next week. All right. Have a wonderful week.