Building Consistency As a Creative and Esoteric Questions

Sit with me as I contemplate building consistency as a highly experimental creative (what's worked and what hasn't), which of course, spins off into asking deep questions about our soul, ego, and how this world works. Long story short... I'm just winging this whole life thing. Let's take a ride into the ethers. 

Transcript

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Hi. Thanks for hanging out with me here again. This has kind of amounted to a video journal at this stage, and I know it will evolve, but I'm also allowing myself to just be right where I'm at, right at the stage that I am at, which just says that this is a new thing. And I keep saying that because I don't stick with it long enough for it not to be a new, a new skill or a new thing that I do. And I know I am far from the only person here who can relate to feeling inspired, having the idea, actually getting yourself off the ground, which that in and of itself can be such a difficult thing to do. And then you get yourself going. And then you only make it so far before. I'm sorry, hold on. Are you okay over there? Alright, well, it seems that every time I make one of these videos, my dog decides to burrow herself a little fort in my bed. Animals, they are the best and the weirdest. It's just the strangest. She's quiet all day, and then we're here, and she's doing that. Um, I was saying that yeah, building up the steam, actually getting off the ground and getting started can be half the battle. And then the other half kicks in, which is truly saying as cliche as this sounds. Looking at least at my experience, if I didn't have a real why, a real like why, a real purpose that I could anchor into, then the first sign of I don't feel it, I don't have the energy for this, um, I'm overwhelmed, I'm sad or stressed or whatever by something else going on in my life, then the the new creative, you know, process, the whatever project XYZ insert here, um, yeah, that's the first thing to go. Like that hits the cutting room floor. And again, you know, that's okay because when we are in phases of our lives where we just need to focus on other things, and sometimes that is appropriate, and these projects can wait. And then there's other times where you just kind of look at yourself and you say, time is passing either way, these days are going to go by, whether I like it or not, and I could actively be applying some degree of like pressure in that direction that I would like to move. And if all I can muster today is one percent, that's genuinely enough. So again, I'm sure there are many reasons why we all stumble or fall along the way and trying to yeah, really grow or deepen our creative projects. And it can be business, it can be purely creative, like a hobby, but still something that you you have some kind of destination or like end goal in sight. And yeah, really looking at the the lack of purpose as a driving force through the low periods and through the difficulties. Um, yeah, looking at that in my life, I can see where things fell off track. And again, that's okay. Sometimes I just wanted to create to create, and when I was done, I was done. Other times I wanted to, I think, just genuinely experiment. And I think so many of my creative projects have been invaluable in teaching me skills, giving me confidence, giving me just experience with trying things. And yeah, I mean obviously we many of us did not go to college. I did not go to college. But whether you go to college in a traditional sense or not, I think that that attitude of being a lifelong learner obviously, you know, pays great dividends and it's uh just a beautiful thing to nurture within ourselves, but that inevitably comes with experimentation and like that willingness to fail, that willingness to try something out, and then say, oh, that's not for me because I didn't know. And yeah, a lot of my creative projects have felt amazing in theory, lackluster in practice. And then there's that deeper level of discernment saying, Is this lackluster because it's not a fit for me? And there is no deeper purpose really driving me here. Maybe that purpose was comparison, like you know, I saw somebody else do something and I got inspired. That's beautiful. I then took that and said, Oh, I can I can do that in my own way. Also, you know, not a bad thing. But I think unless that's really connected or like plugged in to something deeper within myself, that really felt like again, that personal purpose that didn't so much feel reliant on like external forces. Um if that thing hadn't naturally occurred to me in some way, shape, or form outside of the being inspired by someone else doing something, yeah, then I think it's okay that I wanted to try those things on. It's okay that I wanted to just scratch the itch and have the experience as a human in this like weird 3D human reality where we get to just have experiences and try things on. But letting it go and knowing when to let it go and knowing when to just move on because this isn't a personal, like non-negotiable need to have. And that inevitably just comes through maybe knowing ourselves. Maybe that takes inner work. Maybe for some people that's less, and for some people that's more. For me, it seemed to be a lot. Like it seemed to be a lot of a lot of inner work was needed to like unearth everything that was actually at the core of me, and all of the layers of muck and fear and conditioning and performative, comparative being inspired by others, but really just kind of being trapped in this hall of mirrors where everything's kind of distorted, and I know there's fractals of myself and pieces that are true, but like finding what those are, it's like I don't really know. I didn't know. So again, just giving myself grace. Um, that has been a very big learning curve for me and a lesson, and one I'm very much still in the midst of um there. But yeah, I think that the the deeper purpose piece um only was gonna come through knowing myself and maybe maturing to a certain degree where I again was less afraid of looking stupid and less afraid of trying something non and experimenting, but also more willing to just be ruthless about the oh, that's not a fit, that's not right for me. I don't, I don't need to keep investing my energy in that. And I'm grateful on the one hand, uh, that I always kind of had that peace nurtured in me even as a kid. I gosh, I think I may have mentioned in the last episode talking about my mystical experience, um, but the kind of backstory around my time at Catholic school and any of the bullying I experienced. Um, if I mentioned that I I moved to school several times uh for various different bullying situations um on multiple, yeah, just multiple fronts. And I'm gonna say that there were a lot of pros to this approach that my parents took and that on some level my my higher self took here. And there were some cons, and I probably would have had stronger muscles internally in some ways if I had stuck it out, and other, and I may have had other shadows or other limiting beliefs and things to work through. So, you know, is what it is. Um, that was the roll of the dice. Uh, but basically, in all of these situations, I moved schools because of it, and I remember even at, you know, 10, 12, 14, like any of these ages, really actively having that awareness of I don't have to settle. Like I don't have to settle for an environment for treatment that does not feel kind and respectful. I do get to explore other options. I get to just walk away. I get to try something new out. So again, so many beautiful things that I think came from that experience. But I also think that there, you know, a whole other tangent could have been other strengths that came out and were forged in me if that had gone a different way and I learned to stick it out and not maybe run from those situations. So again, we look for the silver linings and the gold, and we make peace with our past because it's all we can do. But I digress. Um, so yeah, I think that really looking at all of the what we're doing is I suppose just the restlessness, maybe that I felt, like creatively feeling this super strong itch and like urge to um to always be creating and always feel like I was I was investing my energy in building something, and yet I guess I just either couldn't have maybe known myself any earlier than where I'm at today, in order to, I'm also just totally, you know, airing this out in real time as I work shop it in my brain. So I have by no means any polished, um, finished thought around this, but perhaps it never could have been any different because I needed to go through all those experiences in order to get to where I'm at now, in order to see my real core self underneath it all. And while I personally believe that my real core self is not necessarily tied to any identity or any personality, I also still believe that as a human we have a more authentic identity or personality. Um, things that do stem maybe more from that, like just yeah, core loving, like higher self peace. So I know, I guess just going off on this tangent, because that's the freedom of this space, is I get to just go off on any direction I want. So you're coming with me. Okay. If as humans we have an ego, or we have essentially the illusion of an ego, the ego being the identity, the self-definition, the personality, then our real self being the oneness, the love, the connection to creator, the you know, yeah, God peace, the higher self soul, whatever we frame that as. Then again, I'm just like, is there a piece of that, let's say, warm glowing light that's kind of the the piece plugged into us here that gives you know animation to a human body? Um that therefore like the identity is I guess, yeah, like the the perceived ego, or is yeah, all that is closer to the center, like uh the inner core versus outer core um kind of approach. I don't I honestly don't know. Um, I think that's one thing. Just yeah, to um be completely frank about where I'm at with a Course in Miracles, that I'm not gonna say is stumping me, that's not necessarily the word, but it feels like it feels like the distinction in my mind around where the illusion of ego or the belief in ego like rests, and where the the unfiltered by ego, still human identity, like I am still playing the part or being born as or showing up as Rachel Leedham in this human experience, seemingly in a body. I guess yeah, it just feels, and then of course, beyond that, uh a soul, a higher self, core self, you know, the oneness, the the source of all that is like to my mind, it looks like layers. Obviously, that could just completely be an element of my perception of what my mind can hold, or how that can kind of yeah, be conceptualized. But when we are moving through the Course in Miracles and talking about, you know, healing that the belief in separation, the belief in lack, the belief in scarcity, that kind of side note. Um, if you're familiar with Zach Bush's work, um absolutely phenomenal. Like he is just oof, incredible. Um, but he is a doctor who also just really has such a philosophical esoteric understanding of nature, and he really gets into kind of the juice around how we are like not just domesticated or divorced from nature and like our, you know, the physical things we do or how we live, though, of course, that's part of it. But he also talks about like how very similar language to A Course in Miracles, it's that belief that we were abandoned by nature, it's that belief that we are separate, it's that belief that there is, you know, like a us versus them. And it doesn't have to even be divisive, it could be a positive, loving relationship, but it still feels like, oh, there's, you know, nature, there's animals, there's plants, you know, the fauna and flora that we exist with or connect to, but we're separate from it. And we were abandoned by it, and therefore, again, in his own language and words, lands in a very similar place of that belief in scarcity, that belief in lack, that belief in yeah, this division um being the core root of, you know, our depressions, our angst, our anger, our our greed, all the all of the quote unquote sins. And I like, I really like in Course in Miracles how they term a sin as just lack of love. So it's essentially bringing a very what I would perceive as a compassionate or a understanding kind of tone or lens to the idea of us sinning as humans and saying that, you know, you don't know any better when you believe in scarcity and you believe that you were abandoned by God or by nature, and that the world won't provide for you and it won't provide safety and it won't provide resources. And then as humans, we construct worlds and systems, you know, societies where that then becomes the case. And it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy of our own, yeah, like faulty perception and our own individual belief in that lack and that scarcity and that division that then lends itself to creating, you know, again, institutions or systems of thought and societal constructs around that same belief. So again, I I can get all of that, I see all that. I think the the part tripping me up is that either I am still so tied into that belief system deep down, which totally could be the case. Um, either I'm still so tied into it and therefore still within the bounds of like this perception of my ego, that I can't conceptualize what it's like to be outside of it, or I am outside of it. And I because I have a I don't know, like a compassionate, loving, understanding, tolerant look towards it, that then I I don't know, honestly. I just feel like I start overthinking it, and it just truly is one of those things that is not best thought about. And maybe that's also part of the trick of the ego, is that maybe that is the thinking mind, and all of my neuroses are in fact tied to that. I don't know. Then again, it feels like a very pure, like earnest quest just to ask questions and to contemplate and think deeply. I don't think I could turn that off. I don't want to turn that off. I don't want to have anxieties that are unnecessary. And as I mentioned in the last episode, like I am so grateful that for me personally, right now, the this relationship with God that I am nurturing feels like a breath of fresh air or a soft space to land for those anxieties. And that has proven to be very helpful. But I suppose there's still, again, inevitably the way my mind works the analytical side that says. Like, does I guess our concept of God serve as a perhaps very truthfully divine-given, God-given gift to the anxious, neurotic, fear-based, you know, belief and separation human mind. Like is the concept in and of itself not the truth of love source gone, not the truth of whatever is beyond, whether that's going into aliens and uophology, uofhology, uafhology, I think that's how people say it. I don't know. I see it written all the time. I haven't actually said that word out loud. Um, but yeah, is it regardless of whatever is actually beyond here? Because I'm also a firm believer that I can have all my thoughts and you can have all your thoughts. And until we do have those direct experiences, we just don't know. And even when we have direct experiences, they can be completely different. I I really like that a lot of the the content I've been tuning into. Um, if anyone watches American Alchemy here, I see you. Um, I'm a very avid, a very avid watcher myself. Um but yeah, I think there's been a consistent theme in a lot of the interviews Jesse has had on that show lately, and that's that disclosure is consciousness, and that maybe the thing that we're really all just looking for um like just truly rests within consciousness. And that's why every experience is so subjective and individual, and that's also why we don't necessarily need to rely on an external source, like a government body, disclosing anything to us, that the more we're just expanding our own conscious awareness and experiencing more of these things, whether that's in like parapsychology or direct contact, going back even to my experience I shared, I think, yeah, there's just a very big difference for any human in something that's abstract, intellectualized, and talked about in society or talked about in a book, and something we have a lived experience of. But I also know that just because we have a lived experience of something, that doesn't mean that what our mind assigns to that or like labels that of like what you know, pretty box we put around it, it doesn't make that objectively true. That doesn't make it inherently right. So where am I going with all this? I guess wow, we really we started with creative projects, that's where we started here. And somehow we've gotten into the soul and God and concepts of God and consciousness. Okay, yes, that's where we're at. So um at the same time, like of course we are. Of course we are, because it is all connected, and it's all connected in that the closer I do feel personally to whatever is beyond slash inside, the more I tune out the external noise. So again, the comparison, both in being inspired by others, but also in, of course, shrinking or contorting myself because of other humans and their subjective human experience. And the more I feel deeply rooted to a purpose that feels like there is reason for me to exist, the more I feel like there is a point to me being here. Like when I was younger, and I mean, honestly, even up to last year, um, this has kind of always been a limiting subliminal background noise thought that you know revs up at times and then it it pulls back. But yeah, just that I I wish I hadn't, like I wish I didn't exist and or I don't have the right to exist. Um I've gone through periods, again, especially when I was younger, where I just felt really guilty of like just taking up any space, breathing air, using any kind of resource. I've just felt like I constantly wanted to shrink my presence or my footprint on this planet to be, you know, next to nothing. And um again, that's where I just can't help but feel like the concept of God stripping away again all of the messy complexities that, you know, humans have brought to religion, but really just digging into like the core root intention of the word or what like I think again Christianity is like founded upon and what it's going for, um, just by my interpretation, is that yeah, like we we are here on purpose, and that purpose does not need to be anything grand and flashy, and it doesn't need to come with fame or external success, it doesn't come with monetary prizes, and yet if any of those things happen, they just like they just kind of happen, but it's not a it's not the purpose, it's not the reason, and it's not the the like the north star, I guess maybe is what I'm looking for. Um, and therefore, like the the compass in the North Star is set right, and that's just internal, like that is towards the humbling of saying, I don't know everything because I can't. I see this world through my unique human lens, which is a at times very fear-based, egocentric mind, despite any of our best intentions and despite all of our efforts, we still flub up because we just can't help it. And that in that again, framework and that concept, there is just this unconditional, widespread, loving grace. Like there is actual grace given to us for all those errors or lapses in judgment, or I didn't know any better, or I was scared, or I said the wrong thing because I was stressed and moody, and I was sick, and so I snapped at someone, and yada yada yada. So I just see that being a very genuinely helpful thing for us humans, and I see why it can bring so much light. Again, I also see how that can be totally distorted and used to further the darkness. Um, but as with anything, I guess in this world it is how we choose to use it. And I think again, my creativity seems to always fall in that same camp of I have a lot of creative drive. I have immense creative power. Um, I'm good at taking action and initiating things that I know to be one of my strengths. And one of my weaknesses has been clearly uh commitment and follow-through and minimalism and allowing myself to just kind of restrain my focus and be very like intentional and yeah, just purely kind of like lasering in on a specific point and knowing why I want to laser in on that point. And when things get tough and I feel stressed, burnt out, overwhelmed, tired, I a support myself in the ways that I need. I ask myself, okay, what uh what do I need to feel less stressed, burnt out, anxious, overwhelmed, do those things, and then also say, but why am I choosing to do, you know, this podcast or these videos? Why am I writing more now? Why do I feel a call to share? And being able to actually have an answer that anchors me, and being able to actually come back to that. Um it's just so funny because I have been exposing my brain to this world of both like personal growth, self-help, business development, spiritual growth, inner like reflection. I I've gone in so many different directions in the last decade. And I have heard probably a million times, probably literally a million times, you know, find your why, have your why, what's your purpose? And it's it's just, I don't know. It's crazy. It's not like I never thought about it, it's not like I never had it. I just again, I don't know if it was essentially like the anchor was set at one of the kind of superficial layers that was like crusted over my truth. And therefore it still, I perceived it to be true. I perceived it to be like where, like it was meaning me where I was at, so it still was true in that way, but it also just then once the the outer shell crusted part fell away, once I unearthed that layer, then there goes the anchor. I don't know, or like just a big gust of wind comes along and there goes the anchor. So um yeah, I don't know if I have any big helpful tips to leave you here with outside of I am a messy human who is figuring it out, and I have decided to again really commit here, which I'm super grateful for and proud of. And I know that for me, again, there there is a why. Um, but there is kind of a dual-sided why. And the other side of that is saying I can be consistent and I can show up. And that feels like it's building self-trust, and that feels like, yeah, it's confidence building, it is very empowering, self-affirming. It's just it's a nice feeling. So uh I encourage, I encourage that definitely lean into that. Um yeah, I think that the deeper why to me or for me right now to share is gosh, how do I this is probably gonna be the most weird way to end this, to end this. It's very nebulous right now. To be honest, it's very murky, but no, it it's tethered to things that are immovable in me, those things being the ocean, marine life, um, my deep care and love for this planet and her inhabitants, and knowing that in some way, shape, or form, I do believe that I have acquired skills in my life that I can bring to helping like these, like these causes that I care about, protecting and nurturing these very important uh animals and ecosystems that mean a great deal to me. And yeah, being able to bring what I have experienced or developed and like channel it in that direction feels so good. The murky part is that I have no idea how that's actually gonna take shape right now. So for me, again, part of the impetus with sharing on here again was just saying, I don't know where this is going. I know that in today's world, having a um, I suppose a platform, a a yeah, what's a personal brand for lack of a better term, um does come with a certain level of I guess influence, maybe is what I'm looking for. Um I don't know what I will want to create or what I will want to get involved in. Um I'm on the precipice of a big move. I have a couple different organizations that I've been looking at volunteering with after I make this move. I have a couple different ideas of things that I want to explore as far as study and like getting certified or like trained in. I know there's pieces of this puzzle that are slowly going to get put into place. And I also know that if I have a desire within me to write and speak, that those are there for a reason and that those can be beautiful creative gifts that could be used in service of things that I care deeply about and that yeah, I feel really matter, not just to me, but to the world. Um, but there is like a childlike joy that comes from the ocean that I've just never found anywhere else. And I love a lot of things, and I'm a very passionate person with lots of interests, and yet nothing has ever come close to like dolphins and whales specifically. Um Cetacean girl for life. Um so yeah, I would just say that right now, uh big picture is that we are learning in real time. And if I can use this space right now to flex my vocal muscles as I keep calling it, learn to show up consistently and stay committed in service of something that feels like a deep driving purpose for me, and maybe share a little bit of light inspiration, encouragement along the way for anyone out there who I guess is looking for someone being very messy and human in these increasingly less than human um online times that we find ourselves in. Um personally, there's a lot of ways that I I have used AI and I have even loved like using AI, and I see good things that can come out of it. And simultaneously, there's the other part of my brain that says, you know, again, is this something we just need to feed? Is this something we need to put our creative energy into as a widespread human race? Um, obviously, the environmental impacts weigh very heavily on my heart. So again, a lot of things just feel nuanced and complicated, and I am just figuring it out and going day by day and saying that I would like to pour some of my energy into these buckets and see what ends up sprouting. Because it will be a surprise. I think to me, part of it will just be the surprise and delay. I don't know what is around the riverbend, but I am willing to just be open, open-minded, open-hearted, and see and say, if that floats your boat, please come along. I am also very selfishly, like, I will admit this, I'm very selfishly um enjoying the fact that I can metaphorically do this with other people. And I think there was an element of that, that feeling that I squashed down for a long time under the like shame, you know, under the embarrassment of being vulnerable and messy and like not being there or polished or like all put together yet. And that's just how it felt to me, how I interpreted it. And again, totally okay. That's where I was at. But it feels really good um to just be in this state of saying that despite any again of our best efforts to like look polished and have it all together. Do we ever like do we ever really? Um I don't know. I think mastery comes with practice and putting in the reps. And if I don't start practicing and putting in the reps, then we ain't never gonna get anywhere. So on that note, I will speak to you again soon. I will actually do the whole call to action thing at the end that I am terrible about. Uh, I also pre I I've taken a beat back with performing, but when I'm doing music and performing, I went through a whole stretch where I would just actually blink and forget to say my name, let alone asking anyone to like follow me on Instagram or, you know, find my music on Spotify. I just, it literally leaves my brain. So on that note, um, if you'd like to tune into more uh, I don't know, floor-based rambles um with me, I would love to have you here. Yeah, leave a comment, say hi, tell me where you're from, all that good stuff, and subscribe, like, dislike, whatever you want to do. I am just grateful to be here. And for anyone giving me their time and attention in today's world, that's a very valuable thing. So thanks, and I'll see you soon.