Blended and Blessed with Ines Franklin

Jared sits down with Ines Franklin, author of Blended and Blessed, to gain an understanding and appreciation of how God is able to bless blended families. Her book is available now and we highly recommend it! Join us for our next in-person gathering on May 2nd at Mariners Irvine!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to Intentional Parenting at Mariner's Church. My name is Jared Kirkwood, and I'm really excited to be sitting down with Inez Franklin today. We are going to have an incredible conversation about a book that she has recently released called Blended and Blessed. I have read this, I love it, and I am so excited about getting into this discussion with her. So Inez, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 0:29

Well, thank you for having me. This is fun.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Oh, absolutely. It's such a joy because you're a pastor of our church. You have and and Jim have made, I mean, um, a mark of legacy on this campus for all of Mariner's Church that will far outlast any of us, which I think that has to just feel so special.

SPEAKER_02 0:46

It's beautiful to be used by God, no question.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

And I have loved so much of your teaching, your leadership, your contribution to pastors' meetings, to position papers. And as you have left a remarkable imprint on not just the church, whatever that means, it means lots of things, but on me and on other pastors at our our church as well. Thank you so much. Thanks for all that you've done. Thank you. Well, this is an accomplishment to write any book. This is your second. Yes. Awesome. How does it feel just to believe it? How does it feel to be in the you're in the worldwide press tour now?

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Well, it's I'm so excited. I this message is uh a beautiful message, it's a hopeful message, and I'm thrilled that it's out and and I get to talk about it. So I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Yeah. Well, you're very welcome. It was one of those things when I knew the topic of the book was coming. It felt not only felt perfect for parents, it's about parenting. It's about family. Um, this was such a no-brainer to have you be here with us. And so thank you very much uh for giving some of your your time. As we do on this podcast, I love to start by just getting a sense of the context of the home in which the guest comes from, which is the entire topic of your book. And so, even from the beginning, I mean, in your dedication, you reference your smoothie family. Yes. In a way of just getting, you know, to help us shape the context of your home and your family, maybe unpack what a smoothie family is.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Yes, we we came up with that term. We were on a vacation together many years ago, and we were trying to do an Instagram hashtag, and we came up with smoothie slam, and we made our family, we called our family the smoothie, the Franklin smoothie. And it's not that it's smooth, it's actually a smoothie with some chunks. We accept that. But the reason for that is we're blended. So we have his and hers. Jim has two daughters. I have a son from one marriage and two daughters from a second marriage. So we're very, it's complex. And then our two, uh, Jim's two daughters married, two men that had children from a prior marriage. And so we have three grandchildren that instantly became grandchildren because we call our grandchildren grandchildren, but they came from other marriages. So our grandchildren are blended. And we've have adoption, we have in-laws, we have exes, we have the all the social categories in our family. And so we thought it's like a smoothie. All these things get thrown in there, and God makes something beautiful out of it.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Yeah, doesn't he? I mean, that's amazing. That I I'll be honest, I lost track a little bit there. There's a lot of connections. It is, it is, but it is not to jump anywhere too far forward, but it's a reflection of the kingdom of God, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 3:24

Yes. Uh Revelation 7:9, that the church is God bringing people from all other nations and tongues and languages and backgrounds together into the church. It is the really the biggest, most amazing, blended family, and yeah, the messiest.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Yeah. Because that is true. And I think that's one of the unique things about family. Even even when we think about adopted children, foster kids, you know, we were talking just a couple months before this about there's a difference between your given family and your chosen family that you you pull in. But in the family of God, it's kind of all one and the same in a sense, right? That's true. We we don't get to choose who's in the kingdom. Um, we get to embrace all like all people that that God says these are my sons and my daughters. Yes. They are family. It's some you love because they're a lot like you, and some you're a little confused by because they're not much like you. And yet what it does is it causes more awe of who God is, because he is the father of all.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Yes, yes. And we learn to love by choice because I think we like to love by convenience. It feels good, it's easy, but but loving by choice, which is what God does, um, is a different thing and makes us grow. So I do think we we've grown a lot in our blended family because we've had to make intentional choices to love and to to lean in when it doesn't feel like it's coming back at you, not the way you want it or in the timing you want, that you really have to constantly choose to love and and to share forgiveness and grace and all the things because love isn't just a good feeling, right? Love is also boundaries, love is also truth speaking. And there's a there's a part of love that can feel a little painful at the time, but it's also love. Yeah. And um, yeah, learning to love fully is it's a part of what we've had to do.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Of course. I mean, I I say this at pretty much every wedding I do. You know, love is not just that abstract feeling that brought us here today. Yeah. It's a selection of choices, it's actions, it's choosing to do certain things aligned with Jesus on behalf of the other. That's what love actually is. That's right. That's right. It's both. I know we feel it, but we also can cause it. We can create it too, right? That's good. And you can do that in a family. That's amazing. Yep. Well, this book is not only beautiful on the outside. I like this cover a lot. Thank you. But the inside as well. And you've chosen to weave the Beatitudes, um, the words of Jesus, Matthew chapter five, throughout the book. What brought you to that as kind of the prevailing, not only metaphor, but but scripture that you hung on to?

SPEAKER_02 5:52

Yeah, the the actual bones, the structure, you know, the skeleton, shall I say, a very strong skeleton, because I had stories I wanted to tell. You know, to me, I wanted to write a book that celebrated what God has done in our family because 23 years of marriage and we still have much to grow. And we started so messed up. Oh my goodness, we were a mess when we started. And I really was hopeless at year two of our, you know, they say the first year is hard. No, the second year is hard because you can hang in there for a while. And then by the second year, you realize, like, oh, this is really hard. Can I? Can I endure? And to watch what God has done as we surrender to him is just, I wanted to tell that story. And I wanted to share how the things we learn along the way, but I didn't want it just to be like what I thought, or because that my family's one. There's every blended family is different. And I didn't want to say I had it figured out, and but we were counting on God and his word to lead us. And so so I asked, I really literally prayed on a walk. I asked Jesus, what words do what do you want me to use to frame this book? Because I wanted to be framed in scripture. And I prayed and prayed and prayed for quite a few days, but on this walk, he gave me the Beatitudes. And I stopped on my walk, pulled up my phone open, and looked at the Beatitudes, and I started crying because I realized, oh God, only you. You just you always have the right words for the right time. And it's like these are perfect, but now I don't even know if they're going to fit the outline that I've created. So I came home. I mean, I almost ran home. I couldn't run because my hip's bad, but I tried. And I got home, I opened up my outline and I started bawling. Wow. Because I didn't have to shift anything. No story, no illustration, no even the biblical stories I had selected to go along with my writing, they match the Beatitudes perfectly. Wow. So it's like God knew. Yeah, God knew ahead of time. And so I feel like they're they're a perfect example. This book has like four different things that it does because again, the Holy Spirit was guiding me. One is it leads us to scripture to remind us that scripture has what we need. Even if it doesn't speak directly to our situation, the universal truths that we learn from it can be applied to any situation in our lives. Yes. And what I wanted to show was that God's word can speak to any blended family, or for that matter, obviously nuclear families too, um, in a way that's unique to their circumstance. And even though it's speaking broadly. And so I it's just amazing to me how it worked out.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Yeah, you're right. It it is the frame, it's it's the skeleton, the structure throughout the whole thing. You use each of the Beatitudes with a core word throughout each each one. And it is beautiful that we can not only see that God's word is the center and can be the center of all kinds of aspects of our life, but I love how you take God's word and then you apply it uh to this specific situation. I also love that each chapter ends with like some reflection questions. You can, you know, not every book do I pause and and really want to do the reflection questions. I'm not gonna lie. But yours, I love taking some time and just really thinking through some of those things. Some parts of it, not gonna lie, I got a little too personal. And I was like, I gotta move on.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

I know that's true. Well, the very first chapter invites us to create a genogram.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

And many blended families, it, you know, if they don't know what that is, it's kind of like a family tree, but it's not a family tree because you you create the tree, which for blended families, there's no template for because every blended family is different, right? I you got tired listening to mine. It's complicated. But then on top of that, you actually connect stories of trauma, loss, uh, deep connection, lack of connection, abandonment, abuse, all the things. So you write down these relational connections, and you actually start to see patterns uh from prior generations, everything from addiction to obviously divorce, or you see patterns being repeated, and you you you you get to watch that and go, okay, how is that coming into my current context and how is that following forward to my children? And what intentional steps can I take to be a pattern breaker, you know, to to shift things uh and and start a new line, a new genogram going forward for the rest of the family. And so it's a hard exercise to do, but I've done it with people and it's big aha uh for them as they watch and they go, wow, I never saw like I saw my son totally differently after I did the genogram. Really? And I understood his story uh better because I realized like, wow, look how much has changed for him.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Right.

SPEAKER_02 10:24

Or what his position is in the family is very unique, very different than the rest. So that could make him feel special, but it also can make him feel isolated and alone because no one understands these contexts. So very helpful.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

I can remember going through an exercise years ago where we wrote out a storyline of our life, like a timeline. But it the emphasis was on kind of the peaks of your life and then the pits. And it was a really fascinating exercise to just track back to see the moments where you felt great pride, achievement, accomplishment. Um, and then the moments where you felt despair or isolation or the abandonment, like the the turning points in our life, both positive or negative. And then the the real turn was to try to find the hand of God in both of those.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Right. And it was a valuable exercise. I can only imagine what you're describing here as a genogram to do that for multiple family members, to track back multiple lineages, like family lines. That's a process. How long does something like that typically take?

SPEAKER_02 11:25

Um, it doesn't take long to draw it out. It does take time to reflect upon it.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 11:31

So you can draw it really quick. Yeah, and and sometimes you have to do a little research because you may not know, you know, some data. So it may cause you to have some interesting conversations with others about like the past. Like, okay, I remember that. So-and-so lost a child. And how did that affect everyone else? So, but it's it it takes very little time to create it. Uh, and but yeah, you can reflect on it for a long, long time. Yeah. Yeah. And it's what's really cool about it, honestly, is there there's actually science behind how our bodies actually um can carry some of in our genetic code, literally some of the history that we've had in our family. Wow. So there's been, I talk about that in the book, how there's been studies made of people who were in the Holocaust whose grandchildren uh are experiencing anxiety, depression, uh, fear, all kinds of emotions that don't match their particular context. But that came from some genetic passing down that uh then they when they look at those stories and they understand their past, they're able to deal now with, okay, this is where that comes from. That parent affected their children, those children affected, you know, the next generation. Wow. So that's called epigenetics. And um there's a wonderful book about that that I quote in my book that talks about, you know, it's not about you, it wasn't from you, it might be something from the past that you want to study. And so I think a geneogram helps us start to discover some of that. Um heal.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Yeah. There, well, I want to get to a couple sections of your book, and one of them is about cycles. We'll get to that in just a second. But before, I found some eerie similarities of my own story with your sons. In the early section, right? Kind of I have my books like dog eared and underlined so much of it, but this this movement from shame to humility. Could you maybe tell a portion of that story, whatever you think would be valuable? Uh, I I don't give away too much. I want people to pick up the book, but I do want to be able to unpack maybe just a little bit of what your experience was as his mother and your process of moving from what felt like shame to or was shame to this posture of humility that you had in order to really care for him. That's a and there's a lifelong story there. I know this isn't just uh a couple paragraphs in a book, like so. Feel free to go kind of wherever you'd like.

SPEAKER_02 13:51

Yeah, that that's actually my favorite chapter, but also the hardest one to write. Um, and it's chapter three.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:57

And that chapter tells a story, Blessed are the meek, because sometimes people translate it that way, or blessed are the humble, because it was my son's wedding occurring. This was his second wedding. And at that wedding, he had his dad and his dad's wife and his dad's children with that wife. He had us. Uh, Jim has two daughters, right? He has two stepsisters, and then his my second husband, the father of my daughters. I know you already lost. I get it. You already lost. It goes to show you there were so many people at that wedding. It was just the family. And it was like in my face, this picture of wow, the humility everyone took to come together in our backyard from all these different backgrounds. I got to be the pastor that married him, which to me was wow, I still can't believe, you know, that I'm standing there marrying my son, and there is his father, there is his first stepfather, here's his second stepfather, and the siblings that come along with that, and the beauty of the unity that we were experiencing as a group and the fun. We had so much fun at that wedding.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

And so blessed are the humble, blessed are those who understand every single one of us is broken. And my my son went from being the oldest when obviously he was born from my first marriage. Then I had two daughters. His father had two kids, a son and a daughter. He was always the oldest. And then Jim and I get married, and now two daughters come that are older than him. Yes. So he's now in the middle, and he has two siblings from his dad, two siblings from me and his stepdad, and two siblings that come from Jim and my marriage. So he's in the middle, and there's six siblings around him. I mean, his life is so complicated, his story is so complicated, and he's so humble about it. And so, of course, that in one sense brought some shame for me because as a mother, it was in my face how like my choices have affected him. I even, and I'm not gonna share that story, but in my book, I share a moment when I realized like the crashing of my choices and the pain and the difficulty that he was experiencing at a time when boys are trying to figure out who they are. Right. And so this is a conversation that he and I had when my eyes were open to like, Inez, you had a part in that, but this brought me sadness, but it also brought me shame. Yeah. And that took me time to recover from. What's beautiful is my son and I are so close. It's great. And uh he's so honest and transparent with me. He spoke into this chapter because there were some things that I had said. He goes, No, mom, that is not exactly how I felt. This is what I felt. So I corrected the chapter to really use his words and share like the recovery that we've had. And that wedding was an example of it, of watching God do what only he can do.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Yeah. It's it's odd for me as I was reading this chapter. My so my mom was was remarried as well, and I went from being an only child to then being the youngest of four. There were three others from a prior marriage on my my then stepdad's side. Um, only two of them lived with us, but I was a middle schooler. So I went from being an only child to then being in middle school to all of a sudden having being the youngest in this household of now three teenagers. It was the strangest experience, you know. I was like, I don't even know how to have siblings, let alone not be the only or be the youngest.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

It was it was wild. Um, that only lasted about maybe 18 months or or two years at the longest uh before we moved, and the others went back to their mom, and then I was an only child again. So it was this weird blip in my upbringing that gave me a taste, and I'm still connected to my my stepbrother in that way, but um it was an it was an odd experience. Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:46

So in in that chapter, I I talk about the again. This is there's psychologists who write about human connection and family dynamics and family roles. This fascinating field to understand that we all take our roles in our family. There, you know, there is such a thing as the oldest and the middle child.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

The family system is a real thing.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Family systems are super interesting, and we kind of take our positions and we stick to those positions that you you were jarred from your position for a time and then re-jarred back to it.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Right.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

Well, that means it's never quite the same. Like you, you were probably never the only child the same from that point forward. And obviously, your mom probably feels really bad about that. Just like I feel terrible that my son experienced that, right? So there's a sense, and we, you know, I have compassion for your mom because I know how that can feel sometimes of like, oh man, you know, we it's not, we don't do this intentionally. Um, but at the same time, it's your experience. Right. And having that experience has shaped you uh really as who you are today, yeah. Uh whether it's in good ways or not.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Yeah, that's true. Well, you have this beautiful sentence in here. Um, you said humility allowed it allowed us to co-create a new identity, yeah, not as fractured pieces, but as a unified whole. One of the themes that we've talked about both on this podcast and in our our gatherings, our in-person gatherings, is that anytime God creates a family, he's creating something new.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

While we get to honor and decide what we want to bring in, sometimes not decide, we bring things into that, but it is by definition something, something new. I love the co-create. Especially when you're talking about adults, adults, other adults involved, right? These are not just sometimes we experience this where we've seen blended families where there are our babies or infants and they don't quite know fully what's going on. Doesn't mean they don't feel things, but they can't comprehend everything that's happening. But you've described a situation where there's lots of adults involved, right? And teenagers have to choose. Yeah. Yes. And they're a part of the creation. Yes. Of the new thing that you guys are building, of the smoothie that you're putting together, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

What what was it behind that phrase for you? I love the co-create a new identity. Give me a little bit more from that.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

I it's emotional to me, Jared, because um I know I know so many families where there are individuals who don't want to co-create, you know, who who are either so hurt or have something that keeps them from leaning in and trying to find new connection. Um, so I am so grateful for um our children, our in-laws, uh, grandchildren who like they lean in. It they're intentional about building this sort of new thing that we call ourselves a smoothie family. It's not Jim and I alone. This is not just us saying, This is how, well, at the beginning, we were saying, this is what we want and we wish for, and we're gonna do everything we can in our power to make create the environment for this to occur and model. We can do that. But at the end of the day, they had to choose to. So when when when I say co-create, I mean our children leaned in and are continuing to lean in to this idea of being a smoothie family or being this new sort of identity of a family. Um, and so I'm uh super humbled um that I get to watch them and see I learned from them from our kids uh what they do to kind of make that happen. Yeah. Um it's it's a it's a hard work. And so yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

It is, and yet you are committed to it. Yes. And being committed, the devotion piece to it is I'm gonna stick through and knowing that it's not all gonna be easy. And yet what we're creating, creation is hard work. Yes, but it is beautiful. It's the work that that God intended to do.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Right. He he's a creator, Genesis 1, and he then calls us to be creators. And so it's casting vision for what's possible if we join together. Right. And I think that's the part that Jim and I played, which was like, look what we can be if we lean in. This is what we're willing to do. Will you join us in this? And you know, if you talk to them and interview them, uh, and they say this to us all the time, so I'm only repeating what they say. They'll say, Well, you model this for us. And I say, Okay, we did our part, but you had to do your part. And so what's really neat is to watch now our children. Uh, several of them, and and sadly, through their own divorce situation, have their blended families and to watch them model it for their kids and build unity in their family, it's amazing. It's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

The ripple effect.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Yeah, yeah. Again, that new that new direction, that new genogram that's being built because of people being intentional and surrender to God to do it.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

Yeah. Well, moving forward, you you have a section here around cycles and writing new scripts. This one spoke to me as well. Uh when there was a year, I think I was maybe 30 years old. There was a year where I had uh my son was under two years old, so he was super young. Um, my mom's uh husband at the time had had walked out on her. So this was like the a third kind of abandonment experience for all of us. And then only months later, my biological dad, who I didn't really have a relationship with, he passed away. And I went through this wild year of needing to hang on to something in order to have a different kind of an anchor point, right? And I felt in that that season that God gave me this picture of breaking old cycles and building new, a new legacy. And that phrase really carried me through years of trying to figure out how to be a dad when I've had, you know, kind of this interesting father relationship already, and trying to figure out how God wanted to be my father. I mean, it was really complex. Yeah, really complex. And yet when I got to your chapter, uh it's funny, you you you the way you phrase it is you talk about how sometimes patterns or behaviors or even little temptations from kind of the prior life or prior cycle, they they pop back into our life. To our shock. Yeah, exactly. I thought I'd pass that. Yes. Would you share a little bit more about just that either that experience or about that concept?

SPEAKER_02 23:50

Yes, it actually came from a fight that Jim and I had over kitchen mats. You'll have to read the book for that. But it's just to watch, like, oh, here I am again. Why is this happening again? And, you know, when we see these, you know, have you ever had those situations you're like, I'm sounding like my mom or like my dad? I'm saying the same thing. And I thought I never would. And then it you get a little hopeless because you think, oh, these things are just meant to keep happening and I can't get out of them. And and no, that's not true. I think they come up because they show that something's not healed, or even being you're not paying attention to it. You're not, you're not giving it the uh the work that maybe it requires us to find freedom from. Right. And for Jim and I, on that situation, we we have had a lot of conversation about that event and recognizing that the emotions that came up were really a past pattern that was coming into our relationship and examining that, maybe even grieving some of it. Sometimes we have to grieve some things so they just keep coming back because grief hasn't been addressed.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

Uh, or celebrating something and then saying, okay, is this a pattern we want to keep continuing? Yeah. That's a great question. Right? Do we want to keep this or do we want to change that? And sometimes we may obviously prayer, you know, conversations are really important. Sometimes we need help. Yeah. We may need to go to a pastor, a counselor, and say, okay, we're we're stuck here. We see seem to be repeating this pattern. We need some help out of it. And I think that's where therapy can be very, very useful. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Yeah, it is. It can be very helpful in identifying patterns. And I think your question is a really powerful one when we're talking about co-creating a new identity, to pause and to say, as a family unit, a blended family, even just husband and wife in that situation, saying, Is let's I let's call it what it is. Yeah. This is a pattern. We need to decide if we really want to continue doing this. And making that conscious and intentional decision to move forward and say, This is or this isn't, that's what creation is. That's true. You really normalize so much of this. I think that the inner artist in me loves the idea of co-creation, even the phrase that you use in rewriting the script. Yeah. I think that that is in in some ways, I wish I had that language years ago because building a legacy feels so grand. And it feels a little abstract when really it's about, well, just be a good husband and raise your kids well. Okay. I like your phrase, write the script or rewrite the script. What is it about those words for you?

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Well, it it it shows the agency. We have a lot more agency than we realize. I I think I spent a lot of life just bouncing from one experience to the other and not realizing, like, wait, I can together with God, like God is about redeeming. I mean, the whole story of scripture is God's heart to redeem and transform and and make new and make fresh and make beautiful and make good. And when we join him in it, like he's active, he's very active at that work. And so we don't have to just bounce around. Like we could look for what we can make new. In fact, even you know, those patterns that come up, sometimes when we ask the question, shoot, do we want to keep this pattern? We also have to ask the question of what are we getting out of the pattern? Good. Sometimes we're getting something out of that pattern that we need to address. Right. You know, do we feel seen when we when we pick the fight? Is there a sense of like, oh, we're connected because at least we're having some passion for each other, you know? Um, and so there's some things that we get sometimes out of our pattern. Yeah. And going to God and asking him to help us evaluate that. Like, okay, God, what is what needs to be healed? What me needs to be made new? Like just joining God and what he already wants to do and is doing. Sometimes we're just not cooperating with him. We're not, we're not listening or being guided by him. Right. And so, yeah, I think it's recognizing we have a lot of agency because we have a God who is intent on redeeming and restoring. And so, therefore, there's there's power in that.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

And so we can lean into it. Are you are you describing being more aware of our needs, recognizing the connection between our need and a previous pattern?

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

And then trying to figure out how do I get what I need from a different place or from Jesus, or is that kind of what you're or even sometimes recognizing, like in one of the stories, my father left when I was not even a year old.

SPEAKER_02 28:06

So I had abandoned abandonment issues. Um, I have, I should say. That's still a a recurring pattern for me where I can feel rejected. Rejection hits me differently. When someone treats me less than, it hits that button of like, yeah, my father felt I wasn't worth caring for. So I must be less than. Something must be wrong with me that says you can dispose of your child and not ever care for them. And so that button is there, that injury is there. I know it now. I know that when I get hit there, it hurts more, you know, more deeply. And so I can, I can have some plan of action on how to care for that. Uh, I've had conversations with Jim about when that gets triggered in our marriage. Well, he has his own, he has other things that affect him. So awareness is so important because we can see like some things can be immediately healed when we're like aware of it and we go, oh, I know where that comes from. We can address that. Some may be there. It may be there for a long haul.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

And we get to live with that wound and we know, okay, my elbow is weak. So I is that gonna be the elbow I'm gonna the arm I'm gonna use to lift some really heavy weights? No, I'm gonna try to make it strong, but understand I have other areas that are strong, I can work from that. Yeah. Um, sometimes the injury is pretty deep and it's not gonna heal a hundred percent in this lifetime. Yeah, but it can heal enough for us to make some changes.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Yeah, that's very um freeing. Yeah, it can heal and heal enough. Yeah, I I understand abandonment. I mean, I that's that's as that's a part of my story as well. And it was the thing, kind of the two parts to it, because of that backstory in my life, I didn't really want God to be father. Right?

SPEAKER_02 29:50

I I get I totally get that.

SPEAKER_00 29:52

Yeah, yes. It was like when I came to Jesus, which I was 18 years old. Jesus was, I'm like, this sounds great. You know, yeah, this is a good part of the story. And then as you get to know Jesus, how much he's connected to the father, it took me years to pray to our father. It was hard because because my understanding or interpretation of father was so earthly informed. And yet, through that year I described two things were a miracle in my life. God became father, the one and true, and the one who would really never leave me, forsake me, things like that. But also I could experience worth. Uh, that was such a thing where my own interpretation of my self-worth was so low because it was connected to the abandonment piece. And yet God wanted to undo and redeem some of those things. And I'm really appreciative of what you just said at the end there, because it's not like I walk around feeling worthy of all things. I still don't. I don't feel worthy for most things in my life. And yet I love the the Christmas hymn where we get to sing that my soul has felt its worth. Yeah. Right? That it it has felt and it does get to feel often enough that God just reminds me, I'm here.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

I'm not going anywhere. It's these little glimpses that he gives us, doesn't he?

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Yeah, very much. In fact, in my book, I talk about we're not going to reach perfection, not in this lifetime. God's working on us. Yeah, it's it's about progress, yeah, like making that progress. And for me, it's that song that says, In my father's house, there's a place for you. Yes. That song always gets me. John 14. Like, yeah, there's a place for me. You know, I'm not I'm not outside of God's home and God's heart. And so that those those whenever I get reminded of that, I get refreshed and strengthened again, you know, because in the the world wounds you and you know, you'll back go back to God. But yeah, we keep making progress.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

So good.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

Well, I know how much you love discipleship. Yes. The process or the relationship, both that comes from helping a person understand who is God and how do I have a good relationship with him, right? And what I appreciated about as you get towards the kind of towards the end of your book, you're talking about discipleship, but not in a, this is how we pray together as a family, this is the study that we do. Although that's beautiful and wonderful to build those rhythms, you're really talking about how do we disciple one another in the rhythms and the flow of life.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

Right? Yes. You have a concept where you talk about um peacekeeping versus peacemaking. Would you just spend a few minutes on that for us?

SPEAKER_02 32:18

Yes, yes. But briefly, let me say something about discipleship. Something I that really has become clear to me is discipleship happens between Jesus and his disciple. So it there's there's no grandchildren, no step-grandchildren. It's like it's it's Jesus is our our the one who disciples us. And the rest of us get to walk alongside others as Jesus' disciple.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

That's a great reframing.

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Right. And so even with our children, like we we we we can do a lot to encourage, to strengthen, to equip, right? But at the end of the day, it's a relationship between that child and Jesus, your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

Barely get my kids to brush their teeth. Like, you know, like how am I gonna get them to have a good relationship with Jesus?

SPEAKER_02 33:03

Yeah. And so it it's it's coming alongside, you know, being that sort of supporter, that mentor as we watch God do what only he can do, which is just transform a life and transform a heart. And at the end of the day, what is he doing? He's trying to make us more and more like him. I have no idea how to do that for someone else. That's great. I don't know how to do that. God knows. God knows exactly what it takes to make us like him. Right. Uh so that's a big lesson I learned is understanding that our children are in different stages in their relationship with Jesus and that I get to walk with them there, and and they're all going to be doing it differently. And God is working in each of them in a particular area uh that I may or may not be aware of. Yeah. Um, so just coming alongside.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

That's great. It's why we one of the reasons why we call them rooted facilitators. Yes. Because we're facilitating an environment in which Jesus is discipling his people. Exactly. Right? Um we also don't want them to be teachers because we don't want you to talk too much. You know, it's like create a place in which people can process and learn. Hear God's voice. Hear God's voice, share their stories, ask questions. Yeah. Yeah, that's really good. That's a great reframing. Thank you for that.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

It's been a learning for me too. Yeah. But this idea of peacemaking, uh, peacekeeping was really interesting as I was studying because, you know, blessed are the peacemakers. And I got stuck on that word. I, you know, you and I went to seminary together, you know, we go look up the word and trying to understand what it means. And I realized, ah, there is a distinction.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

You know, they're both important. Peace, peacekeeping is, you know, you can sh keep your mouth shut, right? And not do the thing, not not get involved, but peacemaking requires you to lean in. Sure. Like, like really wanting to actively um make a difference, getting vulnerable, uh, being having that tough conversation, uh, being willing to speak the truth and and yet with a lot of grace. I mean, there's it's harder to bring peace into a situation versus keeping peace in a room. And so in the book, I talk about that difference and and how God wants us to be peacemakers. He wants us to come in and actually um engage in creating peace. Uh, Paul talks about do what you can to keep the peace, but Jesus says, join me in creating peace, creating shalom, creating wholeness, bringing things that were broken back together. Right. And I tell a story of my stepdaughter and I getting into a situation that was really painful and broke our peace, and both of us coming together and seeking to bring uh peace in our relationship. And we were successful. It not always happens that way. I mean, you could do all your part, and maybe the other side isn't willing to do their part or can't for whatever reason. And so it may not necessarily reach the peace, but we're called to try. We're called to do our part. Yeah. To as much as it depends on us.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

I'm so appreciative of there's such an uh an action orientation to everything that you've written and what you shared today. This is not about I just go away and I work on myself, and then I just sort of hope others are benefiting from the betterment of myself. There's an action. We're gonna co-create, we're gonna rewrite, we're gonna peace make peace. Right? That's a there's a there's a real orientation that you're sharing about actually getting in. How so how do you? I mean, let me just ask, even in an environment in inside of your own home, I understand, I think, peacekeeping, which is I'm not gonna, if I don't need to speak up, I'm not going to, I'm gonna pick my battles, I'm going to sort of work individually, even with people, to figure out how to, hey, you don't have to do that. Yeah, that's okay, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:41

What's that wise? There's nothing wrong with that. Of course. Right. That's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Right. And even because you referenced Paul. Yes. That's we would say it's scriptural too. Yes. Right? There is a beauty in peacekeeping. But give me just a little bit more on how do we, let's say somebody listening says there's a lot of conflict in our home, there's a lot of strife that's happening interrelationally, maybe with an extended family. How does somebody take a couple of practical steps towards peacemaking?

SPEAKER_02 37:06

Yes. So I read a book uh by Chris Voss called Never Split the Difference, and it's about negotiating. He his he was a hostage negotiator.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Have you ever heard a podcast with him?

SPEAKER_02 37:16

Oh my gosh, it's so good. And he talks about hostage negotiating, how the negotiator has to understand the most important thing is to save the hostage. The bank got robbed. Uh, there's all kinds of elements going on. There's obviously that the law was broken, all those things are important. But at the end of the day, he wants those hostages to survive. And so in our relational struggles is understanding what is it, what is the hostage. And so, like, for example, with my daughter, and that's the example I use in a book, uh, our relationship was the hostage. Our conflict, which was outside of that, right, was threatening our relationship and had our relationship held hostage. And in the words she said to me was, if you love me, you won't do blank, blah, blah. And so there was a, I had to prove myself. Do I, you know, do I really love you? If does it mean I have to not do this in order to show you my love? And at the meeting, I told her right up front, I brought a uh olive branch to our meeting. We met at a coffee shop, and I said, I want to save our relationship. We have a conflict, we want to talk about that, but for me, the most important thing is our relationship. So, how do we have this conversation that keep our relationship?

SPEAKER_00 38:29

That's great.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

And I was able to speak honestly about I still have to do this, but I can also love you. And those two things can be true, even though to you they don't seem like they are. And so we got through that. Oof, it was hard.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

I know I I remember reading that that story um in here and just the the way you described, we're in a busy setting, and yet it's just us right here. And we've all had those those moments in our life where we have to decide, am I against the person or are we against the thing that's trying to violate our relationship? That's right. You know, that's a marriage counselor thing where we often want to be face to face with each other. That's what confrontation means. It means coming face face to face. And when you do face to face, it can feel so about the person as opposed to, hey, let's let's discuss the thing that's bothering us. Let's sit next to each other so we can put it on the coffee table in front of us.

SPEAKER_02 39:23

We're unite it in it.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Yes, we're not gonna sit next to me, we're gonna talk about that thing. I'm not talking about you. You're not talking about me, we're talking about this thing. That's a little bit what I'm getting from you.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Yes, yes, yes. And it can be very hard because the thing is affected by the person. And so, you know, sometimes that too. You're trying to find the language to use so the you doesn't come out, you know, right? But and so it's not easy. And this is where, again, you you know, blessed are. By the way, this term blessed, uh, makarios in the Greek, it's it's a word that means flourishing and happy and whole. There's a there's a beautiful thing that happens when we trust God to do things his way. So it's a mystery, but God says this is how we flourish. If we're willing to lean in, even if it's gonna be a little messy and it's hard to do, flourishing can come out of it and we can trust him to help us do that.

SPEAKER_00 40:14

That's awesome. Yeah. That's so good. Well, just as we close, I would love, I mean, there's probably an an endless amount of things you could say here. But I'm just curious, what is, if you could punch it out, a thing that God taught you about you, your relationship with him, or this beautiful, smoothie family that you're building. What did what did God teach you about himself and all of the things that you're working through?

SPEAKER_02 40:38

Well, yeah, on the spot here, I would say how because God is a good creator and he's so intentional in making good things out of broken things, when he has invited me and I have said yes, uh, because that's hard sometimes to do, because we feel like, no, I don't want to do that. Uh when we say yes and we lean in and then to watch what he can do with that obedience, with that the meager offering of the bread and the fish that we offer, I get so inspired to go at it again. Okay, God, what are we gonna do next? You know, what's the next thing you want to, or we're in a conflict. I I now ask this question when we're in a family conflict. Okay, I'm gonna watch God how you're gonna work in this one. How is how is this gonna work? Or or what is my part in it? So I'm a little more excited about it. Not that I like conflict, I don't, but I have a different view now. I see that God is always at work in any situation, no matter how complex and hopeless it seems to us. In fact, probably the more complex, the greater work God is doing in there, that I look for it.

SPEAKER_01 41:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 41:43

And so that I would say that would be my most encouraging thing, which is why I wrote this book. I want blended families to step out of the hiding and understand that they have something to share with the rest of the world to the extent that they've seen God at work in their messy story. Yep, there's something really beautiful we get to declare together.

SPEAKER_00 42:04

So it's amazing. Well, congratulations again. Thank you. And on behalf of all of us, thank you for not just putting this for us out into the world, but for really living it with your family and the generations of we'll be blessed because of it. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, for those hanging out with us, I hope that you'll pick up a copy of Blended and Blessed. It has been such a joy to spend some time with Inez. I'd also want to invite you to our next intentional parenting gathering. It's happening this week. It's actually uh after the 530 service, Mariner Zervine on May 2nd. We're gonna be talking about how do you launch a young adult into the world. But this is for young kids too. In fact, I've I've put together a concept here I'm really excited about about how do we describe the young adult we want to launch into the world, and then what are the hard and soft skills at every age break that you want to try to raise up in your children? It's gonna be super practical and really, really fun. Seven to eight. We'd love for you to be there for that. Inez, thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 43:04

All right, we'll see you next time.