Episode 125: Solo Shot to Right feat. J Swish

A new episode with Jordan Schmaltz.

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@butter.golf

@minnemovers

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What up, y'all? 93-1 here. Hey, I don't even know what this podcast is about, to be honest. I'm just gonna start talking and we'll just see where it goes. It's just like 115 degrees here in Arizona, and there's just nothing to do. And there's just so much dust everywhere. Like you go outside, and my lungs are full of it. It's disgusting out. It's that time of year where illegal immigrants are coming up from the Baja and robbing people. Like this dude came up to me today in the elevator and he was like, Yo, did you did you hear about last night? I'm like, What do you mean? What happened last night? He's like, Oh, there was this group of people that came in here that weren't white and were just jacking a bunch of stuff in people's cars on L2. He's like, What floor is your car on in the garage? What what are you working with? I'm like, ah, well, I got one of my cars parked on Humble Bragg on L2. But I don't think it's like, you know, it was my 96 Bronco. It's if they're gonna steal that, I mean, the only thing that's ever been stolen off of that was like the sick case on the back of the spare tire, which has like the Bronco on it. That got stole like week three. I was able to get a couple Instagram picks, but you know, it wasn't worth the price of 626 likes. But, anyways, what I'm saying is is this guy came up to me and he's like, Yeah, it's just like that time of year where there's nothing going on, and people think they can get away with just coming in here to our building's garage and and stealing shit. I'm like, wow, fuck, man, that's tough. Like, would he steal out of your car? He's like, Oh man, my credit cards, his girlfriend had just got him like this really expensive flashlight. And then he mentioned, like, he went on a like a sex toy rant, and I was like, dude, what are you what are you talking about? But he's like, anyways, yeah, they they stole a bunch of other stuff out of the back of my car. I'm like, well, you know, now you got me thinking about sex toys. What other pieces of machinery could you have in there that they could want? And he's like, no, it's just like a backpack, it was a to me backpack with my credit cards in there. It's not a big deal. They only charge like 15 or 20 grand. I'm like, 15 or 20 grand since the time that they allegedly broke into these cars at like five or six in the morning. So they've had just been on a spree, just a tirade for the better part of 12 hours. I mean, that's crazy to me. And he's like, Yeah, it's just more annoying. I got to cancel like five cards. He's like, Can they but you can believe it? They went over to Safeway and spent $300 on groceries, and then they went to Target and spent three grand and then Walmart for another three grand. He's like, Then they went back to Safeway and spent $1,500. Like, what couldn't you get in the first purchase? I'm like, I agree with you, man. And he's like, These dumb fuckers, then they went to Waymo and I don't even have Waymo. They downloaded Waymo and they went into a Waymo. And I'm thinking, aren't Waymo's filled with cameras? I'm like, yeah, they they probably are, man. It's like walking into a low-lit motel. You know, one way or the other, they're gonna get their porn. So he ends up, you know, having to deal with that all day. And short story long, here is what I'm saying is it's just that time of year, man. It's that time of year where nothing is going on. Like stealing is a really big hobby right now. You know, most of the time, those Mexican dudes, they're out on the pitch playing football, but it's too hot for that. So you got to do something else, man. You gotta steal. And they ain't stealing second. No, they're they're stealing real shit. So it's one of those times, man, where it's just so goddamn boring down here. I've been here for like 10 days, I want to say. 10 days might be too long. I think 10 days is too long. I'm all cooped up, man. I I said it yesterday, I forget where I said. I think I was on a video I didn't post uh because I was just like, I'm just I'm just overkilling. You know, like when you're trying so hard that you need just to stop trying, and then it comes back to you. That's what I felt like in the content game. Like the last couple weeks, I've been going ham, John Ham, Ham's beer, ham and cheese, just ham, no ditty on it, no oil. But I was like, you know what? I don't need to post another video. Like, let's just let it breathe. Like, like a nice bottle of Kemus or boxed wine. You just you gotta let it breathe. So I didn't end up posting that video, but what I was saying in that video is other than sometimes life's about not trying, I think that you can't do much here. I just get bored. And like I said, I don't even know where I'm going with this because I lost that train of thought as I'm talking to myself. It's harder to talk to yourself than you think, and I'm just kind of using this as rep. So thank you for all the 43 people that are listening. But I was so fucking bored and just cooped up. Oh, that's what I was saying, man. I was saying I'd rather be in Winnipeg as a homeless dude, one of those native homeless dudes that are really tough, like tougher than a $2 steak outside in January than being in Scottsdale in August. But my point is, is you just can't do anything and you just get these ideas. And I think like Carl Jung or one of the old school philosophers back in the day, Rosa Parks or Nelson Manfella or Socrates or one of those Greek dudes said, like, boredom is the birth of creativity, which I do believe, but boredom can also be the birth of insanity. And not that I'm going insane by any means, I actually feel pretty good. I did yoga this morning, thank you. A little yin to the yang. But I'm an active guy and I like to be outside and I like to be moving and shaking because motion is lotion. And now it's just like, dude, there's just no entertainment going on. Like, I'm not gonna go sit in a movie theater and eat shitty popcorn and roast farts into some disgusting seat that someone's probably banged on before at this movie theater and suck down a Slurpee for three hours to watch Sean Avery and Odyssey respectfully. It's just not what I'm gonna do. But I was thinking, man, like, do I gotta go to a drag brunch and just go full Mrs. Doubtfire, go full Caitlin Jenner before they were able to commit to it? Not that I'm thinking about batting on the other side of the plate, it's just like I need some excitement. I need to laugh. I need to go to maybe a drag brunch, like I said, and stuff a bra Victoria's Secret bombshow with just some some fucking watermelons, dude, and just push them together and see if anybody will hit on me. I mean, I got the wigs already. I could go get some chin filler. There's a med spa in every corner here. There's more med spas and convenience stores. I could do that, man. Then I could go get like, you know, put some lipstick on. I already got lipstick from you're looking at the flying Egyptians. But I don't know, man. I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's the dog days. I'm just getting reps right now. Everyone's getting reps, dude. Get reps on your side piece, your girlfriend, your wife. Like, just get the reps. Just rep it out, man. Repetition. It's all about repping it out. I'm getting out of here Tuesday, I think. Gonna go back to the Midwest, need it. Just gotta get the fuck out of here. This place, man. I'm I I mean, I'm surprised I haven't listed my place already on Zillow, just ready to get the fuck out. Arizona's nice, man, but they don't tell you about Arizona is Arizona doesn't get nice until probably October, like right around when Arizona gets really slutty for bachelorette parties and Halloween. That's when it gets nice out. And then it stays probably until man, this year it was getting into the hundreds, like around April. Like it was triple digis, bruh. Triple digis, dog. So I don't know. I don't know where I'm going. I might go get just a map of the US and just put a blindfold on, like a pair of panties, and just throw a dart and see where we end up. But shit. What else we got? Mediterranean restaurants. Yeah, that's where I'm going. Why is a new fad? Mediterranean restaurants. Mediterranean food has never been good. Mediterranean food is mid. Mediterranean food is maybe one notch up of barbecue. And you know how I feel about barbecue. Dude, the best barbecue in the world is dog shit. You would never find someone in the right, sane mind and a rational brain to be like, yo, on my deathbed, I want barbecue. Like that's gonna be my last meal is just some brisket, some burnt ends, some fucking pulled pork, some Kansas City style ribs. No, dude. Nobody's eating baked beans, coleslaw, and fucking roasted turkey and brisket and just bubble gutting their way to a death. No, dude. Nobody's doing that. Okay. So don't even get me started with barbecue, but Mediterranean food, that's on the same sort of wavelength. That is in the same, not in the same family, but like if barbecue got divorced, they're marrying a Mediterranean. Like that's just what it is. Like they're not going for anything else. That is what a conjoint dysfunctional family looks like. Barbecue and Mediterranean food. And why is every new place? I mean, you even see it in the biggest cities. I'm talking about Scottsdale. I'm talking about LA, Diddy Wood, I'm talking about New York City. I'm talking about places, Miami, Chicago. Everything's Mediterranean. I know the Mediterranean diet, right? It's good for you. It's the keto diet. Yeah, of course. It's a bump before dinner. It's an espresso martini. And then you get some lamb skewers. You have a little bit of balsmati rice. I think that's how you say it. Balsmati rice. And you call it good. You get a little bit of that Tziki sauce. And fuck, maybe if you're really feeling crazy, you get a gyro. But probably not even that. Like white bitches, they're not getting that. They're getting that Greek salad that's disgusting with cucumber and feta. They're going to take a picture of that. They're going to get a four-ounce meat skewer. They're going to eat, they're going to share one with their sorority sister, and then they're going to get on the dust, smoke a cigarette, and they're not even hungry anymore. That is why Mediterranean diets are big right now, is because people starve themselves and they want to be skinny. People don't actually like the food. No. It's just because the fact that the other substances they're putting in their body are preventing them from eating anything else. That is the whole thing about Mediterranean food. That's what they don't tell you. It's not like anyone really wants Mediterranean food. No, they want to be able to do narcotics, a little bit of nicotine, that'll kill their diet. And then they can drink while saying, well, you know what? I put a little bit of something in my stomach, but why did I black out so easy last night? I don't know. Could have been the 10 drinks and the cocaine you put in your system. But no, let's blame it on we didn't eat anything. Eating has always been cheating. Mediterranean food, dude. Are you kidding me? Don't even get me started. I'm started. You started the lawnmower on Mediterranean food, man. Mediterranean food. I mean, that place in New York City, though, is pretty sick. If you ever get to go, Medusa, fella. It's like a jungle when you walk in there. I don't know if anyone's been to Tokamadera and Scottsdale, but it's kind of similar vibes, but it's Mediterranean, Greek. Get me to the Greek, man. Yeah, they break plates. People are doing key bumps. You go into the bathroom, and you know a place and an owner does cocaine. This is how you tell. They don't have either the women's and the men's bathroom separate. No, they just have like 15 stalls, individual stalls lined up, and they have the community washers with your hands like on each side of the wing. And there's like 15 stalls that they have. It's like the good kind of stalls, too, right? Where the door goes all the way to the bottom and all the way up to the ceiling, and they're usually soundproof. And you get like two or three people in there. And that is how you know the owner of that establishment encourages cocaine. And you can't convince me elsewhere. It's not like anyone's taking a shit in public, and especially females. You wouldn't even want to think about that. Dudes, too. Dudes that go to those places, they have the TikTok haircuts, they're probably wearing makeup, they have lipstick and chin filler, all of that on. No, everyone brought a vial into that area, and everyone is on the same wavelength. If you stay in that bathroom for longer than 35 seconds, you're doing dust. And sometimes you can even hear it because they're doing it so violently. I mean, I've had dudes go in there and literally it sounds louder than a Dyson vacuum. I mean, we're talking like legitimate sounds like a snowblower. That is why those bathrooms are implemented in places, is because, yes, they encourage doing dust. So a place like that in New York City is for sure, you know, that's why they have it. They have a lot of those in Toronto. It's a great snow city. I'm not a I don't really give a fuck what you think about me, to be honest. I really don't. But I was never a cocaine guy. I will I joke about it. Absolutely. But the key has been always hung up. Have I smoked dope? Yeah, of course. Who hasn't? Mushrooms? You'd be a nerd not to try them. Narcotics, man, never really my thing. But I do love a nice whiskey. And I've been on this new phase or this new fad where and a beer and a dirt every now and then. I mean, I'm fucking human, dude. That's porn. But I've been on this new, new kick uh last probably three or four weeks of no drinking, and I feel great. My energy is incredible. No peptides, no steroids, just old school lifting, yoga, tennis, pilates. And it's crazy, man. It's I don't know. Like it's crazy how in front of the eight ball one would say you can be when you're off the piss. I'm gonna get back on the piss, though. I just don't know when. I'm not if I'm gonna get on it this weekend because I'm again, you know, I don't know when I'm gonna be back here, especially when I sell my place. But I don't know. Maybe the dirty dog's calling my name this weekend. You know, the craziest thing about the dirty dog, and for people, like all like I said, all like 60 people listening, maybe not even, the dirty dog saloon down here, Scottsdale and Shea, the bouncer outside of it is this dude that's actually a beauty. He's got one of those uh, you know, a lot of times like dudes that have a braided beard have have probably at least attempted to kill somebody. I'm not saying he's he's killed anybody, but for sure he's been in that scenario where, like, you know, thinking about killing somebody or like assisted in killing somebody. You know, like he was probably like, you know, if if Crosby and Malkin are playing together, he's like the Malkin, right? Like he's kind of like, you know, the right-hand man. Like he's the Scotty Pippin to this murder, right? If MJ's the killer. And he always looks at your license and you hand it to him, and he's like, Thanks for being a donor. And then to the the chicks, you know, he's like, thanks for being a donor. And if they say anything flirtatious, which could literally just be saying, like, hi, he's like, Do you want to see my nipple clamps? And not only are his nipple clamps on him at all times, along with the unlicensed firearm, the nipple clamps are attached to his chain wallet, which I always thought was really interesting because I don't know if they're like emotional support nipple clamps, you know, because they could be that too, right? Where if, you know, sometimes you just need to pinch your own nipples to feel alive. Like I've seen women lactate in the frozen food section at Whole Foods all the time, just because you know they're not getting any action at home or maybe they're divorced. But I always found that interesting of a guy that has nipple clamps on his chain wallet. That's always like, you know, you know, I just question it. Like, do they have to be on a chain? And why do you always have nipple clamps on you? You know, like is there that many the supply is there? Definitely you could go buy them, you know, wherever at a Fascinations or Spencer's in the mall. But is the demand there for women walking into a biker bar to get their nipples pinched? I don't know. I mean, by a random stranger that might be in Hell's Angels. I don't know. I mean, it's it's definitely up for debate whether that is real or not, but that's crazy to me, man. I I don't know. It's I always look at that guy, I'm just like, damn, dude, like where are the bodies at? And like I say, like I'm I don't I'm not accusing anyone of killing anyone, but I could see that dude, you know, being around a murder, right? Just not like a KKK way where you know they have like a ceremony, but just taking out another biker gang and he pulls up to assist it, kind of thing. Like he pulls up in a garbage bag, so there's no physical evidence of him being there. I don't know. It's just something to think about, but yeah, that's what I got on that. I don't know if I mean I don't know how many like legit how many people are gonna watch this. I also don't really care if I'm being completely honest. I love everyone that tunes into all 18 podcasts I'm on, and I'm actually looking for hire as well. So if you know anybody in the market, preferably not for pay, please let me know because that'd be awesome. I would, I would love to uh I want another job, man. I'm I'm I'm hungry. Uh I want to work for free. I've done it, I did it for my first two years. I'm finally getting paid to do this. I don't, by all accounts, I I don't know how we've built a fan base or or anyone that actually follows us, you know. That's actually funny too. That's that's a funny point. Um, over the 4th of July, we had our whole family in town, and you know, we're all hanging out. We have Rib Fest on the Saturday, Friday night, we had a great dinner. If anyone's ever in Madison, Wisconsin, Toby's dude, go to Toby's, get the sweet old fashioned, and say hi to Krista. Speaking of getting your nipples pinched, so touch your nipples, your butt, and she will rub your wrench just to get a gauge of how big it is, and to see maybe after her shift, after two or three white Russians, you know, if she'll just have you stick it in her in her 97 Dodge Ram pickup bed. But that's another story. My point is, and I'm going back to is I thought this was funny, and I I truly don't take this respect or disrespectful. I just thought it was hilarious at the time. Was, you know, we we had a great weekend. It was Friday, Saturday with the fam, Sunday as well. Um, and then everyone kind of got out of town Monday and Tuesday. And as I was saying goodbye to my grandparents, my grandma looked at me and was like, yeah, well, just uh, you know, and and she's getting older now too, and probably been out of the loop respectfully for a little bit of just what I do, let alone her own coconut politely. And I hope she doesn't see this, but it's no disrespect. Um, sometimes she just is a little bit off sides. That's baseball, and sometimes porn comes out of her mouth. But she basically said, she's like, Yeah, well, sounds good. We, you know, your mom and dad are coming up to Bismarck in September. Um, let me know if you're gonna come and let me know if you get a job by then. I go, get a job, yeah. I mean, I guess I don't really have a job, but I think I do. I mean, I get paid to talk. I've been on NHL Network, we do comedy clubs. I mean, it's the biggest show in the world at North East Scottsdale that reps all the non-binary gays, like and black people and white, of course. This is all inclusive over here. I'm like, I think I got a job. Uh but yeah, I'll I guess I'll let you know if I maybe I don't have a job. Maybe what I'm doing isn't a job. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I guess I'll just let you know. I guess you just think I'm unemployed and live on a couch. That's perfect too. Yeah, I mean, as long as you love me for who I am and you can handle me, I guess, technically at my worst, I guess maybe maybe I don't. Maybe I should just never work. But yeah, I always thought that was funny. Get a job. I yeah, I mean, I I think I got a job. I I question myself, I'm sitting there like eating waffles. I'm like, dude, do I do I have a job or no? Anyways, yeah, uh Schubert Theater, October 3rd. It's only a 1500 seater, no big deal. Um then Chicago Park Theater, December 3rd, another theater. No big deal. Yeah, we came a long way, baby. But yeah, man, I just thought that was funny. Speaking of jobs, and like I said, I don't have a LinkedIn, but if anyone's for hire, man, I'm I'm in. I'm I'm down to work. You know what the funny thing is, is I was looking at this kid today that signed with Pittsburgh. He has 45 games played, roughly. Okay, I think he has two goals, five assists, seven points. At that point, 45 odd games. Jay Swish up for a contract, had five assists, no goals, a couple in the preseason. How are you? Had a breakaway in the preseason, last preseason game of the year, full lineup in Washington, breakaway shorthanded, beat Oshi off the wall, burned Carlson down the wall, poked it off his stick, actually, and then went five cheese on who was the goalie, Holpey at the time. How are you? I've tried to find that tape some nights when I'm stoned. I can't find it. Damn. But this kid from Pittsburgh, okay, Vili Kwivenen. I actually played against him when he was in Finland. He played for Olu, which I love Olu. We used to have the Battle of the North and the South, which was Helsinki, where I played. I'm known as the fella there. Not a big deal, literally known as the fella. And Olu Karpat. He was actually a good player, a young kid at the time. He's still young. But this kid gets 32 million. Okay. Eight years, four bananas a year, 32 million. 32 million dollars for seven points, 40 games. I mean, that's talk about a nice return on your investment as a player. And Kyle Dubis, who traded for me back in the day, which I always will respect Duby, even though he won't text me back, I've only tried twice. He's a nerd, good guy, good guy, nerd, good guy, nerd. Jay Swish probably thinks I'm beauty overload, probably thinks I'm this persona that he doesn't want to associate with. Whatever. I think if we had a beer and we sat down and we got together, we could find common ground. I mean, he's a smart guy, I'm a smart guy, I'm probably smarter. Um, but that's besides the point. Eight years, 32 million. That's a good sheet, man. For 40 games, good on that kid. And I will say good agent. Man, if I would have got half of that, eight, I would have taken eight years, 16. I would have taken eight by eight. And I'm not saying sixty four million, I'm saying eight years, eight million total. For 42 games in, man, damn, what a sheet. Koivanen, 23 restriction. Free agent. That's where the game's going, man. That's where porn is going. They're gonna pay you up front. Porn used to be paid on the back half, man. Literally on your back half. You follow that? Now porn's paid up front, man. It's paid on the front porch, not the back porch, dude. That's porn, man. That is porn. But yeah, good for that kid. Eight years, 32 bananas. Hopefully, HB3 gets something like that with Book It and Price Picks as we come up to negotiations. Chinese will drop Sunday, and then awesome Matthews, Clayton Keller versus J Swish, Bob Gucci. 18 hole parts three, sometime, I think early September. But that's what we got, man. Yeah, I just wanted to get on here, talk a little bit of shit, you know, hang out, and do a solo episode, man. I think this is cool. I think it's a different skill set. I think anytime you're working with anyone, right? If it's me and Obes on curfew, it's a different gauge of uh different tape-to-tape, right? And then it's if it's me and Gucci, that's more so comedy-based, and it's just like us just fucking at a bar sitting down. And then I got my guy me and Ozzo. You know, we're both playing off the puck, but playing on the puck. So I think it's always cool, just the different dynamics of learning how to communicate. I think it's way different. I mean, I even coached a hockey camp a couple weeks ago, and just talking to kids, that's a totally different dynamic. You know, you're not going full Epstein or something like that, but just being able to communicate with younger kids and try to get your point across, really dumb it down, slow down your cadence, not drop all this terminology and and references and be really stupid simple. And I think that furthered my communication, and that's why I wanted to do it, is because you need to learn to finesse on all sides of the ball. That's baseball. So I just think it's cool. Like to do different shows. Um, solo shows are way different. You have to have an absolute typewriter jaw, you have to talk to yourself in a living room. Comedy shows, you're trying to be funny, hockey-oriented shows like curfew, where OBS kind of drives a bus, and I kind of stick handle my way through and and find different seams and try to find him in the slot and set him up for one-timers, where me and Gucci are kind of more going east-west with the puck. And then my boy Ozzo, the captain, where I'd say he's the veteran presence and stay-at-home D, and I'm rushing the puck up the ice, but I know he's always gonna have my back, and we're never gonna get scored on, and he's gonna be there to play tough and block shots. So it's always just cool kind of piecing together different shit, man. That's kind of all I got. I gotta go to dinner. I'm going to a spot, no free ads in AZ called Amelia's good little spot. Usually some trim there, too. Uh single dudes that are just looking to mix it up. Not saying you go in there and be weird, but uh scratch kitchen, no seed oils, no diddy oil, GMO, non-grass-fed, cage-free, binary-free, pronoun-free chicken. Some of the best meals uh you can get, especially for breakfast. Yeah, I don't know, man. That's what I got. Drop a comment. Let me know if you like this. It's about 30 odd minutes of just some random bullshit coming out of my mouth. And I wanted to give myself more so just a different look. And yeah, we'll keep playing baseball out here. 93 1, Jay Swish. We out. Woo!