Trauma Therapists Explain How To Have Difficult Conversations With Children | #TRIBE Talk - Ep. 28

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore how to approach difficult conversations with children in a way that feels safe, supportive, and trauma-informed. Whether the topic is loss, family history, behaviour, or past experiences, these moments can feel daunting for adults—especially when there’s a fear of saying the wrong thing or causing distress.

Through a trauma-informed lens, this episode focuses on how to create the right conditions for these conversations to happen. We discuss pacing, emotional safety, and how to respond to children’s questions and reactions with honesty and care. Rather than avoiding the hard stuff, we explore how thoughtful, supported conversations can strengthen relationships, build understanding, and help children make sense of their experiences over time.

Check Out Our Life Story Work Courses On Having Difficult Conversations Here: https://www.lifestorywork.com/

Episode Highlights:

• Why avoiding difficult conversations can increase confusion and anxiety
• How to create emotional safety before, during, and after conversations
• The importance of timing, pacing, and following the child’s lead
• How to talk honestly without overwhelming or overloading
• Responding to big emotions during difficult conversations

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Tribe Talk everyone. I'm Laura Neal and today I'm joined by Kim Matthews, our life story lead, and we're going to be talking about how to have difficult conversations with children. Welcome to Tribe Talk, the space for parents, carers and practitioners to explore trauma-informed care in practice. So very often, if you're in a caring or professional role, you will have to have difficult conversations with children. There could be a number of topics, I think, that could contribute to difficult conversations, which we'll cover in a moment. But what we know from supporting many parents, carers, and professionals is this is something that comes up time and time again and that people are worried about, people don't always have confidence in doing. So we thought we'd do a podcast on it to just provide a little bit of information. So Kim, can you start us off? What are difficult conversations? What are the types of topics that might come up?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Yeah, like you said, they can be so varied in a number of different ones, but this could range from within our care experience population: why is contact changing? Why do I have to move from where I'm living? Why can't I see my parents? Where are my siblings? What's happening with them? What's going on? Um, and then things like bereavement or why is my family separating? Why doesn't daddy live with us anymore? Why is where's mummy gone? Um, it doesn't just have to be within our care experience population that these difficult conversations are happening. They could be happening in everyday life. Um, talking about illness, talking about people who are really poorly and and maybe have have died recently. All of those things can come up for our young people and cause such confusion, but be really scary for us as grown-ups to talk to them about.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Yeah, and it's huge, isn't it? Just some of those topics as you were saying them then. Um it's so emotive as a whether you're a parent or a carer or a professional going into that situation. It it's very emotive, some of those things, and it they'll mean different things to us as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Absolutely, and oftentimes they're all entangled, so you won't just have one of those topics to talk about. One will lead to another one and will cause further disruption and further questions to come, which really can be heavy for us as adults to manage and to think about, let alone for our young people to navigate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Um so thinking on that, um, so for many of the children we support, there have lots of different people in their lives. They might have a parent, they might have a carer, it could be a range of professionals from like education, social care, um, and for other young people, they will only have their parents. But who um who would you say needs to know how to have these conversations? And who are the people who should be having these conversations?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

I'd say everyone needs to know how to have them because we don't know as adults when we're going to be faced with a situation where that question would would come to us, or when our role or our um interaction with a young person might warrant a difficult conversation coming up. Um, but what's key when it's really difficult conversations is a relationship. Our young people need to feel safe to feel their feelings, to ask questions, to challenge, to be upset, and and feeling safe to do that only comes within a trust and and safe relationship. So I would say that is the key thing, first of all, is trying to establish that relationship. Which sorry, which can be really difficult. Yeah, I was gonna say sometimes we can be too close, um, and those conversations are really hard for us to have, so we may need to be supported by somebody else. But we still need to know how that conversation is happening, what's been included on it, and then how we can support it afterwards, because very rarely, or for any of us, but particularly for young children, very rarely is it going to be a one-off conversation. They're going to revisit it, they're going to ask more questions. So even if you're not the one having the difficult conversation, you're likely to have a question or see a behaviour shift or see some emotions that are related to that. So knowing what was said and then how to follow up on that are going to be crucial for for everyone involved.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

And you just said um you started off with saying about relationships. Um, so even if you're not the person having the difficult conversation with the young person, if you are the person who's got the relationship, then you should be part of that so that you can support them afterwards.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah, you're gonna be the one that notices how they're taking that information. They might appear on the surface to have accepted it, but actually what you see in their behaviour or their conversations later on might suggest something really different. So, yeah, being aware and alert to those signs that that they're struggling with that information or they're processing it um at a different time is going to be really key for you to pick up on, even if you're not the one delivering that information.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

Yeah. I think this will come into the next point we're gonna talk about, which is when to have these difficult conversations. So thinking about um how old a child is, where they are in terms of like if they're in care, it could be their care experience journey. If they're not in care, it could be um what's been happening around them. So um, but the big question is when, when do you have these conversations?

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Yeah, I think our kind of key go-to point for that is going to be as early as possible. Um, what we see with our young young children is the longer we leave information without telling them, often the harder it is for us as adults to start the conversation, um, but also the harder it is for our young people to hear it and the more damage that can happen to that trust and relationship if we withhold information for a long time. So the depth and the intensity of those conversations will definitely have to take into consideration, like you said, things like their age, their stage of development. We're not going to have really complex conversations with very little ones. But we do want to start setting that scene and having some form of conversation with them as early as we can. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

As you were talking and I was just thinking of um a situation where uh parents might be separating, for example. Um, and what we would what we see is that children pick up on those things fairly early on. So the earlier that you can have those discussions in a supportive way, in a child-focused way, um, the more supportive it's going to be for the child, even though it's very, very difficult information to share because they will be noticing.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Yeah. And if we don't talk about it, we're not given permission for them to ask their questions or raise their observations, and they will typically then find themselves thinking it's not okay to talk about, and actually, everyone around me is shying away from this topic, so I better not talk about it, I better not ask my questions. Um, and we know that those conversations or those questions remain inside, they're not not happening, but they're not being um verbalised, and that can cause real difficulties for our young people when they're keeping it all in.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

One of the things um I wanted to talk about was uh personal judgment as well. Um, so this is something that I think that comes up from parents uh a lot is well, um somebody needs to tell me when to do this, and I think for the people who are closest to the young person, so parents, um, it could be carers, for some of our young people, it actually be a teacher or somebody in school. Their judgment on when is the right time is really important as well. Um, so we can give all the all of the guidance possible, but those people who know the child best, they can get a feel and a sense for when um when that child can manage the information and how to deliver it as well, if they've got the right training and skills to be able to do that. So yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

They need those fundamentals, they need the how we create that narrative or how we have that conversation. But the when does need to be down to so many other environmental factors. So, what's going on for you as the adult delivering it, what's happening within the household or within the school environment, or within is is it coming to the holidays? Would that be a better time? Would that be a worse time? The environment is so many variables for each child that we have to use our personal judgment and discretion in when is the right time, but based on that informed knowledge that we get through training and through guidance from other professionals first.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yeah. Um, so in terms of how you have these difficult conversations, where do you start? What where would be your foundation of where do you where do you even start thinking about this? I think the first thing is start small.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Um think of those very basics that you have to have. What is the absolute crux of what you need them to understand by the end of the conversation? Really start with with that. What do they need to know to understand the difficult topic that you're going to be talking about? Um, and yeah, really starting from there. They're not going to understand some of the more complex dynamics or um yeah, the difficulties of the of the situation if they don't understand those fundamentals. So going right back to basics, what do we need them to understand to make sense of the information that we're going to tell them?

SPEAKER_01 9:28

So to give an example of that, in something like a bereavement, if a bereavement has happened, we would need a child to first understand um what death is. Yeah. Um to be able to understand uh a conversation like that. So unless they've got those foundations, they're not going to be able to understand the conversation that you're going to have with them. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

And then it becomes like build-in blocks. What's the next thing? What's the next thing? And then actually, by the time we're building up to tell them the really difficult thing that we've we've avoided, lots of our young children will be be with us on that journey, will be kind of making sense of of those pieces for themselves, and and oftentimes we find when we're supporting professionals to deliver this, our young people get to the conclusion before the adults even got there because we've set those scenes, we've laid those foundations so well, um, that they're able to connect and join the dots for themselves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Um, and it in respect of that as well, there's lots of very helpful books out there on different topics. So if you're thinking, if you have to discuss bereavement, for example, there's books on that. If you have to discuss puberty, there's books on that. There's really, really helpful books on almost every topic that you can think of. Um, many of them are actually available on our therapeutic stories channel.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Yeah, there's lots of kind of practical how-to's. Um so to to give you like really hands-on practical advice. But before you even get there, when we're talking about starting small, just having some of that language in the room. And I was gonna say then that the therapeutic stories are so valuable to to bring in things like the worry saw us talking about a worry before, and it's okay to talk about a worry before you then share some difficult information that you're gonna want them to talk about. Um, there's we've just done some recent ones around um long-term illness and bereavement, and just having those words in the room, having those conversations in in the topics that you're discussing can really lay the foundations for when you start to talk about something, um, something that's really difficult, our young people have got a connection, they can make those connections for themselves through through those stories that they've heard.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

So we'll put a link in the description to um the therapeutic stories YouTube channel, but it is just therapeutic stories, so easy to find on YouTube. Um there are I think there's over 70 books on there now that there's more being added all the time. Our therapists read, um, and you can either use the YouTube channel or just use it as a prompt for the book that you want to get. Yeah. Um, so start small, um, thinking about um how you're gonna set that scene, the information they need to begin with. Um, the other thing you mentioned then is relationships, so making sure that the young person has relationships with the people around them who can be supportive.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Yeah, so whoever is having the difficult conversation, before we even bring our young people into that, having the rest of the world around them on board. Um, so it might be that you're a carer or a parent telling them, but how have you prepared school to deal with some of the questions that they might have or the shifts in behaviour? How have you prepared grandparents or or other people around our young person? Make sure that everyone's got the same language and understands what you're going to be sharing so that they can be the ones that are supporting and giving helpful feedback and um support for our young person rather than contradicting or using different language that might confuse. I think bereavement is a is a good one in that respect that everyone uses different language, uses different analogies or different similes to explain what might happen after death, but we need to be really clear with our young person and everyone using the same language to make it make sense. Um otherwise, those different conversations can provide much more confusion and clarity. Um, so really all using the same language is absolutely key.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Yeah. Um so everybody collaborating, being prepared and being on board essentially, that's around the young person. Um and we haven't actually mentioned it too much, but um, one of the points that we have uh is about training. Um, so for those very difficult conversations, whether it's um so I think if if you're a parent explaining about abbrevement in the family, there's lots of resources available. Um but for for some of our really tricky conversations around placement moves, around trauma, around um maybe multiple traumas that have happened all at once, how important is it to get training to be able to deliver some of those conversations?

SPEAKER_00 14:09

Oh, it's absolutely crucial, and I think just the fact that for more of those simple topics, like you said, bereavement is very emotive, but it it is a simple topic to discuss. Just the fact that we have to have additional read and additional resources to help us understand how to do that shows that when we are talking about more complex things, more more really um difficult topics, topics or or multiple topics all at once, that training becomes even more vital. Um and it needs to be more than just that reading or a little bit of extra research. It really does need to give us the skills and the competence to then have the confidence to deliver those conversations effectively. Um, our young people are really astute, most of them will be very hyper-vigilant as well, so they'll notice if we feel awkward, they'll notice if we're stumbling over our words, if we're not clear what we're saying. So, having that confidence in how we deliver this information, what we're gonna say, the way we're gonna say it, it'll come over to them, and we really do need additional training to be able to do that well.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

And luckily, we provide additional training.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

So it it is, and it And lots of these difficult conversations really do come into life story, and we have these conversations so frequently that they are absolutely vital for our children who've experienced trauma, but so many of the benefits can can be found by um others who maybe don't consider what they're going through as a trauma. But family separation and bereavement really do impact on our young people, they do cause their own levels of trauma for different young people. So, for anyone experiencing this disruption, life story work can be essential.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yeah. Um, so we'll put the links for the different trainings that are available in the description as well. And there are different levels, so um from your more basic right up into your more comprehensive training, also. Um, but to finish off, Kim, we've got a question um from a carer uh who asks, What if difficult discussions cause more harm?

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah, Janet, this is a conversation or a question at least that we get every single day here at the clinic, definitely in every single training that I've delivered since I've been here. Um, and I think what we need to come back to is the reality of the lived experience for our young person. They've been through that difficult situation, or they're going to go through that difficult situation. So they are gonna become aware of it, or they already are aware of it, and it will be impacting on them. Um, what they tell us and what we see is that the not talking about that causes more trauma for them. So we talked about earlier that holding those questions in, that wondering why no one's talking about it, feeling that they're holding everything and they don't want to upset or disrupt family life for the people caring for them. Those pressures are really heavy on our young people, and actually they cause more trauma to them than safely and comfortably explaining things in a really planned and prepared way for them.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Thank you, Kim. So that brings us to the end of our podcast today. So a few things to remember when thinking about having or planning difficult conversations with children. Um so the first, remember to think about their developmental stage, what they'll understand, what you need to cover first. So if there's a topic that they have no knowledge of, you're probably going to need to cover some information about that topic first before you share any difficult information. Um the people closest to the child, so the people who have the relationships with them should be there either to support if they're not delivering the information themselves, they can be a huge source of support for the young person. Remember to start small and to prepare everybody around the young person as well. Getting those messages all the same is really, really important in getting it right and making sure that different people aren't telling them different things. And for those really big discussions, the ones that we're all more concerned about, make sure that you have the appropriate training. There is training available and out there, and that can really build our confidence in delivering information that can be really tricky for children to hear. So, thank you for listening today. If you found this podcast helpful, then subscribe to Tribe Talk for more trauma informed care in practice.