PARENTS What You Need To Know About ONLINE RISK & Childhood TRAUMA | #TRIBE Talk - Ep. 29

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore the growing intersection between online risk and childhood trauma, and why some children are more vulnerable in digital spaces than others. While the online world offers connection and opportunity, it also presents real risks particularly for children whose past experiences may impact their decision-making, boundaries, and need for connection.

Using a trauma-informed lens, we unpack how trauma can influence online behaviour, including risk-taking, seeking validation, and difficulty recognising danger. This episode provides parents with a clear, practical understanding of what sits beneath online risk and how to respond in ways that prioritise safety, connection, and long-term skill development rather than fear or restriction alone.

Here is the link to TRIBE Trauma Informed Care which we mention in the podcast: https://www.tribecare.org/tribe-training

Episode Highlights:

• Why children with trauma histories may be more vulnerable online
• The link between trauma, attachment, and online behaviour
• Understanding risk-taking, validation-seeking, and boundaries
• Common online risks facing children and teenagers today
• How to talk to your child about online safety without increasing fear
• Practical, trauma-informed strategies to reduce risk
• Building trust, communication, and safer online habits over time

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Try and Talk everyone. You're here with Laura Neal and Rachel Evans. And today we're talking about what parents need to know about online risks and childhood trauma.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

So children and teenagers spend a lot of their time on technology, so on devices, on their phones, but for care experienced children, this can be quite overwhelming or even in some cases addictive, where we start to see them taking quite a lot of risks online. So what um do we need to do to keep our children safe online without the constant battles and um increasing feelings of shame? So, Rachel, what do we mean when we say taking risks online? Yeah, I think we just see quite a lot of different types of risks, and we and I think the one that comes up quite a lot are children and young people that are using um like social media trying to gain access to connection and attention with strangers, people that they never met um or never spoken to, but find themselves in this type of relationship where they feel connected to that to that individual, maybe on specific chat rooms, um which include the explicit content, sending inappropriate images or receiving inappropriate images, there's lots, isn't there?

SPEAKER_00 1:30

Yeah, there's loads, and I think um our children are so vulnerable uh vulnerable to it these days is um there's just so much going on in terms of what they can access online and unless I feel unless I'm a really shrewd parent, um it's so hard to pick up on. Yeah, um there's like I I feel like an old person, but kids these days they use things differently than we do.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

And we don't know how to like I don't use my iPhone to like its full potential, but there's so many different apps with it's not just WhatsApp or iMessenger, there's Facebook, there's Instagram, Snapchat, like where the messages disappear. Um so yeah, as a parent, trying to have some sort of supervision or control over that is so difficult.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

Yeah. And I've come across one recently, even with just WhatsApp where um numbers are shared and then young people are exchanging messages on WhatsApp um and they don't necessarily know who they're messaging. Uh so it can become it can be very tricky to monitor because there's so many different things you have to monitor, and things that you as a parent would perceive perceive as like just really innocent can turn into something that's quite dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

That's a good point because I I remember recently, I think it was around the time um there was a programme that came out on Netflix, Adolescence, I think it was called, and um that generated a lot of chatter online with um children using emojis to communicate with one another, and what those emojis actually meant when they're related to maybe drug use um or and other unsafe behaviour. So I know our team was were sharing um up-to-date information on that, like what to look out for because there's new stuff coming out all the time, and we're talking like I don't really understand all of that, you know. Um we weren't I wasn't exposed to that as as a child, as in knowing that these emojis mean different things, or these different apps that you can use. It's just getting more and more and more and a lot more difficult to kind of police as parents.

SPEAKER_00 3:47

Uh I think most certainly really difficult to police as parents. We uh we do not use the same apps as our children do, which means we don't know how to use the apps that our children do.

SPEAKER_01 3:57

No.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

Um, and then that makes our children vulnerable because the the people who want to gain access to children will learn how to use those apps and learn them in a um in a way that parents can't pick up on as well.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

I know we'll come on to this a a little bit, but I think it it just exposes our children, especially those children that are that are a care experience, the children that we are supporting, how it makes them more vulnerable on online, because more often than not they are targeted because they are vulnerable. So when we see children get involved in things such as county lines or um, you know, we're noticing things where they have quite a lot of money or quite a lot of items when they get involved in things like that on online, it's like picking up on those things, it just makes them more vulnerable. But it's it's because they are targeted, yeah. And especially in you know those smaller uh communities where children are living, that's that's where people are targeting as well, isn't it? Most certainly. So I think with our teenagers, we see this more often just because they have more access, aren't they, to phones, online games, other things um, but it is a time where teenagers especially naturally take more risks anyway, yeah. Um because they're exposed to that. So they're exposed to you know peer groups where they're they're seeking more independence, um, and they are testing boundaries. It's that age, isn't it? Around like adolescence where they are.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

And they're learning. So it's really normal as a teenager to um try different things, test different boundaries and learn. Um, and we all um I guess teach our children in a way that they um learn and they make the right choices from that learning. Um, one of the difficulties with our children who've experienced trauma is they haven't always had that those prerequisites to make those decisions to learn.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

Yeah, so it is about understanding that this it's like finding that right balance, isn't it? It's like knowing that you know, when your child is reaching teenagers, adolescence, they are gonna naturally want to take more risks. But and in some cases that is absolutely normal and typical for that age group, but some of these risks are exasperated by some of the experiences that CAGS children have have been through previously, where they have had misleading opportunities, missed skills, they don't really have those prerequisites to keep themselves safe or understand how relationships work and have deficits there. So it's no way also that the impact that trauma have had on them, a developmental trauma, has actually impacted and and made the the risks that they are taking a lot more a lot worse and a lot more skier.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah. And I think parents find themselves in that really difficult place of I want my child to be able to engage with their friends. Their friends have all got phones and they're on their phones, but my child doesn't understand um the risks of being on their phone, and um what we hear very often is I've gone through it with them, I've told them, I've talked them through it, and they're still not getting it and they're putting themselves uh in danger.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Yeah. And even the age that a child has a phone now, you know. I know that the parents have conversations with themselves, like what age is it appropriate for a child? Because the then the age is getting um younger and younger and younger because it's that social pressure, isn't it, that their friend has got one and then they're talking to one one another on online or on games and things, and you don't want them to miss out, so it's just really tricky, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 7:59

It's really tricky, and I think um the age thing is a huge debate among parents, and um you know, some parents will say no no phone at all, um, but then you've got others who are having a phone from five or six years old these days, which is you know very young, so it's finding that balance.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

Yeah, and like you said, often with our children that we're supporting, where parents and carers have said, I've gone through it with them, like nothing is sticking, they're still taking these risks, they're not really understanding, but we know it takes a lot more than that.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

And so we we talk quite a bit about risks of um risks from other people essentially. So risks of accessing the wrong site, of um accessing the wrong people, of um being targeted online, but what we haven't actually talked about is um the risk of social disapproval and social upset um by being on the phone or being online on the phone because it's a lot easier to say something horrible to a friend if you're doing it via a text message or via a WhatsApp message. Um, it's um a lot easier to exclude somebody or bully somebody if you're using that format as opposed to doing it face to face. Yeah. And this is the pattern that we're kind of seeing that lots of children fall into. It's not only the risks of other people online or accessing the wrong content, it's um social uh that social disapproval and socially isolating themselves because of the way they treat people, and this is from children who, because of the trauma they've experienced, they don't have the social skills to be able to socially interact on a day-to-day basis, never mind on a phone.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah, so you're talking about their the a a young person having deficits in in their relational development and and abilities, um, socially, um, but also those other missed skills where they're not learning or even understanding that they are taking risks. Yeah. And in that case, because of the behaviour that they're engaging in, whether maybe they're trying to seek connection or seek their social disapproval, it's not getting them anywhere in friendship groups, it's actually making their world a lot smaller.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

If they get it completely wrong, which I've seen many teenagers do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

Yeah, and when they get older, yeah, it gets the consequences then become a lot more serious. Yeah. Things like that. Yeah. Um, when they're reaching near enough adulthood. Yeah. Because yeah, those things do become a lot more serious.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

So what we do see a lot online as well is um whether it's on a phone through messages or whether it's actually accessing sites online or apps, is young people who are seeking connection but doing it in in unappropriate ways, let's say. So they might go on to um an app like Facebook or Snapchat or Instagram, somebody messages them, they start messaging back. Yeah. Um, and they don't know who that person is. Now, this person could be um could be a friend, or they could be posing as someone who is a friend, and um could be a real risk to that young person. But what they're do they're seeing is that person likes me. I want to make a connection with that person, and they're coming from a background where they might have been excluded from multiple friendship groups, very likely they've been rejected from um families in the past, very likely that they're not with people they originally lived with for many of our young people. Um, so they're just seeking that uh that approval, that connection, and online they're getting that.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

It's like any attention or connection is good enough. Yeah. And if I'm not getting that from a peer group, or if I'm not getting that from the family that I'm living with to the degree that I'm expecting or I need, then I'm gonna go and find that elsewhere. Yeah. And we've worked with young people where they have got themselves in really risky situations, not you know, that then comes off from the online format, and they are arranging to meet with those people, and like you said, they might be posing as a friend, they might be completely unknown, but that meetup is still arranged. Um, or they're travelling, yeah, um, by train, or we've with individuals that have train hopped to go and see someone, you know, because it's that motivation, that drive to to get that connection from from somebody because they're not getting it elsewhere.

SPEAKER_00 12:45

And one of the one of the things you said a couple of things there actually, um, because what we're talking about is potent connection. So I think you said earlier um they're not getting it from the family that they're living with. It's not that they're not getting interaction, it's not that they're not getting um good, consistent care or um the love that they need, it's that for many of our young people they want this continuous, potent and at that level and very high level interaction and connection that it's very hard for anybody sus to sustain in the long term. But if there's a predator online, they will do that um and provide that, yeah, um, and that can become really risky then.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Yeah, like you know, we've supported so many young people in understanding, you know, the risks around that, but it's something that's common that happens with the population that we work with, and again it just becomes more of a problem when they reach teenagers. Yeah. And another another reason why some of these risks kind of amplify or um crop up more so with the the children that we're working with and the young people are through this, you know, they're trying to seek or trying to understand like where do they fit in this world and what who do I identify with? Who who am I as a person? Yeah. And that might have been a little bit disjointed growing up, you know, maybe moving from family to family or um you know, being involved in different peer groups and not really understanding who they truly are, so they're so they're looking for that reassurance or like yes, I fit in with I belong. I belong with this population, and sometimes that that can that can um present in being gravitated towards maybe chat rooms or um particular conversations that are that are problematic that where they're being exploited.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah. And even I've seen it recently where um a young person was with friends within a chat, um, but uh there was a bit of bullying going on, and they were almost in coerced into bullying another young person. So it doesn't the risk doesn't have to be from someone external, the risk can be because of the social dynamics of young people these days, and that everybody's online and more is acceptable online than it would be in person, those dynamics become very um just disjointed.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Yeah, it is a lot easier, isn't it? To because you have a screen between you and that other person that you are being coerced into bullying or you are actively bullying them and not really understanding that you're bullying them, but that screen acts as that buffer that barrier and just takes away some of that responsibility, isn't it? Of what your actions are actually doing to another person. But yeah, we see that quite a lot where they're trying to understand where they identify, where they belong in this world and where they kind of fit in with different peer groups as as well, and sometimes that can turn out a little bit problematic for them.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

Yeah. So what challenges do parents and carers often bring bring us, Rachel, in terms of what they're seeing at home?

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Yeah, I think it's the um the one that that comes up quite a lot is that conflict that it presents. So when there's a power struggle, because parents want to make sure that they're keeping their children safe online, they want to know what their children are doing online, have most of vision, have boundaries around that, but children don't want that. Yeah, they want complete independence, they know what they're doing, and they don't want to comply. So this conflict um appears, and then when this power struggle happens, parents are really struggling to know how am I managing these big bursts of behaviour? I'm trying to keep my child safe online, but I'm just seeing these big bursts of behaviour which are really difficult to manage, yeah, um, and knowing, like we said earlier, where is that balance? Like, that's where the question comes more you know more often than not. Like, what is the right thing to do in this situation?

SPEAKER_00 17:07

Yeah, and I think that power struggle, particularly from teenagers, can come with so many other things as well. So it can be things like, what do you mean you don't trust me? You don't trust me to be on my phone myself. Why have you got to check my phone? What do you think I'm doing? Um, so you get into this back and forth, um, and I can see you grinning at me because you can see I'm thinking thinking of my own body. But yeah, no, but it's this, it's not it doesn't even have to be big bursts of behavior, it's the verbal discussions that go around it as well, which I think sometimes they're so difficult to come back with a coherent argument against. Um, because you have this, well, you've never trusted me, why don't you trust me? Um, I'm not doing anything, why do you need to check? Yeah, um, and particularly if they've never actually done anything wrong, and you're checking because you want to make sure that nothing goes wrong in the future, it can be so tricky.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

Uh yeah, and I I think there's just so much on the news. Yeah, and just life now is just the world is very different. So, as a parent, you do feel like, oh, I better check. Yeah. Like, is my child exposed to this? Or is this something I should worry about in my child? And it doesn't make you second guess as a parent. Yeah, am I doing the right thing? Am I not checking enough? Um, have I not got enough supervision or boundaries in place? So it is a little bit of a mind game for for parents in knowing what like what is the right thing to do. Even with children that are because my my son is is a lot younger than your girls, but even just the not so much the rules, but like what is the general consensus about children on technology? There's just so much chatted about that, and it can be really confusing for parents.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Yeah, and I think there's there's a different consensus with between different families, different schools, um, and you've almost got to find your own way with that and stick to it. Yeah, find what you're comfortable with because your you know, then your next door neighbour or your best friend might not have the same views as you on this particular topic.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Yeah, and again, that can kind of play mind games with us because you just think, oh well, my neighbour's doing this and their child's the same age, like should I be doing the same? I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

And then yeah, this is where it becomes like really confusing and you don't really know what or you feel like a bad parent, like oh, well, they've got these boundaries in, I haven't put those in, I must be a bad parent.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Yeah, yeah.

unknown 19:39

It's hard.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

It is hard. For being a parent, but yeah, it it can create lots of arguments within between children and and parents and carers, and especially for our children now we're supporting. Um, in the back of our minds, then when we're when we're when we're supporting care experience children, we're thinking, oh, that is another blow to our relationship. Um, can we repair from this? And you yeah, you're just trying to make everything as perfect as possible, but you just know, like, oh, this is another another escalation I need to repair from. So you don't and you don't want relationships to be even more fractured when you're trying to build up on that, yeah. Um in you know, anyway. Um, so yeah, that that comes out up quite quite a lot. Um parents also um ask about what boundaries they they should set and how they should how they should do that. So when there's confusion around like what is the right thing to do, and then sometimes parents and carers will just set kind of a boundary and maybe not communicate that with with children, and then we we see difficulties present then, don't we? Um and what we what we tend to say is if we can involve children as much as possible in in those discussions and setting boundaries and limits and having this agreed kind of type of plan, mutual kind of agreement that is usually helpful when trying to manage escalations. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

So the really important bit that we want to get onto today is what can we do to support in these situations. Yeah. Um, because there are some things, um, but it's not untricky. Yeah. Yeah. Some untricky.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Yeah, there's there's lots that we can um that we can do to to support. Um, and the first one being just understanding why, understanding the trauma that your child experienced and understanding why we're seeing this type of presentation. So, like we said, teenagers at at that age, they are taking more risks, they're all online, they're all communicating with with one another. But why is my child, you know, that other Experience trauma, why am I seeing these risks present as more of a difficulty? So it's really picking that apart, isn't it? Understanding what is it about their trauma history that's really impacting on them, and once we know that, um, we can we can then be in a better place to support. So is it because they are looking for that connection? Is it because they are trying to find their identity or belonging, or are they engaging in this to have some of that social disapproval as well? Yeah. Um, so it's understanding the why behind that, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 22:37

Yeah, and there can be multiple reasons why as well, and remembering to think about um some of the trauma history that you've talked about there, but then there might be other things like skill deficits, so not understanding social norms would be um a big one. Um having emotional deficits maybe where actually they find it easier to read emotions online. Um it's not as demanding when you're online as opposed to in person. So there's there's lots of things that can be going on to consider within that.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Yeah, yeah, skill deficit is a big one, isn't it? And knowing what skills you need to support your child with, isn't it? Um next, then we would be advising to to look at how do you how do you mitigate that risk. So once you've identified what that looks like, then we can then put some measures in place to just reduce that risk in in the short term. And in our tribe workshops, we go through this where we have a whole module on risk. Yeah, um, but we break that down into how do you um manage risk within your within your home and support your child to um engage in more appropriate behaviours that are not um risk taken.

SPEAKER_00 23:53

Yeah, and essentially it will come down to putting boundaries around any um any online use, yeah. Um, which can be tricky as well, particularly if they've had free access. Uh so they've got their own phone, they've had free access to their phone, and suddenly um you want to put in risk mitigation measures that involve putting boundaries in place, that's going to be difficult to do, so you have to do that in a certain way that um gets their buying buy-in as well.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

Yeah, definitely. Um, and then there's like that bit of education that's needed as well. So um, again, we go through this quite a lot within our tribe, um, within our tribe workshops, but we need to teach our children, we we know that there's skill deficit, so we need to put more of an emphasis on that skill building. What skills do they need to be able to keep themselves safe online? So is that learning about relationships and healthy versus unhealthy relationships, is that learning about online safety um and how to keep themselves safe on online um is what we can we can do in the background when children are not engaged in these escalations where we can provide as much education as possible to help to give them the tools to stay safe online.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

Yeah, yeah. And sometimes, so I sometimes quite often actually, um, education isn't enough. Uh so that there is a but particularly with children who've experienced trauma, there's a gap between the education element, which is um this is what we must do, this is what keeps us safe, and the implementation elements of um okay, how do we put this into practice when we actually need to put it into practice? So, not when we're having a discussion and they can tell you everything that um that you've taught them that they should be telling you, but in the moment when somebody's contacting them online or when um there's a friendship group that are having a discussion which uh could be perceived as bullying, what do they actually do in that moment? Can they implement the things that they've learned? Um there's often a big gap between those two things.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Yeah, because you've when you're teaching a new skill, it's gonna respond, it's gonna require a lot of response effort. That's what we call it, isn't it? It's gonna be harder for that child to recall that skill and be able to perform it. Whereas the thing that they the risk that they were engaging online is really easy, they've been doing it and they've been getting what they want out of it. So we do need to support, like you said, with that implementation, how are you gonna um how are you gonna recall that skill that you need to keep yourself safe? So you tip the skills a little bit, yeah, and it's it's through our support as parents and carers where we can do we can support them in in implementing that skill that they've just learned because that motivation is gonna be so high to engage in that risk-taking behavior. They don't see it as a risk, they're just they're seen it as a need that they that they can get met quickly, yeah. Yeah, and and another thing that we would recommend then is in line with that really is to find other things that are that are equally reinforcing and building in things such as family time where there are opportunities to build that connection, appropriate connection within the family home. Um and yeah, you're just finding something that can't really compete with with screen time and and to reduce then the need to use online and engage in those risk-taking behaviours.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

So, in addition to that, like thinking about reinforcement as well. So um we did a podcast previously on reinforcement, which I'd recommend anybody um visit. But one thing we know is if so, for example, if you want a young person to follow rules in terms of online safety, and that might be the time that they're allowed on there, um, a good way of reinforcing time on devices is to allow more time. If they can stick to the rules, so you're actually building in the reinforcement you're building in is really connected to um the thing that you're trying to reinforce. So if they stick to the rules, next time they get 10 extra minutes, um, and that works that way all of the time.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

Um, and that will really work in terms of um how you can reinforce um what you want to see essentially.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Yeah, in terms of online, isn't it? And keeping themselves safe. Because they can use, you know, it's appropriate to use um online apps, things like that in an appropriate way and keeping yourself safe. But yeah, that's a really good point about reinforcement. We want to reinforce those behaviours that we want to see more of, um, which are those non-risk um taking behaviours. Um but we also deep dive, didn't we, Laura, um a few months back on risk-taking behaviours. So we have to um put that link out there.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

Yeah, um put it in the description.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

Yeah, for for for people to um to to access later on the line if you wanted to check that out. But again, in in that deep dive, we really looked at different risk um online risks, and um actually we extended our um risk-taking behaviors in general that we see in teenagers, and we shared some strategies there. So if you want to find more information, we'll include that link. Yeah. So we're coming to the end of this episode. Um, so just to finish up, we have um a question from a carer. So um they've asked um my teenager is constantly on their phone and get really defensive when I ask um what they're doing. I'm really worried, um, but I don't want to push them away.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

What shall I do? Um, I think this is something that so many parents and carers will encounter. Um, so how I would approach this, I think it comes back to the relationship that you have with the young person and making sure that you have that relationship there first. Um so if I know I've got a relationship with the young person, then I'm um starting by making that connection around their phone. So it might be having a conversation about what they're doing, it might be having a conversation about what I like doing on my phone, um, and then then making fun of me because I like old people apps and they don't like those apps. That's what usually happens when I talk to young people about their phones. Um, but start with kind of that shared knowledge, a normal conversation about it, and then you can start to introduce the I do worry about people online, and these are the reasons why I worry. Um, is there any of this that like you'd worry about being on your phone? Um, they might say no, they might say yes, you don't know at that point. Um, if you want to actually be able to check their phone, I would keep building that relationship and those discussions around the phone to get them to buy in to you, checking their phone to make sure they're safe. Under the um premise that you're checking because you want to make sure that they're not being targeted in any way. I think any young person is far more likely to let you check in that respect than they're going to let you check in for anything else. Um, that's if you don't have any of those boundaries in in the first place. What I would say is if you're introducing a phone, have those boundaries in to begin with, because then um if you've got that there from day one, that part of you having a phone is that I do certain checks on it, um, you can just keep following through on that, and um that will make it a lot easier.

SPEAKER_01 31:25

Yeah, that's yeah, that that's great, isn't it? Because it if you have those things in place already, then then great, but you're really prioritizing your relationship and finding some common ground, yeah, opening the lines of communication for for children and young people to make it the norm that this is how we keep one another safe when we're online, and these are the things that we've got to think about.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

So yeah, and I think making it the norm is is the important one. Just make it normal that we'll check how things are going on your phone to make sure that you're safe, and it might be that you've got so families might have family apps um where they keep an eye on what each other's doing. That's a very normal thing to have these days. So if it's the norm, then it's just something you do as a family.

SPEAKER_01 32:12

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 32:13

So that's the end of our podcast today. Some key takeaways from today. Uh, children who've experienced trauma can find online safety more difficult than their peers. Um, one because their trauma history can lead them to seek connection online in ways that other children might not do. Um they might not have the skills to socially recognize some of the things that are going on online, so they might need a lot more help in that area. Um so when it comes to supporting them, we want to make sure that we're forming those relationships. If we're putting any boundaries in place, we are sticking to them, but we might might need to build that up gradually over time and um having discussions and building relationships where we can work jointly with our teams, particularly, is really important.

SPEAKER_01 33:01

So, thank you for joining us for this week's episode on um online risks. If you want to know more information about trauma informed care in practice, then subscribe to Tribe Talk.