Why Endings Are So Hard for Care-Experienced Children | | #TRIBE Talk - Ep. 31

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore why endings, big or small, can feel particularly difficult for care-experienced children. Whether it’s the end of a visit, a school day, a relationship, or a placement, these moments can trigger intense emotional responses that may seem disproportionate to what’s happening in the present.

Through a trauma-informed lens, we unpack how past experiences of loss, separation, and unpredictability shape children’s responses to endings. We discuss how these experiences can impact trust, emotional regulation, and expectations of relationships, and why endings may be experienced as unsafe rather than simply transitional.

This episode offers practical, compassionate guidance for parents, carers, and professionals—helping you understand what sits beneath these reactions and how to support children through endings in a way that builds safety, predictability, and emotional resilience over time.

Episode Highlights:

• Why endings can feel overwhelming for care-experienced children
• The impact of loss, separation, and disrupted attachments
• How past experiences shape present reactions to endings
• Why even small transitions can trigger big emotions
• The role of predictability and preparation
• Practical ways to support children before, during, and after endings
• Building trust and emotional safety around transitions

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi everyone, you're here with Laura Neal. I'm Helvens. And today we're talking about why care experienced children find endings so difficult.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

So have you ever noticed how a child can maybe hold it together until the last day of term? Or you find that behaviour escalates when something that's planned comes to an end and they're struggling to cope with that, or there's behaviour that escalates around a contact visit, um, or at the end of a placement or a place move. And you might find children saying, I don't care, I hate you, um, I didn't even like you anyway, and you're left kind of thinking, where did that come from and why has that even happened? So today we're going to unpick that.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

So when we think about children who have trauma histories and a care experienced, one of the things we need to remember is that lots of the time those trauma histories include a lot of endings, yeah, um, and transitions. So they might have experienced um lots of loss uh in their history. So it could be loss of family, it could be a loss of previous carers, it could be separation from siblings, um, loss of their home, it can be loss of um just items in general as well. Um, so everything that's around them, for many of our care experienced children, they've lost all of that. Um, and um sometimes this isn't done in the most supportive way either, even though that would always be the intention. Sometimes children have to be removed from very difficult situations in very quick circumstances, so um, it can be very traumatic having an end in a in a placement or a home in those circumstances as well. So you're adding into the mix additional trauma during those circumstances a lot of the time. Uh, so for many of our children, they've experienced multiple placement changes, they may have experienced lots of broken promises, lots of changes, and all of this really contributes to them finding endings and any type of transition really difficult.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yeah, definitely, and we we see this a lot, and you m you mentioned you made a good point, Laura, about how sometimes endings happen quite quickly and abruptly, and even those things are necessary, and the people that are around the the child or professionals that are around the child are trying their best to mitigate any any fallout from from that and act in their best interests. Like you said, the trauma that that can then have on them or the impact that that can have on them, again, we've got to look at what is the child doing that as. How how have they how have they interpreted that experience and looking at that from the child's eyes, yeah, and what that means for them going forward. So, having a history of things ending, I need to sabotage this placement before someone ends it for me. Um adults don't tell the truth, yeah. Because they said that I can stay with this foster care, but now I've got to move. It just creates so many more questions for our children, doesn't it? Yeah. And it it and the impact on them then, that's what we've got to understand.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Yeah. I think a big one is nobody sticks around.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

Um, because it it's not just those homes that they haven't been able to remain in, it's anybody who hasn't stayed around for them. Um so then you have any transition, any change of person that creates a similar feeling because oh, that's happening again.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Yeah, it um they can sometimes then feel on a high alert. Yeah. Because it's gonna end. Yeah. I just know it. Um and it's just that lack of trust, that lack of belief, um, which then this is why we we see the big burst of emotional and behavioural challenges and the other difficulties, you know, that come with caring for a child that'll experience trauma.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Yeah. And it can't it doesn't always seem related. So, for example, at the end of the school year, um, which is it happens every year, the end of the school year completely normal for most children. They know they're gonna see their friends next year, but for many of the children that we support, they might have moved schools or they've had other experiences where they've been expecting to go back to the same place and they've not been able to go back there. Um so there's no guarantee that for them, in their minds, that they will see those friends next year or see those teachers or see that school environment, and they um just become they just want to cling on to it. They want to cling on to, oh, that this is something that I enjoy, I've experienced, it gives me stability, and I want to cling on to this. It makes the ending very difficult.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Yeah. And this is where we see a whole host of challenges when it comes to their behavioural presentation and what parents and carers see play out at home and maybe school see play out, and then what's reported back to social workers, yeah, because the the impact that those previous losses or moves have have had on a child is continuing to impact on them today, and what feels like you said, like a little change or a little ending like school can mean a big thing for our children and impact on them and their behaviour. So, what we see play out for our children in terms of their emotional and behavioural presentation can be slightly misinterpreted by adults because they're dealing with this day in, day out. It's really difficult to manage, but it can often be viewed or seen as they're engaging these behaviours to um sabotage, they're trying to sabotage that you know the this placement. He was doing so so well, and now it's just ruined, he's ruined everything. Um he just doesn't care about this placement. We get a lot of that that feedback usually to describe some of the behaviours that are being seen um by parents and carers that the children are displaying.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Yeah, it's almost self-destructive, isn't it? So thinking of like the end of the school year again, um so you uh all year you might have experienced a child who has difficulty in those bigger situations, so assemblies, concerts. You know that the end of the school year is going to be unsettling, but it becomes so unsettling that it you you wonder what's going on. Um so it almost seems like they're sat they're sabotaging it, they're destroying the concert, they're arguing with friends, they might hit out at someone, um, they might smash up the classroom, and it just seems to um escalate beyond all proportion from where you thought it might be, um, even though you've put all of your um safety measures in. And I think this is this is where children go to. Like, this is gonna end, so I'll end it first.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

Yeah, and we've talked about this before in another podcast and in a couple of our deep dives, but like, why is that, isn't it? Especially when we're thinking of um an end of a school term. There's no routine, there's more film time, there's like Christmas concerts to be practicing for, or the Easter concert, and there's the routine that was there has now been lost as well. So it's not just we're you know we're coming up to the end of the term. My my school life just looks so different now, and I haven't got a routine to follow, so that can just throw children off as well, and again reaffirm some of those internal beliefs of nothing remains consistent.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Yeah, nothing remains the same, people are not gonna be around for me, they say they're gonna be here next year, but they're clearly not gonna be here next year.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

Yeah, and it's what they've um experienced in their in their trauma history that um influences some of some of these behaviours and and the and um and some of some of the presentation that we see in in in now in our children is having that understanding of I'm seeing these behaviours because they have been in five different foster care placements, or the last school move, their social worker had to pick them up and move them. So it's understanding where those difficulties come from and and why um we're seeing escalations in behaviour, not because they're they're trying to ruin things um or make things more difficult, it's because that's what they expect. Yeah. Because they've experienced that previously.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Yeah. I think even with some of our children who um you think, well, they've they've been in a stable environment. So I'm thinking about our adopted young people who uh move to might they might move have moved to adoption early on, um, but you still see some of these behaviours come the end of term um where it almost seems like they're sabotaging. Um, but I think what we need to remember there is they do have a history of not being able to see a family that they will, even if they don't remember them, they will uh know that there is another family there. So why is that? Why was I rejected from there? There's lots in terms of the internal working model that goes on and how they internally perceive things that we need to be mindful of if we're seeing uh these really um big behaviours during end ins and transitions.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

I I was just thinking of loads of different things as you were talking then, Laura, about adoption, and we probably need a whole podcast by itself um to talk about that, but it's when those things are then resolved as well early on, and because it is quite common for us to see children that are in adoptive um homes with their families, but these things present maybe later on in life, and when it's when things like this are not resolved for them, and they're still trying to make sense of that, yeah. But yeah, we could probably talk for a long time on that, we could just be in a whole different podcast, yeah. But yeah, it's just it's just it's important to remember again their trauma history and how that is continuing to impact on them and just like reframing some of those behaviours. I I tend to talk about that a lot um in consultations, in trainings, and just having that trauma-informed lens and look on behaviours when when we're seeing these crop up because it are they are difficult to manage, but there is a reason behind them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

So some of the times where you might see um these bigger behaviours or bigger responses at endings are things like the end of the school term. It could be for us an end uh ending therapy session, might see a big reaction to that. Um, it could be um a final contact or when contact is ending for a certain period. Um, when um a family so a family member visits, for example, they live in a different country, you know you're not gonna see them for another six months, you might have a big outburst at the end of that that seems unproportionate to the fact that you're gonna see them in six months again and you haven't seen them for six months previously, but it's this big response. Um, you might also get it when um young people, I would say some young people tend to be good at masking in this circumstance, but when there's a move, a home move, um, you might see a big response. You might not see a big response, but I'd question is it going on under the surface then as well?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Yes, massive, and yeah, I know we've we've spoken about um quite quite a bit school term ending, but contact is is another thing where I feel in my consultations I'm supporting parents and carers like through that in being able to into helping them manage because there's difficulties in the transition from home to go to that contact session, um, and then after contact, um it yes, like the end the ending of of one thing into another, then the ending of that contact, it it is really tricky for families to navigate um because again, it's just like another situation where we see these bursts of behaviours, and not always on the day.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

So we talk to lots of families where it happens, um, it can be a few days later, but then it will go on for a couple of weeks, so they almost feel like they're in this cycle of um we have a good period, contact contact happens and we go down for two weeks, and then we're back in a good period again, and then contact happens again and we go down again, so um it becomes very difficult and quite uh like a cycle that they keep going through.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah. But uh you mentioned therapy as well. We plan for that, yeah. Here when we know that therapy is coming to an end, we want to make sure that the child is prepared for that. So I know some of our team um obviously depending on the child, but in some circumstances they're gonna count down or calendar to visually depict we've got X amount of sessions left, and I'm gonna see you for an hour for another four weeks. Um, and then we're gonna have this nice activity. I've included in some of my sessions where it's like a family affair and it's a bit of like a party um to mark the end of that time, but it we're we're planning that, aren't we? And we we're trying to um make it as a positive experience or a better outlook that you don't need me anymore, you can do this by yourself now. Um mum, dad, or your foster carers can continue to support you, but it's preempting that, especially for some of our children that have wobbles around endings that if when when therapy is ending, we're planning that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

So, Rachel, what would you recommend that parents, carers, professionals do to make these endings or transitions as easy as possible for children?

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Yeah, I suppose we've touched on a few a few of them, but just to go into a little bit um more detail, I think the first thing is just it's just planning and preempting what could happen in every situation. So we talked about contact and when I've supported families with that, it's what are we doing before contact and what are we doing after contact to make sure that when that ends the child is prepared for that and we've got something planned straight after. So you're creating these like mini routines and structure around that time, um, but involving the child in that as much as possible. You know, in that example I shared with with therapy, we're planning, it's visually in front of them, they know when that's coming to an end, and we're preparing them for that end and what they can do following therapy, and um giving them the confidence to kind of do what we've taught them in session a little bit more independently. So I think um planning, and if you can use like countdowns or timetables, um is gonna be really beneficial for children again to keep on referring back to so they can see when when things are gonna come to an end. And we again you can do that with um the school term coming to an end as well, so they know what events they have coming up. So if it's if it's well Easter's Easter is um is you know a hot topic at the moment, but planning what that kind of looks like in school, if they're and there's bank holidays and things like that, so you can plan all of that in. Um also uh helping children to understand their emotions around things coming to an end. So we would say use lots of emotional labelling. I'm wondering if you are feeling a little bit worried about this coming to an end, let's kind of talk about that. Yeah, um, I can see you're looking a little bit sad. So we want them to recognise that these feelings are quite normal, but it's how we manage them.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Yeah, definitely. One of the things you said earlier as well, um, was planning for the ending. I think planning for what's next is so important as well. So you you touched on it. Uh so thinking about the end of the school term, um, if we're coming up to the beginning of the summer holidays, that um school year is ending, the child might be returning for the next school year. What does that look like? That's so important to provide that stability over the summer. What does that look like? Um, this can be really tricky for schools, I find, because they don't always know until the very end of term who's gonna be teaching the next year. Yeah. Whereas what we would recommend from a trauma-informed perspective is for the last six weeks of term, you know who's going to be teaching that child, you know what class they're gonna be in, um, they're having that they're being provided with that information, they're having an opportunity to go and see the classroom to meet the teacher, um, to almost feel more settled in before the end of the current uh year, so they go into the new year really prepared. Yeah, um, that's not always possible though.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

Yeah, I would say, Laura, the um school conversations I've done recently they're hot on it. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, and we've I've mentioned already about let's plan for next year, and they're like, yeah, let's book that meeting in for me, you know. So we've got plenty of time to plan for that. Yeah, but yeah, that is so important, especially over the summer holidays, isn't it? Um what is that gonna look like going into because sometime this year for your child that might be going from primary school to secondary school, and that is a massive jump. Yeah, and a complete school life will look so different, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Um, so again, preparing them for that. Yeah, so what will that look like in that type of change? But if it's an ending where there is no continuation, what does that look like instead? So therapy is a good one to look at um in this respect. So when therapy ends, you don't always you sometimes do have more therapy restarting, but um therapy will end, you don't have therapy anymore. So, what do you do about that? You need to look at um what is it, what is the thing that's gonna be there instead. So if you don't need your therapist anymore, you've got mum and dad or your carer that is gonna be able to talk to you about these things instead. So you're setting up that instead of setting up um a similar uh experience. Yeah, your weekly therapy session, because you don't need that intensity anymore. Um But mum and dad will be there to be able to talk through these things. You might set aside a certain time every week to check in and um it it it will look different for each family. But every transition or ending there needs to be something that comes after it.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Yeah. So I think there's lots that parents and carers can do to support children, doing endings and just have again just having that understanding of I know why they're engaged in this behaviour, I know why this is quite tricky for them, but now I have the confidence in knowing how to support them as well. Yeah. So we're coming to the end and we've got another question from a carer. Um so, why do some children sabotage placements just when things are going well? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

Um, the short answer to this is because they expect them to end. Um so if they sabotage them, they know when it's gonna end. Um they're in control of it. They're in control of it, yeah. Uh so I think for many of our children, their histories will be that everything ends. So if they are in a new home and that is going well, um, they will expect that to end. And um it can go well for a certain period of time, and then all of a sudden, that anxiety of this is going to end increases. Um, and it's going to end soon because it's been far longer than any other place that I've been, so it must be going to end soon. Uh, it might be that it's coming up to a certain time of year, so I that I I don't know why this happens, but the number of children that we've spoken to where endings have always come near their birthdays or near Christmas, uh, so you might be approaching that period where they've previously experienced endings, so that then they're really thinking, oh, this is going to end now, and that anxiety increases and increases. And if they cause it to end, then they have the certainty of its ending. So it's replacing that anxiety and uncertainty with certainty, even though it's a certainty that they probably don't want. Um, so we have to ride out some of these experiences, and I think using uh some of the emotional labelling that you talked about earlier, um so so saying something like, it seems like you're really worried at the moment. I wonder if that could be because you've been here for so long and that can be a little bit unsettling, or um, that you're worried about will uh you still be able to stay here, if you know that that's the worry that they've got. And you can open up those conversations to provide that reassurance then.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

So, key takeaways from this episode today is understanding that these behaviours come from somewhere. Children are gonna find some of these endings really tricky to manage, but it's knowing where that comes from and understanding their trauma history, but also reframing some of what you're seeing as well. So those behavioural difficulties that that you're seeing, they're not trying to make things worse for you or ruin something that's nice as that have just happened. They are really struggling with, like you mentioned, Laura, that internal conflict of I feel like this is gonna end, so I'm gonna make it end to save my feelings. Um, so reframe some of those behaviours as a way of how can I support this child. So that yeah, they're our key takeaways from the episodes um today.

SPEAKER_00 22:57

So thank you everybody for listening to Tribe Talk. If you've enjoyed today's episode, then subscribe to Tribe Talk for more trauma informed care in practice.