What To Do When Your Child's Behaviours Are Escalating | #TRIBE Talk - Ep. 33

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore what to do when a child’s behaviour feels like it is escalating—when emotions are becoming bigger, conflict is increasing, and strategies that once worked no longer seem effective. For many parents and carers, these moments can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and difficult to make sense of.

Using a trauma-informed and behavioural lens, we unpack what may sit underneath escalating behaviours and why children often communicate distress through actions rather than words. This episode focuses on practical, compassionate responses that help reduce escalation, strengthen regulation, and rebuild connection—supporting adults to move away from reactive cycles and towards calmer, more effective support.

Check Out TRIBE Trauma Informed Care Here: https://www.tribecare.org/

Episode Highlights:

•  Why behaviours may escalate over time 
•  Understanding the difference between “won’t” and “can’t” 
•  How stress, overwhelm, and unmet needs show up behaviourally 
•  Common adult responses that accidentally increase escalation 
•  Practical de-escalation and co-regulation strategies 
•  Why connection and predictability matter during difficult moments 
•  Knowing when additional support may be needed

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome everyone to Tri Talk. You're here with Rachel Evans and Laura Neal. And today we're talking about de-escalation. So what helps in the moment when your child is escalating?

SPEAKER_00 0:16

So this podcast is for parents if your child escalates. So that might mean hitting, it might be throwing items, it might be shouting, swearing, running away, it might be that they're breaking items. If that sounds like your child, then this podcast is for you. So Rachel, when we say the word escalation or escalating, what do we actually mean?

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Yeah, it's really important that we define it, yeah. Because escalation can look so different for different children. So you've covered a couple in in your intro there, but it's essentially challenging behaviour, and when that really increases, so it it intensifies. So things such as like you you listed throwing items, shouting, swearing, being physically aggressive, um, so that might look like hitting, um, kicking, uh, property destruction. It's when those behaviours really escalate to a certain extent where it is kind of like down tools and we need to support the child in that moment. Yeah, that's what esc that's what we say when a child when a when a behaviour bec becomes escalating.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yeah. And it can include um some more unusual behaviours as well. So things like spitting would be one, or um for some of the children that we support, it could be uh threats to harm themselves or threats to harm others, those will come under that as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

And usually when we're talking about challenging behaviour escalating, um you'll you'll probably think in yourselves now thinking about your own child, there'll be about four or five behaviours that you that you might be targeting then or behaviours that you're concerned about, and these behaviours increase um from from time to time or more frequently than what you'd like. Um, but you you know, each child that we would work with, they'd have a different set of behavioural priorities that we're kind of working through to help them to manage when those things happen. Yeah. When those behaviours happen.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

And when we're talking about an escalation, we're talking about what happens in the moment. So it's not maybe what will happen down the road, it's like what's happening now and how do you deal with that and how do you de-escalate.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yeah, because that is so different, isn't it? To when we're trying to support that behaviour in outer context. So we have those times where we're trying to teach and we're um and we're trying to support a child, learn more appropriate behaviours, but when they're escalating, we just need to support in a very different way, and that's what we're going to talk about today. Um, so de-escalation, then what do we mean when we say de-escalation?

SPEAKER_00 2:45

So de-escalation is all about how you calm that child in the moment. And I'm saying the word child, this can happen across um children who are very young, but then our teens, our um young people who are going into adulthood as well. De-escalation is when they're very escalated, and you, as the adult around them, are trying to de-escalate or calm that situation.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Yeah, definitely, and that is more often than not, sometimes with some of the parents and carers that we're supporting, finding yourself. Let's just use the word firefighting. Um, you're in firefighting mode where you have to just manage that behaviour in the moment, help your child to calm, and then we're moving on to the new day. Um, but it's important that you know, when whenever we're talking about de-escalation, we're not giving in the child's aren't winning in that situation, um, or we're not forcing compliance in any way. It is just supporting them to calm in that moment to regulate, yeah. Um, to then be able to move on.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

I think that's an important point because I think um lots of parents that we talk to, they do see it as oh well, I'm giving in to their demands, and it's not about that. When you're de-escalating, it's about that connection that you're making, about helping that child or young person to regulate, about helping them to be able to deal with their own feelings, their own emotions. Um, it's not necessarily um about giving in in the moment, it's about giving them what they need within that moment.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yeah, absolutely, because it's it's overwhelming feelings for them and feelings that they cannot manage, and have learnt um, let's just say, these inappropriate, more challenging ways to be able to cope, and it's our jobs to to help them to find more appropriate ways to calm in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

So the parents and carers that we support, or or the the children that we are supporting that that are struggling with managing emotions and we're seeing high levels of challenging behaviour. Um, it is hard, you know, for parents and carers to be managing that. So we we might be working with families that are dealing with these behaviours multiple times in the day, or they might be really big behaviours, but they happen like once a week. Um, and it you know, in both situations, we cannot forget that for parents and carers, trying to help a child to manage throughout that situation, but also what they're experiencing themselves as well, is really difficult. Yeah, um, so they some of the feedback we've had from parents and carers through um consultations is exhausting, yeah. Um managing that like multiple times a day, um feeling worried that especially if it's behaviour such as self-interest behaviours might be biting or headbanging, and when that happens, um you know, just talking to a colleague just now about um hair pollen to a certain to such an extent where it's caused damage, you know, and the hair is hair is um there's like a ball patch here on um at the front of her head, like that is causing like significant that must be causing significant worry because she's causing so much um uh injury in herself in that way. Um so what parents and carers are going through in that time is worry for themselves, for their child, um, and you know, exhaustion because they're managing this uh time and time again. And what do I do next? I feel like I tried everything, you know.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Yeah, and I think it um so it I think it's worry, exhaustion, but also that feeling of I must be a bad parent because otherwise my child wouldn't be doing this. And for many of the children that we support, as you know, it's not that's not the case. It's that we have to adjust things and get it right for that child, but all of these feelings go, um you feel all of these feelings, and then all of these thoughts I think go through your mind as a parent when you're dealing with such a difficult situation with with your child, um, and just you know, just wondering, well, why is it that other children don't do this? And my child is, yeah. Um, and actually, escalation like this is far more common uh than we realise, I think, and um lots of families don't talk about it, but it is certainly something that um we commonly see is escalation in young people.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Because you know, we're specifically talking about children with um with trauma histories and these high levels of behaviour, but like you opened up with um the the podcast, Laura, escalation is is an increase in any behaviour.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

Um and that that will look different for every child and for every family, there's there's there's worries like that going on, you know. If if we're seeing um a different presentation in a child that's happening time and time again, and we're thinking, How am I gonna support this? you know, um it is a really worrying time.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

So, Rachel, what do parents do in these moments when these moments of escalation happen?

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Yeah, I I I think the the first thing that we should all be doing is kind of just taking a breath and taking a mental kind of step back um and tell yourself I am in firefighting mode, like this is what I need to do. You're in like a different mode of um of support. Um so usually in my consultations of parents and carers, I'll I'll go through these three different stages of support. So 80% of the time we're usually in our like teaching stage where we've got our strategies that that we're supporting, but that is a time when a child is really calm. We we can teach a child communication, um, we can teach them more appropriate ways to to behave. That is like 80% of the time, and then other times when behaviours are bubbling, um, we can use distraction, and that can kind of distract them out of that behaviour, and we found calm again. Um, but when we're talking about behaviours escalating and we need to de-escalate, take a breath, take a step back and tell yourself I am in firefighting mode. It is a different, a different way of supporting and a different strategy. We have it's like down towards and not teaching, because anything I say right now is likely gonna go in one year and out the other. They're not gonna they're not regulated to be able to take in any instruction. Um, so it we are kind of in firefighting mode, and I think we just need to remind ourselves that, and um often I'll say to parents and cares, like tell yourself, you know, take a step back, take a breath, now I'm ready to to support my child. Um, and it takes like a split second, isn't it? Um but I think that's really important.

SPEAKER_00 9:37

Yeah, and what you said, I think there was really important, they're not going to take anything in at that moment. So um, everything we think um that we're going to put in place, whether that's a boundary, whether that's teaching them something, this is not the moment to do it.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

No, no, we've lot we we've missed that moment. Um but it's okay, yeah. It is, and to tell yourself it is okay to be in firefighting, because that is the best thing that you can do for your child right now. Because I think if you're trying to fix the problem by teaching, if you're trying to distract, you we might be accidentally reinforcing a behaviour that we that we didn't want to do in the first place. So um I I think you know, uh more often than not, we are trying to our best and then trying to fix the situation, but just tell yourself like it's okay to be in firefighting, this is the best thing that I can do for my child now and and yourself to keep yourself safe, your child safe. Um, and we're just in that in this mode and of support, and we'll you know, it's only for a short time and then we can move on, you know, tomorrow's a new day.

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Um, but I think that is the first thing that we that we should do. So, in the moment, after you've taken a step back, um, you've composed yourself as the adult, you've realized okay, I'm going into a different mode here. Um, the first thing to do is I think to realise um that we we kind of need to be slow at this point. Um, so we want to reduce instructions, um, we want to increase empathy. Um, but one of the um biggest things that I always think about is I don't want to over-talk.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Um, because I I think this is where we can get it really wrong sometimes is by over-talking and trying to provide so much reassurance or negotiation that um it it overrides everything we're trying to do. So it almost going into slow mode. So empathize, reassure your child that you're there for them. Um, you might give her some very simple instructions, but um, a lot of that time it's about being there, it's not necessarily about giving any instruction or direction, and most certainly not negotiation in that moment. Now, um, within our tribe training, we have um a method we use called Spark and we teach that within the training. Uh, for our parents and carers listening who've attended that training, this is where you would use Spark. Um, if you haven't attended that training, it's definitely something I would recommend if um you're being faced with uh escalations frequently. Um but it is about slowing down within this moment.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, I think you make a good point about um just like what we're seeing in that moment, you know, reducing instruction, reducing demand. Um, it goes back to the previous point. They're not going to take anything in at that point, so it's like short, sharp instructions, things that they can that they will be able to take in, and but you're there, you you know, you're also telling them that you're there for them as well, you're not going anywhere, your relationship isn't fractured in any way. It is we just need to kind of ride that wave a little bit. Um but it I think it all also comes down to like the language that we're using as well. Um, you know, we we all know our children the best and what will help in that moment and what will trigger in in that moment. So I think we've got to be really selective as well in um in what we're saying. So um to give you an example, um, a few weeks ago I was supporting um uh a child who had who was um engaging in um shouting, swearing, was threatening to be a little bit more physically aggressive, but every time we would go to talk to him to provide that little bit of instruction, and as soon as we said the word calm, you it he behaviours just escalated again, so we quickly learned like this avoid that that word, um, and we changed that then completely. So it's really important, isn't it, that we that we're considering language and what we're saying for to help that child to calm not to trigger anything else.

SPEAKER_00 13:49

Yeah, that's so important because I think in the moment you could be sit you could be saying something like, I'm here for you, I'm gonna do everything I can do to help you calm, and from that word um increases that escalation. Language is so important in trauma-informed care, and I don't think that we always um place the value on it that's needed, but language can turn a situation around either in the positive or in the negative completely, yeah. Uh so we really need to be mindful of our language, particularly during escalations.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Yeah, and I think um for for every child that will look very different, isn't it? And um, we're kind of moving into more those um individualised type type of supports that because we need to know um you know more about what's going on for your child to move away from having more of a general strategy to something more individualised, and that comes back to like what you're saying in the moment as well in the language. Um you know, you as parents and carers will know your children the best to know what's gonna what's gonna trigger, what's gonna come, but when we're planning then um speci very specific um de-escalation strategies, that's what we're looking for, isn't it? More about what what is the purpose of this behaviour, what's the function of that behaviour, and in and individualising those strategies to help them to de-escalate.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Yeah, and I think within all this, you're remembering your own co-regulation as well. So you are the model that your child will learn from, so you have to remain um very calm and um just very consistent in your approach as well. Um so you've got a low tone and you're not using too much language, you're communicating that you're there for them, and but everything that you're exhibiting shows I'm a right, I'm regulated, I'm here for you, I am calm, because they can copy that then, and that's where co-regulation comes in.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yeah, that's such an important point. Um, and I I I think that comes with practice, and it takes a it takes a lot of a lot of practice to kind of nail that. As you were talking, Laura, it was taking me back to my experience working in the school and working with teachers and learning support assistants, and even if you feel um not as regulated yourself as in worried or anxious during that situation, sometimes just the busyness and the and the rush of that that that um behaviour happening, your body language, or from my experience of of working with with teachers in classrooms, becomes very erratic, and you're giving off a different a different message that not I'm regulated myself. So going back to what you were saying earlier, slow it down, like calm yourself down, isn't it? Um, but I I think that that does take a lot of practice and a and a lot of um yeah self-awareness of where you are in that in that situation.

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Yeah, you've you've definitely got to be able to um reflect on yourself and think, and and it's okay to get it wrong as well. Yeah, not really okay. You know, when you reflect and think, oh, I didn't get it quite right that time. Um, and I think you know, the amount of times I've done that with my children and stepped away and thought, oh, I should have dealt with that differently, and that's okay, but we learn from it. Um, and it is very difficult within these situations to always remain calm, regardless of whether you're a parent, carer, teacher, um, whoever you are within that situation, particularly because sometimes our children know the buttons that they need to press to make us escalate. So um just be mindful of that as well.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

In no way, and what that is for you, like what triggers you to go into like a different behavior.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Yeah, um, and I I think remembering you can't de-escalate if you're escalated, um, and if you just keep that in in your head, um, I can't de-escalate if I'm escalated, um, then that will lead you down the right path because it leads you to think, okay, I need to take a step back here.

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Yeah, and I I think that um you know use your resources as well. So, like in a school, you might have a luxury of having more than one learning support assistant, but you might not. But you know, if there's more people that you can call on, tag team, because not every day we're gonna we're gonna be able to regulate, there might be other stuff that's going on in personal lives, um, or just a really tricky day, and it it takes a big person to say, I'm not ready to do this, or I can't support this child right now. I need a tag team. Um, so yeah, or with um, you know, two parents in or carers in the house that you can like tag team. Um it is it's when if if you're a solo carer that becomes a little bit more more difficult when you when you don't feel in the right place to kind of regulate and you're kind of just trying to meddle through to to support, but taking that that step back and that breath of this is what I need to do now usually helps.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

And we call it change of face sometimes as well, just having that change of face, particularly if you're the person who's been around for a long period of time that day, um, can help the child to de-escalate as well.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

Yeah, but yeah, those strategies work work really well.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Sometimes it's easier to look at the things that you don't do when you're trying to de-escalate. Um, so number one would be um don't become escalated yourself. So remembering to take that step back. Um number two, um, I would I always recommend this is not to get into negotiations with um with your child once you start that negotiating process because they're already escalated, they're very likely to up the ante in terms of escalation. Yeah um and um most certainly reduce demands, so don't place more demands, more demands in that moment are going to likely increase escalation.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Yeah, yeah. And we just don't want to jump in and fix you know the the situation, it is about just letting that play out, like you said, Laura, with you know, watch the language that you that you're using, don't place too many demands. Um knowing that you're in firefighting more, we're not fixing anything for for a child, we're just supporting them in that moment, and we will reach a point where they'll start to calm down, um, and we've just got to reach reach that point, so it it can't take as long as it takes. Yeah, and and sometimes that is an hour or so for some children. Sometimes we can we we see that happen for about half hour, you know. But the the more that we follow this advice that we've been speaking about today, you will see those escalations reduce in duration.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

Yeah, so don't try and fix in the moment. No, no, and that kind of brings us quite nicely on to repair. So when the moment's over, what do you do?

SPEAKER_01 20:51

Yeah, r repair, that is so important. Um where we're just using that time to make sure that we're supporting that that space between child and adult, and you're repairing, you're debriefing, I'm always there for you, I still love you. Um that is so important, especially when we're talking about trauma-informed care and working with children that care experience because their thought process is probably well, that's it now. Um but doesn't do anything to our relationship. We just need to try and find something different next time.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

I think the repair is definitely something that adults can find the hardest sometimes because you you may have been supporting a child who has escalated substantially, so they might have thrown things, they might have broken items, they might have called you every name under the sun.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

It's personal.

SPEAKER_00 21:49

Yeah, they might have made it very personal, they might have pushed all of your buttons, and where our advice is well, you need to repair that afterwards, and repair is um really making sure. That they know that that relationship isn't broken and you're still there for them. Um, so it can be really difficult. But as the adults in this situation, the sooner we can do that, and the sooner that we can do that repair, um, the sooner that um you can move forward from that incident that's happened. And um, I think if we think of it in terms of attachment, it could be really helpful to see why it is with it we need to repair. For children who've experienced trauma, their relationships have often continuously broken down. So they might have had multiple relationships with parents, family members, siblings, friends that have broken down, broken down, broken down. And that's what they expect from this is that they've had this escalation and now this relationship is completely broken. So, what we want to do as soon as we can is show them that the relationship isn't broken, the relationship is still there, we're going to move forward, I still love you, I'm still there for you. And you're giving them that positive example of relationships can move on and giving them something to base the next time they're feeling uh like they need to, like they they have to escalate on that actually they can have a conversation, they can talk to you, they can come to you for help. Um, so you're creating that foundation over time.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

Yeah, as you were talking then, Laura, I was thinking about you know, sometimes these escalations happen as a way of like self-sabotage as well. So they they're trying to break that relationship down because that's what's happened in the past and relationships don't stick around. Um, so more often than not we are seeing those behaviours because children want to push you away before you get an opportunity to. So that's why the repair is so important in in both all those contexts to show a child that you're here to stay. Um you know, regardless of their behaviour, you're gonna continue to support them.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Yeah, and you'll be there for them. Yeah, yeah. Which is one of the most important things you can do. So to finish up today, we have a question from a foster carer, and the foster carer has said that um she practices co-regulation all the time. So she has um uh young lad who um escalates to shout in, swearing, throwing items, and she practices co-regulation and will co-regulate with him. Um, but he continues to escalate and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. So he'll escalate to hit in and punch in, um, will break items, and it doesn't seem to de-escalate very quickly, and there will always be be damage because either someone will get hit or something will get broken. Um so what would you recommend in that situation, Rachel?

SPEAKER_01 24:44

Yeah, that that's tough. Um what what I would be recommending in that situation is um to have more of an individualized um strategy then for for de-escalation, um, so you have something very specific to um that young lad, what is kind of driving his behaviours and what's gonna help him to calm in in that in that moment. Um what I will also say as well is um this is the importance of data as well to know what is exactly going on when when when things are escalating. Because I think sometimes we can perceive situations to be worse than while they while they are, in that we could be making a tiny, tiny bit of progress, but sometimes that's missed, especially when you know that that carer seems to be managing though those behaviours at such a frequency, it's gonna feel like it's really hard and nothing's getting better. So it's always great to kind of revisit our our data to see like how often is that happening and what is the duration of those behaviours to see if if that is making an impact, but that definitely sounds like we do need something a little bit more individualized as well.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Yeah, because I think I I believe we've done a podcast on this before, but um there are different types of intervention, and what we've talked about in terms of co-regulating, making sure you're taking a step back, making sure that you're remaining calm, um being reassuring, they're what we'd call generalized interventions. Um, whereas for many young people who escalate in this manner, so it's actually to um break in items or um hurting themselves or others, they need an individualised strategy. Um, so somebody who can come in and look at exactly what's going on and then make some recommendations to the parent or carer um based on what's uh individual to that young person.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Absolutely. Yeah, but yeah, that you know it's tough, isn't it, when you're dealing with that day in and day out. Yeah. It feels like you're trying everything and that is working.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

Yeah, and I think um there's probably not enough information out there about individualised interventions, but um they're really needed for some of our young people, so recognising when that's needed and then asking for that support is what our recommendation would be.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

Okay, so that brings us to the end of our podcast um on de-escalation. So I think the the important thing to kind of take away um is to look at de-escalation and break it down step by step. So, first thing we need to be doing is taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and knowing that you're in firefighting mode. Um, it's important to reduce demands in in that moment. Um be really mindful of your language that will help calm and and not trigger. Um, and then if you need anything a little bit more individualized, then really looking at you know what are the what's the purpose of those behaviours and how can I support de-escalation that's individual to my child. And then what's really really important is after um we've supported de-escalation is to find that time to repair with your child and repair that that relationship.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

Thanks Rachel. Hopefully that's been helpful today. If you want to know more about trauma informed care, then subscribe to Tribe Talk for more trauma informed care in practice.