How to Help Children & Teens Who Get Angry | #TRIBETalk Ep. 37

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore one of the most common challenges faced by parents, carers, and professionals: supporting children and teenagers who become angry. While anger is often viewed as the problem, it is usually a signal that something deeper is going on. Beneath anger may be fear, anxiety, frustration, shame, overwhelm, or unmet needs that a young person is struggling to express in other ways.

Using a trauma-informed and behavioural lens, we discuss why some children and teens experience anger more intensely than others, what may be driving these reactions, and how adults can respond effectively. Rather than focusing solely on stopping angry behaviour, this episode explores how to understand it, reduce escalation, and help young people develop healthier ways of managing and communicating difficult emotions.

Episode Highlights

•  What may sit underneath angry behaviour 
•  How trauma can influence emotional regulation and anger 
•  Common triggers for anger in children and teenagers 
•  The difference between reacting to anger and understanding it 
•  Practical strategies to reduce escalation and conflict 
•  How to teach emotional regulation and coping skills 
•  Supporting long-term change rather than short-term compliance

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Tribe Talk. If you're a parent who wants to use trauma-informed care, then today's podcast is for you. You're here with Laura Neal. I'm Rachel Evans. And today we're going to be talking about how you can help your child to manage anger.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Have you ever wondered why a child has just become extremely angry after something has happened, which seems quite small? So you've turned the Xbox off or asked them to put their shoes away or asked them to come downstairs for a snack and then World War III erupts and you're left wondering what has just happened. So today's episode, we're going to be talking about how we can help your child manage anger.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

So Rachel, I think this can be such a difficult thing for parents to deal with. And it can, I think there's there's different ways that presents with different children, but it can just be them pushing back at you, or it could result in them hitting out or throwing or punching something. You just don't know where it's going to go. And as a parent, you're left there thinking, what the heck just happened? Because it doesn't seem to be related to what we were talking about or what I asked them to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

No, because that might seem quite small to you, what you just asked them to do, um, and then you're just met with what looks like anger, and and that can that's really exhausting for parents, especially um if you're if you're dealing with these, let's just call them anger outbursts, multiple times a a day. And you mentioned like physical behaviours as well, so hitting out, kicking, um, destroying some of the household items, the property destruction, that is exhausting to to deal with, and especially if it's happening time and time again, like mul like I said, multiple times a day. When is the time to think about what am I gonna do next? Because you're in firefighting mode, what it feels like the majority of the time.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Yeah. And I think it's worth remembering as well that um as a parent, you're typically it's not to do with you in this situation, it's to do with something else, and we'll get into what that might be in a moment. But you can very much feel to blame, um, you can start to see things escalating at times as well, and it happens once and then it's twice, and then it's three times, and you start thinking, well, what's going on? Because we've gone from a really calm household to a household that is no longer calm at all, and things just seem to be getting worse, and like you said, don't have time to take a breath and think, Well, what do I do about this? Yeah, um, and knowing that that isn't always related to something that you've done. Um, and um, I you know, I know from my own household that my children can uh one thing can lead to another thing and another thing, and that is quite a typical um experience for children is one thing leads to something else and something else, and um it just escalates then over time. Um and sometimes you you don't even realise, well, why is this happening?

SPEAKER_00 3:07

And I think the most hurtful thing for parents um from from my discussions and consultations, it's when they've planned something that that they think is really nice, um, or they go in on a on a day trip, and you know, it's cost a lot of money, um, a lot of planning has gone into it, and then we get this response from children, and it then it can absolutely feel for us as parents, personal, that you know, we've done this, we've spent a lot of money, we've planned all this, and it hasn't gone to planned because um you know my child as in as has been really angry, and I think it's really hard. I I'm gonna say it for the podcast. I think this would definitely cross people's minds. Like, I've done this for you, and why have you spoiled it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Um I think that I think that's language that parents parents use, even if it's talking to themselves, like they've they've spoiled it, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Yeah, you spoiled the the the day that I planned, and I think that that's what's really hurtful, and it's I think uh everything that you just described as well, Laura, but when when things when these behaviours happen time and time again, like parents have met with anger time and time again, it's really difficult not to take lots of what they're seeing personally.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yeah, 100%. Um, and that can be really hard. Um, and I think if you're a parent listening to this whose child is frequently having these anger outbursts, or if you're a parent listening whose child has only just started having anger outbursts, and you want to know what to do, um that's what we're going to go into now. But um, both of those situations, I think um, there's definitely things that you can do and definitely things you can do to help. Yeah. Rachel, what we often see is big behaviours on the surface. So we might see this, uh, these anger outbursts, this shouting at you as a parent, um, tantruming, running away, slamming doors, throwing items, um, can escalate into punching sometimes, or siblings are a good target, usually, aren't they? If um, there's an outburst going on. But that's what we see on the surface. What might be going on underneath?

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah, I think this is so karman, isn't it? Where there could be like a whole host of emotions, feelings that are going on beneath that behaviour, but we're just seeing anger. So for us for some children, it could be um shame about a um a behaviour and action that they've engaged in previously. Um, could be fear of something, some anxiety that they might be feeling, and then that's kind of directed at other people, like to other people in the in the home, to their parents, or to siblings. So you're you know, as parents, we're getting the um aftermath of like an emotion that they might be feeling that that isn't isn't anger at all, um, but they're just feeling something very different inside and struggling to know how to communicate or cope or cope with that.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

Yeah, and I think those things that they're struggling with, they don't have to have happened recently, and they can be um what we call, I guess, slow burn things as well. So uh one of the things that um we're dealing with in my household at the moment is exam stress. Now that exam stress has been there for the past two months, but it's more of that slow burn is it's continuously there, and all of a sudden you get this big outburst because of the anxiety over exams. But that that comes out not as anxiety over exams, it comes out as I hate you. Why have you made me uh make my bed or why have you made me get up this early this morning um slamming doors and just getting very irritated? Nothing so it's not on the surface, it's not connected, but one is fueling the other.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Yeah, I think you've explained that really well because it's like that small thing that they would do every single day, maybe without you asking, make your bed, just do something that's really small. But it's like all that stuff that's going on underneath with like the maybe the anxiety around I've got this exam to sit, I haven't done as much revision as I would have wanted. This is not the topic that I'm particularly strongest at, and it's like all these thoughts and emotions that's building up, building up, building up. You then ask a simple question, and then you're met with I hate you, you're not my favourite person right now, and it's like whoa, where has that come from?

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Or just like the cold stare, yeah. Yeah, I mean I've got teenagers, so the cold stare comes out quite often.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

But this happens in little ones as well, a little bit different, isn't it? Where they might not be understanding of some of those complex emotions or they might be experiencing, and then don't have the language to be able to communicate to you what they might be feeling in that moment.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Yeah, so I think our message from that is to always think about what is going on underneath. And I used uh exam stress as an example, but it could really be anything, could be friendship difficulties in school, it could be worry over an activity that they're going to do. Um, so you mentioned like a nice trip, um, and we do often see that these bigger outbursts they go alongside um things like trips or holidays away, anxiety over that, anxiety over change, um, going big anxiety a lot a lot of young people have around going through airports. So then you get these big outbursts in an airport where you're actually going on a really nice family holiday, and it is quite difficult to understand why that's happening. So always think about what is underneath, and it could be something that when we start to peel back the layers, we find that it's actually pretty obvious, but it could be something that is not so obvious, and we have to dig a little bit deeper to find uh find the answer. Um, and that's what trauma-informed parenting is really all about is thinking about what is fueling what we're seeing, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

And you make a good point about there are points throughout the year that are particularly diff difficult for children. So you mentioned about exams and and holidays, like that is definitely on parents' minds right now. If if you if you booked a family trip and you're planning that, I think that's stressful anyway, going on a family holiday, trying to organise everybody. But you know, soon we'll be at a time where children are going back to school after the six weeks' holidays, and then we've got Halloween, and then we've got Christmas, like they're big events that happen throughout the year. Um, and we're we're constantly thinking about you know, as as practitioners supporting parents with um with supporting their own children when they're managing to have them manage anger outbursts. Um we're constantly thinking about these these times throughout the year which we know are particularly difficult for our children. Um yeah, because they increase the kind of likelihood that that these difficulties crop up for our children.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

So we've talked about why uh these anger outbursts might happen. Um let's have a look at what doesn't help in situations like this. Uh so what would you say, Rachel? What what what not to do, what doesn't help?

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Yeah, well the first thing is kind of meeting them at that anger. Um I think that's very easy for parents to to do, become like frustrated, maybe lose patience. Um, especially like we said, if you're doing beh multiple behaviours in a day, um and you're exhausted yourself internally, like why is this happening? Um so trying to like take a step back. I think we give that advice all of the time, don't we? Just like take a mental step back, take a deep breath, and it's like okay, now I'm composed to be able to ma manage this. Um, yeah, so trying not to um to meet them in the in the chaos that that that's happening. I think that that is the first thing. Um also just um trying to avoid questioning lots of language around that time, like do this instead, trying to lecture them. We just need to be there as a person to support rather than trying to problem solve and get them to problem solve in the moment because they're not in a place to be able to problem solve, they just need to like sit with that emotion, deal with it. Um, and then we can talk about that after. So trying to limit your language is is important as as well, I would say. Yeah. Um, and and not asking lots of questions and trying to get them to problem solve because they're not in a place to be able to problem solve.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Yeah, so don't not um not trying to explain too much, not trying to negotiate, just limit the amount of language. And um one thing we would say is hold a boundary in place if they're if you've put a boundary in, then again, no, don't negotiate, hold that boundary where it should be. Don't make it um a stronger boundary, but maybe you know hold that boundary where it is. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, so if it's if it's actually no, it's time to come off the Xbox, it's time to come off the Xbox. If it's it's bath time, it's bath time, and we're following through. Now you you can at a different point take a step back and think, okay, is there a different way that we need to deal with this in the future? But in that moment, as soon as you start negotiating, um, that is what your child is going to expect the next time that you're putting that boundary in, and the next time, and all of a sudden you realise that bedtime has moved from 7 pm till 11 pm because you've continuously negotiated that boundary.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Yeah, that's such a good bit of advice because I think it's so easy. Yeah. Um, we talk about it all the time, don't we, that that children kind of change our behaviour all the time, and then our behaviour kind of drifts. So, like you said, we have a um we've said we want to start bedtime at eight, but now it's becoming a seven, now it's becoming eight because um we've negotiated around Xbox or that one more snack. Yeah. Or they can come downstairs for five more minutes of TV time. Um, so yeah, absolutely. Try try to avoid negotiating and have confidence in in yourself that you know that this this is the expectation, this is the boundary that I've set, and I'm confident enough to help you manage those those feelings that they are experiencing right now, but I'm not gonna change my stance um because it's important that you go to bed on time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:56

So, Rachel, what should parents do? Could you give us a step-by-step rundown of what they can do to be able to help their child?

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Yeah, so if um say my child is in front of me displaying um feelings of anger, and that's what I'm being met with, first thing I would do is like I said, is to make sure that I'm regulated myself. So taking that mental step back and a deep breath, okay, I can handle this now and I I can I can support them through that. Um, like I said previously, I'd be limiting my language and um just explaining to them what I expect them to do in that moment. Like you said as well, Laura, like there might be a boundary that I'm that I'm gonna hold, um, and just reminding them of those expectations, but they're very limited language. So if we just use your example of bedtime, um I might just say bedtime's at at seven, we need we need to go to bed. So once you're ready to go to bed, I can help you with that. So you you know you're um just explaining to them what that expectation is. Um and then we you might want to be naming as well what's kind of going on for them, so explain to them I can see that you you're angry right now because you're shouting at me. Once we can use our quiet voices or calm voices, then uh I can help you. So it's almost like I you know I really want to help you with this, but I can't because you're you're meeting me with with this anger, like we've got to engage in some appropriate behaviours first before we can then move to the next step. And that may take a little bit of time, especially for some of our children, um, to help them to calm down, depending on how long a behaviour's been happening for. Um, but it just explains some very simple language, like what we expect, what the boundary is, and that we really want to help. And then I I just you use that analogy of like riding the wave, and that's okay, like that's how behaviour works. Like, we have to ride that wave for a little bit of time, but then once we start seeing some of some of the um appropriate behaviours that we want to see, you can see them starting to calm down. That's our point of entry, then to um to help um support and then like I said, get them get them to bed and and praise them for for that. I was really proud that you just listened um and were able to go to bed and we can have that story that you wanted now. Yeah. Um so it's it's like finding those times where you can acknowledge when they are doing the right thing as well.

SPEAKER_01 16:35

Yeah, so what about safety, Rachel? When um so if a child is angry, if they're if they're angry and shouting, then we're fine. But if they're throwing items, if they start hitting and kicking, what about everyone else in the family and their safety and the child's safety as well? What would you recommend?

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah, depending on that behaviour, you would want to make things as as safe as possible. So that might be um removing some items that they might be throwing, um, or destroying within the home, um, or it could be separating your other children from that room, maybe you know, sending them upstairs, um, or just creating that distance, especially if they're engaging in like any property destruction or or physical aggression, making sure that everybody is is safe first um is is really important. Um, and then you're able to follow those steps, then. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

Rachel, we've got a question from a parent, um, and they ask, My child started getting angry a couple of months ago, and they seem to just be getting more and more angry all the time. So every time that the parent asks them to do something um or um something happens that they don't like, they're getting angry and they're shouting and they're throwing items, and this parent feels that they they just don't know what to do. So, where would you um suggest that they start?

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Yeah, so uh they've said that the things are getting worse and worse. I think we just need to really understand where that behaviour's coming from. Like you said, the beginning of of the podcast, like understanding more about the why behind that behaviour. So, why are they engaging in anger? Are there any particular triggers that that are problematic for them where we can start to pick up on some patterns to understand the the child's anger a little bit more? And then we can start to um because right now I I assume the parent is probably feeling in in firefighting mode where they are just trying to put out the fires, put out those behaviours as they're happening, but then we can move more towards more proactive strategies where we're supporting a child. We can we can preempt, so say for example, we can preempt that when I when a transition is coming up, I know this is a likely, likely time that um my child's gonna become angry. This is what I need to do instead. So we can um more proactively preempt what might be causing the anger and then develop some strategies to to support. But only when we know what's actually going on underneath that behaviour we we can um we can develop something for that child.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

So think about what's underneath like where is this coming from? Because it's probably not coming from the demand that's been placed on the child or the question that they've been asked is coming from something else.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

It could be anything, right? Yeah, you know, we could have you know two parents that we're providing consultations to and a child, both children are angry, but for very different reasons. So it's understanding what is it, what is it specific to that child that is that is causing that emotion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Some key takeaways from today's podcast. If you're dealing with anger from your child, you're continuously seeing these anger outbursts, then think about what's underneath that behaviour. This is what trauma-informed parenting is about, what's under the behaviour that we're seeing and could be fueling that anger. If we can work that out, then we can really understand how we can help our children.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

So, thank you for joining Tribe Talk today. If you want to know more information about trauma informed parenting, then subscribe to Tribe Talk.