5 Mistakes Practitioners Make That Damage Trust with Children | #TRIBETalk Ep. 38

In this episode of TRIBE Talk, we explore five common mistakes that can unintentionally damage trust and weaken relationships with children. Most practitioners enter the profession because they want to make a positive difference, yet even well-intentioned interactions can leave children feeling misunderstood, unheard, or unsafe. Through a trauma-informed and behavioural lens, we examine how trust is built—or broken—in the small, everyday moments that shape relationships.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Tribe Talk. You're here with Laura Neal. I'm Rachel Evans. And today we're talking about five mistakes practitioners make that damage trust with children.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

So even with the best intentions, practitioners can still get some things wrong. So today we're gonna walk you through five karma mistakes that practitioners often make when working with children. Mistake number one is talking more than listening. Yes. And I think this comes up quite a lot when we're trying to fill in the gaps. Like practitioners are trying to fill a silence.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Yeah. We actually talk about this a lot in life story listening, our training, because it it is really difficult to sit there with the silence or um give the child space to respond. And I think often as practitioners, we're trying to fill that space or we're trying to talk so the child feels comfortable when we need to be comfortable with silences ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Yeah, I think that it is so important because it's it's uncomfortable for us to kind of sit in that silence and and it is coming from more of a place of trying to make sure that the child is comfortable and they don't have to fill the awkward silences. But if we let's just say over talk and not give that opportunity to to talk to us and we listen, then yeah, we're just kind of filling in the gaps. Yeah. And yeah, children don't feel like they can bring anything to that conversation.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

And if we do just listen, we allow um that space for them to actually come out with things that maybe they wouldn't have told us otherwise. Um, but where it breaks trust is if you were going to see a child and you are you were the talker, so you're talking, talking, talking, talking, and you might come away and you might think, oh, that was a really good visit, or that was a really good appointment or meeting. Um we I really got a lot out of that. But what did the child get out of that? Because does the child feel listened to? Does the child feel like you know them, or does the child just feel like you talked over them?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Yeah, and f also feel like you're telling them what to do, yeah. Um, in in some respects, whereas you're not coming from that place in you know at all, but you're just trying to get through that visit and and get through what what you want to see, but not giving them that that opportunity to to bring something that they want to bring to the conversation. Um so it's just like one of those traps, I think, which it which people can easily fall into, practitioners can easily fall into.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

I think so, and I think in many contexts as well. So it could be in school, it could be um social worker doing a visit or therapy sessions as well. Like you get a lot out of a therapy session because there's lots of talking going on, but again, what does the child get out of that? Um, so always thinking, am I talking too much?

SPEAKER_00 2:52

So, in the life study listening training, Laura, what what tips do you kind of give practitioners and and parents and carers that come on to that to be more of an active listener?

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Yeah, so you could ask more open questions, be comfortable with silences, as we've said, and um little prompts we find really helpful as well. So if there's things that you know the child might want to talk about, you might give a little prompt, um, show curiosity, uh, but then almost take a step back and don't say very much. The silence gives them that opportunity, the prompt introduces the topic, um, then the silence gives the opportunity for them to talk.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

I suppose in some respects as well, you could say to a child, I can see that this conversation is a little bit uncomfortable for you, or I'm noticing this about your presentation, let's just take five minutes to to to just sit and and and be like none of us need to talk until you're ready. Yeah. Um so it it takes that pressure off them a little bit, and you're you're offering them to join the conversation when they're ready. So mistake number two um is practitioners not doing what they've promised or said that they were gonna deliver on. So some examples of that just saying that we we're gonna do a visit and then don't show up for that visit, or we I'm gonna take you to this contact session, um, and it's not you that's doing that, or think something's cancelled last minute, that can be um disheartening for children and really um breaks down that trust but between you know, you're not saying what you mean and mean what you say, yeah, you're maybe not turning up or not communicating why haven't you delivered?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

And I think just not following through on the activities that you say you're gonna do. So um just thinking back to my days as a social worker, um a huge challenge with social workers is getting children passports. But if you go and you say, I'm gonna get you a passport and then you don't do it, that's a huge break of trust. But I think that translates to so many different situations. I'm gonna find out this piece of information for you and you don't do it. Um, I'm gonna visit you on this day and you don't do it. I'm gonna go and speak to school because you've got this problem and you don't do it. It is really following through on everything that you say you're going to, and if you cannot follow through, then don't say it in the first place. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Um, and that's what we like practice in our therapy sessions of just thinking back to what you know when we're doing some life story sessions with with children, and you know, part of that introduction into those sessions is I'm gonna try and be that investigator to find out all this information about about your life, but I cannot promise I'm gonna find everything or answer all of your questions. I am just the investigator, yeah, and I will try my best. So we're not promising that we will absolutely be able to answer all of their questions, yeah. Because that obviously that that is reliant on the information being there in the first place. Um so it's just being very careful, isn't it, with our with our language when when we are making um or saying to children that we can deliver on something when we're not 100% sure that we can.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

And I think if we um think of the majority of children who've experienced any type of adverse childhood experience um or early life trauma, they've had so many people who've broken promises to them or haven't done what say they say they're gonna do, so they expect you not to do it. So the minute you go in there as a practitioner and you don't follow through, the trust is broken.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Yeah, and that's another person to them to reinforce that internal core belief of I can't trust any adult. Yeah. Because when they say they'll do something, they never do.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

And then the impact is even more significant than a oh well I didn't do that thing that I said I was gonna do, but it was only a one-off. The impact is huge.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Yeah, the impact is huge. Um so yeah, that is uh another um common mistake that practitioners can fall fall into if we're not um delivering on what we've what we've said, it can really uh break break trust with with with the children that we're supporting. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Uh so mistake number three then, and this is when you came up with Rachel, is um not planning for any transitions properly. And when you said this, I was thinking about transitions between homes, transitions between schools would be another one. Um, if you're a therapist, transitioning from one therapist to another or um from one therapy centre to another therapy centre, it can be any transition.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Yeah, this comes up so much, doesn't it? Yeah, across all of those, all of those different examples. Um, and I think this comes up more often than not because it's everything's just so fast-paced. Yeah, you know, if you just take placement, for example, so a child moving from one foster placement to another, um, there's a bit of a process in between that where you've got to identify a placement, see if there's a match, and then make introductions and all of that, but it's sometimes it's so fast-paced, but and we're not giving the the child a chance to be part and prepare for that for that transition.

SPEAKER_01 8:06

And uh school well, we're just coming up to the end of um the year now, so school is another one. So if a child is transitioning from um junior school into comprehensive school, those transitions need to be planned. Um, they need to be planned far more for children who've experienced trauma, but they should be planned for all children and um allowing those days when they can go and visit and um see what it's going to be like, but they need information, they need to be involved.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

Yeah, so all of the children that I'm working with currently, even if they're moving into a different class and having those conversations with school like two months ago, yeah, like when are we planning this in? Um, because it's you know they might be going to a different part of the school, and it's like, oh what what do I do with my bag? Where's the nearest toilet? Who's my teacher gonna be? Are my peers gonna be following me into my next lesson? What are the lessons gonna be like? And I've got a little one at the moment who is is moving from more of like a foundation phase setting into a setting where you have to sit and and concentrate. So it it it that that transition is massive for for children, and if we're not communicating that to the child and preparing them for that, uh we're we're setting them up for failure. Um, so yeah, more often than not, we we need to provide that time to prepare. Um, children need that time to to prepare, um, and we need to communicate what that looks like to them.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Or you'll find that in September they come back and you're already on the back foot because they don't trust uh it's not it's not even one person, they don't trust the school in those circumstances, or if um they've moved home, they don't trust the people they're now living with. Um if they've moved therapists, they don't trust the new therapist because their previous therapist didn't transition them properly. It applies in all circumstances.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Yeah, I know we we really carefully plan if if we if we're transitioning to therapist, if a if um a practitioner's completed an assessment for a child but then a different therapist needs to then support, that is thoroughly planned and we have those overlap sessions so the child get gets used to and there's time to build rapport because that is so important, isn't it? When we when we're working with children to give them that time to to prepare. Yeah. Um but I I I think is it sticks out more and why I came up with with that mistake is is when children are are moving homes because we see it in the in the conversations we have with children, they have so many misconceptions, then there's a lack of trust with adults and they just get really confused later on in life, then when what happened when.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Yeah. What happened when, whose fault was it? Of course it was my fault because nobody told me it was happening and then I had to move it. Yeah, brings up so much for them, doesn't it? Yeah, so it's really important to get that one right.

SPEAKER_00 10:57

So the fourth mistake that um that practitioners are often make is again with the best intentions, we're we're trying to protect the child as much as possible. But I think that can lead then to withholding information, like important information, which the the child should um be told. Yeah. So going back to the last mistake around a placement move, yeah, that should absolutely be communicated. Um or or another one is when cut you know when contacts go on ahead. I don't want to tell them when when contacts go on ahead just in case parents don't show up. And I and I think it that just we just fall into a bit of a trap then as to we're not communicating exactly what's going on for a child in in their life, we can prepare them um a lot better. Yeah. Um for for those for those events. So it's important that we're communicating that information.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Yeah, and it's it where this happens is usually around difficult topics, isn't it? So um you've mentioned placement moves, but um and you've mentioned um contact if children are in care, but if children have um parents who are separated, it could um be contact arrangements between parents as well. Uh it could be other pieces of difficult information. Uh something that comes up all the time, but children are referred for therapy for uh is because they haven't been told there's been a bereavement in the family, and um, because everybody's worried about how they're going to re respond, so nobody's told them, and then they come to therapy for the therapist to help the uh parent or carer to tell them. Or a sibling has been born. Yes, or a sibling that's been born is it is another one that doesn't live with a child, so the child isn't aware of that. Um so it is all around these difficult conversations. Uh, but what we know is the longer you leave those conversations that actually need to be had, the more difficult it gets and the bigger the impact on the child.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

Yeah, and I think we run the risk of the child finding out in other means. Oh, 100%. And then that that can be even more of a of a difficulty for that child because it could be inaccurate. Yeah. Um and they they found out, say, on social media or um through um through somebody else. Someone uh sometimes children go to school and their friend tells them a piece of information which a practitioner should have communicated. Um so we just run the risk of those inaccuracies then um being told to to the to the child when we could have had that conversation and relayed exactly how how we would have liked to.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

Yeah, so always important to have those, and we deal with the big conversations, but we deal with the big conversations because children then come to therapy because other people haven't had them. So, as a practitioner, always be thinking about how you can have those more difficult conversations, which we've actually got a podcast on as well. Yes, yes, check that one out. Yeah. Mistake number five is not asking for views and feedback.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

Yes, I think again, we've said this about all the common mistakes, but something that we come up with cut come up against it a lot where things just happen, care plans get changed for for children. They um it came up yesterday actually in our board meeting where we were talking about um how we communicate to a child that they're gonna receive therapy, you know. That doesn't happen sometimes, so it's involving them in in the the decision making, getting their feedback, how how schools go in, how therapy's going. Yeah, it's so important to get their their videos and feedback. The trust with the adults around them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

Um, Luke gave a really great example yesterday, didn't he? If we were if we were surveying a lot of adults and asked adults, um, would you want to give your views on whether you wanted therapy? What would you say? And all of the adults that he surveyed and said, Yeah, of course I'd want to give my views. I'd want to say what I wanted from that therapy. Um, then why aren't we having these conversations with children um about what are your views on going to attend therapy? Or it doesn't have to be therapy, it can be anything that they attend, but we should be getting their their views.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Yeah. Um it just builds the the the trust and um and giving children an opportunity to be able to feed back, like you said, on things like like therapy. We were talking about in the context of therapy yesterday, but even about about school or how contact is is going, um, if they have contact with you know siblings and then parents separate or grandparents, like how are all those things going? Yeah, um, what would you like? Because I think for social workers in particular, I think they're constantly reviewing um the frequency of contact. Well, uh we can ask the the child that um to give feedback on how they think it's going. Yeah. Um just going back to therapy. I know we we often ask our our children that they're coming to therapy, you know, when would you like your therapy session to happen or or where? Yeah. Um, especially those sessions that are happening in school. We've changed them so many times for some children because it happens on a lesson that they're really good at or they really enjoy, or it's in a break time, and they don't want to spend the time with us, they want to spend the time on the yard.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

And they don't want to be they don't want to seem different, do they? So sometimes it is a like we we tend to go to children when we can. Sometimes children come to us, um, but if we can we we will accommodate going to see a child in school, but that's not always the best place for the child. Um, they might not want to come out of a lesson to go to a therapy session, yeah. Um, they might not want their friends to know about that, they might not want to miss out on things, and getting that feedback is so important.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

We need to know that, yeah. Um, so it's so important, and again, it goes back to that that first point that we were making about being more of an active listener. Um it feeds into into this point, doesn't it? Like we it's important that we're getting that feedback from the from the children, we're getting their views, so we can change things. That's we're not making any assumptions then.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

Yeah. And not change everything, but change the things that will make them more comfortable as well. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. So those are our five mistakes that practitioners make. The first is talking more than listening. The second is not doing what you say you're going to do. The third, trying to withhold information. Fourth, not planning transitions properly, and fifth, not asking for views and feedback.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

So, thank you for joining us for this week's um episode on Tribe Talk. Hopefully, you took something from that that you can start using in your practice. But if you want more information about trauma-informed care in practice, then subscribe to Tribe Talk.