That will hurt my feelings

Insta: 

@bubblemaster @mydatingrefresh

sykedaboutbeauty.com

code:   Sami10

I was on Date My Mate! Don't know what that is?? Look it up. Today I also talk about my recent feelings and problems with dating apps. Maybe a few hot takes. Sorry just being honest. Looking for info on Irish men. Last but not least I reveal who DM'd me...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello! Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of My Dating Refresh. I am Sammy. I am the host. Which doesn't really mean much because there's no one else here but just me in my bed. Anyways. Feels good to be laying in bed just yapping on a Thursday night. Not gonna lie, not gonna lie. It was hard to go back to work this week. I was in Flaming Gorge with my auntle all weekend for the 4th of July, and getting back into life was so much harder this week. To be fair, my period was like four days late. Okay, I was waiting for Brittany to have her baby. And I I could feel the anxiety all weekend, all week. And now that it's uh Thursday night, I'm like, thank fucking god. Oh my god. I just needed to like chill for a second because holy cow. Something about like not even knowing what's causing you anxiety, but knowing that there's like something that's how I felt all week. And then I clicked and I went, oh duh. Literally, my best friend's having her baby. And uh I had a full weekend of relaxing. What did you do in Flaming Gorge? Thanks for asking. Um, first off, I took my electric car there for the first time, so ah it's nice to know that I can actually drive and be somewhere further away than where I thought I could. If you don't have an electric car, that's hard to explain. But basically, I found out that my car can make it that distance and I can make it back just fine. Because we all know that I bought my car literally just for like little stuff around town. So to be able to know that I can like go places in my little car. And it was the comfiest drive ever. Literally, I put it on cruise control, it's got the adapting cruise control. Anyways, we don't even want to hear about that. That's fucking dumb. Anyways, in Flaming Gorge, we uh hung out on the boat, we drank a little, hung out, laughed, enjoyed the campfire. Um, on Saturday, on the fourth, we got on the boat and I was so sleepy. I must have really needed the sun and a little bit of relaxed time because I genuinely I genuinely like slept on the way there. We were on the boat, rocking and rolling. I was sitting straight up, and all of a sudden I opened my eyes and I'm like, I've been asleep that entire ride. Like I we were bumping around and I'm just like snoozing. And then we got to our destination, kind of hooked up on a buoy, and then I actually hooked up our paddle board and I just napped on the paddleboard. I sat in the sun, let myself get a little crispy, a little crunchy, a little just kidding. I actually didn't get that burnt, but I just sat and fucking enjoyed it. It was so good. And getting to like hang out with my aunt and uncle and their friends. So good. And then the fourth, they actually had uh like a little like a band, like some sort of little cover band that was there, and everyone was like hanging out, dancing, swinging around. It was good, it was a good time. And I drove home and went to work. And here we are. It was a good weekend. Good fourth. How's everyone with this fourth?

SPEAKER_01 3:37

I'm leaving room for you to tell me. That sounds like so much fun.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Um, sick invite. What did I do the week before? I actually got presented in an event. If you've heard of Date My Mate, it's pretty big right now in Utah, but basically, your friend creates a presentation of you. You go up in front of a group of singles and get presented. I did that. I got to get that done to me. So Brittany Boo Bitney, little she's literally been nine months pregnant for a million years, I feel like, but nine months pregnant was like, I'll present you. Let's do it. She puts together a entire like an entire slideshow, shows up, we get there. It's packed, by the way. So packed. We walk in, there's a ton of people just up front, willing to help, so friendly. We get a name tag, we go to back go to the back, and all the presenters have a little box of their face on it, so you can put compliments in there. And they've just got tons of room for mingling and drinks and hanging out, right? So we get rolling, we're like second to last. So my sweet pregnant friend sat through the entire event with me. Um, a few of my coworkers were there. It was so fun. Um, we get up on stage and Brittany destroyed it, killed it. It's so good. I knew half the stuff that was gonna be in the presentation, and I still was embarrassed, which was so fun. I got lots of numbers. I went on a date with a 37-year-old. He's actually very cute. I think I'll see him again. He's like fucking 6'4, though, dude. What the hell? People still exist that are that on that tall. That's crazy. Literally crazy. But we had a good time. And 10 out of 10, everyone should go to an event like that because I had a great time. Okay, and you might also be wondering. Okay, you said Brittany is super pregnant. You've been anxious all week about having her baby. Where are we at with that? I'm an aunt! She had her baby. Have I gotten to meet him yet? No, he's fresh out of there, okay? He's fresh out of Coochie Bill. It's on my list. It's on my list. Um, as soon as she's ready for me, I'll be there. I will be there. I'm excited to meet my new little best friend who came out of my best friend. Okay, she was sending me pictures today, though, and I was looking at him, and he's okay. He's so cute. Oh, I just really want to bite his head so hard. But he's so cute. I'm like dying. I'm gonna cry. But um seeing pictures of her and him, what the hell? She, my friend, has a baby now. Like, she's a mother. Well duh, obviously. Um, but like she's a mother. That my mind is like having a hard time comprehending that she has a little being that she has to take care of. She she made him and then pushed him out. That is crazy. And I'm gonna get to just hold him and enjoy him. Crazy, crazy. So, um, if anyone's looking to make one of those, get get over here. Let's do it. I'm team make my own. I'm worried that I'm just gonna get more and more and more baby hungry the more I get to hang out with this little man. Um, because I was already pretty baby hungry. Not gonna lie. My mom's literally like, I wish I had grandkids. And I'm like, Jody, don't worry. I've I've been trying, I've been practicing years and years of it actually, and to no avail, no avail. Um, maybe in Ireland, who knows? Oh my god. Side note dating apps. I've fallen off the wagon. Remember last time we were talking about, let's see, what were my goals? I'm gonna I'm gonna go back in my notes a little bit. Um, my goals for dating apps, what we talked about last time was don't become pen pals. Don't continue convers. What the fuck, Sam? Are you having a stroke? Don't continue combos. You're dreading. And the app is a tool, not a lifestyle. Okay, all right. Um, well, I've ghosted so many people. Not even on purpose. There's been a few that it's like had the interest, but oh my god. I just I get I get real tired. It's so sad, but I get really burnt out. Um, dating apps suck the life out of me. Dating sucks the life out of me. I really want to have the energy to do it, but for some reason, I really love my me time right now. I love it. I want to just like curl up inside of it and make love to it. That's my me time is like my me time right now. And I need to shake out of that because I I want to meet somebody. I want to go on dates, I want to have a good time again. And lately the dates I've been going on have been fun. I went on two dates with this gentleman. It's been like spread out for the past couple like months, and I'm excited to see him again. Like, it's chill, it's easy, I've been good, I've had a little bit of a roster. I'm not just settling into one thing. That's that's what we fucking do, yo. Dog, we're on this, but the gaining more and then going on dates and making time for dates has been not so good, not so good. Um, side note, men. We gotta have a serious talk. Like a literal serio like a literal serious talk. If I go on one more date where someone goes, wow, you're so tall. Well, no fucking duh. I said I was 5'8. Men. Women do not lie about their height. Shocker! Crazy. We have no reason to. And you really don't either. I don't fucking get it. Just say how tall you are. It is not a big deal. You do not need to exaggerate because you know what? I'm gonna show up and you're gonna be like, why the fuck is she actually as tall as she said she was? Ugh. Here's the thing. I've dated all heights. I do not give a fuck. I never have. Um, I may be a tall gal. I'm not that tall, but I am a tall gal. Um, women don't lie about their height. We literally don't lie about our height. And when you're lying about yours, you look dumb, first off, because I'm gonna show up and I'm gonna get an I'm just gonna know. Second, you're gonna look double dumb when you're looking at me like, why is she so tall? What the it's hurting my feelings. It's hurting my feelings. My feelings are getting hurt. Um, I'm actually not a firm firm believer of you miss all the shots you don't shoot. Okay, this is gonna be a really hot take. Everyone can judge me. I get genuinely offended when someone who I feel like is not in my league shoots their shot so hard on dating apps. If you send me an entire paragraph of why I should date you, and I just feel like you're not in my league, why does that hurt my feelings? Is that something wrong with me? It's I it's gotta be my self-esteem. I'm like, you thought I was gonna swipe right? That's so mean of me. But genuinely, I'll see a man that's like fine as shit, and I'm just like, uh, I'm gonna swipe left. I'm gonna, I'm gonna let him do his thing. One, because most beautiful men are just fucking disgusting. I love my medium ugly men. Unfortunately, I love my medium ugly men. Um, would I love a really handsome man? Sure, sure. Um, but I'm not that in my hot girl era to be dating a handsome, handsome man, right? You know? So I think that I I'm pretty comfortable with the medium ugly, but the the not so the unfortunate, the the not so cute, I'm sorry, I'm not at that level in my life yet. I don't hate myself that much yet, unfortunately. In fact, and it just it hurts my feelings. You're hurting my feelings right now. The men that are like, so I have, okay, on my I think it's my hinge. I have a sorry, I'm so sniffly. Ugh, I hate that. On my hinge, I have a little voice note and it's you know how they have the little like titles, like what you can build off of. It's like, I'll brag about you to my friends if, and so my voice memo says, I'll brag to you about my friends if you don't suck. The amount of men that respond, they're like, Don't worry, baby. I don't suck. You probably do. If you have to tell me you don't suck, you probably fucking do. Do I hate men right now? No, I love men. Um, I wish I was my man-hating era. I've been trying I've tried. I just can't do it. I just can't do it. And it hurts my feelings. My feelings are hurt. Ooh. Ooh. Another tiff. Men. Men. You know which of your friends is hot. I'm sorry. You may not be gay, but you know which of your men's are hot. It hurts my feelings when I'm looking through, and I just think your friend is hotter than you. It hurts my feelings. Post yourself either just pictures of you or with your ugly friends. Because I'm if I'm tapping through going, mmm, that is some fine shit. And then I go, ugh, this is not his Tinder. This is somebody else's. This is this is the other one. It hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings. And what's funny is I probably would have been attracted to you if you didn't have your super hot friend next to you. These are first impressions, my dude. I've got some baddie friends, okay? And you know what? I pick and choose which pictures we post of each other. If we both look hot, yeah, I'm gonna put them both in my Tinder, right? I don't give a fuck. If we both look hot, but if she looks hotter than me in a photo, that's not going on my Tinder. That's not going on my dating app. My Instagram, sure. Sure. Absolutely. I want my hot friends to be on my page. Please bring in the views. But if it's on a dating app, I want people to be looking at me. I want them to be like, damn, she's fine shit. She's hot. So when you're posting your hot friends and you're putting them in your account like this, I'm gonna be kind of let down when I realize it's not them. It's kind of basic psychology, right? It's like the group photos. You can put a group photo if it's very apparent of which one you are. I've got a little bit of face blindness. Do you ever go through someone's dating app and they're you're looking through their pictures and you go, wait, which one was he? You want to like zoom in? You're like zooming in on the group photo and you're like, are you attractive in this? Are you not? What's up with people posting pictures themselves that are just so obviously not flattering as well? It hurts my feelings. My feelings are hurt. Why are you why are you posting stuff that I'm like, oh, sweetheart? Sure, I have some unflattering photos, but like they're funny, unflattering. They're not like genuinely like this blurry, icky photo. Take some good picks. Be hot shit. Be fine shit. Auto-tune that shit. Catfish me. Do better catfishing me. Because right now you're hurting my feelings. My feelings are getting hurt. Kaka. Pooh poo kaka. I put a trap on my dating app as well, by the way. Um ladies, I advise you as well. If you're looking for a husband, catch him in the act. I took a very shmexy photo of myself in a bikini as of recent. Okay. Does it have hot dogs on it? Absolutely. Of course it does. Um, I love a good hot dog. And on my hinge, I put this said bikini photo at the very bottom of my account. Okay. And any man who either likes or comments on that photo, caught. You're fucking caught. Kukka. Um, I've got a gun up against your head. Okay, sorry, actually, don't say that. Um, I'm not gonna swipe right. If I can tell that you're just after my sexy photo, cucka, icky, that's not gonna get in my pants, unfortunately. Um, sure, I want you to think I'm hot, but also, you know what's really hot? My brain yap with me a little bit. I'm you know what hurts my feelings? You know what really hurts my feelings is this thing where men start messaging you and they're like, oh, really? What did that mouth do? What does my brain do? You're hurting my feelings. This immediate jump to like like sexting is so weird. It's so weird, it's so gross. I'm bugged. I I really can't, I can't fucking deal with it. Because don't get me wrong, I love a little sexting, but we gotta have a little context first. Okay, we have to talk beforehand, we have to know each other beforehand something, because if I go straight into, yeah, I really want to bounce on it, or oh my god, you're so hot. What happens when we meet in person and I don't actually feel that way? What if we meet in person and I'm like, actually, you're ugly as fuck? Or your personality sucks. I don't want to look back and be like, ooh, we kind of like emotionally had sex. It hurts my feelings. My feelings are hurt. Uh so ladies, that's a good way to catch them. Um, bikini picks. Same thing with men in your shirtless picks. Is that a is that a trap? Because I'm not gonna lie, I don't swipe on men who have like a bunch of shirtless picks. One of you having a good time in a shirtless pick, hell yeah, brother. I like a little show. I'll take the little show. I'll take the confidence show. Um, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. So I'm gonna like a photo or I'm gonna comment on one of the photos that have you doing something fun. I'm not gonna comment on the ab pick. I'm I'm not that slutty. No, no, no, no, no. And plus, if you think that I'm trying to just get in your pants, it's gonna hurt my feelings. My feelings are gonna be hurt. I want I just want to be loved. In fact, we're doing something for the bit. Something for the bit has come up. Um, for those of you who maybe have been off the apps for a while, Tinder has something called traveling mode or something like that. It's some fucking name. And you can basically pay extra to move your location wherever. Um, I am a firm believer that paying extra for dating apps is dumb because they have the regulations on there. You can only have this many swipes. You do not need unlimited swipes, you don't need your account to be shown more. I'm sorry. It's gay. It's dumb. It's it's so dumb. I'm gonna judge you. Um, but but I had a brilliant idea. It's so embarrassing. I had a brilliant idea. I thought, oh my god, I'm going to Ireland in a month. And I mean, wouldn't it be nice to meet a fella or two? To meet a lad. So am I paying the basically $20 a month to move my location to Ireland? Yes. How long has it been going on? About a week. And I've been swiping, I've been yapping, I've been unmatching. With several. Um, I've got a few cuties, I've got a few, and I've got lots of ideas, lots of options. It's been fun. It's been pretty fun. Um, am I getting the results I want to? Like, am I starting to believe that the whole idea of falling in love with a foreign man, like in a rom-com, is gonna happen? The dreams are getting crushed. They're getting, it's funny how men all of the world are pretty similar. They all start off with the, oh, you're so sexy. I'd love to put that in my mouth. And I'm just deflecting and I'm like, oh, what are you talking about? I'm innocent. I don't know what that means. Ooh, cooka. Uh, but you know, if I get laid in a foreign country, who fucking cares? Right? At this point, I might not ever see them again. A few one night stands may not be the end of the world. It might not be. Judge me as you will. It's been a minute. Um, and I'm gonna go into Ireland and do my thing. I'm gonna hang out. Am I there for the culture and the beauty and to travel and see new places? Absolutely. I'm through the roof so excited. Um, but is there a small chance that I could fall in love with a foreign man with a sexy accent? Yeah. Absolutely. But men are men. So we'll see. We'll see. Um I can feel everyone judging me right now. It's for the bit. It's fun. I've been yapping with Irish men. Do you blame me? It does kind of excite me for traveling more in the future, though. As silly as that sounds, I'm like, okay, where am I going next year? Where am I moving my tender location to so I can chat with men for next year? We gotta we gotta start prepping. Like, should I go to Italy next year? Although I've heard the men in Italy are the worst. Tell me. Someone from Italy, let me know. Um, my Instagram is the DMs are open. It's at my dating refresh on Instagram. So please let me know how do we feel about different men all over the world? What what do I need about what do I need to know about men in Ireland? I I could use some in fact DM me and let me know what I'm getting myself into because I mean so far it's been fine. Lots of gentlemen, but also lots of just regular men. I'm I'm I'm learning, I'm learning. Side note, um, who has headed to psychaboutbeauty.com? All of you. Oh my there's a lot of hands. Good, good. Um, let's go support our favorite mother, Brittany Bobitny, Brittany Falicity Nitty. Go to psychedaboutbeauty.com S-Y-K-E-D A-B-O-U-T B-E-A-U-T-Y dot com. Um, I do have a discount code. You could get yourself some moisturizer, some toner, and even some cleanser. Oh, yes, please cover your face in something a little more healthy. Pretty please. She is the official, unofficial sponsor of my podcast, the love of my life. She had a child. Let's support her. Get on it. Um, we do have a discount code. How fucking cool is that? For 10% off, um, literally now until who fucking knows when, use code capital S A M I 10. Sammy 10. That's pretty easy to remember because it's Sammy and then the 10 for 10% off. Genius, literally a genius. Um, yeah. Get on it before it's sold out because then you'll be sad and you'll cry, and then I'll it'll hurt my feelings. That'll literally hurt my feelings. So get on it. All right. Um, something crazy happened a few weeks ago. I mentioned in the last podcast that I got a DM from somebody, and then I was like, you know, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna buy some tickets to Ireland because life's doing what it's supposed to, apparently. But I got a DM on Instagram, okay. Before I reveal who it is, I'm just gonna give some background, okay? About two years ago, I messaged this person and was like, hey, it's been a while. We should meet up for coffee. And they were like, why? And I'm like, because it's been a while, we should meet up, just catch up. And they're like, I'm good. And they were really spicy with me. And I was like, okay. And then a few months ago, I got their mail, and I was like, yo, um, do you need this? And they were like, I don't fucking know what that is. And I was like, yo, but look at it. They're like, yes, but send a picture right away. And I'm like, obviously, open the mail for them, send pictures. Again, they were kind of spicy with me, but I was like, whatever. And I kind of thought the want to see this person in public again and have a conversation with them was kind of a bit of a joke, right? Like, I think there was a part of me that my intentions weren't the purest, right? But I'm gonna be so real with you. I have had this intention to want to see them again for so long. And I was starting to get mixed up between whether it was my intuition or if it was for the bit, right? And so I was making jokes about being for the bit, but I've literally had dreams about meeting up with this person in a coffee shop and having a heart to heart for years, literally years, right? And so I didn't really know what the drive was, but about a month ago, I obviously got out of relationship. It's been like two months. I don't know. My timelines are all fucked. I got kind of like a weird feeling, and I was like, I'm like, I'm just gonna ask them again if they want to go get coffee. Um, they've been viewing my Snapchat story, my Instagram story, and then I made a podcast about it, and then they stopped suddenly. There's no way it correlates. There's no way. Uh anywho, I like I was saying, I had a feeling about a month ago, and I was like, I'm just gonna reach out again. But I'm like, I'm gonna be very straightforward, right? So, but I couldn't again. I really kind of did think that it was kind of like a joke, like a oh, it's just gonna be crazy to see this person again and it'll be a crazy story. Like I everything's for the pit, right? But in a deeper level, I've kind of been having this like want to apologize, or not even because I feel like I really had to apologize or that I needed closure myself, but I just I I felt the need in my gut, you know? Women's intuition is crazy. I just I full on believe that if anybody tells me like my gut is feeling it, like a woman, I'm like, I fucking believe you. I'll do whatever you say, mother. Because women's intuition is crazy. I've just been shown time and time again through either my mother, my grandmother, myself, friends I know. It's just women's guts say something, right? Um, what was I saying? But I reached out, I sent a message, and I just was like, hey, I know about two years ago you said no, um, no pressure, but I would love to meet up for coffee or something like that, catch up. Um I have some things that I want to apologize and just kind of put in the air, talk about, uh, let me know. No response. A week goes by, um, I'm left on red. I'm like, whatever. I get it, no big deal. Okay. I wake up one morning and I realize that the date is his birthday. And I just again have a little nagging in my head, just send one more message. Just one more message, nothing pushy, just being like, yep, I get it, understand, no problem. So I just respond one more time and I was just like, hey, um, no, what did I say? I didn't say hey. Oh, I said, I said, okay, that sounds like an answer. No problem at all. Happy birthday. I even like muted the message. I was like, I'm not gonna worry about it. A week after that, I'm sitting in my bed, I'm thinking about wanting to go on a trip to Ireland. I'm just kind of looking for a sign. And I look at my Instagram, he had responded, and he said, Okay, let's I can be okay, I can be down for that when and where. I got that message, didn't even open yet. I just turned back to my computer and I'm like, all right, I'm buying my tickets to Ireland, bought my tickets to Ireland. That was my answer. It just means just do it, just do it. So he and I chose a day to go get coffee. So crazy. Haven't seen this man in literally six-ish years. And you all might be wondering who is this? I'm sure everyone has already guessed who this person is. It was my ex-husband. It's been a while. It's someone I literally was married to. That's all I'm saying. So um, we pick a place and I go into this knowing that like full well that he might be so mean to me, right? But again, before we met up, I was thinking to myself, it's just gonna be a funny story, no big deal, whatever. If he's mean, just get up and leave, right? So I walk in and look around, and I don't even like recognize him for a minute. It actually took me a second. I I kind of scan the room, look around, and then I look over and I see someone looking at me and it clicks, and I'm like, oh my god. So I walk over, friendly, give him a hug, buy his coffee, we sit down. Okay. Things are weird. He's standoffish. I can tell he's kind of bugged being there, but I'm like, you said yes. You, you said you'd come to coffee with me. Chill the fuck out. It's it's not that deep. We've been divorced for years, okay? And so we talk a little bit. I took tell a couple stories, um, and he's taking a couple jabs at me, right? Kind of, kind of being mean. My feelings aren't too hurt, but I'm also like, you don't gotta be fucking mean to me. Like, I know we've we got divorced, we broke up, we we aren't together, but also we're married to each other. We don't need to be mean. I I have no intention of being mean. I have no reason to be mean. Um if anything, in this moment, I'm like, wow, it's just so cool to see how much he's grown, how different he looks. Like, I like I recognize him, I know him, but he looks so different. Like I just kept like looking at his face and I'm like, wow, this is the person I literally thought I was gonna spend my the rest of my life with. And I just and it didn't work out, and you know, we moved on, and I think for the better, right? Like, I mean, I look at my life and I'm like, damn, like all the things I've accomplished and all the things I've learned and grown from. Okay. So we talk, he's making little side jabs at me, and I tell him, I'm like, you don't gotta be mean. He's like, I'm not being mean, and I'm like, you are. I made a comment about being stubborn. He goes, Yeah, no kidding. And I'm like, oh my God, that we fucking mean. We're talking about exes and partnerships. He's making side comments about people not growing with him, with growing with the peer partners or whatever. And I start to notice a little bit of a theme, and I'm like, okay, he's holding a lot of resentment against me. And that that makes me sad, not even on the end of like, oh, somebody hates me, but more on the end that I'm like, God, to just like harbor that anger against somebody who literally, you know, I've made the jokes over the years. Like, I'm I'm a divorced woman, and people make jokes about their exes. Let's be honest. We all fucking do. It's it's part of having exes, right? But overall, I will truly always really care and love this person. Not in like a romantic way. That a lot of that love died out a long time ago. I'm not gonna lie. Like, we, you know, you you fall out of love and we fell out of love and um got divorced and things change over the years. But overall, this is still somebody that I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, and I I love and care about this person a lot. Like, still to this day, like I they're in my prayers, I hear any updates about them, and I just I wish them the best, genuinely. I'm not a grudge holder, but to just the thought that he'd been holding that resentment against me for so long, like that just that is such bad juju on you, you know? And it can make you feel really icky. That's why one of the things that I really work on is just not holding grudges and anger against people like that. Um, am I God's gift of the earth? Of course, I'm the best. But just kidding. But I just immediately felt so sad for him in that moment. Like I'm like, to just be so hateful against somebody who literally cares about you so much to this day. I I felt bad for him. And so it started to make me realize like, okay, the reason that maybe one of the reasons that I felt like so drawn to go and see him is like maybe, maybe I can help heal this a little bit, you know. Not to like put it into my hands, like I'm like, I'm not in charge of that at all. You know, he's in charge of how his feelings and his growth in life, right? But I was like, maybe that's why I've had this draw. Maybe I had this like feeling to try and come do this because maybe he would be willing to hear some of the things I did want to apologize for, because I don't need any apologies from him. I mean, there's things that we both did wrong in our marriage and that divorce, but I know that I didn't really need anything. I've forgiven, forgotten, and pushed past all of that, but it started to click. I'm like, maybe that's why he's been so spicy with me. He's like, he hasn't really had maybe the room to feel like he needed to heal or knew that he maybe needed to heal. I don't know. I we didn't get that deep into it, but so I started to get a little deeper. We talked about reasons for the divorce. I apologized for some of the things I did. You know, I I was honest with him. I was like, I was young and I didn't know how to get out of it, and I didn't know um why I wanted to get out or anything like that. And the crazy thing is he enlightened me on something. He made a comment again about partners not being able to grow with their partners, and I don't know what it was in my ear, but it made me realize that he thought that I left him because I wanted to leave the the church. I I grew up LDS and he kind of made it sound like he thought that I left because of that. So I cut him off and I go, Oh, oh, I didn't leave you because I wanted to leave the church. I just knew that I wanted to leave the church later on. And he kind of gives me a look and I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm like, if I if that was the reason I was leaving, I would tell you that. And what's funny is years ago when we were getting divorced, he made that comment and he's like, Well, if you wanted to leave the church, you could have said something, we could have worked it out. And I was like, Oh, my dear, I wasn't leaving you because of that, like at all. And so I got really vulnerable with him, and I told him about how low I was when we got divorced. Um I think I'm gonna get a little deep here. I'm so sorry. Bear with me. We're gonna trauma dump just a little bit, but not even trauma, just like I'm gonna be really real with you. When I got married, I had been on birth control for four months, right? And got off of it because I didn't feel like myself, and I felt kind of a cloud lifted. But at the time, he had he had lost his job and he didn't have a job for eight months, and he was really depressed. So he was gaming often, and I was working and getting home and exhausted, and we're like this new c we're this new married couple, you know. I had never really had a boyfriend for even longer than like eight months, you know, and now I'm married and I'm learning how to navigate another person, their feelings, and the things they're going through on top of all these hormonal things that I didn't really know much about, you know. And when I was married, I got to a point where I really I I thought I was going to end my life. And people have been like, well, he shouldn't have made you feel that way. We were both going through stuff. We both had a lot of things going on. We were both young. We both had not really learned about life at all. And we were both pretty miserable and didn't know how to help each other, didn't know how to help ourselves. And finally, I I was telling him the story. I don't think he ever really knew this part of it, but I was talking about the night that I left and I was gone for hours, and I came home in the middle of the night, and he was like, Hey, where'd you go? And I was like, We'll talk about it later. And the next morning is when I was like, We're we're done. But basically, I that night had gotten really low and I'd been in therapy, and my therapist had told me, like, maybe you need to get divorced, maybe da-da-da. And I hadn't really given myself the room to actually believe that I could or should get divorced. But I went and visited my mom that night and I was honest with her, and I just I told her, I was like, Mom, I I think I'm gonna kill myself. Like I'm really low, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know if it's because I'm married, I don't know if it's because I just don't like myself. And she was honest with me, and she's like, Well, I I didn't want to tell you this, but I think that we've been waiting for you to leave for a long time. Like, we just you know you're not happy, right? So I told him that part of the story about how depressed I was, and then I also told him that as of the past couple years, I've started to realize that something that really messes with my emotions is birth control. And I've come to find that if I'm on birth control or I have any sort of like extra little hormonal things like that, it does make me a little extra depressed and a little suicidal. And that's just and and that's a self-diagnosis. But over the years I've just I've learned that and I've taken notes and taken account to that and realized that that's something that just kind of happens to me. Um, even when I get off of it, I'm just I'm I'm I really have a hard time getting back to reality. And that sounds crazy, I get it, but um, that's just it's something that I've believed is the truth. And now that I've been off of birth control for over two years now, I have not had any issues with like thoughts like that or problems or alluding to that at all. So I got really honest with him and I told him all about that, and I just saw the realization on his face. It it it it's so s I feel silly and I feel stupid saying it, but genuinely it was in a really emotion, it was a really emotional moment for me because I almost I don't want to take credit for this, but I'm gonna take a little credit for it right here with you right now. But I kind of saw him heal a little. And after that, after being really vulnerable with him and honest, I we even talked about like intimacy and the issues I was having with that. And and I told him I was like, I'm so sorry about I I I really had I said this to his face. We were literally in the middle of a coffee shop and I have no TMI, I swear to God, it's so bad. But I told him about how over the years I've realized oh, it would suck so much to feel like your partner didn't want you. And in reality, I just I was learning about intimacy, you know. I was I was new to all this and I didn't know myself. I didn't know him, I didn't know our bodies, I didn't enjoy it because I I didn't know where to go from there, right? And I and so I told him I was like, I've thought about from time to time about how hard that must have been on you. And back then I wouldn't have even thought to look at it that way, which has just come with years of dating. That's why I'm pretty against people getting married early, except for the fact that like I learned a lot from it and getting married that young did, and then getting divorced did kind of set something off my brain where I was like, how could I have a better marriage the next time around? Like, what do I need to learn in these years before I get married again to be better, to understand, to know how to navigate my feelings, my emotions, as well as someone else's feelings, emotions, and things they need in life, right? So I was very honest with him about all that, very vulnerable. And it it just was like a switch. And we laughed and talked like old times, and we were just friends. He showed me his dating account, and we were talking about clothes and life and dates and people and just telling stuff. Stories and reminis reminiscing on like the old days. Such a good experience. A lot to reflect on. It's funny how communication can go such a such a long way, you know? And I I love communication. I love overcommunicating, um, especially if I feel comfortable in a situation to do so. And I mean, maybe, I mean, I've been saying I'm like, oh, I didn't really need the I didn't need the closure, but there is a part of me that made me that I I probably did need the closure. But to feel like I did something good for somebody else, definitely it it just it meant a lot to me, and I'll really cherish um that little coffee date that I got to have with my ex-husband, and I I hope it meant as much to him as it did for me. And it probably didn't. I'm probably reading into it too so much more. I'm I feel like I'm so whimsical in that way, or I try to be so whimsical, and I'm like, wow, no, it's all sunshines and rainbow. But yeah. Also, I found out that he doesn't celebrate our anniversary the way I do. That's messed up. I told him I was like, I celebrate anniversary, our anniversary every year, and he goes, why? Because it's an anniversary. I'm gonna we have good and be bad, we have good, bad feelings. We have good and bad feelings from that. So say la vie. But hopefully that was worth the wait because I just didn't feel like I could talk about it last time. I really wanted the time to be able to just walk through all of it and just ramble a little bit. So hopefully the ramble makes sense, but it was a good experience, good time. Life's good. Um, yeah. Feeling good. Feeling good, buddy boy. Anywho, thank you for listening. I appreciate you letting me just ramble on. This is always such a good experience for me. I always kind of dread talking to a mic, and then I get going and I'm like, damn, life is good. Wow. I'm literally so interesting to talk to. Or listen to talk. Just kidding. Um I'm sure I'm not, and that's okay. Not a big deal at all. This is this is a thing for me. Follow me on Instagram. I have my main account that um I'm trying to promote more and more, of course, because who doesn't want to be a fucking influencer? Um, that is Bubble Master, B-U-B-B-L-E-M-A-S-T-E-R. I have my podcasting page, which is my dating refresh. I don't want to spell that out. Don't fucking make me. Please, please go check out Brittany's website. Um, she is a doll and deserves it. I will just mention that again. Psychedaboutbeauty.com. Use promo code SAMI10. S-A-M-I-1-0. Have a great rest of your fucking weekend. Go raw dog the sun. I heard it's gonna be really hot in Utah, so go lay out butt naked. Why the fuck not? Actually, don't cover your nipples. I have a fear of having like dark nipples compared to my body. I want my nips to be pinky. Pink. Okay, bye.