The Lord is My Portion - Walking through Infertility

Please note: today's episode deals with sensitive issues like reproductive complications and infertility. 

What do you do when you when you find out that you won't be able to have children as a single woman?

Today, I'm sharing a part of my story - how Jesus has faithfully walked me through endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, uterine fibroids, and ultimately a hysterectomy at the age of 30. Though I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death and struggled with how my body has not functioned correctly - Jesus has been faithful through it all. It is my privilege to share both the difficulties, depressions, and wrestlings with the Lord as well as His blessings, gifts and comforts. As the old hymn goes, this is my story, this is my song...Praising my Savior all the day long. 

I pray this testimony meets you in the hard places in your life, encouraging you that your unknown future can be trusted to a known God (Corrie Ten Boom). 

Scriptures

• Luke 23:28-29
• Psalm 139:14
• Isaiah 53 and 54
• Genesis 11
• 1 Samuel 1
• Lamentations 3:20-26

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Questions? Comments? Email me at: carrie@ps8116.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey friends, before we get started today, I wanted to let you know that this episode deals with some sensitive subject matter like reproductive issues and infertility. But my prayer is that in this episode, the Lord will minister his gracious hope, his unfailing love, and his deep, deep comfort when we are walking through incredibly difficult and heartbreaking things. Thanks for listening. I hope wherever this episode finds you, that you are hanging in there and that you are doing all right. This is a little bit of a different episode today because I am going to share some of my story with you today. And in all honesty, I feel a little bit nervous about it, which is funny for me because my story is a story that I have not been shy to share. I have dealt with severe reproductive issues for most of my life. And in the Lord's kindness and in his graciousness, as I have shared my story with friends and family, the Lord has brought many, many women into my life who have walked the same journey or are in the midst of a piece of the journey where I have been. And we've been able to share and walk alongside each other as we as we work through these really devastating and difficult issues when it comes to our reproductive systems. And so today I want to share part of it because as I have talked about loving Jesus and how he loves us and how do we fill the first commandment, fulfill the first commandment, I know that I've alluded to things in my past and alluded to things in my story. And I really felt like it was important to take a pause from sharing things that the Lord is currently revealing to me in his word and things that he's put on my heart to share with you and encourage you and walk you through some of the things that the Lord has brought me out of in the past. So today we are gonna hop in a time machine a little bit, and I want to share with you how the Lord has used the incredible difficulty of reproductive issues and ultimately infertility, insofar as I'm single. I have never been married. I've walked with the Lord almost my entire life. I've been committed to Him my entire life. And um I've had to make some really difficult decisions on this journey as a single woman. So my prayer today is that you will be encouraged as the Lord has encouraged me, that he will minister to you as the Lord has ministered to me, as I've walked through darkness and despair and sadness, as I've walked through times of deep lack of understanding, crying out to him, and how he has shown up every time, every time, in the times I've had to wait for him, in the times I've had to make, like I said, difficult decisions, and in the times where there was so much blessing from him in his leading and in his goodness and his kindness and his compassion. So to kick things off, I'm gonna talk a little bit about the technical side of things, just to give you a scope of kind of what I've walked through, and we'll just go from there. So from the time I was 12 to the time I was 17, I really struggled with chronic pain. I I hit puberty at 12, and everything just kind of went off the rails immediately. Um my parents noticed just how difficult my cycles were. I mean, I was in excruciating pain and would just have days where I couldn't get up and was laying in bed. And so they started taking me to the doctor. And I, and I think to the doctor's defense a little bit, you know, because what I would hear is, oh honey, this is just this is just how it goes. It's difficult for women, it's painful. And, you know, they're probably like writing in their notes, like, teenage girl, super dramatic, you know, because I I mean, I don't know if I mean if you know me, I I can have a little bit of a penchant for drama. But um I I was, I was struggling with chronic pain, taking tons of ibuprofen, just would have have days and days where I couldn't move because it hurt so bad. But I was also trying to stay active. I was really active in several youth groups in Virginia and did my homeschool skate every every Wednesday, which was like the highlight of my life. I had so many great friends there and, you know, loved roller skating to Christian songs. I mean, fun fact the first time I ever held hands with a boy was in a roller skating rink, you know, floating around to Love Song for a Savior by Jars of Clay. It's it's just delightful. I mean, it's just so cute. Like, anyway, so I was still really active and that kind of thing, but chronic pain was was really starting to overtake my life. And it was getting worse and worse and worse to where when we moved here to Colorado, uh, the summer I turned 17, I got violently ill and was in so much pain. And when my parents took me to the ER, the doctors did an ultrasound and saw that I had a cyst that had burst. And through that, I was put into um a gynecological practice that specialized in diagnosing, you know, I guess strange reproductive issues. But apparently they had never met anybody as strange as me. So I had my first laparoscopic surgery when I was 17, and they discovered that I had a really severe case of endometriosis. Now, endometriosis is something that is talked about a lot now, but at the time, this was in the late 90s, it really wasn't talked about a ton, and there was not a lot known about it. And so my treatment plan became birth control, shoving a lot of birth control at me just to try and help regulate my system. Well, it wasn't working. And four years later, I was having another laparoscopic surgery because the pain had not only grown in intensity, but now I was experiencing incredibly heavy bleeding to the point where, again, I was I was having to lay in bed for days at a time, couldn't move, and my quality of life was just dwindling. And it was also really taking a toll on me mentally. Just the just my life was being eaten up by my uterus, essentially. It was, it was so disheartening. And and walking through it, just crying out to the Lord, asking him to help me, asking him to help me understand what I should do, Lord, because my doctors were really concerned, but they but they continued to say things, well, we've never seen things like this before, or let's try this, or well, we've done this and this should have worked, so you're fine. But my symptoms would continue to worsen, then I'd have surgery, and then they'd come back and say, Yeah, you were you were right. We saw this, this, this, and this in in in the surgery. So eventually, in addition to the endometriosis, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, now known as PCOS. And eventually, then I was um diagnosed with lesions in my uterine wall. And eventually after that, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids. And as I lived my life and as I aged, um, like I said, it chronic pain is debilitating and it it wears on you, and the Lord knows that it does. And in a in a world where so many things are so prized, like how you look and you know, how you build a life and how you curate life, right? We live in such a curated society now. It was it was such a struggle to, and I had to wrestle with the Lord in how my life looked. Because most of my life was being spent in my room or on the couch. And that's not to say that I wasn't able to go out and do things at different times. I was. There were there were pockets where I felt really good and was able to travel. I traveled for work, able to go and do fun things, but but this giant issue of endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome just sat over me like a cloud. It it really controlled my entire life because I never knew when my cycle was going to hit and I was going to be completely debilitated and not able, not able to move or be crippled with chronic pain. And it was really difficult. And then on top of it, the question is the questions I had were, well, what what does this mean for my future? I'm having all of these issues. I'm reading that endometriosis contributes to infertility. You know, if I get married, will I even be able to have kids? And just questions I was wrestling with. You know, I I had dated somebody at the time, and then we broke up, and then for a significant amount of time I was single, and and just wrestling with these issues before the Lord. What is what does this mean for my life, Lord Jesus? And what are you saying? And and how do I walk through this well? Because along with, you know, all sorts of endometriosis and just all of the cycle issues, I mean, the hormone swings, the mood swings, all of it. I mean, God bless my family. They they had to put up with a lot from me uh for many, many years uh because of what I because of what I was walking through. And so as I was wrestling through these things with the Lord, I will never forget one way the Lord spoke so clearly to me. And it was actually after my second surgery where I was officially diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. So they had cleaned out a ton of endometriosis again, and they had they call it popping, they popped um seven cysts off my ovaries. I mean, this was just it was a it was a huge surgery. And I remember I was sitting at home by myself, and I had my blanket and I had my Bible, and I was just crying out to the Lord because those surgeries are abdominal surgery surgeries, and even though they're laparoscopic, they're very painful. And I was just in a different kind of pain from surgery rather than the usual reproductive pain. And I remember just feeling so discouraged, so devastated by another surgery and the results of the surgery, even though my doctors kept saying, you know, we think this is it, we think you'll be fine. Um, my body just didn't feel right. I just, I, I, it's it's a difficult thing to live so many years not feeling right in your body. And I know so many people who have walked through chronic pain and and through illness and disease and cancer and all of those kinds of things. And and and we've I've talked about it with people, you just you know your body's not functioning correctly, and it is so uncomfortable. And it's it's a point of grieving because you're asking the Lord, you've you've given me this body and it's not functioning correctly, Lord. How do I operate in this? And what are you saying to me? And again, as a young woman, really questioning what Lord, what do these things mean for my future? And so as I was sitting with the Lord and weeping and crying and asking for His, for His word, for His comfort, for Him to lead me. I don't I don't know how to describe it other than in the language of sense that I heard within the core of my being. What echoed through me was blessed are the barren. And with that came an overwhelming sense of comfort and also heartbreak. I started weeping, A, because I was thankful that the Lord had spoken to me. I felt a lot like Job in that moment where, you know, Job's been crying out to the Lord for 30 chapters and asking him where he is, and then finally the Lord shows up, right? And we say finely, but it's it's finely from our finite perspective, but it was right on time always from the Lord's eternal perspective and his perfect perspective. And so I'm I'm weeping and and I just let that sit in me. I let it sit in me. Blessed are the barren, because I knew what the Lord was telling me is that I wouldn't have my own children. That I would, this body that he had given me was not one that was going to bear children. And so I, you know, you grieve through that with the Lord, and yet also, again, so thankful that he has spoken. At least, at least now I know, and that's what I can operate out of. Well, about six months later, I was reading the Bible, and I was reading the crucifixion of Jesus, and I started reading Luke 23. And as I read, I came to where Jesus, having been beaten to within an inch of his life, right? 39 stripes, and a crown of thorns smashed on his head, and already the horrific, horrific suffering and war and Gethsemane unto blood that he's now carrying his cross through Jerusalem. And as he's carrying his cross, he sees a group of women who are standing there weeping and weeping and weeping. And it's this is such an amazing, amazing moment because in the midst of horrific, horrific, we don't even understand, nor can we comprehend the amount of suffering and pain that Jesus was in. He stops and he looks at the women and he says, Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For indeed the days are coming in which they will say, Blessed are the barren, wombs that never bore, and breasts which never nursed. Now I know that this is tied to the prophecy that Jesus gave about Jerusalem being destroyed in 70 AD. But for me to read that and to literally see the words come out of the mouth of Jesus Christ that says, Blessed are the barren. Again, that sense of gratitude and thankfulness to the Lord. Because I have, I'm I'm a pastor's kid. I've been in church my entire life. I've walked with the Lord most of my life. And I've read the Old Testament. I know that barrenness was often a curse from the Lord in a lot of ways. But I've also seen the way that the Lord takes women who are barren and he uses them for his glory. I can see that now. But at the time when I'm trying to work through these things with the Lord, these feelings of loss and and of grief, grieving the way my body doesn't work versus the way it should work. You know, I would read those stories about Sarah, you know, it took 25 years for her to get a child, but she was barren. Hannah, we don't know how long she was barren, but we know she was desolate, desolate, crying and weeping on the steps of the temple. And so I really had to wrestle through understanding that my barrenness wasn't a curse. And even though these words are from Jesus to a group of women, as he's prophesying about what's going to come on Jerusalem, to read, Blessed are the barren, was a balm to my soul, was a balm to my soul. And so as I continued to walk through this journey, uh things got worse. In between my second and third surgery, they they tried a drug on me called Lupron, which is essentially like a hard, they call it a hard reset for your body, which makes me think of a computer, right? You've installed an update, it's glitching, it's it's acting weird, you take it into Geek Squad, and they say, Well, let's just do a factory reset, right? And then see if we can install these programs. I mean, that's essentially what this drug was supposed to do. So six shots, one shot a month for six months, and you know, ta-da, you're supposed to be as good as new. Well, you remember how I kept telling you that my doctors were saying, Oh, we've just never quite seen this before. And this is usually people don't respond this way. Well, guess what? The lupron didn't work. In fact, instead of putting me in menopause for six months, it put me in menopause for a year. And then when I came out of it, everything was worse. Everything was worse. And I had to have another surgery for polycystic ovarian syndrome for the endometriosis, and that's when they started noticing the lesions outside my uterine wall. And it was at this time I was 25. So I had a surgery at 17, a surgery at 21, and a surgery at 25. And it was at this time that I sincerely started asking my doctors to consider giving me a hysterectomy. Because as things got worse, the chronic pain got worse, and the bleeding got worse. So I'm barreling towards everything just getting so much worse. And struggling again with my quality of life, with chronic pain. And there were pockets, there were pockets where I would I would be fine for a few months. But again, just that lingering dread in the back of my mind as like, when is this just gonna get horrible again? Because eventually it did. It always would. And so, and and a lot of no doctor would give me a hysterectomy. And I and I understand why. I was young, I wasn't married. I, you know, again, I committed my life to the Lord. I wasn't having sex outside of marriage. And so they didn't know. They didn't know if I would be able to have kids or not. But I already knew. I knew I had that word from the Lord. And so it was walking in, knowing what the Lord had said to me, but also walking in wisdom. I would I was a young woman, um, you know, again, 25 years old at the time when I first started asking. And I understand the doctor's hesitance and and reticence to do it, absolutely. But things continued to to disintegrate. And and as they did, I started realizing that I needed to walk in confidence in the Lord and what he had shown me. But what he had shown me in terms of me not being able to bear my own children also had consequence, right? I had to wrestle then with the fact that the future that I had thought that I was going to have, it was highly unlikely that it was a going, it was going to be reality. You you just, I think most of us just grow up naturally thinking you're gonna get married, you're gonna have kids, right? Because family is a gift from God, marriage is a gift from God, motherhood is a gift from God. And I had to wrestle with the fact that the Lord was good, He loved me, and He called me and He made me, but there were certain things that were not going to be a part of my story. And and I'll be honest with you, it was difficult. It was a real wrestle because there is a there is a an honor bestowed on motherhood that is absolutely deserved. Motherhood is a holy calling. I have so many friends who are incredible mothers. The way that they love their children and disciple their children in the gospel of Jesus Christ is a gift, is a gift. And I can see the joy that they have in fulfilling that calling that the Lord has put on their life, and it is beautiful. And I have been blessed by it. I mean, I have been blessed by my own mother, who I think is the best mom in the whole entire world. I've been incredibly blessed by the mother that Jesus gave me in my mom, Jackie. I mean, she's my dearest and most best friend in the world, and she has weathered every single storm with me as and been an incredible mother. But I had to wrestle with the fact that I was hearing a lot in churches and and from other Christian places that motherhood is not only a holy calling, but it's the highest calling for a woman. And I respectfully say I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. Like I said, I think motherhood is a holy calling. It is a holy calling, but it is not the highest calling. The highest calling for all of us is to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and to love him and to and to know the Father, to love the Father, to know the Holy Spirit, and to walk, to walk with them, to love their word, to preach the gospel. And it's out of all of that, then that every other calling comes. And so please hear my heart with that. I am not, I am not saying that it's wrong to be a mother, obviously not. It's it's literally the way that our bodies were designed is to bear children. And yet the Lord put me in a place where I had to wrestle with the fact that the body that he gave me was not going to walk in that in that way. And where the Lord really led me was in Psalm 139. You know, we we quote that scripture a lot, but that scripture, that scripture comes to roost in reality when your body doesn't work the way that it should. Can we still stand and say, I am fearfully wonder and wonderfully made? That I was knit together in my mother's womb. Lord, that you formed my inward parts. And to trust that when my inward parts don't work like they should, that Lord, you are going to use this for your glory. And that's what I've had to come to. Jesus has not called me to be a mother of children from my own from my own womb. And I don't know what he's going to do with my future. But I can confidently stand and say that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that this body that Jesus has given me is the body he gave me to give him the most glory. And I will stand and bless his name for it. And I have had to really fight to practically work that out. Because when I hit 30, everything fell apart. So for the nine months before I turned 30, I had started started losing weight, which I was really excited about because with endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome, weight gain is a huge part of that. And I had always really struggled with my weight and fluctuated all over the place. So I started losing weight, started getting skinny, was really excited about, really excited about that. But then I started noticing, even though I was losing weight, like I was having a difficult time walking upstairs still. I was out of breath and I was so tired. And my hair was starting to change. And all of a sudden, once again, like it did, my cycle just started going berserk. And so I was just asking the Lord for wisdom and also Googling and going on WebMD, which is literally the worst thing ever. So I had actually called my mom crying because I, you know, had done too much Googling, too much Web MDing, and convinced myself that I had ovarian cancer, which I did have many of the symptoms, and I was just convinced. And she was just like, hey, don't ever scare me like that again. You're the worst. But I I agree that something, something is going on. Go back to the doctor. Let's see what's going on. So I went to the doctor and I was sharing with her. I was I saw the PA and was sharing with her what was going on and just how horrible things had gotten again, the chronic pain, the excessive bleeding, and said, I would just really like to talk to a doctor to see if somebody would consider giving me a hysterectomy. I said, I just, I'm done. I'm tired. And she said, absolutely. And that was literally the first time any doctor had actually said to me, yes, we can consider it. This was four days after my 30th birthday. She said, but first let's do some blood work and let's let's do an ultrasound and let's just kind of see where you're at. I said, Oh, okay, that sounds good. And she said, Well, we can get you into an ultrasound uh tomorrow. And I was just like, Oh, okay, here we go again. She's concerned, we've got things going on. So we did the ultrasound, and ultrasound technicians are not supposed to do anything except for do the ultrasound. They're not supposed to give you any hint about what they saw. Like they can't really read. I don't know how much they can read on an ultrasound. I know that they know what they're looking for, but they're not supposed to give you any hint as to what's going on. Well, I'm having my ultrasound, and all of a sudden my ultrasound technician goes, Oh my gosh. I mean, isn't that a great thing to hear? Great thing to hear when you're, you know, waiting to see what's going on. And I was like, What? She said, Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Like, well, yeah, thanks, lady. Um, so she gets the ultrasound results. I go into the room with my doctor. And my doctor was a very funny Italian man named Dr. Bianco. And I'm sitting there, and instead of saying anything to me, he rolls up to me because I've done my blood test and they they rapid processed my my blood tests. And he rolls up to me and he starts pulling down my eyelids. He picks up my lip to look at my gums. He's pressing my hands. I'm like, dude, what are you doing? Back up. I'm starting to feel a little bit like a horse at a show. And he just kept muttering the word remarkable. And then he looked at me and he said, Carrie, how many times have you been to the ER lately? And I said, What? I said, none. I haven't been to the ER at all. And he said, I don't understand. I don't understand how you haven't been to the ER. He said, You are, you're literally a walking miracle. And I'm at this point, I'm freaking out. I'm like, I need you to tell me what's going on. So what was happening was they got my blood test back and they measure. iron and if a nurse is listening to this please forgive my ignorance this is just how I remember it but as far as I remember the top number that you can have like how they measure blood um measure iron in your blood is 12 like it 12 is really really good most women because we have periods sit at nine because of the blood loss people who are considered uh severely anemic usually sit around a seven from what my doctor said to me at the time you're usually admitted to the ICU when you have a six and I was at four so I was literally walking around with no iron in my blood I was incredibly anemic and the reason why he was pulling down my eyelids and looking at is because I there was no blood. I had my everything was yellow and I hadn't realized it I hadn't I it had happened so gradually that I hadn't realized how sickly I looked and so he said we are going to have to do a hysterectomy well I had options because the reason why the ultrasound technician had been so surprised is because I had a three inch fibroid in my uterus. And so he said we're going to have to take it out because it's literally killing you. And he said but we can't operate on you right now because how of how anemic you are you will bleed out on the table. So thus began the process of trying to get me to a place where I could have surgery because he offered to do radiation to shrink the fibroid and then they could go in and remove it um said or we don't shrink the fibroid we just go in and remove it and leave your uterus or we do a full hysterectomy and I said full hysterectomy please well this was the end of July we had scheduled it for October and my body did not cooperate I started hemorrhaging I had two blood transfusions I had um two ER visits and eventually ended up having an emergency hysterectomy to take out my uterus I kept my ovaries and um the reason why it happened is because they called it a rapid growth fibroid so it was three inches when they found it and by the time they took it out it had grown to five and a half in in two weeks and part of the reason why they think that happened is because of the prescription iron that I went on to up my blood count. So I had finally hit that point where I was going to have the hysterectomy and and in between the time where we were talking about me having it and then actually setting the date there was that processing time and I remember the point that I was at in my own grief was again just grieving that my body didn't work correctly I was really thankful that I was going to have the hysterectomy that finally this was going to be out of my body but just grieving grieving the way that my just that my body hadn't hadn't worked for 18 years. And I remember talking about it with my mom and it was so interesting because you know my my family was walking through its own grief um it wasn't just it wasn't just me grieving this you know and you know as I was talking to my mom about this episode she said I know it's not the same she said I didn't actually have to go through it. She said but as your mom and and my dad both of them having to watch me suffer it was incredibly difficult. And I will never forget my mom and I were driving to Manitou Springs because we were going to go play in the Penny Arcade because I was I had a blood transfusion so I was actually feeling amazing. And she just looked at me and she was crying and she just said I just can't believe that there aren't going to be any little carries running around. And I just thought that was the sweetest thing to say you know I mean I had grieved for a lot of years not being a mom and was like I said was just at the point where I was grieving that my body didn't work but to hear my mom say that just meant a lot. And my dad I think just was so he was so heartbroken and did just so tired of seeing me suffer that he was just like whatever we need to do to get this out so that you're okay. That's all I want. And you know and and I didn't make the decision to have a hysterectomy lightly I mean my body literally forced me into it but it was still a decision I had to make and and I just want to encourage you know I was asking for godly counsel you know seeking out my parents seeking out my church family and dear friends and you can get all the godly counsel in the world you know you can seek wisdom everywhere and when it but when it comes down to it the decision that that you have to make is this the decision you have to make. And it's the decision that's made between you and the Lord. And one of my favorite quotes in the whole world is from Corey Tenboom that says never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God and I have had to live that out as a single woman not knowing if the Lord was going to have me get married or not I was I was essentially taking quote unquote the choice away from a future spouse of children. Those were things I had to think about. And yet because of where my body was at I had to have my hysterectomy and so I and so I did it and you know the journey of coming out of that was incredibly difficult as well because though I kept my ovaries my ovaries were so traumatized by the whole thing that they fell asleep. They call it falling asleep and I went into menopause for four years. And that just brought a different it just brought a different journey and dealing with hot flashes and night sweats and other kinds of mood swings and all sorts of things was so was so hard and just crying out to the Lord asking him to help me again with dealing with this new part of my body dealing with a now menopause brain and fog and trying to recover from a major surgery and and eventually when my ovaries woke up they presented just a whole new set of issues and so in 2017 I had two separate surgeries to remove my ovaries and went fully into menopause. And out of everything I will tell you that was the most difficult thing that I had gone through because at that point I really grieved my last surgery because everything was gone everything was gone and I wasn't looking at the Lord saying gosh you've taken everything from me but it was just grieving it was grieving that that everything was gone and yet I understood in that moment that even though I had to have every part of you know my uterus and my ovaries taken that I was still a woman made in the image of God and that the Lord didn't consider me less than he didn't look at me in shame because I had to walk through these things. Instead he was right there with me step by step and he brought to mind those verses out of Luke 23 blessed are the barren and friends I want to tell you I mean it's it's been an incredibly difficult journey this has not been easy and yet Jesus has so faithfully shown up every step of the way every step of the way he has so revealed himself to me in the darkness he's called me blessed. He's called me by name he's given me the body that will give him the most glory that I am most able to preach his gospel and the beauty of his salvation and his goodness and his kindness and his love his dealing by his rod and his staff he that's what he has done. And that's not to sugarcoat things and say now just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and everything will be fine. I know there are many women and many men the struggle of infertility and reproductive issues are crushing. They are crushing and there is so much grief and heartbreak that comes with them. But I am here to tell you I my life I know my life is a is a beacon of the hope that Jesus gives us when things don't work out the way we think they're going to when when our bodies don't work the way that we think that they should and yet to come to trust Jesus that in every stroke and in every struggle in every doctor's visit in every cry to him in the middle of the night in the the multitudes of tears that we shed that he puts in his bottle in the graciousness of his love and his mercy and his kindness that he equips us he equips us not only to share our story and be able to minister to other people but he deepens our intimacy with him and we are knit to him in such a deep deep way through pain and suffering. Let us never forget that we serve a savior we serve a Lord who is a man of sorrows acquainted with grief. He knew he learned obedience by the things that he suffered and so friends he is not absent he is not absent in our pain even when it feels like he is silent he is with us because he has promised to never leave us or forsake us and I just want to encourage you to cry out to him because he hears you to be a to be able to cast literally cast every care on him because he does care for you to share every anxiety every disappointment every frustration every bit of anger and lack of understanding go to him with it go to him with it seek him and seek him he will come to you he will hold you he will minister his life and his comfort to you it's not easy friends it is not easy and yet I would not change a bit of my story as Paul says I count everything as loss I count everything as loss including my ability to have children to build a family in that way I count it as loss for the unsurpassing worth of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord knowing that he will use this for his glory. And so I want to encourage you today I want to leave you with these words from Lamentations 320 through 26 and I pray Lord Jesus that you stick this so deeply in our souls that whatever we are walking through in the difficulty of this life that you would make this a reality for us Lord Jesus so Jeremiah writes Remember my misery and my homelessness the wormwood and bitterness my soul certainly remembers and is bent over within me I recall this to my mind therefore I wait the Lord's acts of mercy indeed do not end for his compassions do not fail. They are new every morning great is your faithfulness the Lord is my portion says my soul therefore I wait for him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him to the person who seeks him it is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord. Friends I pray that no matter where you are today whether it is in the dark night of the soul in the valley of the shadow of death or it is in fields of clover and the mountaintop and joy and beauty abound or that these things are mingling together that you would remember and know the deep and great faithfulness of your Lord and your God that your soul with Jeremiah would confidently proclaim the Lord is my portion because the Lord has been my portion the Lord is my portion says my soul therefore I will wait for him I will wait for the salvation of the Lord. Friends I pray that the Holy Spirit sticks this so deep in your soul and blesses you as you wrestle and you walk through whatever he is requiring of you so that you can confidently proclaim his beauty his gospel his worth in your story because you are also fearfully and wonderfully made and your soul knows it right well because the Lord is your portion amen