The Hidden Reason Intimacy Disappears in Relationships

Does "being honest" with your partner constantly lead to defensiveness? In this episode, we dive into the East direction of the Relational Compass to explore why expressing needs in relationships often gets misconstrued as criticism.

We break down the "Shadow East" pattern of Holding Authority—where the need to be right outweighs the need to be connected. You’ll learn how to shift from aggressive protest to the high-level communication skills of courageous vulnerability.

Whether you feel misunderstood or find yourself "policing" your partner’s behavior, this conversation offers practical relationship advice and self-improvement strategies to move from partner-blame to pattern-mastery.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

-The difference between "Protest" and "Powerful Request."

-Why your "truth" might be a defensive strategy in disguise.

-How to use the "That’s Right" game to end circular arguments.

-The biology of the pause: How to regulate before you communicate.

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https://www.lipcouples.com/compass

💛 Build your visionary relationship at Love in Practice:

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Connect with Us

Work with Emily and Kelly for Couples Coaching

Connect with Emily on IG @emilygoughcoach

Connect with Kelly on IG @iamkellygardner

Transcript

Why "Honesty" causes conflict

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You aren't spending enough time with me. It comes out as um a criticism. It comes out as defensive. I think in those moments that I am sharing vulnerably.

SPEAKER_03 0:09

What might that sound like in a more skillful way of communicating?

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Babe, I feel I'm just feeling really sad and kind of alone and I really miss you. And I would love to spend a little bit more time with you. Is there a way that we could set up a date in the next couple days?

SPEAKER_03 0:30

For a moment, I I forgot when I thought I thought we were actually smiling. Well, no, it's like lighting up. You started in and I was like, oh wait, did I do something? Uh-oh. I gotta tune in. Like my I gotta tune in voice suddenly came on. I was like, oh wait, this is important. I need to listen.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Where that's the thing.

Welcome to Love in Practice: Mastering the East

SPEAKER_03 0:47

Yes. Whereas when you said you don't spend enough time with it, I was like, was she talking? I didn't even, I was, oh, oh, oh yeah, what was it? What you just saw is the gap between a relationship stuck in a loop and one that functions as a visionary team.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Most of us think we're just being honest, but when that truth is a defensive strategy, we call it holding authority.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Today we're mastering the east direction of the relational compass. It's the move from the need to be right to the skill of courageous felt vulnerability.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

I'm Emily Cop, a relationship coach. I spent years exploring how we connect to grow and heal in love.

SPEAKER_03 1:19

And I'm Kelly Gardner, an embodied leadership coach and communications consultant. Love isn't theory, it's practice. This is love and practice. Let's grow this. So tell us a little bit about your experience of what this means in terms of communication, where it works in relationship with your type and where it doesn't. Talk a little bit about mine.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

The whole idea of the East for the Compass Direction is that kind of if I'm not felt, I don't exist. And I I feel, of course I do, I feel that so deeply. Because if I feel that you do not understand my feelings, and I have a lot of them, I've got big feelings, then I will work really hard to try to get you to understand said feelings. Because if you don't understand my feelings, you you can't possibly understand me. And if you don't understand me, why am I even here? What purpose do I even serve in this relationship if you can't even feel me?

The 15% Rule: Owning your part in the pattern

SPEAKER_03 2:24

So for you, it is a feeling. And I think that, you know, we talk about that feeling, but I'm moving a little bit towards the south and the need to communicate, to, to use my words to convey what it is that is my own experience. And I just need them to understand my experience.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

And this is where I can also create an issue in the relationship when there isn't one because I am I'm always scanning very unconsciously, it's it's not by choice. I just am always so aware of what's going on emotionally that if I sense that anything is off with me, with you in the relationship, I will bring it up. And sometimes not very skillfully. So sometimes if I have something I need to share with you, like that I feel really lonely and actually tapping into that feeling, I it will come out as something more like, you aren't spending enough time with me. And that's that's not usually an issue in our relationship anyway, but it is, it comes out as um a criticism, comes out as defensive, it comes out as a little bit aggressive. And that's not my intention. I think in those moments that I am sharing vulnerably. Like I'm I'm letting you know that this thing is happening for me, but it's actually sharing the story as opposed to sharing my actual felt experience, which in my experience you can relate to so much more, and it's so much more effective when I come from that place. I that's something I've done a lot of work around and consumed.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

What would that vulnerability look like? Like what you know, instead of saying, you know, you don't you don't spend enough time with me, what would it, what might that sound like in a more skillful way of communicating?

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Babe, I feel I'm just feeling really sad and kind of alone and I really miss you. And I would love to spend a little bit more time with you. Is there a way that we could set up a date in the next couple days?

Criticism vs. Vulnerability: How to ask for what you need

SPEAKER_03 4:36

For a moment, I I forgot. I thought I thought we were actually smiling. Well, no, like lighting up. You started in, and I was like, oh, wait, did I do something? Uh-oh. I gotta tune in. Like my I gotta tune in voice suddenly came on. I was like, oh wait, this is important. I need to listen.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Where that's the thing, yes.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

Whereas when you said you don't spend enough time in the I was like, was she talking? I didn't even, I was uh, oh, oh yeah, what was it?

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yeah, yeah, real time. This is what happens. And and I have I have noticed such a difference as I deepen into this much um more vulnerable, actually vulnerable way of expressing to you the difference is absolutely night and day. Completely different experience. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:21

Yeah, this idea of vulnerability is a tricky one. And some oftentimes I can think I'm being vulnerable because I'm telling you something that's hard for me to say, but I'm saying it in a way that's very protected because I'm communicating to you ultimately what I don't like about you. I'm trying to put it in a nice little container, right? We don't spend enough time together, is really saying to me, I don't think that you're prioritizing me. I wouldn't spend so much, what are you talking about, right? So what's coming through, what's attempting to be communicated, uh can often come across as a subtle criticism. And this is the real big challenge of the communicator, is I'm communicating everything that's really present for me. And the great thing about the East is unlike the North, the East wants to move towards. The East wants to really go. This is I'm committed to this relationship. I want to be here, I'm going to stay in it, I'm going to continue to communicate as much as as often as I can. This is also the space of relational looping.

unknown 6:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

Especially when you have two East people like ourselves. Uh we can find ourselves, we both really want to communicate and we really want to get to the bottom of it, and we're willing to put in the time. And so we keep having the same conversations over and over.

SPEAKER_01 6:49

That can turn into, you know, like long processing sessions, which I am very proud we have gotten a lot better at, but oh my God, that used to be intense.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

Neither one of us is necessarily willing to budge because they're so intent on communicating my world, the communicator. I need you to see my version, my experience, understand me. If you could only understand me, this would go away.

unknown 7:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

If you could only understand where I'm coming from, there would be no conflict.

Why high-performers struggle with "Holding Authority"

SPEAKER_01 7:19

And anytime you catch yourself in the if only they would change, that's when you know that there's something inward you need to look at to see how you can address it differently. And also trust that you do get to be felt, you do get to be seen, you do get to experience to be experienced and understood, but not necessarily at the same time as your partner. And sometimes that might mean going first and modeling to your partner from a place of genuinely wanting to see and understand your partner, modeling what that might look like and putting my armor down so that I can get curious and ask you questions. Sometimes I catch myself, though, not being quite fully in trust that I will get dealt with. So I'll almost voice that to you, being like, Well, I really don't feel seen right now, but I'm gonna put that down so that I can see you.

SPEAKER_02 8:19

I have legitimately done this to him. It's embarrassing.

SPEAKER_03 8:23

I don't feel seen right now, so I'm gonna put that over to the side because I am better than you. I'm willing to put my stuff to the side, right? That's what I hear. I don't know about you, but that's what I hear. And that's and and then there, there, there comes the the the tit for tat that's ingrained subtly in the communication. Now, again, the East is the the communicator. But what's really interesting, I think, is that the communicator needs to say it, needs to get it out. Not always skillfully, but I just need to say it. It needs to be said. You're in a relationship with somebody like this, you probably are very aware this person does not hold their tongue at all. Whatever coming, whatever, whatever they're feeling, whatever they're experiencing, they are going to say it, which can be great.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

That can be, absolutely, because you and I have said before, you know, we we joke that we don't have rugs in our house because nothing gets swept under it. We do say all the things, but some of the work that you and I in in our East moments have both been deepening into for months now is actually saying a little bit less. Not but this takes discernment because, you know, you still you still do need to say the hard things and the letting, you know, being able to release any resentment that is building and anything around that, anything like that. But knowing when knowing when saying the thing will actually do more harm than good um in a way that won't actually be effective for you, the other person, or the relationship. That is the difference, and that is also very much a skill.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

Yeah. And one of the interesting things about the East, I think, is that the East is still very high on holding authority. Being right, maintaining my dignity, making sure that my dignity is preserved is really important. Whatever is being communicated towards me that is an affront to who I leave myself to be, that's just not gonna stand. We're gonna have to get to the bottom of this, we're going to have to talk it out.

unknown 10:39

Right.

Shadow East: When "The Truth" becomes a weapon

SPEAKER_03 10:40

But what's interesting is unlike the North, the East is very relational. We're gonna we're gonna stick it out, we're gonna stay in it, we're gonna move towards this conflict, and we're gonna be in it. That can be a really amazing uh quality, except when we're both fighting for our need to be understood. And underneath it, we're unwilling to understand the other person.

unknown 11:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:08

So when I hear you say one of us has to go first, I'm hearing one of us has to choose to understand the other person before I'm willing to be understood. That's a hard one.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

It is a hard one. It requires putting your ego aside, but in those moments, sometimes I will feel really tired and I I really want you to go first. And that's when it can come across as a a moral superiority that fine, I will do this, I will give you this gift, give give us this gift in theory, but you know, give you this gift, so-called. But uh, then I also get to hide a little bit longer.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:57

Well, and you know, we we have two different gifts. Traditionally, I've been the one who says, let's let's put it on the table. Something's up, let's talk about it. I'm tired of walking around knowing something's here, something's here, let's talk about it. I tend to initiate the conversation. But once the conversation's over, I go into my north and I'm like, I'm done with it. And you tend to initiate the repair.

unknown 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

And they're two different conversations that initial conversation versus the skill in repair. I was just talking to a client about this today, and I'm I'm really excited about how do we interrupt those patterns in the initiation and in the repair. If you're recognizing yourself in these patterns and want to know your exact conflict default, pause the video and take the relational compass.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

It's a two-minute diagnostic tool that maps your reaction so you can start leading your relationship with intention. The link is in the description.

unknown 12:52

Come on.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Whenever you can pause, just pause. Like whether it's mid-moment or whether you start to recognize the sensations in your body that represent you getting more activated and flooded, take a moment. Like, and it will benefit both of you if you're like, hey, I need five minutes, I'll be back. We do this all the time. All the time we do this. So that is the biggest thing. And sometimes you just keep powering through because there's some part of you that's like, nope, I've got this. You don't have it. You don't have it.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

I think the the key part you mentioned there is if I do need to step away, I need to let people know that I'm gonna come back when I'm coming back. I'm not abandoning, I'm not in what we'll talk about later, the West, uh, the dismissing the conversation, abandoning it. In those moments, it can just also be slowing down.

unknown 13:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:50

You know, one of my great tools is I just slow the conversation way down.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Yeah. Long pauses, long drawn-out speech. Yeah.

The "That’s Right" Strategy: Ending circular arguments

SPEAKER_03 14:01

And I'm very analytical, so I'm thinking a lot and I'm kind of figuring out how I'm gonna move out of this, but I'm really slowing myself down. And when in my best, I'm also getting out of those stories. I'm taking a moment to recenter myself to what's actually physically present in this world, not this the hamster wheel that's going on in my brain. So when I initiate those conversations and I come to you and I'm like, oh, this is this, we gotta talk about this. This is going on, right? I'm starting to notice in my body that I'm getting, you know, that I'm I'm moving out of uh my stasis, my my neutral space. I'm moving into an activated space. Typically, in this activated space, I'm I've got a story that's running. So I need to interrupt that story and say, okay, slow down. I'm here. And two things that I like to do is either connect to something physical or to connect visually to something that's out there in the world. Look at that leaf. Wow, it's got veins. It's green. Is there a spider on that leaf? Bringing myself into, it's almost like a meditative process. Bringing myself into this present now moment allows me to let go of the story so that something new can come in, which is what's actually alive and present. Not all of the stories that I'm fighting for that are not going to get me there because I need to be understood, I need to be heard, and I'm not present and listening.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Yeah. And something else that I use often is I either reach out to ask you for your hand, I use it as a reminder of the connection that I'm fighting for. And that that just physical touch reminds me, I'm like, this is the man I'm fighting for, this is the relationship I'm fighting for. This is like that brings me back to me.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

To present.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Yeah, exactly. And the other thing is um you're almost always open to that. Uh, I don't know if I ever really remember a time where you haven't been, but even if you weren't, or even if I don't reach out for your hand, I reach from my heart and bring it back to the connection within me to regulate. And I just really will again just pause mid-conversation, close my eyes, take some deep breaths, breathing into that. Um I'm able to regulate myself, reroute myself, and then come at the conversation in a very different way. What I will say to this thing is that just changing the tone of your voice doesn't do much if you're not coming with the energy to match it.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

You guys could see some of the conflicts we've had about that.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Yeah. It's lipstick on a pig. Yeah, exactly. Whenever I'm trying to change my way of speaking or the language, but I'm still committed to this story that I'm not being seen, I'm not being heard, I'm fighting for my life for you to hear me, see me, understand me, because you don't get me, and yet I'm unwilling to truly get you and understand you.

unknown 17:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:26

Somebody's got to go first.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Somebody's always gotta go first.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

And so that's uh ideally we interrupt this conflict, these looping conflicts where I need to be heard, you need to be heard, we're both going at it. Ideally, we can interrupt those and we can come back to center, and from that place we'll able to have a much more productive conversation. But that doesn't always happen. Nope.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

We are the first ones to own that.

SPEAKER_03 17:54

Yeah. Sometimes you just walk away angry, but neither person got heard, and you're just like, I gotta go to this meeting. I'm sorry, we'll take this up later. So then we get into repair. And you know, you have typically let us out in repair, so I'm curious to hear what some of the things have worked for you in doing so.

Emotional expression without regulation: The danger zone

SPEAKER_01 18:23

I feel like a broken record by saying this, but one of the first things is curiosity. I'm like, I I know it it's not even just, hey, I'm doing this to repair in my mind. It's that I genuinely want to understand you. So once I have perhaps taken time away, managed to fully regulate regulate myself, if I wasn't able to during the conflict itself, um, and come back, it's asking you questions because something that you actually taught me. I used to lead with the apology. I'm fucking Canadian. Of course I did. And I sometimes still will, depending on the situation. But what you actually brought up to me early in our relationship, you had done a lot of work around restorative justice. And you can talk about that a little bit more if you want to. But the the way that I what I picked up about that from you was that the apology can't come before understanding the impact. And I always try to be really intentional about that. And that's why I get curious. And I'm like, hey, how did this, how did this affect you? What did I miss here? Um, what is it that you were feeling or experiencing in this moment? Sometimes it's like a simple misunderstanding. What did this mean to you? This is what I heard. What did you hear? Asking those questions to better understand your experience. And then sometimes there will be parts where then I share what my experience in that moment was as well. And then I get to, hey, what can I own in this, in this? That is the curiosity, number one, and number two is own your part. That is the biggest thing that I can offer. And again, it has to come from a genuine place. It cannot come from paying lip service to, oh, I it would sound good if I owned this. No, what can you actually fucking own, like legitimately and stand on?

How to build psychological safety in real-time

SPEAKER_03 20:13

Yeah, in restorative justice, we refer to it as uh earning your apology. And an earned apology is it becomes earned through really going the process of understanding what the other person or all affected parties have actually what's the injury that they've endured. I do think slightly different that I think it is important to start the space out uh with uh owning what I can own. Um, to step into the conversation and say, okay, look, if this was 85, 15, I still got my 15 and I'm gonna own it. And just by owning it creates a space. Yeah. I'm not going into like a full apology, hey, listen, this thing was all mine, whatever it is. It's just I'm owning what I can own. I escalated this moment, I raised my voice in this moment, I uh cut you off in this moment, uh whatever it is that I very specifically and narrowly can own. I'm gonna start out the conversation with that. I want to signal to you that I've reflected back on the parts of me that were not my ideal part, and I'm gonna own that part first. The second part I think that's really important is then to get curious, just in the same way that you were saying. And I like to to play the the game of that's right. And that simply is can I reflect back, ask questions that get you to the place where you'll say, Yeah, that's right. In other words, I I feel seen. I fully understand you. I'm just playing the game of can I do everything that can. To help you believe that I understand what's going on for you. Now, that doesn't mean I have to agree with it. It's really important out there. I don't have to agree with it. Men, I want you to hear this again. You don't have to agree with it. You just have to understand it. This man has been a huge breakthrough for me in our process of really just coming to an understanding that that's reasonable for you to have that experience. And that's all I need to know.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Well, and I I actually would take it one step further. I don't think that you do necessarily need to understand it. You just need to validate it. Because you you have gotten to the place where you can actually validate it for validate my experience, even though you don't understand what the fuck I'm feeling, but I'm feeling you're like, okay, woman. But you have gotten to a place where what you can understand is that you can understand how a human being would get to that point.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

But you don't, you don't necessarily and I just wanted to clarify that because I didn't want people to think that they they do have to, you know, fully understand the whole thing in order to we are we are different humans.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Yes. We are going to do things differently. And I don't, it doesn't make sense to me why you do things the way that you do. It makes perfect sense that I do things the way that I do. And why would anyone else do it any differently? There's a bias that we all hold around.

unknown 23:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

We all hold a bias that our way on some level is the right way. We've thought about it a lot of time. Obviously, I've made this choice. It's it's it's clear to me that a human being would do this. But being in a relationship is learning that actually another human being does it completely different. Uh, and if there's polarity in the relationship, chances are there's somebody who in this in this room who's going to do it exactly the opposite way that you would do it, and it makes perfect sense to them, where it may not make sense to me, but I can see when I say I understand, I can understand how you arrived at that place for you.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

This was honestly one of like this was a clear breakthrough moment in our relationship. We were like, I don't know, two, two years in, two and a half years in, and you you finally, you I it was like a light bulb went off. Like you got it. Yeah. And all of our conflicts started shifting after that. And I was like, who is this magical man I married?

SPEAKER_03 24:29

My hardest, the hardest thing for me was that I needed to validate it. And I was like, I can't validate that. That is just that's wrong. Like that, there is no board with that. There's no right to that. That makes no sense. There's no validation. You were, I know you're doing it the wrong way. But I can see how you would do it, make that how that would make sense for you. Yeah, and that alone, I can see how that would make sense for you. Not in a condescending way, but just simply, okay, I can see how that works out for you. And so what I'm doing there again is just trying to get to the place of asking questions. Is this um, you know, when you said that, what was what was okay. Oh, so you were upset, you were angry that I wasn't listening to you. You were instead of defending, well, I it wasn't that I wasn't listening to you, I was just trying to communicate this, this, and I've done that, been there. Doesn't work.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Yeah. Well, actually, I'm curious, is because you know, I I kind of lead in repair more often, you're also extremely skilled in repair. Is there something that that I do other than what we've mentioned that stands out to you?

SPEAKER_03 25:50

I just started the conversation to be quite honest. Okay. I mean, it's enough sometimes. Generally speaking, yeah, because I don't want to go first. I don't want to, I don't um, there's uh my little boy uh doesn't want to admit that that was okay.

unknown 26:05

Yeah.

Moving from "Good" to "Visionary" communication

SPEAKER_03 26:05

And so I generally don't want to. I I'm happy to let the let sleeping dogs lie. I'm gonna go do my thing, you could do your thing. I can even let it go. I don't want to have to revisit this thing because I'm not coming back. I'm not coming back with, yeah, I know that I did this or I know I did that. I'm pissed. I don't want to, I don't want to come back. Oh my ego does not want me to come back to that conversation. So that creates such an opportunity for me to come back into the conversation because I'm I'm stuck in the in the loop of, yep, that makes perfect sense. You did what you were supposed to do.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

And there are moments where you know you you do initiate as well. Like I don't want it to sound like you don't because you absolutely do. You did just last night, um, where you'll initiate the conversation and it's beautiful. So it is it is reciprocal. I don't think that either one of us want to imply that it no matter where you lie on a compass direction, that it, if you are in the east, that you know, repair is on you.

SPEAKER_03 27:09

We're really talking about is our default uh settings. Yeah, exactly. What do we default to when we're dysregulated? When I am in conflict or when literally feels like my life is in danger, what's my go-to strategy? And these will evolve over time, these will shift over time, but really recognizing what your strategy is right now is what allows you to interrupt it and understanding your partner strategy is what allows us to be on the same team.

SPEAKER_01 27:45

Yeah. And I think that how you how you recognize that something is your default is not only obviously being introspective and looking at your past patterns, and you can talk to your your current partner about that as well. But what in in those moments where you are more activated, what is the default urgent pull towards? Like what is what is that in my case, you know, yours might be um pulling away a little bit more. That might be kind of the more present. I need, I need some space, I need to get out of here. Whereas mine is more of a panicked, like, I need to fix this. Like, how how do we fix the connection? And when I give myself space and take some space and and regulate, that panic dissolves. And yeah, I'm still bothered and it it still hurts, and I I still want to repair sooner than later, but it's not as as much of an urgency to it. Like that is my my little child acting up, is that that default, like, oh my God, what's going on? And that can be really valuable information to recognize.

Final Practice: Your homework for this week

SPEAKER_03 29:03

Yeah. I wouldn't say that mine's pulling away. Mine is more uh defending myself, defending injustice. That's my core one. And that's what's been really great about understanding this compass that we've put together is, you know, recognizing that yes, we have a core direction, but what I tend to find shows up when I read the results from people over and over is that we all have one um pull that is stronger than the others. Mine is authority. Whenever I feel that my uh sense of dignity is challenged, I am quick to fight back for that injustice of my dignity being challenged. That is my core orientation. And I'll swing back and forth in how I deal with that, but that's my core. Uh and for you, it's the connection being at stake is the the thing that tends to uh motivate and move you. You got to move towards that. I'm not gonna let that thing go. I'm not going to allow this to be uh to be interrupted. And there's some dignity pieces in you as well, as there is some uh, you know, is there is preserving peace and all of these other pieces, they're all part of us. But what's important to recognize is what's my strongest one. And we often say in relationship that our partners know how to push our buttons. This is our button. This is your individual button. We're not consciously pushing it, but it happens to play out perfectly in every relationship that my partner has some quality that is going to push that button. And we look for polarity. If I have a partner who cares most about connection, then chances are what are we gonna do? We're gonna withdraw. That's gonna push their button, that's gonna draw them, drive them crazy. They can't deal with that. If I've got a partner who cares about dignity, then we're gonna have somebody that really cares about um uh about how this uh the emotional relationship works out, and then that's going to your your feelings, your emotions are going to challenge my dignity, and now I'm constantly at at conflict. And that that's the important piece to recognize that our unique qualities, our buttons, are often the qualities that our partners possess. So again, how do we play team? How do we get on the same team to become a couple that really has the ability to do amazing things together? I think that's the most fundamental, important piece of this is that to me, the couple is that fundamental building block of society. And when couples are strong, everything else gets to be possible. Families, communities, businesses, visions, all of these things can come together when we are supported and loved and nourished in that way. But when that isn't strong, it creates tensions in all of those. These are the core identities that we're trying to work through with our partner to figure out now I know what you need. You need to know that I'm not going anywhere. And as long as I can let you know that, and that never gets put on the table, then there's a strength in our relationship. It's not just yours to hold, it's ours to hold together because we're playing a team. We know what the other person needs.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

Yeah. And sometimes we all need reminders of what our teammate needs. And that's part of repair. Sometimes the conflict has to come, you know, in order to get to the repair piece, to be reminded of that or to learn a new aspect of what your partner needs. Because again, that's the curiosity piece. If if you ever get to the point where you feel like you know every single thing about your partner and there's nothing left to learn, there's nothing really left to the relationship. And don't be so presumptuous to assume that you know someone better than they know themselves. Yeah. Because there's always more to learn.

SPEAKER_03 33:25

And we need to learn ourselves. Yes. We really truly need to understand that this is what's going on for me. I cannot get what I need unless I know what it is and I'm willing to ask.

unknown 33:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:36

And so the to the degree to which I can really uncover what I really truly need, and then present it in a way that feels like we're on the same team to work together to get this, as opposed to uncovering it and now going, oh, well, I've got ammunition. I know that you just, you're just, you've just got abandonment wounds, and you are worried that I'm going to leave and I'm not going anywhere, and you keep putting that on me.

unknown 34:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:05

That's not playing team. That's working against your teammate, as opposed to saying, baby, I'm I'm not going anywhere. I want you to know that no matter what, I'm here, I'm going to stay in this. It just melted.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

Legitimately.

SPEAKER_03 34:23

All right, everybody. So I think that's a wrap.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

We got things to do.

Next Step: Moving to the West (Subscribe!)

SPEAKER_03 34:33

Oh, thank you for another wonderful episode. Thank you. Thank you, River. And I look forward to talking a little bit more about all of these amazing pieces that make us who we are. Next up, we've got a little bit about the West, and then we're getting into some more of the skills that we build to create the epic partnerships that we all want. Love and practice. If today's conversation helped you see a pattern in your relationship that you didn't notice before, do us a favor, hit that like button. Tells the algorithm that this kind of information is really what matters.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

And if you want to keep moving from partner blame to pattern mastery, make sure you subscribe. We're releasing new episodes every week to help you and your partner function as a true visionary team.

SPEAKER_03 35:12

But don't let the work stop there. The best way to apply what you learned today is to go ahead, take the relational compass. You'll see the link in the description below.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

It takes two minutes and it gives you the map you need to navigate these conflict loops with intention. Take the assessment, share your results with your partner, and we'll see you in the next practice.