Why He Just Shuts Down Instead of Talking

We recently discussed the complexities of relationships while watching Love is Blind Season 10, specifically focusing on a contestant's behavior. This particular individual, Devonte, showcased a pattern of distrust in his own decision-making, which led to emotional fatigue and analysis paralysis.

In this episode, we deep-dive into the "West" direction of the Relational Compass. When a partner feels they can't make the "right" choice, they often choose to make no choice at all, leading to a state of internal collapse and relational withdrawal. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for personal growth and developing emotional intelligence in any relationship.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re "buffering" during a conflict or if your partner describes you as an "impenetrable wall," you are likely stuck in a West-pattern "system glitch". We break down how to move from emotional shutdown to high-level skills of self-regulation and calm presence.

Let's dive in!

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Transcript

Love Is Blind Analysis: Devonte and the "I Don't Trust Myself" Trap.

SPEAKER_05 0:00

We were watching uh Love is Blind the other day. Um and we saw a man uh in that show that really reminded us of this uh Devante.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Devante season ten.

SPEAKER_05 0:10

Yeah. This pattern of I I don't feel this is right, but I don't trust myself to make the right decision, and I don't want to hurt someone. And I think that that's uh a really great illustration of what this behavior often looks like. I need to remove myself. And the big challenge for that is in many ways, it's it's not being relational. All of the decisions are being made. I'm putting everything on my shoulders and removing anything from my partner.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

Being in relationship with someone in the West, when he was leaving the apartment, and it was kind of clear as a viewer, not in it, it would be very different being in it, but as a viewer, that he was done. Like he was done. And she was so loyal to him and so locked in that, like, no, we're still getting married. And she kept going on and on and on to the camera. And my heart was breaking for her because I was like, oh my God, that was me.

SPEAKER_05 1:16

If you've ever felt like you're talking to a brick wall, or if you're the one who goes silent to protect yourself, you are stuck in what we call the West conflict loop.

SPEAKER_03 1:24

Most people call this stonewalling, but we see it as a survival instinct called pulling back. It's a sign that your nervous system has completely taken over.

SPEAKER_05 1:31

Today we're showing you how to master the West direction, removing from emotional shutdown the high-level skill of self-regulation and calm break.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

I'm only got a relationship coach. I spent years exploring how we connect and grow and feel in love.

SPEAKER_05 1:44

And I'm Kelly Gardner, an embodied leadership coach and communications consultant. Love isn't theory, it's practice. This is love and practice. Let's grow this. You know, it seems that in every relationship, there's one person that is tends to really move towards when there's conflict. Gotta solve this, gotta find a solution. And then there's another person that tends to pull back, whoa, this is a little bit too much, or I just don't want to be involved in this. And this is where we kind of get into this anxious avoid and dance, but I think it's a lot more complicated than that. And it can be very nuanced in terms of what's going on inside of these individuals. So if you're out there listening and you're curious which one you are or you know, drop it in the comments. I'm curious to know, for those of you who are listening, do you tend to move towards or pull back? And we'll give you some insight into what might be going on. Listen in. I think we got some stuff. So let's start out. When you listen, when you hear that, what do you really identify with in terms of moving towards or pulling back?

SPEAKER_03 2:52

I personally I identify more with moving towards. But I also do understand, at least to a degree, uh, the that that feeling of wanting to just pull away, create distance, create space. Fine, you're gonna be like that. And I'm gonna go over here and lick my wounds uh in silence by myself angrily, and find ways to regulate myself. So I do understand it to a degree, but my instinct is much more the moving towards.

he West Archetype: Why "Not Wanting to Hurt Someone" is Anti-Relational.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

See, I would disagree with you on that one. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So it's interesting. You um at moments of rupture, you tend to want to move towards. You need to find and solve it. But in the midst of conflict, you tend to retreat. You've had a a pattern of actually retreating. And so this is where it gets kind of nuanced. So, what I would say is your pattern of retreating is you tend to go quiet. You get very soft, yeah, and you tend to um kind of pull back from wanting to move forward.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

That's a good point because I I used to, I think we we touched on this another episode that I used to get really mad at you when you would point out that I was withdrawing. I'm like, I'm right here, like I have not left the room. And you said, but you have, because I was emotionally, and and this is still an instinct during the actual conflict itself to shut down, withdraw emotionally as a form of self-protection and uh also as a form of preserving the peace. There we go. Because if I if I just stay silent, I won't create more of an issue and make this even worse than it already is. Now, to be clear, I never stonewall. That is not my personal go-to at all. I remember very early in our relationship, I told you, you will never have to worry about stonewalling with me because if I'm silent, it's just because I'm thinking, give me a little bit longer.

SPEAKER_05 4:50

So I would say that you're very analytical in how you go about it. But for those people listening, let's talk a little bit more about what stonewalling is.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

And stonewalling is really just the complete shutdown. It's like you're speaking to a brick wall. You can try all different uh angles of trying to speak to someone. You can get angry with them, you can be sad with them, you can show them your pain, and they just will not engage with you for a variety of their own internal reasons. But it's not only is that incredibly difficult to manage in a relationship because you two people have to speak to each other in order to have a relationship. That's the entire basis of it, but it's really painful. That's deeply, deeply painful to engage with. Now, I also have a lot of compassion for the person who is stonewalling because they are clearly in a lot of pain as well. And that is their mechanism to manage it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:47

So they're managing their emotional dis dysregulation by shutting down. Recognizing your default strategy is what allows you to finally stay on the same team. If you haven't yet, please take the relational compass. It's in the link in the description.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

Stop guessing why your partner reacts the way they do and get the map. Takes two minutes and changes every conversation you'll have moving forward.

The Buffering Brain: Understanding Analysis Paralysis in Conflict

SPEAKER_05 6:06

We can see kind of two things underneath this. One, I'm shutting down uh because I need to manage my own emotions. But also there's two different strategies or reasons why that happens. One is, as you mentioned, this preserving peace. If this goes any further, this could get bad. And I don't want it to get bad, so I'm just gonna go quiet. Because in my family system, in my history, I have learned that this is going to get out of control, this is gonna spiral, and bad things will happen. So I'm going to go quiet, I'm gonna shut down, I'm gonna hold my tongue to keep from things getting bad. My main objective here is to preserve the peace. And this is the core identity, I think, of the the individual in the West versus the individual in the North. That they are they're they are highly uh relational. They're thinking about the relationship in their pulling back. So not all stonewalling will look the same. The North can also stonewall, but they're stonewalling for a very different reason. They're not there to preserve the the relationship or to make sure that nothing worse happens. They're there to preserve their own dignity. They're there to make sure that, you know what, I'm not gonna speak anymore because this isn't gonna go well. You're not gonna hear me, you're not gonna invalidate me, and so therefore, I'm just gonna shut down. I'm gonna stay in my righteous cloud over here. You can come back to me when you've accepted my way of thinking, my way of being. But that's not the that's not the way for the West individual who's trying to preserve peace.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

And in those moments of sort of the stonewalling, whether it is from the uh standpoint of uh more in the north of um preserving dignity or more in the west of preserving peace, it's it that self-protection is also really going to damage psychological safety and emotional safety in the relationship. Because if I can't even have a conversation with you, or vice vice versa, there's what is there to work with? You you can't really work with anything, and then you're also potentially, you know, uh living under the same roof with this person who won't have a conversation with you. Not only that, they're that silence, speaking from experience, um just in the at least in the withdrawal, because I do think that it's it's a spectrum, just like a lot of things we talk about, that's a really ripe ground for stories to grow. Because in the analyzing of it, whether you're analyzing about all the ways in which your dignity was disregarded, whether you are analyzing all the ways in which you can preserve peace and prevent this from becoming worse, stories are taking root in the silence. And then it makes it a lot more difficult to manage once you actually start having a conversation and opening up again. Because by then you are operating from those stories and those judgments rather than the truth of what's actually in front of you.

SPEAKER_05 9:19

Let's put this into practical uh application. You've mentioned before that you've been in a relationship with someone in the West. Not myself, unfortunately. Uh-huh. Or fortunately, whichever way you look at it.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

I will say very fortunately.

SPEAKER_05 9:33

Well, you know, there definitely could be opportunities for me to preserve peace a little bit more. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

But be more relational.

SPEAKER_05 9:42

Uh but tell me a little bit about what your experience has been being in relationship with someone who uh we would say is in that quadrant.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Yeah, and and you know, the the specific that specific relationship, he was quite an extreme West in his uh avoidance, very, very high in preserving peace, um, but to the point where nothing would get talked about. Um, everything would get brushed under the rug. Uh the first three years of our relationship, we didn't have a single conflict, which is why I was in such shock in our relationship.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Like, what is happening?

SPEAKER_03 10:18

And that's what actually is required for emotional depth and safety in a relationship. But being with someone who would go into such avoidant state that he would just go off grid. He would basically, like, literally leave the house and just he would claim he had lost his phone or that his battery died, or whatever the number of times I heard that story. And and it wasn't. He was self-regulating. He was also, you know, potentially doing other things. But then he would come back, and it was almost a little bit like nothing had really happened. Like he would sort of treat it as though, okay, I took my space, we're back to normal, we're good now. Why are you still upset? And that that also uh I felt like I was going crazy. And actually, I notice it triggered sometimes with you when for different reasons, you will just come back sometimes and you've already worked out whatever you need to work out, not about like big stuff, but about like smaller, you know, disagreements. And you'll kind of come back in and you're normal and I don't feel normal. And then I feel like I've lost my mind because I don't feel normal, but you're behaving like everything's okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

And I think part of that comes from that relationship experience that I had before.

SPEAKER_05 11:45

So let's let's let's dig underneath it a little bit. Um, from a compassionate standpoint, what do you think was going on for this individual that led to this space of I need to disappear, unplug? Um what was what was the from a compassionate standpoint, what was he really trying to achieve and how was that keeping him safe in his world?

Stonewalling vs. Shutdown: The Psychology of the Impenetrable Wall

SPEAKER_03 12:13

He was overwhelmed and he wanted me to be happy. He just wanted me to be happy, you know, and uh was he going about it in the right ways from a wide variety of angles? No. But I I know I'm not innocent in that in my own unique ways. I think I regularly overwhelmed him. I would kind of steamroller him because he was not always a match for me emotionally or intellectually. And I could very much just run right over him.

SPEAKER_05 12:45

And you let him know it too, DJ.

SPEAKER_03 12:47

Oh, I sure did.

SPEAKER_04 12:48

I sure did. And I am not proud of that.

SPEAKER_05 12:51

Being in relationship with you, I can imagine what that might look like.

SPEAKER_03 12:58

Oh, it's yeah, I I would really um put a lot of pressure. And I think I have always had uh high expectations relationally, and not being met in that, I imagine it would feel like walking around like your disappointment.

SPEAKER_05 13:15

Yeah, yeah, that's a really powerful thing. And I, you know, a lot of the men that I work with, um, that's a core story. Um, I I'm overwhelmed and I just wanted to be happy.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 13:26

You know, I'm I think you really hit something on the nail on the head there.

SPEAKER_03 13:30

Disappoint her.

SPEAKER_05 13:30

I don't want to disappoint you.

SPEAKER_03 13:31

That's like the biggest thing for men. And I did not understand any of that then. Like I understand it so much better now, but I I think I really made it hard for him in a lot of ways. And I think I scared the shit out of him sometimes.

SPEAKER_05 13:45

And I don't, I don't know this, I don't know his particular story, but I know a lot of the men that I work with, what's underneath that as well is they they grew up in a household where they saw men disappointing women. Yes, and decided very early on, I'm not gonna be that guy. I'm not going to be the guy that yells, I'm not gonna be the guy that's aggressive, I'm not going to be the guy that let my mother down the way my father let my mother down on some level. And so they take the opposite approach. They they they play the opposite game. And so they they they they want to go along, get along, make everybody happy. There's so the the deepest desire is to bring everyone else happiness and they are willing to sacrifice themselves in order to do that.

SPEAKER_03 14:32

You know, in a lot of ways, uh, I think that he took that to such an extreme that that's why he had an affair for nine years. Because he couldn't stand to let down the other woman who he was with before me. And then he got involved with me, telling me that they'd already broken up. And well, then you know, that relationship was our relationship was on a certain trajectory. We we bought a house together, we were planning to get married. Like Benny couldn't let me down either. So then he was juggling two of us that he couldn't stand to disappoint. And he, I think, constantly felt like he was failing even worse, and he paid the price. Yeah. I I saw him pay the price. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:13

I mean, it's an extreme form of people pleasing.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

Absolutely. My God, like a crushing level of people pleasing.

SPEAKER_05 15:19

Literally, I'm willing to not have to say the hard thing or to not have to upset the apple cart. I'm willing to take this on the nose, take this on my shoulders, on my back, and carry this, which I imagine must have been a very difficult I mean, the pain of trying to carry on these two relationships simultaneously while always knowing that on some level that you're a fraud. Yeah. Always having to concoct stories within myself and lie to myself in order to feel okay with what it is that I'm doing just because I don't want to hurt somebody.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

God man. And and I saw that take a toll on him for years physically. I didn't quite understand the reasons why until the end, but I saw it take a toll on him physically. Mentally, he became an absolute mess increasingly over the years, to the point where he would get panic attacks. He was he was falling apart in literally every way, physically, emotionally, mentally. He was an absolute wreck by the time I found out, and everything blew up.

SPEAKER_05 16:31

But at the core, what I also am acknowledging is this person has a big heart.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

Oh, yeah. He had the biggest heart. He would give you the, you know, like as the as the saying goes, like the shirt off his back. Like he absolutely would. He had a huge heart. That was why I got into relationship with him.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Like he clearly had to have some redeeming qualities for me to get involved with him.

SPEAKER_05 16:50

Well, I hope so. We were watching uh Love is Blind the other day. Um, and we saw a man uh in that show that really reminded us of this uh Devante season 10. Yeah. Um it's similar, you know, there was this pattern of I I don't feel this is right, but I don't trust myself to make the right decision, and I don't want to hurt someone. And you know, of course, you know, he was someone who also would, you know, I need for me, I need to take some space away and go into my cave and figure this out.

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:35

And I think that that's uh a really great illustration of what this behavior often looks like. I need to remove myself. And in that removing, the other person's left going, Well, what's going? Are we st are we still what's going on? Or are we are we are we th are we a thing? Are we, you know? And the big challenge for that is in many ways, it's it's not being relational. All of the decisions are being made. I'm putting everything on my shoulders and removing anything from my partner.

The Decision-Making Glitch: Why Making No Choice is Still a Choice

SPEAKER_03 18:09

Yeah, yeah. And you know what was interesting about that was that there was the the last episode, not the reunion, but the where they decided to not get married, him and Britney, his his, I think it was Britney, his partner. Um, in terms of being in relationship with someone in the West, when he was leaving the apartment, and it was kind of clear as a viewer, not in it, it'd be very different being in it, but as a viewer, that he was done. Like he was done. And she was so loyal to him and so locked in that, like, no, we're still getting married. And she kept going on and on and on to the camera. And my heart was breaking for her because I was like, oh my God, that was me. Like that was me. Like someone who just was pulling back so much. And someone being someone who is with somebody who is pulling back that much, what's likely to happen is that then you are going to, from a polarity standpoint, likely end up in the position of someone who is wildly leaning in towards them. The more you lean in, the farther they lean out. And I could just see myself in her, and it was it was actually painful to watch because I was like, oh, girlfriend, like read the signs. Like the actions need to match the words. And I say that with compassion for him as well, but I wanted to offer that perspective of someone being with somebody who is strongly in the West. Um, you have to know when to lean out as well. Not from playing games, just for your own self-worth.

SPEAKER_05 19:52

Well, let's talk about the strategies. Like how what is a successful strategy for working, being in relationship with partnering with someone who has this pattern. They're pulling back primarily to preserve peace. They don't want to hurt anybody. Uh, and they can feel like a wall uh that there's no getting through to them. They're gonna make their decisions on their own. Um, they're gonna tell you everything is okay. This is like the worst person to argue with is someone that says yes instead of no. It says yes when they mean no. Are you gonna do this thing? Yes, I am. Just say no for crying out loud and we can have a conversation. But the greatest form of avoidance is saying yes when I mean no, because we can't argue with it. We can't, there's nothing you say, oh yeah, I'm gonna do that thing.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 20:44

Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

You and I ran into that a little bit early on, too, even though I wouldn't I wouldn't call myself West, but just in terms of the preserving peace element, we ran into that where you I think got got pissed off with me a few times where you were seeing a pattern where I would say yes when it was actually a no from a like me trying to overgive sort of standpoint. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:04

Well, I have West in my family system. Yes. Um, and so I have, you know, I I have a person that I love dearly uh who is completely incapable of saying no. Yeah. Uh and I just wish sometimes I could argue with this human being. Would you just say, just call me a dickhead or an asshole so we can argue about it? But you just say everything's great and I love you.

SPEAKER_04 21:28

And I'm going happy go lucky. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

No.

SPEAKER_05 21:36

So let's talk about some effective strategies of dealing with the West.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

For one thing, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. If you were going to be with someone in the West, you need to be able to not lean out, but more just stand upright as opposed to leaning inward. And to give them that space. So that then there is space for them to come back to you. Now, I'm not saying they get to go disappear for six days and that's cool. But you need to be able to function and to create that regulation within yourself as well as asking for what you need. You I again, none of this is to say just pretend everything is fine. No, but I'm saying that you need to be able to function as a whole human. I would argue that for anyone in relationship, but I think it is particularly important for someone in this position.

SPEAKER_05 22:35

And what I'm hearing is clarity and boundaries. Sure. I need to have absolute clarity with this individual, what my expectations are. Yep. There are no uh unconscious, subconscious contracts with this individual. I can't expect them to do what I think a normal human being would do. I can't uh hold them to why were you not doing this normal thing? I have to say, hey, this is what I'm looking for. This is what my expectation is. And if this isn't met, this is what I'm going to have to do.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

Sure. And that that over time, if you can um co-create, not solely create, but co-create that emotional safety for them.

unknown 23:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:23

They are not as likely to feel like they need to leave or stonewall or whatever, because you're creating the environment where they realize they can come to you. And it doesn't feel like quite as much pressure. Again, they still need to be there for you too. This is very much a co-creation, but these are some of the strategies that I would use.

Emotional Fatigue: Why High-Performers Withdraw Under Stress

SPEAKER_05 23:45

Let's talk about what it means to create that space. What is it? What how do I actually cultivate that safety that they know that they can come back to me? Or conversely, what will absolutely not work for this human being uh that will continue to lead to them stonewalling?

SPEAKER_03 24:03

Allison Armstrong always gives a really good example that I remind myself of. And it's that and I'll I'll just I'll just use the context of the man being in the West and the woman not. Um if a man tells you something, shares something with you, and you get pissed off about it, that's teaching him that it's not safe to be honest with you, because there wasn't a problem three minutes ago before he told you. So why would he tell you? Right? I think again, this could be argued for anyone, but that's that's a really to me, a really great example of creating the space where when they have had time to themselves, the person in the West, and then they come back in and share whatever they share, or you really encourage them to share their truth, you need to be able to hold, have the capacity to hold that. Doesn't mean you don't get to express your needs as well in in response to it or share your feelings around it, but you can do so from a more mature standpoint that will still give them the space to understand, oh, in their nervous system, like, okay, it's safe to share this and there can still be peace on the other side of that.

SPEAKER_05 25:28

A practical thing that I think shows up is also not holding them accountable for the amount of time it took for them to get there. One of the worst things that you could do with someone in the West is like, well, fine, but why didn't you tell me this before? You know, why why did you have to wait so long to get to this? As though they knew it all along and they were capable and able to share it. And so once they do get to it, then they get attacked for for for finally getting to the point. Now they're the bad guy because it took them. We I we watched that in in Love is Blunt, right? Yeah. Uh where you know he once he finally did get to the truth, he was slaughtered. Why didn't you tell me this at the beginning? Well, that's his processing, that's the way that his processing works. And I think it's important to recognize that that individuals in this way, they they can take a little bit longer to process and to get to that place. So, one, it's being open, creating a space that's open for them to actually share what's real and true, knowing that they're not going to get torn apart because their truth doesn't align with yours. And them knowing that their truth doesn't align with yours is the part that makes it so difficult for them to have to look for every single out. Is this, do I absolutely have to say this? This is gonna be really, really difficult for me to say because I'm upsetting the apple cart, I'm destroying the peace, and all I want to do is preserve the peace. Do I absolutely have to say this? Can I look at every other possibility before I actually have to say this? And then once I get to that point and I absolutely have to say it, recognize that they've gone through a process to get there. And they're not like me. You know, they don't immediately go, Yeah, this is the thing I need to say, and I'm gonna say it.

unknown 27:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:14

You know? Uh, and while I wish that you would sometimes do that, when I wish that sometimes you would just in the moment say, I don't like that. And this was a conflict that we went through early in our relationship a lot. You know, I wanted you just to say, Yeah, I don't I didn't like the way that you said that. Great, we can move on. Instead of you sitting on it and then ruminating around it, and then, you know, a day or two later coming back with, I really didn't like the way that you said that thing. Well, it would have been great if you said it then, as opposed to sitting on and being angry at me for the last two days and not knowing why or what was necessarily going on.

SPEAKER_03 27:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:50

But what I had to learn is it wasn't helpful for me to attack you in that way either.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

It's funny because as you shared that, I was like, oh yeah, you used to do that to me a lot, and it was not good for me.

SPEAKER_02 28:01

It did not feel good for me. Yeah. Yeah.

Preserving Peace vs. Dignity: Navigating Different Silence Strategies

SPEAKER_05 28:05

So acknowledging one that the person processes differently than you, creating the safety for them to come back to the conversation, um, and that is accepting what they they they share. As well as being curious about what's what's really underneath it for them. We make I make assumptions about why this person didn't share this, or they didn't have the the cojones to share it, or they didn't, you know, they were afraid to share it or whatever. Um while not also acknowledging that the fear of sharing it is the fear of upsetting me, the fear of hurting me, the feel of challenging the relationship in a way that would create separation between us and ultimately really what they want is to make sure that we stay connected.

SPEAKER_03 29:03

Yeah. And that's a really important distinction, by the way, because it is really easy to jump to the idea that, oh, well, you didn't share that thing with me because you think I'm an asshole. And we went through that before too. And I think that recognizing that no, the other person just has another, a different process. One, and two, that it's because of how much they care. Yeah, that they haven't shared it. It's not lack of care or thinking that you're dick. It's because they care so much that they want to preserve the connection and to not hurt you or the relationship.

SPEAKER_05 29:44

One last thing that I'd add to that is also not presuming what it was about.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:50

That's a huge one, which is allowing whatever you're going to bring when you do come back to be new information. My mind wants to go to I'll figure out exactly why she's going to do this and all the reasons why. And then, yep, that's exactly what it was. Or I don't actually think you're telling me the truth. I think that you, it's really this, this, this, and this. So to come with a beginner's mind and say, okay, this is this is the information that you've been working with. Um, and be curious about that rather than presuming that I know. Because once I presume I know, I also start to build up defenses. Getting ready for the shoe to drop. Getting ready for this that hypervigilance that's bad information. And for me, being, you know, someone who is preserving my dignity, I'm constantly looking at, oh, how is this going to be an attack to or an assault to who I am? How is this withdrawal now a reflection of how this person thinks that I'm somebody I don't think I am? How am I going to have to defend myself against this assault that this person has now been creating through story while in all of this time that they've been gone? One of the best things that I can do that has been successful is to just drop it. To just let it go and know that you'll come back when you're when you're available to talk about that thing. Uh, and that is a much more of a winning strategy.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

And that trust is built over time too. You know, that doesn't necessarily happen immediately, but you started to learn over time that I never don't say the thing. Sometimes I just take a little longer to say the thing. And and that had to be earned on both of our parts. Like I had to do the work to actually say the hard thing. And you had to do the work of giving me the time and space to trust me enough to learn that about me.

SPEAKER_05 31:49

Now, on the flip side, there are some things that the person in the West can also do.

SPEAKER_03 31:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 31:53

That would make it more successful to support their strategy. Uh, you want to talk about any of those?

SPEAKER_03 32:00

Well, part of it would be uh letting the other person g giving a general timeline as to what you need. We've talked about this as a strategy for different uh compass directions, but I come back to it because it's really important for that safety element of not just disappearing, not just shutting down emotionally. Um, there was even an argument that you and I had a few weeks ago where I was silent, like we were in the same room and I was silent for an extraordinarily long time. And I do this sometimes if I've been silent for a really long time. I was just thinking really hard because I wanted to come with openness and vulnerability when I opened my mouth. I finally just said to you, I just need a few minutes. I'm I'm still thinking, to just reassure you that I had not completely shut down at all. I was just in a little bit of a cocoon and just give me a little longer. I'm working on it. But I think that that can be a really helpful strategy to offer to your partner and to find more ways to regulate and to be open to co-regulation with your partner as well. Um, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe you breathe together, maybe you go for a walk together, but you're like, hey, I don't want to talk about this thing right now, but can can we just take a walk around the block? Get some air, just be in each other's space.

SPEAKER_05 33:26

So one most important piece is giving a clear indication of when I'll be back. Yes. Uh I can step out, I can say, I need two minutes, I need three minutes, I need to take a walk around the block, but I need to give my partner a clear indication of when I'm be back, as opposed to, you know what, I'm done with this. I'm out of here.

Internalizing the Burden: How the West Collapses Under Responsibility

SPEAKER_02 33:43

Whew. That's like the worst thing you could say.

SPEAKER_05 33:45

You know.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

And we've all done it.

SPEAKER_05 33:48

You know, it's a power move and it it creates distance and dysregulation in both partners. So I need to take a break, that's perfectly okay, but I need to give a timeline. Um, the second piece is when I do give that timeline, I need to find some uh space or an opportunity to regulate myself. And we're talking about regulating the nervous system, co-regulating the nervous system uh by grounding myself through breath, through uh connecting with this present space uh or co-regulating, borrowing my nervous system or the nervous system of uh someone else or even something else. I had a a uh client recently who was going through a really tough time, and I just said, pet your dog.

SPEAKER_03 34:35

Yeah, it's my favorites are my clients' pets.

SPEAKER_05 34:38

You know, giving him that opportunity to re-reconnect to the present moment by being present for someone else was very useful for him. So there can be many different ways regulating, co-regulating, borrowing the nervous system from someone else. Uh and then once we do that, then we want to find a way to come back into the conversation. How do that how does that West person more effectively come back into the conversation? Uh, what's a strategy that works?

SPEAKER_03 35:13

Being as open-hearted as you can. And sometimes that might not mean having the perfect thing to say. In fact, I would argue being your most open-hearted means that you don't necessarily have the perfect thing to say. It's even if it's you telling your partner, I don't actually know what to say right now, but I'm hurting, and I know you're hurting, and I want to reopen the door to connection. That's beautiful. That no, you don't have to have the 16-point plan about how to how to move through this repair. Just be honest and just share what's on your heart and how you are actually feeling. If you can actually name the feeling. And if you don't know what to do next, tell your partner. And you might just be able to figure it out together.

SPEAKER_05 36:12

Yeah. So I hear trust. Trust myself, trust my partner.

SPEAKER_03 36:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:16

Trust that I may not know where I'm going, but if I open my mouth, I'll find my way.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:20

Trust that if I open my heart, that my partner will receive it and not attack me. Now that's a hard one.

SPEAKER_03 36:30

It is hard.

SPEAKER_05 36:31

As we all have had the experiences within our relationship to say, well, this validates, you know, I opened up my heart, they didn't trust me, they attacked me for how long it took me, or for walking away, or how it negatively impacted their their uh their system. How do I trust this person? Yeah, I think the most important thing that we have to remember in relationship is someone has to go first. It's never gonna heal itself unless one of us has the courage to go first.

Pattern Mastery: Moving from Self-Doubt to Relational Action

SPEAKER_03 37:12

And the thing is, is that it can be really easy to fall into a story of if I go first, I'm always gonna go first. And I would argue that in most cases uh modeling that will actually open your partner in a really beautiful way that will invite them to start going first sometimes too.

SPEAKER_05 37:36

Yeah. And I would add to it is we I only tend to see the ways that I go first in the patterns that work best for me. And one of the things that's great about the compass is recognizing that there are four quadrants and four essential uh skills that are being built in those. And in every relationship, one of us is stronger in certain quadrants than the others. And one of us has greater skills in one area than they do in another. And so I might be going first in repair, or I might be going first in initiating the conversation, or I might be going first in holding the safety of this relationship. That's the skill that I have, and that's the skill that I get to bring and be a leader in. And it's okay if I go first in this area and you go first in that area, provided that we're seeing that the other person is contributing and bringing their gifts rather than just seeing my gifts as the only gifts that are really valuable. So sometimes we're not gonna trade off. Sometimes there's just gonna be this is your area, I go I go first here, and I'm I'm comfortable with going first here, and I'll be the one that anchors us in our relationship while I recognize that you go first over here and you present something really valuable and important to the relationship, but we have to be able to see those benefits rather than just seeing our own.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

Complimentary strengths. Yeah, it's a really good point. It's a really good point. And and I hope that people are seeing throughout these episodes about the different compass tractions that there is a little bit of each of us in all of it. Yes, we do tend to lean more one way or another, but then over time we might tend to lean more a different direction than another. Uh, we you and I have each talked about how we used to be in different areas primarily than we are now. Um and we have a little bit of all of it in us. So this is why it's so important to understand all of them and to understand your partner, because I also promise you that if you look hard enough, you will find parts of yourself in your partner's style as well. Absolutely.

Visionary Teamwork: How to Reconnect After an Internal Collapse

SPEAKER_05 39:52

And the question is which part are we currently leaning into to keep ourselves safe? And when we're trying to keep ourselves safe, we're typically distancing ourselves from our partner. And the question that we get to sit in is how can we lean into these parts of ourselves to create safety within the relational dynamic rather than separating, create greater connection. And once we do that, then we have an incredible system that is capable of doing almost anything.

SPEAKER_03 40:23

Yeah. And that truly is love and practice.

SPEAKER_05 40:27

If today's conversation helped you see a pattern in your relationship that you didn't notice before, do us a favor, hit that like button, tells the algorithm that this kind of information is really what matters.

SPEAKER_03 40:36

And if you want to keep moving from partner blame to pattern mastery, make sure you subscribe. We're releasing new episodes every week to help you and your partner function as a true visionary team.

SPEAKER_05 40:45

But don't let the work stop there. The best way to apply what you learned today is to go ahead, take the relational compass. You'll see the link in the description below.

SPEAKER_03 40:52

It takes two minutes and it gives you the map you need to navigate these conflict loops with intention. Take the assessment, share your results with your partner, and we'll see you in the next practice.