Why So Many Relationships End Around 3 Years (AKA the “Glitch” or “Itch”)

Seeing as we’re both at the 3- and 7-year marks in our relationships, we thought it was fitting to do an episode on this topic. One of us definitely experienced a shift right around the 3-year point.

Is the “3-year glitch” (or is it “itch”?) a real thing, or just an overhyped fad? Listen in as we share our opinions, experiences, and unofficial tips.

Let us know what your thoughts are on this topic. Thank you for listening!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

What's up, A students?

SPEAKER_03 0:12

On the microphone, you've got Amy and Lydia. Woo-woo!

SPEAKER_04 0:17

We're back with another Thursday episode as always. We're back with this will be on the test. Will this be on the test? Some of it might.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

I mean, like, this increase maybe. So make sure to grab a notebook and because this will be on the test.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Hello.

SPEAKER_04 0:43

Hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

I'm currently wearing Mia's baby's hat. Um fits ya. She found out over the podcast that I still have it. So Mia, oh, if you're listening, I still have your baby's hat.

SPEAKER_04 1:00

She's gonna keep it too. So it's quite a cute hat and it has little samplets on it. I think we already mentioned this in the last one.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

We did. Maybe I should take a picture. Maybe I'll take a picture with myself later. And we can post it to our Instagram. I like it. Because I've embarrassed myself enough.

SPEAKER_04 1:16

Mine as well. One more picture.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

I have an update to my white guy confidence theory. Yes. I want to hear it. I was talking to Tarek about it, and at first he was quite offended that I told him he had white guy confidence. And he was like, You don't know me at all. And then throughout like the conversation, I told him they've been together for three years. But yeah, okay. I told him, like, it's a a good thing. Like everybody should have white guy confidence. And then I realized another time he had white guy confidence, and I realized this is an important thing. It kind of goes on like in hand with the laundry episode that we've already done. He came home from or he was going on a trip and he went to a store to buy some new shirts. And he had already bought some in Barcelona in M and L. And then he came back and was like, I need to buy some more in L because after washing them, my shirts shrank. Blah blah blah. And he just kept talking, and I was like, excuse you, what? And he was like, Yeah, my shirt, my shirts shrank. And I was like, Are you sure? And he was like, Yeah, it's a thing. And I've Googled it, and it is a thing. A lot of these fast fashion, like HM, UniClo, all these bigger brands, they don't want to spend the money pre-shrinking the material. So when you put it on in the store, it might fit you really well. But then you wash and dry it and it shrinks. And I was like, this is white guy confidence, because I also bought shirts that don't fit me anymore. And I was like, I must have just become a huge. How did I how did I gain so much weight that three shirts don't fit me, but all my other shirts do? Um I love it. And his first reaction was the store made a mistake. And this is this is white guy confidence. This is what and I told him, like, it's not um like what is it, unearned confidence. It's just like a confidence that I think everybody should have. Like we shouldn't just assume our bodies are the problem. We should assume maybe the product shrink. Like that's such a nice way to go around about life. So I thought I'd update that in case it in case it wasn't clear in the last episode. It's a very positive thing to have white guy confidence.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

So if you didn't listen to the last episode, first of all, do. And second of all, we go on this like whole brand about how like white guys don't have problems and like they have an unfounded confidence, is how it came across. But that's not what we meant though.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

It is actually like it's a it's a theory I'm working on in my head right now. White guy confidence, and that's it's something I want in my life. And sometimes it comes across that like they don't have issues. That's not necessarily what I believe, I'm sure. Like I know terrible significant. No, but it's just like there are certain things that white guys have an approach to life at that I'm just like, man, I wish I wish that was the default for every person. Like that you just assume your shirts shrank in the dryer and not that you have somehow gained. Not that you wash it incorrectly, yeah. Yeah, that you are somehow the problem, but maybe. Yeah. So I thought I'd update that because he was quite confused with my white guy confidence theory.

SPEAKER_02 4:36

Okay. Well, it's good that you and Derek are still talking at this point because the two guys have been together for three years. Yep, three and a half years now. And for me and Domini, it's been seven and a half years. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:50

So we were both in that three-year, seven-year glitch, itch. I've heard both. I thought it was itch. Yeah, same.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

You say yeah, I I thought it was glitch, and then then I Googled it, and it's both. Yeah. Um, so before we get into the Would You Rathers, we thought we'd explain real quick what the topic today is because I don't know if you see the seven-year or three-year glitch that you know exactly what's meant. But basically, like a lot of relationships have problems at the three-year or the seven-year, like around that mark. Yep. So around like 36 months is like the first issues that a lot of relationships have. And we'll get into like why that's the case.

SPEAKER_04 5:34

The first issues that relationships have that last long. Like the most common is for relationships to end after a year and a half to two and two years.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

So I think this is relevant for a lot of people. I mean, even if you've been together with your partner for 20 plus years, you probably have a friend who's around that mark.

SPEAKER_04 5:53

And from what I've heard, like you know, younger people are or people in newer relationships are calling it three-year, seven-year itch glitch. But I think if you talk to people who have been in longer term relationships, like 10, 20 years, they're like, yeah, glitches or itches, they happen every few years. And it's just about coming up with a strategy to uh to overcome them or to see what issues need to be worked out.

SPEAKER_02 6:22

But before we get too serious, um, Amy, would you rather question a good relationship every three years or never question a bad relationship? This is a great question. Amy wrote this question down. It's very good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 6:40

That's all I talked about. She just took her hat off. I mean the baby's hat off. Um you gotta question your relationship every three years. A good relationship, right?

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_04 6:53

The only thing is it's it's very exhausting to question a good relationship.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

But my thought. I okay, I think the questioning every three years has to be like deeply questioning, like you're ready to break up. Yeah. Because my first thought was like, I mean, sure, you question the relationship from time to time, like, am I good enough for them, or vice versa. Yeah. Kind of thing. But I think this is like you're ready, you're close to breaking up with them, which sounds, yes, exhausting.

SPEAKER_04 7:24

But I think you have to but the other one, you just live in blissful ignorance. Like you never question a bad relationship.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Although no, you I mean I don't know what a bad relationship. I mean, they don't treat you nicely, off obviously. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:40

Maybe they like cheat.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

But I don't think it has to be, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:43

Maybe not like I don't think it has to be abuse.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_04 7:47

Um they're not treating you well.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

Yeah, no, for me, it's definitely question the good relationship everything. The thing is, though, okay. Hands down.

SPEAKER_04 7:55

I like to overthink everything. So part of me is kind of like, it'd be nice to not question one thing in my life.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

I yeah, I get that. I get that.

SPEAKER_04 8:09

Maybe it's not a good relationship, but I don't question it. That sounds kind of nice. Well, I'm happy.

SPEAKER_02 8:16

That's fair. Yeah, I know I think I'd still go with that, but I do see your point.

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Yeah. No, I mean I would, I mean, I'd rather be in a good relationship, right? That's the trade-off. Um but it sounds kind of nice to not question it. And then maybe, maybe you don't, yeah, like you don't realize you're in a bad relationship because if you're not questioning it, then you're not really comparing. So it's just Yeah. Hmm. I'm actually not sure now.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

It's a weird thing to imagine.

SPEAKER_04 8:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:48

But then like your friends won't I mean they'll know, right? Yeah. And they can tell you, and you'll just be like, no. He's he's great. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_04 9:00

But then it like, do I really think he's great? And he maybe just like cheats on me a bunch and doesn't treat me well, and doesn't clean up, and you know.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

I can't just I can't imagine being brainwashed that.

SPEAKER_04 9:18

I was gonna say, I can't imagine myself in a relationship like that.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

I think that's the hard part, but yeah, or being content in a relationship like that, especially. Like I think that you I think you get caught in something like that way quicker than one imagines.

SPEAKER_04 9:33

I think so too. I think most people who are in a situation like that willingly, like, they wouldn't imagine that for themselves, usually, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I have to go with the good relationship. I just can't I can't picture the other thing well enough. I think I have to go. And also, like thinking, okay, no, this, okay, this is the argument. I'm gonna sway you. You have kids with this man, and your kids see how he treats you, and that is the example that you set for them.

SPEAKER_04 10:08

On the other hand, your kids see every three years that you question this good person that they love that they think is great, and then Yeah, but then they just think mommy's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

Yeah, exactly. They're probably gonna think that anyway.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

Probably.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Mommy goes to therapy, mom's therapy.

SPEAKER_04 10:28

In the other, but the other one is like mommy doesn't question enough. Like, how is mom not realizing?

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah, so what's worse? Yeah, that's worse. Damn children. If you if you had a crystal ball to look into the future, would you rather see how the relationship will end beforehand, or would you not use the crystal ball?

SPEAKER_04 10:52

No, I wouldn't use the crystal ball. Well, wait, okay. No, let me let me rephrase. Is the crystal ball always there? Because I don't have that kind of self-control that I would never look at it. But if it was like for five minutes, I can hold back. If it's always somewhere in my apartment, eventually I'm gonna be annoyed with Tarek and be like, I need to see this fucking crystal ball.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

You definitely would have been like an Eve in the Bible story.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

You can't tell me to not eat the fucking apple. I see it. Yeah, but probably same. Um also, how wild is it that women damned humanity? What in the world? How accurate. Sure.

SPEAKER_04 11:42

No, women just persuaded by temptation.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Which is usually the women. We're the ones who can't control our temptations. Right. I mean. No, it's okay, back to the what you're in. Yes. It's you get one chance to look through the crystal ball.

SPEAKER_04 12:11

No, I do not look into the crystal ball if it is only there for a few minutes.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

See, I agree in the relationship I am in now. But if you are in one of these phases where you're questioning the whole relationship and you're like, should I break up? Should I not?

SPEAKER_04 12:30

I mean even there, I think I'd rather not know. I don't know. Well, because either way it's sad, right? I was gonna say, what if you like, okay, what if you see like, oh, you stay together forever and blah blah blah. But you could also see like you're married with kids and you have a really messy divorce, and then you decide to not have that future by breaking up with the person. Yeah, but you maybe miss out on all the happy moments that would have happened.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

It's very deep. I probably wouldn't look through a crystal ball, but if I was like in a relationship crisis, I'd be torn.

SPEAKER_04 13:10

Yeah, that's why it has to be like uh someone shows up at your door and was like, would you like to look in this?

SPEAKER_02 13:22

Let's get down to business. Can I explain real quick, like what happens? Yeah. Based on the research that I've done. Basically, when you first fall in love, there's a lot of pheromone pheromones and hormones and things, and you know, it's like actual chemistry. That's why you say I have chemistry with this person, but you actually just have chemistry in your brain. Um, and so you know that's like the whole giddy feeling and everything's electric and all that. And it's electric. Over time, it's electric. Over time, those lessen, and you the like rule of thumb is after about three years, those pheromones aren't kind of there anymore, they're not nearly as strong as when you first fall in love with somebody. And so that's why people will often feel like uh it's not the same as in the beginning anymore, it's just not as electric as it was, I don't feel that spark anymore. That's chemistry. So I think that's pretty fascinating.

SPEAKER_04 14:26

So to answer the first question, do you think it's real? You would say yes.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

Oh, yes, I would say yes. Based on, I don't think it's real in the sense that you have to worry at year three that this is definitely gonna happen. But it's nice to know that that's a possibility. Yeah, makes sense. But I do think it's very real. I think the three-year one for sure is real. I'll keep you guys posted on this. So far, so good, but uh, I'm ready. Throw down. Uh what about you?

SPEAKER_04 15:04

Um I think I semi-believe in it. Okay. I think at some point, yeah, the chemistry is bound to change a little bit. Like you said, like the the spark is maybe no longer like it used to be, and you get more into like a long-term relationship, and you maybe start questioning things, but I think that's a a good thing to happen in a relationship. Like it's healthy to get to a point where you're like, okay, I I want to decide to be with this person or not, and not just because I have these overwhelming feelings. It's like an active decision. Um from what I've seen, I don't think it's uh like like you said the three year one happened for you and you year four. I think it's just bound to happen. I think three and seven are kind of the common markers.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

But I'm guessing it's like a statistic.

SPEAKER_04 16:02

Yeah, I'm guessing it can happen earlier, it can happen later, and it's probably gonna happen again and again where you just you get an opportunity to decide to stay with this person again.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Uh-huh. That's a nice way of putting it. You get an opportunity to decide. So are you like, are you informing yourself about this now because you're around that mark? Are you listening to podcasts, reading books?

SPEAKER_04 16:27

Totally. Um, I'm just more of a bitch toister than I usually am. No. Um I definitely probably because you're on your period. Probably. I definitely Googled it and I've heard about it from other people. Um but no, I haven't actively like read anything, any literature, or listened to any podcast. I did look for a podcast on it, but I couldn't find anything, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

I'm gonna try to find the ones that I listen to because I know I found a few good ones, but it was a few years ago. And if I can find them, I will link them in the show notes for you guys. That'd be cool. But yeah. I mean, there are a lot of like there's Jay Shetty who does like relationship podcasts. I don't know if he has specifically on this topic. But so you heard about it, and that's why because you brought up this idea to do this episode.

SPEAKER_04 17:24

Because I figured you're in your seven of your relationship, I'm in your three of my relationship. It'd be a fun thing to talk about. Yeah. Um okay. Because I do know couples who break up around this mark as well, like the three. Yeah, me too. Yeah, and I think and quite a few, actually. But I think that's like it's an opportunity to see if you want to stay with this person, and sometimes you don't, and that's absolutely fine.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

Yeah, yeah. Like breaking up, I mean I said this in the in the when to break up episode. Breaking up isn't the worst way a relationship can end, in my opinion. I think it can end and you can still be together. Yeah, and you just hate each other.

SPEAKER_04 18:02

Or you just don't feel for each other. I think that's even worse.

unknown 18:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:07

I mean, no, hating each other is worse, but like apathy.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

I always think of um this scene in the help, the movie, where the mom is trying to set up her daughter with um with a guy, and and the daughter says, No, he's a pig, and she goes, Love and hate are are two horns on the same buck, Virginia, and you need a book. I always think of that. I should not remember this. I think it's such a great phrase. Okay, I want a hat with so much merch. So much. Um, do you think do you think um knowing about this can prepare you for it?

SPEAKER_04 18:53

Um I think it's nice to bring up in the beginning, or not maybe not like the beginning of a relationship, but to kind of know that you're going to go through rough patches and have an idea, even if that idea is usually completely off of how you're actually gonna handle it. Just like to have a talk with your partner of like if we when we hit a rough patch, how do we communicate? At what point do we communicate?

SPEAKER_02 19:21

Did you have this talk with Tarek?

SPEAKER_04 19:23

Yeah, we talked about it in the beginning of our relationship. That like we would try to continue to choose each other as long as it makes sense. And if one of us is questioning things and you start talking to the person sooner rather than later, so that like the idea is to if something ends up not working, that you don't blindside the other person.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

I fully agree with that. Yeah. Not that I do it like that, but that sounds like a great way to approach this.

SPEAKER_04 19:50

In theory, I think it's a very smart thing if that actually is legit how it's going to play out.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

I think a shocking amount of people don't see arguing and fighting as a normal thing in relationships. But I don't see how you can get through like spending so much time with a person without having an argument. Not even just in a relationship. But if I spent the amount of time that I spend with Domini with my best friend, I mean at one point I would probably have to tell her, hey, this bothers me. Or we would get into a little fight.

SPEAKER_04 20:28

Yeah. I think it does depend on the level of argument. Because like For sure. I've never been in a screaming match with a partner, and like for me that would be pretty intense, I think. Yeah, yeah. And that wouldn't be normal.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:50

But like arguing, of course. Yeah, there's like the two poles. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:54

No, but there's a lot of people who don't who think that that's then the end of the relationship. Or if they never fight, they're like, we just have we we never fight. It's amazing. And for me, that's always kind of like, mmm, I feel a fight coming on sometime. It's gonna be a big one. But I might be wrong. Maybe I'm I've lost the. I'm gonna use young lingo. Maybe I've lost the plot.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

Wow, you're so young.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Um, I know. I'm so happy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:25

When Tarek and I moved in together in Mexico, we bought pool noodles. So when we got into fights, we could get into fights and then hit each other with the pool noodles. We never did it, but sometimes when you're annoyed at each other, it's really hard to like stay serious when you're hitting each other with the earth. So we grabbed noodle.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Yeah. I can see that.

SPEAKER_04 21:46

That sounds like a good plan. Yeah, I realize now we don't have pool noodles. I miss them. Uh but I think fighting it like again, the goal of the relationship is to choose each other. But you can think the other person is doing something. Stupid, or you or you yourself do something shitty and they get mad at you, and I mean people.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Well, because you're you're bound to I know this sounds really dark, but you're bound to disappoint each other.

unknown 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

You're bound to mi mix up a date and not put something in your calendar and you guys had planned something together, or some like mistakes are gonna happen, and then you're gonna want to fight about it.

SPEAKER_04 22:22

Or they have quirks that you don't enjoy, but the majority of their personality is something you do like, and every so often you're gonna have to release steam of like, I don't know, I leave my cups everywhere, you know? It's justified if somebody gets mad about that every so often.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

Do you think every relationship has a built-in expiry date if you don't actively fight for it?

SPEAKER_04 22:50

I'm not sure I fully understand that question. Like I think every relationship has a built-in expiry date, regardless. Okay. Like every relationship is going to end. That's dark. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

As far as Do you think okay, no, so I guess the qu the the like heart of the question is do you believe in soulmates?

SPEAKER_04 23:17

No.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

Okay. Do you? Because I think, you know, the whole thing, you're meant for each other, you come together, God, the universe, whatever, plan this, and that's what it's meant to be. You guys, you just you're gonna stay together.

SPEAKER_04 23:34

I think if it was meant to be, it wouldn't be hard at points, right? Like if you believe that, then the moment it gets hard, you leave. Because a meant-to-be relationship shouldn't be.

SPEAKER_02 23:46

Yeah, I agree. I think the soulmate, the whole soulmate idea is counterproductive. I think it's cool. I don't think that's the point.

SPEAKER_04 23:55

I I think you have maybe you can have soulmates for different periods of your life, too.

SPEAKER_02 24:02

Yes. But but I think the whole the the the issue that I have with the soulmates, I watch a lot of reality TV. And then you always, and obviously that's like way over the top, but then you see these people who've known each other for five minutes, and they're like, oh my god, he or she is my best friend. I found my soulmate, blah blah blah blah. And then I'm kind of like, bitch, those are that's all hormones talking. You don't know this person. There's no way you could know that they are your soulmate, even if that's a thing. Yeah. And that I think is problematic with the whole soulmate thing. So you can feel that initial spark for a lot of people, like not a lot of people, but I don't believe that that's specific to one person.

SPEAKER_04 24:47

No, I don't think so either. Also, that whole love at first sight, like yeah, no, that's bullshnickel. That's attraction at first sight for sure. Do you think every relationship has a built-in expir expiration date?

SPEAKER_02 25:02

I think there are points when it can expire every few years. Relationships are like a sourdough starter.

SPEAKER_04 25:16

Go on.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

You have to tend to it regularly, and if you don't, it's gonna die.

SPEAKER_04 25:26

Yeah, you can always get a new sourdough starter.

SPEAKER_02 25:29

You can, but it won't be the same.

SPEAKER_04 25:32

But maybe it'll be better.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

Maybe it'll be better. That's the risk you're gonna have to take if you want to get a new one.

SPEAKER_04 25:39

Sometimes you can just borrow one from a friend too.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

You can, but it's from the friend.

SPEAKER_04 25:50

What does the glitch feel like, or what did it feel like for you?

SPEAKER_02 25:56

I very strongly had the feeling of it's not how it used to be the relationship. I think in the beginning there is this really nice part of a the beginning of a relationship where everything's new and you do something, and your partner looks at you like you're the best person in the world because you uh I don't know. I I remember once I was shaving Jamini's beard, just I can't remember why, because it's like a cute thing you do, I think. I don't know, and then some of some of his shaving cream, he like was messing with me, and some of the shaving cream went onto my face, and so I took it off and I put it on his face, and then he just looked to me and I was like, Why? He's like, You're so cool. Aww. And that was the thing I had in my head, like, and I felt that was gone for a while when we were in that glitch. I felt I wasn't the coolest thing in the world to him anymore.

SPEAKER_04 27:02

Yeah. Which, fair enough. I mean, sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Have you met me, girl?

unknown 27:09

Girl?

SPEAKER_04 27:10

Hence my comment is fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

A sweater coming, I'm the coolest thing in the world.

SPEAKER_04 27:16

That's my guy confidence. There we go.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

That's my guy confidence. It felt yeah, like the very the the feeling that kind of um went through everything, like there was other feelings of of course and other issues, but the main sense was it's not like it used to be.

SPEAKER_04 27:39

Okay. And how did you move past that? Well, you anyway. Um catch us next week.

SPEAKER_02 27:51

Well, no, um, we had a big crisis, yeah. And we had to really work through it. Yeah, I didn't know how to get that spark back. And then I listened to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of books, and I was gonna use this for my funny story, but it fits now better. I remember listening to one podcast, and I will try to find it for you guys. I hope I can find it. And I remember her talking about this three-year glitch, and she says, the beautiful thing, something along the lines of the beautiful thing of this three-year glitch is what you said before. You get the opportunity to choose each other without the hormones or anything blocking your brain, you get the opportunity to actively choose your partner with a clear mind. Yeah. And I thought that that was really cool, and it made the next phase of the relationship somehow even better. I was mourning the first part in a way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:54

But it's kind of but I was I because then you know you're both picking each other, and it's not run by hormones, it's run by your your desire to be with each other.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

Yeah. You've gotten to know each other and still you want to be together. Yeah. And that is I mean, I want to say more beautiful, but I think the first part of the relationship is also really cool, but it's just a very different part that is also very special. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:22

It's good.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

I think it's hard to know. Am I questioning this a normal amount or not? And that is an impossible, I think that's an impossible thing to know. Like, is this a normal amount of doubt? Yeah. Or is this not the right person for me? Yeah. Or not the right person anymore. Have I grown in a different way than they have?

SPEAKER_04 29:46

Yeah. Soulmates for a moment.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

I mean Yes, that I believe. I think there are people for a moment, and either you grow in the same direction or similar enough that you can still work together, or maybe you just grow apart. Which is fine too.

SPEAKER_04 30:03

It's very sad, but but it's like, yes, it's very sad when a relationship ends. I totally agree with this, but it doesn't like it's sad because you're you miss them and everything, but it doesn't just because it's sad doesn't mean it's the wrong decision all the time.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

No, I agree. I think it's more sad, and I try to bring this in a lot. For me, it would be more sad to stay in the relationship and kind of block them from being happy with somebody else. Yeah. Then break up.

SPEAKER_04 30:36

Yeah. And block yourself. Like you're blocking both people then.

SPEAKER_02 30:42

Is coming out of the other side of a glitch what actually makes a relationship real? I wanted your take on this. That's a very interesting question. But yeah. I mean, I think in order to overcome these things, you guys like both of the parties have to be fully ready. You can't overcome it your own. And love isn't enough in this situation, which I think is the most heartbreaking thing. If you just love the person so much, but they're not willing to do the work, or you know that even if they do, you can't get on the same page, and that is just heartbreaking. I don't think overcoming it is what makes a relationship real. I think a relationship is real before. I agree. I just makes it different. No, it's just a different. Like I said before, I think before is beautiful and after is beautiful too. And it's it does feel I will say for me it felt very different the before and the after. It's almost like two different relationships. Interesting. But both very beautiful relationships that I would do again. Yeah. So I w I don't think one is more real than the other. They're just different.

SPEAKER_03 32:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

I don't know. What do you think? I'm babbling.

SPEAKER_04 32:10

Subconscious. No, I agree. I think just it sometimes, I don't know, I've heard this, like it's not a real relationship until it's been like tested by time, but then when is it a real relationship? I think it's always like it's always a relationship. It just changes and yeah, the glitch is I mean, whenever it comes, I'm guessing it's an uncomfortable thing that you you work through or you don't. If you work through it, probably makes your relationship stronger. That I yeah, I think. And so maybe it I mean yeah, it changes the relationship. It allows you to pick each other.

SPEAKER_02 32:55

I could say it it solidifies it a little more.

SPEAKER_04 32:59

Yeah, but I think it's already like for me a relationship is already solidified before. Like three years is already a long time to be in a relationship. Like that's already you know I've had other relationships that were much shorter. Um but I would also consider those real relationships. So I don't think that this is like something that if you haven't gone through it, you're not in a real real relationship. And I don't know if it's always as intense for everyone.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

No, I don't think it is. I think if after three years you realize I think you can also have the the chemistry kind of fades and you realize, wow, we're not really good for each other. I was kind of it kind of clouded my judgment. I think that happens to quite a few people. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 33:50

Oh, I was also thinking the opposite of like the the hormones, the form pheromones fade gradually. And like you realize what's going on, but you're both very much like we're still picking each other, and maybe you have like some hiccups, but it's not a big glitch, and that one comes later or something.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

Oh, okay. I see what you mean. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:12

Yeah, maybe. I'm guessing also if you have like kids or something around the three year, you know, that will also change things. Like for sure. That'll yeah. The three-year, if it's just the two of you, maybe changes it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 34:27

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think it has to be like strictly the three years, but it's probably good to be ready for a crisis. Yeah. Or a bump. A hiccup.

SPEAKER_04 34:42

I was gonna say a hiccup. A crisis seems so so extreme. Maybe it is extreme.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Yeah. The last question we have is what resources helped you at the time? I'm gonna add, like I said, podcasts and books, but obvious like this seems obvious, but like friends and family. I think the moment I was open to you guys, it was always, yes, you guys were very understanding, but there was an undertone of. Are you sure? You you don't you sure? Because he said it's like a good one. You don't make him be kind. He's too much of a golden retriever, or what's the problem here? True. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:28

Yeah, that really helped a lot. Yeah. I also think like resources, like your partner. If you can't be open with them about what's going on, then I mean it could be a your own red flag, it could also be a red flag for them. Like, ideally, it's something you have to work through together, even if it is affecting one person more than the other.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

I think it's a bit dangerous if like every insecurity you then like as somebody with a lot of insecurities, if I would pile every un insecurity onto Domini, we'd have such long days.

SPEAKER_04 36:05

You know? No, not every insecurity, but like the big one. If you start questioning things, if if you think you're going through this, that I agree. Not like every insecurity, no. God, I mean, if you want to, sure. That would be too much for Tarek, I think. And he already deals with the world.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

It won't be too much for me. But yeah, no, I agree. Ideally, you can work it out with them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:31

Whether you stay together or not, ideally you work it out with your partner.

SPEAKER_02 36:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:42

This happened a few months ago, but I got very insecure about the relationship. Um, not about the relationship. It was more I realized I started finding other people attractive. And it was more I was baffled by the fact that I hadn't been finding people attractive. Yeah, I was gonna say. Um, like I That was gonna be my reaction. I don't know, like I would see a guy and was like, oh, that's an attractive person for sure. Like, I it's not like I didn't see that someone was attractive, it was just like there was no like, hmm, he's attractive. Desire, yeah. And then a few months ago, like a few times I met a guy and I was like, oh, it's kind of like not flirty, but like interesting. And then I was like, I'm a horrible person, and like, oh my god, cheating. That too. Um and I remember Derek and I were going for a hike, and I I was I was so nervous to talk about this that I was finding other people attractive. Not that I wanted to do anything with anyone else, but I was finding other people attractive. And I was like, I was it took me almost an hour to get basically that sentence out. And he was like, Katie, yeah, but that's okay. And I was like, but you know, like I want to be with you, and I don't know why my brain is like finding other people attractive. Like, I still find you obviously attractive because you know, and like I was trying to justify, and he's like, Amy, I find other people attractive too. And I was like, Yeah? Part of me was like, wait, who? Um, which I don't think you need to discuss in every relationship. Um, but it was quite funny that like I was I was so in my head about it. Like I was like, it's not like I would ever, or I don't think I'm the kind of person that would cheat on my partner. Um but I was so nervous that just finding other people attractive meant that maybe I would become a cheater.

SPEAKER_03 38:58

Aww.

SPEAKER_04 39:01

And that maybe he wouldn't like me anymore because sometimes I find other people attractive.

SPEAKER_02 39:10

It's normal to find other people attractive.

SPEAKER_04 39:13

I know, but I feel like it's really weird that I didn't find other people attractive for a while. Yeah, that's it's been three three years. Yeah. That's pretty impressive. Yeah. Not I mean, like if people were still attractive, but like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:27

And Tarek's a little bit of a serial monogamous, no? So he might have been more used to it, or is this also the longest relationship he's had?

SPEAKER_04 39:35

I think now it's the longest relationship he's had, but he's also his relationships have definitely lasted longer than mine. And in previous relationships, I always found other people attractive. Oh. So that was new to me. Also, this is new to me that it was gone. And then confusing to me. Because like it came back, and that was a warning sign for me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Gotcha. Um, but we talked about it. It makes a lot of sense. It was good. Do you ever have that though? With like where you build something up so big in your head, and then you tell them and they're like, it's it's really not it's really not good.

SPEAKER_02 40:14

No, I have that. I get really, or I used to get really insecure when I would dream about somebody else. That's also weird. But it's so weird, and I have or I would dream that I would know that I'm with him, but be attracted to somebody else and like want to do something with somebody else. And I would wake up and be like, oh my god, I'm a horror person. It was in my dream. No control. Like, I I don't, I'm not capable of lucid dreaming.

SPEAKER_04 40:46

But yeah, I feel yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 40:50

It's like, yeah, if you cheat on them in your dream and you wake up and you're mad at yourself, like it the cliche is they cheat on you in a dream and you're mad at them, which I don't get. Oh, I did that too. I would get that- What?

SPEAKER_02 41:01

I get that. You don't get that? Because like I was just pissed yesterday.

SPEAKER_04 41:07

No, if that happens to me, if I dream about someone and I wake up and I was like, that's fucking weird. I'm like, that's never gonna happen. What is going on in my brain? I I get mad at myself. I wouldn't expect him to get mad at me. So if the same thing happens to him, unless he's like, it was good, then I'd be like, okay, that's fucking weird.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Um oh, but I mean, if I dream about him cheating on me, he's gonna hear about it. Oh. Because why would I dream that?

SPEAKER_04 41:36

I mean, have I had that dream before? I don't know if that's happened. And if so, I think it's more like a haha, are you cheating on me? No? Okay, cool. No, I'm way more of an asshole. I'm I'm very secure in this relationship, I realize. Hasn't always been the case in my life, but anyway.

SPEAKER_02 41:58

So if you guys are going through it or one of your friends are going through it, we feel for you. Yeah. Listen to the podcasts. Our podcast.

SPEAKER_04 42:08

Listen to other people go through it. You know, it's an opportunity. It's an opportunity.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

Just bring in that white guy energy. And um, don't be an asshole. Yup. Okay. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

What's up, A students?

SPEAKER_03 42:38

On the microphone, you've got Amy and Lydia. Whoop-woo!

SPEAKER_02 42:43

We're back with another Thursday episode as always.

SPEAKER_04 42:48

We're back with this will be on the test. Will this be on the test? Some of it might.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

I mean, might have to do this in case maybe. So make sure to grab a notebook and because this will be on the test.