Social Media Red Flags: What Couples' Posts Really Reveal (Ep. 10)

Summary: Robert and Shelly dive into a topic most couples have thought about but rarely say out loud — what social media behavior might actually reveal about the health of a marriage. With plenty of disclaimers and a healthy dose of humor, they walk through five patterns that can signal deeper relational issues, while being careful to emphasize that no single post tells the whole story. It's about patterns, not judgments.

5 Social Media Red Flags to Watch For

1. The Disappearing Spouse

One partner suddenly vanishes from all posts. No tags, no mentions, no anniversary celebrations — just kids, selfies, and work content. While some couples intentionally go more private, a sudden shift can reflect emotional distance that's already happened offline.

2. Passionate Preaching About Independence

Posts like "I don't need anyone" or "Strong women don't wait to be rescued" that show up out of nowhere — especially in patterns — can signal significant hurt or resentment. Robert and Shelly share a real example and remind listeners: social media is not the place to process your trauma.

3. Vague Emotional Processing

Repeated posts about betrayal, healing, broken trust, or "protecting my peace" can be a sign that someone is processing pain publicly instead of with a trusted person — a spouse, therapist, pastor, or friend.

4. Overcompensating (The "Perfect Marriage" Posts)

Over-the-top romantic posts that insist everything is perfect can sometimes signal the opposite. Research backs this up — when people feel insecure in their relationship, they sometimes signal strength publicly to convince others (and themselves) that everything is fine.

5. Attention Seeking

A sudden spike in selfies, heavily filtered photos, or posts fishing for compliments can indicate emotional starvation at home. When emotional needs aren't being met within the marriage, validation often gets sought elsewhere — even online.

The Bigger Truth

The strongest predictors of marital health aren't social media posts. They're things like:

• Emotional safety
• Repair after conflict
• Vulnerability and responsiveness
• Emotional maturity

"Your marriage doesn't move in the direction of your posts. It moves in the direction of your emotional maturity." — Robert

Summit Challenge (7-Day Exercise)

Before you post anything for the next 7 days, ask yourself:

• Have we connected today?
• Have we talked about more than just logistics?
• Have I shared one real feeling?

Let social media reflect your reality — not replace it.

Key Takeaways

• Social media can reveal patterns of attention. It cannot reveal intimacy.
• If you feel distance in your marriage, don't analyze your feed — address your connection.
• Healthy couples process pain together. Disconnected couples process pain online.

Resources

Visit marriagebasedcamp.com to take your next step.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Marriage Base Camp podcast. My name is Robert.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

And I'm Shelly.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And we are here, and uh, we got a great episode, I think, for you today. Today we're talking about something that I think almost every couple, maybe even every person, but especially couples, have has thought about at some point, but probably has not said out loud. And so, have you ever been scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, whatever it is, through someone's social media, and you thought, uh-oh.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Somebody right.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Something's alright, something's off about this, you know. Maybe one spouse suddenly stops posting about the other one. Maybe it's only pictures of the kids now, or maybe the captions just feel different, or the tone has shifted, like something has changed.

SPEAKER_04 1:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

And the question, question starts forming in your head, like is like what? What's different? Like, is their marriage in trouble? What happened? Like all those sorts of things that you might be wondering about. And so today we're going to talk about social media red flags. These are things that we have seen, uh, and what they may or may not actually mean when you see them, right? Because it's not automatic that some of these things are bad. However, there's going to be many disclaimers in this episode, okay? And there are always exceptions to the rule.

SPEAKER_04 1:58

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

We're not saying if you see this, it equals some sort of nefarious activity, but it might. And so we're not trying to be offensive here. So we apologize if this offends. Uh, we're just anecdotally expressing our own experiences, what we have seen. Yeah, what we've seen, and what time has proven over and over again, right? Is maybe something to be curious about. Right. And so I would also add this neither one of us are to be the experts on social media.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Oh, goodness, no.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Like, I'm guessing if you gave anybody any amount of money and said, go pick the two experts on social media, we would not be on anyone's list ever.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

No.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

So take that for what it's worth. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Before we jump in, just a little bit like claimer, like we are not um diagnosing mental and and marital health through what we're gonna be saying today. And people are selective in what they post, they filter, they show what they want, um, which is why it's called a highlight reel. Because they just kind of post moments that they only want people to see. Uh, the healthiest couples, you know, might barely post about each other. And the couple who post the most romantic content might be struggling actually privately. So we're not here to judge people's feeds, we're here to talk about patterns that sometimes reflect deeper issues.

unknown 3:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Patterns. That's what we're looking at.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Yeah. So even though we're not here to judge people's feeds, we are kind of gonna judge people's feeds a little bit in the this content. And so here's our uh another one of our disclaimers. Social media reveals patterns and areas that probably need attention often. If you know what you're looking for, if you have a good memory and you can remember the the style of someone's post, and then it changes necessarily, it could mean something is off, something is is happening. It doesn't automatically reveal the level of intimacy in their personal relationship, right? But it could be a good a good sign. Um, especially if this is someone close to you. Yes. If it's if you're not close to them, then maybe just be aware of it. If it's someone who's close to you, then then it might be good for you to get curious and maybe ask some hard questions to this person.

SPEAKER_04 4:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Hey, I'm noticing this or whatever. So let's jump right in to the social media red flags, and let's start with one that we think most people notice pretty quickly. And uh we call this one the disas disappearing spouse.

SPEAKER_04 4:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:49

And it it happens exactly the like it sounds, you know, and so one spouse just literally disappears from all the posts. An example of this might be someone posts that says, you know, Saturday morning soccer with my whole world, hashtag boy mom. And it's like, oh whole world, huh? Okay. Or uh maybe this one work trip to Denver this week, excited for the opportunities ahead.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah, and their their spouse has not tagged it or anything, not tagged, not mentioned, right?

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Again, it's not overtly evil. There's nothing wrong with it. Um, but it could, you know, you might pick up on the pattern. Man, they used to post about each other often. They used to mention their date nights, they used to celebrate anniversaries, they used to tag each other in their photos, and then suddenly nothing like one of them is just gone. All the posts are only about the kids. Yep, it's just a lot of selfies, a lot of work content, a lot of hobby type things. And so um you you might see a post that says family movie night, and there's a photo, and the photo is like all the kids on the couch, you know, with their popcorn, and and the other end of the couch is just suspiciously cropped out. Like where's Bill? You know, and that's interesting. Again, it doesn't prove anything. Some couples intentionally get more private. I feel like we have kind of gotten more private when it comes to social media.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

I actually looked today, I was like, I really just post about marriage stuff.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Yeah. Like I feel like we used to be way more open and and uh about everything that was going on. And it's not that we're well, I don't know. I it's okay to to be private is what we're saying. It doesn't mean if you're private private, something's bad.

SPEAKER_04 6:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Um but there there could it could be a sign of of you know unhealth, could be a reflection of emotional distance that's happened.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Yeah. So and like you were saying, like emotional intimacy, if it dries up offline, sometimes it can show up as you know, absent online. Not because someone made a you know strategic decision, but because if you don't feel connected enough to share. I I love this line. If if you don't feel warmth toward you, like if I don't feel warmth toward you, I'm not naturally going to showcase you.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

You don't want to that's you don't want to brag about me if I'm not if I don't feel warmth toward you and I don't feel intimacy towards you, then Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

So I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

And a reminder, uh, I believe we said this earlier in our episode on emotional intimacy. Marriages do not drift toward connection, they drift toward distance.

unknown 7:52

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

And so sometimes you can pick this up when you just kind of follow someone's social media feed. And so if someone has stopped investing emotionally, like you said, that you don't feel warm towards each other, sometimes it becomes visible in very small ways. And yes, online is one of those ways.

SPEAKER_00 8:11

Yeah. Now the red flag is passionate preaching about independence. Yeah. So some quotes that might sound like, I don't need anyone. Strong women don't depend on men. Real men would fill out the blank. Yeah, um, example posts might be strong women don't wait for someone to rescue them, they rescue themselves. Uh superwoman. Yeah. This one learning that peace comes from when you stop expecting people to be what you needed them to be. I was like, hmm, okay. Well, when the language around identity starts separating instead of uniting, that can reflect hurt has occurred. When they just start posting things out of the blue, that's yeah, about well, I'm strong and I'm this.

SPEAKER_01 9:00

Yeah, it I literally saw I saw this post literally recently. Okay, and I knew we were gonna be doing this episode, and so I basically wrote it down, and and this is it. This I mean, it's word for word. I'm not making this up. I am one of those women. Okay, it took me 52 years, seven months, and five days to recognize my strength. Oh when you become the woman you were always meant to be, you don't force power, you embody it. Rise up always.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

That's a real post.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

That's crazy now. I'm glad you found yourself, but like I want to be careful.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yeah, we we want to be careful here. Posts like that, they don't always mean someone is emotionally spiraling out of control. Okay. What we're talking about here is is patterns.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

And so this particular person has shown a pattern of this type of post recently. This was not a one-off.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

Okay. So here here's a previous post.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

The previous post? Oh no. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

If I I don't mean like the the the one directly before it, but it was a previous post. Please teach your daughters, all capital daughters. Please teach your daughters that following a man through hell is not love. Standing by his side while he drags you through years of embarrassment and infidelity that make you question your worth is cap not love. Abandoning your dignity and self-respect just to keep the peace is not love. Unlearn that. A man who truly loves you would never put himself in a position to lose you or hurt you.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

There's so much here I could talk about, but just the post itself.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

There has been significant trauma go on here. And in case we've never said this on the podcast, let's say it very clearly right now. Social media is not the place to process your trauma.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

That's exactly what she's doing.

unknown 11:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

She's trying.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

She's trying. She's trying. And you know, you your heart goes out to her because she's obviously been through some some crazy stuff. And so, but when you see posts like this, it doesn't automatically mean that divorce has recently happened or is coming soon. It's a pretty good indication. Uh however, it's a it is a strong indication that there is definitely resentment, yes, either building up and about to explode, or it's already exploded.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

And the shrapnel is just affecting everyone at this point.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Because I mean, like if you make a post like that, I could imagine you are living in complete bitterness. Like outwardly, like social media and inwardly that you're that's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Yeah. We I said earlier social media is not the place to process trauma. I believe that it's interesting and it's sad that in our culture, we've kind of made social media the only place that people have the opportunity to process their trauma.

SPEAKER_04 12:16

True.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

It's not the only place, but it feels like in our culture that it's the only place. Like obviously they need to go, they need to reach out, they need to find community, need to find some professional help, whatever it may be. But but yet most of the time people are like, Well, I can't do anything. The only thing I can do is just, you know, grow myself and tell the world what I'm feeling. And it's like, it's not the place to process that trauma. And so it in in this situation, it feels like this person is emotionally protecting herself, which totally makes sense, right? Because she clearly feels that she wasn't protected emotionally by her husband, obviously. And when emotional safety decreases at home, or in her case, when it was taken advantage of, people often build these new identity walls around themselves publicly to keep from getting hurt again. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt like that again. And so, in order to make sure I never feel that way again, I'm gonna build these new walls around me when it comes to my identity publicly. That may or may not be true, but it's it's it's like I'm gonna protect from ever getting to that place again. And so they're likely coming out of a situation they couldn't control. And and building those walls, those new strong walls publicly um around their identity is one way of feeling hey, this is the one thing I can control.

SPEAKER_04 13:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

I couldn't control the fact that he left me, that he cheated on me, that he drug me through the mud or whatever it was. But I can control what I do now.

SPEAKER_04 13:59

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

And and so in one way it seems um freeing because she's taking back her her identity, right? In another way, it's dangerous because what she's taking back is not actually who she is, right? And it's hurting anybody else from seeing who she actually is. So totally all right, red flag number three. We call this vague emotional processing. By the way, all these are similar. Yeah, sometimes you see these all in one post, but here's what we mean uh by vague emotional processing. This is when someone starts posting, well, just vague emotional posts, honestly, or quotes. Yeah, maybe they just uh they post repeated posts about betrayal or healing in silence or trust being broken, or here are some popular phrases that that show up in this one healing quietly, dot dot dot, whatever it may be, or protecting my peace. Um or how about this one? This was this is maybe not so vague, but when someone reveals who they really are the first time, believe them. You know, here here's a here's a less subtle one. Trust takes years to build and only seconds to destroy.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Which these things are true.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Like Yeah, that is absolutely true. But again, social media is not the place to process your trauma. No one is discounting the trauma that you have gone through. You need a friend, you need a a therapist, you need a pastor, you need a yeah, uh, some some and I think we're we've all been guilty.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

I know I have a posting of some of these things. Like when you're hurting, it's kind of hard.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

I have processed trauma on social media.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

Yeah, I have too.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

And I think almost every time that I can remember, I've regretted it. Because people just they don't, you know, I mean one thing, they hear another, right, and then it just turns into pots.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

Now, if you want to post about like what you've learned, what you're growing spiritually, what God's teaching you through a hard difficult time, I think that's a little different. But those don't here's what I'm learning, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Those don't get as much likes.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

No, they really don't. People do not want to hear that. They want the juice stuff.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Oh, great. Shelly's growing in her faith again.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Dang. Yeah, so um and healthy people, like you said, process pain with others. Healthy couples, I would say process pain together, but disconnected couples process pain online, venting, things like that. Yeah. Um and look, it doesn't mean that you can't share, like you said, things vulnerably publicly. Of course you can. But if your primary processing space is social media instead of your spouse, a therapist, like you said, a pastor, a friend, something is off.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

That's the only place you're we are pro vulnerability.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

There's there are appropriate times and places and seasons to air that vulnerability online.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Yeah, true. And here's one that might surprise people red flag number four is overcompensating. Um, we see this as people don't do that.

unknown 17:29

I know.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

The overboard sappy, everything's perfect, rose colored glasses type of post. Here's one for you, an example. My husband is literally the greatest man alive. I don't, I don't deserve him. Every day feels like a fairy tale. You love you, babe. Cry emoji, heart.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Was this one of your posts?

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Uh no. Unless you stole my Facebook password.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

And I'm getting heart emoji, heart emoji, heart emoji, kiss emoji.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Or this one, marriage with you just keeps getting better every single day. Perfect man, perfect life. Ain't nobody got a perfect life.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Or perfect man.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Any anybody who's been married for more than like two years, it's like, yeah. By the way, that that there's a term for that.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

It's called idealistic distortion. So the the ideal becomes distorted, and the the the common phrase for that is rose-colored glasses. Yes. You start to see everything through a particular lens, right? That is distorted. Everything seems awesome, everything feels awesome. He feels, you know, he he's he seems like the perfect man. Yeah, he's not. He he's absolutely not.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

He he's probably great, but he's not perfect.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Nobody is.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

And and we're gonna be in love forever because we love each other so much right now on a Tuesday. Well, you're gonna get in a fight on Friday and you're gonna be questioning, did I marry the right one? And all those things, you know. So yeah, that's there's a term for that.

SPEAKER_00 19:07

And sometimes uh the couples posting the most romantic content can be the most insecure privately.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Sometimes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Not always, but sometimes they can be. Um, and there is actual research on this that when you feel insecure in a relationship, sometimes you that signals uh strength publicly. So it's if you're trying to convince others, basically you're posting, try to convince others and everyone else that everything is great. Kind of what you were saying, like like almost like if I can convince everyone else that we're good, then maybe I'll convince myself that we're good.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Yeah, you're you're you're literally signaling strength. I'm I'm good. It's all great.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

It's great.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

It's great.

unknown 19:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Maybe I'll start believing that it actually is if I keep telling myself.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

Well, and people are posting and then they're throwing, you know, this what they would call like positive energy toward this relationship, and they're like, Yeah, see, everyone does think we're we're great. Like their comments say it. So just to be clear, we're not saying every happy post is fake. That would be sad and honestly very cynical. Um, however, we are saying that sometimes it can be just that you're compensating. It's a form of seeking public approval for your marriage when you may not be getting that privately from your marriage and from your spouse. And if you need constant public affirmation of your marriage and even of yourself, you might not be getting it privately. Like if you're constantly posting about your marriage, beautiful, perfect, all these things, and yourself, like images, selfies.

unknown 20:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

And that yeah, we'll get to that one.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

That that yeah, that can be a red flag.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

So yeah, there's a lot going on there. They they've obviously convinced themselves that the perfect marriage is the goal, right? And so they want to present themselves as having the perfect marriage, but nobody has a perfect that that's the problem. The problem is that most sane, level-headed thinking people realize their marriage is not perfect. And when they see somebody trying to convince the world that it is, they're like, That don't smell right. That don't smell right. That smells like something my dog did.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Oh my gosh. Yes, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Um, I don't know where that voice came from, by the way. I kind of like it though. It might come back. So, number five, red flag number five, kind of to your point. Yes. Attention seeking.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Yeah. So it could be a marriage, could be selfie, whatever. All of a sudden there's a lot of selfies, like you said. Um, and not just not just selfies, like those edited ones.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

I don't know if it's Snapchat or or what it is.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

I don't know where people get these filters.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

That it the the the it so smooths out your face. What do they get these ones? It looks like an old bad glamour shot, and you look 15 and everyone knows you're 60.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

Yeah. Like where's your wrinkles go?

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Yeah. Like you look like you're in a dream right now. You don't look like you're in real life.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

And AI problems.

SPEAKER_01 22:07

Anyway, uh, you might see a post that's like new hair, new season, new energy, or trying something new. What do you think? And again, again, there's a whole could be could be harmless.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

There's probably is harmless, right? Yeah. Um, or it could be someone desperately fishing for validation.

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

Oh, you look amazing, you know, and and which there's nothing wrong with compliments.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

There's no, yeah, like you said, there's nothing wrong with posting these are patterns. But it's patterns.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Yeah, if you've posted 17 selfies in seven days, right? Something might be off.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

And you've never done that before. Like that's weird. Or maybe that's what you always do.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

Yeah, even if you have.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

That's true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Like, I don't know that oh well, whatever. I don't want to say what's normal online behavior. I don't know there is such a thing. But anyway, some sometimes there's a little more when people post a lot of stuff like that. There there tends to be, there can be more flirting going on in the comments, which kind of goes back to what you were saying. And so maybe you post uh that picture and uh you have a male friend who who comments on Becky's selfie, we'll say, We'll throw Becky under the bus here. And uh the you know, the the male friend may say, Dang Becky, you look hot, you know, like Bill is one lucky guy, kind of thing. And it's you know, it I don't know, stuff like that kind of kind of weirds me out sometimes because if Becky has been starving for compliments from Bill, right, then that one is doing something in her that is fueling something that that I think she probably needs deep down. She's not getting from Bill. And I don't know who this guy is, we'll call him Tom. And and Tom is like, wow, Tom, you know, wish he sees me. I wish Bill told me stuff like that. Bill hasn't told me I look pretty in in years, you know, stuff like that. And so when emotional needs are not met within the marriage, validation often gets sought elsewhere. Yeah, even online.

SPEAKER_04 24:16

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

So um again, I feel like each one of these needs a disclaimer. Uh anytime you see these happening doesn't necessarily mean that infidelity is happening uh just because someone commented on your photo. Okay. Right. But if it happens often, it could mean, like we said, that you're starving emotionally. You are seeking validation from somewhere about yourself, about your marriage. Here's one about your kids.

unknown 24:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

Right. I'm gonna post all the good stuff about my kids, all their home runs and good grades and all this stuff. Why? Because I've convinced myself I'm a better person if my kids hit home runs.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

I'm less of a person if my kid fails math.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

Well, I think I've just seen it over and over a lot, actually. People who posted pretty normal things and then all of a sudden they're posting like the lovey devy extra, hard emoji, he's perfect, all the pictures of the kids. And I'm like, what is happening? Because I know I know them. And I know behind closed doors they are very much struggling with the kid or with their spouse, or like that family is going through crap. But yet on social media they look like this very polished, very perfect family.

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Yeah, and it's like that's not yeah, emotional starvation is a warning light. And if it's not addressed at home, it will look for satisfaction somewhere else. It will.

SPEAKER_00 25:49

True. So those were fun.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

Yeah. Send your compliments to but here's the bigger truth.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

The strongest predictors of marital health are not social media posts.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Yeah, not not the behaviors on social media, but the strongest predictors are things like emotional safety, is there repair attempts after conflict, responsiveness, emotional maturity? You can post beautiful family photos and still be emotionally disconnected. Yeah I mean, we've watched some of these Netflix documentary, like the perfect all-American family, they end up like killing each other. Dang. Yeah, yeah. It's not good.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

I'm always wondering why you're taking notes during those though. Hold on, rewind that. What did she do again?

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Yeah, why did she do that? Precisely, uh-huh. But it's crazy, like they look like these all American families, and behind closed doors, it is a shit show.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

You don't get yeah, you don't get on Netflix without something going wrong. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Yeah. I wonder what her posts were before. You know what I'm saying? Like all this perfect stuff. Um, red flags, real red flags are not on Instagram. They're patterns, like we said, when there's no repair after conflict, when there's no um vulnerability, when there's no emotional awareness, when you both simply are living logistically instead of relationally, talking about schedules instead of your souls, honestly.

unknown 27:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

What needs to be get you know getting done.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

Yeah. I I think there is a harder question to ask than looking at someone's online accounts and asking, is their marriage falling apart? There's a harder question to ask. And the harder question to ask is is for each of us is this if someone looked at our offline life, what would they see? Like, forget what we post, forget the pictures that we post, the stuff, you know. If someone looked at our offline life, they followed us around for a day, what would they see in in our marriage? Do we repair with each other quickly when things go off the rails? Uh, do we feel safe opening up to each other? Do we continually choose warmth over warfare?

SPEAKER_04 28:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Because if your marriage does not move in the direction of your posts, no matter how perfectly staged they are, your marriage sorry, I said that wrong. Your marriage doesn't move in the direction of your posts. True.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Yes, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Right? It moves in the direction of your emotional maturity.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

So you can post all the great stuff. It's not gonna make your marriage great.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

Yeah. So I actually had another thought. This is not social media though. But so have you seen those pastors who and I've heard this from other students who like constantly saying how great their marriage is and how hot their wife is, and from the stage.

SPEAKER_04 28:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:59

But then you find out ten months later they're getting a divorce. Like to me, that's kind of creepy.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

Yeah. Um why do you think that is?

SPEAKER_00 29:08

Because they're trying to convince themselves, just like social media and everyone in the audience that look away, we're perfect.

unknown 29:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Yeah, it's a sad thought to think that the pulpit has existed for a lot longer than social media.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:21

But the same problems has have always been there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Kind of sad. So we want to give you guys, like we do always, a summit challenge. Here's what it is. So for the next seven days, before you post anything, just ask yourself have we connected today? Have we talked about more than just logistics? Have I heard sorry, have I shared one real feeling? And just work hard to build intimacy offline. Let social media reflect your reality, not replace it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

Um, and just as a recap, social media can reveal patterns of attention. It cannot reveal intimacy. Nope. If you feel distance in your marriage, don't analyze your feed, don't analyze your your posts, right? Rather do this. Address your connection, have a conversation with each other.

SPEAKER_00 30:19

So, yeah, be fully known and completely safe. That's the goal.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

So, yeah. Hey, and if you guys are feeling stuck or if you've noticed some of those deeper red flags in your own relationship, we'd love to help, right? You can visit marriagebased camp.com, take your next step. And we just want to encourage you guys to not necessarily, you know, stay off Facebook or stay off Instagram or stay off any of the things. We just want to encourage you guys to keep keep climbing and to keep climbing together.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

Yeah, see you next time, guys.

SPEAKER_01 30:54

Bye bye.