The Expectation Gap: The Hidden Marriage Killer Nobody Talks About (Ep. 14)

Summary
Robert and Shelly tackle one of the most overlooked threats to a healthy marriage… the expectation gap. They unpack why unmet expectations silently damage relationships over time, where those expectations come from, and practical steps couples can take to close the gap before it grows into resentment.

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Key Topics Covered

• What is the Expectation Gap? The space between what you expected to happen and what actually happened — and why your brain instinctively tries to fill that blank space, sometimes with damaging stories.
• Healthy vs. Unhealthy Ways to Fill the Gap
   
  • Healthy: curiosity, grace 
  • Unhealthy: assumptions, assigned motives, resentment
• Where Expectations Come From
   
  • Family of origin
  • Friends and social media ("keeping up with the Joneses")
  • Movies and pop culture (the "happily ever after" myth)
  • Past relationships
• Common Expectation Gaps in Marriage
   
  • Money (spender vs. saver; spending threshold)
  • Sex, intimacy, and affection
  • Kids — discipline styles, schooling, activities, childcare
  • In-laws and extended family (the "two-day rule")
  • Holidays and celebrations (birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day)
  • Household chores and home organization
  • Vacations and travel (Robert's spreadsheets vs. Shelly's "There's always a Walmart")
  • Work and career
  • Spiritual life and church involvement
• How to Know If Unmet Expectations Are Hurting You
   
  • Your spouse is clueless about why you're upset
  • You're frustrated but can't explain why
• The Slow-Growing Cancer Analogy — Most marriages aren't destroyed by grenades (affairs, addiction), but by unaddressed expectation gaps that quietly build into resentment and contempt.
• Biblical Reference: James 4:1-2 — "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within?"
• The Drift Principle — All you have to do to drift off course is nothing. Staying passive guarantees you'll end up somewhere you didn't intend.

How to Respond Well to Expectation Gaps

1. Be aware — Recognize you have an expectation. Ask yourself: "What did I expect to happen?"
2. Share it — Communicate expectations to your spouse, ideally before the situation arises. An unspoken expectation is like a text you never hit send on.
3. Be willing to compromise — Humility, not just negotiation. Look out for the interests of others (Philippians 2).

Summit Challenge (This Week's Action Step)

Schedule a 30-minute Expectation Check-In with your spouse. Use these conversation starters:

• "Here's one expectation I have that I'm not sure I've clearly communicated to you."
• "What expectation do you have that you think I might be missing?"
• "Here's one area where I could see resentment starting to grow because of expectations I have."

Quotes from the Episode

"Resentment in your marriage is often just disappointment that's been left untreated for too long."

"The problem isn't having expectations — the problem is assuming your spouse shares those expectations."

"An unspoken expectation is as good as a text message that you never hit send on."

"The healthiest couples aren't the ones who never have gaps. They're the ones who deal with it."

"If your marriage is struggling, don't assume it's because of a lack of love — it's probably just a lack of clarity."

"All you have to do in order to drift off course is nothing."

Resources Mentioned

• Marriage Alignment Map (free for podcast supporters) — a guided self-assessment to help couples identify strengths, uncover pressure zones, and create next steps
• Questions? Email: podcast@marriagebasecamp.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Hey guys, welcome back to the Marriage Based Camp podcast. If you're joining us for the first time, welcome. And if you're enjoying the podcast, would you consider supporting us? There are sponsorships available as little as like $3 a month. As a thank you for supporting us, you'll receive free access to our marriage alignment map. This is a great resource, not available to everyone, but supporters of the podcast. This is a brand new guided self-assessment. It helps couples identify strengths, uncover pressure zones, and create clear next steps forward. Instead of guessing where tension may be coming from, you'll actually see it mapped out in front of you with some practical exercises to strengthen your foundation together. So you can just click uh support the podcast in the links below.

SPEAKER_05 1:21

Yeah, and thank you guys for considering doing that and even doing that. Appreciate that. Here's where we're going today. All right. There is a silent killer of marriages that many people aren't even aware of. How's that for a news headline?

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Crazy.

SPEAKER_05 1:40

You do this every day, and it's killing your marriage. Well more news at 10. So, anyway, uh, and here's the deal: it's not your spouse. Most marriage conflict is not caused by evil spouses. Here, here it is. It's caused by unmet expectations. So there's this concept of the expectation gap. And that gap is between what you expected to happen and what actually happened. And that's where disappointment and frustration and resentment often begin to grow.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Right.

SPEAKER_05 2:16

So the question is not whether you'll experience an expectation gap. The question is what will you fill that gap with? So let me give you an example. Pretend you're reading this sentence, okay?

SPEAKER_01 2:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:31

Um, Robert didn't bring Shelly home any flowers because blank. Like that.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

He forgot. He didn't think about me.

SPEAKER_05 2:40

Yeah, well, so you're jumping ahead. Oh, like the blank is missing information, right? It's it's empty space.

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 2:47

Well, here's the deal: our brains hate empty space. Our brains immediately try to fill in the blank. And so, like you said, you could fill it in a lot of ways. Maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot, maybe he was broke, didn't have any money, or maybe he just doesn't care. You see how that's different? So notice the event didn't change. Like flowers were not brought home. What changed was the story that you told yourself as to why flowers were not brought home. That's what happens in marriage every single day. Expectations, they create those blank spaces, and your spouse didn't do what you expected. In other words, so there's missing information, and now your brain tries to fill in that blank space with something. There are healthy ways to fill in that gap.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 3:42

Healthy examples would be to fill it in with curiosity. So that would be you saying, hmm, that's unlike him.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Right.

SPEAKER_05 3:51

I I wonder, you know, how his day was. Um, another healthy way to fill in that gap would be grace. You could say, Yeah, it's okay. I don't need flowers to know that he loves me. But then obviously there are unhealthy ways.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Which is I feel like that's what we tend, we feel like we go the unhealthy.

SPEAKER_05 4:11

It's easier. It's easier. It's honestly it's easier.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:13

And and uh a couple of things would be like filling that gap with assumptions or motive. So this would be you responding to yourself, really. Oh, I I bet he was too busy talking to that young assistant to to even think about buying me flowers, right? Or you could fill that gap with resentment. And you could say, Yeah, of course he didn't bring me flowers again. He doesn't even notice me, he takes me for granted. I do everything around here and he just expects it. Why do I even bother? Oh goodness, right? Like you see how just like horrible that goes really quickly. So here's how to know if you have unmet expectations. If if here's how to know if they're creeping around in your relationship doing damage.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

This is huge to be like a self-aware. Like, listen up. This is Yeah. This is huge.

SPEAKER_05 5:05

We're not even asking you to pay for this information. Yeah, it's just I mean, we did we did just ask you to sponsor us. So maybe we did. But you aren't.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Here's some things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:16

So here's how you know. See if these sound familiar to anybody out there listening. Have you ever been upset with your spouse for something that they didn't do and yet they seemed completely clueless as to why you're upset with them? No, that's never happened.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

That never happens.

SPEAKER_05 5:34

No. What about this one? Have you ever found yourself frustrated at your spouse and you couldn't even really explain why?

SPEAKER_00 5:42

Like I remember doing these things and not knowing anything about expectation gaps. I feel like this would have saved a lot of arguments early on.

SPEAKER_05 5:54

It 100% would have.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Like we were just aware of it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_05 5:59

Well, you mean we weren't aware of it. We weren't aware of it.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

And so I I this whole I don't I don't even can't explain why I'm frustrated.

SPEAKER_05 6:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

But that would have given me language, I feel like.

SPEAKER_05 6:09

Look, we gave you those two examples because we're fairly certain everyone has experienced those things. And so if you have, and we assume you have, the problem may not be your spouse at all. The problem may be you have unmet expectations. Most people they assume that relationships fail because of the big things like affairs, pornography, addiction, abuse. And not to minimize those things, those things absolutely have the potential to destroy a relationship, but they're more damaging like a like a grenade is damaging.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:47

I mean, a grenade is very damaging. Those things are kind of like grenades. And so they there's like a big instant boom. Okay. And they can ruin relationships. But the truth is many, many marriages are destroyed, not by grenades, but by slow-growing cancers. And we have found that one of the biggest slow-growing cancers in a relationship is how you handle those unmet expectations, what you fill that gap with when it comes to something your spouse didn't do that you thought they should do. They should have done.

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Yeah. And in James 4, 1 through 2, it says, What causes fights and quarrels among you, don't they come from your desires that battle within? You want something, but don't get it. That's like a very that's unmet expectations. That's yeah, that's like the definition of unmet expectations. At the heart of many arguments is the simple truth. I wanted something to happen and it didn't happen. Period. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:49

Yeah. Here's a here's a trail story from our own relationship. Um, anytime Shelly and I travel, we run in the fact that we have different expectations.

unknown 8:02

Right.

SPEAKER_05 8:02

So I am a planner. All the planners unite. Right. I often create spreadsheets for the vacation. I want to know where we're gonna stay, what we're doing, what restaurants are nearby, where the gas stations are, is there live music or karaoke nearby, and what time everything opens, right? Like I just want to know because I don't want to. Here's the why.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

You ever miss out?

SPEAKER_05 8:26

I don't want to, I don't, I I look at a little FOMO. Yeah, I think, fear of missing out. And so I would hate to get back from vacation and find out that there was some cool thing that was half a mile that we didn't even know about that we could have seen, we'll never get a chance to see it again. I got a problem.

SPEAKER_00 8:41

Okay, that's a little. I mean, I mean, I'm organized, but I'm not like Shelly.

SPEAKER_05 8:45

On the other hand, she has a favorite phrase, and that favorite phrase is there's always a Walmart.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Like, because it's just like chill out, you know.

SPEAKER_05 8:58

Your your point is simple. Your point is relax. If we forgot something, we'll just buy it, right? But that's how your brain works. Yeah, my brain does not work that way. When you say there's always a Walmart, I feel like I can confident confidently respond with, yeah, there is. And it's 4.2 miles down that road right there, right next to the KFC or whatever, right? Like I know where it's at. Neither of us are wrong. We're just different, and we have different expectations. But the problem occurs when I start assuming that Shelly should think exactly like I do.

SPEAKER_01 9:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:40

And then when you don't, there's that difference there.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Right.

SPEAKER_05 9:44

There's a gap. That gap shows up, right? And that gap can quickly become frustration. And the issue has nothing to do with Walmart.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

Right.

SPEAKER_05 9:53

Right. The issue is the differing expectations. And here's what we've learned just personally about vacations. If you don't talk about expectations before the trip, you're you're definitely going to end up arguing about them on the trip.

SPEAKER_00 10:09

Yeah, because you both just have different ideas about what's going to happen.

SPEAKER_05 10:13

And if you don't speak them, then hopefully you guys are picking up what we're laying down here. This is not just about vacations.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Right.

SPEAKER_05 10:20

That is one example of every single area of your life that you encounter as a married couple. You have these expectation differences in every single area.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

Yeah, because everyone has expectations about most things. Yeah. In fact, every person walks into a marriage carrying a bucket load.

SPEAKER_05 10:43

You had yours, I had mine.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

Yeah. You had expectations when you hit play on this podcast. What are we going to say today? How much time? Like you have expectations. Uh the problem is not having expectation. The problem is assuming your spouse shares those expectations. That's huge. That's that part. Yeah. As you know, unmet expectations create disappointment, which then leads to frustration. Which then typically you get angry or sadness, disillusionment, and then eventually you just have full-blown resentment. Because remember honestly, resentment in your marriage is often just a disappointment that's been left untreated for too long.

SPEAKER_05 11:23

Yeah. Resentment is that why do I even bother?

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Right. Yeah. Like if you're asking those questions, man. This is this is your call to be like, hey, start asking some questions.

SPEAKER_05 11:36

So the question uh comes like, where do these expectations come from? Because here's the deal: most of the expectations that you have in your marriage weren't things that you consciously chose.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Right.

SPEAKER_05 11:50

They're actually things that were kind of passed on to you, handed to you, things that you absorbed from the culture and your the life and the circles of people that you were around. So a few big areas that that expectations come from, obviously your family of origin.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:08

So just each of you think about your own parents. Like, number one, were they around?

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Right.

SPEAKER_05 12:14

Right. And then if they were, how did they handle money? Or how did they celebrate Christmas? And how did they discipline kids? And most of us just assume that our normal is everyone's normal.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

That's that's huge.

SPEAKER_05 12:28

How you grew up. Yeah. Yeah. But here's the deal your normal might not even be normal.

unknown 12:33

Dang.

SPEAKER_05 12:34

Much less everyone else's normal. Right? Yeah. And so it's just familiar to you. And so you think, oh, it's that's that's normal. Everybody does that, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Right.

SPEAKER_05 12:44

Uh, another place that that these expectations come from is friends and media. So if you've ever heard the term keeping up with the Joneses, right? Like you got to do what everybody else is doing, seeing what everybody else does, and then you assume that that's what your marriage should look like.

SPEAKER_01 12:59

Right.

SPEAKER_05 13:00

At the, you know, should look like theirs. Social media is just horrible about feeding into this. That's a hot mess. You start comparing your everyday reality to someone else's highlight reel. You look at somebody's Facebook post, you're like, oh my goodness, they're on their third trip to Cancun this year.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

Right.

SPEAKER_05 13:19

Should we be going to Cancun three times a year? Why aren't we going to Cancun? I think I know why. He doesn't want to go with me. I mean, I'm I'm I'm exaggerating this to make a point, right? Right. Even growing up, I was thinking about this the other day. Every animated Disney movie or cartoon that came on, every even romantic rom-com or anything like that, they all ended the same. They ended with this big marriage scene. They they they get married, right? They're running through the airport, he proposes, next thing you know, it's the wedding, and that's how the movie ends. Right. And so none of them showed anything after that.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:01

And so they lived happily ever after. Okay. So this had this whole our generation, this whole generation growing up desperately wanting to have that marriage experience because that's what all the movies had, but none of us knew anything about what to do after that.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Right.

SPEAKER_05 14:18

And so we had these expectations.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:22

And another uh another place that expectations come from that a lot of people don't stop to realize is even your past relationships. So whether you know, previous dating relationship or even a previous marriage, we often start to expect that our current spouse or partner is going to respond and should respond the way our former partner. Or not respond. Yeah. Either yeah, they should respond that way or they shouldn't respond that way. And so we just these things live in there. They live in our heads and they're floating around. Right. And they're doing significant damage if you're not addressing them.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Yeah, because it adds up pretty quick. And we have found there are several common expectation gaps in relationships. One is money. One of you is probably a spender, the other might be a saver. You ever had the conversation about how much money is too much to spend without consulting the other?

SPEAKER_05 15:23

This is so much fun to do with couples. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Because one might be like 50 bucks. The other was like 500. And oh my gosh, that's a huge argument. You know, that but it's just a number.

SPEAKER_05 15:34

Yeah. It's just you you got one you got one uh spouse who is afraid to buy a new purse.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Right.

SPEAKER_05 15:41

And then the other spouse just came home with a PlayStation and didn't didn't even ask you.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

Right.

SPEAKER_05 15:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Yeah. And it's not about the dollar, it's just about the expectation and the and the unity in it. Um, the other one is sex and intimacy and affection. Um is just a very common one. How often? We've talked about this before. Um, are we gonna have sexual intimacy? What you know, what's acceptable in the bedroom? Um I think we've talked a lot about that.

SPEAKER_05 16:08

Yeah, we have. You can go check out some of those other episodes on uh sexual intimacy. Yeah. Here's a challenge for couples. Uh, I think it's important that you learn to be intimate without sex.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 16:22

I don't think I feel like somebody's listening to this and they're just like what did he just say? Uh yeah. Learn to be intimate without sex. And and here's the deal: you might be thinking, but isn't sex intimate? Yeah, absolutely it is. Sex usually equals intimacy, but intimacy doesn't always equal sex. Doesn't have to.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

No, and I don't I think that's a concept that definitely our world does not understand.

SPEAKER_05 16:51

I mean, I I'll be honest, I didn't even understand it for the longest time. Because I I equated the two.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 16:59

Like like you can't how in the world can you be intimate without well, like you're saying, shows and movies, and that's not what they portray.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Right. So yeah, healthy marriages create emotional closeness, even when sexual closeness maybe isn't even happening for whatever reason. Health or surgeries or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 17:20

So com so common expectation gap so far. You said money, yep, sex, intimacy, what are what are some more?

SPEAKER_00 17:27

Kids.

SPEAKER_05 17:28

Kids.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Another common one, yeah. Discipline styles.

SPEAKER_05 17:32

Stinking kids.

SPEAKER_00 17:33

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 17:35

We love kids. We had a lot of them.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

But your discipline styles, like we have very I mean, can I go back to your family of origin, what you grew up with? Activities and sports. Are we gonna be like the one sport family or the travel, you know, club sports all year long?

SPEAKER_05 17:51

All the sports.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

All the sports. Schooling decisions, public, homeschool, co-ops, yeah, child care decisions. Are you gonna stay home? Are we gonna send the kids to daycare? Like many couples don't discover they're on different pages until they're already exhausted as parents.

SPEAKER_05 18:10

Oh, that's a good, that's good. That a preach.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Yeah, I mean, I just don't think you realize what you haven't discovered or talked about until you're just exhausted. And you're like, oh, wait a minute, we're totally on different pages. So what about in-laws? Extended family.

SPEAKER_05 18:30

Yes, please. Let's talk about this.

SPEAKER_00 18:34

Have you ever thought over how much time you're gonna spend with your family?

SPEAKER_05 18:38

Two days. Yeah, you have a two-day rule because but Yeah, f family, family and friends. No, no, no, family and fish.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

Yeah, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_05 18:48

Yeah, they both start to stink after two days.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

But what does that say about us? Does our kids not want to be with us after we don't stink? It's just hard. Is isn't there some sort of I don't know, that's a good question. Um, study or something where if you're Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 19:05

I know where you're going.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

If you're with your parents for more than like four days or three, what is it?

SPEAKER_05 19:12

It it it shows up early on. Oh, well, let me say this. It shows up more in younger married couples.

SPEAKER_00 19:20

So yes, so when we were like young.

SPEAKER_05 19:22

Yes. So couples who are recently out of the home, when they go back home, after a certain period of time, psychologically, they start to revert back to how they acted while they were at home.

unknown 19:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 19:37

And so now, even though let's say they're both 25 and they're married, they have their own house, if they go stay a week with one of the sets of parents, after that week, they're actually acting more like they acted when they lived there as teenagers. Which is crazy than when they do right now as a their own family unit. It's just because it's familiar, right? You fall into those patterns. And yeah, and not only are they acting that way, parents are perfect. The parents are treating them that way. Oh, so two days, y'all. Two days and get out.

SPEAKER_00 20:11

Dang.

SPEAKER_05 20:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Um, the expectation often sounds like one spouse saying, Of course we're gonna spend you know Christmas with my parents. And the other might be like, Why would we do that?

SPEAKER_05 20:23

No, we ain't. Speaking of family, um, another another common expectation gap is holidays and celebrations. These are one is I think this is one nobody ever thinks about. Like in in your family, are were birthdays a big deal or were they not? Because like some of y'all celebrated, some of y'all might have said, Hey, uh good job being born, you know. And then the the other family might have celebrated the whole week. Right. This is your birthday week.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_05 20:55

And then something every single day. It's crazy. What about anniversaries? Are are we doing something big? Are we going somewhere every year? It's our you know, that kind of deal. Or Valentine's Day, right? Yeah, like uh one spouse might expect a weekend getaway because it's Valentine's Day. And the other one's like, I was gonna text you with a heart emotion, call it good. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 21:20

That's crazy. So that's not good.

SPEAKER_05 21:23

Uh the list of expectations goes on and on.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

It does.

SPEAKER_05 21:28

And on. Like I said, every area, household, household, household chores, you know, housework, um, organization of the home, vacations, communication, conflict, spiritual life. Like how involved are we gonna be in the church? Are we gonna pray together? All those things.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:48

Work and career, like you said, are both spouses gonna work full time? One of them not gonna work, stay home. Yeah. How much overtime is too much overtime?

SPEAKER_00 21:56

What's crazy is because most people don't talk about these things before marriage.

SPEAKER_05 22:01

Well, true.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

I think if they have good premarital, they will.

SPEAKER_05 22:05

Well, I mean, that's a lot, right? You can't answer all these questions in a a short amount of time. The problem is they don't ever talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like you haven't talked about them before, you're not going to talk about it.

SPEAKER_05 22:18

Yeah, until they're full on in.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Right.

SPEAKER_05 22:21

And then they, like you said, they wake up and they don't even realize they're on different pages. They're mad at each other. They don't know why. The other one doesn't know why. They just know they're doing something wrong.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Right.

SPEAKER_05 22:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:32

Fast forward, wife says, I'm out, and husband's like, What? What's wrong? I didn't know and I thought everything was great. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Which we've actually heard before. So.

SPEAKER_05 22:45

Yeah, more often than you would think. Conversations about these um have to become crucial.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:53

Because those circumstances will change.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

Correct.

SPEAKER_05 22:56

Right. So that if we're talking about kids, those expectations are going to change depending on the the age grouping of those kids. Right. So it starts off talking about are we going to be gentle parents? Right. But then it turns into, are we going to allow our 17-year-old to stay out until 11? Or they have to be home at nine. Whatever. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 23:19

Stuff like that. Yeah. Common things. Um, okay, so those are the common just things we've found or expectation gaps. When those gaps happen, you have choices. You have a choice. You can respond well or you can respond poorly.

SPEAKER_05 23:35

Um choice is your choose wisely.

SPEAKER_00 23:39

Yeah, and here's where I feel like our life wisdom can help a little. Um, if you're wanting to respond poorly, here's all you have to do. Stay unaware of the gaps. Just stay clueless about it all. Never get curious. You can just get frustrated. I feel like I'm selling something.

SPEAKER_05 23:59

You too can hate your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

That's terrible.

SPEAKER_05 24:03

But wait, there's more. Have resentment.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Yeah. Um just be clueless. You're not aware, you're not why, you're not asking questions. Um, what expectation isn't being met? Be unreasonable about what you expect. Sometimes the expectations we have are simply just unrealistic. And here's a clue. If you are unwilling to make an allowance for your spouse and then expect them hang on, let me make let me resay that. If you're unwilling to make allowances for your spouse that you expect them to make for you, that's a problem. Meaning if you're unwilling to allow them to do this and you're expecting this, but you're not reciprocating that, yeah, that's very dangerous.

SPEAKER_05 24:50

Yeah. That's called a lot of things. It's called double standards. It's called a double standard. Yeah. It's called BS.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 24:58

It's called a lot of things.

SPEAKER_00 24:59

That's true.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Um here's another one. Keep your un your expectations unspoken. That's a common myth that we've hear a lot. I would say more with girls, maybe. Um well, I shouldn't have to tell him, I shouldn't have to say anything.

SPEAKER_05 25:12

I mean, I think it goes both ways, but the old I shouldn't have to tell him myth.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Yeah. But it's a called a myth.

SPEAKER_05 25:19

Yeah, which by the way is an expectation in and of itself.

SPEAKER_00 25:22

This is true. I shouldn't have to tell him anything wrong. Well, you absolutely should talk to him and talk about expectations and you know, because cleaning the kitchen while slamming the cabinets isn't communication.

SPEAKER_05 25:35

Are you uh are you confessing right now? Or is that just a story? No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Like, you know, slamming the pots and pans. That's that's not communicating anything.

SPEAKER_05 25:45

Well, no, it is. It's just not communication. What do you want you want what you want to communicate? That's true.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

Um you giving them the silent treatment, that's not communication.

unknown 25:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Um, here's one I think the guys probably do disappearing into the garage or the basement for hours. That's not communication.

SPEAKER_05 26:04

People do that.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Yeah, that's what I hear anyway. Yeah. And if you want your unmet expectations to slowly destroy your marriage, stay unaware, be unreasonable, and never share what you expect. Like I'm being sarcastic, but like literally, like if you think about that, just don't get curious.

SPEAKER_05 26:25

Don't do anything. Don't do anything, don't and you will destroy. Yeah, don't do anything and you will drift. You will yeah, absolutely. The only thing you have to do to drift is nothing.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

This is true.

SPEAKER_05 26:36

Yeah. Uh just real quick, I gotta say this. I've been following this girl on uh Instagram who's becoming the first American female to solo roll row from the US to Hawaii. I there's been, I think other people there's been people do it.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Is she like it's a small yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

It's a little small boat. Yeah, apparently she's the first female American to do. I don't know. Um anyway, I've noticed like she's got this boat, she's got a lot of equipment on this boat, and literally, like sometimes she shows you like what everything does. Literally, her full-time job is avoiding drift. Everything on that boat, every piece of equipment, everything that she does, that's crazy. It's all to get her to where she needs to go, but it it's calculating drift the whole time.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

I feel that's a sermon coming on.

SPEAKER_05 27:25

I'm telling you, because if you don't calculate it in, it it will happen. You will drift. All you have to do in order to drift off course is nothing.

SPEAKER_00 27:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

Ask a pilot. Go ask a pilot about drift, go ask someone who sails boats about drift.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

Well, because you just think, well, I'll just lay here, I'll just relax and not do anything.

SPEAKER_05 27:47

Y'all been to the beach? Yeah, you go in the water and you look up 10 minutes later, and your umbrella is like way over there now.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Yeah. Drift, current, crazy.

SPEAKER_05 27:59

Yeah, a dead fish can swim downstream just because of the current, but it takes a live one to swim the other way. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 28:06

Come on.

SPEAKER_05 28:07

We're getting church up in here.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

Dang.

SPEAKER_05 28:10

Um, so that's all the things you want to do if you don't want to work on expectations. There is a better way. There is would you like to know what the better way is?

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Please tell me.

SPEAKER_05 28:21

Here is the better way. But first, a word from our sponsor. No, I'm just kidding. We don't have a sponsor.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

No.

SPEAKER_05 28:29

Um, here's how to respond well to the expectation gaps in your relationship. And these kind of go the exact opposite of what you said. Number one, be aware of your expectations. First and foremost, yeah. You have to be aware of them. You have to understand themselves. You're like, what expectations do I have in this particular instance?

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Right.

SPEAKER_05 28:49

We often don't even realize that we have an expectation, and that's why we get frustrated and we don't even know why we're frustrated. Right. So after something has happened, ask yourself, what did I expect to happen?

SPEAKER_00 29:03

That didn't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:04

So number one, be aware. Number two, share those expectations with your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Ahead of time is better.

SPEAKER_05 29:12

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Like, yeah. Like if you're in the moment, you're like, hey, I had this expectation to do this, or this is coming up. Like, man.

SPEAKER_05 29:20

Yeah. Afterwards is fine as long as you can have the conversation with Grace beforehand is is great. Once you've identified your expectations, you have to share it. Okay. So let me just give another trail story. I remember one particular night, uh, I was wanting to spend an evening. Evening we'll say cuddling.

SPEAKER_00 29:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 29:45

Okay. Have relations, if you will. Okay. Um, we can say whatever we want to say. This podcast is whatever. I was wanting to make out. I was wanting to have sex. Okay. Uh, you had a meeting or a dinner, or I forget what you it was something you were meeting with somebody.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 30:05

And I just had this expectation that we would spend that quality time when you got home. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 30:11

And so I've been thinking about it all day, but I never said anything to you.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

That's really dangerous.

SPEAKER_05 30:18

And so, well, yeah, I know that now. Thanks. Um, so the the the meeting, whatever it was, it ran late. Shelly gets home, she's exhausted, she's totally not interested in doing anything that I was interested in doing. And I had also assumed that she also had been thinking about this all day. And she just decided to ignore me when she got home. I I felt rejected, right? She didn't, she didn't value quality time with me. Truth was, it wasn't even on her radar. I had no idea. We ended up getting into this huge argument. Um, an unspoken expectation is as good as a text message that you never hit send on.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Yeah. I like I this has happened a couple times, but I remember this this uh scenario, and I remember us arguing, but it was more about you were feeling rejected. We were arguing about the wrong thing.

SPEAKER_05 31:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Until I think eventually we got around to I just had an expectation that didn't get met. Like it we eventually got there, but it took a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 31:28

Yeah. So and then so uh what did we say so far? Be aware.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:33

Number two, share your expectations. Number three, be willing to compromise.

SPEAKER_01 31:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:38

Now, when I say compromise, I don't mean compromise your integrity or your faith, right? I mean com be willing to humble yourself.

SPEAKER_01 31:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:46

And so in that same scenario, like if if I could do it over again, okay, like me compromising would have looked something like this. Hey, she's had a long day. Maybe tonight isn't the best night for cuddle time. Right. You compromising, although the the you're compromising is different because you didn't even know it was a thing, right? Right. So I'm asking you to compromise on something you didn't even know is a thing. It gets a little confusing, but just for the sake of argument, you compromising might have looked like this. Hey, assuming that you were aware of the expectation.

SPEAKER_01 32:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 32:20

Let's make that assumption. Okay. Hey, I know you were wanting to spend some time together tonight. I am exhausted. I just want to fall in bed. But how about tomorrow morning we carve out some time just for the two of us, right? Right. That's what compromise looks like.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:34

And isn't that what Philippians 2 reminds us? When it says we should look out not only for our own interest but the interest of others. Now, in full disclosure, I did not find a compromise in that scenario. I pouted. I made Shelly feel like she had done something wrong when she had done absolutely nothing wrong. And um all because I didn't get what I wanted, and that was not me loving you like Christ loved the church. That was me being selfish in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

I'm glad you see that.

SPEAKER_05 33:16

It's taking me a lot of time. But here's the deal: all of that, it I mean, I'm I'm confident 99% of that could have been avoided.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:26

Had we just had a small conversation before you left.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 33:31

We could have we would have been on the same page. Right. But because we didn't have the conversation, yeah, I had expectations, you had different expectations.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Well, I I mean it has gone both ways. I've had expectations of you doing something before I get home, like dishes.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

And I come home and you're in the shower and I get really pissed off because I'm like, Are you kidding me? I asked you to do one thing.

unknown 33:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

But for your defense, No, no, no.

SPEAKER_05 33:58

You didn't even ask me. You expected me to do it.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

I don't remember. But I remember getting really mad. And you're like, I was trying to get in the shower and get out. So you when you got home, you could get in the shower.

SPEAKER_05 34:09

You just jump in the shower.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

But it I got home earlier than I should have. Anyway.

SPEAKER_05 34:14

It was a hot mess.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

We have had lots of hot messes.

SPEAKER_05 34:17

Yeah, we're we're not perfect and we've made all these mistakes. That's why we're wanting to help you guys along the trail.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Right.

SPEAKER_05 34:23

Um, because marriage works best when both spouses are asking the question, how can I help my spouse get what matters to them?

SPEAKER_01 34:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

If neither of you is asking that question, it won't work. Right. If only one of you is asking that question, it's still not going to work either. Because the other one's going to take advantage of that. You both have to be asking that question.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

Yeah. Um I feel like we ever, you know, try to give a summit challenge. So this week, maybe just schedule like a 30-minute expectation check-in. And here are some great questions to ask. Um is here's one expectation I have that I'm not sure I have clearly communicated to you. So just stating, hey, here's something I've had expectation of, but I don't think I've actually told you about it.

SPEAKER_05 35:13

Yeah, that's a good that's something great to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 35:15

It is. What expectation do you have that you think I might be missing?

SPEAKER_05 35:21

That's a great question.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

That is a good question. Here's one area I feel resentment could start growing because of expectations I have.

SPEAKER_05 35:33

Man, you talk about getting honest with your spouse, uh, answering that question.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:39

Looking looking ahead and saying, hey, in this particular area, because like we said, these expectations exist in a lot of areas. Some of them might not be that big of a deal for you, though. Like like the you may got you guys may be on the same page when it comes to kids, when it comes to finances, when it comes to sexual intimacy.

unknown 35:58

Right.

SPEAKER_05 35:58

But when it comes to your in-laws, that's an area. That's a hot point, right? And so that's when you need to say, you know what? In this area around this topic, I could see how I could become resentful. Right. If things keep happening. Right. You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:17

Which we have had to do.

SPEAKER_05 36:19

Yeah. What are those areas in your in your relationship?

SPEAKER_00 36:24

And I feel like when we've had to do that with each other, it I don't know, it just helps grow.

SPEAKER_05 36:31

Well, I mean, just for example, um my schooling.

SPEAKER_01 36:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:37

That's been one that you've had to confront me about because I, you know, I've been in school a lot. And I get I get sort of blind and focusing on papers and studying and all that, and it becomes really easy easy for me to not focus on you.

SPEAKER_01 36:54

Right.

SPEAKER_05 36:54

And there have been some times when you've had to just say, Hey, can we talk? And uh it's never it's never like it's never fun to hear that I've been neglecting you. But it's But it's necessary.

SPEAKER_00 37:09

And you were both responding, at least I'm trying to come to you in humility, and you're responding in humility. Right. Not arrogant and right. Hey, you jerk, you haven't that like that's not how that should go.

SPEAKER_05 37:22

And there's been areas that I've had to come to you right in humility and say, hey, are you aware of this? Right. Yeah. Man. Just the freedom and the grace in a relationship to be able to do that. Yeah, if you have never experienced that, man, I would encourage you to wade off into that unknown territory. And I think you'll be surprised by what you find. I think you'll find hopefully grace. Hopefully grace. Um, and long, you know, as long as you approach it that way, there's a good chance you'll find that in return. And so uh the idea here is to ask how can we approach whatever it is as as teammates instead of opponents?

SPEAKER_01 38:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:09

Because you guys do know you're on the same team, right? Like you're wearing the same jersey. Yes, you guys chose each other, you share a last name now.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:21

So you guys are on the same team. So if your marriage is struggling, please don't assume it's because a lack of love.

SPEAKER_00 38:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:31

It's probably just because of lack of clarity.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:35

And you're not talking about things that that would really help. And so those expectation gaps are always going to exist. And just because they're there doesn't mean that your marriage is doomed. Right? Rather, when you repeatedly refuse to do anything about it, that's when it really starts to hurt your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 38:54

Because I think you were saying this earlier, but it builds resentment.

SPEAKER_05 38:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

And then that just goes downhill quick.

SPEAKER_05 39:02

If you, if you leave that alone long enough, and I think we're going to do a a pod uh an episode on this in the future. Um, John Gottman would say that that turns into contempt.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 39:15

And as soon as contempt shows up, that's not good. It's not good. It's one they call it one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. In other words, if you if these four things are in your uh relationship, it's a really, really, really bad thing. And so I think we'll talk about that at some point. Yeah. The healthiest couples aren't the ones who never have gaps, right? They're the ones who know that they're there. They're the ones who deal with it. Healthy couples fill those gaps with things like communication and grace and curiosity instead of assumptions, disappointment, motive, resentment.

SPEAKER_00 39:55

Yeah. I like it. Hopefully, this helped you guys. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Hey man, if this helped you, and send it to your spouse, send it to your friends. We would love to be able to help anyone that we can. This is why we do this. Don't forget, we would love to have any questions that you guys have. Um, you can send those questions to podcast at marriagebasecamp.com. And see you next time. Bye guys, bye guys.