My Jew Heart Part 2

My Jew Heart Part 2

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This is tape two of what I've entitled My Jew Heart. The second question is why do I believe my life is a metaphor for our relationship with God? Probably the first and main reason is for ten years, since the death of my life and coming to realize certain things about my marriage of 40 years, that I can't get it off my mind that this is just what I believe, it's what I feel. It's almost like a conviction. I've reflected on this almost every day of my life now for ten years. I can't, um I can't, I just can't shake it. I know I strove so hard with zealous sincerity to win God's approval through what I did. If my pastor suggested reading the Bible through yearly, I read it through three times a year. If he said a spiritual person prays 15 minutes a day, and he did make these comments, he how many minutes you prayed that would determine how spiritual you are, I prayed for an hour and a half. If my pastor said we should give 10%, I gave 25%. Excuse me. What I got for my striving was I got worn out. Every time I thought I had put my hands on the top rung of the ladder, a new one was added until I just gave out. I know many Jews strive much harder than I've ever striven. I admire your stictuativeness. Now I assume that because of the story of Abraham sending his servant to find a bride for Isaac, that you believe in God's movement and direction in matters of life and, you know, especially in matters of marriage. I believe with all my heart I was directed to my wife of 40 years. I did not find out that I was unattractive to her until after she died, and my children began telling me stories. Then all the things that didn't make sense to me and hurt me all those years all made sense. I began to realize I was unloved by my wife through no fault of my own. Now my wife was an absolutely wonderful woman and a marvelous mother. But she settled for me for reasons only the grave knows. It breaks my heart that she never got to feel the excitement and the joy between a loving couple. But I am glad and so thankful that my eyes were blinded to the truth of my marriage. I believe this is providential. God wanted me to marry a woman who, I don't know how to express it, who was not into me. Because way back then he knew my life was metaphor, in my opinion. But at the right time, thankfully, God sent a woman into my life who loved me and taught me what love was all about. For ten years now, I've been with this woman. Her name is Deborah. As far as I understand, the word Deborah means judge in Hebrew. She judged between a what I would call a servile love and a giving of love from the heart. And incidentally, this love came quickly. Too quickly for some people. Many people were offended at my relationship. My wife had been dead only three months when I was directed to Deborah. Deborah had spent three years alone mourning her husband. We got on the dating site approximately the same period of time, within just, you know, a month or two of each other. She was 1,607 miles away, and both of us had said we just wanted relationships with somebody within a 50-mile radius. It's breathtaking and almost embarrassing how I went through life not understanding what love was all about and what real couple acted and did. To think that I almost died thinking that disdain was love. I truly, with all my heart, I believe that my wife of 40 years and I developed a very special loving relationship. I zealously served and loved to the best of my ability a woman who just wasn't into me. My five children can attest to my dedication to their mother. In the same way God served me. Even though I didn't love him through no fault of his own. Sure, I like God, maybe the thought of God. Just like I grew to, you know, like him and he was more like a friend. But like is not love. If you love another, you strive to love them the way they want to be loved, not the way you want to show love. If your loved one anticipates X on a given day or in a given situation, you dare not come through the door with Y. It's insulting to love. If a person does this, they're actually revealing their own self-love. God makes it clear to us that He wants us to love Him with all of our heart, our mind, our soul, our strength. He wants all of us, not just our works. If we are honest, and it does take brutal honesty, we get to suck a lot of juice and be filled with that what I'm calling juice, that excitement, that feeling good about ourselves through our good works. I know we are both quite zealous to do good works, but I wonder, I wonder, is our moral decay God's way of telling us, I want your heart more than your works? I hope I've created some basis for commonality and discussion. I know it's unlikely. I know it's unlikely. But I took a trip to Israel with Rabbi David eight or nine years ago, and I believe the seed for this commonality and what I would call a marriage was planted in David and Rena's home when I visited Israel with Rabbi David. I will never forget Rena's father's face. I know he saw and felt my sincerity. I will never forget walking up to that house, and something came over me. They had a flight of stairs, don't remember how many now, you know, six, eight, ten, twelve stairs. I remember my foot touching that first step, and it's like my heart was broken. It's the most unusual experience I've experienced in my life. I didn't go there for an unusual experience. I just went there because I sincerely wanted to see Israel through a rabbi's eyes. I was in no need for some special experience. I wasn't searching for anything other than I was just curious. I sincerely wanted to see Israel through this rabbi's eyes who had the courage to actually get on a plane with me and fly to Israel. And when I walked up those stairs and dined with them, talked with them, I felt like I was surrounded by people who would protect and love myself and my family. I felt we were one. I felt we were one. I had an emotional release which was weird to me and probably weird to them. Through our marriage, if it comes to pass, I want us to experience the special love that comes from God flowing over us, just as that precious ointment, that precious oil of brotherly love flowed down Aaron from his beard down to his vestments. And the last thing, I wonder if we have Ezra's prayer in common. Ezra's prayer was this, O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you, my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has mounted to the heavens.