Ep 027: Jacqueline Diaz-Fontana: Losing Her Son, Erick, Part 1

Content Note: This episode includes discussion of suicide.

This is a heavy conversation. Jacqueline opens up about a topic that isn’t often talked about, but needs to be.

She shares about her son, Erick, who she lost to suicide in 2017. Not just what happened, but who he was, what their relationship looked like, and what it’s like to live with the kind of loss that changes everything.

There are questions that come with this kind of grief. Questions about what was missed, what could have been different, and how something like this happens. Jacqueline speaks to those openly, in a way that many people are afraid to.

In Part 1, she shares:
• Who Erick was as a son and person
• What life looked like before everything changed
• What it felt like to receive that news
• The early days of grief, shock, and disbelief
• The questions that don’t have clear answers
• What she wishes she had understood about mental health

This is not an easy conversation, but it’s an important one.

Jacqueline is the founder of the Erick A. Garcia You Are Enough Foundation, created in honor of her son to bring awareness, support, and resources to individuals and families impacted by mental health struggles and suicide loss.

🔗 Learn more or get involved: https://www.youareenoughfoundation.org/

If you or someone you know is in immediate need of support, call or text 988 in the U.S.

Every life has a story worth telling. Follow Unspoken Lives Podcast on your favorite podcast app and join the conversation. Visit unspokenlivespodcast.com and follow @unspokenlivespodcast on Instagram. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Welcome to Unspoken Lives, the podcast that uncovers the powerful, untold stories of everyday people. The real stories you don't always hear, but ones that deserve to be told. I'm your host, Kelsey Billingsley. In each episode, we'll explore journeys of growth, resilience, and transformation. Conversations with guests who have faced challenges, embraced change, and discovered new purpose along the way. Through their stories, you'll find inspiration, hope, and a reminder that every life has a story worth telling. Let's dive into this next unspoken life. Today's episode is a heavy one. It's the kind of story no parent ever imagines living through. Jacqueline was referred to me by a friend, and she reached out because she wanted to share her experience and advocate for mental health awareness. What stood out to me was her heart to help other families to bring light to something she felt unprepared for. In 2017, she lost her 20-year-old son Eric to suicide. In the years that followed, she started the Eric A. Garcia You Are Enough Foundation in his honor, creating space for support, resources, and honest conversations around mental health and suicide loss. Jacqueline, thank you so much for being here. I know this is a tough thing to talk about, but I really appreciate you taking the time to be here. Before we go back to 2017, I'd love to just get to know you a little bit about you. Can you share who you are?

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Yes. Thank you so much for giving me the space and especially for giving me a chance to talk about this very sensitive topic that a lot of people don't want to hear about. I'm a mom, I'm a wife, and I'm also a grieving mother. As you mentioned, I lost my son Eric by suicide in 2017. And now I'm a mental health advocate. I have a passion for this. I love helping people and also sharing my story because if I share my story, maybe I can get a parent to start a conversation, or maybe I can make a person feel seen and for them to reach out and not feel alone.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Yeah, that's great. Thank you. If you'd like, I'd love to hear about Eric as his mom. How would you describe him?

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Thank you for this wonderful question. Of course. He was like the son in the house. He was very happy all the time, a jokester. He was uh making fun of and not fun, making jokes and making everybody laugh. Very high achiever, uh, good grace, friendly, and he loved cars. Ever since he was little, he will be playing under on a rug with the little cars, and he'll be moving run, run, run. And so he loved it so much that in 2017 he graduated to be a mechanic. And yeah, he went to Sacramento, he went to UTI. He just was the greatest gift a parent can ask for, seriously, not just because he he passed away, but he changed me when he came to my life and he changed me when he left this world.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Yeah, that's beautiful. I've seen, um, I know on your foundation website you have photos of him, and he's all I think you mentioned in one of those that he was always just smiling and he just always have the has that bright, beautiful smile. I've seen it in those photos. Yes, yes, like we've talked about this is a sensitive topic, but if you could take me back to that season and basically you know how we got to where we are now, can you walk me through either before 2017 or or wherever you want to start?

SPEAKER_00 3:50

Sure, sure. We started 2017. 2017, I was a single mother. I have my two kids. I have a daughter, Giselle. They're like 15 months apart, so they're very, very close. They're very loving with each other. I was just working, you know, simple life, just going to work, coming back. They were going to school. Nothing was really different, or you know, I didn't see anything, but also I didn't understand mental health. You know, I never started a conversation. You know, when you're circled, your family hasn't been impacted by it. You kind of like, it's not that you're ignore about it, but it's you don't think you need to know about the subject because you see the outside, and you know, my son was studying, my daughter was studying. We were living our lives. I was very naive, very, very naive. I didn't really pay attention about those things. And and I grew up in an environment that nobody was talking about it. So that wasn't taught to me, so I didn't, you know, teach it to my kids. Yeah. And everything was going perfect. You know, I was working, my daughter started uh driving, she had her driver's license. Eric went with her to take the test and she passed. Eric was starting going to the internship, he finished it, um, the mechanical certification, and he had many, many plans. He came to visit us because he was in Sacramento. He came to visit us Memorial Day of that 2017, so the end of May. We spent time together. We asked him for plans. He had plans, but then he left. And then on June 7, 2017, it was very hot. I remember the day I was working all day long. I had a busy, busy day. And I text him and I call him every day. So there was not one day that we didn't communicate. And we text that day, you know, and I told him, okay, Mijo, um, there's money in the account, you know, I love you, have a good day. I was at work and then I received a phone call. And I look at the phone because I was working with a client. So I look at the phone and I put it down. I'm like, oh, I have to call her after this. Right. So I finished my work. Um I'm another republic. So I was doing authorization, and then I had to go to Acton, which is like 20 minutes out of Pamdale area. But something told me, you know, call her back. I wasn't gonna call her back until after the other appointment. So I while I was getting the paperwork, I'm like, okay, let me see. And I got the phone and I called and she answered, and she sounded very broken, very, you know, worried.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 6:33

And I was worried for her. So I'm like, Are you okay? Is your son okay? Because you know, she never called, you know, those relationships you talk not too much. And yeah, and then she asked me, No, I'm not okay, but are you alone or are you with people? And I told her, I'm at work, I'm with people. She said, I'm sorry, I have to give you some bad news.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

And I just told her, is your son okay? I asked her again, and she said, No, he is okay, but Eric is not okay. And then she said, I'm sorry to tell you that Eric is dead. Oh my gosh. And at the moment, kind of like my knees went down. I almost collapsed, but somebody grabbed me and they sat me on a chair and I started screaming, you know, she's lying, no, no, no, it's not true. And that's the moment everything changed. And somebody took me, yeah, somebody took me up to the place. She told me where he was. He was in a place where he used to go with his friends to have fun, you know, like an empty, empty space in the woods, and that's where he decided to take his life.

SPEAKER_02 7:49

I can't even imagine getting that phone call. And I'm sure I would never forget it, like the way you're explaining it, just forever in your memory. I'm so sorry. Can I ask, did your daughter know yet?

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Oh, that was another part that oh, so that was another thing that I had to do. So, of course, you know, like I was in shock. I was, I didn't know what to do, you know. I was just out of my head. Like, I felt that my spirit left my body, you know, those kind of situations. And so people that were, I was there with them, they were handling my phone and telling me you need to, you need to do this, you need to call, you need to call. And somebody told me this is while you're at work, yes, when I was at work, and my daughter on that day, she was at Disneyland. I remember telling people, How can I break her heart on the happiest place of the world? Yeah, how can I do that? And I told them, I can't, I can't, yeah, but I had to do it, so I had to call her a dog. That was another moment breaking her heart, you know, at that moment. So it was very difficult.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Did your daughter live with you? So what were you close? Okay, so then you were able to see her that yes after that, I'm assuming. Yes, okay. Okay, so then if you're okay with it, can you walk me through what happens next?

SPEAKER_00 9:12

So then the other thing I had to do, of course, tell my family. But I didn't call anyone, I texted. I just didn't know how to call every single person, so I just texted everybody. Then my boyfriend, uh, I was living with my boyfriend, not husband, but boyfriend. He was in LA, so he drove all the way to Pamda an hour, and I told him, Don't drive, because if I was feeling the way I was feeling, I can only imagine. I don't know how to get it. So it was very out of the reality day, just something that you say you can never imagine. You you're actually gonna experience something like that, and you just feel so numb, so lost, and so I don't know, it's just uh different. Everything is different.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Obviously, all of it's extremely hard, but for people that haven't gone through something like that, what do you think the hardest part of grieving was for you?

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Oh my goodness, all the um, all the what ifs, the whys, you know, the you think you have time, you know, you think you have your life, and we take a lot of things for granted that before I wasn't in the present like I am now. That's one thing that I learned that when you lose someone, what grief gives you is a better understanding of your life, more compassionate also, because sometimes you know we we're humans, we don't we don't connect the dust, we we just go day by day, and we're kind of like an autopilot. Yep, and we don't really take a look of how beautiful life is and how beautiful our loved ones are, and how everything can change in a minute.

SPEAKER_02 10:58

Yeah, yeah, that's a good perspective. All right, so going back to Eric, you said you had all of these questions. I I know I would be the exact same way. I I want to make sure it's okay to ask you these questions. So if I ever ask you anything that you just don't want to answer, just tell me. But was after that day, was there any indication as to how he was feeling or why he made this choice?

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Thank you for asking that. He actually left a note. Okay, but you know, the note, I have read it a thousand times or more, and even though you read it, he doesn't give me the why he did it, but he does mention a lot of things that happened. My divorce, you know, when we divorced, um, he was eight, my daughter was seven, so they were very small, right? And he mentions that that how it was hard for him to be there for the sister, to be the older brother. Um, he mentions uh relationships with girlfriends, so just things like you know, uh experiences that we all go through in life, but he doesn't give me the why he did it. He just said I remember this so clearly on the note. He said, Depression you won, you know, and he said that he was fighting it for a long time and he wanted to stay with us, but he just couldn't fight anymore.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Gosh, I'm sorry, that's a hard thing to read.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Yes, I still have to remember that and you know at the note he mentions us, he says advice for Giselle. He tells me how much he's he knows I'm gonna miss him because he said, I am your mama's boy. Because that's what I I always call him my you know, my my boy, my boy. So um, so at that moment, even though he was reading, uh writing the note, he was still thinking of us, but like he said depression worn.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

Yeah, I don't want to make you really of this too much. I want to talk about the foundation and how this led to that. But is there anything else you'd like to talk about regarding this specific part of the story before we get to that?

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Oh, sure, I really don't mind. I'm I'm okay with it. It still hurts, and but I know it's necessary and it has to be said. But the other thing I I just want to know is um also seeing Eric's friends, you know, they're at the funeral and they're so young, and seeing them um with that pain and that sorrow and that grief broke my heart too. That's another thing that we don't see the survivors of suicide lost, you know, that it's um we forget, we forget about them. We think we talk about the person, but we stop supporting those behind. And that's also something that I experienced it, you know. I with the grief, uh, people change, they don't know how to talk to you, but um just to bring more support to those left behind. We we have to do better.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who had lost a child, and she shared with me that people also don't know how to speak to her, and that even though it's hard to talk, um, she lost her son, even though it's hard to talk about him. She said she loves to talk about him, and she was encouraging people to ask questions and don't shy away from that. Um, would you agree with that? Yes, 100%.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

You know, people say, Oh, I don't want to make you cry or I don't want to make you sad, but the sorrow is there all the time, you know. He's here and here every minute. Yeah, but when people ask, would like you ask me about him, that's what I said, oh my god, thank you for asking the question. Is because you know why they existed, they live in this world and had an impact. Yes, it's it's normal, you know, in society, everybody's afraid of death and grief. It's it's normal, but I think we need to just see the person, your friend, for who she is still, and still your friend, she's still that person, it's just now she's just carrying this extra grief with her, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

Yeah, that makes sense. So, how did life look like? Um, you had the funeral, and then how do you continue life after this with holding this grief?

SPEAKER_00 15:19

It was hard, it was so hard to do it. I don't know if you know this the stages of grief, but I got into the angry one.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Day one, I was angry at the world, I was angry at God, which I regret, but I stopped praying. His service, I told everybody, I'm not gonna do a religious service, nobody talks to me about God. I was in a fight with him. Um it turned me into a bitter woman, I will say. I was very angry, like I said, I stopped smiling. I will just look at people, and you know, when you see people laughing outside and smiling at people, why are they happy? Why are they smiling? Why did it happen to us? So it was very dark. It was a very dark moment. I think I took up to seven months that I was dealing with all of that. And in between, I was you know, drinking wine every night, just working, coming home, and going to bed. Like my relationship with my boyfriend back then, it was falling apart because he doesn't have kids, so he didn't understand why I was grieving still. We had to go to therapy. Thank God we our relationship was safe, but um, it didn't change until after seven months when I started to to pray again. Okay, that was uh that was what changed uh talking to God again.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

Do you remember that first time you prayed?

SPEAKER_00 16:42

Yes. Oh my gosh, I was in the living room, you know, with a TV on just in my thoughts, and but I every day I have this big heavy weight on my shoulder, you know, it's just the energy, I think, and all of that. And I remember I told my boyfriend back then, I said, I'm gonna pray right now. And he said, Okay, and I closed my eyes and I started crying, and I the first thing I said to him was, I'm so sorry, God, for giving my back to you, for blaming you for this. Because I thought he forgot me. And I asked him to please help me turn all my bitterness, all my anger, all this pain to something beautiful, something that will help others, something that will give me a purpose. And he responded right away. I I mean, I remember I I felt lighter and then I started understanding um I know what I can do. Unfortunately, you know, people say it happens for a reason and you don't understand, but I knew at that moment I knew what I was gonna do. And that's when everything changed because I he was right there, God was right there, right? He never left me. I was just blocking him. But then the minute I pray, he said, I'm here. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

Yeah, do you feel when you say you knew what you were gonna do? Is that the foundation? Yes, and it did just come to you after the prayer.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Yeah, so what happened is we had a GoFundMe because we had to create a GoFundMe for his service, but at the last minute, a family member paid for the service. So I left the money there. I didn't touch it, and then I thought, okay, I can start with a scholarship. So I contacted the principal of his high school, and we started that you are enough scholarships. So the first year we awarded like 3,500 to seven different kids, and they all they had to do was an essay about mental health, you know, like tell us about mental health of how it has impacted your life. And we got those essays, and and once I started with that and posted it on Facebook, you know, and I took I shared with everybody, and everybody was wow, that's amazing. So then I'm like, wait a minute, maybe I can help other kids since I cannot help Eric financially. We can help other kids financially that needs that. Then that's how we started, and then I got another idea. I'm like, oh, I can do a nonprofit and help people that struggle with mental health. So I started with a Facebook page, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

And I called it his name on the website. The nonprofit is Eric A. Garcia, you're on a foundation, because I wanted to also um highlight men, men die by suicide more than women. Okay. And you know, society kind of uh put a lot of pressure on men, and they guys don't feel good about expressing their feelings. Little by little, you know, then the next step. I was Googling everything. Um, we didn't have Chat GPT back then. Yeah, so I had to Google everything, like how to start a nonprofit, had to do a website. So I did everything alone. And little by little, like I said, God was guiding me, angels were coming, you know, helpers, the helpers, the guide. And it became more than I expected. It's it's been such a blessing for others for me. If I didn't have this nonprofit, I mean, I share with you how I was. I don't know who I be right now, I don't know if I'm my husband. I really don't know. I visual myself really alone in the streets, losing addiction because I didn't want to be here anymore. Yeah. So this nonprofit not only helps other people, but it saved me. It saved me as a person.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

You know, that's amazing. So I know it started out as scholarships, but can you share about the resources you offer through the foundation?

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Yes, yes. So what I did, uh I started going to community, do a lot of community outreach. So I would bring a table and I will go to different agencies and get whatever they had. And when there was an event in the community, I would put all those resources because a lot of people don't know where the resources are. And sometimes they don't even know that they might need it someday. So that's the first thing we did. We do, we do outreach, and we also now partner out with BetterHelp. They they do free therapy for us, so they give us some vouchers so we can give to the community. Because another problem that we have with mental health is that if you call your therapist and you want an appointment, they tell you two or three months. There's a waiting period. Unfortunately, they a lot of people need the help right there and then. So I thought, okay, maybe if I do the better help and people can sign up and do on Zoom therapy or the phone, at least it's something while they wait to see their therapist. So we do that. That's very important for us. We're um we're gonna start free therapy in person. Right now, I'm working on getting therapists to work with us because the services that we provide. I want them to be free. I too much already for people to put uh mental health or my basic needs, you know. I want them not to have that decision and also to get their resources. So uh if there's any therapist that would like to work with us, we need a pro bono or something free for the community. That would be so great.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

And we do a mental health walk in Pamdale, Lancaster. We didn't have a mental health walk like LA and other cities. So we started a mental health walk in Pamdel. This year will be our fifth year doing that, bringing the community together for that you are in a walk. Uh grief support, that's another thing that you mentioned. Uh, people don't like to talk about it or don't know how to be there for a friend. So we do workshops, we educate on the uh warning signs. I became a QPR facilitator, which is called um question, persuade, and refer. It's a one-hour workshop where we teach you how to learn the signs and what to do and what to say and what not to say.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Um yeah, so we do we do a lot of those things. Um thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

So you mentioned earlier that mental health wasn't really something your family talked about. I don't think most families talk about it. What's something you'd like other parents to understand? Or I don't know, maybe coach them about how to talk to their kids about mental health.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

I would say don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to talk about mental health. Don't be afraid to say suicide. Uh, people still don't want to say the word suicide. Um get to know the resources, learn the signs, you know. After I learned the signs, because I started taking workshops and a lot of things, I look back when Eric was alive and the signs were there. The signs were there, but I just didn't know any better. And like I said, I was an autopilot, you know, making sure that we had food and and working. And I didn't take the time to sit down and actually see him in the eye and have the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 24:02

Yeah. Can you share about those signs?

SPEAKER_00 24:05

Oh sure. No, no, no, sure. Um, angry, you know, Eric was very angry, but he was 20, so I confuse his anger with, oh, he's a teenager, or you know, he's strong, the hormones and all of that.

unknown 24:18

Right.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

But when they're really angry, there's always pain behind the anger. I was just like, oh, stop being angry. I never said, you know, what's going on? Let's talk. Tell me what happens. Even though if he would have not opened up, I don't know what the outcome would have been.

unknown 24:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

But at least I would have been like, maybe if he would have seen me more concerned or taking the time to see him and you know, and and tell him, tell me please, what's going on. I don't know, maybe he would have opened up or not, but that's one thing. I think a lot of parents confuse that with anger. Yeah, definitely. You know, so let's talk more about emotions than like behaviors, like what I did. You know, I was looking at the behavior, but I didn't go more into the emotions. Um and you know, prevention is starting a conversation. Like I said, I didn't know the signs, and the signs were there. So I always saw people be more absorbent, look at the eyes, pay attention and on the feelings, talk about it, learn the signs.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

Yeah. Thank you for listening to part one of this conversation. Next week, we'll continue the story in part two. Here's a preview of what's to come.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

Blaming people, blaming society, blaming God. I was tired of the negativity that was absorbing my life, absorbing my relationship. I wasn't being a good mother to my daughter. I in the grief I lost myself so many moments because I was so into my grief that I forgot about her to innovate, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:57

That's it for this episode of Unspoken Lives. If today's story moved you, inspired you, or made you reflect on your own journey, hit that subscribe button so you don't miss the next powerful conversation. I'm always on the lookout for new guests. If you know someone with a story that deserves to be shared, I'd love to hear from you. Check the show notes for contact details and make sure to follow along on social media at Unspoken Lives Podcast. Until next time, keep listening, keep sharing, and remember every life has a story worth telling.