Modern Love (And Why It Feels So Complicated)

In this episode, Dina and Jules chat about modern relationships and why they sometimes feel a little more complicated than we expected. From dating apps to independence, changing expectations, and what we actually want now, it’s a relaxed conversation about how love looks these days.

We talk about communication, red flags, and whether we’re overthinking things or just more aware than we used to be. It’s not about having the answers — just sharing experiences, a few observations, and trying to make sense of it all along the way.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Welcome to Everyday Something Podcast. This is us again.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome back, welcome back. Today we have a fun topic.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

Modern love.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

We're gonna talk about modern love, what it feels, and why it feels so complicated.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Yep. Modern love, how hard is it? Freaking hell. Kind of the days when I'm like, you know, like, you know, back in the day, it's just you just felt like not options, it's probably not a word to use, but you know, you just thought it was it was just easier, I think. It was just easy, you just I mean, even without like even without social media, you know, you would meet someone at a park or meet someone exactly you know, with a group of friends and stuff. I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Excitement, right? You would see someone that you thought was like cute, and then you would kind of eye contact and wait for him to make the icon. It was like a process, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a long process, and now now it feels like either we've put in too much expectations on ourselves or on the other person, but it's just like you it comes with a bucket list now. It's just it's so it's more complicated in the sense where it's just not as organic. Yeah, it's not as organic.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

I was just uh watching this um um interview, someone was interviewing someone, and they said they were talking about you know what are the expectations today, and they said, Look, our generation grew up with these fairy tale uh cartoons where we believed in this nightbook story? Yeah, we believed that this uh knight on a uh on a in a shine in armor is gonna come and rescue us and sweep us off our feet and be super romantic. And you know, we grew up with that image, and no one has kind of come to us and slapped us and been like that doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Good and proper.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

And then like, wake up to reality.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

I know it's it's well, it can exist. I think romance, I mean, I know chivalry's dead, that's for freaking sure. Um, but uh romance can exist, but it's just not for me, I find it's long term, it's not sustainable. It's not I think it's not sustainable and it takes a lot of work. Like you have to I think you know, when I was younger, even going into my last relationship in my 40s, you know, you it was it was exciting at the start, like it always is, it's the honeymoon period or whatever else you want to want to call it. But it's when this the real stuff happens, it's just like can I can I see myself with this person for the rest of my life? Like, do I want to be dealing with you know, there's these arguments or these situations. Can I be bothered working through this for the rest of my life? I'm not quite sure. It is, it's it's a look, I guess it's all very complicated too these days. It's comes down to financial decisions as well. And you know, like I know there's a lot of people who are in, there are some people, I'm not gonna say a lot, but some people in my life who are in not in very happy situations in the relationships, but they won't break up leave because you know, financial and whatever other situations um hindering that.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

And you know, and uh you know, these they were talking about like what does it take to save a relationship like that, like where you know that things are a bit rocky, things are not going the right way. What do like how do you save that situation, that relationship? Yeah, and I believe that both people need to be 100% in willing to fix it.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you wonder, like I know a couple who have been in therapy for 18 years of their relationship. Okay, so that's 18 years of their 22-year-old 22-year marriage.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah, but obviously they both want to network.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

You get what can I say wait, 18 years, like but what are you what are what's happening? Like, what are you what is the for me from an outsider? Look, we all have our opinions. What is it that you're trying, what is the end result?

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Yeah, like are you just maybe they need a therapist just to be the mediator talk to each other without what it is.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

You need some third person to justify and just go, yes, you're right, or no, you're wrong. But I that's a tough gig.

SPEAKER_02 5:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

Like I know I I wonder if I would put myself through that, you know, in a sense where it is. I mean, they have children, so obviously there is a you know, um, a big importance there, but you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 5:24

That's a that's a I don't know. I think I think it's tough in general to be in in a relationship, even like finding someone to be in a relationship with is even tougher today with you know all these apps and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

And but you know, like But it's also the social, like you know, when we dated when we were younger, if you went out, that person became your boyfriend or whatever, like you know, um partner, whatever else have you. And that was these days there's this this this ex this social expectation where it's you're either exclusive or there's another one. But gosh, I'm so what the hell is that? I'm so out of touch, and then you know, I think to myself, there's nowhere in hell I want to date. I mean, it doesn't it's not so um that's not so it's not exclusive anymore. Are you trying to well there's like a situationship, there's exclusivity or something or other open relationship and the thing is in Australia I noticed somebody on a podcast explaining that they weren't exclusive or what I mean when did that come into play? Like I've obviously been out of the dating disease for two years.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

Yeah, monogamy is very rare to these days.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Monogamy is very rare by sounds and chivalry, which I have already mentioned that.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

But you know, like do you think that red flags today are a little bit too often we see everything as a red flag? Or do you think that women have just been able to tolerate you know no become more independent and we actually look at someone really detailed before we decide.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

I mean it's just not as old-fashioned, I suppose. You know, back in the day, I mean women didn't have much rights anyway, in the sense where you know the male, the male was the breadwinner, and that's certainly changed. Uh now, I mean some women are earning more than their partners, etc. But um I think that has a lot to do with it, but it's just I don't know, it's I find it daunting.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Yeah, and I think I think it's that that search for perfection, right? In both men and women.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Because no one wants to give in, no one wants to compromise, and you know, we can live a comfortable life without do you think that like look there are the the so many things to consider, I think. There are a lot of women who I mean I used to be that way many, many years ago, where I didn't want to be alone, like I couldn't be alone. So, you know, that takes that's different. Number two, obviously it's very difficult to find. It's not as I don't know how people do that. Oh, I was just in a cafe and ordering the coffee. I just bumped into, you know, and met the love of my life. That sucks. That's very rare. So what cafe were you in, babe? Because I've been to cafes around the world and I've never run into the love of my life, whatever that means really anymore. And that's another thing too. But red flags, I mean, I know look at what a red flag is to some people is probably not to others, and icks as well. You know, it's I think that could be another thing too.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

That has yeah, and you know, as you age you start to look things look at things.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

And you could get fussier, and the smaller and the more that you're alone, I think too, you get fussier.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Yeah, because you're used to you, you know, some comfort. Whereas when you're younger, and it also depends on what your goal is. If marriage is not your goal, yeah, then of course you're even more picky because you're like, why should I, you know, settle for this? Yeah, um, when I can just be alone and be happier, you know. This is where the situation is. I was um watching Oprah interview that lady that ended up on the Coldplay screen screen, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

And it's so funny when you put it into perspective what actually happened. That lady was with her husband at that concert. Apparently. What? Yeah. She was at that concert. What?

SPEAKER_01 9:47

I thought they separated or something.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

No, she they were about to separate. They're about to separate. About to divorce, they were separated, but they went on the concert together.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

And apparently the guy that was with her on the screen was also going through a separation and a divorce.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

And they work together. Right. Two of them work together, and that's how they they they basically bonded over their divorce. And that's how they became.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

So then they got that scenario.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

You know, and then you're like, okay, now when you put everything into perspective, you know, like sometimes you know, you judge you judge. And I guess she felt like she needed to tell her stories, her side of the story, because I I don't think she had it easy after that jumbo throne. Um, but you know what I mean? Like sometimes it's the situation that people find themselves in. Sometimes it's the right place at the right time. But I think the apps don't help. The apps have really given people way too much change.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Options, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

And too easy to change, too easy to change.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

Well, it is because you could be on a date with somebody and there'd be one thing that they don't like. Yeah. And I don't like the way she chews her food. Yeah. And he's like, that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

I'll just you don't give them the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

And that's where I think you're right. There's none of there's none of that like working through working through things. Like I was just watching uh Manosphere. Um and not I have I haven't seen this episode yet with Louis Thoreau. Uh this was on uh like an Instagram reel that and but he interviewed a pretty decent guy and he was talking to me how he met someone in a group of friends, of course, of course. They all got invited. There was ten, ten women, ten men, and of course you clicked, and he invited her on a date, and she wore a pair he goes, just wear what you're wearing. And then she got to the restaurant and he took the coat off and she was wearing her pajamas, which I thought was very kind. But what I loved about it was that he went, he just knew right then and there that that was his person because she was comfortable to be sitting in this restaurant with her pet with her white pyjamas. I just don't know if that kind of stuff exists in this world. I mean the guy would be like, I don't think so, babe.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Do you get me? Yeah, I mean I wouldn't react the same way if someone came to have dinner in pajamas with me.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Well that's what she had on, babe. I mean, you know, he knocked on her door randomly. What did you think? But I just thought it was quite a it was, you know, I don't know. Sometimes I believe in it and not believe in it. That's that's where I've become a I've become a bit pessimistic when it comes to that whole romance because I told you when I had my date, I had my, you know, it I had a nice, it was a shirt, uh, like a bit more flannel, but it was from my friend in France, um, who who um had made it. Oh my god, like he looked at me as if I was just the most unattractive person in the room because I wasn't wearing high heels. And so I think that's where it can be difficult because like I said, some whatever icks are to some people and might not necessarily be to others. You don't give that person a chance, you know.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Exactly. I think it's that.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

It's like what do you I mean, what are you looking for?

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Thinking at every single thing because none of us are perfect, right? None of us are perfect, and you will never find someone that will have tick all the boxes, right? So what what is it? What where where do you say, oh okay, where do you draw where do you draw the line? Yeah, and I will close my eyes on the other ten things. Yeah, where do you you know, like how how do you decide? I think values are important, yeah, and both people have to want this relationship, right? Both people have to be the same values, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Both people have to say, okay, we get along well, we have fun together, and you know, we're gonna work through the other ten things that we might not agree with or like in each other, and that's and sometimes you just have to ignore certain things, but I think again, that's where these dating apps and and society have made it social made have made it quite difficult, which is such rubbish, like you said. There are probably lots of things that you don't particularly I don't know what you call the ick, I don't know. And you know, you think to yourself, well, why should I have to work through it? Like why, you know, that's what happens is they sit, they they sit there with that choice. Do I want to work through them or do I not want to work through it?

SPEAKER_00 14:37

Like I think Yeah, if one person doesn't want to, it's never gonna work.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

But it's more like I think that the number one thing would be great that you click, like a clicking is you know, you either do or you don't. You can't be for you can't force chemistry. Like there are so many layers of chemistry, and like if you can't click, but it would be really great, I think, from my perspective, that you could be friendly, like that you're friends. I think that's really important. Depends what you build that relationship on, you know, like if it's just sexual chemistry, well then that that that's gonna that's got an expiry date, I can tell you that now. Um, and you know, let anyone challenge me on it, but it I I think so. If if the draw card was that they you know what is a nick for me when someone comments on my appearance, you know, my appearance within the first five minutes of what I'm wearing, what I look like, you know, like love bombing you with appearance, you know that's not gonna go far because you then start to develop thinking to yourself, can you imagine if like I have a day where I'm not if I am in my white pajamas or in my track pants or like is this person gonna still feel like yeah, looks can't be the only thing it has to be deeper than that.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

I think so. It has to be something someone that you find some companionship in that you can talk to, that you can confine in, right? Yeah, of course you might not talk to them about every single thing in your life. You might talk to your girlfriends about certain things, you know, but uh at least that you can confine in them and and feel comfortable and safe with this person. I think that's the most important thing. Then everything else kind of falls into place. But you know, like you said, if you know he or she is chewing their food in a way, in a certain way, if you can live with that or maybe tell them and hope that they will adjust a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Um but if you find that to be the most annoying thing and it's gonna annoy you every day of your life, then you you won't you you won't be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

But it's so shallow, isn't it? Like when you really think about it. I mean, there was one who I can't remember who it was, but someone famous were talking about that they don't tolerate like a bad breath. You know, like that's an absolute red flag, get the hell out, kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Um But that's what they put on top of that.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Yes, that's what I'm saying. I'm thinking these days with dating, like I mean, a lot of people I'm sure just lie on their dating apps and then oh my gosh, you know, and I just think it's such a shitty thing to, you know, label yourself with. Um and I think just think the key is to be authentic. And you I guess you get to that point where you go, and if you can't like me for who I am, I'm not gonna change. Yeah. I think that's where that's where it becomes difficult.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

Yeah, I think it's and uh yes, and also too often people are like, okay, next, okay, next, okay, next, who's next on my Tinder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who, you know. So this is this is the it's it's at your fingertips, right? It's like shopping.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

Maybe if I you know I don't have so many online applications for shopping, I wouldn't buy so many clothes, or you know, I do wonder though, though, if those dating apps are like if anyone is in really want in a search of love. Like I've always wondered, is it love that they're after or just you know I think today anyone that you know is serious about finding someone needs to be on the app because otherwise where are they gonna excuse me, lady.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

What?

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Well, we both we all know that that's not the way to Do not put me on no proof. But you know, like some of my my girlfriends who were like in their middle mid-40s or late forties, they they have to be on the app because it's impossible. Like then no one's gonna approach them in a cafe. No one's gonna approach them in the library.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Library, I love that one. When are they leaving a library?

SPEAKER_00 18:50

No choice, they have to ch try, try, you know, like at least there. But do they are they having any success? I'm curious. Some of them are, some of them do get end up being in a serious, you know, relationship. Yeah, because I've heard some great stories.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

I've heard a lot of good stories.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

Yeah, because the other person was also looking for that. If the other person is looking for something quick and easy, then you know that's what Tinder's for, apparently.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Tinder and grinder, there you go. I know that much. I'm not on either of them, I'm not on anything really. But it is hard, it's hard to find organic, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

We expect a lot from people, we expect a lot from a relationship as well. You know, even today's shows and movies don't help. I think they really portray a relationship in a in a in a wrong like way.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

I mean, I was watching uh oh my gosh, I can't believe I was watching Age of Attraction or something or other. Have you watched that yet? You know, the where ages they don't they can't disclose their age. Oh, I haven't seen that. And you end up with women older than me, you know, men that are 60 and the women are all in their twenties. And that's what shocks me is that there's 20 year olds, 22-year-olds are like, oh my god, I just want to be in a relationship and lock myself down. And yet I would look at my f future self and go, Oh my god, don't. You know, like go out, enjoy your life at 22, lock yourself down for what, you know. But it's interesting human nature, right?

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Maybe at 20 people really feel the need to be in a serious relationship, to have children, to this, to that. And I'm always curious, actually. Built today in such a way where no one really puts a lot of uh uh emphasis on relationships. But I don't know, I think uh marriage is less and less the goal and and yeah, the end of the year. 100% and the end goal. So I think that's why everything is kind of changing, the whole relationship thing.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

I mean, you must say it like when you met your husband and what it's like now, and when you see your friends who are your age and going through the whole dating thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

I think it's hard. I think if I had to start now at this age, I think it would be very, very hard. Because when you're younger, you don't focus on a lot of negative things, or you don't focus on a lot of you don't think like, oh my gosh, am I gonna be able to live my whole life with this person? You don't think like that? You don't go that far. You just go and kind of jump in and and and life takes you, right? But and I think um relationships definitely evolve.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

They well the people within those relationships evolve through time. We all change we change on a daily basis.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Your children change you, your circumstances change you, environment, yeah. Environment where you live. Everything kind of changes, and it's just a matter of whether both of those people evolve together or one stays behind and feels like it's not working. Catching up, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Yeah, absolutely. And that's where I've obviously the clashes come into play when Yeah, one person feels m inferior to the other person. I think that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Exactly. And and it does they can't seem to find common ground. Common ground and they might not want the same things anymore, right? Yeah. Because maybe along the way they they just want a different path. Suddenly this person wants to go left, the other person wants to go right, and it's hard to meet in the middle.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

Well you're you're a different person to what you are now than when you got married. Exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly. So it's bound to happen. And like I said, as long as that person then the same or going similar in the similar direction and wants this, you know, similar things.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

I think the biggest um test for a marriage is when the children leave, like they go to college or and then you're by yourself. And then it's two of you again by yourself.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

Well without the dis without the distraction.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Yeah, because the children are a distraction in a marriage. They are they you you cannot I mean, unless you have someone else taking care of your kids and you're just living, you know, you you're behaving like a couple. You can't. The children are a huge distraction.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

And I think that's where the test comes when they leave and you're left alone. It's like, okay, can we make this work? Are we gonna be able to live together just the two of us? Or not? And I think that's where a lot of marriages kind of get unstable. So unstable.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

Yeah, because again, you're older, yeah, and different people, and your wants and needs are different again, too. Yeah. So I think, yeah. Yeah, it is everything needs to be worked on, I think, from the start to finish.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

Exactly. So yeah, it's not easy, not easy to be in a relationship, and and especially today, like you know, with this world with all these expectations, social media, with everything that's bombarding us on a daily basis, it's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Oh no, it's not. And I always you know how I've gone through I go through roller coaster about wanting to date and then not wanting to date, and I kind of like my um freedom. Freedom. Yeah, it's like uh was it William Faulkner? When you wake up in the morning to yourself, and there's no one waiting for you when you get home, and there's no one to you know, like stop you from doing the things that you want. Is that use it classed as a loneliness or freedom?

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Yeah, exactly. Because it's true, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

It's all it's all how you look at it, yeah. And it isn't the thing is, you know, like I I had I guess it wasn't so apparent in Australia. I had a lot of um male gay friends who, you know, were like my pretend pretend boyfriends, you know, who I just had but it is it is very different, I think, as you get older and I think another problem is that um kids these days, and when I say kids, I'm talking about 30-year-olds.

SPEAKER_00 25:09

30 30-year-old children who are still living with their parents. This is another problem, right? Because when we were younger, we went out very young to do. We had, you know, we lived alone.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

How long how old were you when you left home?

SPEAKER_00 25:27

I left home at 16.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Yeah, did I?

SPEAKER_00 25:29

And you know, we we were kind of thrown out there, and it was easier for us to have the relationships as well. Whereas today, if you're living with your parents at 30 something, where you know, where are you gonna bring this girlfriend of yours? Or you know, what what do you offer to this?

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Yeah, yeah, what are you offering? What are you yeah? Well, I say, what are you gonna put on the table? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

So I think that's also not helping. I mean, I'm talking about Europe, I don't know, and the rest of the world, but this is how it is in Europe. Yeah, Europe's very different. Not much opportunity, or they don't feel forced to find their own place.

SPEAKER_01 26:05

So it's got your 30, 40-year-olds who are still living at home.

SPEAKER_00 26:08

Yeah, it's in um Croatia is one of the oldest uh is it?

SPEAKER_01 26:12

Yes, they just a lot of Italians do that too.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

I suppose they just did a study, I think the average is 32.

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Wow. Look, I understand that um it, you know, societal pressure. It's very difficult, you know, for people to save money and you know to buy their own home and you know, having to have their property prices have gone up. But then are people who like are single and they think, well, what's the point? Yeah, I've got it good here.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

Exactly. Mum is cooking. Mum is still doing my washing laundering.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

Yeah, it's a it's a strange, it's it is, it is. Yeah, but I I I I get where you're coming from. You know, you're not exposed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also believe I mean a strong believer in is like um never go into an environment where you know, like if you meet someone, for example, I'm not a huge drinker, as you know, like I'm not a you know, and so I don't want to meet someone at a bar. You know, or I won't meet anyone at a bar, because number one, I'll hardly go to a bar. But number two, it's just it's not something that I would, you know, like enjoy doing in the future. Enjoying doing it in the future. So it's like that's another scenario.

SPEAKER_00 27:23

Two people say, Oh, you need to get out more, and you think, but I I you know, I I I'm really now convinced that we're gonna go back to arranged marriages. Oh god. I'm really convinced because in you know, some of the Asian countries, yeah. Because exactly because of all these things that we just spoke about, it's not easy to find someone, or it's not easy to be in a situation where you find somebody. So I'm sure we're gonna find ways to do arranged marriages again, or at least arranged arranging people to companions, yeah, to kind of come together because otherwise it's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

No, no, no. It is, it's uh it's it's a it's a date, the dating, the dating and like I said, modern love is is is a topic that you could talk about for for weeks, seriously.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

Exactly. Yeah, well, I me hope that we opened up your eyes a little bit and gave you some ideas of what modern love is today.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Yeah, that's what it is to us anyway. Exactly. Curious to know.

SPEAKER_00 28:35

And uh yeah, so hopefully you guys are happy in whatever relationship or non-relationship you are, and yeah, that these modern tools are helping you and not giving you that.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Let's go back to 90s. That's a new bit new thing now. Let's go back to 90s dating. I say 90s love, 90s dating. That's fun. 90s, the 90s, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

90s parties.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Sounds good to me.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

I mean, okay, guys, and that's all for us today. Thanks for tuning in again, and we'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

Next episode. Bye.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Bye bye.