The Danger of Playing Both Sides with Sadie and Christian Huff

In this episode of full fledged, Priscilla and JC are joined by Christian and Sadie top addresses the danger of trying to follow Jesus while still living under the influence of the world, where a person attempts to hold devotion to Christ alongside loyalty to cultural pressures, desires, and approval systems that operate on a different foundation. What does the bible say about this? 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

So one night we're at a party and I'd I'd been having these like feelings like leading up to like I shouldn't be doing this. And uh this kid walked out, he was crazy, and he was like, I thought you didn't drink. And it was this moment for me of like and it's like how do I be that man of integrity? I can't do that if I'm trying to do the church thing, but also living this crazy lifestyle.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

So Christian, I do want to ask you some questions about your, you know, your history and that sort of thing. And then I have questions that have to do with this dynamic right here. So, first of all, you you alluded a moment ago that you had some some years there.

SPEAKER_03 0:45

Yeah. Situations. A couple years.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Uh huh. Tell us about yourself.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

So I was at a party. I was like on the I was sitting in this lawn chair on a porch at this party, just by myself, just shotgunning these beers, trying to get drunk as quick as possible. And uh this kid walked out, and he was not a I which I I haven't talked to him in probably 10 years at this point, but I don't think he's necessarily following Jesus. He he was he was crazy and he was like, I thought you didn't drink. Because that's what I had been saying. And it was this moment for me of like someone else realizing my hypocrisy versus what I had been feeling for myself. Wow. And it was this moment of like I don't want to be perceived this way. It it was almost like what you talked about on our podcast, like being a man of integrity. And it's like, how do I be that man of integrity? And I can't do that if I'm trying to do the church thing, but also living this crazy lifestyle. And it was that moment of me of like full-on, like it was a repentance, it was a conviction. It was that these friends that I had been gotten really close with these these first couple months. I have to just sever that. I can't still run with these people. We'll also pursue this. And I think there's there is there's a time and a place for that, but it's you know, bad company corrupts good morals. And for me, where I was at my life, I was like, I need friends that are gonna hold me accountable, that are not gonna judge me when I mess up, that are gonna you know, push me to be involved in church. And I need because I I do think I needed a reframework of of church and how to be involved in it from a relationship side and not just uh I can go do whatever I want on Saturday, but then if I'm if I'm here on Sunday, that cancels it out. Um so that's kind of in a brief nutshell. And and at the time, so that that happened like October of my freshman year. So I messaged Sadie January of my freshman year, and I'm glad that she did not read the DM when I had said you needed the because I needed more time, and I think at the time, if she would have responded and if we would have had any sort of dialogue, I think the things I was still struggling with, it would have been me fixing my problems for this relationship. So I needed a year and a half of God sanctifying me, convicting me in this repentant state of like because I I if you're if you're truly about to step into this, the the quote unquote magnitude that it's gonna feel like, you need time to prepare for that.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

I also think it's really cool because my sister had met Christian, you know, within the two months.

SPEAKER_03 3:21

A year before we had ever met.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

Before we ever met, and never like thought, oh, y'all should be together because we were so different, you know, at the time. And I had my own stuff, but we were just different. And I remember whenever I said to Bella that I was interested in Christian when we met, she's like, no, because she knew like she had met him right at that like turning point. And he hadn't like really like he had turned, but it was still that, you know, that signification process. Yeah. And so when you started coming around, it took Bella a minute because she was like, Are you doing this for her or did you really change? And so for Bella to see that, Bella always says, like, I cannot take credit for the relationship, even though I did know him before.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Did she give him a hard time really?

SPEAKER_02 4:01

Yeah, she gave both of us a hard time because she just didn't work. But it's always just like, you know, are you doing it for her or did the Lord really do something in your life? And the Lord really did do something in his life. And so I think it's really cool though, because so many people feel that like tension of who I used to be and who I want to be and who I'm becoming. And it's like, you know, you're scared to fully be this new person because everybody knows you for this old person. And that is a humbling process. But it's like, but that's the gospel. I mean, that's like you were dead, now you're alive, like you were old, now you're new. And you you have to just kind of like go in it and be humbled in it.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

And that's the part for me that I still I still struggle with my story at times of to where it's like I have these moments, like I said, these visual moments of being in middle school, like crying during worship to these songs on like a daily basis. But it was like, but my life, like I had those emotional moments, but my life didn't change. Like there was there was conviction, but there was no repentance that followed that, which led me to to change. So I still struggle with that, with honestly, with my walk of like when would I have say I was quote unquote saved? It's like because I would say in college, but there's all the nuances of emotions that I felt growing up. I was always plugged in church, I was leading Bible studies, I was on the outside, I was doing good things, but inwardly I was just I was I was not living the the the the correct lifestyle. Yeah. Uh so I still kind of struggle with that idea of like sanctification too.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Our last podcast is like if you're gonna live this way, live that way and you know just own it.

SPEAKER_00 5:40

I call it being raggedy. If you don't be raggedy, be raggedy.

SPEAKER_02 5:43

But if you're gonna be a man of integrity, then be a man of integrity. Don't be one way here and one way there. I feel like when your life like sank up, where you're like, I'm just this is where I'm at. And it wasn't perfect, it was a struggle, but it was a repentant struggle.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Well, I knew for myself too. Going in one, I think that was why the the change for me was so drastic, and to where people might, you know, critique that in some sense. For me, it was like I know my patterns, I know my struggles, so I have to, I'm I'm done going to parties, I'm done drinking. I'm done with these friends. And it was You for real did. And I for real did. And it was that for me, it was like that moment of because I had those feelings of hypocrisy of like I should still be friends with these people to help lead them to the Lord. Wow. But I was also like, but I know for myself, I know that the temptations for myself to where if I go back to that, I know I'm gonna be prone and inclined to pleasing that and and feeling that flesh side of things because I still can struggle with that. So for me, it was like I have this completely several. I have to stop going to parties, so good, right? Stop drinking. I'm unfollowing every person that I follow that has a bikini picture. I'm unfollowing that. Like, even if whatever the relationship is, if it's something that is gonna lead me to this thing, I'm I'm I have to unfollow you. Yeah. Um, I just had to get serious with no yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:01

I have like eight million things to say. Um, I'm gonna try to go through all of them in like a small brief period of time. Um all I heard there was like, do I care more about God than myself? Yeah. Almost. Like, like I feel like it would be fun for me to keep drinking with my friends. It would be fun for me to have these relationships with these women that I shouldn't. It would be fun for me to do all these things, but do I care about God's heartbreaking me doing it? Like I think that that is a that's a hard thing to wrestle with and question yourself with because if you're doing those things, you the question probably should come up like, do I care enough about God?

SPEAKER_02 7:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 7:39

Like, you know what I mean? So that's one thing. I don't want to I want to sit in that for a second if that need if anybody needs it.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

And just to say it's okay to pray, Lord, would you cause my heart to break for what breaks your heart? Like it's okay to pray that. Lord, I I actually don't think that my heart mirrors yours in regards to sin. I don't hate it like you hate it. It doesn't make me cry, like it makes you cry, it doesn't break my heart. So would you make my heart break for what breaks yours?

SPEAKER_03 8:04

That's great. That's phenomenal.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

That was your bio, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 8:06

But still is my bio. I remember like no-if it breaks God's heart, why do you think it will fulfill yours? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:11

Yeah, it would reach out.

SPEAKER_03 8:11

Oh, that's good. Rich Wilkerson. That's so good. And I think too, because I just didn't have anybody speaking into my life from a mentor side of things of like, hey, I see what you're doing. I've been there, it's fun, but it's not gonna leave you satisfied. And I think all my friends at the time, especially in high school, it was all we were all doing the same thing. It was all let's go party, let's go hook up with girls, let's go watch porn. It was never this, I never had this like figure that's like I've been there, done that. Here's where that leads, and that's not I I've seen the strength of you, and I've seen the week that says you have so many strengths, but you if you keep feeding this, it's gonna leave you down a place where you don't want to go or you shouldn't go. And I think I just didn't have that. Um which is why I feel like now I'm so passionate about I'm about drawing that line of like delete your Snapchat, unfollow the people, like get download something on your phone that can prevent you from searching these specific websites. Don't go to the bar. Like it's like when you truly take initiative and you you cut those things off, and and and not from like a legalistic sense, but like you do have to get serious about your sin. And if you if you just continue to to leave things open, the enemy is going to continue to tempt you with that. So for me, I was like, I just had to just fully cut it off. Just cut it off.

SPEAKER_05 9:30

Yeah, no, that was what I'm saying. And you said you had said something that that resonated with me a lot, which was like you identified with external factors in like a bunch of senses, like when you identified with um what you did, like baseball or the parties or whatever, like you identify, but what was interesting was like also, and you I don't think you said this specifically, so you can correct me if I'm wrong. It seemed like your identity was also in church, like you know what I mean, and that's hard because that's a religious thing, yeah. So, like you you it's so easy to make your identity something religious and make you seem super spiritual and holy, yeah. When in actuality it was just masking all of your unrighteousness and unholiness on the back end, yeah. But you felt good because your identity was in something religious structured, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 10:15

And so how is that and I still I still struggle with that? Like, that's one of my biggest things I struggle with today is like what is going on, y'all?

SPEAKER_04 10:27

Okay, look, the last four years of my life have been completely transformational. Like, I mean, I'm talking about I'm talking about 180, right? And a big part of that was because of Liberty University. Liberty University is a phenomenal place. The coaches, the staff, the teachers, everybody that I encountered seemed like to have a true, genuine love for Jesus and a want for their students to grow and actually become champions for Christ. Like it's real. They have convocation every month, every Wednesday and Friday. They have campus community every Wednesday. As a residential student, I was so impacted by everything that they had, especially the basketball team that I was a part of for four years. It just was a great experience. And if you want to become part of the Liberty family, whether as an online student, they have the biggest one in the world, or as a residential student, I have the way for you. Go to liberty.edu slash full fledged, and you can get your application fee waived, and you can come join the family just like I am now.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

It's for me, it's it's like what is legalism and what is conviction. So for me, it's like if, and I I call my pastor about this, and he was like, Christian, no one else is thinking that. But I was like, if I'm it's it's something in my mind of like, let's say we're flying to go speak somewhere. In my mind, I'm like, well, I need to read the Bible on the plane, versus like, I feel guilty if I'm if I'm I just want to watch a movie. Or it's like if I go home and work out today and I'm like, you know what, I just want to listen to country. Then I'll work out and be like, you should have listened to worship music the whole time. But I still combat those things that are like, is that legalism? Is that this is my head. I need I need some wise people help me because this is me. This is literally me. That's what I struggle with. Is like, what is my framework of like this is you being legalistic versus this is the spirit being don't watch that, don't listen to that. So I I still deal with those nuances honestly on a daily basis. I can struggle with that. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

Sadie, what's your thought?

SPEAKER_02 12:21

I'm like, I look at you. I'm like, we're all looking at my thoughts. I mean, I I think what you said about your identity being in church, it it is such a tricky thing when you get into that space, it's such a dangerous space to be. Whenever you make that your identity, but you're living this other lifestyle and you start to talk religious and you know how to say the right thing and look the right way, because then no one can speak into it because everyone thinks you're good. And when I've when I read the Bible, the person I think of who mirrored that lifestyle was really Judas, because he would say the right thing. He's like, Oh, well, shouldn't that money go to the poor? And it's like, oh, you're really good at sounding spiritual, but it says, Oh, but his heart, it wasn't for the poor, you know. But they didn't know that. Like Jesus knew that, and that's why Jesus was like, Don't judge this person. Like, Jesus knew their heart, but the disciples didn't. So think about the disciples' perspective, thinking, Judas, that was such a sweet thing to say, or you know, he said the right thing, but then like a lifestyle of saying the right thing, looking the right way, but his heart not being in a pure place led him to 20 shekels, you know, uh to turn in the Lord. And so it's like, I think if your heart, we know where our hearts are at. And so you know when you're doing something for the right reason or the wrong reason. And so I think when you know that though, you can live in freedom and go, I'm gonna watch a movie on the plane. And God's in it all. And I'm not like my heart is not in a wrong place sitting here. I'm living in freedom, I'm living in grace, I'm living in, and I'm not doing anything outside of God's will. God can meet me right here and as I'm watching this movie, show me something about his character in a way that, you know, your mom preaches on Lion King, you know, all these movies. I do the same thing. I see God in all of it. So when God's in all of it, you don't separate that. But when you are not right in in your heart, you know, and you're kind of, am I doing this because it looks this way or because of this? That's only something, again, that that's the dangerous thing. No one else can call that out in you because you're saying the right thing. That's something that you have to listen to the conviction in your own spirit and go, thank you, God, that you've convicted me in this, and it's something I need to respond to. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 14:28

It does. And I think to just go along with what you're saying, I do think that you have to interrogate, for lack of a better word, the feeling.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

To to reach down in it and see is the root of this guilt, fear, shame, stuff that don't sound like the voice of God.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

That's what separates legalism from conviction. It is that the impetus for what I'm feeling is, oh, I shouldn't have been doing that. Guilty. I'm uh uh I feel bad about me. The voice of conviction leads you to really see him more clearly. It leads you to feel directed to the rhythms of grace in your life, not out of fear or shame or guilt, but it's more like, oh, there's freedom here, there's fullness here, there's abundance here, there's opportunity here. So should you enjoy the movie? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

And if you feel bad about the movie, it's like Joyce Meyer um wrote a book called Eat the Cookie by the Shoes. That's the title of the book. Yeah. And I have not even read the book yet. I haven't even read it. It's a pretty old book, to be honest. I haven't read the book, but I know that the point of the book was be free.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Yeah, be free.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Like it, like literally just enjoy your life. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, and so I do feel like one of the main ways where we decipher between the two is when we have that sense of conviction, is to just think through it a little bit. Wait a minute, what's at the root of this? Am I feeling all the things that sound like the voice of condemnation and the enemy at the root of this? Or is it coming from what sounds like the character of God?

SPEAKER_01 15:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

And his grace is sufficient. Like that's that's one of the biggest revelations of my life, the older and older I get. That walking with God looks and feels like the cadence of grace. Yeah. Yeah. Which feels like freedom. It feels like eat the cookie by the shoes.

SPEAKER_02 16:05

That's so good. That is so good. I feel like I didn't understand grace until really becoming a mom, honestly. Like, I feel like God's taught me a lot about grace because I was similar in that. I felt like I had to like do do do to prove to God or for God to be pleased or got to be happy. Again, that athlete perspective of like the more I perform, the better He, the more He loves me. And then when I became a mom, like I was so humbled, you know, and I felt like, but I felt so loved by God. And I felt like I would go to God in prayer and I would immediately be like, I need to repent because I haven't done this, this, that, and the other. And every time I would go to God in prayer, I just cry. And I just feel like God doesn't need me to say anything. Like, yeah, because he's not mad at me. And like it just totally shifted my perspective. And um, yeah, that yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

And I do want to say that's harder for some personality types than others to get to that because if you're a type A or achievement-oriented, production-oriented person who's driven by that, then then that's something again, that's what the sanctification process is for. All of us are working from different extremes, and the Lord is molding all of us into the image of Christ from different directions. Yeah. So that's one of the things that it might be that He He's just like slowly molding you as you go through the different seasons and stages of your life.

SPEAKER_03 17:20

No, that's so good. Because that's what it was. It was it was this revival that was breaking out, and John Tyson was flying there to the revival. He's so excellent. He's incredible. And he was posting about showing up to this thing. And I in my mind, I was like, I wonder what he's doing on the plane going there.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Yeah. It seems like he'd be read the Bible, doesn't it? That was what it's.

SPEAKER_03 17:51

But I'm like, but what if I just want to watch the new movie that just came out? But it was like, but I'm going to do something spiritual. I feel like I need to be doing something spiritual leading up to that.

SPEAKER_02 17:59

Spiritual life is your personality. I know.

SPEAKER_03 18:01

I know that's some that's my type A.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

But that is his mind. It's like black and white and very, yeah, type A. And so I love that. But I love that you always call your pastor. Like you have such a and y'all represent that so well with your father and your uncle and the movie y'all made about um, you know, mentorship and discipleship for the fourth.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

Um, and so I think that's so important and that's such a piece of it. And I want to clarify too, I was not saying this is like Judas, I was saying the lifestyle of this.

SPEAKER_03 18:32

And I'm not saying I'm gonna go watch Wolf of Wall Street on the plane.

SPEAKER_02 18:34

I mean that to this.

SPEAKER_03 18:35

It could be Super Mario, you know, it's not Wolf of Wall Street.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Yeah, it's just watching a movie that would take you in a minute.

SPEAKER_03 18:42

And that's that's not the that's not what I was talking about.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

It was clear someone the old self, not this. Yeah, that's not like that. You have a question?

SPEAKER_05 18:50

You can go first. I'll remember mine.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

You sure? I'll remember. Because mine is gonna kind of go off to something else that I want to ask.

SPEAKER_05 18:55

Okay, well then let me ask. Okay. Um, what has it been like for you guys in this space of clearly like everybody's human? We all struggle, we're all working to be sanctified, and sanctification is hard, it's discouraging, all the things. What have you guys tried to do in your life to make sure you're living in integrity because you guys have so much influence over people? Yeah, like like millions and millions of people literally listen to you guys to figure out how to operate in their life, and they're they're like the the the the Israelites in the sense of like you're Moses sometimes to those people, like they're trusting that God speaks to them through you, and that's a big weight. Like, how do you guys try to intentionally live a life outside of the camera so that it reflects what you're telling those people?

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Yeah, oh, it's huge. Yeah, I mean, we have a plaque in our home that I made from our very first as a married couple, our very first dinner we had back at home, which was an omelet because that's all I could make. And a smoothie I've gotten better. I learned how to cook, but I didn't know how when we first got married. We were sitting there and we started talking about this idea of like our home. And I remember we said this house will set the tone for everything we do. Like we can't be anything out there that we're not in here. And we made like a little wooden thing that says like this house will set the tone. It's the first thing you see when you come in our house. And it's like, I mean, one of my like life verses is from the heart, so the mouth shall speak. I'm like, if I'm gonna have a microphone in a lot of places, then like my heart better be pure in spirit because like from my heart, so my mouth is gonna speak. And so I feel so convicted by that. And we're not perfect, and we do mess up, and we are human, and we've talked about that in the podcast we just did of you know, people idolizing people will, but it's like, no, I'm totally human, but I'm quick to repent, quick to confess. I don't always have to confess everything to everyone. That's not everybody's place to hear, but with my friends, with the Lord, with my husband, um, and just keeping a pure heart. But I think it ultimately comes down to like the fear of the Lord. Like, do you really fear the Lord? Do you really read those verses and feel the conviction by them and try to live them? Like the godly walk with integrity. Like, if I'm truly godly, if I truly fear the Lord, if I truly love the Lord, then like my life should be walked with integrity, and that's just like the fruit of it. That doesn't mean you're perfect, but there is like you actually are following the Lord. You actually are trying to follow this will it really is real. Yeah, it's I don't think I I'm grateful now for how long we've been in it because I do think that by now I'm I'm thankful that there's some longevity behind it where there's like, no, we really believe this, we really mean this. This is really how we live our life, you know. And I don't think you can have longevity if it's not real. I mean, I haven't seen it done great. If it's not real, it will be exposed.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

And so it's so tempting to, at least for me, it is, to be like Christian was, which is like assuming that I can still be the good church boy and the good Christian case. Character on the exterior for everybody to see, but then I can go live the way that I want to and have both so that I can get the new trendy Christian um like fame per se and still live the way that I want to.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

That's very dangerous.

SPEAKER_05 22:14

Yeah, it's it's it's yeah. And so it's it's just uh a very conscious thing that I've been trying to have, and it's encouraging to talk to you guys about this, my mom and everything, just because it's like there in order, like because you're positioning yourself, if you want to be in this light like you guys, there's a cost to that to do it correctly. And if you don't do it correctly, doesn't the Bible talk about some harsher judgment for those teachers? Just want to make sure I didn't make that up.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

No, that's that is like convicting. I feel like these days, and you touched on something that not a lot of people are talking about that it is popular to be a Christian influencer.

SPEAKER_03 22:49

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

It was not popular 12 years ago, at least for me, whenever I was. I wasn't looking around at influencers. I was watching your mom's videos and I was watching Christine's videos and Alex Seeley learning on YouTube because I wanted to live my life like that. Not even I wanted to be that necessary. I didn't even necessarily have a full category for that, other than I was learning from the women that they were. Um, but I wasn't seeing it on social media. And when I started posting about being a Christian on social media because I came from fame, not necessarily the church, I thought, oh, I'm gonna let lose all my followers, and that's okay because like I love Jesus. Okay, this is the way I'm gonna live my life. So I didn't think that was gonna make me more popular. I thought it was gonna make me less popular. And then the Lord used it in such a way that it did bring influence and it did, you know, there were sage operations, like it did this thing, but I really didn't think that was gonna happen. So I think nowadays there is this interesting thing where it's like you can create a platform around it, and that's why like you have to fear the Lord and you better be in the word because you need to understand this is not something to play with. Like it is the it is very serious what scripture says about leading people, um, leading the children, leading the people, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

And to be clear, it's okay to have a platform that is not built around ministry or your faith in that way. And and you have a platform and you're an entertainer, you're an artist, you're go enjoy that. You're we're talking specifically about when the hub of that platform is that you are leading people in the word of God in ministry, but really you just want the fame or whatever attached to that, that that can be a very dangerous thing.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

A very dangerous thing, yeah. And I think it's good to to bring that up and talk about that because that was something that wasn't a whole conversation.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, I'm gonna ask this and then we're gonna wrap this up soon because these people have things to do. We're yapping. Yeah, they have they have three girls. Y'all have like babies and stuff now. Three different. I know. All right, here's my question, Christian. Because I'm a mom of boys, so I have to ask certain questions, I just can't let you go without asking them. Number one, if you could speak to yourself at 21 years old, 23 years old, well, I guess wait, were you already married at 23? Yes. Okay, so 21, 2019, in there where your life's sort of changing. What do you think are the most important things that prepare you to be a husband? Maybe that you didn't do or and you would have done differently now that you're in the husband mode and you're like, uh, or things you did do that you're like, I am so glad. Okay, so that's part A. Part B is you have married a very strong, independent, successful woman. I think that can be hard sometimes for a man to come into a situation where he is married to a woman that's doing the thing, whatever that thing is. So if you know, if you're just talking to JC about part A, but also part B, if you marry a woman who's doing the thing, whatever her thing is, and she's doing well at it, she's independent, how do you come into that and feel a sense of security about what it is that God has given you to do and at the same time be supportive of what it is that God has entrusted her to do and not lose yourself in that? So it's kind of a part A, part B that has to do with relationships.

SPEAKER_03 26:08

That's great. Man, I love I I love this question. It's definitely loaded for sure. Yep. I feel like so. When we first started dating, um, we didn't post about it for the first six or eight months or something like that. And it was such an interesting time because I'm in college at school, so and she's in Nashville. So I'm driving up to Nashville every single weekend. So not that it was like living this double life, but it it was it was interesting. Of I'm in college, I'm in business Cal. No one knows who I am. I drove to Nashville on the weekends, and everywhere we go, people are taking pictures with Sadie. And it was like it was this molding of like when this becomes public, I have got to be secure in who I am. And that was from I mean, multiple Bibles Bible studies a week. I mean, I've met with I had a I at the time I had an elder that I was meeting with once a week. He was in his uh 70s. He's still alive, uh, but we even talked in a little bit. But I was meeting with him once a week, talking to my pastor all the time, to where it's if I'm gonna step into this, one, I have to be secure, two, I have to, yeah, I I just this the this feeling of of of security. And earlier I was thinking when we were talking about you know the verse in James where it says we're we're selfish, where selfishness and uh or uh where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there you will find every vile practice. And I can see that to where it's like if if you let jealousy and this this all constant feeling of selfishness creep in, you will do things that you'll you'll you'll compromise your integrity. And for us, I think those months of not posting was so helpful to where when this does become public, if we do step into you know engagement and marriage, I have to be secure in who I am. And I feel like that led to me later being a father of I knew who I am. Like, yes, there might be times of insecurity that creeps in if someone asks a question. Um but this is who I am. Like, first, I'm a husband, I'm a father. If if if my if uh if God bringing us together is because she's gonna preach to all these people, and her capacity of doing that revolves around my security, then I need to be as secure as I can be. Because if she's constantly worrying about, well, what's Christian gonna feel? Is Christian gonna be okay? Or is which which it's not necessarily always a bad thing, but I don't want to become a hindrance to what you're doing by my own feelings of inadequacy or or being insecure.

SPEAKER_02 28:42

Uh and I feel like I've um I I'm still learning, but I feel like I've I think what you're what you're saying though is you immediately got surrounded by so many godly counsel and just friendships who spoke into your life and reminded you of who you were, um, which was really important. Well, and I had to because I never had that. I never had something you hadn't done before. So what you started to do was you tried to have the right voices. Also, though, when we had just been dating for a couple months, I was actually going to break up with Christianity.

SPEAKER_03 29:11

I still don't believe it.

SPEAKER_02 29:14

You'll say this or you it's very true because I had dated a lot of people who were jealous of they didn't know what to do with what I was doing. And I would try to like dumb down who I was to like make sure that they don't get jealous because that would be like weird, and then I would not want to say yes to things because how would that make them feel? And like it was this whole thing. And I really at that point I was like, I thought to that's why I said I'm done dating. I was like, I have to do what the Lord's calling me to do. I cannot let this stop me anymore. And he was so encouraging and so great, but I was worried that would happen again. I was about to go on a tour, and so I go to break out with him. I'm saying, I'm so sorry, like I just I'm not gonna be in a good girlfriend to date because like I'm not even ever gonna get to like drive and like be at Auburn and like be a part of your life, and you would have to come to natural. And I'm like saying why we should break up and how hard it would be for him to date me because of I'm just it's just gonna be hard and I thought we were just talking about it. Literally tells me he said, he goes, stop talking, which I love because he was like so confident. He's like, okay, stop talking. And he was like, if he said, never apologize for what God is doing in your life, first off. That's what he said. And then he goes, second of all, if it is a win for you and if it's a win for the kingdom, then it's a win for me. And he's like, So I don't care that you're going on tour, do your tour. I like I'll drive to you, I'll encourage you. And his security in who he was made me realize, like, oh, not only can I date him, but like I want to marry someone like this. So like let's just see what this relationship is like. So I will say, even like you had done the work beforehand, by the time we started dating, you so knew who you were, and you were like, do not slow down for me, do not dumb it down for me. Like, if it's a win for you, it's a win for God, it's a win for me, and I'm actually gonna like help you do that.

SPEAKER_03 30:54

Well, I also think too, I had to have an I had to have like I had to have a healthy healthy feeling of how to be a man of integrity because of my past, because of things I'd gone through, and because of things you had gone through in relationships, I had to know I need like how can I fully gain your trust if I'm living here in a college surrounded by people all the time. So it was it was this like constant communication of hey, I'm going here. I'm not gonna ghost you and and I'm I'm saying I'm going to study, but really I'm going to hang out with with these with these specific people. So for me, in our long distance, I had to truly be a man of integrity quick to where it's like, this is who I used to be. There might be feelings that creep in of you having these intrusive thoughts of of is he gonna resort back to things he used to do, uh, which you did have, and you know, I we had to work through that. But for me, it was quickly, how can I be this man who I'm saying I'm gonna be? Because you're not with me all the time. You were out on these crazy tours, and I'm just at the library studying. And if I'm saying I'm gonna do that, then I have to truly I have to truly be who I'm saying I'm gonna be. And for me, I had to find that with my community, with with with my guy friends, and and and in God, um, to be if you're gonna step into into this this calling, um you've gotta figure it out quick uh and and develop this sense of security.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

And um yes, so I think I think to you and to any man, it's like whether you marry someone who is a woman who's going for it or not, is like that just makes you a good husband and a father, and it's just a good person to live with integrity. And like what a breath of fresh air to just be an authentic person and say, This is me and really mean it, you know? And um, I think that that was such a gift that Christian gave me as I always knew where he was, who he was, where he was at, and not just because of him, but because of who he was surrounded with. Like he was constantly talking about the advice Parker gave him and Bradley gave him and Dr. A gave him, and I love that because like, oh, this like you're surrounded by people who are keeping you in check.

SPEAKER_03 33:05

And those were some of the things I saw that I was like, he's someone that I and there had to be an authenticity too, of like we had to have this relationship of like I'm not this way when I come to Nashville, and then when I come back to Auburn, I'm living this different way. It was this authenticity of, and that's why I like being super transparent and vulnerable to where like, yeah, I still struggle with this cynicism and people pleasing and you know, this this this legalism side, because if I if I ever stop doing that, then I just that to me that's not healthy. So it's like I'm always I'll tell you with with discernment and wisdom of sharing what's too much, what's not too much, but I'm we're just very authentic, genuine towards like, hey, this is what I got going on. Um and for me, I found that in having a a group of guys in community that I could that I could just talk things out with. Yeah, you hear that C's?

SPEAKER_00 33:55

Yeah, community. Your friends matter. I'm I got good friends. Yeah, good friends, good people around me. Thank y'all. We appreciate y'all for sharing all these layers of your life. Yeah, that was fun with us.

SPEAKER_05 34:08

Yeah, I guess I feel like free, like this is like free mentorship every time I go on a podcast with people like this. I'm like, oh my gosh, they're giving me free game. This is great.

SPEAKER_00 34:18

See? I know. Thank you guys so much. We are so grateful. Thank you for your impact. Thank you.